Another Period (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
Previously on
Another Period...
Once a month, we have to have
procreation sex
with our dumb husbands.
Done.
Dear Lord, please let me
get a divorce.
We're in a homosexual
relationship.
I don't care about anything.
I literally have no
behavioral standards at all.
My name is Celine, madam.
Servant, your name
is Chair now.
I think the Commodore
is having an affair.
You need to know your place!
It's downstairs!
Someone wrote an expose about our family.
They called us "The Modern Pigs"!
I cannot have this scandal!
You're banished from Bellacourt!
Hey, it's the Pig Sisters.
I never met anyone
famous before.
Famous?
Forget trying to get
accepted into society.
We're going to get famous.
Yeah!
♪ I'm money ♪
♪ I want the money,
I want the fame ♪
♪ I want the whole world
to know my name ♪
♪ this is mine,
I got to get it ♪
♪ I got to get it,
got, got to get it ♪
♪ "Another Period" ♪
It's been a pretty wild ride
since the "Modern Pigs"
came out.
At first,
everyone new our names.
It gave us adoration, glamour,
and most of all, dignity.
Unfortunately, we live
in the fast-paced world
of the bimonthly news cycle,
so we're yesterday's news.
Yes, a white child lost
his hand at the tuna cannery,
and now that's all
the press is covering
and we're stuck
living here in this
coal mine or this--
this barn.
What would you
call this place?
It's my home.
Home for your dogs, or where
you put your dog's shit?
If you don't like it, maybe
it's time for you to leave.
Penelope, can you ask your
friends to leave us alone?
They're not my friends,
they're my children.
And it's not Penelope,
it Pee-nuh-lope.
Like a cross between a penis
and a cantaloupe.
Oh, well, anyway,
Penis Cantaloupe,
you know what would
make us feel better?
Fine.
Oh, wow,
as I live and breathe!
- It really is the Pig Sisters!
- Why, yes, it is us.
Oink oink!
- Where is everyone going?
- Hello, we're right here.
- Hello?
- This is all your fault.
Remember us from two weeks ago?
Thank you.
A bench in my honor.
I will cherish this forever.
Thank you.
Why is she famous?
She's not even pretty.
It's Harriet Tubman
from the Underground Railroad.
One of the most famous people
in the world.
She helped free
all those slaves.
Huh, she ought to
free herself from that
burlap sack
around her head.
- Let's go talk to her.
- Mm-hmm.
Hello, Harriet Tubman?
We would like to become famous
how you are
but still young and pretty
how we are.
Why don't you girls come
with me for a nice cup of tea?
According to your resume,
you were
the second footman
at the Breaker's.
How did you find
that experience?
Well, I was awarded
the Golden Dustpan twice.
Well, I think
I've heard all I need to.
You see, we have no need for
braggarts here at Bellacourt.
I trust you can
see yourself out,
that is, if you can
see past that nose
you've got stuck up
in the air.
Good day, sir.
- Mr. Peepers?
- Hmm?
That was the 37th candidate
we've seen.
Indeed, it was, Garfield,
and I will see 137 more
if need be.
I will never settle when it
comes to Bellacourt.
I let down my guard
once when hiring
she-who-shall-not-be-named.
You-- um, Chair?
Well, of course
I mean Chair.
Who else could I
possibly mean?
Never again, Garfield.
Next!
Well, come in, take a seat,
quit your quavering.
Your resume?
What is this name, "Floble"?
Flobelle, sir.
Very well,
let's start with flowers.
It's a mid-fall day,
dark clouds on the horizon,
the eldest daughter has been
dreaming of giants.
Please describe
the flower scheme for the home.
Azaleas in the foyer,
pink peonies in the bedroom,
and a smattering of flying duck
orchids in the outhouses.
That is correct.
What is your favorite type
of pewter?
Low lead, high silver.
The lady of the house wishes
to take a night walk.
She needs her 1881 Sears
and Roebuck taffeta gown
- brought to her and buttoned.
- What's the question?
The question is, Flobelle,
do you button it
while she's standing there,
or do you wait for her
to go on the veranda?
Well, the answer is neither.
Well, I can-- I've had all
the insolence I can take.
Thank you very much, Floble,
or Flobelle, or whatever it is--
The answer is neither
because it's not possible.
Sears and Roebuck manufactured
74 different night coats in the 1880s.
It wasn't until 1898
that Sears and Roebuck
began manufacturing taffeta
night coats with buttons.
So, you see,
I couldn't have buttoned it,
because there wouldn't be
any buttons.
But if there were to be
buttons, well,
I would let the lady determine
where she'd like
her buttons buttoned
because it's not up to me.
Because nothing is up to me.
Because I am just a servant.
Any further questions, sir?
Just one.
When can you start?
I already have.
Don't touch.
Oh, nice...
warm cup...
of chicory tea.
Sit the fuck down!
You want the secret
to my success?
- Yes.
- Huh?
- Yes.
- Yes, please.
- Well, I can teach you.
- You can?
Yes, but first...
where is my money?
- Where is my money?
- We don't have any money.
But we do have
some walking-around gold.
Walking-around gold?
All aboard, bitches!
Next stop, Tubman Town.
♪ I cut my own checks ♪
♪ I don't need the bank ♪
Commodore,
speaking as your lawyer,
even if you sell all
of your assets in the west,
you are still going under.
What else can I
possibly sell?
The Imaginarium?
The October house in Prague?
The December house in Prague?
My beautiful, yet impractical,
diamond underpants?
Sir, what about...
Hortense?
We could put a bow on her.
You can put a turd
on a bun,
but the jig is up
after the first bite.
I am sorry, sir,
but you are nearly broke,
and this shit sandwich
may be your last hope.
No one wants to do business with
a man whose wife eats opium.
And I dare get started
on the mistress.
Enough!
You leave her out of this!
Celine.
My sweet Celine!
Hello, Chair.
I was just checking on you.
I wanted to make sure
that you were all right.
You did this to her.
Blanche, you did it.
No, no, no, it wasn't me,
it was you.
No, you did it.
What?
No.
You're a bad, bad girl,
Blanche.
No, no, no, please.
I don't--
I don't want to go to jail!
Oh, your life is over, Blanche.
That is, unless she
never wakes up.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
There you go.
There you go!
Oh, my God!
Her water just broke!
Look at her!
If only she were different
in every way.
She's your only shot
at saving the fortune.
Speaking of shots,
I'm still conscious.
Peepers, let's change that.
Your father needs
to marry you off.
- No.
- To save the family.
Never!
I just don't think
it's going to work.
It will not work
because I refuse to cooperate--
- You might be right.
- ...with no ideas of her own...
You know, she's not only
just toothy, she's lippy too.
...whose sole purpose on Earth
is to please men,
like Lillian and Beatrice!
Sorry you can't just
marry them off twice!
Now, I don't know
if you've been listening,
but she's talking nonstop.
Peach, wire the Pope.
I have an idea.
♪ I just want the money ♪
♪ I just want the money ♪
How do you think I became
the Moses of my people?
You think they just started
calling me that on their own?
We've never really thought
about other people ever,
so I don't know.
Well, honey child,
I thought of that shit, mm-hmm.
You ever hear
of Jelson Paramour?
- No.
- Exactly.
Jelson freed more slaves
than anybody in history,
but he didn't know a thing
about branding.
He wanted to call it
the "Slave Connection."
Ugh.
But slavery had
such a negative connotation.
Why?
So I said to him,
"Let's make it about trains."
White folks love themselves
some trains.
We really do.
20 years later,
I'm a legend.
Someday, they'll even
put me on money.
We love money.
And Jelson?
Threw himself
in front of a train.
Very ironic.
It is funny.
Thank you
for showing me around.
I'm sure you have a lot more
important things to be doing.
Oh, I most certainly do.
I basically run
the entire household.
Hello.
Mmm.
Bit more saffron.
Uh, I was sanitizing
the chamber pots.
Yes.
Well, a bit more saffron
will do it.
Where's Mr. Peepers?
Um, don't you mean,
"Where's Mr. Garfield?"
Chair has gone into labor!
Where's Mr. Peepers?
Please help me!
'Cause I can't do that!
I can't do it!
Listen to me, Flobelle!
Flobelle.
Her first job
is to deliver baby.
That will be good.
There is no problem!
♪ turn up, turn up, turn up ♪
♪ turn up the bass ♪
It's a good thing
it's chilly out,
otherwise, I'd need
a bigger canvass.
Gentlemen...
I'm afraid I have
some bad news.
Oh, I swear, if opera diva
Jenny Lind is dead,
- I will kill myself!
- Don't tell me Hamburg hats
are out of style.
I just bought four!
Will you two shut up?
The time has come for you
to leave Bellacourt for good.
No, no, no,
don't kick us out!
I can't go back
to Lower Bavaria!
- Unless...
- Unless what?
Unless you agree
to grant annulments
to Lillian and Beatrice.
We've been married
for 20 years.
Who's gonna give us
an annulment?
The Pope owes me a favor.
Remember when I allowed those
displaced priests to stay here?
How could I forget?
I know this must be difficult
for you.
But think of the family.
Annulment!
Annulment! Annulment!
Oh, very good.
If we gonna develop
the Bellacourt brand,
we need to figure out
what you're good at.
Well, my personal talent is
that I can make anyone cry
in under 60 seconds.
Oh, 30 if they're a widow.
And mine is that
I've assigned a color
to every letter
in the alphabet.
A is red, B is blue,
C is 11...
that's as high as I can go.
Uh, I have an idea.
I'll say a word,
and I want you to say
the first thing
that comes to your mind, okay?
- Okay.
- Passion.
- Diamonds.
- Incest.
Love.
- Diamonds.
- Incest.
Success.
- Diamonds.
- Incest baby.
Ooh, um, I think we're
on the wrong track, here.
Oh, I get it.
Because of trains.
Oh!
Maybe we need to go
the humanitarian route.
Find a cause that you two
can get behind.
But there's
no good causes left.
Everything's perfect.
Women don't have to vote,
we can drink as much as we want,
and children can work
just as much as anyone else.
Ugh, she's right.
There's no problems left
in the world.
You're so lucky
you had slavery.
♪ damn son ♪
- Come on, get this--
- Can you give me this?
No, stop!
You're gonna crush it!
Ah!
Oh, I'm sorry, Chair.
Push!
Push on the belly, just--
I don't think you're supposed
to push on the belly.
Yes, push it down,
and it'll pop right out.
Okay.
It's not working!
Pull-- pull her down!
We need to open her legs.
Everything is beautiful.
Here comes your baby.
Maybe if we, like, pump like a
bicycle, we'll pump it out.
Yes!
Yes.
- Oh, Flobelle.
- I think this is gonna work.
There you go, Chair.
Here comes the baby.
Oh.
- Yes, hi, Dr. Goldberg.
- Garfield.
Wait, doctor?
You're a doctor?
- Why aren't you doing this?
- No, no, no.
I'd probably
just muck everything up,
what with my years
of intensive medical training,
my degree in
the medical field--
Why are you being
so passive-aggressive?
I'll tell you what.
You keep delivering the baby,
I'll go downstairs,
grab some Borax
and cleaning utensils,
and I'll scrub the floors!
We're gonna kill them both!
- Please!
- Please what?
- Please help!
- Doc--
- Doctor.
- Doctor, that's right.
I am trained in the medical
profession and here to help.
I'm going to need
the greatest technology
medicine has to offer--
a wet rag and a scalpel.
Let's get this baby born.
Now, Commodore,
I think we need to discuss
these donations to charity.
The only charity
I donate to
is the Men's Health Clinic
of Newport.
And that's specifically
for finding a cure for syphilis.
In the last decade,
your wife has donated
over $50 million
to various charities
in the greater Newport area.
What?
Dodo!
I'll destroy her!
Dodo's ruined me!
If she has been spending
without your consent,
you have every reason
to get rid of her.
Kill her with my bare hands,
you say?
Oh!
Uh, no.
That's a bit messy.
Just send her away.
Right.
Hobson, contact the asylum.
Dodo's going jacket shopping...
straitjacket shopping!
Madam. Madam!
Listen to me.
You are in grave danger.
You must come with me now!
Oh, Peepers, I haven't come
since the Polk administration.
This is no time
for joking, madam,
although I found that remark
very funny.
I jest not, hireling.
I am no longer
an orgasmic woman.
Not even the bumpiest
of carriage rides
can grape my raisin.
Lady Dodo, please!
The Commodore is going to-- oh!
Leave me be, Peepers.
That is an order.
I will meet my fate
as I choose.
As you wish, madam.
Dodo!
Dodo!
Dodo!
Dodo!
Aah!
So you want to get famous?
Yes.
I think you need
to do something
that makes a splash.
I like where you're going
with this.
You're going to be
the first people
to go over Niagara Falls
in a barrel!
Aah!
You'll be the famous
Bellacourt Barrel Sisters,
and all you have to do
is go down the falls like this.
Well, you get the idea.
Commodore has tasked me with
finding Lillian and Beatrice.
And if there is a Bellacourt
within a thousand miles of me,
then by God,
like pieces of lint
on a freshly pressed
cummerbund,
I'll sniff them out.
Not until I found that
god-awful Pee-nuh-lope woman
in all of her middle-class
squalor did I discover
all this waterfall nonsense.
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Where are they?
I don't know.
No!
Not the baby!
Where are they?
Okay, I'll tell you!
You were about to tell me,
and I threw the baby.
I did not expect you
to tell me.
That's why I threw the baby.
I am so sorry.
I am so very sorry.
He's not crying!
I'm sure he's fine.
I'll go get the baby.
No!
There he is.
I think he's fine.
I think he's fine.
- Oh!
- No worse for the wear.
What's wrong with you?
I lost my temper
and I apologize.
Are you sure this
is a good idea?
Beatrice, I've never
seen anyone be such a baby
about going over a
160-foot waterfall in a barrel.
Oh.
How do we look?
Like two white women.
Now get down in the barrel.
Get in there.
Get in there.
Get on.
Oh! Can I have my lucky ship
in a bottle?
As you wish.
- There you go.
- Thank you!
Now get down in there
really good.
They'll be dead on impact.
Wait.
What did he say?
I heard, "Good luck!"
Ooh!
I just want you to know...
if anything happens to us,
I really,
really loved being rich.
Nooooo!
My God!
He's magnificent.
I shall name you Kermit.
Kermit the Baby.
Yes.
"Kermit. Kermit the Baby."
The repetition will help people
remember his name.
Oh, God!
Girls!
Oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho!
Oh, girls!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Lady Beatrice!
Lady Beatrice!
- Ah!
- Oh! Oh, you're all right!
Oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Stand up.
Stand up, Lady Beatrice!
There you are!
There you are!
Lillian!
Lady Lillian!
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
You're alive!
Upsy-daisy.
There you are, dear.
Stand up.
There you are.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Harriet Tubman!
Thank you, all.
- Harriet, we did it!
- We're alive!
So it brings me great pleasure
to introduce my newest venture.
Harriet?
Tubman's Man-Tubs.
"The Strongest Tub
a Man Can Buy."
Even those two
pathetic heiresses
survived a tumble in my tub!
- What?
- Uh, no! No!
She's taking all the attention!
She Jelson Paramour'd us!
Shh.
Come on, girls.
Let's go home.
♪ Let's go home ♪
♪ Let's go home ♪
Daddy, I'm so happy
we're home.
Yes, could one of your lawyers
draw us a Beluga bath?
Not so fast.
Here's how this
is going to work.
I will allow you to return
to Bellacourt Manor
under one condition.
I've had my legal team
draw up documents.
You will sign them, annulling
your respective marriages
to Victor and Albert.
I know you love your husbands.
You've spent
your lives together.
- This must be difficult for you.
- Mm-mm.
But in order
to save this family,
I need you to start dating rich,
eligible bachelors.
Do you understand?
Oh, that's a daddy's girls!
Ooh!
Ah, ah, ah, not that one.
Thank you.
Another Period...
Once a month, we have to have
procreation sex
with our dumb husbands.
Done.
Dear Lord, please let me
get a divorce.
We're in a homosexual
relationship.
I don't care about anything.
I literally have no
behavioral standards at all.
My name is Celine, madam.
Servant, your name
is Chair now.
I think the Commodore
is having an affair.
You need to know your place!
It's downstairs!
Someone wrote an expose about our family.
They called us "The Modern Pigs"!
I cannot have this scandal!
You're banished from Bellacourt!
Hey, it's the Pig Sisters.
I never met anyone
famous before.
Famous?
Forget trying to get
accepted into society.
We're going to get famous.
Yeah!
♪ I'm money ♪
♪ I want the money,
I want the fame ♪
♪ I want the whole world
to know my name ♪
♪ this is mine,
I got to get it ♪
♪ I got to get it,
got, got to get it ♪
♪ "Another Period" ♪
It's been a pretty wild ride
since the "Modern Pigs"
came out.
At first,
everyone new our names.
It gave us adoration, glamour,
and most of all, dignity.
Unfortunately, we live
in the fast-paced world
of the bimonthly news cycle,
so we're yesterday's news.
Yes, a white child lost
his hand at the tuna cannery,
and now that's all
the press is covering
and we're stuck
living here in this
coal mine or this--
this barn.
What would you
call this place?
It's my home.
Home for your dogs, or where
you put your dog's shit?
If you don't like it, maybe
it's time for you to leave.
Penelope, can you ask your
friends to leave us alone?
They're not my friends,
they're my children.
And it's not Penelope,
it Pee-nuh-lope.
Like a cross between a penis
and a cantaloupe.
Oh, well, anyway,
Penis Cantaloupe,
you know what would
make us feel better?
Fine.
Oh, wow,
as I live and breathe!
- It really is the Pig Sisters!
- Why, yes, it is us.
Oink oink!
- Where is everyone going?
- Hello, we're right here.
- Hello?
- This is all your fault.
Remember us from two weeks ago?
Thank you.
A bench in my honor.
I will cherish this forever.
Thank you.
Why is she famous?
She's not even pretty.
It's Harriet Tubman
from the Underground Railroad.
One of the most famous people
in the world.
She helped free
all those slaves.
Huh, she ought to
free herself from that
burlap sack
around her head.
- Let's go talk to her.
- Mm-hmm.
Hello, Harriet Tubman?
We would like to become famous
how you are
but still young and pretty
how we are.
Why don't you girls come
with me for a nice cup of tea?
According to your resume,
you were
the second footman
at the Breaker's.
How did you find
that experience?
Well, I was awarded
the Golden Dustpan twice.
Well, I think
I've heard all I need to.
You see, we have no need for
braggarts here at Bellacourt.
I trust you can
see yourself out,
that is, if you can
see past that nose
you've got stuck up
in the air.
Good day, sir.
- Mr. Peepers?
- Hmm?
That was the 37th candidate
we've seen.
Indeed, it was, Garfield,
and I will see 137 more
if need be.
I will never settle when it
comes to Bellacourt.
I let down my guard
once when hiring
she-who-shall-not-be-named.
You-- um, Chair?
Well, of course
I mean Chair.
Who else could I
possibly mean?
Never again, Garfield.
Next!
Well, come in, take a seat,
quit your quavering.
Your resume?
What is this name, "Floble"?
Flobelle, sir.
Very well,
let's start with flowers.
It's a mid-fall day,
dark clouds on the horizon,
the eldest daughter has been
dreaming of giants.
Please describe
the flower scheme for the home.
Azaleas in the foyer,
pink peonies in the bedroom,
and a smattering of flying duck
orchids in the outhouses.
That is correct.
What is your favorite type
of pewter?
Low lead, high silver.
The lady of the house wishes
to take a night walk.
She needs her 1881 Sears
and Roebuck taffeta gown
- brought to her and buttoned.
- What's the question?
The question is, Flobelle,
do you button it
while she's standing there,
or do you wait for her
to go on the veranda?
Well, the answer is neither.
Well, I can-- I've had all
the insolence I can take.
Thank you very much, Floble,
or Flobelle, or whatever it is--
The answer is neither
because it's not possible.
Sears and Roebuck manufactured
74 different night coats in the 1880s.
It wasn't until 1898
that Sears and Roebuck
began manufacturing taffeta
night coats with buttons.
So, you see,
I couldn't have buttoned it,
because there wouldn't be
any buttons.
But if there were to be
buttons, well,
I would let the lady determine
where she'd like
her buttons buttoned
because it's not up to me.
Because nothing is up to me.
Because I am just a servant.
Any further questions, sir?
Just one.
When can you start?
I already have.
Don't touch.
Oh, nice...
warm cup...
of chicory tea.
Sit the fuck down!
You want the secret
to my success?
- Yes.
- Huh?
- Yes.
- Yes, please.
- Well, I can teach you.
- You can?
Yes, but first...
where is my money?
- Where is my money?
- We don't have any money.
But we do have
some walking-around gold.
Walking-around gold?
All aboard, bitches!
Next stop, Tubman Town.
♪ I cut my own checks ♪
♪ I don't need the bank ♪
Commodore,
speaking as your lawyer,
even if you sell all
of your assets in the west,
you are still going under.
What else can I
possibly sell?
The Imaginarium?
The October house in Prague?
The December house in Prague?
My beautiful, yet impractical,
diamond underpants?
Sir, what about...
Hortense?
We could put a bow on her.
You can put a turd
on a bun,
but the jig is up
after the first bite.
I am sorry, sir,
but you are nearly broke,
and this shit sandwich
may be your last hope.
No one wants to do business with
a man whose wife eats opium.
And I dare get started
on the mistress.
Enough!
You leave her out of this!
Celine.
My sweet Celine!
Hello, Chair.
I was just checking on you.
I wanted to make sure
that you were all right.
You did this to her.
Blanche, you did it.
No, no, no, it wasn't me,
it was you.
No, you did it.
What?
No.
You're a bad, bad girl,
Blanche.
No, no, no, please.
I don't--
I don't want to go to jail!
Oh, your life is over, Blanche.
That is, unless she
never wakes up.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
There you go.
There you go!
Oh, my God!
Her water just broke!
Look at her!
If only she were different
in every way.
She's your only shot
at saving the fortune.
Speaking of shots,
I'm still conscious.
Peepers, let's change that.
Your father needs
to marry you off.
- No.
- To save the family.
Never!
I just don't think
it's going to work.
It will not work
because I refuse to cooperate--
- You might be right.
- ...with no ideas of her own...
You know, she's not only
just toothy, she's lippy too.
...whose sole purpose on Earth
is to please men,
like Lillian and Beatrice!
Sorry you can't just
marry them off twice!
Now, I don't know
if you've been listening,
but she's talking nonstop.
Peach, wire the Pope.
I have an idea.
♪ I just want the money ♪
♪ I just want the money ♪
How do you think I became
the Moses of my people?
You think they just started
calling me that on their own?
We've never really thought
about other people ever,
so I don't know.
Well, honey child,
I thought of that shit, mm-hmm.
You ever hear
of Jelson Paramour?
- No.
- Exactly.
Jelson freed more slaves
than anybody in history,
but he didn't know a thing
about branding.
He wanted to call it
the "Slave Connection."
Ugh.
But slavery had
such a negative connotation.
Why?
So I said to him,
"Let's make it about trains."
White folks love themselves
some trains.
We really do.
20 years later,
I'm a legend.
Someday, they'll even
put me on money.
We love money.
And Jelson?
Threw himself
in front of a train.
Very ironic.
It is funny.
Thank you
for showing me around.
I'm sure you have a lot more
important things to be doing.
Oh, I most certainly do.
I basically run
the entire household.
Hello.
Mmm.
Bit more saffron.
Uh, I was sanitizing
the chamber pots.
Yes.
Well, a bit more saffron
will do it.
Where's Mr. Peepers?
Um, don't you mean,
"Where's Mr. Garfield?"
Chair has gone into labor!
Where's Mr. Peepers?
Please help me!
'Cause I can't do that!
I can't do it!
Listen to me, Flobelle!
Flobelle.
Her first job
is to deliver baby.
That will be good.
There is no problem!
♪ turn up, turn up, turn up ♪
♪ turn up the bass ♪
It's a good thing
it's chilly out,
otherwise, I'd need
a bigger canvass.
Gentlemen...
I'm afraid I have
some bad news.
Oh, I swear, if opera diva
Jenny Lind is dead,
- I will kill myself!
- Don't tell me Hamburg hats
are out of style.
I just bought four!
Will you two shut up?
The time has come for you
to leave Bellacourt for good.
No, no, no,
don't kick us out!
I can't go back
to Lower Bavaria!
- Unless...
- Unless what?
Unless you agree
to grant annulments
to Lillian and Beatrice.
We've been married
for 20 years.
Who's gonna give us
an annulment?
The Pope owes me a favor.
Remember when I allowed those
displaced priests to stay here?
How could I forget?
I know this must be difficult
for you.
But think of the family.
Annulment!
Annulment! Annulment!
Oh, very good.
If we gonna develop
the Bellacourt brand,
we need to figure out
what you're good at.
Well, my personal talent is
that I can make anyone cry
in under 60 seconds.
Oh, 30 if they're a widow.
And mine is that
I've assigned a color
to every letter
in the alphabet.
A is red, B is blue,
C is 11...
that's as high as I can go.
Uh, I have an idea.
I'll say a word,
and I want you to say
the first thing
that comes to your mind, okay?
- Okay.
- Passion.
- Diamonds.
- Incest.
Love.
- Diamonds.
- Incest.
Success.
- Diamonds.
- Incest baby.
Ooh, um, I think we're
on the wrong track, here.
Oh, I get it.
Because of trains.
Oh!
Maybe we need to go
the humanitarian route.
Find a cause that you two
can get behind.
But there's
no good causes left.
Everything's perfect.
Women don't have to vote,
we can drink as much as we want,
and children can work
just as much as anyone else.
Ugh, she's right.
There's no problems left
in the world.
You're so lucky
you had slavery.
♪ damn son ♪
- Come on, get this--
- Can you give me this?
No, stop!
You're gonna crush it!
Ah!
Oh, I'm sorry, Chair.
Push!
Push on the belly, just--
I don't think you're supposed
to push on the belly.
Yes, push it down,
and it'll pop right out.
Okay.
It's not working!
Pull-- pull her down!
We need to open her legs.
Everything is beautiful.
Here comes your baby.
Maybe if we, like, pump like a
bicycle, we'll pump it out.
Yes!
Yes.
- Oh, Flobelle.
- I think this is gonna work.
There you go, Chair.
Here comes the baby.
Oh.
- Yes, hi, Dr. Goldberg.
- Garfield.
Wait, doctor?
You're a doctor?
- Why aren't you doing this?
- No, no, no.
I'd probably
just muck everything up,
what with my years
of intensive medical training,
my degree in
the medical field--
Why are you being
so passive-aggressive?
I'll tell you what.
You keep delivering the baby,
I'll go downstairs,
grab some Borax
and cleaning utensils,
and I'll scrub the floors!
We're gonna kill them both!
- Please!
- Please what?
- Please help!
- Doc--
- Doctor.
- Doctor, that's right.
I am trained in the medical
profession and here to help.
I'm going to need
the greatest technology
medicine has to offer--
a wet rag and a scalpel.
Let's get this baby born.
Now, Commodore,
I think we need to discuss
these donations to charity.
The only charity
I donate to
is the Men's Health Clinic
of Newport.
And that's specifically
for finding a cure for syphilis.
In the last decade,
your wife has donated
over $50 million
to various charities
in the greater Newport area.
What?
Dodo!
I'll destroy her!
Dodo's ruined me!
If she has been spending
without your consent,
you have every reason
to get rid of her.
Kill her with my bare hands,
you say?
Oh!
Uh, no.
That's a bit messy.
Just send her away.
Right.
Hobson, contact the asylum.
Dodo's going jacket shopping...
straitjacket shopping!
Madam. Madam!
Listen to me.
You are in grave danger.
You must come with me now!
Oh, Peepers, I haven't come
since the Polk administration.
This is no time
for joking, madam,
although I found that remark
very funny.
I jest not, hireling.
I am no longer
an orgasmic woman.
Not even the bumpiest
of carriage rides
can grape my raisin.
Lady Dodo, please!
The Commodore is going to-- oh!
Leave me be, Peepers.
That is an order.
I will meet my fate
as I choose.
As you wish, madam.
Dodo!
Dodo!
Dodo!
Dodo!
Aah!
So you want to get famous?
Yes.
I think you need
to do something
that makes a splash.
I like where you're going
with this.
You're going to be
the first people
to go over Niagara Falls
in a barrel!
Aah!
You'll be the famous
Bellacourt Barrel Sisters,
and all you have to do
is go down the falls like this.
Well, you get the idea.
Commodore has tasked me with
finding Lillian and Beatrice.
And if there is a Bellacourt
within a thousand miles of me,
then by God,
like pieces of lint
on a freshly pressed
cummerbund,
I'll sniff them out.
Not until I found that
god-awful Pee-nuh-lope woman
in all of her middle-class
squalor did I discover
all this waterfall nonsense.
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Where are they?
I don't know.
No!
Not the baby!
Where are they?
Okay, I'll tell you!
You were about to tell me,
and I threw the baby.
I did not expect you
to tell me.
That's why I threw the baby.
I am so sorry.
I am so very sorry.
He's not crying!
I'm sure he's fine.
I'll go get the baby.
No!
There he is.
I think he's fine.
I think he's fine.
- Oh!
- No worse for the wear.
What's wrong with you?
I lost my temper
and I apologize.
Are you sure this
is a good idea?
Beatrice, I've never
seen anyone be such a baby
about going over a
160-foot waterfall in a barrel.
Oh.
How do we look?
Like two white women.
Now get down in the barrel.
Get in there.
Get in there.
Get on.
Oh! Can I have my lucky ship
in a bottle?
As you wish.
- There you go.
- Thank you!
Now get down in there
really good.
They'll be dead on impact.
Wait.
What did he say?
I heard, "Good luck!"
Ooh!
I just want you to know...
if anything happens to us,
I really,
really loved being rich.
Nooooo!
My God!
He's magnificent.
I shall name you Kermit.
Kermit the Baby.
Yes.
"Kermit. Kermit the Baby."
The repetition will help people
remember his name.
Oh, God!
Girls!
Oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho!
Oh, girls!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Lady Beatrice!
Lady Beatrice!
- Ah!
- Oh! Oh, you're all right!
Oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Stand up.
Stand up, Lady Beatrice!
There you are!
There you are!
Lillian!
Lady Lillian!
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
You're alive!
Upsy-daisy.
There you are, dear.
Stand up.
There you are.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Harriet Tubman!
Thank you, all.
- Harriet, we did it!
- We're alive!
So it brings me great pleasure
to introduce my newest venture.
Harriet?
Tubman's Man-Tubs.
"The Strongest Tub
a Man Can Buy."
Even those two
pathetic heiresses
survived a tumble in my tub!
- What?
- Uh, no! No!
She's taking all the attention!
She Jelson Paramour'd us!
Shh.
Come on, girls.
Let's go home.
♪ Let's go home ♪
♪ Let's go home ♪
Daddy, I'm so happy
we're home.
Yes, could one of your lawyers
draw us a Beluga bath?
Not so fast.
Here's how this
is going to work.
I will allow you to return
to Bellacourt Manor
under one condition.
I've had my legal team
draw up documents.
You will sign them, annulling
your respective marriages
to Victor and Albert.
I know you love your husbands.
You've spent
your lives together.
- This must be difficult for you.
- Mm-mm.
But in order
to save this family,
I need you to start dating rich,
eligible bachelors.
Do you understand?
Oh, that's a daddy's girls!
Ooh!
Ah, ah, ah, not that one.
Thank you.