Animal Control (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

If you're gonna
make me pick you up,

I expect coffee.

There'll be one waiting
for you tomorrow.

Any other requests?

Yeah. Get your car fixed.

I'm gonna win you over,
bro. It's gonna happen.

Calling me "bro" shows the
depth of your miscalculation.

Truck 12.

Report of a small animal in
the attic at 187 South Kenzie.

Truck 12 responding.

Four play dates, a
Spiderman birthday party,



two trips to urgent care...
and my parents are in town.

Let's just go ahead and say
that they have opinions.

How was your weekend?

- Yeah, pretty good.
- Mmhmm.

I went to a club. There
were definitely drugs.

I woke up naked on some
boat near Whitby Island.

What about the other
people on the boat?

Also naked, yeah.

Right.

Look, it's not personal.

I'm just a lone
wolf type of guy.

All last year I had no
partner and it was... heaven.

And this is so much worse.

So, I guess it is personal.



- Hey.
- Mmhmm.

I'm thinking of getting a puppy.

Look at her, Little Mabel.

Why would you do that?

You have all the
freedom in the world.

Yeah, but I envy you sometimes.

I live alone.

It might be nice to
have a dog around.

Well, I have two. You
could just have one.

One of them's incontinent

for that extra feeling of
agonizing responsibility.

If that's what
you're looking for.

Maybe I'll just get a bird.

Get a bird. Get a bird.

Alright. You wait here.

There's a good coffee
place up the block.

Rookie always pays.

Oh. Yeah. Hazing
recognized and accepted.

So I'll take a cara...

What's up?

Are you coming in?

Oh yeah, for sure. It's just...
just gonna be one minute.

I think my partner
will be right back.

I don't have a minute.

It's my 10th anniversary and I
surprised my wife with brunch

and whatever's up there
is killing the mood.

Whew!

Listen, man. It's
my first week.

I should really wait for
backup. You know what I mean?

Come on. My wife's
libido is very delicate.

Help a guy out.

Yeah, so my name's Fred
but everyone calls me Shred

'cause I used to be a
professional snowboarder,

mostly half-pipe, a couple
silvers at Nationals.

And then I tore my ACL.

How long is this gonna take?

Not long at all.

If I had to guess...

it's probably just a
sweet little guy who...

My eye! Your walkie
went into my eye!

I'm sorry, it's just...

-The teeth, it's like a
tiny... furry vampire.

I underestimated...

Under... under the ottoman.

Okay. Everyone stay calm.

I got this.

It's okay weasel...
or whatever you are.

We're gonna take you to the
coolest park in the city

and these people
are gonna celebrate.

Dude! Dude!

Bad choice.

What do we do?

Oh, little buddy.

I got this.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Oh, come on!

Go, go! Right here!

We're not catching a break here.

Ohhhh! It's under
the stuffed couch!

You gotta be kidding me.

Okay. Don't worry. I
got this. I got it.

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I made muffins.

Uh-oh. You want something.

What? No. Do you
guys think I do that?

Like I only bake when
I want something?

Aw, these muffs are
fresh out of the oven.

This is gonna be horrible.

No!

Yeah, I feel bad but
I need volunteers

to clean the kennels
this weekend.

There are nine dogs at Giardia.

Whoever does it's gonna
need one of those counselors

they send to mass
shooting scenes.

I nominate Frank given
the weasel debacle.

He's the senior officer.

Yeah. Frank, I just got an
earful from the superintendent.

I was getting coffee.

I'm guilty of negligence,
not incompetence.

It's a lower crime.

Came to gloat about
the weasel barbecue.

You're here to
enjoy my misfortune,

which is a taunt, not a gloat.

Always an education
when you talk to Frank.

You're a rube. Do you
know what that is?

Rumor is, couple
filed a complaint

that'll require damage control.

I'm offering my services,
Emily, 'cause I know you get

a little nervous and sweaty
in high-stress situations.

Uh, no, no.

I have everything under
control, Templeton.

Well, when you don't,
I'll come back to gloat.

Did I get that right, Frank?

No, that was a threat.

Ah... whatever. Word nerd.

Okay.

I'm gonna go change into a shirt

that's dark enough to hide
my nervous pit stains.

And right away I'm gonna
go ahead and apologize

for sharing that information.

Muffins... are over here.

Why's that guy so mean to Emily?

He works at a rival precinct,
and he's gunning for her job.

Yeah, she's not really suited
to a leadership position,

but we have to make sure
she doesn't get fired

'cause she's really nice.

And she's easy to manipulate
which is why we're

the only precinct with a
top-of-the-line Panini Press.

Mmm. Spectacular.

We got written up
in Bon Appetit.

Okay, here's a novel idea.

Try standing closer to the
toilet and actually aiming

so the pee goes in the
bowl and not on the floor.

That's a terrible
idea for a novel.

I will be instituting
a key system.

So if you have to
pee, you come see Dee,

there'll be a sign-in
sheet on my desk.

Not gonna do that.

Frank! Frank!

Frank!

Listen, I'll talk to
Emily and take the heat

for the weasel thing.

Okay? I'll clean the
kennels, it's only right.

That would be stupid of you.

It's what partners do, right?

Look, I'm gonna be up front.
My plan is to get rid of you.

And with the way
bureaucracy works,

it'll take about six
months to fill your seat.

So that's gonna be
all lone wolfy time.

Hey, we talked
about the howling!

Sorry Emily. How's that
espresso machine coming?

Oh, yeah. I ordered it.

Oh, you are the best!

It's
coming from Milan.

You don't fool me, Frank.

Underneath that crusty exterior
is a soft, chewy center.

Mmm... no.

Yeah. He's not that
kinda cookie, kid.

What do you mean?

Look, and you didn't
hear this from us,

Frank used to be a cop but then
he uncovered some corruption,

and instead of cleaning
it up, they fired him.

Whoa. That's heavy.

Greenview Meadow Preschool.

Oh, God in heaven, no.

There's no way this
isn't something awful.

Hello? Yeah.

Danny won't poop
in school again.

He's like me, he gets
nervous at away games.

Aww, poor sausage.

Yeah, go ahead and put him on.

Hey buddy, it's okay, listen.

Just like we do at home, okay?

♪ I know what to do...

♪ when I'm about to poo...

♪ I go to the potty,


And I sit and wait...

♪ I sit and wait...

♪ I sit and wait until
the poop falls down. ♪

♪ Then I wipe and wipe,
'till brown leaves town, ♪

♪ I put it in the potty
and I flush it down. ♪

Whooo!

Banger!

Wow, sounds like
you had quite a bit.

I'm proud of you,
my little soldier.

Way to go, Danny!

Okay. Alright. Bye.

Hi.

I could use some help getting
a mastiff on the table.

- No problem.
- Yes! I'll... I'll help.

Absolutely.

Hey... you're Shred, right?

Hey. Oh yeah, hi.
Nice to meet you.

Are you the, um... hot vet?

No, we say that behind her back.

Yeah.

Oh God, I'm so sorry if
that came off disrespectful.

I'll retract it and say
you're in no way hot.

Doctor Summers.

I don't wanna embarrass you but
I'm a huge winter sports fan

and I saw you at the
X Games in Whistler.

- 2019.
- Yeah.

Against The Goose.

- Oh, so good!
- She's a fan.

You did that backside
right in front of me. She's a fan.

They've been replaying
it on ESPN Classics.

Every time I watch it, I think
I'm not gonna stick the landing

and then I do...

and it kinda blows my
mind all over again.

So good. Anyway, sorry. You
needed help with something?

Uh, yeah that'd
be great. Come on.

Yeah. Sure. Yeah.

No. No. He does not get
to just sashay in here

and have sex with someone

we've all been trying
to nail for years.

Yeah, he has to get in line
and wait like everybody else.

Low rent Shawn White.

Yo. Delores...

I need the key.

Name and time.

Connie Lingus?

Real mature!

You know
what Mark Twain said?

I'm not 100 percent
on who Mark Twain is.

That's a whole other
conversation now.

He said if you pick
up a starving dog

and make him prosperous,
he will not bite you.

This is the principal difference
between a dog and a man.

Is this about the hot vet?

Yeah, of course it's
about the hot vet.

I've been laying the
groundwork for years.

Do you know how many vaccination
clinics I've volunteered for?

A lot of vaccination clinics.

I've eradicated entire diseases
in pursuit of that woman.

But dude, I'm not,
like, a threat.

I have a girlfriend.

She's a snowboarder,
she's from Spain

and if you'd asked me even
one question you'd know that.

I'm not gonna lie,
that's a bit of a relief.

Yeah, and if I was gonna dip
my toe into the work pool,

it wouldn't be the hot vet.

Well, not Victoria.
I got dibs there too.

No. Emily. The boss lady.

She's just so clumsy and
uncomfortable in her own body.

I guess I just dig
an awkward chick.

This is a texture I
didn't know you had.

You see, this partnership...
it's blossoming.

Oh, and I Googled wolves.
They run in packs.

Well, except the lone ones.

Otherwise they would
just be wolves.

And you had to Google that?

There's no shame in
admitting gaps in knowledge.

Unrelated but also
interesting...

did you know snails can
have sex with themselves?

Truck 12,
neighbor complaint.

Unlicensed ostrich
farm. 360 North Harding.

Truck 12 responding.

Ostriches. I love this job.

Hi, I'm Emily Price
from animal con-

Wow, that is worse
than I thought.

I brought muffins.

Hey.

Officers on the scene
with loaded snausages.

Never gets old, Tom.
What have we got here?

Waiting for the coroner.

The guy's been dead three
days and no one knew it.

His dog never left his side.

We'll find him a good home.

Three days. Can you imagine?

Three days without anybody
knowing where I was.

I'd kill for that.

Hey. Hey, it's gonna be okay.

Charlie. He's so cute!

Whoa. Those are
some tall birds.

Yeah, and their eyes are
bigger than their brains,

so you should feel
right at home.

Your ribbing feels affectionate.

And I know you're going for
more emotional distance.

Hey, your shirt's sticking
out. Let me fix it.

There you go, now
you look respectable.

Look at you taking
care of your partner.

Bonding alert.
Calling all units.

Alright, calm down.

Ma'am, hi. City of
Seattle Animal Control.

Is it alright if we enter?

Make sure to close the gate.

Did my stupid neighbor call you?

What's going on here?

You making belts or
selling their meat?

I sell the eggs at
the Farmer's Market.

Well, you're gonna
need a license

from the Zoning Commission.

Uh... these guys like me.

Everyone likes you, Shred.

Should I be concerned?

Well, that's really up to you.

They are violent and strong and
have famously bad temperaments.

Oh, and as you can see
they're really fast.

So I would kick it up
a gear if I were you.

In the meantime, I'll just
be writing this citation.

It's bad,
Frank! They won't stop.

It's starting to feel
extremely targeted!

Yeah. Well, they either see you as
a food source or a potential mate.

Either way, I would just
let nature take its course.

They're relentless!

But don't worry, I'm
getting all of it.

Look at 'em move.

These muffins are delicious.
You have to give me the recipe.

Oh, I will.

And you know what?
They're healthy too.

Everyone in my office
has some kind of allergy

so I can never
bake anything fun.

Look, we agree.

We don't wanna turn this
into a big legal thing.

Great. Great.

And... and you have my word,

the City will pay
for everything.

Okay.

If you'll just excuse me, I'm
just gonna let somebody know.

Emily
said they're not going to sue

and sent a pile of poop emoji...
and a middle finger emoji.

Whatever.

Alright... I won't take
up anymore of your time.

Thank you both.

You didn't use sesame
oil in these, did you?

You know what, I did.

I find it just gives
it, like, a little tang.

Oh God.

I'll get the EpiPen.
Thank you.

Wait, wait...
what's happening?

Call 911.

Right now?

No! Oh, no!

Knock it off.

This is not fun for
me. This is not fun.

I've never
seen them like this.

Little help here, Frank.

Man, they must, uh... smell
something on your clothes.

What kinda detergent do you use?

Tide liquid pods.
They get out anything.

Maybe lose the shirt?

Oh, oh yeah.

That is pretty
disrespectful to the uniform.

But you gotta do
what you gotta do.

Hmm. It's gotta be the pants.

- The pants.
- Yeah.

This is the weirdest
strip show I've ever seen.

And I've seen a number of them.

Is that your beef stick?

In my defense, uh, I didn't
think it would work that well.

Uncool, bro. Really Uncool!

And I'm sorry to raise
my voice right now

but I'm pretty high
up in this tree

and you crossed a line, brother!

They could've taken
my penis, Frank!

Yeah, but they didn't and
that's what makes it funny.

Dude, I know that the police
department screwed you over

and people let you down but
to learn nothing from that

except to be a jerk, that
just makes you a douche, dude.

You're missing all the nuance.

I'm a douche for a lot
of complicated reasons.

Dude, I blew out my knee three
months before the Olympics.

But I didn't let it
make me hate the world.

We all have a choice in life
and I chose to stay positive.

Well, that just makes me
question your judgment.

Well you'll be proud to know

I'm feeling pretty
negative right now, Frank!

You have a ticket for
600 bucks, by the way.

- Can I pay you in eggs?
- No.

Yeah, come in.

I'd like to request a transfer.

My senior officer,
by word and action,

has made it clear that he
doesn't want me around.

Despite the rumors, I'm
not a people person.

Really? Are you sure?

I'd have to move you to central

and Templeton has
the only free truck.

Yes.

You heard the man.

Templeton. You'd really
do that to Shred?

He'll be fine.

He'll be happy in
literally any situation.

Which is the very trait that
makes him challenging for me.

Well, what if you viewed
it as a growth opportunity?

I'm not looking for growth.

If growth wants me bad enough,
it knows where to find me.

Yeah. Alone in your apartment.

Where I am so content.

Now... can I interest you
in a chicken pesto panini?

I wanna say no, but yeah.

Your heart is black

but you know how to make
a really good sandwich.

You guys making sandwiches?

Oh!

Hello? Who's there?

It's Shred. I forgot
my coat, so...

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, I'm sorry how
everything worked out.

I love Frank

but sometimes he can just
be too much like... Frank.

Yeah.

I really thought I was gonna
be able to crack him, you know?

What are you still doing here?

Oh, we have a pet
adoption coming up

so I was just gonna
get these flyers out.

Cool.

You know, the thing
about snowboarding is

it's a solo sport.

Mmhmm.

Like, when you're
on the mountain

it's just you all alone.

When I got injured nobody
found me for two hours.

What, so the Saint
Bernard thing is a myth?

I'm the wrong guy to ask.

I still sorta believe
in Santa Claus.

What?

Oh.

Do you need a hand?
Um... yeah.

Sorry. Thanks. I can
just be a little clumsy.

I know.

You know, honestly...

I don't know that I'm
cut out for this job.

I mean, I sent that poor
guy to the hospital today.

Yeah, but I almost
burned down his house

and sent him to
the hospital, so...

That's true.

Oh, I'm gonna miss seeing you
around the precinct everyday.

Yeah, me too.

Um... but you know now that,

I mean, I'm not
gonna be your boss...

Like, we wouldn't...

Sorry. Sorry. It's
my girlfriend.

Oh, my God. Ah...

- I should get this.
- Yeah, yes.

Hey babe. I heard
you got powder.

What do you think, Charlie?
You like your new home?

Yeah?

Hang on.

♪ And I wipe and I wipe
'till the brown leaves town ♪

♪ Put it in the potty
and flush it down. ♪

♪ Bye bye poo.

♪ Bye bye poo.

Shred Taylor needs
an 88 to get to on the podium.

No way.

Here is another
look at his backside rodeo 540.

Will it be enough to medal?
And here comes the score...

Oh! 87.3. Ugh, man,
that is heartbreaking.

Shred Taylor finishes fourth.

Look at this kid. You'd
never know he lost.

Gotta love him.

I'm not ready for a dog. I
need you to take Charlie.

No, no. I have my own
two dogs. I'm fine.

Oh my God, he's so cute!

Oh, do you want him?
You guys love him.

You can have him.

No, we're not taking the
dog. We don't need the dog.

Also... I can't
take care of this.

I don't need this. I
already have lots of plants.

I don't need more plants.

No, don't go. No,
stop that dance.

Come back.

You're so cute.

Some dopey looking
guy call for an Uber?

I knew you'd show
up... partner.

No, you didn't.

And I'm getting rid of you as
soon as a decent rig opens up.

I hope you know that.

If I didn't know
you were coming,

how come I got us coffee?

'Cause you were gonna
brownnose Templeton.

Whatever you need to
tell yourself, Frank.

But I always knew you
were a pack animal.

Yesterday you didn't even
know what a pack animal was.

Oh! I also didn't know
that a newborn kangaroo

is the size of a lima bean.
- Okay.

Templeton.

You didn't tell him
you were picking me up?

Nah. It was a
game-time decision.

How would you feel
about mooning him?

Very good.

But this will be
two days in a row

you've negotiated my pants off.

Hmm.

So you really filmed the
whole Templeton thing?

Yes, I did.

- To hell with Templeton!
- Nice touch.

Good to have you back.

Good to be back, boss.

Holden Weiner?

Holden Weiner? Really guys?

It's actually Wy-ner. I
get that all the time.

I'm gonna need a
signature for the package.

I think it's an
espresso machine.

Ooh! I'll take care of that.

Thank you Mister Weiner.
Thank you so much.

Wyner.

I think she sprung
for the milk foamer.

Emily, you are the best!

I'm getting a wine fridge next.