Another Period (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Dog Dinner Party - full transcript
Believing that it is his duty as a senator, Frederick has managed to get himself pre-engaged to Celery Savoy, one of the most sought after single women in Newport. Based on this news, Beatrice, taking another cue from Frederick, believes the only way to get what she wants, which is Frederick back as her own, is to stay a baby forever. Lillian, however, has always wanted Celery as a friend. To foster that friendship, Lillian hosts a seventeen course dinner party for Celery's dog, Dumpling. Frederick's pre-engagement could be threatened not only by Beatrice but an action by Dodo. As such, Dodo decides she needs to get herself drug-free. Peepers, who has been trained to say "yes, Madam" to any request by Dodo, may have difficulty in abiding by her wishes in this matter. And Chair tries to corrupt Garfield for her own benefit.
Hello, everyone.
[gasps]
frederick!
Beatrice.
May I present miss celery savoy
and her bow-wow, dumpling.
And may I make
the further announcement
That we are engaged...
In...
A soon-to-be-married
agreement.
[dramatic music]
[laughing]
♪ ♪
Celery [bleep] savoy
Is the president
of the clambake club.
It is unbelievable that a sack
of stupid like frederick
Was able to pull
in a human diamond like celery.
It's like catching
a golden lobster
With a trap made of shit.
Welcome
to the family, celery!
Congratulations, frederick.
You've become another cog
in the great marriage industry.
Well, that is very generous
of you to say,
Especially since you will never
know the joy of human touch.
Pardon me, frederick.
I'm afraid
I may not have heard you.
Would you mind re-describing
the nature of your relationship
With celery?
Well,
it's like my freddy said.
We're to be married.
Oh, yes.
That's what I thought he said.
I was just a little distracted
by this buzzing in my head
And hot numbness covering
my body and time slowing down.
(dodo)
frederick!
Uh, uh, I...
I have the most tremendous urge
to make water.
- Oh.
- I-I can't--
[all gasp]
[urine trickling]
That's not
a toilet, mother!
That's my new best friend!
I'm sure I'm pleased
to make your acquaintance.
(man)
♪ I want the money,
I want the fame ♪
♪ I want the whole world
to know my name ♪
♪ this is mine,
I got to get it ♪
♪ I got to get it,
got, got to get it ♪
♪ another period ♪
Mother didn't just urinate
On our newest and most
important family member.
Peepers,
fetch the urine talcum.
She also urinated on
this family's social standing.
I need to do something
that will force celery
To take our family
seriously again--
Host a 17-course meal
in honor of her dog, dumpling.
Lady of the house present!
If any of you feel a cough
coming on
Or any sort
of facial dampness
Please refrain
from breathing.
The puppies
for your perusal, madam.
Aw, they're all so cute!
Uh, I'll take that one.
Oh, no, no,
um, that one.
Oh, I can't decide!
I'll take them all.
You'll be perfect
for my cape!
Stop trying to escape.
Was that as bad
as I believe it was?
No. Everyone mistakes an heiress
for a water closet
From time to time,
don't they?
I'm sure celery
counts herself lucky
To be peed on
by the great dodo bellacourt.
Oh, heavens,
why must my body fail me so?
In some asiatic cultures,
relieving oneself
On the guest is considered
a sign of respect.
Would the madam
like a syringe of the dog?
No. This drug use
simply will not do!
- No more!
- A little won't hurt.
She said, "no more!"
The lady said,
"no more."
You know I had no choice in the
matter of my upcoming marriage.
I'm a senator now,
so I must get engaged.
But I thought that meant
you were going to change the law
So we could marry?
My sweet, shivering tower
of aspic.
Senators
don't make the laws.
They just accept bribes
from corporations.
And until there's a corporation
that cares about siblings
Being allowed to marry,
there's nothing we can do.
I hate corporations!
And I hate celery.
If it makes you feel
any better, I hate her too.
She's smart, well traveled.
She laughs at all my jokes.
It's awkward.
[sighs]
Well, it's fine.
We're just gonna
have to be more careful
When we sneak out
for our lovemaking.
Oh, my sweet, shivering tower
of aspic,
Father said that now
that I'm a senator,
We must stop
our fornicating.
What?
But I love you!
[sighs]
beatrice.
Beatrice, please--
Please don't do this, frederick.
I love you.
- Please, please don't do this.
- Baby. Bea.
Please, frederick,
don't do this.
You're acting like a baby...
Like the baby
I first made love to.
But we--we can't.
We had to grow up sometime.
We can't stay babies forever.
Yes, we can.
I hope we can still be
brother and sister.
We can't stay
babies forever.
Now, remember, peepers,
No matter how cunningly
or forcefully
I ask you for morphine,
you are to deny me.
Yes, madam.
It is an order.
Do you understand?
Yes, madam.
- So may I have some morphine?
- Yes, madam.
That was a test.
You are not
to give me morphine.
Yes, madam.
May I please have
some morphine?
- Yes, madam.
- No! It should be, "no, madam!"
- Yes, madam.
- So, again...
Can I have some morphine?
- Yes, madam.
- No!
Don't you understand?
Saying yes to you
is my morphine.
I can stay a baby forever.
[lullaby music]
♪ ♪
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh! My lady,
those are snacking beets
Not beautification beets.
How do I look?
Is my lady quite sure
that she wants to rub a beet
Into her face?
Mm-hmm.
Quite sure.
And I'm not a lady.
I'm a baby.
I can stay
a baby forever.
I see, my la--my baby.
Well, I shall place
this here.
Do I need more?
No, I think that's perfect.
Maybe just a little more.
Mm-hmm.
(garfield)
this way. Oops.
- Through, go through!
- Garfield, what are you doing?
I'm about to forever-sleep
these puppies
- For miss lillian's cape.
- Oh, fun.
Just wondering, do you think it
strange that one of your duties
Is to kill puppies
for a woman's fashion?
Hmm. No, I never
thought of it that way.
Besides, it's not a cape
of puppies for miss lillian.
It's a cape
of puppies for mayor cutie.
Here, cape puppy!
[hip-hop music]
We begin with two soups--
one hot, one cold--
Followed
by pheasant under glass,
Succeeded by quails from egypt,
fattened in switzerland,
Their wings mutilated
by the king of siam's personal
- Wing mutilator...
- Yum.
After which rabbit ears,
Which have been chopped
into a salade with...
So how did you two meet?
Was it love at first sight?
How'd dumpling
get the name dumpling?
How'd you get the name celery?
Tell me everything.
Well, me and freddy
met through your mother.
No love yet,
but here's hoping.
Dumpling got his name
because he looks
Like he's filled with potatoes,
and I got the name celery
Because papa always said
I took more energy than I gave.
[gasps]
Father always tells me
I'm an energy-suck as well.
[laughs]
who knew we had
so much in common?
[glasses clink]
Our next course
is a halibut from maine,
Lovingly glazed in
an orange-cranberry mostarda.
I have an awkward question
for you, lillian.
Is that halibut
actually from maine?
Your butler, poopers, just said
it, but I assume he was japing.
Poopers, is that halibut
from maine?
I can almost smell the bearded
fisherman who caught it.
Get rid of that poison!
Garfield,
remove this atrocity at once!
I apologize
one thousand-fold.
You're quite handsome
when you throw out food
A dog has spit out.
Oh, thank you, chair.
Do you ever wonder
what it would be like to taste
One tiny, little bite?
I know I do,
but I'm not as brave as you.
Maybe you could try it
and tell me what it's like.
No, I could never!
It's an unpardonable offense
To eat that which is designated
for the upstairs.
I must throw it
in the garbage.
I'd love to see
just one small morsel
In your perfect
little mouth.
[scoffs]
Well, I...
Guess I could have
one little nibble.
Yes.
It's like
a flaky little cloud!
What did you say
this was called, again?
- Food.
- Well, if this is food,
Then I'm glad
to have tried it.
It makes working for gruel
that much more rewarding,
Knowing that real food is going
to its rightful place, upstairs.
Well, I surely enjoyed
watching you do it.
Well, then I am glad
to have danced with the fire.
[psychedelic music]
♪ ♪
Product of a rape.
A double product of a rape.
Now, you listen to me, girls,
especially you, frederick!
I've never told you this before,
but I love you.
♪ ♪
[grunting]
♪ ♪
Bananas flambé.
- [barks]
- [growling]
They don't like it.
Throw it away. Throw it away.
I'm so sorry.
Celery, I would like
to take this moment, if I may,
To present a gift
to our most esteemed guest.
Oh, lillian, you didn't have
to get me anything.
No, it's for dumpling.
Dumpling...
Please accept this gift
On behalf of the entire
bellacourt family.
(celery)
oh, what a heavenly necklace.
If only dumpling
liked wearing emeralds.
He's finicky,
but he really knows himself.
I admire that about him.
She's been acting this way
Ever since frederick
announced his engagement.
[whispering]
has she done this kind
of thing before?
Once. Frederick invited a
young duchess to the cotillion,
And beatrice buried herself
alive in the radish garden.
But this time
it seems serious.
[bell ringing]
- oh, it's kielbasa time.
I must be going.
I will leave this to you.
Well, I see miss beatrice
is dressed like a little girl.
Baby bea, if you please.
How long have
you been a baby?
Mm-mm-mm.
Was it since
someone hurt you?
And was that person
your brother, freddy?
[psychedelic music]
♪ ♪
Morphine!
♪ ♪
Control yourself, madam!
Damn it, man!
I need my sweet cherry dreams!
I need to waltz
with the white widow!
Don't you remember?
Don't you know the depths that
your addiction has taken you to?
You sucked
my [bleep], madam!
[gasps]
Madam, I cannot allow
such a proposition.
Unbutton!
Oh!
You sucked my [bleep].
I--
Mayor cutie
used to hate champagne,
But then I just didn't give
her water for two weeks,
And now she loves it.
I remember when mother
did that to me.
Speaking of mothers, I'd like
to to apologize for our mother.
You mean
when she urinated on me?
Think nothing of it.
These sorts of things happen.
Well, I just want to make sure
that you understand
That the bellacourts, except for
hortense, are a wonderful family
With high ethics
and christian values.
- Hi, frederick.
- Aah!
Beatrice.
♪ daddy wouldn't buy me
a bow-wow, bow-wow ♪
♪ I've got a little cat-- ♪
[meows]
♪ and I'm very fond of that-- ♪
[barking]
♪ but I'd rather
have a bow-wow-wow ♪
♪ daddy wouldn't buy me
a bow-wow ♪
- Beatrice.
- Remember this song?
Remember this song?
This was our song.
♪ daddy wouldn't buy me
a bow-wow ♪
Okay, that is quite enough
of that.
This is inappropriate
and highly erotic.
I am an engaged man.
Also,
she is your sister.
Yes, there is that
as well.
Fine!
[hip-hop music]
I hope that my sister
straddling my lap
Was not the worst thing
you have ever seen.
I assure you, it is not.
The worst thing I ever saw
Was an elephant
being hanged for no other reason
Than to amuse a large crowd
on a hot summer afternoon.
Oh, summer really
is the best time for a hanging.
Well, the beast
Was given large quantities
of ether prior to the execution.
Chains were placed
around its neck
To draw upon his windpipe
and choke him to death.
Well, as the derrick rose,
The beast
let out a terrific scream
From paralysis
of the spinal cord
and was dead within minutes.
There was blood
everywhere.
[giggles]
[laughing wildly]
[laughter]
Oh, well, I hope
you brought a picnic.
Tell me,
how much blood do you suppose
Could be drained
from an elephant?
I believe enough
for a canoe ride.
Can you imagine canoeing
on a lake of elephant blood?
I believe
it would be magical.
I believe it would be magical
as well.
Lillian, once upon a time,
I thought you were
a useless, unlovable, vile,
Tacky little thing.
But now I see
you are quite amusing.
Oh, celery, I've been wanting
to be your friend for 30 years,
And I'm only 27.
Today means the world to me.
I wanted to ask you
a little question.
Oh, garfieldella,
if it's a girl.
And, of course, peepers junior,
were we to have a son.
Not my question,
but I'm glad to know it.
I was wondering
if you had an extra key
To dodo's morphine cabinet.
I wanted to impress you and show
you how clean I can make it.
Why yes, of--of course,
as underbutler,
It is my privilege
to carry that key.
Can I borrow it?
It will only take an hour.
I'll make it shine.
Oh, I'm sorry, chair,
But it would be breaking one of
the cardinal rules of the house,
Letting a woman hold a key.
I know you can break
the rules.
I saw you try
the halibut.
Halibut is one thing,
but heroin is quite another.
Now, I don't expect you
to understand the difference,
But one is a drug,
and the other is fish.
Please?
You're such a big,
strong underbutler.
Romantic fraternization
between the staff
Is the ultimate
rule violation.
This is a terrible thing
to say
To the hopeful future mother
of my children,
But I am going to have
to report you.
I will never, ever forget
this moment.
Neither will I.
Sorry?
- No, nothing.
- Oh.
I thought I heard
you say, "neither will I."
No.
Right.
Well, off to report you.
Thank you
very much, again.
You've had quite an adventure
tonight, madam.
All that exercise
is bad for the uterus.
- Sir?
- What is it, chair?
I'm afraid I have a terribly
important issue to discuss.
What is it?
Have you counted
the towels recently?
I believe one is missing.
Madam, please excuse me
for a moment
While I tend to our guests.
It seems dumpling is not pleased
with our digestif selection.
Chair will continue
mopping your junkie sweats.
My lady, if you are in need of
just a touch of your morphine,
You need only ask.
Do you miss it?
What I miss
are the days
When if a servant
asked you a question,
You could have
their tongue cut out.
797, 798, 799.
I have counted these towels
13 times,
And each time
the number is 799.
Bellacourt manor
is an 800-towel estate.
Whomever stole the towel,
please step forward.
You'll be fired immediately,
no questions asked.
- Garfield.
- Hmm?
Garfield,
empty your breast.
Is that a towel I see?
Who?
This is towel?
Chair gave her to me.
And she kissed me.
[all snickering]
Enough!
It is stolen property!
Garfield leopold mcgillicutty,
You are hereby stripped of all
duties befitting an underbutler.
Please remove your uniform
And vacate the premises
immediately.
You may pick up the clothes
you wore when you arrived.
But when I came here,
I was six years old.
Yes, back
when I saw something in you,
Something
that reminded me of...
Servants, turn away.
Nicholas, bang the pot.
[metal clanks]
Dead man walking.
[metal clanks]
Slower, nick, slower.
[metal clanks]
[zipper opens]
Go, boy.
Go and find your way
in this wicked world.
[garfield crying]
[hip-hop music]
Well, I'm off to meet
and impress celery's family.
Thank you
for your hospitality, lillian.
Oh, if you're ever in need
of a plus-one
To an elephant hanging,
you know who to call.
I won't hesitate!
You know,
you may have strange sisters,
And your mother
is quite awful,
And your brother seems to have
an erotic relationship
To elephant death
and his own sister, but you...
I like you, lillian.
You throw one hell of a party.
Let's grab tea
or an aperitif this week.
Okay!
Well, the party
had some slight hiccups,
What with beatrice's
nervous-breakdown incest
Striptease, but in the end,
celery seemed really impressed.
What can I say?
I throw one hell of a party.
[barks]
♪ daddy wouldn't buy me
a bow-wow ♪
♪ daddy wouldn't buy me
a bow-wow ♪
♪ I've got a little cat,
I'm very fond of that ♪
(man)
next time on another period...
I will cherish this
forever!
(woman)
♪ you'll always be
my best friend ♪
♪ you'll always be ♪
♪ my best friend ♪
[gasps]
frederick!
Beatrice.
May I present miss celery savoy
and her bow-wow, dumpling.
And may I make
the further announcement
That we are engaged...
In...
A soon-to-be-married
agreement.
[dramatic music]
[laughing]
♪ ♪
Celery [bleep] savoy
Is the president
of the clambake club.
It is unbelievable that a sack
of stupid like frederick
Was able to pull
in a human diamond like celery.
It's like catching
a golden lobster
With a trap made of shit.
Welcome
to the family, celery!
Congratulations, frederick.
You've become another cog
in the great marriage industry.
Well, that is very generous
of you to say,
Especially since you will never
know the joy of human touch.
Pardon me, frederick.
I'm afraid
I may not have heard you.
Would you mind re-describing
the nature of your relationship
With celery?
Well,
it's like my freddy said.
We're to be married.
Oh, yes.
That's what I thought he said.
I was just a little distracted
by this buzzing in my head
And hot numbness covering
my body and time slowing down.
(dodo)
frederick!
Uh, uh, I...
I have the most tremendous urge
to make water.
- Oh.
- I-I can't--
[all gasp]
[urine trickling]
That's not
a toilet, mother!
That's my new best friend!
I'm sure I'm pleased
to make your acquaintance.
(man)
♪ I want the money,
I want the fame ♪
♪ I want the whole world
to know my name ♪
♪ this is mine,
I got to get it ♪
♪ I got to get it,
got, got to get it ♪
♪ another period ♪
Mother didn't just urinate
On our newest and most
important family member.
Peepers,
fetch the urine talcum.
She also urinated on
this family's social standing.
I need to do something
that will force celery
To take our family
seriously again--
Host a 17-course meal
in honor of her dog, dumpling.
Lady of the house present!
If any of you feel a cough
coming on
Or any sort
of facial dampness
Please refrain
from breathing.
The puppies
for your perusal, madam.
Aw, they're all so cute!
Uh, I'll take that one.
Oh, no, no,
um, that one.
Oh, I can't decide!
I'll take them all.
You'll be perfect
for my cape!
Stop trying to escape.
Was that as bad
as I believe it was?
No. Everyone mistakes an heiress
for a water closet
From time to time,
don't they?
I'm sure celery
counts herself lucky
To be peed on
by the great dodo bellacourt.
Oh, heavens,
why must my body fail me so?
In some asiatic cultures,
relieving oneself
On the guest is considered
a sign of respect.
Would the madam
like a syringe of the dog?
No. This drug use
simply will not do!
- No more!
- A little won't hurt.
She said, "no more!"
The lady said,
"no more."
You know I had no choice in the
matter of my upcoming marriage.
I'm a senator now,
so I must get engaged.
But I thought that meant
you were going to change the law
So we could marry?
My sweet, shivering tower
of aspic.
Senators
don't make the laws.
They just accept bribes
from corporations.
And until there's a corporation
that cares about siblings
Being allowed to marry,
there's nothing we can do.
I hate corporations!
And I hate celery.
If it makes you feel
any better, I hate her too.
She's smart, well traveled.
She laughs at all my jokes.
It's awkward.
[sighs]
Well, it's fine.
We're just gonna
have to be more careful
When we sneak out
for our lovemaking.
Oh, my sweet, shivering tower
of aspic,
Father said that now
that I'm a senator,
We must stop
our fornicating.
What?
But I love you!
[sighs]
beatrice.
Beatrice, please--
Please don't do this, frederick.
I love you.
- Please, please don't do this.
- Baby. Bea.
Please, frederick,
don't do this.
You're acting like a baby...
Like the baby
I first made love to.
But we--we can't.
We had to grow up sometime.
We can't stay babies forever.
Yes, we can.
I hope we can still be
brother and sister.
We can't stay
babies forever.
Now, remember, peepers,
No matter how cunningly
or forcefully
I ask you for morphine,
you are to deny me.
Yes, madam.
It is an order.
Do you understand?
Yes, madam.
- So may I have some morphine?
- Yes, madam.
That was a test.
You are not
to give me morphine.
Yes, madam.
May I please have
some morphine?
- Yes, madam.
- No! It should be, "no, madam!"
- Yes, madam.
- So, again...
Can I have some morphine?
- Yes, madam.
- No!
Don't you understand?
Saying yes to you
is my morphine.
I can stay a baby forever.
[lullaby music]
♪ ♪
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh! My lady,
those are snacking beets
Not beautification beets.
How do I look?
Is my lady quite sure
that she wants to rub a beet
Into her face?
Mm-hmm.
Quite sure.
And I'm not a lady.
I'm a baby.
I can stay
a baby forever.
I see, my la--my baby.
Well, I shall place
this here.
Do I need more?
No, I think that's perfect.
Maybe just a little more.
Mm-hmm.
(garfield)
this way. Oops.
- Through, go through!
- Garfield, what are you doing?
I'm about to forever-sleep
these puppies
- For miss lillian's cape.
- Oh, fun.
Just wondering, do you think it
strange that one of your duties
Is to kill puppies
for a woman's fashion?
Hmm. No, I never
thought of it that way.
Besides, it's not a cape
of puppies for miss lillian.
It's a cape
of puppies for mayor cutie.
Here, cape puppy!
[hip-hop music]
We begin with two soups--
one hot, one cold--
Followed
by pheasant under glass,
Succeeded by quails from egypt,
fattened in switzerland,
Their wings mutilated
by the king of siam's personal
- Wing mutilator...
- Yum.
After which rabbit ears,
Which have been chopped
into a salade with...
So how did you two meet?
Was it love at first sight?
How'd dumpling
get the name dumpling?
How'd you get the name celery?
Tell me everything.
Well, me and freddy
met through your mother.
No love yet,
but here's hoping.
Dumpling got his name
because he looks
Like he's filled with potatoes,
and I got the name celery
Because papa always said
I took more energy than I gave.
[gasps]
Father always tells me
I'm an energy-suck as well.
[laughs]
who knew we had
so much in common?
[glasses clink]
Our next course
is a halibut from maine,
Lovingly glazed in
an orange-cranberry mostarda.
I have an awkward question
for you, lillian.
Is that halibut
actually from maine?
Your butler, poopers, just said
it, but I assume he was japing.
Poopers, is that halibut
from maine?
I can almost smell the bearded
fisherman who caught it.
Get rid of that poison!
Garfield,
remove this atrocity at once!
I apologize
one thousand-fold.
You're quite handsome
when you throw out food
A dog has spit out.
Oh, thank you, chair.
Do you ever wonder
what it would be like to taste
One tiny, little bite?
I know I do,
but I'm not as brave as you.
Maybe you could try it
and tell me what it's like.
No, I could never!
It's an unpardonable offense
To eat that which is designated
for the upstairs.
I must throw it
in the garbage.
I'd love to see
just one small morsel
In your perfect
little mouth.
[scoffs]
Well, I...
Guess I could have
one little nibble.
Yes.
It's like
a flaky little cloud!
What did you say
this was called, again?
- Food.
- Well, if this is food,
Then I'm glad
to have tried it.
It makes working for gruel
that much more rewarding,
Knowing that real food is going
to its rightful place, upstairs.
Well, I surely enjoyed
watching you do it.
Well, then I am glad
to have danced with the fire.
[psychedelic music]
♪ ♪
Product of a rape.
A double product of a rape.
Now, you listen to me, girls,
especially you, frederick!
I've never told you this before,
but I love you.
♪ ♪
[grunting]
♪ ♪
Bananas flambé.
- [barks]
- [growling]
They don't like it.
Throw it away. Throw it away.
I'm so sorry.
Celery, I would like
to take this moment, if I may,
To present a gift
to our most esteemed guest.
Oh, lillian, you didn't have
to get me anything.
No, it's for dumpling.
Dumpling...
Please accept this gift
On behalf of the entire
bellacourt family.
(celery)
oh, what a heavenly necklace.
If only dumpling
liked wearing emeralds.
He's finicky,
but he really knows himself.
I admire that about him.
She's been acting this way
Ever since frederick
announced his engagement.
[whispering]
has she done this kind
of thing before?
Once. Frederick invited a
young duchess to the cotillion,
And beatrice buried herself
alive in the radish garden.
But this time
it seems serious.
[bell ringing]
- oh, it's kielbasa time.
I must be going.
I will leave this to you.
Well, I see miss beatrice
is dressed like a little girl.
Baby bea, if you please.
How long have
you been a baby?
Mm-mm-mm.
Was it since
someone hurt you?
And was that person
your brother, freddy?
[psychedelic music]
♪ ♪
Morphine!
♪ ♪
Control yourself, madam!
Damn it, man!
I need my sweet cherry dreams!
I need to waltz
with the white widow!
Don't you remember?
Don't you know the depths that
your addiction has taken you to?
You sucked
my [bleep], madam!
[gasps]
Madam, I cannot allow
such a proposition.
Unbutton!
Oh!
You sucked my [bleep].
I--
Mayor cutie
used to hate champagne,
But then I just didn't give
her water for two weeks,
And now she loves it.
I remember when mother
did that to me.
Speaking of mothers, I'd like
to to apologize for our mother.
You mean
when she urinated on me?
Think nothing of it.
These sorts of things happen.
Well, I just want to make sure
that you understand
That the bellacourts, except for
hortense, are a wonderful family
With high ethics
and christian values.
- Hi, frederick.
- Aah!
Beatrice.
♪ daddy wouldn't buy me
a bow-wow, bow-wow ♪
♪ I've got a little cat-- ♪
[meows]
♪ and I'm very fond of that-- ♪
[barking]
♪ but I'd rather
have a bow-wow-wow ♪
♪ daddy wouldn't buy me
a bow-wow ♪
- Beatrice.
- Remember this song?
Remember this song?
This was our song.
♪ daddy wouldn't buy me
a bow-wow ♪
Okay, that is quite enough
of that.
This is inappropriate
and highly erotic.
I am an engaged man.
Also,
she is your sister.
Yes, there is that
as well.
Fine!
[hip-hop music]
I hope that my sister
straddling my lap
Was not the worst thing
you have ever seen.
I assure you, it is not.
The worst thing I ever saw
Was an elephant
being hanged for no other reason
Than to amuse a large crowd
on a hot summer afternoon.
Oh, summer really
is the best time for a hanging.
Well, the beast
Was given large quantities
of ether prior to the execution.
Chains were placed
around its neck
To draw upon his windpipe
and choke him to death.
Well, as the derrick rose,
The beast
let out a terrific scream
From paralysis
of the spinal cord
and was dead within minutes.
There was blood
everywhere.
[giggles]
[laughing wildly]
[laughter]
Oh, well, I hope
you brought a picnic.
Tell me,
how much blood do you suppose
Could be drained
from an elephant?
I believe enough
for a canoe ride.
Can you imagine canoeing
on a lake of elephant blood?
I believe
it would be magical.
I believe it would be magical
as well.
Lillian, once upon a time,
I thought you were
a useless, unlovable, vile,
Tacky little thing.
But now I see
you are quite amusing.
Oh, celery, I've been wanting
to be your friend for 30 years,
And I'm only 27.
Today means the world to me.
I wanted to ask you
a little question.
Oh, garfieldella,
if it's a girl.
And, of course, peepers junior,
were we to have a son.
Not my question,
but I'm glad to know it.
I was wondering
if you had an extra key
To dodo's morphine cabinet.
I wanted to impress you and show
you how clean I can make it.
Why yes, of--of course,
as underbutler,
It is my privilege
to carry that key.
Can I borrow it?
It will only take an hour.
I'll make it shine.
Oh, I'm sorry, chair,
But it would be breaking one of
the cardinal rules of the house,
Letting a woman hold a key.
I know you can break
the rules.
I saw you try
the halibut.
Halibut is one thing,
but heroin is quite another.
Now, I don't expect you
to understand the difference,
But one is a drug,
and the other is fish.
Please?
You're such a big,
strong underbutler.
Romantic fraternization
between the staff
Is the ultimate
rule violation.
This is a terrible thing
to say
To the hopeful future mother
of my children,
But I am going to have
to report you.
I will never, ever forget
this moment.
Neither will I.
Sorry?
- No, nothing.
- Oh.
I thought I heard
you say, "neither will I."
No.
Right.
Well, off to report you.
Thank you
very much, again.
You've had quite an adventure
tonight, madam.
All that exercise
is bad for the uterus.
- Sir?
- What is it, chair?
I'm afraid I have a terribly
important issue to discuss.
What is it?
Have you counted
the towels recently?
I believe one is missing.
Madam, please excuse me
for a moment
While I tend to our guests.
It seems dumpling is not pleased
with our digestif selection.
Chair will continue
mopping your junkie sweats.
My lady, if you are in need of
just a touch of your morphine,
You need only ask.
Do you miss it?
What I miss
are the days
When if a servant
asked you a question,
You could have
their tongue cut out.
797, 798, 799.
I have counted these towels
13 times,
And each time
the number is 799.
Bellacourt manor
is an 800-towel estate.
Whomever stole the towel,
please step forward.
You'll be fired immediately,
no questions asked.
- Garfield.
- Hmm?
Garfield,
empty your breast.
Is that a towel I see?
Who?
This is towel?
Chair gave her to me.
And she kissed me.
[all snickering]
Enough!
It is stolen property!
Garfield leopold mcgillicutty,
You are hereby stripped of all
duties befitting an underbutler.
Please remove your uniform
And vacate the premises
immediately.
You may pick up the clothes
you wore when you arrived.
But when I came here,
I was six years old.
Yes, back
when I saw something in you,
Something
that reminded me of...
Servants, turn away.
Nicholas, bang the pot.
[metal clanks]
Dead man walking.
[metal clanks]
Slower, nick, slower.
[metal clanks]
[zipper opens]
Go, boy.
Go and find your way
in this wicked world.
[garfield crying]
[hip-hop music]
Well, I'm off to meet
and impress celery's family.
Thank you
for your hospitality, lillian.
Oh, if you're ever in need
of a plus-one
To an elephant hanging,
you know who to call.
I won't hesitate!
You know,
you may have strange sisters,
And your mother
is quite awful,
And your brother seems to have
an erotic relationship
To elephant death
and his own sister, but you...
I like you, lillian.
You throw one hell of a party.
Let's grab tea
or an aperitif this week.
Okay!
Well, the party
had some slight hiccups,
What with beatrice's
nervous-breakdown incest
Striptease, but in the end,
celery seemed really impressed.
What can I say?
I throw one hell of a party.
[barks]
♪ daddy wouldn't buy me
a bow-wow ♪
♪ daddy wouldn't buy me
a bow-wow ♪
♪ I've got a little cat,
I'm very fond of that ♪
(man)
next time on another period...
I will cherish this
forever!
(woman)
♪ you'll always be
my best friend ♪
♪ you'll always be ♪
♪ my best friend ♪