Anger Management (2012–2014): Season 2, Episode 13 - Charlie and Lacey Piss Off the Neighborhood - full transcript

So, Patrick, just to recap, you like this guy,
but his shoes were the deal breaker?

They were Birkenstocks.

I think the company's motto
is "Never In Style."

Man sandals are a petty and shallow reason

to break up with somebody, but...
Totally understandable.

You shoulda just gone online to find out

what kind of shoes the guy buys
before you went out with him.

I don't think that kind of information
exists online, Nolan.

Oh, I think it does,

Mr. Emergency Room Visit,
spring break, 1986.

Smashed a bottle of beer on your head.



It was spring training, 1988,

and I could've sworn I was still
wearing my batting helmet.

What the hell are you doing
poking around in my life for?

I was downloading Lacey's
high school transcripts

and I had some spare time.

By the way, she got a D in Sex Ed.

Wow, even with all that extra credit.

- I know, I know, I'm late.
- You're late, huh?

Couldn't mean an egg
has taken root in your uterus.

Of course, you'd have known that
if you hadn't slept through class.

Not today, old man.

- You okay, Lace?
- No.

My car was sticking out, like, an inch
into your jerkwad neighbor's driveway,

and the old dude said if I didn't move it,
he would have me towed.



- Did you move your car?
- Yeah, into his trash can,

then over his trash can,
then over his other trash can.

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

So you got angry, had an angry outburst,

and now you don't want to talk
about your anger in anger therapy?

Cool, so you get it?

Come on, Lacey.
We're going back there to apologize.

Why? He started it.

That sounds like school yard logic to me.

- Does not.
- Does, too.

Okay, we're going.

You had a setback,
you need to make amends. Come on.

No, I already made amends
with my god, and he's forgiven me.

You're a Hindu.
Which god are you talking about?

I don't know, there's like 5,000 of them.
I'm sure one of them's cool with it.

- Mr. Hoffler?
- Yes, sir?

Charlie Goodson, I live two houses down.

I remember you.

You're the guy that likes
to throw crap into the wind

just to see where it will land.

Okay, first of all, that wasn't
my candy wrapper on your lawn,

as we discussed for a solid hour last week.

But that's not why I'm here.

I don't know if this is your girlfriend or not,

but she's the one
that drove over my trash cans,

which, by the way, would be a great
place to put your candy wrappers.

Look, I'm a therapist, and Lacey
is part of an anger management group

that meets at my house once a week.

Anger management?

Isn't that where the courts send those
asswipe celebrities and overpaid jocks

so they can learn to control their temper?

I Wish.

Wait a second here.

You're telling me
that you're bringing violent lunatics

into our neighborhood every day
and you're having meetings at your house?

- They're not violent lunatics.
- Oh, yeah?

What did you do to get
into this group, sweetie pie?

The court sent me there. I'm on probation.

- That's none of his business, Lacey.
- No, I'm not hiding anything.

His imagination is probably worse
than anything I did.

I shot my boyfriend in the balls.

Oh, my Holy Mary, mother of God.

Sounds bad out of context.

What context?
Did his balls pull a knife on her?

No, they complained that
I parked in their driveway.

Are you threatening me?

Obviously not. You don't have any balls.

Okay, all right, well,
that's our apology, so we're gonna go.

Good, at least this time
you're taking your trash with you.

You douche nozzle!

- Douche nozzle?
- It... It's not what you think.

It's "Du schnuzzel. "

It's German for "Our noses,
may they always meet in peace."

Du schnuzzell

Okay... Here's what I picked up.

His and hers sensual lubricant.

This one gives you
an invigorating warming sensation

and this one gives me
a thrilling tingling sensation,

and when we combine them, voila,
our genitals become the Wonder Twins.

- What'd you get?
- Was I supposed to get something?

Duh, that was the plan.

I'm just joking with ya,
of course I got you something.

I got you a...

Sex whisk.

- You forgot?
- No, I'm just playing with ya.

What I got you is...

Sticky sex notes.

So I can remember
all the things I want to do to you.

"Patent the sex whisk."

It wasn't a pretty dress.

It looked like something
you'd bury Snow White in.

The only reason you didn't like it
is because I picked it out.

What's going on?

I spent two weeks trying to help this little...

Daughter of ours
buy a dress for Junior Prom.

Carter McGarry asked me to go
and he's really cute.

Do you see anything wrong
with a dress like this?

No, no, it's great if you want to wear
a pile of napkins covered in glitter barf.

That's what I said.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.
The prom is Saturday night.

What about this one
with the sweetheart neckline?

Of course, you'd have to
lose a couple of the bows

and the pouty-looking gay dude
in the background...

I'd love something like that.

Can you come shopping with us right now?

Why are we dragging Kate into this?
She hasn't done anything to us.

No, it's fine.

If Sam wants an extra set of eyes,
I'd be happy to help.

Are you sure? I gotta warn you.

This isn't just shopping with a teenage girl
this is shopping with the devil.

Yeah, Charlie, I know what it's like.
I used to be a teenage girl.

Are you sure? I can't picture that.

I thought you came out of
the robot factory just like that.

So you'll come?

Yeah, I know prom's a special time.

I don't want to intrude on any
cherished mother-daughter moment.

Doesn't matter. I'm dead inside.

You're driving.

I know you're a curious little monkey boy,

but don't get any of that
stuff near your eyes.

It burns like pepper spray.

And I'm supposed
to put this on my genitals?

Yes.

Hey-

Don't you knock?

Have you... Nice lube.

Have you seen this?

Hoffler's saying the people in your group
are a threat to the neighborhood.

- Doesn't want them meeting in your house.
- Man, this guy's really got it out for me.

You know, you could always
spray this stuff in his eyes.

Trust me, it's like pepper spray.

"Mr. Goodson's house has become
a de facto mental institution

"for antisocial, unstable, and
potentially dangerous individuals."

What a douche nozzle.

Douche nozzle.
Is that worse than a douche bag?

I don't know, it's not important.

You know what?
Maybe the nozzle is worse than the bag.

Would you stop?

You live right between me and Hoffler.

I need you to go over there and tell him
that my patients don't cause any trouble.

- I'd love to.
- Thank you.

If I didn't have plans to build
a Jacuzzi that crosses onto his property.

Are you serious? This is about a Jacuzzi?

Come on. Who was there for you
when you got stuck in your doggy door?

Okay, I get it.

But I need a Jacuzzi.
I don't get a lot of girls, Charlie.

My only game is close-up magic.
Close-up magic does not work.

Yep, you do need a Jacuzzi.

- Here, try this one on.
- That looks good.

Of course she likes it. You picked it.

Maybe she likes it 'cause it's a nice dress.

Oh, please.
I know what a nice dress looks like.

I went to five proms in a row.

That's right, graduation didn't stop me.

I think you're placing a little too much value
on this prom thing.

It's just a misogynistic parade
of conformity that rewards blondeness.

Damn straight. Best five nights of my life.

Let me guess, you were
one of those dark goth girls

who was too cool to go to prom?

No, I was going to, but I was smoking
pot with Morrissey at The Roxy.

Lost track of time.

- Let's go.
- What about the dress?

Ruby texted me.

She saw Carter at Cold Stone
making out with Eva Pizzoli.

Honey, I'm so sorry.

I know it's lame, but I really wanted to go.

It's not lame. You should go...
In a revenge dress.

Oh, my gosh. Yes, a revenge dress.

And then when you walk into the gym,
it's like record scratch.

- Slow mo.
- Everyone turns.

Carter's head explodes.

And then you go to The Roxy.

No, you don't.

I don't want you guys to be alarmed,

but these are the flyers
that my neighbor's been circulating.

Oh, my God.

There's unstable and potentially
dangerous people in the neighborhood?

We should get out of here.

Those people are us,
you unstable dumb-ass.

Wait a minute. Hoffler?

That stick-in-the-mud down the street?

Every day when I pass his house,
I throw my candy wrappers on his lawn.

Drives him crazy.

Yeah, I heard.

The way I see it, we have two options.

I can either relocate to an office...

- Close to my house.
- I don't know, Ed...

- I'm not paying for parking.
- That's not the point, Patrick.

Will there be a Starbucks?
'Cause I hate your coffee.

Or we could stand together,

let these people know
that we are no different than they are

and we have every right
to meet in this neighborhood.

- We?
- Hey, I have anger issues.

I've lived with the stigma. I'm just like you.

Except I am allowed to fly on Southwest,
Jet Blue, and Air Israel.

- So what do you guys think?
- Let's give him hell.

- Yeah, let's do it.
- Good, good.

Wait, wait.
So why are you banned from Air Israel?

It was an honest mistake.

I'd just assumed
they were called Jewardesses.

Here we go. Thanks for coming.
Enjoy the brunch.

In a few minutes, I'll do a Q&A

to put everybody's mind at ease
about my group.

Sorry I'm late. What's the plan?

Just get in there and mingle.

Be very sweet.

Then when I reveal
that you guys are my patients,

everyone will realize you're not a threat.

Got it. Okay, does this outfit make me look

antisocial, unstable,
or potentially dangerous?

No, I think it hides it very well.

Hi, I'm Lacey.

I'm new to the neighborhood.

Hi, I'm Chad and this is my wife Shelly.

- Hi.
- How do you do?

Did you just curtsy?

A little.

Well, Mary Anne and Delondroy,
you're preaching to the choir on that one.

I mean, I believe we should spend more

of our taxpayers' money to support the arts.

Now, if that little rainbow baby of yours

grows up and wants to be a rapper
or a full-time sidewalk artist,

I would be thrilled to work harder
and take home much, much less.

No,no,no,no.
That does not look too tight on you at all.

I mean, if you got it, flaunt it,

and you, sweetheart,
have a... You have a lot of it.

I'm not worried about
the anger management groups.

What concerns me is the proliferation
of the medical marijuana dispensaries.

Talk about a suspicious-looking
group of people.

And the lines.

Hey, everybody.
I want to thank you all for coming.

I'm Charlie Goodson
and I've got a little surprise for you.

Some of the people you've been
mingling with are not your neighbors.

They're actually members
of my anger management group.

Now, contrary to the lies
circulated by Mr. Hoffler,

only one of them
has any history of a violent crime.

Fooled you.

Guys, come on up here. Come on.

Now, these are good and decent people.
You've enjoyed their company all morning,

so please think about that when
you're asked to sign the petition.

Hello, Chucky. I knew I'd find you here.

In my house? You're a genius.

- What do you want?
- Justice.

One of your sickos spray-painted
"douche nozzle" on my garage door.

And I'm pretty sure I know who did it.

Are you blaming me, douche nozzle?

I rest my case.

Everybody, enjoy yourselves.
There's plenty of champagne and tuna.

Okay, I just have one thing to say.
I did not write "Douche nozzle"

on that douche nozzle's house, even though
all you douche nozzles think I did.

Nobody's making any judgments here.

I am.

Because of her, I wasted an hour
spewing hippie garbage at Ore and O.

This is crazy.

I swear to God I didn't do it.
Why don't you guys believe me?

I believe you, Lacey.

Why don't you guys believe me?

Look, everybody, I'll figure this out.
It's all gonna be fine.

I'll see everybody Tuesday... Somewhere.

Lacey, can I see you for a second?

If you're trying to make me feel better

about those guys turning on me,
it's sweet, but forget it.

Do you have any Kahlua?

Lacey, Kahlua isn't gonna
help with your frustration.

Oh, my God, you're right.
I should have tequila.

Lacey, you know I'm on your side, right?

At least somebody is.
Rum. That's like pirate tequila.

And we're all working
to keep the group in this house

and maintain our dignity.

It's below the label,
so I'm just gonna chug it.

Lacey, come on, come on.

You got here late.
You called Hoffler a douche nozzle.

Wait, you don't believe me?

- Lacey“.
- You don't, do you?

Oh, my God.

As your therapist,
I cannot help you with your anger issues

unless you're honest with me.

You know what?
I may have to go to your group

'cause the court says so,
but that's all I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna sit there and stare blankly.

Oh, come on.
I don't really believe you'd do that.

See? You don't believe anything I say.

I just want you to be honest with yourself.

- You want me to be honest?
- Yes.

You suck.

Okay, that I believe.

Well, it's been three hours.

You think Sam's revenge dress worked?

Are you kidding me? She looked so hot,

we might've screwed up
this boy's life for good.

You know, it really meant a lot to me

that you helped slut up
my daughter for the prom.

I have to be honest.

Shopping for dresses with you guys

kinda made me feel like
I missed out on going to my prom.

Well, since we're being honest,
you didn't miss much.

Just lots of slow dancing to Journey,

some sweaty boy
trying to press his junk up against your leg.

That sounds horrible.

So we agree prom night blows.

It's the worst.

Oh, my God.

That was the best night of my entire life.
Carter was staring at me the whole time.

Thank you guys so much.

Oh, that's so wonderful, honey.

- Good for you.
- Thank you.

I think she's miserable.

Yeah, she just doesn't know it yet.

- Drinks at The Roxy?
- Yes, I'll call a cab.

Full disclosure... It wasn't Morrissey,
it was the other dude from Wham!

Hey, Charlie.

I heard about what happened at the brunch.

Yeah, it was bad.

I've been calling my neighbors all night,
trying to get them to change their minds.

- What was Lacey thinking?
- Maybe she wasn't thinking.

Maybe she was a little drunk
and finally had enough

of that fascist son of a bitch Hoffler

when he told her that
she can't have her oversized hot tub.

You wrote "Douche nozzle"?
Lacey's being blamed for it.

I... I know, I know. I'm sorry.

Look, I'll just go tell Hoffler that I did it.

No, it won't help. He knows you're my friend

and he'll think
you're covering for the group.

I can't believe you did this.

I'm sorry.

I just snapped.

I can't go back to the magic, Charlie.

You ruined a relationship
with one of my patients.

And you know what? Your magic sucks.

It's always the ace of spades,

I can see the coin in your hand,
and you use a fake thumb.

Oh, my God. How do you know that?

Because you're black and the thumb isn't.

You cannot take a white thumb
and color it with a Magic Marker.

And by the way, that marker?

The closest you'll ever get to magic.

What do you want?
I'm getting ready to go out.

I found out you didn't do it.

Oh, you know who'd be interested?

- The door.
- No, no, no. Lace, Lace, Lace, Lace.

I'm sorry. I should've never
assumed you were guilty.

I want you to know that not once

since I've been in your group
have I ever lied to you.

In fact,
I tell you embarrassing things about myself,

like I didn't wear underwear
to my assault hearing,

hoping the judge would drop the charges.

I already knew that 'cause
the judge wrote in your file,

"The defendant shows no remorse,
but did show a lot of other stuff."

I don't think we have
anything else to talk about.

Yes, we do.

I believe that you never
lied to me in therapy.

And even though you got some issues,

I think you've made a lot of progress
in the last 11 months.

So, here.

What is this?

I spoke to your probation officer
and got you out of anger therapy early.

You're kidding me. So, I'm done?

Signed it this morning. It's all legal.

Guess this is goodbye.

I guess so.

You know, when I think about
that angry young woman

that walked through my door...

Yep, that's the one.

So when are we gonna move to these offices

that you swear to God
will be close to my house?

Still looking, Ed.

Well, you can stop looking.

Once again my lack of social skills

and excessive amount of time
on the Internet has paid off.

I dug up some really sketchy dirt on Hoffler.

No, no, no, we're not
gonna use personal attacks

to blackmail this guy
into letting us stay here.

We're gonna take the high road.

You're probably right.

Besides, who's gonna care that
he built a sex dungeon in his basement?

On the other hand,
the low road is a lot less congested.

All right, we've got that taken care of.
We can begin the meeting.

Where the hell's Gunga Dim?

Lacey will no longer be joining us.

So you kicked her out of the group?

Actually, it turns out she didn't do it.

We had a long talk and I signed her release
so she could finish therapy a month early.

If you're writing letters, write one for me.

Tell my wife I'm dead so I can start a new life

in Corpus Christi
and fulfill my lifetime dream.

What dream is that?

To leave my wife
and move to Corpus Christi.

I can't believe this.

So she's just out there all alone
feeling like we betrayed her?

Well, I'm not just gonna sit here.

I don't care
if I have to search the ends of the Earth.

I'm gonna find... I found her.

Don't touch me, tool.

Well, we may have falsely accused her,
but we didn't break her spirit.

I gotta say, Lace,
I'm surprised to see you here.

So am I, but I woke up this morning

and I realized that when you called
me a liar, I didn't lash out at you

or do anything violent like I usually do,

so I figured I must be improving.

And that's why you came back?

Yeah.

That and last night,
someone else called me a liar,

and I knocked that skank out
with my absolutely real Chanel bag.

Well, they say that relapse
is a part of recovery.

So let's hope that skank
has a speedy recovery.