Another Period (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Sex Nickelodeon - full transcript

Previously on "Another Period"...

You ordered a white heiress, right?

Hello, little girl.

Your sister's in quite a bit of trouble.

That's right, show daddy
how pretty your dress is.

[Eerie Music]

[Knocking]

[Door Squeaks Open]

[Jarring Musical Sting]

[Axe Thwacking]

♪



I can't believe they
hacked Edison's server.

What? Talbert, the butler?

Yeah, hacked him to pieces with an axe.

Step right up!

A private film stolen

from Edison Studios
is now available for viewing!

I can't wait to see it!

I can't wait to ejaculate
next to you in public.

♪ Uh, but I can't see the runway ♪

[Indistinct Conversation]

[Squeals] You've come for me!

[Giggling] I knew sending
daily press releases

to every newspaper in town
would eventually pay off.

REPORTERS: Beatrice!



Beatrice, you're a slut. Smile.

- What?
- Beatrice, now,

are you a regular slut or a nasty slut?

Excuse me, my name's Lillian.

Yes, Beatrice, following up,
I have a question:

you're a whore.

I'll rephrase it as a question:
You're a whore?

- I'm not a whore!
- Beatrice,

then why did you record the eroti-scope?

What?

[Dramatic Fanfare]

I feel scared and confused,
so I'm gonna yell!

- No, Beatrice! Beatrice!
- Beatrice!

My sister can't comment right now,

but feel free to ask me anything.

Uh...

- pack it up.
- Nothing to see.

Hello?

I'm a whore too!

♪ I want the money ♪

♪ I want the fame ♪

♪ I want the whole world
to know my name ♪

♪ This is mine ♪

♪ I gotta get it ♪

♪ I got to get it ♪

♪ Got-got to get it ♪

♪ Another period ♪

[Blowing Nose Noisily]

Beatrice, look on the bright side.

This could be great for me.

How is this great for anybody?

Because, people are finally
interested in the Bellacourts,

so they'll be writing
about the one with star quality.

[Giggles] That's moi.

Sisters. The gossip rags have arrived.

Ooh! [Giggles]

[Squeals] I made the cover!

"Golden-haired Beatrice Bellacourt

with... passerby."

Passerby?

Oh, no.

They're not writing about me at all.

[Dramatic String Music]

Oh, this is so stupid!

Why does everyone care about dumb,
boring Beatrice having sex?

People care about Beatrice

because she made a statement.

But... she was also humiliated
and a victim.

She did it on purpose,
but she was also tricked.

[Sobbing] This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.

No, this is the worst thing

that's ever happened to me!

Stop trying to make this all about you!

But I'm the one in the film!

- Don't rub it in!
- [Both Weeping]

[Sobbing Pointedly]

[Sobbing Louder]

[Wailing]

[Both Crying Dramatically]

[Both Screaming, Sobbing]

[Sobbing Maniacally]

[Both Screaming, Sobbing]

[Hip-Hop Music]

♪

[Sneaky Music]

What are you looking at?

Are those damn newspapermen
still out there?

No, we have new neighbors.

Oh, God in heaven, they're Italian!

Don't tell me those little
Caesars are moving in next door.

We're gonna have to move to France.

Those olive gardeners are gonna
drive down the value of this house.

The sunlight is coming down

on their black hair. It's blinding me!

- [Groaning]
- Oh, God.

Gentlemen.

A gift from your new neighbors.

Olive oil? They might as well

have sent us rat feces.

They put it on their hair
to make it shimmer.

It's how they hypnotize you at the fair.

Peepers, pour that down
the toilet at once,

and then set fire to the toilet.

And then dump the ashes
on their yard to send a message.

And then take a poop
on that pile of ashes.

Close the door, please.

Don't... not with your hands.

You've touched the olive oil.
With your feet.

♪

[Somber Piano Melody]

♪

Beatrice, what are you
doing on the floor?

That's what the servants eat off of.

Mother, everyone's saying I'm a whore.

That is because you are a whore, dear.

It was not my fault.

I was kidnapped and forced
to have sex on camera.

Nobody told you to get kidnapped!

The only thing you can do now

is make a public apology
for your filthy behavior.

No, please.
Mother, that's so embarrassing.

[Whispering Fiercely]
What's embarrassing is you,

and your golden mane of temptation.

Now, you go to your room

and stop looking at me like that.

Like what?

Like you're just begging
to be kidnapped again.

[Gasps, Inhales Sharply]

- Oh, work that head knot.
- Oh, that's it.

- Ooh!
- Oh, my God.

Ooh, top of the morning to ya,

men and massage mavens.
Just so you know,

we're looking into the hack
at Edison Studios.

Right! Now, we think this is part

of a much larger crime wave
here in Newport.

What... [Stammers] Stop that, right now.

- A crime wave in Newport?
- Aye.

Not sure if you're aware of it,
but you got some new neighbors.

Not sure what
they want to call themselves,

but we've been calling 'em
"dark-eyed sardine slingers."

- [Groans]
- I thought a good one

was "Arabian whites."

Cannoli fingerers!

Catholics!

- Hey, hey!
- Whoa, hey!

You'll have to go
to confession for that!

Sorry.

Nothing wrong with foldin'
in the Mother Mary!

Oh, Lord in heaven...

now, how can we protect ourselves?

Well, the police
are hiring people every day

to deal with the crisis, so let me know

if you know anyone interested.

[Dramatic Music]

I have always dreamed
of putting on a uniform

- and then dominating strangers.
- Plus, I am so bored.

I haven't left the house in six years.

- We'd like to join up.
- Yes.

Oh. You look good enough.

- I dub thee police!
- Oh!

Wait, that's it? There's
no training or anything?

Well, department had some cutbacks, so
training was the first thing to go.

[Laughs] And training to be a cop's

a bit like training for brain surgery:

you don't need much of it.

Just get in there
and start crackin' open skulls.

[All Laughing Heartily]

And hey!

Don't forget to have fun out there.

Oh, let's get started, shall we?

[Grunts Dramatically]

- [Laughing] Oh, no!
- How about you?

I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding!

[All Shouting Comically]

[Sweet Instrumental Music]

♪

This is all. Your. Fault!

First, you got us caught
in that riverboat propeller,

and now this.

Everyone says
you're so blonde and beautiful,

but I know the truth.

You're evil.

And without you, it's gonna be so
much easier to hold up my head!

♪

[Breathing Harshly]

[Dramatic Tones]

I don't care what the papers are saying.

I'm supposed to be the famous one!

I am not going to take this lying down.

Oh. Or maybe I will.

Deadline, deadline, deadline.

- Deadline, deadline, deadline!
- Look at this.

These serial numbers do not match.

- Excuse me!
- Check your files, twice.

[In A Southern Accent]
I read your article

about Beatrice Bellacourt.
And I'll have you know,

you're barking up the wrong tree.

It's her sister you
wanna be writing about.

- Thank you for your help.
- Hortense Bellacourt?

We write about her often.

No, no, her other sister.
Her name's Lillian Bellacourt.

- Who?
- Lillian Bellacourt.

Okay.

She's the type of person
the public would love to hate,

- and then just love.
- [Chuckles]

I've never heard of her. Now, is
she a whore, like her sister?

That's what people wanna read about.

Oh, yes, definitely.

She's a huge whore. Big, big whore.

Much bigger whore
than Beatrice Bellacourt.

In fact, I have on good word

that Lillian Bellacourt
was recently put in the hospital

because... her stomach
was so full of... you-know-what.

[Reporters Laughing]

- They had to pump it.
- Yes, I know, I'm sure.

We've heard this before, madam.
It was Susan B. Anthony,

wasn't it? And who before?

I believe it was Sojourner Truth?

- Sojourner Truth!
- [Laughing] And then,

before that, Martha Washington.

- [Laughing] Martha Washington.
- Please,

you have to listen to me.

Ma'am, we are the media.
We deliver facts.

Please be gone.
Your rumors are not needed here.

Well, this time it's true!

Unless you can do a surgery in public

- that proves this is true...
- Oh!

- We're not interested.
- There is!

[Stammers] There's a public surgery.

Live surgery!

She's going to get her stomach pumped.

- A live surgery?
- Yes, a live surgery.

Bellacourt Manor, live surgery,
stomach-pumping male ejaculate.

We're gonna measure those pints.

Thank you so much. If there is a
live surgery, we will be there.

All right, well, tata.

Thank you for the tip, Lillian.

- Thank you so much.
- Oh, I'm not Lillian.

I'm just a concerned citizen.

- Right, okay.
- Oh, yes, of course.

- Concerned...
- I'm from Alabama.

Concerned Southern citizen... whore.

[Hip-Hop Music]

♪ Make it drop down, Mary ♪

Mother? I did what you asked.

Now nobody will kidnap me. Oh, sit down!

What have you done?

You can't go to your
interview looking like that!

Her hair won't lay properly, madam.

Maybe a kicky hat.

Oh, don't be grotesque, Peepers.

Women aren't wearing hats this year.

I hesitate to even suggest it, madam.

But... maybe we should try
the "Eye-talian" way.

Forcing ourselves on our spouses?

- No!
- [Cork Pops]

Olive oil.

[Traditional Italian Music]

Oh...

♪

[Percussive Remix]

[Grunts]

[Shouts Dramatically]

[Panting]

How do I look?

[Electronic Dance Music]

♪

Whoa there, tot.

Why aren't you in school?

I'm headed to work at the night factory.

All right. Have a good day.

Carry on.

Excuse me, sir.
Are you sleeping on the street?

No, I just took some heroin
and I'm nodding off.

- It's not a crime.
- Well, that's true.

[Both Struggling]

Oh, oh! Say, excuse me, sir!

Sir! Is this woman bothering you?

[Sighs] It's okay, she's my wife.

She smiled at a dog, and there's just

something about that I don't like.

Well, just don't kill her.

[Men Laughing]

[Grunting] Come on, you!

I'm so frustrated.

All we've seen is a truant orphan,

and a junkie, and a man
disciplining his wife.

- I mean, where are the crimes?
- You know why

we haven't seen any actual crimes.

Why, because everything's
basically legal?

No, we need to go to the source.

We need to investigate the people
who actually committed the hack.

Well, but we don't know
for sure it was the Italians.

Albert, police work is not
about evidence.

It's about instincts.

And my instincts tell me
that we need to go

to Greece Town
and get us some "Eye-talians."

♪

So, you want me to perform a surgery?

Yes, doctor, I need your help.

The newspapers are going to be there.

Everyone will be watching.

The problem is, I'm...

I'm not the kind of
doctor you think I am.

Oh, no, it's okay.
I know you're a bad doctor.

No, I'm not...

[Stirring Melody]

[Quietly] I'm not a medical doctor.

My masters is in medicine,
but my doctorate...

is in the theater arts!

- [Sighs]
- The long and short of it is,

I'm not qualified to conduct surgeries.

Well, I don't really have
two pints of ejaculatory fluid

in my stomach, so...

all we have to do is stage the surgery!

[Uplifting Melody]

Did you say "stage"?

♪

Phillip, extra phosphorous.

We're competing with
that orphanage fire story.

Beatrice, thank you so much
for granting me this interview.

Now, how does it feel to be the star

of the... the highest-grossing
film of all time?

There are reports
that "The Wizard of Ahhs"

has grossed up to 1.2 hundred dollars.

[Stammers] People are making
money off of this?

Beatrice, what do you have to say?

Just that...

I made a mistake.

And sadly, that mistake was
something the whole world saw.

But, I'm hoping that people
can find it in their hearts to...

see me for who I am,

and not the biggest mistake I ever made.

[Exhales Emotionally]

I wanna commend you on your honesty,

and your brave new hairstyle.

Now, is that a statement
on the duality of women

in a patriarchal society?

No.

Well, get a tintype, boys,
'cause I predict, by the spring,

every woman's gonna
have their hair styled

in "the Beatrice"!

[Glamorous Music]

Hold it for three more minutes.

180 Mississippi.

179 Mississippi.

178 Mississippi.

♪ Gettin' money ♪ - ♪ Gettin' money ♪

Behold, the whore of Newport.

The daughter of Babylon,
the harlot of the harbor,

the Jezebel of the ball.

The patient...

shows all of the signs of the whore.

Syphilis, genital slack, sarcasm,

the anchovy odor
of a woman of the night.

Today, I shall perform
a dangerous proto-zectomy,

removing from the patient's gullet

nearly a gallon of semenical fluid.

Many of you have heard the urban legend

of the woman in such a predicament.

Ow.

Behold.

The whore is real.

[Giggles]

♪ And a two, and a three ♪

Wait, is that real ether?

- It has to be...
- Look over there.

What? [Screams]

And in these moments
between life and death,

fellows... let us begin.

We're gonna get
the Pulitzer for this one.

I'm salivating just thinking about it.

And all the woods of Russia,

are trembling under
the blows of the axe.

[Somber Music]

[Applause]

Thank you.

That was Doctor Astrov's monologue

from Anton Chekhov's "Uncle Vanya."

And now for a soliloquy from one of

Shakespeare's least beloved plays,

- "Coriolanus."
- [Struggling]

- No...
- What's happening?

- Wait just a moment, just...
- [Yelps]

My name is Caius Martius, who hath...

- What's going on?
- It looks like someone needs

a bit more ether alcohol
before we continue.

No! Not ether.

- Just wait a moment...
- [Shouting]

- [Grunts]
- [Shouting]

[Valve Pops, Lillian Screams]

[Men Shouting]

[Dramatic Music]

♪

Stop it! Stop it!

[Coughing]

Oh, bah!

[Splutters] What's happening?

This is not ejaculate! It's milk!

Lillian Bellacourt is a liar,

- not a whore.
- And that monologue

was absolutely incredible!
I did love that monologue.

- Yes. [Laughs]
- He's talented.

He's good.

[Laughing]

[Hip-Hop Music]

♪

First, they besmirch
the Bellacourt name,

now they have the nerve
to profit off of it?

Well, it doesn't seem
like that much money.

You spent $100,000 on your own cloud

and we couldn't even find it.

It was $300,000,
but that's not the point.

You are the one who was kidnapped.

You're the one who fornicated.

I'm the one who should
be making money off of it.

What if I had sex
with someone else on camera,

and that someone else was Frederick?

I'm not asking for your opinion.

You've no talent, no discernible skills.

It's a miracle you're
even able to breathe!

No, I can do it!

[Inhales And Exhales Deeply]

[Somber Melody]

[Quietly] Two blocks away
from the abortionist

when I went into labor.

Hey!

What if we sold a product
with my face on it?

Products don't have celebrities on them.

That's what caricatures
of black people are for.

Well, it seems like we have two ideas:

sell a product, or for me to
have sex with Frederick on film.

Okay, I'll do it.

You know something, Beatrice?

Your hair...

really does look magnificent.

♪

[Indistinct Conversation]

Can we just barge in there?

We haven't seen anything illegal yet.

We can tell them
to turn their music down.

Ah, yes! If you can even call it music.

Opera's supposed to be German.

Can't argue with that. Let's go!

[Shouts]

- Hello!
- Police!

Hello, we're in your home!

Not again-a.

How can we help you, officers?

All right, sir, I'm gonna
ask you to lower your voice.

- Please.
- What is this, what is this?

What's in here? What is in here?

- Wine.
- Wine.

- Vino.
- Oh, yeah, right.

[Sniffs] I'm not sure about that.

- What's this?
- A plate, a simple plate.

- Yeah? What's going on?
- A napkin.

- What do you got here?
- Salad.

What's this... what about all of this?

- It's a couch!
- It's an English thing.

Hey, hey, she's got something
under her dress, there.

Hold on, hold on, Albert.

I think she's just a big fat woman.

No, I'm not fat! I'm pregnant.

It's a baby in here.

Oh, great, the Italians are multiplying.

They could take our jobs.

It's a bambino!

- Oh, she's got a bomb!
- She's got a bomb.

- She's got a bomb!
- No, a child!

A child!

Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am! Calm down!

Everyone, calm down!
Everyone, calm down!

All right, hands up! That's it!

Excuse me, sir, what
is that in your hand?

- It's a spoon, I...
- That's what I thought.

- All right.
- Not again.

I'm gonna have to pat you down!

No, no, please! No.

Giuseppe, completely submit to him.

He's got a condition.

Oh, he's so ticklish.

Please-a, he can't be tickled.

- [Laughing Uncontrollably]
- Look at him!

He's laughing and laughing and laughing.

Albert!

- I got something here.
- What's up?

Let me see about that.

[Dramatic Music]

♪

This is delicious!

[All Talking At Once]

All things considered,
good food, good food.

- [All Talking At Once]
- Yeah, sit, sit.

All right, well, cheers, everyone.

It's really nice to meet you.

- To America!
- To America!

[All Toasting]

- [All Laughing]
- You silly-billy.

This is my first opportunity

to make money on my own:

profiting off of the sexual
exploitation of my daughter.

I thought you could only use sex

to get attention from men.
I never realized

you could use sex
to get rich and famous!

All this time, I was worried about

not being interesting
or talented or smart,

but it turns out, I had
everything I needed

all along... this!

[Stately Music Playing]

Hello, everyone. Welcome to the launch

of the Beatrice Bellacourt
Feminine Hair Lubricant.

[Polite Laughter And Applause]

Look how ugly this servant was
before she used my product.

And look how pretty she is now.

[Crowd Murmurs Approvingly]

Those are two different people.

Exactly.

Thank you.

Since being a whore

didn't get me any press coverage,

the only way to get their attention

will be to do something... illegal.

Soon, everyone will be talking
about Lillian Bellacourt.

[Electronic Dance Music]

[In Slow Motion] Oh, my God.

♪

Is that... is... is that...

Oh, my God.

I cannot bring myself to say what I see.

It's... it's...

It's a woman...

[Screeching] Wearing pants!

♪ Gimme that money,
gimme that mon-mon-money ♪

[Gasps In Horror]

Mm, what a scandal, right?

- What a perversion.
- Lillian!

So, what are you gonna
write about me in the press?

We have journalistic standards.

We are not writing about this!

We have to draw the line somewhere.

What, so you'll... so you'll write about

a woman having sex on film
or a woman having ejaculate

pumped from her stomach,

and this is where you draw the line?

Yes, this is absolutely disgusting!

- [Spits]
- [Yelps]

What is wrong with me?
Why won't anyone write about me?

Beatrice is a vacant, useless whore,

and that's all she'll ever be!

Actually, you're wrong, Lillian.

Whores are over.
I'm a businesswoman now.

A businesswoman?!

Oh, that's worse than being a whore!

You're just jealous because I'm a star

and you're not.

[Huffs, Shouts]

[Giggles]

[Huffs Loudly]

As I was saying, if you want your wife

to look like me, there's
only one way to do it.

It's with the hair lubricant.

♪

[Sobbing] Beatrice!
How could you do this to me?

I'm the one who's supposed
to have a product!

I'm the one who's supposed
to have a lifestyle brand!

[Sobbing]

[Albert And Victor Laughing]

When they brought out the cannoli?

- Oh, that was so good!
- Oh, my God.

- It tasted...
- And the tomato sauce...

- Shh.
- What?

- It's Lillian.
- What... she's wearing pants!

[Gasps] We get to make an arrest.

[Belches]

[Laughs Gleefully]

- Let's do it!
- [Shouts]

- This is so rewarding!
- I feel so alive.

[Both Crying]

- [Coughing]
- [Cries Louder]

[Both Heaving, Crying]

[Whimpering]