Anger Management (2012–2014): Season 2, Episode 8 - Charlie & Cee Lo - full transcript

So, I'm in Victoria's Secret
looking at all the pictures of the models

and I thought, "What's with all the fatties?"

So I've decided
I'm gonna be a lingerie model.

So you wanna become a lingerie model

just to show that you're skinnier
than those women?

No. That would make me sound
bitchy and shallow.

I'm doing this to get back at my mom.

There have to be other ways
to deal with your mother.

For example, my ex-wife did it
by marrying a man that her mother hated.

Anyway, I've decided to get pictures taken
and start a portfolio.

I already have hundreds of photos of you.



That's nice, Nolan, but she probably
can't use blurry photos of herself

shot through bushes.

Actually photography happens to be
one of my hobbies. Here, look.

I downloaded some of my photos
to my phone.

Blurry through the bushes,
blurry through the bushes,

blurry through the bushes, and France.

Oh, wow. This is really great.
This woman in the cafe looks beautiful.

Well, if you think you can capture
my hotness, then you've got the job.

If we're done talking about the
world's first four-foot-tall supermodel,

I'd like to talk about me, please.

Okay.

Last time we talked, we were pretty deep
into some issues regarding your career.

This guy always has quareer issues.

I'm not proud of that. I'm gonna put $10 in.



Well, the good news
is I don't have any more career issues

because I took your advice
and I quit the department store.

That's huge. You must feel so liberated.

I do. I've been liberated from my paycheck

and pretty soon
I'll be liberated from living indoors.

I've never been so unhappy in my entire life.

But, Patrick, you said you were wasting
your creative talents as a personal shopper.

But that didn't mean I had to quit.
Everyone gets frustrated with their jobs.

I'm already a little bored with modeling.

I've never been out of a job in my entire life.
I have worked steadily since I was 15.

I hear you and I understand,
but we can't go overtime today.

Is there a moment this week
that you're free to talk?

Let me check.

Yeah, every second.

I can work around that.

Look, guys, this client coming in
is kind of high profile,

so I trust that you'll extend
the same confidentiality

that you extend to each other.

Oh, God, let it be Angie Dickinson.

- It's Cee Lo Green.
- Who the hell's Cee Lo Green?

You see, that's the type of confidentiality
I'm looking for.

You know, I used to be all about
millionaire black basketball players

until a millionaire black singer
pulled into your driveway.

- Hey, Charlie. I hope I'm not too late.
- No, no. We're just finishing up.

- Cool.
- See you next week, everybody.

Shawty.

- Hi, Cee Lo.
- Hi.

You don't know me yet,
but I'm a lingerie supermodel.

Call me. Here's my phone.

You don't wanna keep that. She has
Find-A-Phone. She'll know where you live.

Bye.

- Please, come on in.
- Thank you.

- It's such a pleasure to meet you.
- You, too.

Listen, Charlie, I'm sorry. Coming here
to therapy is not gonna work for me.

Well, at least you gave it a fair shot.

That's not what I mean. What I mean is
I want you to be on call for me 24/7.

You see, I've got this reputation
for being, like, a nice guy and all of that,

but I'm under a lot of stress at the moment

and I don't wanna blow up
and ruin my reputation.

Yeah, there's no coming back
from something like that.

I just need you for a few weeks while
I'm rehearsing my new show Loberace.

24/7, that's quite a commitment.

Charlie, come on.
What do I gotta do to sweeten the deal?

I'm sorry, Cee Lo.
I wish there was something that I...

Wait a minute. There is something.

I have a friend who's a very talented stylist
who I just encouraged to quit his job

and, well, he needs a new one.

Send him to me. I'll put him on my team.

Really? Just like that?

I love to give people breaks,
especially if they can sing,

but everybody thinks they can sing.

- You got yourself a deal.
- All right.

Okay, one more favor I need from you.

The girl I met on the way in,
I want her number.

I'm gonna do you an even bigger favor,
I'm not gonna give it to you.

All right, before I take off this robe,
I'm gonna go over the rules.

- Rules?
- Number one,

you're not allowed to touch the model.

Is the model's hair part of the model?

Yes, and so are the feet.

My God. Who made these rules?

Number two,
you're not allowed to do anything weird,

like sniffing my couch.

Damn it, they thought of everything.

Can you abide by those rules?

- Yes.
- Okay, then. Let's do this.

Are you okay?

Yes.

Right, so...

Mount the couch.

Okay, now relax a little.

Okay, that's good.

Be a little flirty.

Okay, show me those eyes.

Yes.
Okay, pretend you're making love to me.

I mean me. I mean me. I mean the camera.

So how do I look? Like a supermodel?

Yeah. I'm just thinking you should turn
the other way so we can get your good side.

My good side?

No, no, no, no. Both sides are perfect,

but one side's not as good.

You know, I always knew
my left side was my bad side.

That's why nobody hits on me
when I'm driving.

I would do so much better
if I lived in England.

Well, it's true.

Thanks, Nolan.
Nobody's ever been honest with me before.

No problem. Let me change the lens
so I can get a little less depth of field.

Could we please
not tell the rules committee?

How long were you at that conference?

- Two weeks.
-It felt like two years. Let's do this.

- That blouse was $400.
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

No, that's what made it hot. Kiss me.

I don't have to pay you back for that, do I?

No, don't worry about it.
Just rip off my skirt.

I'm gonna go slow. This looks a little pricey.

- Rip it off!
- I can't. I'm already into you for $400.

You aren't gonna answer that, are you?

I have to. It's Cee Lo.

Hello. Oh, hey, buddy.

Right now?

Yeah, yeah. Sure, no problem.
I'll see you soon.

I'm sorry, Kate. I gotta go.

I can't believe you agreed to be on call.

Once again, this is you getting
overly involved in your patients' lives.

Cee Lo is a very busy man and he can't
come to me on a regularly scheduled basis.

So that's why you're doing this?

Not really.
I'm doing this so Patrick can have a job.

What if I need you?
What if I have an emergency?

You're right. This is crazy. I'm gonna
call him back and tell him I can't make it.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm on the freeway. I'll see you soon.

Dad, pulp or no pulp?

- Dad!
- What?

I don't know why you invited us
over for breakfast

if you're gonna be out on a date all night.

I wasn't on a date.

I was at Customs all night trying
to keep Cee Lo Green from getting upset

because his gold-plated piano
showed up from Monaco with a scratch.

Okay, if you're just gonna string together
random sets of words, we're going home.

No, no, no, no. Cee Io's a patient now,
but don't get excited.

He's just a regular guy like anybody else.
Puts his pants on one leg at a time.

Yeah, but his pants are gold lamé
and they cost a million dollars.

I gotta meet him, Charlie.

Yeah, I know,
but you're never gonna meet him.

But I really have to.

Oh, that's different. You never will.

Okay, Cee Lo is at the front door.
What do we do?

Relax, relax, relax. We answer the door.

I've done it dozens of times. it works.

- Right.
- Whoa, whoa. Before you go.

Remember,
as long as Cee Io's in this house,

he's not a celebrity, he's a patient.
So I want you on your best behavior.

Yeah, Charlie, I know. I'm a grown woman.

Oh, come on. I've seen how crazy you get
when you think you've spotted a celebrity.

Remember the time you begged
"Willie Nelson" for his autograph?

I'm telling you, that was Willie Nelson.

It was a homeless man.

If it was Willie Nelson,
he wouldn't have asked you for a dollar.

If you know anything about Willie Nelson,
you know he's had a lot of tax problems.

Yeah, but he doesn't wear six jackets
in the middle of July. Just be cool.

Hey, there he is.

- Hey, Cee Lo. How are you?
- What's up, bro?

Hey, so this is for you.

A token of my appreciation
for helping me out last night.

- Oh, you shouldn't have, but thank you.
- No problem.

- I see you've met my daughter Sam.
- I did.

- My ex-wife Jennifer.
- Well, it's very nice to meet you.

- My name is Cee Lo.
- I know who you are.

And if I met you on the street

and you were wearing six jackets
and sharing pizza with a dog,

I'd still know it's you.

Give us a minute, ladies.

Nice to meet you, Cee Lo.

You know, you really didn't have to do this.

Well, I didn't.
My assistant Steve picked it up.

- Oh, well, then thank him for me.
- I will. That will help soften the blow.

- What blow?
- Well, I want you to tell him that he sucks.

That he needs to get his act together.

- Why can't you do that?
- Because I have an image to protect.

Can't you see how adorable I am?

Look, Cee Lo, I can be there
when you talk to him so you don't blow up,

but I'm not gonna tell him for you.

Are you sure, Charlie?
I mean, he's a pretty bad assistant.

That's some cheap-ass champagne.

No, no. I'm sorry. I can't.

Okay, then. Fine. You're getting the frown.

Stop it. It's almost as adorable as the smile.

- What are you having?
- An anxiety attack.

That's not one of
those damn mixology drinks, is it?

I did not become a bartender
because I wanted to think.

Do you know anything about women?

I'm gonna talk to you anyway. Go ahead.

I was taking pictures of this girl
who always ignores me,

and then out of the blue, she kissed me.

Did anything happen before she kissed you?

I said something about how the left side
of her face isn't as good as the right.

- And this is a pretty girl?
- Very.

You may not know this 'cause you're a dork.

Go on.

But women who base their self-esteem
on their looks are usually pretty insecure,

so when you point out a flaw,
it freaks them out

and they would do anything
to get you to like them.

So she was nice to me
because I criticized her. Cool.

How come somebody as smart as you
is working behind a bar?

Actually, I'm writing a book.
It's called Conversations With Idiots.

Where do you find these people?
Do they just walk in?

And how do you know if they're idiots?

They just show up
and start asking question after question.

Like what?

I'll tell you in a second.
I'm just gonna grab my notebook.

Hey, Patrick. How's the job going?

Oh, my God. Come here. Come here.

Okay, so I know that I was hired as a stylist
and not a designer.

But check this out.

I made this.

I was hoping that Cee Lo might like it
and wear it in his show. What do you think?

I like it. And he definitely won't get
hit by a car if he goes outside at night.

Hey, Charlie!

Well, I gotta go. Sorry, Patrick.

Charlie, you changed my life.
I mean, I can never repay you.

Unless you have a pair of jeans that
you need hemmed and fringed in feathers.

I've been doing that all morning.

Thanks, but I don't even wear
the ones I have.

- How's it going?
- Hey, Charlie.

- How are you?
- Good, good.

Charlie, I want to introduce you
to my fantastic assistant Steve.

- Steve, how are you? Good.
- How do you do, sir?

Now, without this guy around here,
the whole operation would fall apart.

Yo, Steve, would you
get us some coffee, please?

- Right away.
- Thank you.

Well, it looks like you and Steve
have worked things out.

No, you gotta fire him.

You just said the whole thing
would fall apart without him.

What I didn't say is
it'll fall apart faster with him.

All right, I'm not comfortable firing him,

but if you think you're gonna lose it
when you're letting him go,

then I'll be there to intervene
until you cool off, all right?

All right.

- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.

- Steve.
- Yeah.

Charlie's got something to tell you. My man.

So, Steve.

Guess who doesn't have to
work late tonight.

- You're a great photographer, Nolan.
- Thanks.

I think this one's really good.

Yeah, maybe.

I mean, after we get it into Photoshop
and fix your face.

Which part?

- You know, your...
- My nose. It's crooked, isn't it?

- No, it's perfect.
-It's my ears. They're lopsided, right?

No, they're perfect.

So what part are you talking about fixing?

- I don't know. I can't do this anymore.
- Do what?

Feed your insecurities.

Lacey, the only reason
you kissed me the other day

is because I said
half your face was messed up.

So wait. You're gaming me?

Well, not the first time.

Let me tell you something. You can't feed
my insecurities because I don't have any.

If I'm so insecure, why would I wanna be
a supermodel and have everybody love me?

Just get out!

I'm sorry, Lacey. Please, let me kiss
that car wreck of a mouth.

Out!

Okay. Give me your phone.

We're not having any distractions tonight.
It's just you and me.

I'll do anything you want.

Name it.

Can you get Steve his job back?

What are you talking about?

I can't stop thinking about this guy I fired.
It was awful.

You know what you don't hear a lot of?
Wailing.

Wailing and a guy begging
for God to kill him.

This is ridiculous. You've got to quit.

If I quit, he'll fire Patrick
and I can't do that to him.

- He's finally happy.
- Well, you know what? I'm not.

Cee Io's ruining our sex life. I'm outta here.

No, no, don't go. Don't go.
Come here. Come here.

Let's put Cee Lo out of our minds
and tonight it is just about you and me.

That's better.

And I'm gonna rip off every bit
of your clothes. I don't care what they cost.

Hey, Charlie! Is that you?
I need to talk to you.

You just bought yourself an $800 blouse.

Cee Lo, I'm kinda busy at the moment.
Can I call you later?

Well, I brought my girlfriend
and I really want you to meet her.

I'm going home. I'm gonna go sit on
the washing machine with a glass of wine.

- Hey, Cee Lo. Come on in.
- Hey, man.

Vicki, this is Charlie.
He's an anger management therapist.

Charlie, this is Vicki. She's been to Newark.

But not the city, just the airport.
I had a connecting flight.

You know what, don't buy it back.
It's still a great story.

Hey, Vicki, I need to talk to Charlie
privately for a moment.

You mind waiting in the kitchen for me?

- Oh, I would love to.
- Thank you.

What's going on?

That's the best story she's got.
The Newark thing.

- She seems nice.
- Oh, she's great.

You just gotta break up with her for me.

I'm not gonna dump your girlfriend for you.

Charlie, it's for her own benefit.
She needs another story.

Look, Cee Lo, I can't do this anymore.

You wanna come to therapy, that's fine,
but I'm not gonna be your hatchet man.

Well, that's too bad, Charlie.
I guess I'll just have to hire Steve back

because somebody's
gonna have to fire Patrick.

Don't fire Patrick.
He's a great guy and very talented.

It's your call, Charlie.

Vicki, can I talk to you for a minute?

Hey, Vicki, you're probably not prepared
to hear this, but...

Cee Lo has something he wants to tell you.

My man.

What do you want?

- So you heard.
- Yeah.

- Who told you?
- Some bitch named Vicki.

- So what are you gonna do?
- Probably go back to the department store.

At least there I can make a weekly paycheck
to fuel the alcoholism I know is coming.

Patrick, I know what you're going through.

The reason I couldn't work for Cee Lo
is because

I'm the kind of guy that has to be in control
of my own life and I think you are, too.

Don't tell me what I am and what I'm not.

Maybe you're right.

If you go back to that store,
you're gonna get stuck there.

And you're gonna wake up one day,
be married to some guy,

have a Chinese baby,
and just wanna play it safe.

What am I supposed to do?

Patrick, when I saw that jacket
that you designed for Cee Lo,

it was the first time since I've known you
that I've seen any real passion.

Well, I am pretty excellent.

Have you thought about design school?

Only once

a day

every day of my life.

- So why don't you go?
- I can't afford it, Charlie.

I'm sure there's some things
you can cut back on.

I don't know. I live pretty close to the bone.

What? Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought I heard Ed say something.

Well, I guess if I had to, I could...

- I could give up on dry cleaning.
- Okay, that's a start.

And the guy who waters my flowers
and freshens up my plants.

I mean, I guess I could cut him back
to once a week.

Patrick, I think you can afford design school
if you just tighten your belt.

Especially if you have someone
that does that for you, too.

You know what, you're right. Here.

- This is for you.
- What is this?

It's my last basket
for the Fruit of the Month Club.

I guess if I'm gonna live out my dreams,

I'm gonna have to get used to
supermarket pears.

Stay strong.

So how'd it go with that girl?

Well, pointing out their flaws works,
but I just couldn't do it.

I had to be honest with her
about my feelings.

Oh, you're a virgin, aren't you?

Lacey.

I've been thinking about it.

You could've taken advantage of me
and you didn't.

I'm sorry.

No, it's a good thing. Just don't tell me
what's going on inside my head ever again.

- I don't wanna know.
- Never again. I promise.

So you wanna go out sometime?

Two days ago,
I would've done anything you wanted,

but you've seen me at my weakest,

so now I'm gonna have to
reestablish my dominance.

That sounds good, too.

Okay. You can't have this.

Loser!

What the hell just happened?

Was that just me
or was that, like, unbelievable?

I think it's because
we had so much tension built up.

Yeah. Next time, we should wait,
like, three weeks. It'll be even better.

- How 'bout four?
- Even better.

- How 'bout now?
- Even better.

Let's go upstairs. It'll be more comfortable.