Anger Management (2012–2014): Season 1, Episode 7 - Charlie's Patient Gets Out of Jail - full transcript

Let's move on. (CLEARS THROAT)

Donovan, I know that you and Cleo

had some words about how much time
you've been spending in the library.

- So do you want to talk about that?
- DONOVAN: Yes.

Cleo has been real supportive lately.

He knows that I have to get my law degree

so I can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt
that I'm innocent.

They have you on videotape stabbing
three people at a Relax The Back store.

I ain't said it was going to be easy.

Now, Cleo, I know you were angry about
not spending enough time with Donovan.

You want to tell us why
you were able to let that go?



I don't want to, but I have to.

Donovan.

You know how we said

that if one of us gets out before the other
that we would kill ourselves?

Hmm.

I'd like to revisit that.

What?

I'm getting out today.

I got a letter last week,
something about prison overcrowding.

What?

You knew for a week?

Donovan, Donovan, you're obviously hurt.

You need to express to Cleo
how that makes you feel.

Otherwise, hurt turns to anger,
anger turns to rage, and rage turns to...



Holy crap!

(SCREAMING)

No, no, wait, wait, wait.
I got this. I got this. I got this.

Donovan, Donovan.

Why didn't you tell me?

I thought you might get mad.

Well, he did kill three people
over a back pillow, so good call.

I'm so sorry, monster.

No!

I'm not your monster anymore.

You broke my heart, Cleo.

I could have traded you for Jell-O,
and I didn't.

Here you go, bro.

(CLEO WAILING)

- How about now?
- Now's good.

Okay, I know it goes without saying,
but I'm going to go ahead and say it.

We never hand the angry man a second chair.

Now remember, when you approach the dish,

you gotta do something
to distract the pitcher.

Wink at her like maybe you know something
she doesn't.

Like this generation will be the
first to do worse than their parents

and we're all doomed for failure?

Just try to hit the ball and have fun.

Gotcha.

This tournament's making me nuts.

I don't even know how Sam's going to
deal with the bus ride there

with her OCD and everything.

She's terrified of truck-stop bathrooms.

Hey, I want my teenage daughter terrified
of truck-stop bathrooms.

Good point.

Hey, while we have a second,
will you look at something?

It's a new business I'm looking into.

"Green Goddesses"?

It's a maid-service franchise that hires
hot maids and only uses green products.

Hot maids?

Where are you going to find beautiful women
who want to clean toilets?

Men have been looking for that
for thousands of years.

They help you.

You give Green Goddesses $10,000,

and they give you the logo, the cleaning
supplies, and the short skirts.

It's a no-brainer.

So for 10 grand you get Lysol and a
logo of a dolphin with tits and a mop?

Okay, first of all, it's a mermaid
with an eco-friendly dolphin's head.

And why do you have to be so negative?

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Remember Downward Dog,

the yoga studio

for dogs?

(SOFTLY) Cleo.

(WHISPERING) it's Derek on the outside.

Hi. I don't think we've met.

This is Derek, an old ballplayer buddy.
This is my ex-wife, Jennifer.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Why would you ex this?

Well, who says it was his idea?

I don't recognize you.
Where did you and Charlie play?

He played at Akron. Hell of a ballplayer.

Switch-hitter.

Mom, let's go to the bus.
We're going to be late.

All right.

Bye, kiddo.

Bye. Nice meeting you.

- What the hell are you doing here?
- I went to see my wife.

Wait, wait, wait. You have a wife?

I'm PG, man.

Prison gay. What happens
in jail, stays in jail.

So what happened with your wife?

She said she was going to wait for me,

but there's a Jack in the Box
where my house was,

she moved to San Diego with
some Chinese guy and they got three kids.

And a damn dog named Cleo.

Wow, that really sucks.

So, can I get you some water or something?

You know why I'm here.

For water?

My parole officer said
if I don't find an address by tonight,

I got to go to a county facility.

I need a place to stay.

(SIGHS) Look, look, Derek,
I would love to help you,

but I gotta keep our relationship
strictly professional.

But if you want to come here
for anger therapy classes,

I'd be more than happy to do that.

- When's the next session?
- Tomorrow, 2:00 p.m.

Great! I'm going to wait on the couch.

Everybody, this is Derek. Derek is a
former member of my prison group.

I want to remind you all that, as always,
everyone's private life is confidential.

Nothing leaves this room.

Unless he steals it.

Okay, let's just pick up
where we left off last time.

- Patrick?
- Right, so...

I was at this restaurant
having dinner with a friend,

and this prick next to me says that I'm
too loud and threatens to call the manager.

I got something like that.

I shared a cell with a Russian gangster,
and he said I talked too loud

and if I didn't stop,
he'd tie my balls around my neck.

He called it a "Moscow Bow Tie".

Look how much we all have in common.

And what happened, Patrick?

(WHISPERS) Never mind.

Lacey, how are things going with your mom?

She's insane.

If I want to keep getting my allowance,
I have to get a job.

I thought parents were supposed to fund you
unconditionally.

That's love you unconditionally.
And only dogs do that.

Well, she gives my dog an allowance, too,
and he doesn't have to get a job.

I feel you, girl. Mothers can be frustrating.
Mine would burn me with cigarettes.

You learn to stop reaching across the table
for food real quick.

Ed, I'm guessing you're going to
pass on the story about the gum wrappers?

Uh... Yeah.

You know, Prison-Break Jones over there is
not the only guy who has had a tough life.

I'm sorry, forgot your name.

My mother burned me, too,

with unending, subtle
critiques of my clothes.

You may not see the scars, they're there.

Well, I think we can all
take a lesson from this.

When you think your problems
are really big, remember,

at least no one is tying yourjunk
around your neck.

Don't quote me on that.

- Hey, Derek. How are you doing?
- Good, good.

Charlie's letting me crash for a few days,
so I thought I'd help out a little.

Well, don't mind me.

I'm just going to borrow Charlie's
washing machine for a couple of loads.

Mine keeps lighting up "unbalanced."
I think it's making fun of me.

You know what? Let me get that for you.
I'm doing Charlie's and mine anyway.

JENNIFER: Wow, thank you.

Don't mind the granny panties.

They're not mine.
They just came with the basket.

Uh, if your washing machine's broke,
I'm pretty handy. I can take a look at it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Okay. That'd be great.
That'd be amazing. Thank you.

Why is he doing your laundry?

Because he offered, like
a gentleman, Charlie.

Is there a Mrs. Gentleman?

(SCOFFING)

Wow.

Okay, I should probably tell you something
about Derek.

Not a ballplayer.

He was a member of the prison group
I volunteer with.

- You're kidding.
- Nope. Hard-core criminal.

Twelve years behind bars, grand theft auto,
repeat offender, the whole package.

So he's good-looking,
not afraid of commitment,

and always drives a nice new car?

- Don't go there, Jen.
- Pardon me?

Don't get involved with this guy, Jen.

Do you really think
I'm dumb enough to date a felon?

Why do you always second-guess
everything I do?

Are you sure
you want to ask me that question?

Why wouldn't... Hey, quit it.

As soon as you write my alimony check,
give me some of that pizza,

and he's done with my laundry,
I'm out of here.

I can take care of myself, you know?

- Did you TiVo Project Runway for me?
- Yeah.

(STERNLY) I'm going to go watch it.

- Hey.
- Hey.

See that guy down there?

It's my patient.

Oh, is he the one that can't get mad?

Yeah, we'll see.

He thinks he's here
because I'm setting him up on a date,

but I want you to do everything you can
to get him to the breaking point.

How about I marry him?

We're just trying to get
him mad, not kill him.

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, I am so sorry.

I hope those weren't your good clothes.

No. Uh...

I'm meeting a girl, but it's okay.
It was an honest mistake.

Oops!

That wasn't as honest.

Maybe I'll just have nuts.

Well, at least now
you've got some where yours ought to be.

Hey. What's your name?

And I feel bad that Jen walked away
thinking I called her stupid.

Do you think Jen's stupid?

No, no.

I mean, you and I, we have degrees,
we read books, we're academic smart.

Jen is more "I'm going
up the down escalator",

"I'm not getting anywhere,
so I should probably turn around" smart.

You know, you might want to get down off
your high horse there for a minute, buddy.

I know Jennifer,
and while she's no Rhodes Scholar,

she's probably smarter than you are
in a lot of ways.

I know one way she's not.
I know what Rhodes Scholar means.

You know, there's lots of different types
of intelligence, Charlie.

I bet, if I wanted to,
I could make you feel dumb.

For example, spatial-visual intelligence.

Move only two matches to make a decagon.

(SCOFFS) That's easy.

Define "decagon."

Ten-sided figure. And don't worry.

Even though you're dumb, I still think
you're pretty, and we're having sex tonight.

What's this?

KATE: You have to make a 10-sided figure
moving only two matches.

I can do it moving one.

There.

Oh, my God! She's a genius.

And if I do this and this...

Stick man with a boner.

Might have been a fluke.

You're right. You're right.
I can be the bigger man.

I'm going to go apologize.
I'll meet you back at your place later.

Okay.

And for the record...

Stick man with a coke problem.

Stick man after a car accident,

(SIGHS)

because of his coke problem.

Stick man living in a tent

because he lost his house because of
the car accident and his coke problem.

Who's the genius now?

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Just a minute.

Oh! I'm sorry, I should have called.

Yeah, that would have been a good idea.

I was driving home,
and I thought I owe you an apology.

You're not stupid.

You're a smart person
and you know exactly what you're doing.

Baby, if that's the food, just bring it to bed.
I'm ready to give you a massage.

Oh, damn!

You don't answer the door
when your nails are wet,

but you're in the middle of a prison
rub-down and it's, "Come on in."

(HUMS EXCITEDLY)

How stupid can one woman be?

I know this game. Sarah Palin,
Nancy Pelosi, or Jennifer, your ex-wife.

She's sleeping with Derek.

I know it's unpopular, but I'm going
to go with the liberal, Pelosi.

Okay, pants off.

I told her not to, and then she got mad at
me for assuming she'd do something stupid.

And then what does she do?

The gay felon.

Did she even know he was gay?

Yeah, she knows.
She's a big girl. She takes precautions.

It's not what I'm worried about.
I'm worried about the felon part.

Yeah, that's a reasonable concern.

Okay, I'll get the shirt.

I don't want this guy in my life.

He was in prison.
He steals things and hides them in his ass.

"Hey, Charlie, where are
your candlesticks?"

"I don't know. Why don't you check
my ex-wife's boyfriend's ass?"

Charlie, you're upset.

We have a session tomorrow and we'll
talk about this, so hold that thought.

But right now, hold this
and press the blue button three times.

One, two, three.

Look. She knows what she's doing.
She's only doing this to piss me off.

- Whoa!
- Exactly.

I don't know how far she'll take it.

Are you listening to me?

(BREATHES HEAVILY)
I can do two things at once.

If she's doing this just to piss you off,

then the worst thing you can (MOANING) do
is show her you're upset.

Okay, I can't do two things at once.

Okay, you know what?

Just don't do anything
and she'll stop acting crazy.

You're right. She's just trying
to get a reaction out of me.

I'm not going to feed into that.

Good.

Now, I need all of your attention.

I just want you to put all your efforts
into pleasing me.

Oh! What? I just push the button again?

Yeah.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

Am I actually a part of this?

(SHUSHING)

- Hey.
- Hey.

I made breakfast. I feel
bad about yesterday.

It's all good. You can kick it with Jen.
She's not my bitch no mo'.

She's just my baby mama.

Are you trying to talk black?

A little bit. That's just how Charlie do.

Yeah, well, Charlie don't.

You know, I'm proud of you.

I mean, in group, you tell us
to let go of our anger, and you do it.

You really walk the walk.

Thank you.

Because under normal circumstances,
a guy comes into your house,

eats your food, sleeps in your bed,
oils up your ex-wife,

a guy could get pretty upset about that.

Well, I always say lead by example.

Yeah.

Could you pass the butter, please?

Oh, yeah.

That's my butter!

You didn't ask! You just took it!

And now you're going to smear it
all over your toast right in front of me.

If you don't want me using your butter,
all you got to do is say so.

I don't want you using my butter.

It sure seems like a waste of good butter.

We're not talking about butter.

I know, I know, I know.

I'm going to put some honey
on those biscuits. That's cool, right?

Yeah, yeah. Honey is just honey.

- Hey, Charlie.
- CHARLIE: Hey.

Hey, boo. Ready to head out to the beach?

Yeah, about that, can I talk to you
out on the porch for a second?

Okay.

Mmm. Honey and biscuits.

- You son of a bitch!
- What?

You told Derek to stop seeing me.

What do you care? This isn't about Derek.
You're just seeing him to piss me off.

You're so full of yourself, it's unbelievable!
I can't just like him?

- He's a felon.
- He's an ex-felon.

And I'm a 40-year-old single mother
living in Los Angeles.

I had to open up the dating pool.

I now accept bartenders,
pirates, and magicians.

For the record, I was in jail for
a long time, but I earned my GED.

And I'm only two tests away
from being a certified VCR repairman, so...

Boom!

See?

You always have to control
everything that I do. That's over.

From now on, I'm doing whatever I want
to do and you have no say about it.

I don't agree with anything you just said.

And I don't care!

Starting now, we're just
a normal divorced couple.

We're not friends.

When we run into each other at the market,
it's weird.

If you're five minutes late dropping
off Sam, we've got a problem.

Oh! And by the way, Green Goddesses,

the woman who bought the LA franchise
just got a boatload of contracts.

She's cleaning up.
And I meant to say it like that!

You're not supposed to be friends
with your ex-wife anyway.

That's against nature.

I'm not saying it was easy,
but it was definitely worth it.

And as a person, I like Jen.

My ex-wife and I hate each other.

How about your kids?

We hate them, too.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

What the hell is...

I knew this guy was trouble.
Call the police.

Not every black man running
has committed a crime.

They're right behind me!
I just stole a car!

You're making me look bad
in front of my friend.

I'm going back to prison, Charlie.

I tried to make it work,
but I miss Donovan.

Now I got to go get arrested
in San Bernardino

so I go back to the same prison.

No, this is crazy. What about Jennifer?

Oh! Your ex-wife is a beautiful woman,
but it just didn't feel right.

I miss my monster.

(HELICOPTER HOVERING)

I gotta go, Charlie.
I hope you're not disappointed in me.

It would've been nice if you'd have made
your life work on the outside...

I got very little time
and you're going on a bit here.

I told Jennifer and she's a mess.
You might want to check in on her.

I'll see you next week in group.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

That's great.
Now you're here to rub it in my face?

- Jennifer...
- No, no, no. You did it, Charlie.

Once again,
you proved you're smarter than me.

"Smarter than I."

But that doesn't matter.
That's not why I'm here.

What's wrong with me?
I just... I can't find it. (LAUGHING)

What?

I don't make good decisions.

Yes, you do. You dumped me.

That was mostly my mom,
and my sisters, a couple of psychics.

Look, you're not the one
who has to change anything.

I think you're right. L
do try to control you.

I don't know, maybe it's just my way
of making sure you still need me.

Or maybe you're just a butt-hole.

We can talk semantics all day.

What's important is that we stay friends.

It's been great for Sam
and it's been great for me.

All right.

But no more judging, okay?

You got it.

Now, Hold Onto Your Hat.

What?

No, that's the company name.

It's a little Velcro strap
that attaches your hat to your collar.

Thousands of hats are lost every year

due to rainstorms, boats,
and amusement park rides.

No one has an exact number, but the financial
loss reaches well into the millions.

What do you think?

I think...

I mean, nobody likes losing a hat.

That's amazing! That's our motto!

"Nobody likes losing a hat."

I can't do it. I'm sorry.

It's a horrible idea.
You'll lose everything.

That was just a test.

No, it wasn't.

Okay, I'm into them for $1,000.

God, I need help.

- It's okay.
- (SIGHS)

We'll try and find you some kind of
a 12-step franchise anonymous program.

I'll bet there isn't one.
We could start that.

Shut up.