Anger Management (2012–2014): Season 2, Episode 39 - Charlie and the Hooker - full transcript
A pimp joins Charlie's therapy group, and he pays for his services with one of his escorts' services.
I expect Charlie to be late
because of his nervous breakdown
that we're all pretending is a phase.
But where's Patrick?
I'm watering his plants for him.
He said he was going to
San Francisco for the weekend.
Sacramento, not San Francisco.
Oh, he'll get there eventually.
They always do.
Buenos días, mis amigos.
I am back from Baja.
My sidekick.
His name is Also Charlie.
We have had many adventures.
He is muy cansado.
And now he must go to sleep.
Bedroom's upstairs.
Buenas noches, Also Charlie.
All right, Angry Birds.
Let's get this thing going.
Here's your mail.
It's been stacking up
since you've been away.
I was only gone a day.
I mean, mentally went away.
Oh, yeah. It has been a while.
Oh, hey, look at this.
The court is assigning
a new patient to our group.
What? I don't like change.
I need time to mentally prepare myself.
Don't worry. It says here
he's not coming till next week.
Oh, crap. It is next week.
I'll tell you what, I'll walk slowly
to the door so you can prepare.
Thanks, man.
I had to park my damn
Escalade in the sun.
Plant a tree, bitch.
I prefer Charlie.
But you're new, so you didn't know.
Everybody, this is Ray James II.
Don't you mean Ray James, Jr.?
People only say "the second"
if they're royalty.
And I think the only king
this guy's been close to
is the burger variety.
No, you ignorant hillbilly.
It is Ray James II.
Junior is the name
of some dumb-ass redneck
who's going to be poor his whole life.
So move your feet, Junior,
because I am a king
and I'm about to hold court
on your backwoods ass.
Excellent.
So, Ray, it says here that you
own the Prestige Escort Service.
"We're so classy, it's stupid."
Oh, my God. He's a pimp.
Ooh. And what kind of curry-flavored
delight do we have here?
You are spectacular.
Hi. I'm Lacey.
So yet another rule I didn't think
I'd ever have to put on the books.
No turning out hoes in group.
She's not a hooker, she gives it away.
Thank you, Ed... wait.
So, Ray, it says here you had some
difficulties with your financial advisor.
Right. Which I resolved
with a sternly written letter.
I don't see what's wrong with that.
Yeah, probably the part where you
made him eat it while you, quote,
"beat him silly with the flagpole
from an elementary school."
Yow.
I do not feel good about that.
I should never have
disrespected the flag.
I remember elementary school.
That's it.
I'm just happy
when I remember some stuff.
Well, the bitch-ass had it coming.
He cooked the books like Betty Crocker
and took every penny.
But don't worry about your
bill, I will make it right.
Excuse me.
I've got to take this.
Fine, I'll leave.
Good afternoon. You've got Prestige.
We're so classy, it's stupid.
I don't like that guy.
Who wants to vote him out?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We do not judge people.
Everybody who comes here
for help is welcome.
Here's another reason
why we don't vote...
who wants Ed out?
Does that mean I get to go get a beer?
No... but if you're going
to the kitchen, I'll take one.
Anger Management 2x39
- Charlie and the Hooker -
Original air date October 24, 2013
Dude, I don't know what's
going on with me and women,
but I wish I could bottle it
'cause I swear, I just can't miss.
And yet here you stand... alone.
That's because I haven't tried yet.
Watch. Watch this.
You see that? You see what I'm doing?
No, I don't.
I got a whole new smolder.
Yeah, I don't see anything different.
That's 'cause you're a dude.
That girl saw it. Ahem.
Just going to reel this one in.
- Hey.
- What's up?
This is going to sound weird,
but are you Charlie Goodson?
The baseball player?
I used to be a baseball player,
but now I'm a therapist.
You want to get out of here?
Sure. We should really
work on your shyness.
I'm sorry...
What... what just happened here?
Wait, if you and I leave,
then this guy has no way to get home.
So... let's go.
Okay, that is the first time
anybody's ever done that.
At least in that sequence.
Oh, yeah. We totally discovered that.
We're like the Lewis and Clark of sex.
We're like Admiral Byrd.
Yeah, except with a much
more fun race to the pole.
Exactly.
I like how I say things and you say things back.
When can I see you again?
Yeah, about that.
There's something
you need to know about me.
You're married?
'Cause I got to be honest with you.
At this point in my life,
I don't see wedding rings,
I just see people.
Not even close.
You know Ray James?
The first or the second?
I work for him.
Please tell me it's the first.
I'm pretty sure his dad was a plumber.
He had a session with you,
so in exchange,
you got a session with me.
You're an escort.
So you didn't really
recognize me from baseball.
I did recognize you from a
sports blooper on YouTube.
Look, I was just supposed to
hit on you and close the deal.
Ray didn't want you to say no.
Are you upset?
You know what?
At this point in my life,
I don't see escorts, I just see people.
Great 'cause I'd like to see you again.
All you got to do is call me.
I mean... call my pimp.
So what do you say we head over
to the Merry Peasant tonight?
I make a great wingman.
I don't really need a wingman.
I know, but I do.
My solo game looks more like
lurking and loitering.
One girl said I look menacing.
What do you do? You just stand
in the shadows staring at them?
Kind of.
I thought it made me look
like a mysterious loner.
Have you ever... in your entire life...
ever heard the phrase "mysterious loner"
used to describe someone that
wasn't a serial killer or an assassin?
What are you guys doing here?
Neither one of us has a hoop at
our house, so we're using yours.
So why are you eating my cereal?
Neither one of us had any cereal at
our house, so we're using yours.
I got to go.
- Hi, guys. - You know,
neither of us have girls at our house...
No.
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is Sean from the bar last
night and my friend Michael.
- I was actually there last night, too.
- You were?
Yeah, I was sort of
lurking in the shadows.
Yeah? You should stop that.
Okay, so tomorrow night?
Basketball game?
Is that a euphemism?
No.
Hockey game. That's a euphemism.
I say we go to the hockey game first.
Bye, sweetie. Give Ray a call, set it up.
You got it.
Who's Ray?
Her pimp. Is there any cereal left?
- You're sleeping with a hooker?
- Yeah, but I'm not paying.
Her pimp is in my group and he's paying
for my services with her services.
Cool. Well, most of this is gone,
but there's some granola
over there in the pantry.
And I knew there was a reason
why she chose you over me.
Wait a minute. Aren't we focused
on the wrong thing here?
You're sleeping with a hooker?!
Okay, okay. First of all, she's not
a hooker. She's an escort.
And second of all,
she's a really nice girl.
It doesn't matter how nice she is.
She's still a hooker.
Hey, hey. Just 'cause she
works in the sex industry
doesn't mean that she wouldn't
be a good girlfriend.
Would you date a hooker?
I was a hooker.
And I was damn good at it,
but I still deserve to be loved.
You were a hooker?
Damn it! Why is everyone
so much cooler than me?
Listen, pal.
How often do you run across a girl
that you actually
want to hang out with, right?
Now if she's one of them,
I say you go for it.
You're right. I do want to
date her, so what the hell?
But I'm not paying every time I see her.
The only way to keep dating her
is if her pimp stays in my group.
So what's the problem with that?
Well, it turns out
Lacey the testicle sniper,
Ed the racist,
and Nolan the pothead stalker
aren't comfortable with
having Ray the pimp around.
Hey, guys. Thanks for coming in early.
Now look, I know you'd like me
to kick Ray out of the group,
but I'd like you
to give him another chance.
He makes me extremely uncomfortable.
And usually I'm only very uncomfortable.
Well, sure, but don't
think of him as a pimp.
Think of him as a guy
who looks like a young Captain Crunch...
with a ship full of prostitutes.
But he's a jackass.
I don't care if he's a pimp.
Hell, my granddad was a pimp.
He ran the Hump and Pump
outside of Baton Rouge.
Is that a gas station with prostitutes?
Yes, ma'am.
Look, just because he's new
and looks a little different
and threatened to bitch-slap
Nolan for making eye contact,
you guys want to throw him out?
- I'm very disappointed.
- God, why do you care so much?
That guy is such a jerk.
He's not even paying you.
He is paying me.
With...
what is that feeling you get
when you help someone?
I think... I think it begins with a S.
Shame?
Is it shame?
No, but whatever it is, that's
what I'm getting out of this.
Look, I know he made
a bad first impression,
but I'm sure this time,
he'll be on his best behavior.
These two Nazi dogs
will make sure of it.
Sorry, I brought the dogs.
They ate something bad.
I didn't want them
to go dookie in my house.
That's very considerate of you.
It's not a problem.
Now about the animals...
do not look directly at the dogs,
don't make any sudden movements near me
or around me which may startle the dogs.
Other than that,
let's have a great session.
Any reason we can't
just tie them up outside?
Joggers.
All right, well, then let's get started.
Oh, I just remembered.
These dogs are trained to kill.
There is a trigger word
which you may never use.
Are you going to tell us what it is?
I forgot.
However, I do remember
it's got two syllables.
So we safe
if just use
short words?
Sure.
I no like make waves...
but bad man wreck thing.
Hey, Chuck, we had 'nough.
We be here first.
He go.
You know you can say goes.
This suck.
Sucks.
That's it.
We leave, no come backs.
Guys, this is ridiculous.
- The dogs won't attack.
- Ah, that's the word. "Attack."
That's the code word?
I forgot we changed it.
It used to be cranberries,
but there was an incident
last Thanksgiving.
Come on, you know the rules.
Every time one of the
ballplayers adjust themselves,
- we take a drink. - Charlie,
I've had three beers in 15 minutes.
I have never seen guys
pull at their crotch so much.
All right, I admit, I kind of cheated.
I checked the weather in Cincinnati,
I knew it was going to be humid.
Listen, I wanted to
talk to you about Ray.
- What about him? - I'm going
to have to kick him out of my group.
The problem is once he's out,
you and I are going to have
to stop seeing each other.
Damn, this sucks.
I've been thinking a lot about your job,
which is why I wanted you to meet Brett.
- Brett, this is Sasha.
- Hey.
You both worked in the same field.
You're kidding.
You worked in a slaughterhouse
killing cows with an electric bolt gun?
No, no, no, no.
She works in the private
entertainment industry.
- Charlie!
- It's okay, hon. I used to be a madam.
No offense, but how did you end up here?
Well, I did pretty good
for a couple years,
then I bought an ostrich farm.
I thought it was going
to be the new steak.
It's not.
Tell her what you think
she should do with her pimp.
Lose him. You're the one
doing all the work,
he's making all the money until a
younger, prettier girl comes in
and he kicks you out and there you are,
walking the streets.
Yeah, I know.
I always think about that.
Well, then just do it. Lose the guy.
Just like that?
Yes. There's a million
other things you could do.
Then you can date whoever you want.
I mean, I might have to
start charging you,
but we'll talk about that later.
Okay.
Okay, what?
I'm going to do it.
That's awesome.
Let's get a table,
order a couple of ostrich steaks,
send them back because they suck,
and then go home and celebrate.
I would love to, but I'm going to go.
I got to do it now
before I lose my nerve.
I'll call you later? And not Ray, you.
Hey, uh, you've got your affairs
in order, right, Charlie?
Like, you know, funeral arrangements,
headstone, plot of land.
Why?
'Cause this pimp's going to kill you.
What are you talking about?
It just occurred to me.
Every time a girl would leave the life,
it always had something to do
with the last guy she was with.
Oh.
Well, let's keep our fingers
crossed that the girl that I like
had sex with somebody after me.
Oh, crap.
Hey, Ray, what's up?
Let me in. I got to talk to you.
About what?
Something I'm angry about.
Yeah, I don't really do that anymore.
I just deal with phobias now.
I'm afraid I'm going to kill someone.
That's a phobia, right?
Well, technically, no.
What's in the bag, Ray?
All my guns.
So a bag of guns, you say.
All right, good to see you.
Thanks for stopping by.
Come on, man!
You're my therapist.
You're the only guy I trust
to hold these for me.
Give me the guns, Ray.
She's gone, man.
The bitch is gone.
Sorry to hear that.
Give me the guns, Ray.
You don't even know
who I'm talking about.
You're right, I don't, but as a therapist,
I know that when a bitch is gone,
it's a good time to breathe
and hand over your bag of guns.
It's Sasha, man.
Did she say anything
to you about leaving?
Only after every time we had sex.
She'd say, "Good-bye, I'm leaving."
That's the only leaving
I ever heard about.
She quit, Charlie. My biggest earner.
It's going to cost me
tens of thousands of dollars.
Okay, look, I know that's got to hurt,
but maybe it was just time
for her to leave the life.
"Leave the life"?
She took three of my other girls and
moved across the country somewhere
to start her own damn escort service.
The bitch did what?!
Yeah. Right?
She just up and she left.
- So... no good-bye?
- Nope.
Not even a thanks for all the good
times, the best sex I ever had?
Nope... what?
Can I have that bag of guns now?
You know, Charlie,
you're a good therapist.
It's like you can feel
what I'm feeling right now.
Oh, I can feel it.
Would you be offended if I
wanted to sit on your couch
for a couple of hours
and just get drunk?
Would you be offended if I joined you?
Hell, no.
Want to shoot some guns in the backyard?
Sure, but only if we're drunk.
And never in anger.
I found some gay cookies,
some gay pretzels,
some gay soda pop,
and some Lorna Doones.
The gay on that one's implied.
Okay, since we're boycotting Charlie,
I guess I'll just be the therapist.
Why do you always
get to be the therapist?
Because I've made the most
progress with my anger!
God, what a stupid question.
Ed, last week we were talking about
how your dog died when you were a child.
I would diagnose your anger problems
as having to do with
all kinds of childhood things,
and also feelings.
Okay, now it's my turn
to be a therapist.
Nolan, is there something you
want to share with the group?
No, I don't think I can talk about that.
It's okay. This is a safe place.
All right, sometimes I talk to myself.
Is that what you want me to say?
No, that's what you needed to hear.
Boy, you need an awful lot of help.
I thought I might find you guys here.
We don't need you.
We're having our own session
with awesome food
and heart-wrenching breakthroughs
and nothing barking
and slobbering at us.
If you don't count Ed.
Well, don't worry. The
dogs won't be coming back.
I found Ray a new therapist
and I dropped the hooker.
That's how important you guys are to me.
I dropped the hooker.
The one I never told you about.
So forget about that.
We don't need you anymore, Charlie.
We've found that we can help each other.
All right, everyone who
believes that, stay here.
Everyone else,
follow me back to my place.
because of his nervous breakdown
that we're all pretending is a phase.
But where's Patrick?
I'm watering his plants for him.
He said he was going to
San Francisco for the weekend.
Sacramento, not San Francisco.
Oh, he'll get there eventually.
They always do.
Buenos días, mis amigos.
I am back from Baja.
My sidekick.
His name is Also Charlie.
We have had many adventures.
He is muy cansado.
And now he must go to sleep.
Bedroom's upstairs.
Buenas noches, Also Charlie.
All right, Angry Birds.
Let's get this thing going.
Here's your mail.
It's been stacking up
since you've been away.
I was only gone a day.
I mean, mentally went away.
Oh, yeah. It has been a while.
Oh, hey, look at this.
The court is assigning
a new patient to our group.
What? I don't like change.
I need time to mentally prepare myself.
Don't worry. It says here
he's not coming till next week.
Oh, crap. It is next week.
I'll tell you what, I'll walk slowly
to the door so you can prepare.
Thanks, man.
I had to park my damn
Escalade in the sun.
Plant a tree, bitch.
I prefer Charlie.
But you're new, so you didn't know.
Everybody, this is Ray James II.
Don't you mean Ray James, Jr.?
People only say "the second"
if they're royalty.
And I think the only king
this guy's been close to
is the burger variety.
No, you ignorant hillbilly.
It is Ray James II.
Junior is the name
of some dumb-ass redneck
who's going to be poor his whole life.
So move your feet, Junior,
because I am a king
and I'm about to hold court
on your backwoods ass.
Excellent.
So, Ray, it says here that you
own the Prestige Escort Service.
"We're so classy, it's stupid."
Oh, my God. He's a pimp.
Ooh. And what kind of curry-flavored
delight do we have here?
You are spectacular.
Hi. I'm Lacey.
So yet another rule I didn't think
I'd ever have to put on the books.
No turning out hoes in group.
She's not a hooker, she gives it away.
Thank you, Ed... wait.
So, Ray, it says here you had some
difficulties with your financial advisor.
Right. Which I resolved
with a sternly written letter.
I don't see what's wrong with that.
Yeah, probably the part where you
made him eat it while you, quote,
"beat him silly with the flagpole
from an elementary school."
Yow.
I do not feel good about that.
I should never have
disrespected the flag.
I remember elementary school.
That's it.
I'm just happy
when I remember some stuff.
Well, the bitch-ass had it coming.
He cooked the books like Betty Crocker
and took every penny.
But don't worry about your
bill, I will make it right.
Excuse me.
I've got to take this.
Fine, I'll leave.
Good afternoon. You've got Prestige.
We're so classy, it's stupid.
I don't like that guy.
Who wants to vote him out?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We do not judge people.
Everybody who comes here
for help is welcome.
Here's another reason
why we don't vote...
who wants Ed out?
Does that mean I get to go get a beer?
No... but if you're going
to the kitchen, I'll take one.
Anger Management 2x39
- Charlie and the Hooker -
Original air date October 24, 2013
Dude, I don't know what's
going on with me and women,
but I wish I could bottle it
'cause I swear, I just can't miss.
And yet here you stand... alone.
That's because I haven't tried yet.
Watch. Watch this.
You see that? You see what I'm doing?
No, I don't.
I got a whole new smolder.
Yeah, I don't see anything different.
That's 'cause you're a dude.
That girl saw it. Ahem.
Just going to reel this one in.
- Hey.
- What's up?
This is going to sound weird,
but are you Charlie Goodson?
The baseball player?
I used to be a baseball player,
but now I'm a therapist.
You want to get out of here?
Sure. We should really
work on your shyness.
I'm sorry...
What... what just happened here?
Wait, if you and I leave,
then this guy has no way to get home.
So... let's go.
Okay, that is the first time
anybody's ever done that.
At least in that sequence.
Oh, yeah. We totally discovered that.
We're like the Lewis and Clark of sex.
We're like Admiral Byrd.
Yeah, except with a much
more fun race to the pole.
Exactly.
I like how I say things and you say things back.
When can I see you again?
Yeah, about that.
There's something
you need to know about me.
You're married?
'Cause I got to be honest with you.
At this point in my life,
I don't see wedding rings,
I just see people.
Not even close.
You know Ray James?
The first or the second?
I work for him.
Please tell me it's the first.
I'm pretty sure his dad was a plumber.
He had a session with you,
so in exchange,
you got a session with me.
You're an escort.
So you didn't really
recognize me from baseball.
I did recognize you from a
sports blooper on YouTube.
Look, I was just supposed to
hit on you and close the deal.
Ray didn't want you to say no.
Are you upset?
You know what?
At this point in my life,
I don't see escorts, I just see people.
Great 'cause I'd like to see you again.
All you got to do is call me.
I mean... call my pimp.
So what do you say we head over
to the Merry Peasant tonight?
I make a great wingman.
I don't really need a wingman.
I know, but I do.
My solo game looks more like
lurking and loitering.
One girl said I look menacing.
What do you do? You just stand
in the shadows staring at them?
Kind of.
I thought it made me look
like a mysterious loner.
Have you ever... in your entire life...
ever heard the phrase "mysterious loner"
used to describe someone that
wasn't a serial killer or an assassin?
What are you guys doing here?
Neither one of us has a hoop at
our house, so we're using yours.
So why are you eating my cereal?
Neither one of us had any cereal at
our house, so we're using yours.
I got to go.
- Hi, guys. - You know,
neither of us have girls at our house...
No.
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is Sean from the bar last
night and my friend Michael.
- I was actually there last night, too.
- You were?
Yeah, I was sort of
lurking in the shadows.
Yeah? You should stop that.
Okay, so tomorrow night?
Basketball game?
Is that a euphemism?
No.
Hockey game. That's a euphemism.
I say we go to the hockey game first.
Bye, sweetie. Give Ray a call, set it up.
You got it.
Who's Ray?
Her pimp. Is there any cereal left?
- You're sleeping with a hooker?
- Yeah, but I'm not paying.
Her pimp is in my group and he's paying
for my services with her services.
Cool. Well, most of this is gone,
but there's some granola
over there in the pantry.
And I knew there was a reason
why she chose you over me.
Wait a minute. Aren't we focused
on the wrong thing here?
You're sleeping with a hooker?!
Okay, okay. First of all, she's not
a hooker. She's an escort.
And second of all,
she's a really nice girl.
It doesn't matter how nice she is.
She's still a hooker.
Hey, hey. Just 'cause she
works in the sex industry
doesn't mean that she wouldn't
be a good girlfriend.
Would you date a hooker?
I was a hooker.
And I was damn good at it,
but I still deserve to be loved.
You were a hooker?
Damn it! Why is everyone
so much cooler than me?
Listen, pal.
How often do you run across a girl
that you actually
want to hang out with, right?
Now if she's one of them,
I say you go for it.
You're right. I do want to
date her, so what the hell?
But I'm not paying every time I see her.
The only way to keep dating her
is if her pimp stays in my group.
So what's the problem with that?
Well, it turns out
Lacey the testicle sniper,
Ed the racist,
and Nolan the pothead stalker
aren't comfortable with
having Ray the pimp around.
Hey, guys. Thanks for coming in early.
Now look, I know you'd like me
to kick Ray out of the group,
but I'd like you
to give him another chance.
He makes me extremely uncomfortable.
And usually I'm only very uncomfortable.
Well, sure, but don't
think of him as a pimp.
Think of him as a guy
who looks like a young Captain Crunch...
with a ship full of prostitutes.
But he's a jackass.
I don't care if he's a pimp.
Hell, my granddad was a pimp.
He ran the Hump and Pump
outside of Baton Rouge.
Is that a gas station with prostitutes?
Yes, ma'am.
Look, just because he's new
and looks a little different
and threatened to bitch-slap
Nolan for making eye contact,
you guys want to throw him out?
- I'm very disappointed.
- God, why do you care so much?
That guy is such a jerk.
He's not even paying you.
He is paying me.
With...
what is that feeling you get
when you help someone?
I think... I think it begins with a S.
Shame?
Is it shame?
No, but whatever it is, that's
what I'm getting out of this.
Look, I know he made
a bad first impression,
but I'm sure this time,
he'll be on his best behavior.
These two Nazi dogs
will make sure of it.
Sorry, I brought the dogs.
They ate something bad.
I didn't want them
to go dookie in my house.
That's very considerate of you.
It's not a problem.
Now about the animals...
do not look directly at the dogs,
don't make any sudden movements near me
or around me which may startle the dogs.
Other than that,
let's have a great session.
Any reason we can't
just tie them up outside?
Joggers.
All right, well, then let's get started.
Oh, I just remembered.
These dogs are trained to kill.
There is a trigger word
which you may never use.
Are you going to tell us what it is?
I forgot.
However, I do remember
it's got two syllables.
So we safe
if just use
short words?
Sure.
I no like make waves...
but bad man wreck thing.
Hey, Chuck, we had 'nough.
We be here first.
He go.
You know you can say goes.
This suck.
Sucks.
That's it.
We leave, no come backs.
Guys, this is ridiculous.
- The dogs won't attack.
- Ah, that's the word. "Attack."
That's the code word?
I forgot we changed it.
It used to be cranberries,
but there was an incident
last Thanksgiving.
Come on, you know the rules.
Every time one of the
ballplayers adjust themselves,
- we take a drink. - Charlie,
I've had three beers in 15 minutes.
I have never seen guys
pull at their crotch so much.
All right, I admit, I kind of cheated.
I checked the weather in Cincinnati,
I knew it was going to be humid.
Listen, I wanted to
talk to you about Ray.
- What about him? - I'm going
to have to kick him out of my group.
The problem is once he's out,
you and I are going to have
to stop seeing each other.
Damn, this sucks.
I've been thinking a lot about your job,
which is why I wanted you to meet Brett.
- Brett, this is Sasha.
- Hey.
You both worked in the same field.
You're kidding.
You worked in a slaughterhouse
killing cows with an electric bolt gun?
No, no, no, no.
She works in the private
entertainment industry.
- Charlie!
- It's okay, hon. I used to be a madam.
No offense, but how did you end up here?
Well, I did pretty good
for a couple years,
then I bought an ostrich farm.
I thought it was going
to be the new steak.
It's not.
Tell her what you think
she should do with her pimp.
Lose him. You're the one
doing all the work,
he's making all the money until a
younger, prettier girl comes in
and he kicks you out and there you are,
walking the streets.
Yeah, I know.
I always think about that.
Well, then just do it. Lose the guy.
Just like that?
Yes. There's a million
other things you could do.
Then you can date whoever you want.
I mean, I might have to
start charging you,
but we'll talk about that later.
Okay.
Okay, what?
I'm going to do it.
That's awesome.
Let's get a table,
order a couple of ostrich steaks,
send them back because they suck,
and then go home and celebrate.
I would love to, but I'm going to go.
I got to do it now
before I lose my nerve.
I'll call you later? And not Ray, you.
Hey, uh, you've got your affairs
in order, right, Charlie?
Like, you know, funeral arrangements,
headstone, plot of land.
Why?
'Cause this pimp's going to kill you.
What are you talking about?
It just occurred to me.
Every time a girl would leave the life,
it always had something to do
with the last guy she was with.
Oh.
Well, let's keep our fingers
crossed that the girl that I like
had sex with somebody after me.
Oh, crap.
Hey, Ray, what's up?
Let me in. I got to talk to you.
About what?
Something I'm angry about.
Yeah, I don't really do that anymore.
I just deal with phobias now.
I'm afraid I'm going to kill someone.
That's a phobia, right?
Well, technically, no.
What's in the bag, Ray?
All my guns.
So a bag of guns, you say.
All right, good to see you.
Thanks for stopping by.
Come on, man!
You're my therapist.
You're the only guy I trust
to hold these for me.
Give me the guns, Ray.
She's gone, man.
The bitch is gone.
Sorry to hear that.
Give me the guns, Ray.
You don't even know
who I'm talking about.
You're right, I don't, but as a therapist,
I know that when a bitch is gone,
it's a good time to breathe
and hand over your bag of guns.
It's Sasha, man.
Did she say anything
to you about leaving?
Only after every time we had sex.
She'd say, "Good-bye, I'm leaving."
That's the only leaving
I ever heard about.
She quit, Charlie. My biggest earner.
It's going to cost me
tens of thousands of dollars.
Okay, look, I know that's got to hurt,
but maybe it was just time
for her to leave the life.
"Leave the life"?
She took three of my other girls and
moved across the country somewhere
to start her own damn escort service.
The bitch did what?!
Yeah. Right?
She just up and she left.
- So... no good-bye?
- Nope.
Not even a thanks for all the good
times, the best sex I ever had?
Nope... what?
Can I have that bag of guns now?
You know, Charlie,
you're a good therapist.
It's like you can feel
what I'm feeling right now.
Oh, I can feel it.
Would you be offended if I
wanted to sit on your couch
for a couple of hours
and just get drunk?
Would you be offended if I joined you?
Hell, no.
Want to shoot some guns in the backyard?
Sure, but only if we're drunk.
And never in anger.
I found some gay cookies,
some gay pretzels,
some gay soda pop,
and some Lorna Doones.
The gay on that one's implied.
Okay, since we're boycotting Charlie,
I guess I'll just be the therapist.
Why do you always
get to be the therapist?
Because I've made the most
progress with my anger!
God, what a stupid question.
Ed, last week we were talking about
how your dog died when you were a child.
I would diagnose your anger problems
as having to do with
all kinds of childhood things,
and also feelings.
Okay, now it's my turn
to be a therapist.
Nolan, is there something you
want to share with the group?
No, I don't think I can talk about that.
It's okay. This is a safe place.
All right, sometimes I talk to myself.
Is that what you want me to say?
No, that's what you needed to hear.
Boy, you need an awful lot of help.
I thought I might find you guys here.
We don't need you.
We're having our own session
with awesome food
and heart-wrenching breakthroughs
and nothing barking
and slobbering at us.
If you don't count Ed.
Well, don't worry. The
dogs won't be coming back.
I found Ray a new therapist
and I dropped the hooker.
That's how important you guys are to me.
I dropped the hooker.
The one I never told you about.
So forget about that.
We don't need you anymore, Charlie.
We've found that we can help each other.
All right, everyone who
believes that, stay here.
Everyone else,
follow me back to my place.