Another Period (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Roosevelt - full transcript

Ow! Oh!
Stupid me.

I sullied these potatoes
with my stupid blood.

Garfield, this is not
your fault.

You are completely
sleep-deprived.

Thank you,
talking radish.

You know what?

This is madness.

We are making
all these sacrifices,

putting ourselves in--
in physical danger,

holding onto our bowel movements
for days.

I haven't been holding
anything in.



If you open up a closet door,
expect a surprise.

Closet crapping.
And for what?

We are going to stop serving
the Bellacourts,

and start serving ourselves.

We are going to strike.

But we haven't been ordered
to strike.

Well, what is this?

Have I stumbled upon
a garden party?

Should I have brought
my limbo stick?

Oh, look at this.

Susan brought my limbo stick.

Thank you very much,
Susan.

The President of America
is coming to dinner,

but we're having
a limbo party.



Come on, everybody.
How low can you go?

How low can you go?

Mr. Peepers,

we don't want to limbo.

We want to strike.

Strike?

How dare you utter
the S word in this kitchen,

you ungrateful piece of shit.

Come on, everyone.
Let's go.

Wha?

Et tu, Garfield?

I'm sorry, Mr. Peepers.

I don't want to.

My body may be striking,

but my heart will be working.

It turns out you can go
very low, Garfield.

Very low, indeed.

♪ I want the money,
I want the fame ♪

♪ I want the whole world
to know my name ♪

♪ This is mine,
I got to get it ♪

♪ I got to get it,
got, got to get it ♪

♪ Another Period ♪

Nom, nom, nom.

Would you two pigs stop
chewing each other's face off?

- We're eating.
- Don't talk

to new mom that way.

Look at her situation.

Look at how much
she's been through.

Yes, look at how much
I've been through.

I have to share a home
with you two.

Speaking of our home,
I'm so excited

to welcome the President.

Is he bringing that strapping
young buck, Franklin?

Don't get too excited.

He's engaged to his cousin,
Eleanor,

whom I just can't wait
to meet.

Finally another woman
brave enough to let her words

- be her makeup.
- Stuff it like a cookie.

Teddy has a vacant
vice presidency

and I want Frederick
to fill it.

Hooray!

I don't see how this idiot
gets the job.

Everyone knows Taft is
Roosevelt's top choice for VP.

Nothing's been finalized,
Hore.

Celery will be so excited
to hear

she's going to be Mrs. Vice P.

Do not speak about your wife
at the manor table!

Can I have some more
champagne, please?

All right, everyone,
gather.

Hello?

Anybody home?

The President is here.

Where are the servants?

Uncle Teddy,
are these people poors?

How embarrassing.

Wh-- where's the staff?

Garfield!

Ha, I have no problem
introducing myself.

I'm a man of the people.

Come upstairs, Teddy.
Join me for a drink.

I want you to meet my boy.

Uh, what about me?

Don't pretend you don't notice
me, Bellacourt.

Of course, Taft.

Not one to pass up
a free drink, huh?

I'm not an alcoholic.

Okay.
Ladies, entertain our guests.

May I take you
to the Milk and Honey room

so that we can get down
to business?

We have so much to discuss.

Yes, go off with this donkey

and talk about
your women's crap.

I love it when a man
calls my sister a donkey.

I'm Lillian.

I'd love to give you a tour
of our property.

Make you familiar with all
of our secret entrances.

And exits.

This dump?

Okay.

♪ Solid gold, solid gold ♪

♪ Mofo at the top, baby ♪

So what are you wearing
to the suffragists rally?

Brown or off-brown?

Eleanor?

Hey, girl.

Are you all right?

You wouldn't understand.

Oh, I wouldn't?

Come here,
let me look at you.

Oh.

There, there.

Let me guess.
When you see him or hear him,

it tingles right here.

Right in the back of your skull
and then all the way down,

down your spine
right to that space

between your coccyx
and your anus.

Right there.

How do you know this?

It's because
I understand you.

It's the most amazing feeling
in the world, right?

And then he hurts you
and you feel it right here,

in your stomach.

And here,
in your heart.

You're like a man
with less hair on your knuckles.

Oh, that's because I shave.

Glasses?

The servants haven't arrived yet
with our tea.

Can you fetch us some?

Tea, Glasses.

And give us an hour or so.

This here
is the jasmine garden.

Daddy had it planted
the day I was born.

It's been blooming ever since.

You must be Franklin.

Holy shit.

It's a crip-pile.

Crip-pile is actually
an offensive term.

It's 1903.

We prefer to be called
"body retards."

Stop being rude to our guest

and admit you're a crip-pile
legless freak!

Oh, thank God
I'll never be like that.

Good luck getting up
those stairs, crip-pile.

Jinx!
You owe me cocaine.

Not only is he part
of an American dynasty,

but he's also an asshole!

What's the catch?

♪ Rich, rich, rich
I could kill you... ♪

So you're a model
for cough drop boxes?

- No, son.
- No.

I'm the President.

Of the Melon Association?

Of the United States
of America.

Brilliant, Frederick!

I do enjoy a good boner.

Well, you know what's not
a good boner?

This brandy glass has been empty
for 35 seconds.

Empty brandy here!

Ah.

I'll do it.

Whoa!

Well there.

Excuse me.

Peepers?

What the hell
is going on here?

Where's the rest
of the staff?

Sir, I did not want
to tell you this

until the President
had departed,

but the downstairs
has striketh.

They say their conditions
are unlivable.

What? Well, of course
they're unlivable.

They're servants.
Peepers...

it's up to you
to hold it all together.

Can you handle it?

Sir, with every ounce of
energy in my mere mortal body,

I shall strive
to hold this secret

as if it were my own child.

As if my limbs were the limbs
of the house that leans upon--

We want sleep!
We have to pee!

We are tired
or brewing your tea.

Would anyone like
their waistcoats steamed?

Or maybe a cup of tea?

Come here.

Garfield, put the tray down.

This isn't about serving.
This is about equal wages.

It's about being free.

I'm not free.
I'm Garfield.

Freedom isn't a name.
It's...

It's a feeling.

Espresso.

You remind me of...

a nice espresso.

- Ooh.
- Lillian, I want to thank you

for giving me a back rub
so quickly after meeting me.

I really respect that.

Oh, my.
You're an illustrated man.

Oh, my tattoo.

That's a rifle
wrapped around my bicep.

A bifle.
Bang! Bang!

Your humor is so progressive.

You know something?

I'm having a great time
with you.

- You're fun.
- Did you say wife material?

Could be.
Who knows?

Not like my stupid fiancée.

She's a real wet
smallpox blanket.

It's just a whole... deal.

Well,

maybe it's time
for a new deal.

Oh, I like the sound of that.

I'm hungry.
Can I get some dickfast?

Sure.
Dickfast?

Yes, it's between dinner
and breakfast.

I'm really hoping
it takes off.

I'd like that to be the thing
everyone remembers me for.

Oh, well,
let's get you some dickfast.

Ahem.

Oh, where are
the GD servants?

You know what, I'm just gonna
make a few myself.

I am wife material
after all.

How do you feel
about jelly butter and peanut?

Never heard of it,
but it sounds good.

All right.
Well, I'll be right back

with a JB and P.

Tarnished!

The chanterelles!

The game hen!
Ah! Ah! Ah!

The President.

Damn you, strike.

Here, take this.

It'll make you look older
and sophisticated

like a train conductor.

That's right.

That's better.

- It's good.
- Here, wash it down with this.

It's whiskey,
or as my pappy used to call it,

liquid corn.

No spitting it out,
you have to swallow it.

Ooh!
It stings my little tongue.

Let me tell you something,
okay?

You like her, right?

Well, if you do, you'll have to
drop the little boy act, okay?

- It doesn't work.
- What little boy act?

Ugh.
Come on.

You still got
that high-pitch voice

makes me want to
rip your duckbill

right off the top
of your head.

Talk like a man.

- Good morning.
- Come on, deeper voice.

It's 'cause I'm cold.

Deeper.
From the chest.

We-- we'd all work
at a coal mine.

- I want you to feel the balls.
- Ahh!

- Right there, right there.
- Ah!

- Do you hear me?
- I got it, man.

No, fuck.

So tell me, Frederick,
what are your thoughts

on the booming
railroad industry?

I-I like choo-choos--

trains--
choo-choos.

Commodore, what is that sound
I keep hearing?

I'm sorry, Mr. President,
the staff--

they've gone on strike.

Well, that would be why
there is no alcohol. Hmm.

I am gonna go look
for some myself.

Oh.

Listen, I know how difficult
relationships can be.

I'm engaged to my cousin,

and FDR can be pretty tough
to be around, let me tell you.

He thinks it's funny
to call me "Elea-snore"

and "Elea-bore."

Even "Elea-whore."

But those are all still better
than "Eleanor" though, right?

Fair point.
It's a bad name.

Yeah.

You're so lucky though.

You get to marry a relative.
That's every girl's dream.

You know, it's not all
it's cracked up to be.

Sometimes...

sometimes you want to look
outside your family for sex.

But that's crazy.

You have no idea
how crazy it can be.

Some of the most...

beautiful facial lips
I've ever seen.

You have...

lips too.

I'm doing it!
I'm doing it!

Cooking is easy.

Oh.
A servant bottom.

Ha-ha!
Yah!

Ah!

Hey!
Outta my way, tubby!

I got a 19-year-old hardbody
waiting for some dickfast.

- Feisty for a servant!
- I'm not a servant!

I'm a future Roosevelt.

Get out of my face. No!

I feel a wooziness
coming strong.

Whoa!

♪ I'm a money fiend
Yes, I'm a money fiend ♪

- The first time I met you...
- Yes?

I knew there was something
quite, quite silly about you.

But you're fun.

My legs are-- are spread,

and-- and my hair is wild!

Well, the true measure
of a man

is if he can handle...

his gasoline,
ah.

- What?
- Take it. There.

Take that now.
Here you go.

First thing,
you take a mouthful of taffy.

Mm-hmm.

Then you take a swig
of the good stuff,

and you'll run
as fast as you can,

so as your heart
doesn't stop beating, eh.

Okay.

Go to it.

- Ahh!
- Go deep, Garfield.

That's right.
Go deep.

- Ahh!
- Go deep, Garfield.

Miner. Go deep.

Go man deep, Garfield.

With all due respect,
Commodore,

I have seen Cubans
with a better work ethic

than your servants.

Gasoline!

I am the god of fire.

I shall deal with it.

If you don't mind,
Commodore,

I would like Frederick here

to take a crack
at this problem.

Frederick?

Brilliant.

Use this.

Show them how a Bellacourt
negotiates.

Right away.

Lillian, where is my dickfast?

Lillian?

Elea-bore?

Now that's how you make
a sandwich.

Help!
My arm!

Somebody help me!

Ah!
Oh!

Ah!

No, no.

Ah!

Oh, my sleeve.

My favorite dress.

I'm here to negotiate.

So are we good?

No, not at all.
A rifle?

You just handed me a rifle.

Daddy,
your way isn't working.

You were supposed
to use the gun.

I did.

We want proper
cleaning utensils,

one hour of recreation time
per month,

daily outhouse privileges,

and three hours of sleep
per night...

minimum.

Sure.

Sure?
Like yes?

Oh, great.
Yes, yes.

Yes, yes.

I have more.
I have more to give.

I can also give you money.

Thanks.

And we will give you
a dessert ball.

Okay.
What is that?

A dessert ball.
Whenever we are done

with dessert,
you can gather up all the scraps

and ball them up,
and at the end of every month,

you will receive
the dessert ball.

It's something that I've been
thinking about

- for quite a while.
- We'll take it.

Whoo!

Who are these people?

Frederick, I am so impressed
with the sympathy

you showed towards
the common man.

Plus, you solved a problem
I did not care about

without my involvement.

That is the very definition
of a VP.

So how does it sound?

Vice President
Frederick Bellacourt.

It sounds a little confusing

because my name
is also Frederick Bellacourt.

But if that guy's
vice president,

then I can just change mine.
I'm Bert.

I'm Bert Bellacourt,
everybody.

Bert is here!

So you like my boy,
eh?

I haven't met a stupider
human being

that didn't have some sort
of brain disorder.

But with him next in line
for the presidency,

there's no way
I'll get assassinated.

- There you are, Bea.
- Oh!

Franklin,
it's good to see you.

- I have news.
- Hi, Frederick.

I'm going to be VP.

That stands for vice P.

I also have news.

I started seeing someone
outside the family.

- Who?
- No one you know.

Hello, miss.

Hey, Eleanor.

Let's get out of here.

What did you just call me?

Eleanor.

You've never used
my real name before.

You've never caused me
arousal before.

Wait,
where are you going?

We're headed off
to Springwood.

But hey,

that was fun.

You were fun.

Franklin?

I made you a sandwich.

Franklin?

Wife material.