Anger Management (2012–2014): Season 2, Episode 12 - Charlie Gets Lindsay Lohan Into Trouble - full transcript

Lindsay Lohan hires Charlie to be her anger management therapist on the set of a commercial, but Charlie winds up sleeping with her and gets her in trouble after the paparazzi get a hold of it.

It's all your fault, Charlie!
I wish I'd never met you!

- I'm sorry, Lindsay.
- No... God.

I guess I'm just worried
that robots will take over

because they think humans
are a bunch of easily distracted idiots.

And why don't you ever have donuts?

Yeah, let's get some donuts in here.

You're not here for donuts.
You're here to get help with your anger.

Seriously, Charlie, get some
of those little powdered ones.

I love to lick the powder off
and then give the rest to the homeless.

Well, remember you're modeling
my dress at design school next week

and right now, you fit into it perfectly,
so you can't gain an ounce.



The only thing you're allowed to do
is lick some homeless guy's donut.

Okay, for the love of God,
would somebody please say something

that will take our minds off
of what we're all thinking?

I will. According to TMZ,

Lindsay Lohan's gonna have
an anger management therapist

on the set of her new commercial.

Apparently, they're afraid
she's going to lose it.

What in the hell is the matter
with all these stupid celebrities

who can't control themselves?

Why are you yelling at me?
How the hell would I know?

Yeah, Charlie only deals
with regular people.

For movie stars,
they bring in super qualified guys

who really know what they're doing.

Hey, hey, hey.
I am qualified to treat anybody.



I just can't always tell you guys
who all my patients are.

And for the record, I think it would
be healthy for Lindsay to have me...

I mean, somebody like me...

Who am I kidding? It's me.

Oh, my God!
You're gonna be Lindsay Lohan's therapist?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- You're a disgrace.
- Okay, look.

Lindsay's doing this big Japanese
commercial and her people contacted me

about being there for her
in case she needs my help.

Now I'm asking you all to be
very discreet about this.

And send.

I'm sorry, what were you saying?

Hi. I'm Lindsay Lohan.

And I love the taste of alcohol.

But sometimes bars close.

So how am I gonna get that taste
until they're open again?

Thank you, booze bear.

There's no alcohol in it,
so I won't get drunk.

But I still might wake up with a stranger.

What the... Now I'm having sex with a bear?

Are you kidding me? ...Really?

Cut.

What's wrong here?
We're gonna fall behind schedule.

- Would you give us a second, please?
- Fine.

But if she's not back on set in five minutes

doing exactly what's on these pages,
she's in breach of contract.

Sure, we wouldn't want to
jeopardize the good name

and artistic vision
of #1 Happy Whiskey Chew.

Look, I know you're probably
gonna think I'm some whiney,

spoiled actress,
but they changed the script on me.

So they added
that super creepy bear with the antlers?

Because that's pure
nightmare stuff right there.

All I agreed to do
was dress up like a Japanese schoolgirl,

and now I'm some drunk
who has sex with bears for gum.

- Are we ready?
- No.

This is humiliating and insulting,
and I don't wanna do it.

Hey, Goodson, I thought it was supposed
to be your job to make her happy?

Okay. Then this should make her happy,

I agree with her. She's right.

You lied to her. Her anger is totally justified.

You lied to her,
and you're exploiting her to sell gum.

Which, by the way, I tasted,

and I think is about the greatest thing ever.

That being said, still, if I were her, I'd...
Sorry, I'd tell you to go to hell.

I like you. Go to hell.

No,no,no.

I said if I were you.

You are you. I think we should take
a minute and think this through.

No, no, no. This feels right.

When they hired you, I was kind of upset.

But I think you're exactly what I need.

An enabler?

No, you seem like a good, normal guy.

Not one of those Hollywood party boys.

Douchebags.

- I hate those guys.
- Yeah.

You know what, Charlie?

I'm trying to break my old,
destructive habits,

and I think you're just the guy to help me.

That must have been pretty exciting for you.

Considering who I am and all.

No, seriously, I never thought
I'd sleep with a movie star.

Yeah.

And I never thought I'd be sleeping
with a therapist from the Valley.

I think we're saying two different things.

Yeah, I think we are.

Hey, Charlie.

I brought over some more empty
bottles for Sam's recycling project.

These are from last night.

Somebody's gotten really serious
about his alcoholism.

Oh, no. Those are from my
book club for single moms.

That thing's finally paying off.

You remember that woman I told you about?
Two kids, sells power tools at Sears.

- The one with the big feet?
- Yup.

Those giant flippers
were up in the air last night

waving like palm trees in the wind.

- Hi, Charlie.
- Hi, sweetie.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Tell me more about Sears girl.

That was Lindsay Lohan.

Did you know she was here?

Yes, but don't be jealous.

This doesn't take anything away from
your sasquatch girl from book club.

Are these Lindsay Lohan's sunglasses?

- Can I have 'em?
- No, no.

She needs these to hide in public.

Why? 'Cause she's dating you?

We're not dating.
I mean, I like her, but who knows?

It'll never work out.

- Celebrities and regular people don't mix.
- You don't know that.

Let me tell you something
I learned about celebrities last night.

They're just like regular people.

They take my pants off one leg at a time.

God, it's so peaceful here.
How 'bout we just stay in bed all day?

I would, but I have to go to prison.

- For how long?
- About an hour.

You have a great lawyer.

No,no,no.
I have an anger therapy group there.

We meet once a week.

Could I... Could I maybe come with you?

Because I still have
community service left to do,

and speaking at a prison
would definitely knock off an hour or two.

I could call them
and see if it's all right if I bring you. Sure.

I don't think it should be a problem.
They know me at all the prisons and jails.

You don't know how long
I've waited for a girl to say that.

So what I've learned is,
if you just take the time

to think before you speak,
it can really improve your life.

I'm not a cannibal,
that's not why I'm in here,

but I bet you'd taste like raspberries.

Thank you.

You see, Wayne, that's exactly the opposite

of what she was saying
about thinking before you speak.

I thought about it.

I've been thinking about it ever since she sat
her sweet little raspberry body in that chair.

Sorry, that one I did not think about.

Anybody have any appropriate
questions about what they've heard?

Oh, yes. First of all, Miss Lohan,

I've seen Freaky Friday 400,000 times.

- Let's just get that off the table.
- Thank you.

And, second of all,
how do you get your eyes like that?

They always look so twinkly and cute.
Even when you draggin' ass.

I use this eyeliner pen.

I can't get eyeliner in here.

You got any tips on using
cockroach dust and toilet water?

Okay, I think Lindsay has to go now, guys.

All right, thank you, guys.

And by the way, if anybody asks,
I was here for the full hour.

Charlie, I think I speak for the entire group

when I say that
we would all like to say some

very dirty things about Miss Lohan.

But we will refrain
from that if you are currently...

How can I put this delicately?

Jammin' her.

Thank you for the courtesy, Donovan,
and, yes, there's definitely an attraction.

I just don't know if I'm ready to pursue it.

I barely know her and I'm just not that sure

if celebrities and regular people
mix all that well.

Is it because of all the things
the press says about Lindsay?

You can't believe everything you read.
They said I stabbed a guy 100 times.

I stabbed him maybe 50 at the most.

Liars.

The newspapers accused me
of assault with a deadly weapon.

It wasn't deadly. I missed.

Charlie? Sorry to interrupt, everyone.

Someone from the press

found out about what happened
on the commercial yesterday.

"Svengali shrink
out to destroy LiLo's career."

I bet it was that panda.

I told you he was a nightmare.

- Is your family here yet?
- They're on their way.

Great. See, this is exactly what I need.

Sitting around with normal people,
having a normal dinner, living a normal life.

Oh, my God.

Bergiere's letting me borrow
their $20,000 dress tomorrow.

Oh, my God!

Big Lots is letting me wear
their $4 socks I bought there.

Seriously, it's a big
charity event tomorrow night.

Do you wanna come?

Maybe at the end of the night,
I'll let you take off my dress.

And then maybe I'll let you, Lindsay Lohan,
take off my socks.

Okay, they're here.

- Just give me a minute to freshen up.
- You got it.

- Hey.
- Hey, Dad.

- Is she here yet?
- She'll be down in a minute.

Hello, Charlie.

I know that tone.

That's the "I don't approve of Charlie's
hot new movie star girlfriend" tone.

It's not that.

I know things about her. I read, Charlie.

Us Weekly, Star, The Enquirer, People.

Every once in a while,
you might want to mix in a book.

The "100 Sexiest People" issue is this thick.

It's almost like a book.

Just give her a chance.

The girl is trouble.

It's gonna embarrass Sam,

and I don't want our daughter to suffer
the negative consequences of your actions.

Negative consequences?
Yesterday, nobody knew my name.

Now I'm that weird short girl

whose dad is dating Lindsay Lohan.
Thanks, Dad.

You hear that? And just remember, Jen,

when you and I first started dating,
you had a reputation, too.

Because I was sleeping with you!

I didn't judge you.

Do you know her history?
She parties too much.

She gets into fights.
The woman has stolen things.

We don't know what's true and what isn't.

I heard a story about a guy
who stabbed somebody 100 times.

Turns out it was only 50.
Now everybody's afraid of that guy.

You're just being seduced by the fact

that she's a celebrity,
and that's sad and shallow.

- Hey, everybody.
- Oh, my God.

You're even prettier in person.

I'm so sad and shallow.

Lindsay, this is my daughter,
Sam, and her mother, Jennifer.

- Hi. Nice to meet you.
- Will you take a picture with me?

I need to prove you were here so everyone
at school will keep talking to me.

- Sure.
- Would you mind signing an autograph

-on a napkin or something for me, please?
- Sure.

- Yeah, there's a pen in my purse.
- Okay.

My God, I'm putting my hand
into Lindsay Lohan's purse.

And now I'm pulling out
my daughter's sunglasses.

- How did those get in there?
- That was me, Jen.

I saw them on the counter, I thought they
were Lindsay's, so I put them in her purse.

- That must be it.
- Yeah. It is it.

Just so you both know, I speak... Too,

and I didn't steal anybody's sunglasses.

Come on, Sam. We should leave.

You gotta be kidding me.

Thank you so much
for stealing my sunglasses.

Best day ever!

Before you say anything,
you should know that my ex-wife thinks

that all my girlfriends
are thieves, so it's cool.

No, it's not.
I really wanted your family to like me.

That's so sweet.

You know what?
I think someone just stole my heart.

Too soon?

Coming.

He broke up with me.

'Who?
-Ryan.

He was supposed to break up with his wife.

Okay, I know you're going
through a lot right now,

and I'm really glad you came,

but we need to get this dress on you,
sweetheart, okay?

Take off your clothes.

That's the second to the last thing
he ever said to me.

I understand.

Come on. I'll help.

- What are you doing?
- I'm calling Ryan.

Hello?

Who is this? Hi, Tyler.

Can I talk to your daddy?

- You don't wanna do that.
- Shut up!

Okay.

When he gets back, will you tell him

that he's a piece of garbage
and he deserves your mommy?

Thank you, honey.

You're okay. You're gonna be okay.

But we don't have a lot of time,
so let's get you into this.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

Come on. All right.

You ate!

Of course I ate!
Weren't you listening to me? I got dumped!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- What did you eat?
- I had pie!

- How many pieces?
- I don't know!

How many pieces are in a pie?

All right, I can fix this.
I'm gonna have to touch your butt now.

That's how Ryan and I met.

Okay. All right.
All right, just arch your back.

The clasp... I just gotta get... Okay.
Now, I'm just gonna get the zipper.

- It's never gonna zip.
- You know what?

It doesn't matter.

What happened to you is what matters.

You are special and beautiful.

And we just...

We have to get you to stop crying.

All right, now just take a deep breath.

Thank you, Patrick.

See, you're feeling better already.

Now just take another breath... Even deeper.

Now!

- It's crushing my ribs.
- Do you like it?

I feel so pretty.

Charlie, thank you so much
for making me go to the grocery store.

I love to go, but I'm just always worried
the paparazzi are gonna mob me.

Well, you're in my world now.

Nothing bad's gonna happen
as long as you're with me.

What?

"LiLo steals sunglasses from mentally
disturbed high school student?"

I can't believe they can just lie like that.

She's not mentally disturbed,
she just has OCD.

Really? And I didn't steal anything.

Yeah. That, too.

Charlie, do you really think it's
a good idea that we're dating?

Are you kidding me?
We're having a fantastic time.

Look, we just went grocery shopping.

Yeah, I guess that is
one of the most normal things

I've done since I was in Parent Trap.

You want normal? I can line it up.
There's a post office, dry cleaner, Jiffy Lube.

Buckle in, babe.

You're about to go on the most
ordinary ride of your life.

That does sound pretty good.

Good? It's great. Look at these.

Powdered donuts.

They do look really good.

Close your eyes.

- Charlie...
- Close 'em.

Great. Thank you.

Thank you.
It really brings out my eyes, doesn't it?

- Yeah, it brings out your nose, actually.
- Thank you.

It's really good.

What do you say we take this box
of donuts upstairs and see what happens?

Coming up next,

Lindsay Lohan caught
in coke-fueled sex romp.

Next time, I'll buy chocolate.

- I got bad news.
- Don't tell me...

The place is surrounded by paparazzi.

I think I should go out there
and talk to them.

No, no, no. You have to have
a PR person write a statement.

That way if something goes bad,
you have someone to fire.

If it was me, I would just give
people uncensored honesty.

I think you just gotta lose the filter
and say whatever pops in your head.

What's the worst that could happen?

We have to find a way to get out of here,

and get to the charity event
'cause they're counting on me.

I promise, I will figure out a way
to get you there.

I am so sorry about all this.

Charlie, if there's
one thing you should know,

it's when a guy apologizes
to me, it's a real turnoff.

You mean like when I just said I was sorry?

That was not an apology.

That was me saying,
"I'm sorry, but you ain't gettin' no apology."

My God. There's a ton of people
with cameras out there.

It's like a Japanese Best Buy.

That's why I called Lacey. I need her help.

I didn't know you were all going
to Patrick's fashion show,

but good job for supporting him like that.

Charlie, you have to hear this story.

So, we finally get to my show
at the design school...

Can you make a long story short?

I lost to a jumpsuit.

Hey, Lindsay.

Lacey, Patrick, Ed, Nolan.
Guys, this is Lindsay.

- Hi.
- Lindsay Lohan, right?

- Yes, I am, sir.
- Nice to meet you.

- You, too.
- You're the problem with America.

Thank you. I get that a lot.

Don't listen to him.
He tells me the same thing every day,

which means you and I are like soul mates.

- Can we be besties?
- Probably not.

Yeah, I thought so, too. We're so much alike.

I hope so because I'm gonna
need you to go out there

and pretend to be Lindsay. Here, put this on.

- Charlie...
- Trust me, it's gonna work.

All she has to do is drive away,
the paparazzi will follow her,

then you and I can leave here
without being seen.

Wait, so, seriously, this is your plan?
This is what you're doing?

It's gonna be fine.

- Lacey, can you handle this?
- Hell, yeah.

- As soon as you pull away, we go.
- I got this.

Look at 'em pushing and shoving.

This is gonna test
all her anger management skills.

- Wait, she's in your group?
- Yeah. We all are.

So you're saying that you sent someone

with anger issues
into a crowd of paparazzi as me?

Kind of.

She's been in therapy for a long time.
She's doing great.

- Oh, God.
- She's coming back.

Screw you!

I don't take crap from no one.
I'm Lindsay freakin' Lohan.

Don't worry, I'm protecting your rep.

Take a picture of this, you filthy animals!

We did it!

Yeah! Everyone thinks I'm Lindsay Lohan.

But I couldn't get to the car,
so now what do we do?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Lindsay, I am so sorry.
I mean, no, I'm not sorry.

I'm just gonna have to
go out there and face them.

You don't have to face them alone.
I'm here for you.

Hold on, hold on.
You got a little thread right here.

Let me just get that for you.

So, is it supposed to do that?

Lindsay...

- I... I'm sorry.
- No.

Don't move, don't talk and don't touch.

You're a nice guy,
but you're destroying my life.

So am I going to the event with you or not?

'Cause I rented this tux. I'm out 80 bucks.

Right.

Okay, let's get you out of here.
You can take my car.

Ed, call the cops on the paparazzi.

Patrick, can Lindsay borrow your dress?

Lindsay Lohan wearing my dress?
You heard him, tubby, take it off.

I really wish things
had worked out differently.

- We tried.
- If you ever need anything, call me.

Yeah, I already deleted you from my phone.

Smart.

Sorry about the mess in the backseat.
It's my kid's recycling project.

All right, you better get going.
You're going to be late.

You're all clear.

Look, the cops are here.

I can't believe Lindsay Lohan
got arrested wearing my dress.

Best day ever. Thank you so much, Charlie.

I like to help people.

That's what I do.