Anger Management (2012–2014): Season 2, Episode 1 - Charlie Loses it at a Baby Shower - full transcript

Charlie and Kate go to Charlie's sister's baby shower even though he hasn't seen her for ten years, and the group is convinced that Ed's daughter is a lesbian.

Great session, everybody. And don't forget,

do your best, don't assume,
don't take it personal, and be your word.

I'll never remember all that.
I'm just gonna pick two.

I'll take assume and that word thing.

Man. I was gonna do the word thing.

Everybody can do the word thing.
It wasn't meant to be an assignment.

It's more of a motto.

It's too long.
A motto's gotta fit on a bumper sticker,

like, "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."

Ed, you should check your bumper because
the one on your car now says,

"My other ride is a penis."
How do these things happen? It's a mystery.



Guys, guys. If bumper stickers ever
changed people's minds,

we wouldn't even be here right now
because we'd all rather be fishing

and braking for boobs. See ya Monday.

Sorry to barge in.
I'm just outside waiting, Dad.

Everybody, I'd like to introduce
my daughter, Edie.

I hate that name.

Y'all just call me Little Ed.

This is fantastic.

My car broke down. I hope you don't mind
I had her pick me up here.

I put in a new clutch,
but your throwout bearing's fine.

I need to pick up a new pressure plate,
but Jenny's at the gyno

and won't be opening up the shop till 4:00.

Who else feels like they just learned a lot?

About cars? We all did.



Like I said, I'll see you Monday.

Great meeting y'all.
You mind if I grab a muffin?

Of course not. There's also Danish.

Nah. I just got a thing about muffins.

So, Ed,
your daughter knows a lot about cars.

Did she learn that from her boyfriend?

No, she's just a natural with machines.

You know, I can't remember a time when
she didn't have a hammer or a drill

or something strapped on her.

All right, I am bleeding from biting my lip.

This is huge.

Can't we just get Ed back in here
and tell him that his daughter is gay?

I don't think he knows and I am willing to
pay for the extra half hour

to tell him right now.

Patrick, that is not how group works.

Even if she is gay,
no one here can force the issue.

Yeah, or Ed's daughter will kick your ass.

You got a minute?

Sure, what's up?

This came for you.
Sam, don't you have some homework to do?

Not when I know you're trying to get me
out of the room, I don't.

We don't hide things from
our daughter, Jen. Crap, it's from Meredith.

Sam, get out. It's a secret.

Who's Meredith?

I think you're old enough now.

My sister. Your Aunt Meredith.

I have an aunt that I don't even know about?

How about being grateful for all the
relatives we did tell you about?

You should be ashamed of yourself.
Now go to your room right now.

I can't believe this. Do I have a brother
that I don't know about, too?

I hope not.

How many times do I have to move
to get away from this screaming harpy?

Well, just give the harpy your new address.

I don't want any more letters
from the underworld.

Oh, my God. She's having a baby shower.
The evil one is about to spawn.

Well, she deserves every stretch mark
she gets. She's an awful person, Charlie.

I do not like her.

I still get pissed when I think about what
she said to you at our baby shower.

"Are you sure you're emotionally
stable enough to be a mom?"

"You could still put the option in adoption."
Stupid bitch.

I know.
Like we weren't ready to have a baby.

We planned that baby, right?
Yeah, we planned it.

I don't talk to my sister for 10 years.

I get one letter from her,
it torpedoes my entire week.

Have you ever opened up a dialogue
with Meredith about this?

Depends. ls, "Screw you,"
"No, screw you," a dialogue?

It doesn't sound like you've had
any real communication.

I've tried.
Ten years ago, the last time we talked,

she brought up the babysitting money
she claims I stole from her.

I brought up Christmas where
she showed up high.

She brought up Easter
where I showed up high.

How'd it end?

That's how, "Screw you,"
"No, screw you," got started.

So you've just written this person out of
your life? There's no coming back?

There's no second chances?

That's how the Goodsons work. Eliminate
the problem. Make them disappear.

Dog chews the remote control,
next day, dog's gone.

Sister calls your wife a moron, sister's gone.

Charlie, at some point in your life,
she'll be one of the last people

who remembers your childhood. She'll be
the only one to share these memories with.

So I guess you think I should go to the
baby shower and try to patch things up.

It's up to you, but the next chance you get
will be at one of your parents' funerals.

You're right.
I'll be too sad at my mom's, and at my dad's,

I'll be too busy playing
Dance Dance Revolution on his grave.

Charlie, I'm really proud of you.

- I'm proud of you, too.
- For what?

Going with me.

No.

Hey, I'm taking a trip to Anger Trigger City.
I'm gonna need backup.

I hate baby showers. I hate babies.
They have no concept of my importance.

Well, maybe this will be an enlightening
experience for you, too.

Besides, the baby's still inside my sister.

Oh, God. Just the thought of a human being
walking around

with a giant parasite inside them,
it gives me the creeps.

Yeah? Wait till you hear where it comes out.

So far, so good. A little bit of anxiety on
the way to the baby shower,

but nothing worth mentioning.

Charlie, what are you doing?

Giving you a status report.
You know, passing time.

We're going to be in this car for six hours.

I don't need emotional traffic updates
on the 10s.

This just in, a little bit of annoyance
in the driver's seat.

You know what annoys me most?

Everyone at the baby shower's
gonna treat us like we're a couple.

What's wrong with that?

I mean, even though we're not a couple,
who says we can't do stuff together

and have fun?

Couples don't have fun. They sit in a car
and make idle chitchat and pass the time.

And then they die.

Come on.
There's no reason this can't be a good time.

We're gonna have our meals together,
I got us a room...

Room?

We're sleeping together?
I don't want this to get weird.

How can sleeping in a bed be weirder
than what we usually do in a bed?

What we do is sex. That's not weird.
People do things in their sleep.

I remember my mom telling me how my
dad used to fart and cry in his sleep.

Well, I promise not to cry.

See, we're already starting down
that bad road toward being a couple.

We're talking about farting. You know,
as the farting increases, the sex decreases.

Till you're just two lonely people

lying at opposite ends of the bed
farting at each other.

Now I know why he was crying.

I'm just... I'm really glad you showed up.

Well, whatever the problem is,
I don't want to hear any gay details.

No hand-holding, no boy kissing, "Why
won't the government let me get married?"

I'll tell you why, because they don't want
you to have the tax deduction.

You people are industrious.
You're worth more to us single.

Thanks, I guess.

Okay, this...
All right, this is a tricky conversation.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

Don't tiptoe or sashay or prance or
whatever you people do around the subject.

Just rip the Band-Aid off and get right to it.

Your daughter's gay.

Oh, my God. You knew?

Son, she's not gay.

I'm laughing because I wish I had a nickel

for all the people who came up to me
and told me that.

Her kindergarten teacher,
her golf instructor, the Navy recruiter.

Just because a girl's a little different
and not some frail little thing

and she's got her own ideas
about how to dress,

people automatically assume that she
plays for the other team.

Ed, she's the coach of the other team.

Hi, guys. Need anything?

I'll have a Miller on tap and Oprah over here
will have, what, a Diet Coke?

I will have a Miller, too. Lite, please.

I bet people have told you you're a lesbian.

Maybe when I was back in college,
and they'd be right, but not recently, no.

Unless this is some kind of bass-ackwards
way to see if I'm into crazy older dudes,

and I'm not there yet.

I'm just making a point here that people
naturally assume that

if a woman's strong and independent,
she's gay.

Wow. I didn't see that coming.
Okay, I'll bang you.

Well, she's got a nice swing
on her back porch.

Your daughter would say that, too.
She's a lesbian, Ed.

You met her for two minutes. I'm her dad.

What makes you think you know
her better than I do?

Okay, that's fair. Does she date?

Well, she's a busy girl.
She doesn't have time for boys right now.

She's got her job in the daytime
grooming dogs,

and at night she takes care of maintenance
at the Pitch and Putt.

Short of being a fluff er for the Indigo Girls,

I don't know
how she could be any more gay.

Now, I'm not saying this to hurt you, it's just
a vibe that gay people are sensitive to.

And you think I should go home
and confront my daughter based on

some vibe that you have?

There is a one in a million chance
that I'm wrong,

but if I'm right, your daughter could be
terrified of what you might think

about her if she told you.

Is that what you wanted for your little girl
when she was five years old

out in the backyard playing with
her trucks?

Damn it. Now you got me thinking.

Here's your beers, guys. Hey, just curious.
You're not wealthy or anything, are you?

Nope. I'm on a fixed income,
but I do have full medical.

Yeah. I just remembered, I am still a lesbian.

I don't think I can do this.

Don't set yourself up for failure.

She is probably looking forward to seeing
you because she's happy about

her stupid little baby.

I'm just not real thrilled about Meredith
thinking we're a couple.

Kate, don't worry. She'll be too busy
ragging on me to even notice you.

Hello, Meredith.

So you showed up.
Bill, he's here. I owe you 50 bucks.

And, Jennifer, what happened to you?
You used to be so cute.

What'd you do to your hair?

Yeah, Jennifer.

Thank you so much.
You really didn't have to make us a plate.

No, you need to eat.
You're like a stick with an emo wig.

And I still feel bad about thinking
you were Jen.

The stick thing makes up for that.

So Why'd you hide from me for 10 years?

Ten years? Boy, time goes by so fast
when I'm not talking to you.

Same old Charlie.

I'm sorry, Meredith. You've displayed a lot
of emotional growth by having me here.

And I know that our dynamic hasn't
always been the best,

but perhaps this is a chance for us to get

a fresh start at a good, healthy
sibling relationship.

Somebody went to the Learning Annex.

I'm just saying I think Morn and Dad set us
up to compete against each other.

We're both victims here.

You know what, I'm glad you said that
because I don't wanna fight anymore.

You know, I'm trying to get rid of all
my anger before the baby's born.

You know, managing anger is my specialty.
I'm a therapist now.

Don't make me laugh.
I wouldn't let you analyze my urine.

Okay, that BS might work in LA, but to me,

you're just the thief who stole
my babysitting money.

Wow, you remember everything
from our childhood.

Hey, who knows?

Maybe in the future, we'll be able to
download all those memories

and we won't even need your head.

Charlie, Charlie, come quick.
They're about to play The Newlywed Game

with the other couples. I hope we win, yay!

Coming.

I need your help.

Oh, my God. You had the talk.
Is she okay? How did it go?

I can't do it. I've been with her all day
and I've tried to ask her it about five times.

Where is she now?

She's parking the car.
Look, I need you to talk to her.

If she is a lesbian,
then you speak the same language.

It's all English, Ed.

Except that a queen is
not a member of the Royal Family

and tops and bottoms have nothing
to do with pajamas.

Dad?

Wait, why does she think she's here?

I told her you were gay
and your toilet's broken.

What, because I'm gay,
I can't fix my own toilet?

- Well, can you?
- No.

It's not because I'm gay,
it's because I'm spoiled. Open the door.

Hi, honey. l jiggled the handle.
It's... Everything's fine now.

Great. Good to see you again.
Come on, Dad.

If we hurry, we can still get down to the
work boot warehouse before it closes.

Would you mind just sitting down
for a second?

Your dad wants me to talk to you.

Everything okay?

Yeah. Everything's fine and it gets better.

Now, this is kind of awkward
'cause I hardly know you

and I don't like your father.

But don't you think it's probably time that
you tell your dad that you're a lesbian?

Why would I do that? I'm not gay.

There, what'd I tell you? Come on, Little Ed.
Let's go get you a pair of work boots.

Wait a minute. Come on,
you've got the uniform and the haircut.

The chain wallet.

It is okay. This is something
that your dad needs to deal with.

Now just say it with me.
"Dad, you made a gay kid."

I don't like girls. I like boys.

You tell him, honey.

And I like my clothes. And I like my haircut.

I don't look like a lesbian,
lesbians look like me.

That's my girl!

I've probably been with more men
than you have.

I've been with more men than anybody.

No, seriously, Dad, like 100.

What?

I'm a grown woman. I don't tell you
everything I do and I wanna keep it that way,

but I guess you needed to hear it.

I like men.

A lot.

You.

I am so sorry, Ed.

I was just so excited to rub your nose in
the fact that your daughter was gay that

I totally missed she was a freak.

I hope this doesn't trigger any of
your anger issues.

No, like I said before,
she just hasn't found the right guy.

Well, it's not for lack of trying.

Okay, girls. Come take your seats.

- I hate these women.
- What happened?

Let me get you caught up.

We're all very excited about the shoe sale
at T.J. Maxx this weekend

and all the girls wanna know how much
money you give me for shopping.

And did you know Ginny's husband
pays her for oral sex?

And her name is Ginny.

Okay. I asked the men,
"According to your wife,

"what's the most romantic day
of the year for you?"

Let's start with Kayla and Bob.

Our anniversary.

Bob said his birthday. Kim?

Valentine's Day.

Joe said his birthday. Ginny?

Christmas.

Oh, Ginny.

Lou said his birthday.

Holy God.
These guys only get laid on their birthday?

Ginny must be making a fortune.

Kate?

December 21st. I don't know, it's the
longest night of the year. More time to bang.

Wow, Charlie said December 21st, too.

You said that?

Is that your birthday, Charlie?

No, I'm pretty sure my birthday
comes four or five times a week.

TN“.

Okay, the second question I asked is,

"What will your partner say is
the perfect number of children?"

- Kayla?
- Five.

Bob said four.

But we already have five.

Joe and I talk a lot about this.
I'm sure he said two.

Joe said more than two.

As many as the Lord will bless us with.

Lou said one.

You went with a number?

Kate?

I'm sure all your kids are great,
and at least four of yours,

but I have to be honest,

I don't like kids,
so I'm gonna have to say zero.

Wow, Charlie said you'd say,
"I don't like kids, so I'll say zero."

Why are we winning this thing?

Because we're not a couple.
We talk and actually listen to each other.

And I don't charge a $100 entry fee.

What do you mean you don't like kids?

I mean, I think they're great if
you have the time for them.

- So you're one of those.
- One of those?

Last time I looked, we were up two-zip.
Let's play the game.

You know, one of those women
who won't have kids

because she's too selfish and she wants
to be the center of the universe.

Selfish? I've dedicated my life
to helping people every day.

I just don't think it's mandatory that I have
a tiny version of myself

to push into living out my failed dreams.

Kate does help people,
not by saying things like that,

but she is a great therapist.

Well, a woman's body was made
to have babies.

Now hold on. A woman can do
whatever she wants with her body.

Kate might not be making babies, but trust
me, she does use her vagina for good.

You know what, maybe it's best that you
don't wanna be a mom.

Excuse me?

I mean, I'd hate to be your kid.

There's an anorexic little drug problem
waiting to happen.

Damn it, Meredith, you're so judgmental.

Every time I bring somebody around,
you have to start something.

What the hell is wrong with you?

No anger around the baby.

Well, then you better
get it out of your body fast,

because right now it's swimming around
in a pool of angry-otic fluid.

- What the hell does that mean?
- I don't know.

You've been making me say
things I don't understand for 35 years.

Charlie, take a breath. You can either
choose to continue or walk away.

You see that? She'd be a great mom.
That's the kind of thing she'd say.

And she'd keep her kid from saying this,
I'll see you in another 10 years, bitch.

Well, thank you for the delightful pastries.
We had a lovely time.

May I take one of these home? All right.

So are you ready to talk about
what happened back there?

I know, I know. I played right into her hands.

I feel lousy that when I'm old,

I'm just gonna be alone sitting
in a rest home

desperately trying to recall some
happy memory from my childhood.

Yeah. Well, that's not what
I wanna talk about.

Why in the world would you feel
the need to defend me?

You're mad that I defended you?
I said good things about your vagina.

You acted like we were a couple.

That's why I didn't wanna stay in
the same hotel room,

that's why I didn't
wanna play The Newlywed Game,

and that's why
I didn't wanna go to this damn baby shower!

Yes, dear.

Don't do that.

Yes, dear.

I am not messing around. We are not now,
nor will we ever be, a couple.

So you're not gonna pass that truck?

You're just gonna stay behind it
for the next 75 miles?

You really didn't like me defending you?

No, I did. That's why I didn't like it.

And how did you feel when we were
winning The Newlywed Game?

Good. That's why I hated it.

You know one thing couples never do?

Die happy-

Have sex in a car on the side of a road.

Yeah, that would certainly make
two people not a couple.

What would you say if I
pulled over right here?

I'd say, "Happy Birthday, Charlie.

"Give me 100 bucks."