Another Period (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Annulment - full transcript

All right, how about this?
You take the blue one...

No, no.
I don't want that one.

It seems unfinished somehow.

And I'll take the one
with the dagger teeth.

Oh, do the children
not have names?

Oh, I don't think of them
in terms of names.

I think of them in terms
of love.

These are the ones
that I love.

Today's the best day
of our lives.

Our marriages
are being annulled.

And now
we're living the dream--



we're two single women
in 1903

with 16 children
between us.

No, we're living the dream.

We're two, uh,

vivacious bachelor friends.

Living in our ex-wives'
father's house.

Is it my fault?

Oh, sweetheart.
Yes, of course it is.

- All of it.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, darling,
we had a good run.

Yes. 20 years goes by so fast
when you barely see each other.

I'll miss you.

Although I'll probably see you
at dinner.

I'll miss you t--



[gasps]

♪ I want the money,
I want the fame ♪

♪ I want the whole world
to know my name ♪

♪ This is mine,
I got to get it ♪

♪ I got to get it,
got, got to get it ♪

♪ "Another Period" ♪

After my unfortunate
hatchet incident

and subsequent coma stay,

it seems I've developed a bit
of a nervous condition that,

in times of stress,
causes this hand to misbehave.

I'm sorry,
my sweet, simple tartlet.

It wasn't your fault.

Father says that whenever
a man hits me,

I must have done something
to provoke it.

But this time
you didn't provoke it.

It's just I don't know
what did.

Was it our divorce?
Is that stressful?

Oh, heavens no.

I would divorce you
every day if I could.

Well, was it
your womanly shape?

No.
What?

No.
No, I mean,

I have almost no disquiet
in my life.

No hardship.

My blood worms are down
to a negligible level.

It makes no-- ah!

My goodness.

I think it might be
your hatchet.

Benjamin?

Why would Benjamin
be causing you stress?

He's not the one
that hit you in the chest.

It was a completely different
identical hatchet.

I have no idea.

But maybe it was because
it was a hatchet

that hit me in the chest
and caused me to go into a coma.

Mmm, I don't see
the connection.

Well, I'm not a doctor.

I'm an amateur magician
with the talent and the doves

to go professional,
but I think it's just logical

hat hatchets are what's causing
my arm to go crazy.

[gasps]

Whoa.

["Habanera" playing]

Unemployment is a real problem
in the adolescent community.

The have pre-school;
well, why not pre-work?

Call me progressive,
but I think children should be

afforded the same opportunities
to work as real people,

which is why every year,

I set up a booth
at the orphan job fair.

As the old saying goes,

"If there's grass
on the field,

hire that be-pube-ed up child
to dig up your weeds."

Have you begun menstruating?

We cannot afford to spend money
willy nilly

on sanitary napkins
and menstrual lozenges.

♪ Ave Maria ♪

Stop.

It is not your singing voice
I object to,

but your entire gestalt.

Yes, sir.

Oh, don't waste my time.

I like your look, but I don't
think you'll live

another six months.

You have a whiff
of the gypsy about you, Marley.

No, thank you.
Any sisters?

Cannot have one of you die
and the other be sad.

You're not a good fit
at the moment,

but we'll contact you if
Bellacourt is ever in need

of a human sandbag.

Hello, sir,
my name is Jay Densmith,

but you can call me Jay.

I want to learn to serve
any great house,

and for my money,

there is no greater house
than Bellacourt.

Well, you're not wrong there,
boy,

but I don't like this talk
of "my money."

Fair enough,
but my hands are small enough

to clean champagne glasses.

My head is the perfect size
to clean a cannon,

and my knees are intact,
so I make a perfect ottoman.

Prepubescent human ottoman.
I like the way you think, boy.

Welcome to Bellacourt.

[chuckles]

So I'll take the east wing
in the early evenings

for cranial adjustments
and colonics.

Yes, and I'll use it in
the mornings to clean my stamps.

Perfect.

Oh, now who gets
the Sherbet and Beef room?

[scoffs]
I don't care.

[chuckles]
I don't care as well.

I mean, it's not like
we're talking about

the Sorbet and Pork room here.

Now that's a good point.

- After you.
- All right.

Well, that is everything.
How amicable.

I guess it's true
what they say.

Annulments are fun.

Ending a marriage is easy.

- Well, goodnight.
- Good night.

[dramatic music]

[chuckles]
The Butternut room?

Oh, why on earth would you think
you get the Butternut Room?

It's my room.
Butt or nut.

Who do you think loves
those two things more?

You can't possibly
take this room!

I mean, this is where
I had my first fingering

before you even arrived
in Rhode Island.

How dare you! You know that
gourds are my passion!

I mean, who do you think
painted this?

The room is mine.

Do you want a protracted
palimony suit, woman?

Because I will make your life
a living hell and I will win!

I spent the best years
of my life aging,

waiting around
for you to love me.

- You wanted me to love you?
- Well, no, but...

I will not leave this room until
you acquiesce or drop dead.

Stop quoting
our wedding night.

Well, it looks like
there's nothing left to do

but sit here
and do absolutely nothing.

Oh, Victor, you don't want
to play that game with me.

I've been doing absolutely
nothing for 35 years.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

You won't be surprised to know
that I am currently

in Washington, DC,
serving a four year term

as the captain
of Rhode Island.

Ah.
[chuckles]

- Freddy?
- Ah, this is not a good time.

Do you really have to travel
all the way to Bellacourt

for Kermit the Baby's shower?

Can't you just send a gift
and skip it?

No!
That's exactly what he wants.

He wants me not to attend

so he can be the only
baby Bellacourt boy there.

He's only three weeks old.

Yes, I know, because it's been

the worst three weeks
of my life.

I have always been the only boy
in the Bellacourt family.

- Yes.
- I'm the Bellacourt boy.

Yes, honey,
you are the Bellacourt boy,

but you are also
a US senator,

so how do you want to vote
on these laws?

Starting the Banana Wars,
financing the Panama Canal,

repealing Jim Crow laws.

- [groans]
- You go. You can do it.

Why don't I just finish this
game of Jacks and then I'll--

No. No Jacks.
Time to pass the laws.

I'll pass the laws
right afterwards.

We pass the laws every day.

You sto-- Why do they make it
on this color paper?

Okay, let's just make it easy.

Yes, yes,
and not in my America.

♪ Got a baby ♪

And this majestic kingdom
is the downstairs

where you shall serve.

Your job will be to sift
through the pig manure

with your little baby hands
to find reusable food scraps

for the elderly servants.

Well, dash my wig.

This sounds like a dream
come true, Peepers.

Oh, that's Mr. Peepers
to you.

He'll cane you for an hour
if you get it wrong.

[chuckles]
Oh, that's all right, Garfield.

He's just starting his career
at Bellacourt.

I think there'll be
plenty of time

to cane him
during his stay.

[whooshing]

I can't wait.

Oh, Jay, this is Garfield.

Garfield started as a hallboy

and worked his way all the way
to underbutler

and then down
to potato scrubber.

With potential
for advancement.

Garfield will be
your mentor.

I love to learn.

And I love you.

Well, that's just--

That's just...

Thank you, boy.

All right, lesson one.

While I finish decorating
this cake for the baby shower,

you start scrubbing
the pots and pans.

Okay.

How about you start scrubbing
my butthole.

Yeah.

[dramatic music]

[upbeat music]

All the times my arm
acted up,

I thought it was because of
other stressful things

like bathing alone
or being served

the wrong kind of tapioca.

But now I think back on it,

every incident
was hatchet induced.

You know, I probably wouldn't
even be in this predicament

if there weren't so many
hatchets in this house.

I think we should just
get rid of them.

But, Albert,
you don't understand.

- I like hatchets.
- I know you do.

But you live with a man
who doesn't have the capacity

to be around one safely.

I mean, how many people
and servants have to die

before we realize
enough is enough?

Wait, so you're saying
I should give up my hatchets

just because they cause
some people to act violently?

Yes, that's exactly
what I'm saying.

So what?
First you take my hatchets,

then you take my buzzsaws.
What's next?

My timber jigs?

Then how am I supposed to
chop beaver carcasses

or defend myself in a mutiny?

You can use a gun to mutiny.

That would take forever
to load.

Darling, I'm just saying
that I think this house

would be a lot safer,
especially my misbehaving hand,

if we got rid
of the hatchets.

Or institute some kind
of waiting period

so I can get my head on
straight.

Albert, that's crazy.

Every man, some children,
and me

should be armed
with a hatchet.

I mean, think about it.
If you'd had a hatchet,

you could have killed your
attacker before he killed you.

I'm not dead.
He didn't kill me.

Or you could have thrown
your hatchet

at Frederick's hatchet
and stopped it in mid-air.

- The no one would have died.
- No one did die.

Either way, the point is
hatchets don't kill people.

People without hatchets do
because they basically

kill themselves
by not having hatchets.

Think about it.

Have you ever seen a dead body
with a hatchet in its hand?

[dramatic music]

Oh, look, a harp.

♪ The Butternut Room is mine ♪

♪ The Butternut Room
is mine ♪

♪ I can't believe I got
the Butternut Room ♪

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Oh.

Ooh, who's gonna cry and leave?

You are.

The Butternut--
Butternut--

[sighs]

[grunts]
[squishing]

[sighs]

[coughs]

[dramatic music]

I like to share my wisdom,

so I'm going to help Albert
cure his hatchet phobia.

When I was little,
Mother made me get over my fear

of butterflies by forcing me
to spend time with them.

She locked me in a chamber
with thousands of monarchs

for two days.
It was terrifying.

But it completely worked,

and I came out
a fully normal person.

Well, that's
an inspiring story,

but I don't understand how
summering with butterflies

is supposed to help me.

No, silly.

The hatchets
are the butterflies.

And I'm going to force you
to get used to them again.

Oh.

[pop music]

♪ ♪

♪ All I had
was a crazy dream ♪

♪ and a fire within my soul ♪

Take it, take it.

[grunting]

♪ I had nothing
but some crazy schemes ♪

- ♪ way out of my control ♪
- Help me, save me from myself.

♪ I got to thinking
it was fantasy ♪

♪ and I'll never make it
through ♪

♪ I always knew
what I wanted to be ♪

♪ just what I gotta do ♪

[grunting]

♪ nothing's gonna
stop me now ♪

♪ It's my story ♪

♪ and no one's gonna
tell me how ♪

♪ I gotta do it right ♪

- I'm cured!
- We did it!

After Victor put that banana
in my shoe,

I found the perfect way
to get even.

Oh, servant.

Please send this
to the postal office.

Don't you want to know what was
in the telegram, Victor?

Oh, let me guess.

You ordered me another tuxedo
without a waistband.

Even worse, one from Italy.
Ugh.

No, I sent a telegram
ordering the slaughter

of your entire family
in Bavaria.

- Very funny.
- It's not a joke, Victor.

Remember that holiday we took
to the Bosnian coastline

where I had
that adulterous liaison

with Slobodan,
the anarchist?

Well, he owes me a favor.

So all you have to do
is leave the room

and stop the servant
from sending the telegram.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[evil laughter]

- No!
- No.

So torn.

I love my family,
but...

Butternut has always
been there for me.

Victor, you're going to let
your entire family die

for this room?
I mean...

he's getting into the carriage.

And he's driving away.

And he's gone,
just like your family.

What is wrong with you?

This is so unfair.
This is so unfair!

Typical of my family
to get brutally murdered

just when I'm finally happy.

[exhales sharply]
Selfish pigs.

What kind
of monster are you?

Butternut!

♪ I'm the king, yeah, yeah
I'm the bomb ♪

Hello, ex-husband.

How's it going
with your enfeebled arm?

Oh, it hasn't acted up
at all.

Try me.

Nothing.
[laughter]

It's like
I'm truly fearless now.

Oh, Albert.
I'm so proud of myself.

You conquered all your fears.

What?

Well, there's one last thing
I haven't conquered.

It's my hatchet wound.

I haven't shown it
to anybody,

but it's part of who I am now,

and I need to be proud of it.

Oh, I've never seen
anything like it before.

- Yeah.
- Whoa, what's this top part?

It's non-functional.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh.

And you want to kiss it.
Like that.

[moaning]

It just feels so fucking good.

Albert,
I want to give you something.

You're gonna give me
Benjamin?

No, of course not.
Benjamin's like family.

But I am giving you
a different hatchet.

This is Dan.

Dan, I thought you
were Benjamin.

Oh, he gets that
all the time.

We're gonna have
a lot of laughs together.

Mm-hmm.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Jay, why are you in
Dodo's old room?

The baby shower
is about to begin.

Mind your own business,
hook-nose.

Why does it look like
you have thief sleeve?

I don't.
Go jump off a cliff.

Oh, I most certainly
will not.

- Hey, stop.
- Come here, let me see this.

- Stop! Stop!
- Ow! Give me this.

What is the meaning
of this?

No one is to be
in this room.

Mr. Peepers, it was Jay.
He was in here--

Garfield tried to make
pom-pom with me.

both: - What?
- Yeah, yeah.

He grabbed me and he said
he wanted to grind my corn.

I told him I'm only a boy but
that just got him more excited.

I've always had my suspicions
about you and children.

You and that squeaky voice
of yours.

No, no, no, no.
I would never.

I like women, black women.

I think Jay was stealing.
You must check him.

- [bell ringing]
- [gasps]

I may have a pederast on staff.
What to do?

Traditionally, the best course
of action is to ignore it.

What I know for sure, we have
a baby shower to attend to.

We'll sort this out
ipso post shower.

Now let's go.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Let the ceremony commence.

[classical music]

♪ ♪

Excuse me,
I am underbutler,

and I am in
first position.

No, Garfield, in light of
today's events, I think it best

if you stay as far away from
the baby as possible.

Oh, yes.

Behold!

May I present to you,
Kermit Constantine Bellacourt.

My favorite Bellacourt boy.

- I knew it.
- [chuckles]

Little bastard's trying
to push me out.

Frederick,
meet your baby brother.

- No thank you.
- Frederick, hold your brother.

Why don't you make him
hold me?

Do it.

[mumbling]

As is Bellacourt tradition,
the head butler

shall recite the names
of the first exiters,

all Bellacourt children
that expired

before they made
their baby shower.

Ahem.

Abel, Agatha,

Ambrose, Arthur,

Augustina.

You sure you want
to do this?

Yes.
I'm sick of hiding it.

It's time to let my hatchet
wound flap in the wind.

Other Myrtle, Nana,
Nina.

[disco music playing]

♪ ♪

- Frederick.
- Beatrice.

Benjamin.
Albert.

Ahh!

[all screaming]

Dan?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[yelling]

No!

[crying]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[screams]

My thumbs!
Why?

[upbeat music]

What is this, you thief?

Don't send me back
to the orphanage.

I already burned
all my bridges there.

You're lucky
I don't make you hitchhike

because you have no thumbs.

You did it.
You saved the baby!

I saved baby Kermit!
See, I told you.

- So wonderful, right?
- [moans]

- Mm.
- Yeah.

The room's been notched.

I can't live
in a notched room.

I'd rather live
in a 12 bedroom shithole house.

I let my entire family die
for a notched room.

Hindsight, right?

I mean, who wants to live
in a room

with a compromised
overmantle?

Butternut's been ruined.

One might say that the room
was ruined

when you two spent three days
urinating and defecating in it.

Sure doesn't smell like this
in the Lilac Fantasy Room.

both: Lilac Fantasy Room.

- No!
- [both grunting]

- [chuckles]
- Get back!

- No, no! I set you hence.
- [both grunting]

- You're hurting me.
- [grunting]

Mine!

My clavicle.

I was thinking about it.

If that ragamuffin boy
had a third hatchet,

he could have thrown his hatchet
at the one

that careened off of Benjamin,
then they all would have hit

each other and fallen
harmlessly at the same time.

You're right.
It wasn't my fault.

It was your family's fault
for not giving that orphan boy

- more weaponry.
- I know.

A hatchet in every hand.
It's just safer that way.

Ahh! Ahh!

[both screaming]