Another Period (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Lillian's Birthday - full transcript
It's Lillian's birthday. Peepers has organized her birthday parties since before Lillian was born to the Bellacourt's exacting standards. This year, however, Peepers comes down with a malady in the middle of the party, the prognosis which is not good either for him or the party. A question is whether the Bellacourts will do whatever required to save Peepers. Lillian receives a surprise guest for the party, namely her first fiancé, Charles Ponzi, who left her at the altar, and who she has not seen since. Lillian still has a soft spot "down there" for Charles, who comes both with his servant boy, Tabu, who has his own soft spot for someone in the manor, and an interesting investment scheme. And Hortense, who always had been told that she was barren, learns that she is not. She has to decide how best to handle her delicate situation.
[jaunty string music]
_
Today is my birthday.
[screaming]
I love September 11th.
Thank you.
Oh, Chair, this must
be so exciting for you.
It's your first
Lillian's birthday.
Why aren't these diamonds
inside the piñata?
You're asleep
at the switch of danger.
Now hurry, before--
[coughing]
[hacking]
[groans]
[coughing continues]
Here we go.
[laughs]
I said I wanted a gold pony,
and the one you gave me
is only painted gold.
Yes, dear, we tried to dip
the pony in molten gold,
but it put up
such a terrible fight.
I cannot believe this
is how I'm being treated
by my own family on my...
birthday!
Ugh!
[screams]
[crying]
You're ruining my life!
(Peepers) Ever since Lillian first
began her womanly bleeding,
her birthday has been
a menagerie of horrors.
I said a gold pony!
Gah!
[screams]
[gunshot]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
Hello, Wiener.
Daddy's home.
[hip-hop music]
[cork pops]
[laughter]
(Victor)
When I saw that pile
of human excrement
Charles Ponzi,
I retired to the sanctity
of my bedroom.
How dare she bring another man
into this house?
I refuse to be scandalized.
Tabu, dispense the gifts while
I give a rousing amends speech.
(Ponzi)
This little fellow's Tabu.
Won him in a game of Kariki.
One of the cuter brownies,
if I do say so myself.
I love this.
I'm going to name it Frederick.
Ponzi left my sister
at the altar when she was 12.
He's a selfish jerk,
and that's the total opposite
of Lillian.
My darling Lillian.
There was no excuse for me
leaving you at the altar,
nor for me banging
that hermaphrodite
in my dressing chambers.
I was-- I was a mess.
Don't think I knew
about that last part.
Don't worry,
you're much prettier.
Whoa-ho-ho!
I am so sorry, everyone.
Tabu...
Who told you it was okay
for air to pass through
your lips and vocal cords?
Nobody.
Nobody, no.
Now go get the servant gift.
Go!
It's a Puffing Billy,
for your servants.
New technology,
sucks the dust right up.
Tick-tock,
the time has come.
Open your gift,
my fat, little Wiener.
It's the jewel
of the seven snakes.
They say every time
you touch it,
a village somewhere
in the world
is afflicted
with a flesh-eating disease.
(Lillian)
Oh, how charming!
Oh, Charles, I've always
wanted a cursed jewel,
ever since I saw
that blood-soaked opal in...
(both)
Morocco.
What a summer that was.
I was 11,
the height of a woman's
sexual peak.
Never before had I seen
so much art
or had so much humping.
To this day,
I still can't look at an African
without tasting Ponzi's semen.
(Dodo)
Peepers, more champagne.
Yes.
[all shouting]
Excuse me.
Oh, the shame.
(Dodo) Where are you going?
Your break isn't until March.
I remember when we had
to put our butler down.
[groaning]
Miss Hortense,
I don't mean to be meddlesome,
but your menstruation cup
is empty.
Oh?
Either you've hit
menopause early
or you're up the duff.
[laughs]
That's not possible.
I'm barren.
How do you know you're barren?
My sisters have yelled it
at me since I was eight.
I've had my fingers
in a lot of women,
and I know a pregnant vagina
when I feel it.
No!
Oh, this is awful.
I mean, I was the barren one.
It's what made me special.
It's my thing!
Don't you see?
This is a blessing.
You can say good-bye
to your friends,
your dream to be a writer,
and simply stay home
and wipe dirt
off your baby's butt.
I must go.
The grouse liver
won't deworm itself.
Wait.
There must be something
I can do.
There is an old folk remedy
called "throw yourself
down the stairs,"
but it gets a bit messy.
Lucky for you,
I know someone who helps
girls in this situation.
Really?
[clattering]
Peepers!
Sweet Peepers!
Somebody call the doctor!
No, no doctors!
Garfield, go into my room.
Look under my bed...
Yes.
And find my iron lung.
- Yes.
- Go.
- Ow.
- Go.
Yes!
(Peepers)
Get the sherry glasses ready.
Rearrange the tinctures.
Refill the night biscuits.
Wait, stop.
My God.
I've never seen the house
from this angle.
We need to begin a whole new
dusting regimen.
Oh, there you are.
I've been very concerned.
Thank you, madam.
I'm feeling much better.
(Dodo)
About dessert.
You remember the last time
Lillian's birthday cake
was wrong.
Frederick Douglass died.
Yes.
Yes, madam.
[hip-hop music]
What are you doing here?
You know I'm a married woman.
I don't give a crap
about some ring
that some chump bought you.
I had an epiphany
the other day.
It was a vision of the future.
I was standing on
a giant mountain of money,
and you were by my side.
And beautiful rays
of godly light
were shooting out
of all your holes.
- All my holes?
- All your holes.
I own 12 houses
in 12 countries.
The only thing I don't own
is the woman I love.
[gasps]
Romance powder!
[sniffing]
[exhales]
Oh, Charles.
You always knew how
to get my defenses down.
[sniffing]
I'm the only man
who will ever truly love you.
And I'm definitely
the only man...
who knows how
to do this to you.
[gasping, moaning]
I feel like I'm 11 again!
No, you don't.
(Peepers) I want those vegetables
julienned for the crudités.
Where is that aspic?
Is it chilled?
Is it chilled?
[spits]
Too much salt!
Or is it sugar?
I can't tell anymore.
Everything tastes
like burnt toast points.
(Garfield)
Oh, you must stop working,
I beg of you.
Boy, I've been in charge
of Lillian's birthday
since before she was born.
Peepers...
no, you can't leave us.
- Peepers, no, please.
- Blanche, Blanche?
- Yes.
- Where are you, Blanche?
- Yes, I'm here.
- Blanche, I can't see you.
- I'm right here.
- Blanche, come closer.
- I'm right here.
- Blanche, I asked for you
to come closer, damn it.
I can't see you.
- Just talk to me.
- Blanche.
I need you to chiffon
the great turtle.
- What?
- [gasps]
[speaking Iroquois]
Father, I'm coming to see you.
[gasps]
Peepers?
Peepers.
(Garfield)
Peepers!
To hell with all this!
Blanche, go call Dr. Goldberg!
Yes.
Everyone, this cake
has too much sugar!
And fix this... pie!
Let's go!
What are you
lollygagging around for?
Make some balloon animals!
It's Lillian's birthday!
Hey, pretty lady.
Why'd you leave the party?
I don't talk
to my own children.
Why would I talk to you?
You don't like my master
very much, do you?
I have something that can
take your mind off it.
Delicacy from my homeland.
Ew, I don't eat green food.
Not food.
Drug.
Oh, so I just chew it?
Mm-hmm.
You are very pretty
when you chew khat.
Oh, thank you.
- Have you ever heard of Reiki?
- Uh-uh.
That's when I touch you
all over
without touching you at all.
- May I?
- Mm-hmm.
[mystical sitar music]
♪ ♪
Oh, I'm seeing someone, sorry.
Oh!
- What?
- I didn't realize.
Am I interrupting?
No, no.
How can--
how can I help?
There is an emergency
downstairs.
Okay, yes.
Let's go downstairs.
I don't know
how to tell you this.
It may be time
for Peepers to go
to that great servant's
quarters in the sky.
He won't see sunrise.
We can't give up,
we just can't!
We've come to the limits
of what Western medicine can do.
The only thing that can save him
at this point is love.
Sit.
That's a good boy.
Now up, up, up, up.
Now beg.
Beg.
I would really like
that morsel.
It would temporarily
end this bout of starvation.
Please, I beg of you.
Good boy!
[laughter and applause]
Oh, you've trained him.
Ooh, what is wrong
with this cake?
This is triple berry cake.
Lillian always has
quadruple berry cake
on her birthday.
[gagging]
[muffled] Oh, my God, Lillian!
That's so gross!
[gagging, hacking]
Lillian!
[gagging]
Oh, Lillian, this must be
a nightmare for you.
Oh, relax, everyone, would you?
It's just a birthday cake.
What are we, children?
(Dodo) I'd recognize that
breezy tune anywhere.
Seems as though someone
just got fingered.
[laughs]
What is it, Garfield?
Yes.
I was wondering if maybe...
we would go downstairs
and say something nice
to Peepers.
He needs love.
What in the hell of all shits
are you blathering on about?
(Beatrice) The servants'
quarters on Lillian's birthday?
I don't think so.
You are this close to losing
your ball-washing
privileges.
I--
- Shoo!
- Yes.
What a great family.
You know what?
I wasn't gonna mention this,
but I have a very lucrative,
no-fail investment
opportunity
that I think you all
might be interested in.
[upbeat folk music]
So... what can be done?
You mean about the bush
or the baby?
[laughs]
I'm just ribbing you.
Well, it depends
what package you want--
the silver, the platinum,
or the platinum plus.
What's the difference?
Ah, they're really
about the same,
except with the platinum plus
I knock you out
with a bag of flour
and wake you up with a hug.
Either way, we're going
to be using this.
Oh, uh...
I can't do this.
Thank you all the same.
The deposit's nonrefundable!
And then those people
get six people to invest,
on top of the other people
who got six people to invest.
And you see,
it works on itself,
and it's flawless.
And I want you all in
on the ground floor.
Well, I think
it sounds brilliant.
Sounds perfectly reasonable
to me.
Let's give him
the entire family fortune.
(Beatrice)
No, it's impossible.
If six people get
six more to invest,
and those six get six more,
by the 12th level
in the down line,
in this case expressed
as 6 to the 12th power,
it would require
more than 2 billion participants
to sustain itself.
It's like one
of those pointy circles.
Like, what are those called?
The circles with the points,
where the mummies live?
What is that called?
Mummies are dead, dummy!
They don't live anywhere.
And I won't sit here
and have my integrity
impugned by a woman,
especially a woman
who doesn't understand
the nuances of a pyramid scheme!
And I invented it,
and I'm pretty sure it works!
Tabu and I are out of here!
Come on!
[claps twice]
Actually, we don't have
anywhere to stay tonight,
and it's a very large manor.
(Dodo) Mr. Ponzi, you may
take the mauve room,
and Tabu may take
the manure stack.
Oh, it's so obvious
what you're doing!
You just can't stand
to see me less unhappy.
He's a liar, Lillian,
and you're an idiot
for believing him.
Oh, I'm an idiot?
You argue with your reflection.
She's mean sometimes!
Well, your eyes are
so spaced apart,
you look like a hippo
in a dress.
You're only pretty
in Massachusetts!
[gasps]
That's the worst thing
you could ever say to a woman.
And I'm rising above it.
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
Thank goodness
that's over with.
You have terrible taste in men.
[jaunty ragtime music plays]
♪ my instincts, they kick in ♪
♪ my grand facade,
soon wilting ♪
♪ without my pride, I begin ♪
♪ to reach out to ya
from within me ♪
♪ baby, in your eyes ♪
♪ I see the moon in your eyes ♪
♪ darling, in your eyes
I want to swoon ♪
♪ in your eyes ♪
Oh, you've got to be joshing!
♪ that nobody else can beat ♪
[music slows to stop]
[music continues]
♪ in your eyes, in your eyes ♪
Ah!
Our song!
You remembered.
Run away with me, right now.
I'll make you a princess.
I'll have Tabu sacrificing
yaks in your name.
What about my loveless marriage
and eight non-sons?
They call them daughters
now, Wiener.
It's a whole new world.
We've got to leave
all that behind.
But how can I trust you?
I can't get hurt again.
It takes two people
to leave someone.
You're right.
I'm sorry you left me.
I might be able
to forgive you one day,
if you pledge
your love, vagina,
oh, and one more thing,
a firm guarantee that
your family will invest.
To the love, yes,
and to the vagina, yes.
But to the investing,
you might have
to speak with Papa.
I don't want to make Papa
a princess.
I can't do this.
It was a mistake to come here
in the first place.
Good-bye, Lillian.
Well, there's always
Daddy's war bonds.
He keeps them upstairs
in his bottom
right-hand desk drawer.
But it's not much,
only a million dollars.
That's my Wiener.
My beautiful, beautiful Wiener!
Goddamn, I love
my gorgeous Wiener!
I'll grab Tabu and the bonds.
You go get your things.
Meet me back here
in 20 minutes.
Let's make it 30, to be safe.
(Garfield, high-pitched)
Hello, Peepers.
It's Dodo...
and the whole Bellacourt family.
Peepers, you are the best
butler we ever had.
(Garfield)
We love you.
I love you.
[smooches]
[gasps]
Oh, Peepers.
You're home.
(Peepers)
Dodo...
Oh... oh...
Oh, my special boy is awake.
Dodo, Dodo...
Dodo...
Dodo...
- Dodo.
- Blanche?
(Garfield)
Blanche!
[knock at door]
Garfield, set the lubrication
by the furnace.
No, it's me, Lillian.
What do you want?
I'm busy.
Well, I wanted to say
I'm not sorry,
and I'm running away
with Ponzi.
No, Lillian, don't do it.
I know he's handsome,
and he's thoughtful,
and he could surely
make you happier
than you are here, but...
I can't think of a "but."
You should go.
Great.
I'm happy for you.
- Go!
- I will!
[whimsical music]
♪
He's not coming back.
Oh, he's coming back.
- No, he's not.
- Yes, he is.
(Tabu)
No, he's not.
He's not coming back.
(Tabu) You are probably
asking yourself,
why did I do this?
You see, Ponzi was my tormentor.
But then I saw
what a good human was
when I looked into
your giant, vacant eyes,
when I felt the magnetic field
around your perfect breast.
I am ready to give
my life to you.
Whatever you may need,
whether it be
a cold glass of limeade
or the taking of a man's life,
I am yours,
forever.
And you too, Wiener.
No, thank you.
Thank you, though.
[door shuts]
[gentle music]
♪
[machine whirring]
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
Lady Dodo,
I wanted to take
this opportunity
to thank you.
For what?
Oh, you know...
for helping me.
I haven't got the faintest idea
what you're talking about.
Ha, yes, of course.
Must keep up appearances.
Is this some form of palsy?
[chuckles]
You're two seconds
from being fired.
Of course, Lady Dodo.
Garfield!
Are you on a vacation?
Are we under a coconut fire?
No, no,
I was just--
You're just a vile,
useless walking fern.
Now, get to work
before I return you
to the orphanage
I selected you from
20 years ago.
Yes.
[gentle music]
♪
[machine whirring, gurgling]
[screams]
[machine gurgling]
_
Today is my birthday.
[screaming]
I love September 11th.
Thank you.
Oh, Chair, this must
be so exciting for you.
It's your first
Lillian's birthday.
Why aren't these diamonds
inside the piñata?
You're asleep
at the switch of danger.
Now hurry, before--
[coughing]
[hacking]
[groans]
[coughing continues]
Here we go.
[laughs]
I said I wanted a gold pony,
and the one you gave me
is only painted gold.
Yes, dear, we tried to dip
the pony in molten gold,
but it put up
such a terrible fight.
I cannot believe this
is how I'm being treated
by my own family on my...
birthday!
Ugh!
[screams]
[crying]
You're ruining my life!
(Peepers) Ever since Lillian first
began her womanly bleeding,
her birthday has been
a menagerie of horrors.
I said a gold pony!
Gah!
[screams]
[gunshot]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
Hello, Wiener.
Daddy's home.
[hip-hop music]
[cork pops]
[laughter]
(Victor)
When I saw that pile
of human excrement
Charles Ponzi,
I retired to the sanctity
of my bedroom.
How dare she bring another man
into this house?
I refuse to be scandalized.
Tabu, dispense the gifts while
I give a rousing amends speech.
(Ponzi)
This little fellow's Tabu.
Won him in a game of Kariki.
One of the cuter brownies,
if I do say so myself.
I love this.
I'm going to name it Frederick.
Ponzi left my sister
at the altar when she was 12.
He's a selfish jerk,
and that's the total opposite
of Lillian.
My darling Lillian.
There was no excuse for me
leaving you at the altar,
nor for me banging
that hermaphrodite
in my dressing chambers.
I was-- I was a mess.
Don't think I knew
about that last part.
Don't worry,
you're much prettier.
Whoa-ho-ho!
I am so sorry, everyone.
Tabu...
Who told you it was okay
for air to pass through
your lips and vocal cords?
Nobody.
Nobody, no.
Now go get the servant gift.
Go!
It's a Puffing Billy,
for your servants.
New technology,
sucks the dust right up.
Tick-tock,
the time has come.
Open your gift,
my fat, little Wiener.
It's the jewel
of the seven snakes.
They say every time
you touch it,
a village somewhere
in the world
is afflicted
with a flesh-eating disease.
(Lillian)
Oh, how charming!
Oh, Charles, I've always
wanted a cursed jewel,
ever since I saw
that blood-soaked opal in...
(both)
Morocco.
What a summer that was.
I was 11,
the height of a woman's
sexual peak.
Never before had I seen
so much art
or had so much humping.
To this day,
I still can't look at an African
without tasting Ponzi's semen.
(Dodo)
Peepers, more champagne.
Yes.
[all shouting]
Excuse me.
Oh, the shame.
(Dodo) Where are you going?
Your break isn't until March.
I remember when we had
to put our butler down.
[groaning]
Miss Hortense,
I don't mean to be meddlesome,
but your menstruation cup
is empty.
Oh?
Either you've hit
menopause early
or you're up the duff.
[laughs]
That's not possible.
I'm barren.
How do you know you're barren?
My sisters have yelled it
at me since I was eight.
I've had my fingers
in a lot of women,
and I know a pregnant vagina
when I feel it.
No!
Oh, this is awful.
I mean, I was the barren one.
It's what made me special.
It's my thing!
Don't you see?
This is a blessing.
You can say good-bye
to your friends,
your dream to be a writer,
and simply stay home
and wipe dirt
off your baby's butt.
I must go.
The grouse liver
won't deworm itself.
Wait.
There must be something
I can do.
There is an old folk remedy
called "throw yourself
down the stairs,"
but it gets a bit messy.
Lucky for you,
I know someone who helps
girls in this situation.
Really?
[clattering]
Peepers!
Sweet Peepers!
Somebody call the doctor!
No, no doctors!
Garfield, go into my room.
Look under my bed...
Yes.
And find my iron lung.
- Yes.
- Go.
- Ow.
- Go.
Yes!
(Peepers)
Get the sherry glasses ready.
Rearrange the tinctures.
Refill the night biscuits.
Wait, stop.
My God.
I've never seen the house
from this angle.
We need to begin a whole new
dusting regimen.
Oh, there you are.
I've been very concerned.
Thank you, madam.
I'm feeling much better.
(Dodo)
About dessert.
You remember the last time
Lillian's birthday cake
was wrong.
Frederick Douglass died.
Yes.
Yes, madam.
[hip-hop music]
What are you doing here?
You know I'm a married woman.
I don't give a crap
about some ring
that some chump bought you.
I had an epiphany
the other day.
It was a vision of the future.
I was standing on
a giant mountain of money,
and you were by my side.
And beautiful rays
of godly light
were shooting out
of all your holes.
- All my holes?
- All your holes.
I own 12 houses
in 12 countries.
The only thing I don't own
is the woman I love.
[gasps]
Romance powder!
[sniffing]
[exhales]
Oh, Charles.
You always knew how
to get my defenses down.
[sniffing]
I'm the only man
who will ever truly love you.
And I'm definitely
the only man...
who knows how
to do this to you.
[gasping, moaning]
I feel like I'm 11 again!
No, you don't.
(Peepers) I want those vegetables
julienned for the crudités.
Where is that aspic?
Is it chilled?
Is it chilled?
[spits]
Too much salt!
Or is it sugar?
I can't tell anymore.
Everything tastes
like burnt toast points.
(Garfield)
Oh, you must stop working,
I beg of you.
Boy, I've been in charge
of Lillian's birthday
since before she was born.
Peepers...
no, you can't leave us.
- Peepers, no, please.
- Blanche, Blanche?
- Yes.
- Where are you, Blanche?
- Yes, I'm here.
- Blanche, I can't see you.
- I'm right here.
- Blanche, come closer.
- I'm right here.
- Blanche, I asked for you
to come closer, damn it.
I can't see you.
- Just talk to me.
- Blanche.
I need you to chiffon
the great turtle.
- What?
- [gasps]
[speaking Iroquois]
Father, I'm coming to see you.
[gasps]
Peepers?
Peepers.
(Garfield)
Peepers!
To hell with all this!
Blanche, go call Dr. Goldberg!
Yes.
Everyone, this cake
has too much sugar!
And fix this... pie!
Let's go!
What are you
lollygagging around for?
Make some balloon animals!
It's Lillian's birthday!
Hey, pretty lady.
Why'd you leave the party?
I don't talk
to my own children.
Why would I talk to you?
You don't like my master
very much, do you?
I have something that can
take your mind off it.
Delicacy from my homeland.
Ew, I don't eat green food.
Not food.
Drug.
Oh, so I just chew it?
Mm-hmm.
You are very pretty
when you chew khat.
Oh, thank you.
- Have you ever heard of Reiki?
- Uh-uh.
That's when I touch you
all over
without touching you at all.
- May I?
- Mm-hmm.
[mystical sitar music]
♪ ♪
Oh, I'm seeing someone, sorry.
Oh!
- What?
- I didn't realize.
Am I interrupting?
No, no.
How can--
how can I help?
There is an emergency
downstairs.
Okay, yes.
Let's go downstairs.
I don't know
how to tell you this.
It may be time
for Peepers to go
to that great servant's
quarters in the sky.
He won't see sunrise.
We can't give up,
we just can't!
We've come to the limits
of what Western medicine can do.
The only thing that can save him
at this point is love.
Sit.
That's a good boy.
Now up, up, up, up.
Now beg.
Beg.
I would really like
that morsel.
It would temporarily
end this bout of starvation.
Please, I beg of you.
Good boy!
[laughter and applause]
Oh, you've trained him.
Ooh, what is wrong
with this cake?
This is triple berry cake.
Lillian always has
quadruple berry cake
on her birthday.
[gagging]
[muffled] Oh, my God, Lillian!
That's so gross!
[gagging, hacking]
Lillian!
[gagging]
Oh, Lillian, this must be
a nightmare for you.
Oh, relax, everyone, would you?
It's just a birthday cake.
What are we, children?
(Dodo) I'd recognize that
breezy tune anywhere.
Seems as though someone
just got fingered.
[laughs]
What is it, Garfield?
Yes.
I was wondering if maybe...
we would go downstairs
and say something nice
to Peepers.
He needs love.
What in the hell of all shits
are you blathering on about?
(Beatrice) The servants'
quarters on Lillian's birthday?
I don't think so.
You are this close to losing
your ball-washing
privileges.
I--
- Shoo!
- Yes.
What a great family.
You know what?
I wasn't gonna mention this,
but I have a very lucrative,
no-fail investment
opportunity
that I think you all
might be interested in.
[upbeat folk music]
So... what can be done?
You mean about the bush
or the baby?
[laughs]
I'm just ribbing you.
Well, it depends
what package you want--
the silver, the platinum,
or the platinum plus.
What's the difference?
Ah, they're really
about the same,
except with the platinum plus
I knock you out
with a bag of flour
and wake you up with a hug.
Either way, we're going
to be using this.
Oh, uh...
I can't do this.
Thank you all the same.
The deposit's nonrefundable!
And then those people
get six people to invest,
on top of the other people
who got six people to invest.
And you see,
it works on itself,
and it's flawless.
And I want you all in
on the ground floor.
Well, I think
it sounds brilliant.
Sounds perfectly reasonable
to me.
Let's give him
the entire family fortune.
(Beatrice)
No, it's impossible.
If six people get
six more to invest,
and those six get six more,
by the 12th level
in the down line,
in this case expressed
as 6 to the 12th power,
it would require
more than 2 billion participants
to sustain itself.
It's like one
of those pointy circles.
Like, what are those called?
The circles with the points,
where the mummies live?
What is that called?
Mummies are dead, dummy!
They don't live anywhere.
And I won't sit here
and have my integrity
impugned by a woman,
especially a woman
who doesn't understand
the nuances of a pyramid scheme!
And I invented it,
and I'm pretty sure it works!
Tabu and I are out of here!
Come on!
[claps twice]
Actually, we don't have
anywhere to stay tonight,
and it's a very large manor.
(Dodo) Mr. Ponzi, you may
take the mauve room,
and Tabu may take
the manure stack.
Oh, it's so obvious
what you're doing!
You just can't stand
to see me less unhappy.
He's a liar, Lillian,
and you're an idiot
for believing him.
Oh, I'm an idiot?
You argue with your reflection.
She's mean sometimes!
Well, your eyes are
so spaced apart,
you look like a hippo
in a dress.
You're only pretty
in Massachusetts!
[gasps]
That's the worst thing
you could ever say to a woman.
And I'm rising above it.
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
Thank goodness
that's over with.
You have terrible taste in men.
[jaunty ragtime music plays]
♪ my instincts, they kick in ♪
♪ my grand facade,
soon wilting ♪
♪ without my pride, I begin ♪
♪ to reach out to ya
from within me ♪
♪ baby, in your eyes ♪
♪ I see the moon in your eyes ♪
♪ darling, in your eyes
I want to swoon ♪
♪ in your eyes ♪
Oh, you've got to be joshing!
♪ that nobody else can beat ♪
[music slows to stop]
[music continues]
♪ in your eyes, in your eyes ♪
Ah!
Our song!
You remembered.
Run away with me, right now.
I'll make you a princess.
I'll have Tabu sacrificing
yaks in your name.
What about my loveless marriage
and eight non-sons?
They call them daughters
now, Wiener.
It's a whole new world.
We've got to leave
all that behind.
But how can I trust you?
I can't get hurt again.
It takes two people
to leave someone.
You're right.
I'm sorry you left me.
I might be able
to forgive you one day,
if you pledge
your love, vagina,
oh, and one more thing,
a firm guarantee that
your family will invest.
To the love, yes,
and to the vagina, yes.
But to the investing,
you might have
to speak with Papa.
I don't want to make Papa
a princess.
I can't do this.
It was a mistake to come here
in the first place.
Good-bye, Lillian.
Well, there's always
Daddy's war bonds.
He keeps them upstairs
in his bottom
right-hand desk drawer.
But it's not much,
only a million dollars.
That's my Wiener.
My beautiful, beautiful Wiener!
Goddamn, I love
my gorgeous Wiener!
I'll grab Tabu and the bonds.
You go get your things.
Meet me back here
in 20 minutes.
Let's make it 30, to be safe.
(Garfield, high-pitched)
Hello, Peepers.
It's Dodo...
and the whole Bellacourt family.
Peepers, you are the best
butler we ever had.
(Garfield)
We love you.
I love you.
[smooches]
[gasps]
Oh, Peepers.
You're home.
(Peepers)
Dodo...
Oh... oh...
Oh, my special boy is awake.
Dodo, Dodo...
Dodo...
Dodo...
- Dodo.
- Blanche?
(Garfield)
Blanche!
[knock at door]
Garfield, set the lubrication
by the furnace.
No, it's me, Lillian.
What do you want?
I'm busy.
Well, I wanted to say
I'm not sorry,
and I'm running away
with Ponzi.
No, Lillian, don't do it.
I know he's handsome,
and he's thoughtful,
and he could surely
make you happier
than you are here, but...
I can't think of a "but."
You should go.
Great.
I'm happy for you.
- Go!
- I will!
[whimsical music]
♪
He's not coming back.
Oh, he's coming back.
- No, he's not.
- Yes, he is.
(Tabu)
No, he's not.
He's not coming back.
(Tabu) You are probably
asking yourself,
why did I do this?
You see, Ponzi was my tormentor.
But then I saw
what a good human was
when I looked into
your giant, vacant eyes,
when I felt the magnetic field
around your perfect breast.
I am ready to give
my life to you.
Whatever you may need,
whether it be
a cold glass of limeade
or the taking of a man's life,
I am yours,
forever.
And you too, Wiener.
No, thank you.
Thank you, though.
[door shuts]
[gentle music]
♪
[machine whirring]
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
Lady Dodo,
I wanted to take
this opportunity
to thank you.
For what?
Oh, you know...
for helping me.
I haven't got the faintest idea
what you're talking about.
Ha, yes, of course.
Must keep up appearances.
Is this some form of palsy?
[chuckles]
You're two seconds
from being fired.
Of course, Lady Dodo.
Garfield!
Are you on a vacation?
Are we under a coconut fire?
No, no,
I was just--
You're just a vile,
useless walking fern.
Now, get to work
before I return you
to the orphanage
I selected you from
20 years ago.
Yes.
[gentle music]
♪
[machine whirring, gurgling]
[screams]
[machine gurgling]