Anger Management (2012–2014): Season 2, Episode 3 - Charlie and the Ex-Patient - full transcript

So, ed, when did the fight
with your wife start?

1972.

No, no. I meant the fight
that caused all of that.

Oh, yesterday.

She used my razor
on her sasquatch legs again.

It gets the blade
all catawampus

And it cuts my face.

What the hell
is catawampus?

My mom's boobs.

That's why you should never
use groupon to find
a plastic surgeon.

Anyway, we got in this
big old fight



And then she said
she wanted to leave me
and then we got drunk

And then we had
makeup sex

In my neighbor's
rosebushes.

And that's how
all this happened.

Well, shame on me
for asking.

But the positive part
of ed's story

Is that when you know
your partner well enough,

You can resolve things
and not go to bed angry.

I fight so dirty,
I've never actually had
makeup sex.

It usually violates
the restraining order.

I love makeup sex.

Especially with katy perry.

I make up sex with her
all the time.

I'm so lonely.



Oh, I'm sorry
to interrupt, charlie.

I know I'm early
for our, uh,

Research paper discussion.

I'll go grab
a cup of coffee.

- As you were.
- No problem, dr. Wales.

You may find this
kind of interesting.

We were just saying
that a history with someone,

Say a long-term friendship,
is a key factor

To having a successful
romantic relationship.

If that's what
you're looking for.

Oh, I'm sorry.
No one asked for my opinion.

Sorry,
I was only talking about

What emotionally healthy
people might want,

Which is a committed
relationship.

Excuse me.

Emotionally-healthy people
also value their independence

And, as any
evolutionary biologist
would tell you,

Monogamy is
completely unsustainable.

Oh, yeah?
What about the swans?

Or the malagasy giant rat?

Have you ever seen
those rats?

They don't have
a lot of choices.

Yeah, but the swans
are smoking hot.

They can get all the swan tail
they want, but they don't.

Great session,
everybody.

Don't read anything
into this.

- I thought we were
making progress.
- Progress with what?

With our nonemotional,

Anticommitment,
purely sexual
relationship.

And that progress
would be?

I thought we were now
in a quasi-emotional,

Commitment-neutral,
mostly sexual
relationship.

Maybe we are, but you
don't have to rub my nose
in it in front of your group.

They didn't know what
we were talking about.

It doesn't matter.

We did and I am not moving
any further than that.

A relationship
is like a shark.

If you get too close,
it will kill you.

You know, I think something
really bad happened to you

When you were a kid.

And then as an adult.

And then right before
you walked in this kitchen.

Yeah, sure.

- Charlie?
- Hope?

- Uh-huh. Hi.
- Wow.

- How long has
it been since therapy?
- Almost five years.

Oh, you look great.
You look happy.

Are you still,
you know, dancing?

You can say it.
Stripping.

- And, no.
- That's great.
That's great.

You really turned things
around when you stopped
being an angry stripper.

Oh, yeah.
I made way more money
as a happy stripper.

Cool.
A novelty act.

And then I quit
and used the money

To open a chain of
tattoo-removal shops

Called
tramps without stamps.

Well, you are
definitely climbing
the pole of success.

- Uh-huh.
- Please.

I'm-- I'm so sorry
that we didn't keep
in touch after therapy.

Yeah, well, I didn't know
if it was cool.

I mean, you make a connection
with your therapist

And you don't know
if it's real

Or it's because
you're slipping

200 bucks a session
into their g-string.

No, no.
What we had was real.

I remember that one time
we bumped into each other
in that bar.

I wouldn't have sat
there telling you about
my divorce

Till 3:00 in the morning
if we didn't have some kind
of connection.

Yeah.

So, you still single?

So I've been told
repeatedly.

Well, I have
a confession.

I left my copy of
"eat pray love"
at your house

After my last session
and I always sort of hoped

You'd find it
and give me a call.

I should have known
that was yours from
the bookmark.

It was a crumpled 20
covered with glitter.

You know, I haven't been
in a strip club for two years

And I still find glitter
in the weirdest places.

That is so funny.
So do I.

You know, I really
have to get going,

But I would love
to get together
and catch up more.

- How about Wednesday?
- You got it.

Oh, before you go.

I'm doing a little survey.
Finish this sentence for me.

A relationship
is like a shark because...

Because they're both
awesome in hawaii.

(chuckles)

How about Tuesday?

(theme music playing)

I know this sounds crazy,
but I had a huge crush

On hope when she was
in my therapy group.

But I was a complete
professional and I put
those feelings aside.

I don't think it's crazy.

It's a plot from a bad porno,
but not crazy.

I think I might have
a future with her.

There's the crazy part.
I knew you'd get there.

You do realize that
the american psychological

Association has a guideline
that you have to wait

At least five years before
you date an ex-patient?

I checked my notes.
It's been four years,
six months, and seven days.

Did you check your notes
or were you checking the marks

You scratched on the wall
with a nail?

But this five-year thing--

I mean, there's some wiggle
room there, don't you think?

Like the expiration date
on milk.

If you don't follow
the guidelines, you could have
your license taken away.

So I'll be friends
with hope for six months,
then everything's fine.

You'll chug that expired milk
straight from the carton.

You can't be friends
with a woman without
sleeping with her.

Hey, you and I were friends
for eight years before
we started chugging.

Because I had self-control
and you had a wife.

Okay,
therapy session time-out.

- You're my friend, right?
- Yes, I am your friend.

Thank you, siri.

And you want me
to be happy, right?

Within reason.

And you don't want any type
of committed relationship.

- Nope.
- Well, then why shouldn't
I take a shot at hope?

- We have history.
- Because you're an idiot.
Time-in.

As your therapist,
I'm concerned about
your career.

When's the next time
you're gonna see hope?

Tomorrow.
Time-out.

We're going to trivia night
at the merry peasant.

You could've said that
within the context
of the session.

I got confused.

All right, slugger.
How about I grab a date,
swing by,

- And make sure everything
stays aboveboard?
- Sounds good.

So my therapist,
who I'm secretly
having sex with,

Is bringing a clueless date
to meet my former patient

Who doesn't know
that I'm secretly
attracted to her.

Yup, everything's
aboveboard.

I must warn you,
I am pretty good
at bar trivia.

Especially sports
and entertainment.

Well, I am great
on geography.

I stripped my way
across six continents.

Wow, you're like a hot
"dora the explorer."

Gracias, carlos.

You know,
I've been wondering

What happens when someone
becomes an ex-patient?

Is there some sort of
grace period

Before you're allowed to
hit it?

You mean some
relationship purgatory

Where the therapist
is stuck waiting
and waiting--

Just counting the days
to pounce?

That is unsavory.

- Kate, hi.
- Charlie, hi.

Hi. I'm kate wales.
This is tom.

- Oh, my god.
- Oh.

Well, you two
know each other.

Yes. Oh, this is
so weird.

Tom was my
therapist, too.

Yeah, but that was almost
five years ago.

You know,
you look incredible.

As does kate.
Your date.

No, no.
This is sweet.

Hope's obviously excited
to see her

Second therapist.

Charlie was my
anger therapist

At the same time
I was seeing tom
for my phobias.

But I never thought
you guys would meet.

Yeah, the phobia guys
are a little scared
of the anger guys.

And between you and me,
that really pisses us off.

It's a little embarrassing
having two people

At the same table
who know all my secrets.

I feel kind of naked.

Oh, no.
There's no shame
in being vulnerable.

Or naked.

Or inappropriate,
apparently.

Well, I'm gonna run
to the ladies' room
before the game starts.

- Be right back.
- Okay.

Really?

So, tom.

When was the last time
you saw hope professionally?

Oh, geez. Four years,
eight months ago.

I never thought
I'd see her again
and then here she is.

Four months before
the deadline.

Oh, this is fate.

Someone up there wants me
to bag it and tag it.

- What did you just say?
- Oh, please.

I knew this night
would be a disaster
when you opened the door

With that sour expression
and the wool turtleneck.

So you're actually
counting down the days

Until you can prey
on the affections of
a former patient?

- I should call
the ethics board on you.
- Oh, and say what?

I'm guilty of nothing
except having a heart
and a soul.

I'll hide my intentions
until it's appropriate
to tell her.

About two months
before you do.

- Excuse me?
- That-- that is a mouth
full of voodoo.

I will play trivia
with you, sir,

But you are a friend
to no one at this table.

Hey, charlie.
Sam left her flash drive here.
We'll be out in a second.

Oh, my god.
What are you doing?

Why are you
lighting candles
in the house?

It's aromatherapy, sam.
It helps me relax.

It's an open flame
with only wax to keep it

From setting fire
to everything
in the house.

Yeah, it's a candle.

What do you think people did
before electricity?

Died in fires.

Okay,
so who is she?

Her name is hope.
She's an ex-patient.

She's coming by to pick up
a book and this is
the first chance

You're allowed to date
your ex-patients?
That's creepy.

Well, it's only creepy
for the first five years.

In about six months
it gets upgraded to awesome.

You better be careful,
charlie.

You don't wanna
jeopardize your job.

I won't.
She's just coming by
to pick up a book.

What's with the candles?

Hey, abraham lincoln
lit candles

And he didn't bang everybody
that walked into his cabin.

I'm serious.
I've been there.

When I was a teenager,

I lost a job for
"fraternizing" at work.

We weren't even
fraternizing-fraternizing.

We were just
dry fraternizing.

- (doorbell rings)
- I just wanna get one
last look before it's gone.

We used to put
the christmas tree
right over there.

Sam, please.

They're just candles.
Your dad will put them out.

Don't forget to put them out.
Text me when they're out.

Hey, hope.

Hey, hope you're
not staying.

- Charlie, this is my friend.
- Dr. Leslie moore.

I used to be
hope's psychiatrist.
Good to meet you.

Psychiatrist?

You didn't mention
you had another shrink

Other than the other shrink
you didn't mention.

Oh, I didn't do therapy
with hope, per se.

I was her
psychopharmacologist.

I prescribed
her medication.

I know what
a psychopharmacologist is.

We bumped into
each other

About a month ago
at the gym.

I hope you don't mind,
but he insisted on coming
to meet you.

Big baseball fan.

- I'm gonna go get
some glasses, okay?
- Okay.

Uh, please.

- So you're a big
baseball fan, huh?
- Yeah, love baseball.

Second base,
the gloves...
All of it.

I bet you love it
when the catcher

Blocks home plate
so the other guy
can't score.

I just enjoy
the competition.

I see.

So how long have you been
hope's glorified drug dealer?

I'm partially joking,
of course.

Well, I haven't written
hope a prescription

In almost five years.

How long would you say
it is exactly?

Well, let's see.

November was zoloft.
30 days hath celexa,

All the rest have 31--
four years and 11 months.

This won't make
any sense to you,
but you're in the lead.

Oh, and before I forget.

I'm having a little birthday
get-together Saturday
at the merry peasant.

Charlie,
you have to come.

Leslie set up
a whole karaoke night

Because he knows
I love it.

Yes,
that's right,
charlie.

I actually listened
when she talked.

I'm a listener.

She paid you
to listen.

Well, sometimes
I listened for free.

- Right, hope.
- Oh, you psycho...

Pharmacologist.

Oh, leslie,
which is sometimes
a man's name.

Here we go.
One copy of
"eat pray love."

Took five years,
but it finally got us
back together.

How ironic.
I'm the one who actually
gave her this book.

It's quite a read.

The eating,
the praying...

All of it.

Must have meant a lot to her
'cause she left it here.

So are all of
your ex-therapists

Coming to this
karaoke thing?

Of course.
You guys are awesome.

I can't believe
you're all single.

Really?
You can't believe
leslie's single?

The hair, the face...
All of it.

All right, let's check in
and see how you guys did
with your lima bean plants.

- Wayne, where's yours?
- I killed it.

Why would you do that?

Well, it was taking
too long.

I got things to do.

I decided to become
a manager of a boy band

Without them knowing it.

Well, that's--
that's very ambitious,

But this experiment
was about learning
the value of patience.

Oh, you didn't need
to give us a bean plant
to teach us patience.

You could have just said,
"ooh, you in jail."

Charlie's saying
how good things come
to those who wait.

Like this guy
I wanna shank.

However, delaying it
till he's outta solitary

Will make it all
the more gratifying,

Shankwise.

Really close, donovan,
really close.

But I think you're confusing
delayed gratification

With lying in wait.

Besides,
you're not killing anybody.
We're sticking to the plan.

We serve our time,
we get out, and we open
our antique shop...

Both:
...In akron.

What-- what cleo just said

Is a great example
of delayed gratification.

I can't delay
my gratification.

Our showers
aren't that long.

I'm talking about
relationships.

As a matter of fact,
I'm dealing with my own

Delayed
gratification issues.

I knew it.

There's some hot piece
you wanna tap,

But you gotta wait for it.

You know,
ernesto...

Yes.

Well, if you want it,
don't wait too long.

Somebody else
is gonna bone it

And own it.

Actually, I'm more worried
that someone's gonna rent it
and dent it.

But I gotta do something.
I just don't wanna hurt
my career.

Charlie,
love is more important
than any career.

And I say that
as a successful manager
of boy bands.

Now, in all my years
of home invasion, no one
ever said to me,

"please, don't
shoot me, mister.
I got work tomorrow."

It's always,
"I got a wife and kids."

Makes you reassess
what's important in life.

Words of wisdom, wayne.

Terrifying, disturbing,
unmedicated words of wisdom.

- Hey, tom, leslie.
- Hey.

You guys ready
to karaoke?

By the way,
"the girl is mine,"
is mine.

Dr. Rita
freudenberger, md,

- Phd.
- Oh, for the love of god.

I was hope's
feminist therapist.

My practice combines
traditional talk therapy

With a radical methodological
approach to psychology

That questions
patriarchal assumptions.

I want her so much.

I have a proposal.

As psychologists,
we're all familiar
with platt's concept

Of the social trap
where individuals
acting selfishly

Harm the group as a whole,
so I suggest we suspend
our campaigns

Just for tonight
and celebrate hope's
birthday with dignity.

- Fine.
- Fine.

I'm too drunk
to get it up anyway.

That's the kind of dignity
I'm looking for.

First round's on me.

Can we get a pitcher
of margaritas, please?

Did you get the flowers
and the plane tickets to maui?

I gotta say,
I'm impressed,
charlie.

This is a pretty
bold move.

Throwing a hail mary
here, brett.

I'm breaking all the rules,
but if I don't seal
the deal tonight,

She could wind up
with one of these bozos.

You know, I think
this is the most
romantic thing

That's ever happened
in this bar.

Except for things
that have happened
on this bar.

I wouldn't tell
the health inspector.

It was with
the health inspector.

How do you think
we got a "b"?

Thanks.

Here we go,
everybody.

- Hi, everybody.
- Hey, the birthday
girl's here.

- I'd like to propose a toast.
- I'm sorry, charlie,

But something
really important
just happened

- That I have to tell
you all about.
- Okay, okay.

Just remember,
after you tell us,

It's birthday toast
and the spanking machine.

Charlie,
I've been seeing
a hypnotherapist.

- Another therapist?
- Yes.

And right before
I came here,

He helped me recover
a traumatic memory.

I discovered that

My former hypnotherapist
groped me while I was under.

Now, I know it is going
to take years

For me to
work through this,

But I'm so glad
that tonight

I am with
the four people

Who make me feel
truly safe

And who I know

Would never
take advantage of me.

I'm sorry.
I need a moment.

(laughs)
yikes.

I guess we better cancel
the spanking machine.

I'm out of here.

Look, I don't wanna seem
insensitive here,

But was that a "I'm never
gonna have sex again grope"

Or "I'm not gonna have sex
for six months grope"?

Are you kidding me?
What is wrong with you people?

I'm just saying
as a phobia therapist,

I think I still have
a shot with her.

I did get her
to hold a snake.

You're a disgrace.
You're all disgraces.

- We need to figure out
a way to help this woman.
- You're right.

I think she needs
another woman to go
talk to her.

Don't let the door
hit you in the penises
on the way out.

No, no, no, no, no.

We're gonna stay here,
we're gonna make her
feel safe,

And we're gonna try
and salvage what's left
of her birthday.

And you know how?

We're all gonna pitch
in to buy her some flowers

And send her on
a nice vacation
to maui.

I'll put it on my card
if you guys just give me
the cash.

- Oh, my god.
That poor girl.
- I know. It's horrible.

Well, at least she got
a free trip to maui

That no one else
pitched in on.

I still don't
understand why you took
this whole thing so far.

I was frustrated.
I thought I found
someone who knew me.

That I could
have a future with.

You don't find
that every day.

Oh, so it was about me.

No, it wasn't.

Okay. Come here
and I'll give you
a therapeutic hug.

I don't want one of your
cold, machine-like hugs.

I want somebody
who knows me,
who likes me,

Who's ready
to make a commitment.

Well, charlie.
I know you and I like you.

And?

And I'm willing
to be your friend

And have sex
with you until you find
this mystery woman.

Thanks.

However long it takes.
Okay, time's up. Leave.

Wait a minute,
you just said however
long it takes.

- It could take forever.
- We're done for today.

I have another client.
Look in the lobby, maybe
your mystery girl's there.

Go, run!

- (sighs)
- (knocks on door)

What if I've already met
my mystery girl?

You haven't.