Angel from Hell (2016): Season 1, Episode 5 - Soulmates - full transcript

Lee! Hey.

How you doing?

I'm all right.

Brought you your favorite.

Cup of coffee
with a dash of Codeine?

- All right.
- Yep,

one "nap-puccino"
foaming at the mouth.

So how's the
angeling going, huh?

Ah, my human is
the easiest gig in town.

She eats right,
puts family before work,

and that body is fun
to watch over.



So what's on your agenda
for today, huh?

Nothing much,
just watching over Tricia,

making sure that old tree branch

that she insists
on doing yoga under

doesn't fall
on her beautiful tight body.

Getting a little
pervy there, Lee.

And that's
coming from me.

How about you?

Oh, I got big things happening.

I've almost got Allison
to the point

where she feels comfortable
being single.

- Really?!
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, that's huge.

Your girl is such
a serial monogamist.



I know, right?

And she has one
final test today.

She has to RSVP that
she's going alone

to a friend's engagement party.

But after that, man,
we're in the clear.

Well, that's great.

And then you can focus
on all her other issues.

Oh, you got that right.

Next up, a little lesson
I like to call

"??being okay looking stupid."

Well, well, that's right
in your wheelhouse, huh?

- How are you gonna do it?
- Taking her roller-skating.

Hmm, sounds like you just want
to go roller-skating.

I do love roller-skating.

Look, I hate getting
all up in your halo,

but you're breaking protocol
left and right.

You're the one who taught me
the angel rules

right here at this picnic table.

- I know what I'm doing.
- Do ya?

First you tell her that
you're a guardian angel.

Then you move
into her guesthouse.

Which is unbelievable.

I keep meaning to have you over.

I could really use a shower.

You know, the government
can't hear you in the shower.

They're not listening
to you, Lee.

Let's just keep
it on angel talk,

'cause you sound crazy.

I'm just saying, if you
keep getting involved

in your human's life,
it's gonna blow up in your face.

Don't angel an angel, rookie.

Okay, I just thought

we were supposed
to stay in the background,

Mm. guiding, observing...

Oh, my God,
they're doing partner work.

Keep it professional, man.

I am.

I'm just appreci... ating.

Hi.

Hi.

I hate to be presumptuous,

but I thought
you guys might be hungry.

Always.

Thank you for presuming.

Sure.

This is a good park for bagels.

Yeah.

I got a snow cone yesterday.

No kidding.

Yeah. Cherry.

All right, Kelly.

So the engagement party is
going to have a Mardi Gras vibe

because that's
where you met Hank.

Yeah, that was
such a good night.

I wish I could remember it.

Okay, I got a food
truck serving gumbo,

I've got a king cake,

I have three different
flavors of yard margs,

and I'm thinking drink tickets...
That would be cute, right?

Oh, good, those will
help slow my mom down.

I want her to behave.

I'll behave.

I'll "behaving" a lot of drinks.
Watch out for this one.

Linda, no problem getting
the speaker wires

through the ceiling...
Brad and I are making sure

you get music for your party.

Thanks, Dad.

Ah, the Fuller men
are back on the job.

By the way,

I have a "check engine" light

that would love your attention.

Oh, I'd be happy to pop the hood

and then secretly
call my mechanic.

- Hey, there's Kelly.
- This must be Amy.

Bride-to-be having her big
party in my front yard.

It's actually my backyard.

So how's the guest list coming?

Are we all firm?

Uh, yeah.

Actually, everyone has RSVP'd,

except for Allison.

Ah.

I did not know that.

Does the host have to RSVP?

I mean, I know that you are
going to be there,

- but are you bringing a date?
- Yes, are you bringing a date?

Well, I've been
thinking about that.

- And?
- And?

Is she a translator for you
that just speaks louder?

- Kelly, I'm building drama.
- I'm gonna go alone.

Good news.

She seems very invested
in you going solo.

Well, it's what good friends do.

They.

You should try it sometime.

- Wahoo.
- No, it's just "whoo".

- Whoo-whoo.
- No.

- I feel like it needs a little bit more...
- It needs nothing.

Guys, look, I realize I just
got out of a relationship,

and I feel like I just need
a little time on my own.

Allison's single
and not ready to mingle.

Except with her best
friend, Amy.

I'm sorry, were you
saving this for something?

The engagement party.

Oh, goodness gracious.

Well, I don't see the cork,
so I will plug it up

with a...

Carrot cool?

S01E05
Soulmates

- Oh, this is fun, right?
- Totally.

I feel like we escaped
a '90s gum commercial.

Here's our table.

I love that you just don't care
how stupid you look.

The only person here
looking stupid

is the one not wearing pads.

Ah, yes.

You know what's great about
this time on your own

is you're really gonna
free yourself up

to work on your issues.

You're gonna learn so
many great lessons.

Not everything has
to be a lesson.

And that's one of the lessons.

You're not as dumb
as you look in that helmet.

Uh, maybe keep it on.

No, you know what, I don't care.

I'm not trying
to impress anybody.

I am loving single fun Allison.

But maybe you have a scrunchie?

Ooh, what's going on there?

Pillow fight!

- Let's go.
- Well, that sounds spontaneous,

and spontaneity is a lesson
I've been working on for months.

Let's go knock
those ironic mustaches

off those millennial faces.

You got wire cutter?

Mm-hmm, coming in hot.

- Flashlight.
- Flipping.

Hey, one more now.

Look out.

Fuller men, back at it.

What was the last
project we did?

We did the re-mod on the p-deck
outside Aunty J's c-do.

Yeah, that's too
many abbreviations.

Yeah, sorry, it was
the remodel on the pool deck

- at Aunt Jenny's condominium.
- Yeah.

Finally something in that
woman's life that was stable.

What?

You're bad.

Whoa, what do we have here?

Is this Brad's first toolbox?

Uh, Dad, don't touch that.

Okay, now I'm sensing
there's a reason

you don't want me to open this.

Uh, no, I d... I...
No, I just want you

to help me with this ladder
so it doesn't hit your car.

What, do you got nunchucks?

Maybe some cherry bombs?

Oh, nudie magazines.

Dad, do not open that.

Relax, it's not
the first time I've seen

a fella's private stash
of paper flowers.

Uh. I got it.

You pull back one
of the petals to reveal

that these are actually made
out of Playboy magazines.

No, no, it's just
a paper flower.

I made them sophomore year
in art class.

Relax.

Just wasn't what
I was expecting.

I have tons of porn, Dad...
It's hidden up in the attic.

- That's okay, I really don't...
- I can take you up there right now.

I will, and it's
not just Playboy,

it's like the real... here.

Take this, I'm getting the porn.

Oh.

Hey, you take the guy
in the wool scarf.

I'll take the guy
in the wool hat.

It's 80 degrees, people!

No!

Ow! Why does that hurt so much?

Because it's Memory Foam,

so you don't... ever... forget!

Oh. Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.

That's all right,
that's all right.

All part of a pillow fight!

Yeah, I need my glasses.

Yeah, uh... there they are.

Hey.

Hey.

Five-O.

That's not how I talk.

The police are here.

Well, let's bounce.
Also not how I talk.

Let's just walk quickly
in this direction.

Allison!

Oh, my God, I lost my human.

Or my friend,
as people would say.

Uh-oh, I got priors.

Uh, good afternoon, officers.

Uh, Detective Amy Cass,
this is my crime scene now.

I'm gonna need 30 feet,
a cup of coffee, black, now!

Dad, hit me with the level.

Okay, you seem distracted.

You're still thinking about
the flowers, aren't you?

Your unexplained secret garden?

No. Little bit. Constantly.

What was up with that?

You remember Mr. Gene,

my high school
art teacher, right?

I'm just gonna say sure.

I was an angry kid.

And Mr. Gene taught me
how to express my feelings

through the paper arts.

You wrestled in high school.

Those two aren't
mutually exclusive, Dad.

I have a rich emotional IQ.

According to one BuzzFeed quiz,

I can feel at the level of
an 18th-century Italian painter.

I so want to mock you, but
I also want you to feel

like you can come to me with this stuff.

- Where's Allison?
- I thought she was with you.

We were at the park,
and then she ran away from me.

Seems like dangerously
logical behavior.

Marv, there is a time
for our hysterical banter.

It is not now.

Oh, you guys, this is bad.

I checked all the usual places.

The coffee shop, the office,
the container store,

her spin class,
her backup spin class.

Look at you, Mrs. Columbo.

Hello, surprising number
of people in my house.

Hey.

Marv, move!

God, you're not getting it!

Well, I'm glad you're back,
but next time,

give me an advanced warning
if you're gonna be spontaneous.

What happened in the park?

Well, I was looking for you
when the cops came,

but I couldn't find you,

so this guy I was talking to
gave me a ride home.

A guy? We're not
slipping, are we?

Because you just dedicated
yourself to be on your own,

to work on your issues.

Never said that.

And relax.

I'm not falling in love.

Darren and I are
just having coffee.

Wait, Darren?

What's Darren's last name?

Jensen, I think.

Darren Jensen, oh, my God.

This is a disaster.

- Why?
- I screwed up huge.

I mean, it's bad enough
that I lost track of you.

Just say the crazy thought
so I can go to bed.

Darren Jensen is your soulmate.

There's the Nutter Butter.

And you weren't
supposed to meet him

for another year.

Oh, double-stuffed.

Oh, I can't believe I let
you meet your soulmate.

Ah, damn it, Amy!

This is Angeling 101.

Okay, calm down. Look, even
if Darren were my soulma...

There is no "if"

Would you like to
see the paperwork?

- Yes.
- Well, sadly it was destroyed

in a cigarillo fire
in the guesthouse.

Love to get a smoke
detector back there.

It was a close call.

Amy, as a friend,

wouldn't you be happy for me
if I met the perfect guy?

No, you have a mountain
of issues to work on

before you can get in
another relationship.

You're not even ready
to date a regular guy,

much less your soulmate.

"??Mountain of issues"?
What are you talking about?

Well, for one, you
overreact to criticism.

Also you don't
know how to relax.

- You have sneezing bitch face.
- What?

And most importantly

for the health of your
future relationships,

you have unresolved
trust issues.

Oh, I get it, you're worried
if I start dating somebody,

you're gonna lose
your skating buddy.

Oh, please, I have plenty
of skating buddies.

I have CJ, Rocket and the rest
of the Beverly Hills Blitz Crew.

Okay.

It is just coffee, all right?

I promise you we will still
be able to hang out.

You know what?

I hear you.

That doesn't seem like you.

You go out on your date

and I will give you your space.

Okay.

All right, I'll see you soon.

- Have fun, okay?
- Okay.

- All right, kid.
- Okay.

Okay, I thought
I was the only person

over the age of eight who liked
bubblegum ice cream.

Nope. Name's Darren, I'm 32
and I love it.

Okay, my turn.

Uh, what's your favorite movie?

- Swingers.
- Oh, my God! I love that movie.

Okay, no.
Now you're gonna tell me

it inspired you to take
swing dancing classes, too?

It totally did.

And I may have worn a zoot suit

to my secondary school jubilee.

- That's the Aussie prom.
- What?

No way. Oh, come on.

This is so random.
What a small world.

Oh, my God.

- Amy, what a surprise.
- I know!

I was just having
a one-on-none picnic

behind this tree...

and you guys just walked up!

Darren Jensen.

First you're
at the pillow fight,

now you're at the park...

Does this guy have a job?

Ah, I'm just
bustin' your acorns.

How do you know my name?

This is Amy.

She lives in my back house.

Listen, I made way too
much p?t? for one person.

And what goes better
with hot coffee

than half a pound of p?t??

- I think we're good on the goose liver.
- Yeah, not my favorite.

Come on. Open up.

- Uh...
- Really?

- Nah, nah.
- Aw, come on.

Amy!

What are you doing here,

so close to, uh, mmm!

Allison, Darren, this is Lee.

He works in the, uh,
business industry.

That seems legit.

Wait, are you two on a date?

Sort of.

Yeah, uh, coffee.

Oh. Amy, sidecar?

Sidecar. Oh.

It's a business industry term.

- What's in that p?t??
- Nothing!

Nothing but goose
liver and codeine.

Codeine? What, you trying
to knock them out?

Hm. Yeah. That's codeine.

Just double-confirming.

He's her soulmate, Lee.

What? Allison's not
ready for that.

She's still emotionally
incapacitated

from her last relationship.

I know, Lee.
That's why I have to

break them up before they kiss.

Because once they do that,

they're on the
relationship train,

and instead of this thing
lasting a lifetime,

it blows up in six months.

And that's all in the paperwork?

Because I'd like to see that.

Well, sadly,
there was a fire, Lee.

Now get out of my way!

They're gone! Ooh, they
probably went off to smooch!

I gotta stop that smooch!

So...

how 'bout that game last night?

Real nail-biter.

We won by 44 points.

But the beginning parts of it

is what I'm talking about.

That was kind of
touch-and-go there for a...

Hey, could we not do this?

Obviously, you've opened up
a can of worms,

'cause you don't think
I'm emotional.

Okay.

Cool.

Do you... let's,
let's go deeper.

Okay. Cool.

Okay, cool.

Uh...

let's do... should I start this,

- or do you want to...
- Saw a butterfly today.

That is nice.

It was... pretty.

They are pretty.

And it was alone,

which reminded me
how alone I feel.

Dad, that's so... I'm so sorry.

- That's got to be hard for you.
- Maybe...

I'm helping out with
this stupid engagement party

because I want to...

spend time with... Linda.

Who's pretty, like a butterfly.

How would it make you feel

if I were to ask her out?

I think it's great

that you're opening up to me

about disgracing Mom's memory.

So, I'm standing there

over the little white
pentagon on the ground...

Home plate.

And, uh, I got my swinging stick in
my hand...

That looks very natural.

And the dude on the little
hill over there...

The pitcher?

Lobs the oversized cricket ball.

Never guess what happens next.

The Aussie struck out?

Bat flew right out of my hand,
almost hit a kid.

Everyone was very pissed off.

That's okay.

Just keep brutalizing
our sports terms.

I love your accent.

You know, I wasn't
supposed to be here

for, like, another year,

but I'm really glad
my company pushed it up,

'cause here we are.

And, uh...

sort of feels like fate, or...

Wow, that's...
that's a cheesy line.

I'm sorry.

Um, I'd like another
at-swing, please.

The term is "at bat."

Oh.

I told you.

You got involved and
it blew up in your face.

Oh, you're right.

I guess the rookie

taught the veteran something.

Lee? Lee?

I'm good.

Just taking
an open-eyed grass nap.

Mmm.

That p?t? put me
in a good place.

Ooh...

I'm gonna restock on my beads.

Okay.

What's up with four-eyes?

He's actually really attractive.

Classic big bro hazing.

His name's Darren.

He's actually pretty great.

Yeah, he must be,
in order to get

- the insta-invite to this party.
- I know!

How much do you like that dork?

He's pretty cool with that
accent, though. Still hazing.

I think I really like him.

Yeah, you know who else
is smitten these days? Dad.

- What?
- Did he finally ask out Linda?

My mom? It's finally happening.

- We're gonna be sisters.
- Okay. Slow your roll.

- How do you even know about this?
- Oh, I don't know.

Maybe the 14 speakers he hung
in his house to impress her?

This is actually
perfect timing for my mom,

since my dad just married
the old babysitter.

What about how weird
it makes me feel?

Nobody cares.
This is about Dad being happy.

What are you doing
to that napkin?

Uh, you know what?
I didn't even know

I was doing this.

I need to steal her.

Listen, kid, I just want to say

that I am sorry.

A business industry
associate pointed out to me

that, well,
all of my interfering

might not be good for you.

From now on, I'm going to take

a more traditional
angel approach

and I'm gonna back off.

Based on a small sample

- of all my experience with you...
- Allison,

I'm serious.

And I'm only half in the bag,

so you know it's real.

- I just want to thank you.
- Oh.

Home audio's just not
as difficult as it looks.

Not the speakers.

For this.

Oh.

The mother of the bride

always gets forgotten
at these things and...

you're just so sweet.

Brad made the flower.

I know.

But I am the one
asking you to dance.

Let's do it.

Hey, Darren. I don't know
if you remember me,

but I was the one with the p?t?
by the port-a-potty.

- No, I remember you.
- That's sweet.

Nice suit, by the way.

- You are so money, baby.
- What?

You are so money,
you don't even know it.

Uh... ooh.

It's a quote.

From Swingers.
Your favorite movie.

Yes. Yeah, right. Swingers.

Yeah, I'm the big money.

Darren, if you'll excuse me,

I have to double-renege
on a recent promise.

Slow song.

Let's pick it up
a little bit, huh?

A little bit of swing dance,
big band.

That walking redwood
ruins everything.

Follow me.

Oh, my God, did you put
this on for me?

Yes.

Well, let's do this.

Hey, everybody,
check out these two!

- Are you ready?
- Uh-huh.

- Oh! Ooh.
- Ow.

Wait... does he not know
how to swing dance?

- Hey, are you okay?
- Okay?

Uh, yeah, I'm fine. Yeah.

- Yeah. What just happened?
- Yeah, bro.

Can't you execute a classic
cradle-me-Harry?

Brad, could you please go
big brother somewhere else?

I'm sorry, I don't know

how to swing dance.

And when you jumped at me,
that was scary.

Why would you lie about that?

I just really wanted
to impress you.

I kind of got swept up
in the moment.

Sorry, I hope one little
fib's not a big deal.

Look, my last relationship
was a disaster.

The guy lied and cheated.

Allison, I am not that guy.

I know.
But I have a mountain of issues

and I don't think
I'm ready for this.

Couldn't have said it
better myself,

because I did say it myself.

Hey, guys, ooh.

Um, so my father-in-law
wants to give

a toast, so if we could
just finish the breakup

off the dance floor?
Thank you so much. Okay.

Speech, speech!

Maybe this is just
a case of bad timing.

Yeah, and you lying.

Sorry. Trust issues.

I'm gonna work on those.

Yeah, I'm gonna work
through my stuff, too.

Hey, who knows? Maybe one day...

Our paths cross again?

I'd like that.

USA! USA! U...

I'm actually a big fan of
Sydney. I want to visit someday.

I heard the Opera House
is a marvel.

How's your butt?

Oh. It's okay.

Well, you know, he's not
your only soulmate.

Not that I believe you, but...

- how many are we talking?
- 17.

But a couple of them are
in the flood zone of the tsunami

that takes out
the Pacific Northwest, so, uh,

actually, it's 15.

Let's put some ice
on that tukhus, huh?

We're going roller
skating tomorrow.

Oh, what happened to hands off?

Eh, I tried that for five
minutes, it's not me.

In fact, I'm gonna need
a key to the big house.

- Not gonna happen.
- Can I have some more drink tickets?

- Are you kidding me?
- They're for a friend.

I'm sorry.

Bad time to lie to you.

So, should you warn someone
about the tsunami?

Oh, no, no, no, no,

I never get involved with
the weather department.

Hey, what's up, John? Seen Lee?

Cops did a sweep of the park.

He ended up in Cedars.
Psych ward.

Our Lee? Picnic Table Lee?

He kept telling them
he had to be here

because he was a guardian angel.

Wow. Well, that's crazy.

Damn!

Lost too many good
angels to Cedars.