Anger Management (2012–2014): Season 2, Episode 41 - Charlie and Sean and the Battle of the Exes - full transcript

Sean is jealous when Charlie keeps sleeping with Jen after he tells Charlie that he wants her back, so he looks to get revenge. Meanwhile, the therapy group helps to make Patrick unattractive so that he can find a new man.

Patrick, you seem pretty pissed today.
What's going on?

Pissed? Oh, no, I'm not pissed.

Everyone always thinks I'm so dramatic.

"There's always something
wrong with Patrick."

Well, I'm sorry, folks. No show today.

All right. Lacey, what's
going on with you?

I am dying of loneliness.

Ah, there it is.

The matinee performance of "Okla-homo."

I can't find anyone of any substance.

Every guy I go out with turns
out to be a superficial idiot.



The last guy thought PBS
was a peanut butter sandwich.

That's dumb. Everyone knows
it's Pabst Blue Ribbon.

"I'll have a PBS."

That's not even the same letters.

He's right, Lacey.
PBS is a delivery service.

No, that's UPS.

Actually, I was thinking of FedEx.

Okay, not even one initial.

Patrick, I get that you're frustrated,

but why do you think
this keeps happening?

I know this is gonna sound horrible,

but the reason superficial men
are attracted to me

is I'm too good-looking.

Wow, that must've been
really hard for you to admit.



I understand you, Patrick.

I, too, suffer from incredible hotness.

It's a curse.

Everyone's attracted to this, not this.

You know what? That gives me an
idea for an interesting experiment.

Putting a dog in a wind tunnel?

Great idea. You think they'll like it,

but let's see if they really like it.

I'm talking about changing
Patrick's appearance.

If you make yourself unattractive,

you'll know that people are interested
in you and not just your looks.

( Gasps )
Ooh, let me help you be unattractive.

I've done this before.

For one week, I went to a club
without lashes or heels

and every guy I slept with
was really into me for me.

Hey, I took a special effects
makeup class in college.

I can make a real-lookin' ugly nose.

And Ed can give you one of his
real-lookin' ugly shirts.

Ed: Hey.

Well, I guess I do
have something laying around.

You've gotta pick your battles.

There you are.

What the hell are you doing here?

If you're not gonna come to the office,

I'm gonna bring the office to you.

Look at how much work has piled up
since you started slacking off.

Uh...

these are all blank.

Yeah, I know. I wanted to
make a dramatic statement,

but it's hard when everything's digital.

Look at how much work has piled up
since you started slacking off.

I get it.

So, should I lose this
in the couch cushion now

or let it happen naturally?

Hey, Charlie, you got a second?

Oh, hey, Sean. Jordan, you two
remember each other, right?

Of course.

Uh, no.

But you remember me
and I totally get that.

Well, I've got work to do. So do you.

Maybe between making forts
and looking at porn,

you could stop by the office.

If we had a table saw, I bet
we could make an awesome fort.

Yeah, that's where
we could watch our porn.

( Groans )

( Door closes )

So, what's the deal with you and Jordan?

You guys, uh... hmm.
( Gurgles )

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no.

She's too...

because of all the...

makes me just wanna...

Hey, so where do we stand
with the whole Jen thing?

Did you put in a good word for me yet?

I'm sorry, I just don't see Jen
as the right pick for you.

Tell you what, you forget about Jen
and I'll throw in two IHOP waitresses

and a part-time lesbian letter
carrier to be named later.

Cheryl? I already banged her.

Oh, come on, brah.

Jen and I have an incredible connection.

I'm just... I'm worried
that somebody else

is gonna grab her up before I do.

Cheating on her is the dumbest
thing I've ever done.

Other than the time you
zip-lined across that bonfire

wearing a marshmallow suit.

- That was a great night.
- One of the best.

Please, just put in a word for me.
I'll never ask again.

Fine, but if she's insane
enough to take you back

and you cheat on her again,

I will hunt you down, kill you,

and leave you to rot in the porn fort.

Anger Management 2x41
- Charlie and Sean and the Battle of the Exes -
Original air date November 7, 2013

This was a great idea, Charlie.

Exactly what I needed. Margarita Monday.

- It's Thursday.
- Even better.

This is so nice
seeing you exes get along.

My first husband was so bitter,
he drove off with the house.

- You lived in a trailer?
- No.

I can't thank you enough
for getting me out.

My social life is a wreck.

I keep going out with
all these one-date dorks.

At this rate, I'm never
gonna get laid again.

- I might have a solution for you.
- What?

- Have sex on the first date.
- Charlie.

I'm joking, but I do have someone in
mind for you and you already know him.

Oh, yeah? Tell me more about "him."

Well, you're probably gonna say no.

- Don't be so sure.
- Okay.

- Sean.
- Blah-hh!

Well, you didn't say no.

I hate him.

I hate him, I hate him, I hate him,

I hate him, I hate him, I hate him.

Look, I have mixed feelings
about him, too.

But he asked me to talk to you.

He really wants to see you again.

Forget it.

The only women who'd want Sean

are screwed-up party girls
with no self-esteem.

Besides, I thought you were
talking about someone else.

- Who?
- You.

Me?

I knew you were gonna say me. I
just thought I'd act surprised.

What's the big deal?

We hooked up that one time
a couple months ago.

It was pretty good.

I'm down for that again.

Aren't you?

I bet that seemed sexier in your head.

It really did.

Then let's go back to my place.

But we cannot tell Sean.

Why, are you cheating on him?

A little.

All right, we're gonna talk about
anger and racial intolerance.

The sign around your neck represents the
race you're gonna be for today's session.

I think we're very
racially tolerant in here.

Cleo, last week, you
called someone a "beaner."

And, Ernesto, you used
the word "chinky."

And, Wayne, your manifesto
on keeping the white race pure

is a jailhouse bestseller.

I used to be a white supremacist.

Then I was just proud to be white.

Now I'll be happy if there are still
white people around in 50 years.

Well, that's a slightly
healthier attitude.

Yeah, I mean, with all these Mexicans

humping and pumping out babies...

Oh, don't you talk
about my people that way.

We are proud descendants
of "Aztekian" warriors.

We can't help it if we wanna
make love and sleep all day.

You'd better watch what
you're saying about Mexicans.

What are you worried about?

You're Asian.

I get the feeling he's one of
those Asians that loves Mexicans.

Yeah, that's exactly what I am.

And if he says stuff like that again,

I will kung fu his Mexican black ass.

All right, well, this was
a complete train wreck.

Experiment's over. Turn in your signs.

You don't know what it's like
in prison, Charlie.

Your race defines you.
It helps you survive.

You're just a white guy
living on the outside.

Yeah, what's the biggest problem
you've had in the last 24 hours?

You wanna know?

I'm having sex with my ex-wife,

and I'm just worried that if my buddy,

who really likes her, finds out,

then it's gonna hurt his feelings.

( All laugh )

You are so white, bro.

Maybe you should discuss this
with your friends at the bank.

( All laughing )

He said, "At the bank." He's funny.

He's gonna find out, Charlie.

It's just a matter of time,

and the longer you wait to tell him,

the worse it's gonna get.

Just find a way to soften the blow.

Like when they give you your last meal

before they put you
in the electric chair.

You're thinking,
"Oh, crap, I'm gonna die."

"Oh, boy. Salisbury steak."

You're right, I'll talk to him tomorrow.

It's just stupid for me to sit around

waiting for him to get hit by a car.

You want me to make a call?

Our kind's gotta stick together.

Man, gay bars are really cool.

Everybody's friendly, the music's good,

and the bathroom attendants
are really helpful.

There are no bathroom attendants.

Well, whoever that was,

my shoulders feel a whole lot better.

Can we go now?

I think I've learned a lot.

No one's gonna love me for me
and I'm gonna die alone.

Maybe you need to just put
yourself out there a little more.

People are probably
just intimidated by you.

I bet that's what you
tell all your ugly friends.

Oh, I totally do.

But then when they take
my advice and get out there...

They humiliate themselves
and go home alone?

Yeah, but I did my part,
so I feel great.

That's it. I'm done.

You're not leaving, are you?

I was just gonna
come over and talk to you.

You want to talk to me?

Have you seen this?
Oh, no, you're blind.

Oh, no, no.

I just saw you and your
smile and I thought,

"This guy's got a nice vibe.
I'd like to meet him."

I'd like to think that I am a nice guy.

Let me just go say
goodbye to my friends.

Get the hell out of here, losers.
You're crowding me.

Hey, got your text. What's up?

Ooh... boy, that's
a really nice table saw.

Yeah, I went over to Home Depot to pick
up a roll of duct tape and a light bulb,

and I saw this and I thought, "Didn't Sean
mention that he wanted one of these?"

So I bought it for you.

That's weird. What are you doing?

Look, I talked to Jen.

I can't remember exactly what she
said, but it was something like,

"I hate him, I hate him, I hate him,
I hate him, I hate him, I hate him."

There was something else.

Oh, yeah. "I hate him."

And you felt bad for me,
so you bought me a table saw.

No, I felt bad for you
after I had sex with her,

and then I bought you a table saw.

Let's make something.

Wait, you were supposed
to be talking to Jen for me

and you ended up having sex with her?

Yeah, but I talked about you first.

You know what? I have to
be cool with it, right?

I mean, she is your ex-wife.

So we're good?

( Sighs )

Yeah. It's love and war, man.

She made her choice. We're great.

You know what? No, we're not.
We're not great.

And I will not be bought
out with a table saw.

- What about a riding mower?
- No.

You broke the brah code, bro.

I think you mean, "You
broke the bro code, brah."

I'm sorry, but you said it yourself.
She made a choice.

You were the only dude that was there.

That's not a choice, man.
That's Communism.

Are you accusing me
of being a Communist?

( Laughs )
You know what?

She is gonna make a choice again,

and this time, she is gonna choose me.

So you hang onto your table saw
for that broken heart

because it is gonna need some mending.

But a table saw cuts things.

Shut your face.

You know what I mean.

All right, well, if you don't want
it, I'll just have to return it.

I still want it.

See? I shouldn't have said that

because now you're probably gonna
have sex with it, aren't ya?

Hey.

Oh, I guess you're waltzing in
here at 3:00 in the afternoon

because you spent all morning
reading the report I wrote.

Well, I read the first few
words, then fell asleep.

I hit my head at the keyboard and
generated a series of random letters

that were far more compelling
than anything you wrote.

That's because you missed a couple special
words I put in there just for you.

They start with "B"
and end with "low me."

See? If you'd started with a zinger
like that, I might've stayed awake.

Well, have fun rewriting it
by yourself tonight

because I have a date.

Oh, yeah? What's his name?

Does it start with an "S"

and end with
"taying at home with my cat"?

As a matter of fact,
it does start with an "S."

I'm going out with
your friend Sean tonight.

- Excuse me? - Yeah,
I ran into him a few days ago at Starbucks.

Sean didn't run into you.
He's a predator.

He ran into you like a hungry
wolf runs into a chipper...

blonde little alcoholic bunny.

So he's pursuing me.
What's wrong with that?

Has he slept with you?

No, that doesn't happen
until the third date,

which is tonight.

He's been a complete gentleman.

A complete gentleman who is
gonna hump you and dump you

and you're gonna get hurt.

The last thing I need
is to come into work

and listen to you cry
any more than you already do.

You know what?

I'm a smart bunny
and I know the difference

between a wolf and a good guy.

Now, goodbye. I have to get ready.

Sean is coming over tonight...

and he's going to have
intimate knowledge of my body

and then we are going to stare into each
other's eyes until the sun comes up.

Yeah, if you want him to stay that long,

you'd better have intimate knowledge
of how to tie him to the bed.

( Laughing )

You know, I know we've only known
each other a couple of days,

but I feel like you're the first
person who really knows who I am.

You know what's funny?

The other night when we met,
I'd almost given up

on finding somebody real.

Then I met you.

I am so real.

To us.

Oh.
( Laughs )

You got a little something on your...

So, you wanna go back to my place?

Your nose is, uh...

what the hell's going on with your nose?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

You weren't supposed to
find out like this.

Find out what?

I'm handsome.

Why would you do this?

My therapist told me to dress like this

because I said I wanted to meet someone

who didn't hit on me just
because I'm so good-looking.

My therapist told me to only
approach unattractive men

because I said I wanted to
meet someone of substance

instead of the pretty boys
I'm always chasing.

So you're superficial?

Oh, big time. That's why I
never tried to kiss you.

- You were so ugly.
- Oh, I know.

I wouldn't have kissed me either.
I was hideous.

We are both such terrible people.

I know, we have so much in common!

If you don't look too close,
we're perfect for each other.

- Wait, what kind of car do you drive?
- A Porsche I can't afford.

Oh, my God. You are amazing.

All right, sex time. Upstairs. Move it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's it?

- What am I, a piece of meat?
- You want romance?

I got beer, I got Funyuns.
Let's do this.

Excellent. Bring those Funyuns upstairs.
I have an idea.

( Phone rings )

Oh, God.

Sean.

"Hey, I know stuff's been weird with us,"

"but Charlie introduced me to someone"

"and it's serious, so I won't
be bothering you anymore."

"Hope we can be friends. Smiley face."

Wait, wait, wait. He actually wrote
out the words "smiley face"?

Emoticons confuse him.
God, he's such an idiot.

And why does he even think I care
about him being with another girl?

I don't know. I told him
you weren't interested.

Not interested? I hate him!

So who is she? Is she prettier than me?

What? Nobody could answer
a question like that.

I'd never ask you if Sean
was better-looking than me.

- He is.
- You see? You see?

There are no answers to these questions.

So she's pretty and you introduced them.

She's just this doctor that I was
forced to work with on the study.

She's a doctor?

Not some skanky stripper
covered in tattoos?

Oh, my God, so she's
real girlfriend material.

That's it.

That's why Sean's dating Jordan.

- He wants to make you jealous.
- That bastard.

And I wasn't jealous.

Now she's gonna throw herself at
him and be totally humiliated.

- Give me your phone.
- Why?

Because I am not gonna be outsmarted

by a guy who doesn't
understand emoticons.

( Spray hisses )

( Humming )

You're early, baby.

I hope you're hungry.

I just shaved dessert.

Wow.

Charlie, what are you doing here?

I'm getting ready for Sean.
He's gonna be here any minute.

That's exactly why I'm here.

Look, you cannot
sleep with Sean tonight.

I can prove that he's using
you and... holy crap.

What's with all the horses?

What? I like horses.

I hope so, otherwise you're in a
full gallop to "Crazy Acres."

Look, I finally figured out
why Sean's seeing you.

Me, too. He likes horses.
He told me last night.

No.

See this phone?
It belongs to my ex-wife.

That's whose ice
he really wants to shave.

What is that supposed to mean?

Oh.

Ugh.

He's using you to make her
jealous to get her back.

Look at the text he wrote.

Oh, he says we're serious.
That is so sweet.

( Giggles )
( Sighs )

( Knock on door )

Okay, all right.

Let's see what happens
when Jennifer sends him this.

"Get over here right now.
I want you back."

How do you do a winky face?

Ah, I'll just spell it out.

- Answer the door.
- This is insane.

Hi.
( Gasps )

Are those for me?

Baby, I am so sorry. I just got a text

from my Grandma... Rose.

And she just got in
a horrible car accident.

Your grandma texted you?

That's how she got in the accident.

I'm gonna take these to the hospital.

It's probably... I'll call you, okay?

( Sighs )

Gosh.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

Can I see that phone?

Yeah, sure.

"Hey, it's Jen."

"Changed my mind. Too horny to wait."

"Meet me at the corner
of Lankershim and Roscoe."

"Wait in your car, naked."

What's that gonna do?

Nothing, until I call the cops

and tell them there's
a naked guy in his car

on the corner of Lankershim and Roscoe.

Hey.

Hey.

So, I just got out of jail.

Coffee?

That's very clever.

Rather large group of parishioners

from "Our Lady of Let's All
Look At Sean's Package"...

they got a pretty full show

when the cops pulled me out of the car.

That was all Jordan,

but the first text from Jennifer,

that was all me.

Sugar?

Yeah, thanks.

Truce?

Truce.

Listen, Jordan sent me a text

and I want your honest opinion.

Now, she said that she really misses me

and that she can get over what happened,

but I need to get naked,
handcuff myself to my bed,

and leave the front door unlocked.

Well, I'm not surprised.
She said she really liked you.

Cool, see you later.

It is a trap, isn't it?

Yeap.

I'm gonna take my chances.