Angel (1999–2004): Season 5, Episode 14 - Smile Time - full transcript
Angel and the gang set out to foil an evil puppet show that is sucking the brain power of all the children who watch. During their fight, Angel is turned into a puppet himself and must rely...
[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
In our secret backyard
We can make your day more fun
And less hard
No more frowning, let's get learning
A- B-C's and 1-2-3-4's
Everything from words to weather
We'll discover them together
MOTHER: Because he's still sick, Ma.
He can't keep anything down.
Yeah, and he's running a temperature.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
My shift starts in a half an hour.
- Yes.
- All your friends are here and grinning
MOTHER:
No, Ma, I can't.
You're on Smile Time!
Good, she's gone.
Okay, Tommy. You know what to do.
Tommy, you should never
break a promise.
You don 't want to be a bad apple,
do you?
Come on,
you know Smile Time isn 't free.
Now, get over here and touch it.
That's it, Tommy. Come on.
Touch it.
[POLO GROANING]
POLO:
That's it.
Oh, yeah.
Good boy, Tommy.
[GROANING]
MOTHER: Tommy, Grammy's going
to be here in a few hours.
I don't want you watching
that crap all day.
'Cause it's Smile Time
PUPPETS: That's right!
You're on Smile Time
Smile Time
Courier brought this in.
- Looks medical.
- Oh. Right.
Good.
- So, what have you got?
- Mini epidemic, here in L.A.
Eleven children between the ages
of 5 and 8...
...hospitalized due to collapse, over the
last three weeks. None have woken up.
I'm assuming that this thing
is mystical in nature.
Why's that?
Right.
Could be the Joker.
From the comic books.
Just trying to think outside the box.
I know Valentine's
was last week, but...
I didn't take the discount on the card.
Thanks.
We talked about this.
I was thinking maybe
we could talk about it again.
I'm sorry, Knox...
...but you have work to do.
I do.
[MAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
NINA: Hey.
- Hey.
Back for the Wolfram & Hart
bed and breakfast?
Full moon cycle starts tonight.
In 38 minutes, actually.
- Had a snag getting out of the house.
- Haven't told your sister yet?
Not a thing that's easy
to jump to in conversation.
"By the way, Jill,
I've been a werewolf for four months."
I told her I was going camping again.
She's worried I've turned...
...into some New Age-y,
moon-worshipping Wicca person.
Might be relieved you're
just a werewolf.
Hey, Nina, your suite is ready.
- It's okay, Harmony. I'll take her.
- Bye.
Did you get a receipt
from the county clerk on that filing...
...I did for the Wayburn case?
Oh, yeah. Clerk's office called.
Said you filed the wrong papers.
- What?
- Yeah.
You sent them a motion for change
of venue instead of a motion to dismiss.
Unless you meant to do that.
Some kind of tricky lawyer maneuvering
you're trying to pull. That it?
Yeah. Keep them on their toes.
Seems like you're getting used to
the routine, though.
Yeah. In a weird way,
I'm starting to like it.
These stay-overs, I mean.
Not the going all hairy part.
I don't know, coming here...
...there's always something interesting
going on.
And getting to see you.
I look forward to that.
You. All month, actually.
Uh-huh. Um...
I should probably close the cage.
What?
Insurance thing.
- Oh. Right.
- Okay. Um...
Bye.
Anyway, I was thinking...
I mean...
...what are you doing
for breakfast tomorrow?
You know, drinking blood.
Right. Yeah.
See you.
- She asked me to breakfast.
WESLEY: Breakfast?
Right.
- How did you respond?
- Well...
...of course,
I ignored it completely...
...changed the subject,
and locked her in a cage.
- Sorry, what?
- Wes, it wasn't just breakfast.
It was...
..."breakfast."
Here we had this very good...
...very platonic thing going on...
...and then suddenly, out of the blue...
- Are you blind?
There are things called signals.
Odorless, yes. Invisible, certainly.
But unmistakable...
...like the ones she's been casting
your way for months.
No. I would have noticed.
This isn't just from me.
This comes from people who know.
This comes from the ladies.
- The ladies?
- Fred, Harmony...
...the girls in transcription.
As Harmony put it...
...why else would a chick...
...who comes to spend three nights
in a jail cell...
...dress like it's her first date?
- Oh, God.
The ladies are right.
Nina's down there...
...turning into a werewolf
and liking me.
I don't... I can't.
I have no time for that kind of...
I have no right.
- I mean, we all know what happens if...
- lf what?
If you achieve
a moment of perfect happiness?
I turn back into Angelus.
We don't want that.
- What?
- 99.999 ad infinitum percent...
...of the best relationships in the history
of the world have had to make do...
...with acceptable happiness.
- Look, Wes...
Hiding behind your gypsy curse
when there's a beautiful, engaging...
...all right, occasionally hirsute,
young woman who actually wants you?
- Wes, it's not gonna happen.
- Why?
Because I'm not that guy.
That guy is charming and funny...
...and emotionally useful.
I'm the guy in the dark corner...
...with the blood habit and the 200 years
of psychic baggage.
- Get over it!
- Why are you yelling at me?
Because...
Angel...
...if there's a woman out there...
...who you find truly attractive...
...who you think about, let's say,
most of the time...
...who represents even part
of what you think...
...makes the world worth fighting for...
...and who doesn't view you as an
entirely sexless shoulder to lean on...
...you have to do something about it.
Who are we talking about here?
Fred.
Hey, guys. I think I have a case.
- Thank God.
- A children's epidemic.
Seven kids, comatose, each with
a semi-rictus of the facial muscles.
I haven't been able to isolate
a causative agent.
- You think it's mystical.
- I've been down the physiological route.
Number-crunched
all the victims' charts...
...even had our hospital contact
send over blood samples.
I've pulled all their plasma apart.
No indicators on the cellular
or sub-cellular levels.
ANGEL: TV.
- What?
Parents said all the kids collapsed
between 7 and...
...Iooks like 7:30 a.m.
And all of them in front of the TV.
That could be something.
But I'd still like
to get a handle on the pathology.
Good. I'll follow up on this lead.
I'll need to clear my schedule.
These kids need help.
Wow, he really jumped on that one.
Yes, he is a bit jumpy.
He's realized Nina has feelings
for him.
Well, took long enough.
He can be rather dense.
Um... By the way,
my car is in the shop again...
...and I was thinking...
- Of course.
Maybe, you and I, we could...
Yes, Ms. Burkle needs a driver
to take her home tonight.
That's right. 511 Windward Circle.
LORNE: All the signals are there, jefe.
Loud and clear.
Nina definitely wants
a piece of Angel-cake.
Lorne?
- Can we get back to the job?
- Your wish, dreamboat, my command.
I know most of
the showrunners in town...
...and none of them are really up to
this sort of big-league, sinister...
Hey, 7 to 7:30?
Yeah.
That'd be funny.
You know, if it wasn't.
- What?
- Real popular kids' show...
...in the SoCal regional market.
- It's the right time slot and demographic.
- What's it called?
Smile Time.
[SQUEAKING]
SEATED MAN:
You shouldn't...
...be here.
[GRUNTING]
Huh?
[PHONE RINGS]
Practical Science.
ANGEL: Fred.
- Hi, Angel.
- The epidemic might not be mystical.
- Do you think you could...?
Knox found an endocrine dysfunction
in all the children, similar to...
...an obscure rain forest pathogen,
so I put a call in to the CDC...
Fred! Believe me, it's mystical.
Angel?
- You all right?
- You sounded weird on the phone.
WESLEY: Yes, is there a problem?
ANGEL: Oh, there's a problem.
Whoa.
Angel? Is that you?
Oh, my God. Angel, you're...
...cute.
- Fred, don't.
But the little hands.
- And the hair.
- Hey! You're fired.
Sorry I am late, gang.
What's with the big...
...puppet?
Angel, what happened?
I'm not sure.
I went over to Smile Time last night.
I think their office
is under some kind of spell.
I could feel it trying to get at me.
I shook it off, but then I met this guy
with a towel over his head...
...and something exploded.
I woke up like this.
Well, clearly some sort of hex...
...or a powerful warding magic.
Maybe some type of puppet cancer.
I do not have puppet cancer!
Come on, guys,
this is a serious situation.
I'm a puppet,
and there are children's lives at...
Hey, it's Smile Time!
Stupid plastic piece of crap!
What?
Angel, it's okay.
This transformation may have altered
your stress response mechanism.
- What?
- He's saying you have...
...the proportionate excitability
of a puppet your size.
GROOFUS: Hey there.
POLO: Hi.
- Looks like Polo has the grumpies.
- Yeah, he sure does, Groofus.
That mean old Mr. Fish-And-Chips said
that Polo won 't win the race tomorrow...
... no matter how hard he tries.
Uh-huh. And I feel just awful.
What if Mr. Fish-And-Chips is right?
Tracy, record the program
that's running on Channel 12 right now.
Use everything. I'm gonna need
a full-spectrum analysis.
Self-esteem is for everybody
Self-esteem is for everyone
You can dream and be anybody
But self-esteem
Is how you get it done
Self-esteem is how you get it done
Wes, put Special-Ops on red alert.
- Red alert?
- I want helicopters and tear gas.
- Angel...
- This is war!
Angel, baby, Muppet, pumpkin.
This show's number one in its time slot.
Tykes love it across the Southland.
We can't just toss a jihad at their studio.
No. Right.
Lorne, who runs Smile Time?
That's Gregor Framkin.
Real rags-to-riches. Started out in a
garage with used couches and a glue gun.
He turned it into a puppet gold mine.
Yeah, great.
You and Gunn go and meet with Framkin.
Pressure him, see if he cracks.
Tell him we're onto him.
Fred, Wes, figure out
what Framkin did to those kids.
- And what he's done to me.
WESLEY: Absolutely.
[SIGHS]
Oh, uh, guys, this condition of mine...
...it's classified
until further notice, okay?
[PUPPETS SINGING ON TV]
Self-esteem is for everybody
Self-esteem is for everyone
You can dream and be anybody
But self-esteem
Is how you get it done
NINA: Angel?
- Huh?
[TV TURNS OFF]
- Angel?
- Damn it.
NINA:
You... Are you under your desk?
No, I...
Yes.
- So was there something...?
- Well, I can see you're...
...busy.
Listen, what I put out there
last night...
- I don't know, if it was a problem...
- Nope. No problem.
Um...
Is there a reason why
you won't look at me?
Because I'm under my desk.
- Angel...
- Would you mind getting out of here?
All right. Sorry...
...I guess.
[GRUMBLING]
ANGEL:
Nightmare.
SPIKE:
Hey, big guy.
Need another car.
Afraid this last one ended up in the drink.
- Spike.
- Look at you.
Just turn around and walk away.
- You're a...
- Spike!
You're a bloody puppet!
[SPIKE LAUGHING]
You're a wee little puppet man.
Ow! Hey, that's enough.
Angel, what the hell happened to you?
- You look ridiculous.
- Get out of here, Spike.
- Oh, my God, Angel, you're a...
- Shut up.
What are you people looking at?
Well?
They're looking at
the wee little puppet man.
[SCREAMS]
Oh! Whoa! Whoa!
ANGEL:
Stupid, limey piece of crap!
Yes, I'm a puppet.
Doesn't mean
you don't have work to do.
Harmony, get my call list.
- Um...
ANGEL: Spike needs a car.
You heard the puppet.
GUNN:
Mr. Framkin?
Hi there.
Excuse me for not getting up.
Bit glued in at the moment.
We've been tracking an epidemic
that's affecting a great many...
- Cocoa?
- What?
I can have some cocoa brought in.
Extra yummy.
- Got those itty-bitty marshmallows.
- Those are good. Listen, Santa...
...keep your tempting beverages
to yourself. We're from...
Wolfram & Hart. Yes, I've heard of it,
and of you. Made quite an impression...
...in our industry.
So much accomplishment...
...despite your unfortunate deformities.
- Deforma... What?
- We have a song at Smile Time...
...that reminds me
of your courage and pluck.
It's called "Courage and Pluck."
It goes a little like this:
Oh, courage and pluck
Courage and pluck...
Okay, Framkin, enough.
We're onto you, understand?
We'll shut you down.
Oh, my.
- On what grounds?
- For starters...
...violations of the provisions
of section five...
Five...
...six-eight-C...
...set forth in chapter 15
of the children's...
...TV thing.
You turned my boss
into a fricking puppet.
- I disagree.
- Yeah, but...
- You what?
- And if your intent is to pressure me...
...extort money, do any of the things
your firm is famous for...
...I'm afraid you're in for a fight.
Yeah? Well, a fight suits us just fine,
Papa Smurf.
We'll let the entire world know
what you're up to.
Up to? Gentlemen,
I bring joy and laughter to children.
You bring tax exemptions
to nasty corporations...
...and acquittals to the guilty.
Frankly, I doubt the world
wants to hear from you.
Come on. We're done talking
to this hump of garbage.
No name-calling at Smile Time.
Bad person!
Bye-bye, now.
[HUMMING]
Get everybody in here.
We got a problem.
Okay, which one of you
short-bus bastards...
...turned the CEO of Wolfram & Hart
into a puppet?
[BABBLING AND SQUEAKING]
What do you mean "it wasn't us"?
Ratio's right, man.
This Angel cat must have been the dude
that broke into the Don't Room last night.
That's what I'm saying.
He messed with the nest egg.
Stupid jackass. Might as well walk into
a nuclear reactor and lick the core.
I mean, anything could've happened
to him, to us, to...
You just don't mess around
with the nest egg!
Maybe we should take the spell off
some of our workers...
...so they can see an intruder.
Yeah, damn zombies
can't even work a camera.
Doesn't matter.
The nest egg's got enough power...
...to keep our cloaking spells up...
...make our connections
with the kiddies...
...even turn this Angel
into a puppet.
Which is definitely gonna bite us
in the ass.
Then we make sure our ass
ain't here to bite.
- What?
- Ratio has perfected our little system.
Tomorrow, we go on the air...
...and instead of draining
one brat's life-force at a time...
...we can take out our whole
demographic in one fell swoop.
FLORA: Wow.
GROOFUS: Yeah.
- So tomorrow will be a pretty big show.
- The biggest.
Cool, because I've been working on
this great song...
...about the difference
between analogy and metaphor.
- Man!
- Are you out of your mind?
- Well, we want it to be good, don't we?
- We eat babies' lives.
And uphold a certain standard
of quality edu-tainment.
Screw edu-tainment.
The life-force we're pulling out
of these kids...
...is 100 percent pure innocence,
dickwad!
You have any idea the street value
that carries down in hell?
Damn right, we're gonna be rich.
Enough to build our very own Hades.
- I admit, I like the sound of that.
FLORA: Mm-hmm.
POLO:
After tomorrow's harvest...
...we're gonna torch this crap hole
and blow town before the rafters fall.
Please, let me...
Someone say you could join in?
Let me die.
Oh...
Are you saying
you want to talk to the hand?
I think he does.
Come on, fat boy...
...why don't you talk to the hand.
[SCREAMS]
[PUPPETS LAUGHING]
Make him swallow his tongue again.
ANGEL:
Uh, Nina?
Angel?
Yeah, sort of.
Listen, I want to apologize about
the way I treated you this morning.
- Look, Angel, I understand.
- Pretty sure you don't.
You've got this whole complicated,
important life going on...
...and the last thing you need to
deal with is a crush from Monster Girl...
...some charity case
you were nice enough to...
Nina...
Oh...
I was turned into a puppet last night.
I... Uh...
Wow.
Are you...?
Are you okay?
I'm made of felt.
And my nose comes off.
I don't know what to say.
My people are working on the problem.
I'm sure they'll fix it.
Eventually.
I didn't mean to upset you this morning.
I just didn't want anyone...
Well, I didn't want you
to see me this way.
It's a little...
...embarrassing, I guess.
I'd call it a little insane.
But...
...what do you care what people think,
anyway?
Angel, you're you, you know?
You're this...
I mean, God, you're an actual hero.
And this may sound cliche
coming from an art school chick...
...but the vampire thing
is kind of sexy.
It all sounds good.
But that's not how I feel.
I know.
That's what I like about you.
I'm not very good at any of this.
I've spent so much time
worrying about the past and the future...
...and my very complicated life.
It's been a while since I've looked up...
...and really saw
what was going on around me.
It's not my strong suit, you know.
But I'm working on it.
I'm paying better attention to...
[NINA SNARLS]
ANGEL:
Jeez!
No! No, Nina!
Bad Nina!
[ANGEL SCREAMS]
[GROANING]
- Lorne.
- My little prince.
LORNE:
What did they do to you?
Nina tried to...
...eat me.
- Medic!
You're gonna make it, Angel.
Just don't stop fighting.
Doctor!
Is there a Geppetto in the house?
[KNOCKING]
SPARROW:
Good. Good.
With you in a minute.
So I want you to keep those glasses on
for a full week.
Give those fancy new retinas time
to adjust. See you in 14 days.
- X-ray vision. Very now.
- Something's wrong with my implant.
Well, I doubt that. Gunn, isn't it?
Well, let's take a look.
[HUMMING]
Ah. The imprint is fading.
The neural-path modification
has almost completely reverted.
I'm losing it.
The law, the languages, the strategy.
Acute Flowers for Algernon syndrome.
- It must be sheer torture.
- Well, fix it.
Put it back.
Well, no offense, counselor,
but your insurance plan...
...wouldn't cover what I charge
to wash my hands.
You got that upgrade because
the senior partners wished it.
And if you're losing it, well,
they wanted that too.
Why would they do that?
[LAUGHING]
You never know with them.
I can't lose this.
This power, these skills...
...they've changed me.
- Given me...
- Meaning?
And to have it taken away,
it's heartbreaking.
Though I do think Cliff Robertson
expressed it more elegantly.
I'm not going back to who I was.
Well, maybe. Maybe not.
See, I always have a few things going
on the side.
Currently, I have a lot of capital
sunk into a shipment...
...that's being held up at customs.
Drugs?
Goodness, no. I make my own drugs.
No, just an ancient curio...
...a collectable I hope
to turn a profit on.
If I was to give you
the permanent upgrade...
...I'd say you'd be more than able...
...to cut through all my red tape.
- I don't make deals with people like you.
And believe me,
I don't make deals with people like you.
Not the person you really are...
...the ignorant street muscle.
A high-school dropout.
I would, however, love to make a deal
with Charles Gunn, attorney at law.
And now it's time
for Action Math News...
... with your Action Math experts,
Ratio Hornblower and Groofus.
[RATIO TOOTING]
Thank you, Polo.
Our top story this morning...
... two plus two is four.
And in related news...
... four plus four is eight.
Could be the lack of sleep talking,
but I'm really starting to like this show.
I know what you mean.
What time is it?
4 a.m. and counting.
- Sorry, did you want...?
- It's all right.
- Because I could...
- No. Really.
All right, what are we missing?
Guess we should go back
and comb through the signal spread.
Check all the tracks again.
Again? What's up with you two?
The tracks are clear. We ran it
through every filter we've got.
- That's not how magic works, Knox.
- Really, Merlin?
Then how does magic work?
You know what,
I think we can handle it from here.
You should go home, Knox.
Get some rest.
I don't want to abandon ship.
It's okay. Somebody's got to be
awake enough to run the lab tomorrow.
Seriously, go home.
Well, okay.
[GROOFUS SINGING ON TV]
FRED:
I love this one.
So how's it going with you and Knox?
- I know you were starting to...
- Started and stopped, actually.
- Really?
- Yeah.
We went out a few times, but...
I don't know.
So you stopped it?
Yeah. He's nice enough...
...but I think he's been working here
too long.
Plus, he doesn't make me laugh at all.
- He tries, but...
- I see.
You're looking for someone funny.
A certain kind of funny, yeah.
But I'm not really looking for...
...so much as looking...
- Hang on.
Go back a second.
There's something different.
Maybe if we bring up the volume.
Polo isn't singing with the rest of them.
It looks like he's talking to the audience.
WESLEY: Yes. When the song is playing,
it acts as a sort of cloaking spell...
...allowing Framkin to address his target
unseen by the rest of his viewers.
So that's how he's been hiding it.
No, that's how he was hiding it.
[GRUNTING]
Stupid fingers.
Stupid string.
It's all in the broadcast. Some very
nuanced magic, but we found it finally.
- Angel, what happened?
- Nothing. It's not important.
Doesn't matter.
- Go on.
- It's a hidden carrier wave...
...masked by a spell that turns the TV
into a two-way conduit to the viewer.
WESLEY:
That's how he drained energy.
And judging from the strength
of yesterday's signal...
Framkin's ready to take out
the whole audience.
The object you described
in that secret room...
...is probably a repository
for the children's life-force.
We'll have to break
the binding magic on it.
Which should free those children
and reverse your puppet problem.
[WHIMPERS]
I love you guys.
Oh...
We'd better get moving.
Framkin knows we're onto him.
If he's ready to zap his whole audience,
he'll pull the trigger today.
Not "him." "Them."
- Gunn.
GUNN: Framkin's not doing this.
It's the puppets. They're demons.
The show is possessed.
Smile Time's ratings hit a low.
Framkin made a deal with some devils...
...to bring it back to number one.
- You sure?
Dead sure. Every contract they signed is
filed in the Library of Demonic Congress.
You just gotta know where to look.
Pretty tricky legalese too.
Framkin must have missed
the fine print.
Which allowed them
to take over everything.
Including Framkin. These particular devils
have a fairly distinctive M.O.
- They've done this before?
- Seen the last seasons of Happy Days?
Point is, you want to take out
Smile Time, take out the puppets.
Well, then...
...let's take out some puppets.
[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
[PUPPETS SINGING ON TV]
- Hi there.
- Hi.
Listen, kids, today is gonna be
an extra special best show ever.
But only if everyone at home
can give us a hand.
Now, get up...
... come over here.
That's it, everyone.
Right there.
[GROANING]
POLO:
Let it go.
Let it all go.
After all, it's Smile Time!
ANGEL:
No, it's not.
It's time to kick your ass
all the way back to hell.
You.
[YELLS]
Hey, man, you're ruining the show.
[GASPS]
[TOOTS]
We're working on it.
Angel.
It's a full-scale attack.
Ratio, the nest egg!
[TOOTING]
Aperi rumpe, solve reveni.
Aperi rumpe...
... solve reveni...
Don't look at it, Fred.
Refer quod furatum...
- Wes!
- No, Fred, keep reading!
GUNN:
I got him.
[FLORA SCREAMS]
Gimme those pretty eyes.
FRED:
- solve reveni.
Aperi rumpe, solve reveni.
Fracta omnia...
I'm gonna tear you
a new puppet hole, bitch.
So you got a little demon in you.
I got a lot of demon in me.
Now, come on.
[SCREAMING]
FRED:
Omnia, incantamenta fracta.
Omnia, vincula sublata.
ANGEL:
Gunn?
Think I'm good.
- fracta.
Aperi rumpe...
... solve reveni.
WOMAN:
Hannah, what's going on in there?
Nothing. Just watching TV.
Oh, my God.
I ate him.
[KNOCKING]
Hey, you decent?
Angel. Oh, thank God.
Hold on one second.
Okay.
Wow, sorry.
Takes getting used to.
Tell me about it. Wes and Fred said
my condition is improving, though.
- So you're going to change back?
- Yeah. Two, three days, tops.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Anyway...
What are you doing for breakfast?
What do puppets eat?
Let's find out.
I just got off the phone.
Looks like the kids are coming out
of their stasis.
Oh. Good.
I think we did some excellent work
back there.
I think you're right.
And now...
And now...
We better get some rest.
No telling when the next crisis
will strike.
You're just gonna go, aren't you?
- Fred.
- Haven't you been...
...sensing anything lately?
About me? Coming from me?
Didn't occur to you
that something might have changed?
That I am looking at you
in a different...
Oh, screw it.
- Um...
- That was a signal.
Okay?
Is that clear enough for you?
Not even close.
Subtitles by
SDI Media Group
[ENGLISH SDH]
In our secret backyard
We can make your day more fun
And less hard
No more frowning, let's get learning
A- B-C's and 1-2-3-4's
Everything from words to weather
We'll discover them together
MOTHER: Because he's still sick, Ma.
He can't keep anything down.
Yeah, and he's running a temperature.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
My shift starts in a half an hour.
- Yes.
- All your friends are here and grinning
MOTHER:
No, Ma, I can't.
You're on Smile Time!
Good, she's gone.
Okay, Tommy. You know what to do.
Tommy, you should never
break a promise.
You don 't want to be a bad apple,
do you?
Come on,
you know Smile Time isn 't free.
Now, get over here and touch it.
That's it, Tommy. Come on.
Touch it.
[POLO GROANING]
POLO:
That's it.
Oh, yeah.
Good boy, Tommy.
[GROANING]
MOTHER: Tommy, Grammy's going
to be here in a few hours.
I don't want you watching
that crap all day.
'Cause it's Smile Time
PUPPETS: That's right!
You're on Smile Time
Smile Time
Courier brought this in.
- Looks medical.
- Oh. Right.
Good.
- So, what have you got?
- Mini epidemic, here in L.A.
Eleven children between the ages
of 5 and 8...
...hospitalized due to collapse, over the
last three weeks. None have woken up.
I'm assuming that this thing
is mystical in nature.
Why's that?
Right.
Could be the Joker.
From the comic books.
Just trying to think outside the box.
I know Valentine's
was last week, but...
I didn't take the discount on the card.
Thanks.
We talked about this.
I was thinking maybe
we could talk about it again.
I'm sorry, Knox...
...but you have work to do.
I do.
[MAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
NINA: Hey.
- Hey.
Back for the Wolfram & Hart
bed and breakfast?
Full moon cycle starts tonight.
In 38 minutes, actually.
- Had a snag getting out of the house.
- Haven't told your sister yet?
Not a thing that's easy
to jump to in conversation.
"By the way, Jill,
I've been a werewolf for four months."
I told her I was going camping again.
She's worried I've turned...
...into some New Age-y,
moon-worshipping Wicca person.
Might be relieved you're
just a werewolf.
Hey, Nina, your suite is ready.
- It's okay, Harmony. I'll take her.
- Bye.
Did you get a receipt
from the county clerk on that filing...
...I did for the Wayburn case?
Oh, yeah. Clerk's office called.
Said you filed the wrong papers.
- What?
- Yeah.
You sent them a motion for change
of venue instead of a motion to dismiss.
Unless you meant to do that.
Some kind of tricky lawyer maneuvering
you're trying to pull. That it?
Yeah. Keep them on their toes.
Seems like you're getting used to
the routine, though.
Yeah. In a weird way,
I'm starting to like it.
These stay-overs, I mean.
Not the going all hairy part.
I don't know, coming here...
...there's always something interesting
going on.
And getting to see you.
I look forward to that.
You. All month, actually.
Uh-huh. Um...
I should probably close the cage.
What?
Insurance thing.
- Oh. Right.
- Okay. Um...
Bye.
Anyway, I was thinking...
I mean...
...what are you doing
for breakfast tomorrow?
You know, drinking blood.
Right. Yeah.
See you.
- She asked me to breakfast.
WESLEY: Breakfast?
Right.
- How did you respond?
- Well...
...of course,
I ignored it completely...
...changed the subject,
and locked her in a cage.
- Sorry, what?
- Wes, it wasn't just breakfast.
It was...
..."breakfast."
Here we had this very good...
...very platonic thing going on...
...and then suddenly, out of the blue...
- Are you blind?
There are things called signals.
Odorless, yes. Invisible, certainly.
But unmistakable...
...like the ones she's been casting
your way for months.
No. I would have noticed.
This isn't just from me.
This comes from people who know.
This comes from the ladies.
- The ladies?
- Fred, Harmony...
...the girls in transcription.
As Harmony put it...
...why else would a chick...
...who comes to spend three nights
in a jail cell...
...dress like it's her first date?
- Oh, God.
The ladies are right.
Nina's down there...
...turning into a werewolf
and liking me.
I don't... I can't.
I have no time for that kind of...
I have no right.
- I mean, we all know what happens if...
- lf what?
If you achieve
a moment of perfect happiness?
I turn back into Angelus.
We don't want that.
- What?
- 99.999 ad infinitum percent...
...of the best relationships in the history
of the world have had to make do...
...with acceptable happiness.
- Look, Wes...
Hiding behind your gypsy curse
when there's a beautiful, engaging...
...all right, occasionally hirsute,
young woman who actually wants you?
- Wes, it's not gonna happen.
- Why?
Because I'm not that guy.
That guy is charming and funny...
...and emotionally useful.
I'm the guy in the dark corner...
...with the blood habit and the 200 years
of psychic baggage.
- Get over it!
- Why are you yelling at me?
Because...
Angel...
...if there's a woman out there...
...who you find truly attractive...
...who you think about, let's say,
most of the time...
...who represents even part
of what you think...
...makes the world worth fighting for...
...and who doesn't view you as an
entirely sexless shoulder to lean on...
...you have to do something about it.
Who are we talking about here?
Fred.
Hey, guys. I think I have a case.
- Thank God.
- A children's epidemic.
Seven kids, comatose, each with
a semi-rictus of the facial muscles.
I haven't been able to isolate
a causative agent.
- You think it's mystical.
- I've been down the physiological route.
Number-crunched
all the victims' charts...
...even had our hospital contact
send over blood samples.
I've pulled all their plasma apart.
No indicators on the cellular
or sub-cellular levels.
ANGEL: TV.
- What?
Parents said all the kids collapsed
between 7 and...
...Iooks like 7:30 a.m.
And all of them in front of the TV.
That could be something.
But I'd still like
to get a handle on the pathology.
Good. I'll follow up on this lead.
I'll need to clear my schedule.
These kids need help.
Wow, he really jumped on that one.
Yes, he is a bit jumpy.
He's realized Nina has feelings
for him.
Well, took long enough.
He can be rather dense.
Um... By the way,
my car is in the shop again...
...and I was thinking...
- Of course.
Maybe, you and I, we could...
Yes, Ms. Burkle needs a driver
to take her home tonight.
That's right. 511 Windward Circle.
LORNE: All the signals are there, jefe.
Loud and clear.
Nina definitely wants
a piece of Angel-cake.
Lorne?
- Can we get back to the job?
- Your wish, dreamboat, my command.
I know most of
the showrunners in town...
...and none of them are really up to
this sort of big-league, sinister...
Hey, 7 to 7:30?
Yeah.
That'd be funny.
You know, if it wasn't.
- What?
- Real popular kids' show...
...in the SoCal regional market.
- It's the right time slot and demographic.
- What's it called?
Smile Time.
[SQUEAKING]
SEATED MAN:
You shouldn't...
...be here.
[GRUNTING]
Huh?
[PHONE RINGS]
Practical Science.
ANGEL: Fred.
- Hi, Angel.
- The epidemic might not be mystical.
- Do you think you could...?
Knox found an endocrine dysfunction
in all the children, similar to...
...an obscure rain forest pathogen,
so I put a call in to the CDC...
Fred! Believe me, it's mystical.
Angel?
- You all right?
- You sounded weird on the phone.
WESLEY: Yes, is there a problem?
ANGEL: Oh, there's a problem.
Whoa.
Angel? Is that you?
Oh, my God. Angel, you're...
...cute.
- Fred, don't.
But the little hands.
- And the hair.
- Hey! You're fired.
Sorry I am late, gang.
What's with the big...
...puppet?
Angel, what happened?
I'm not sure.
I went over to Smile Time last night.
I think their office
is under some kind of spell.
I could feel it trying to get at me.
I shook it off, but then I met this guy
with a towel over his head...
...and something exploded.
I woke up like this.
Well, clearly some sort of hex...
...or a powerful warding magic.
Maybe some type of puppet cancer.
I do not have puppet cancer!
Come on, guys,
this is a serious situation.
I'm a puppet,
and there are children's lives at...
Hey, it's Smile Time!
Stupid plastic piece of crap!
What?
Angel, it's okay.
This transformation may have altered
your stress response mechanism.
- What?
- He's saying you have...
...the proportionate excitability
of a puppet your size.
GROOFUS: Hey there.
POLO: Hi.
- Looks like Polo has the grumpies.
- Yeah, he sure does, Groofus.
That mean old Mr. Fish-And-Chips said
that Polo won 't win the race tomorrow...
... no matter how hard he tries.
Uh-huh. And I feel just awful.
What if Mr. Fish-And-Chips is right?
Tracy, record the program
that's running on Channel 12 right now.
Use everything. I'm gonna need
a full-spectrum analysis.
Self-esteem is for everybody
Self-esteem is for everyone
You can dream and be anybody
But self-esteem
Is how you get it done
Self-esteem is how you get it done
Wes, put Special-Ops on red alert.
- Red alert?
- I want helicopters and tear gas.
- Angel...
- This is war!
Angel, baby, Muppet, pumpkin.
This show's number one in its time slot.
Tykes love it across the Southland.
We can't just toss a jihad at their studio.
No. Right.
Lorne, who runs Smile Time?
That's Gregor Framkin.
Real rags-to-riches. Started out in a
garage with used couches and a glue gun.
He turned it into a puppet gold mine.
Yeah, great.
You and Gunn go and meet with Framkin.
Pressure him, see if he cracks.
Tell him we're onto him.
Fred, Wes, figure out
what Framkin did to those kids.
- And what he's done to me.
WESLEY: Absolutely.
[SIGHS]
Oh, uh, guys, this condition of mine...
...it's classified
until further notice, okay?
[PUPPETS SINGING ON TV]
Self-esteem is for everybody
Self-esteem is for everyone
You can dream and be anybody
But self-esteem
Is how you get it done
NINA: Angel?
- Huh?
[TV TURNS OFF]
- Angel?
- Damn it.
NINA:
You... Are you under your desk?
No, I...
Yes.
- So was there something...?
- Well, I can see you're...
...busy.
Listen, what I put out there
last night...
- I don't know, if it was a problem...
- Nope. No problem.
Um...
Is there a reason why
you won't look at me?
Because I'm under my desk.
- Angel...
- Would you mind getting out of here?
All right. Sorry...
...I guess.
[GRUMBLING]
ANGEL:
Nightmare.
SPIKE:
Hey, big guy.
Need another car.
Afraid this last one ended up in the drink.
- Spike.
- Look at you.
Just turn around and walk away.
- You're a...
- Spike!
You're a bloody puppet!
[SPIKE LAUGHING]
You're a wee little puppet man.
Ow! Hey, that's enough.
Angel, what the hell happened to you?
- You look ridiculous.
- Get out of here, Spike.
- Oh, my God, Angel, you're a...
- Shut up.
What are you people looking at?
Well?
They're looking at
the wee little puppet man.
[SCREAMS]
Oh! Whoa! Whoa!
ANGEL:
Stupid, limey piece of crap!
Yes, I'm a puppet.
Doesn't mean
you don't have work to do.
Harmony, get my call list.
- Um...
ANGEL: Spike needs a car.
You heard the puppet.
GUNN:
Mr. Framkin?
Hi there.
Excuse me for not getting up.
Bit glued in at the moment.
We've been tracking an epidemic
that's affecting a great many...
- Cocoa?
- What?
I can have some cocoa brought in.
Extra yummy.
- Got those itty-bitty marshmallows.
- Those are good. Listen, Santa...
...keep your tempting beverages
to yourself. We're from...
Wolfram & Hart. Yes, I've heard of it,
and of you. Made quite an impression...
...in our industry.
So much accomplishment...
...despite your unfortunate deformities.
- Deforma... What?
- We have a song at Smile Time...
...that reminds me
of your courage and pluck.
It's called "Courage and Pluck."
It goes a little like this:
Oh, courage and pluck
Courage and pluck...
Okay, Framkin, enough.
We're onto you, understand?
We'll shut you down.
Oh, my.
- On what grounds?
- For starters...
...violations of the provisions
of section five...
Five...
...six-eight-C...
...set forth in chapter 15
of the children's...
...TV thing.
You turned my boss
into a fricking puppet.
- I disagree.
- Yeah, but...
- You what?
- And if your intent is to pressure me...
...extort money, do any of the things
your firm is famous for...
...I'm afraid you're in for a fight.
Yeah? Well, a fight suits us just fine,
Papa Smurf.
We'll let the entire world know
what you're up to.
Up to? Gentlemen,
I bring joy and laughter to children.
You bring tax exemptions
to nasty corporations...
...and acquittals to the guilty.
Frankly, I doubt the world
wants to hear from you.
Come on. We're done talking
to this hump of garbage.
No name-calling at Smile Time.
Bad person!
Bye-bye, now.
[HUMMING]
Get everybody in here.
We got a problem.
Okay, which one of you
short-bus bastards...
...turned the CEO of Wolfram & Hart
into a puppet?
[BABBLING AND SQUEAKING]
What do you mean "it wasn't us"?
Ratio's right, man.
This Angel cat must have been the dude
that broke into the Don't Room last night.
That's what I'm saying.
He messed with the nest egg.
Stupid jackass. Might as well walk into
a nuclear reactor and lick the core.
I mean, anything could've happened
to him, to us, to...
You just don't mess around
with the nest egg!
Maybe we should take the spell off
some of our workers...
...so they can see an intruder.
Yeah, damn zombies
can't even work a camera.
Doesn't matter.
The nest egg's got enough power...
...to keep our cloaking spells up...
...make our connections
with the kiddies...
...even turn this Angel
into a puppet.
Which is definitely gonna bite us
in the ass.
Then we make sure our ass
ain't here to bite.
- What?
- Ratio has perfected our little system.
Tomorrow, we go on the air...
...and instead of draining
one brat's life-force at a time...
...we can take out our whole
demographic in one fell swoop.
FLORA: Wow.
GROOFUS: Yeah.
- So tomorrow will be a pretty big show.
- The biggest.
Cool, because I've been working on
this great song...
...about the difference
between analogy and metaphor.
- Man!
- Are you out of your mind?
- Well, we want it to be good, don't we?
- We eat babies' lives.
And uphold a certain standard
of quality edu-tainment.
Screw edu-tainment.
The life-force we're pulling out
of these kids...
...is 100 percent pure innocence,
dickwad!
You have any idea the street value
that carries down in hell?
Damn right, we're gonna be rich.
Enough to build our very own Hades.
- I admit, I like the sound of that.
FLORA: Mm-hmm.
POLO:
After tomorrow's harvest...
...we're gonna torch this crap hole
and blow town before the rafters fall.
Please, let me...
Someone say you could join in?
Let me die.
Oh...
Are you saying
you want to talk to the hand?
I think he does.
Come on, fat boy...
...why don't you talk to the hand.
[SCREAMS]
[PUPPETS LAUGHING]
Make him swallow his tongue again.
ANGEL:
Uh, Nina?
Angel?
Yeah, sort of.
Listen, I want to apologize about
the way I treated you this morning.
- Look, Angel, I understand.
- Pretty sure you don't.
You've got this whole complicated,
important life going on...
...and the last thing you need to
deal with is a crush from Monster Girl...
...some charity case
you were nice enough to...
Nina...
Oh...
I was turned into a puppet last night.
I... Uh...
Wow.
Are you...?
Are you okay?
I'm made of felt.
And my nose comes off.
I don't know what to say.
My people are working on the problem.
I'm sure they'll fix it.
Eventually.
I didn't mean to upset you this morning.
I just didn't want anyone...
Well, I didn't want you
to see me this way.
It's a little...
...embarrassing, I guess.
I'd call it a little insane.
But...
...what do you care what people think,
anyway?
Angel, you're you, you know?
You're this...
I mean, God, you're an actual hero.
And this may sound cliche
coming from an art school chick...
...but the vampire thing
is kind of sexy.
It all sounds good.
But that's not how I feel.
I know.
That's what I like about you.
I'm not very good at any of this.
I've spent so much time
worrying about the past and the future...
...and my very complicated life.
It's been a while since I've looked up...
...and really saw
what was going on around me.
It's not my strong suit, you know.
But I'm working on it.
I'm paying better attention to...
[NINA SNARLS]
ANGEL:
Jeez!
No! No, Nina!
Bad Nina!
[ANGEL SCREAMS]
[GROANING]
- Lorne.
- My little prince.
LORNE:
What did they do to you?
Nina tried to...
...eat me.
- Medic!
You're gonna make it, Angel.
Just don't stop fighting.
Doctor!
Is there a Geppetto in the house?
[KNOCKING]
SPARROW:
Good. Good.
With you in a minute.
So I want you to keep those glasses on
for a full week.
Give those fancy new retinas time
to adjust. See you in 14 days.
- X-ray vision. Very now.
- Something's wrong with my implant.
Well, I doubt that. Gunn, isn't it?
Well, let's take a look.
[HUMMING]
Ah. The imprint is fading.
The neural-path modification
has almost completely reverted.
I'm losing it.
The law, the languages, the strategy.
Acute Flowers for Algernon syndrome.
- It must be sheer torture.
- Well, fix it.
Put it back.
Well, no offense, counselor,
but your insurance plan...
...wouldn't cover what I charge
to wash my hands.
You got that upgrade because
the senior partners wished it.
And if you're losing it, well,
they wanted that too.
Why would they do that?
[LAUGHING]
You never know with them.
I can't lose this.
This power, these skills...
...they've changed me.
- Given me...
- Meaning?
And to have it taken away,
it's heartbreaking.
Though I do think Cliff Robertson
expressed it more elegantly.
I'm not going back to who I was.
Well, maybe. Maybe not.
See, I always have a few things going
on the side.
Currently, I have a lot of capital
sunk into a shipment...
...that's being held up at customs.
Drugs?
Goodness, no. I make my own drugs.
No, just an ancient curio...
...a collectable I hope
to turn a profit on.
If I was to give you
the permanent upgrade...
...I'd say you'd be more than able...
...to cut through all my red tape.
- I don't make deals with people like you.
And believe me,
I don't make deals with people like you.
Not the person you really are...
...the ignorant street muscle.
A high-school dropout.
I would, however, love to make a deal
with Charles Gunn, attorney at law.
And now it's time
for Action Math News...
... with your Action Math experts,
Ratio Hornblower and Groofus.
[RATIO TOOTING]
Thank you, Polo.
Our top story this morning...
... two plus two is four.
And in related news...
... four plus four is eight.
Could be the lack of sleep talking,
but I'm really starting to like this show.
I know what you mean.
What time is it?
4 a.m. and counting.
- Sorry, did you want...?
- It's all right.
- Because I could...
- No. Really.
All right, what are we missing?
Guess we should go back
and comb through the signal spread.
Check all the tracks again.
Again? What's up with you two?
The tracks are clear. We ran it
through every filter we've got.
- That's not how magic works, Knox.
- Really, Merlin?
Then how does magic work?
You know what,
I think we can handle it from here.
You should go home, Knox.
Get some rest.
I don't want to abandon ship.
It's okay. Somebody's got to be
awake enough to run the lab tomorrow.
Seriously, go home.
Well, okay.
[GROOFUS SINGING ON TV]
FRED:
I love this one.
So how's it going with you and Knox?
- I know you were starting to...
- Started and stopped, actually.
- Really?
- Yeah.
We went out a few times, but...
I don't know.
So you stopped it?
Yeah. He's nice enough...
...but I think he's been working here
too long.
Plus, he doesn't make me laugh at all.
- He tries, but...
- I see.
You're looking for someone funny.
A certain kind of funny, yeah.
But I'm not really looking for...
...so much as looking...
- Hang on.
Go back a second.
There's something different.
Maybe if we bring up the volume.
Polo isn't singing with the rest of them.
It looks like he's talking to the audience.
WESLEY: Yes. When the song is playing,
it acts as a sort of cloaking spell...
...allowing Framkin to address his target
unseen by the rest of his viewers.
So that's how he's been hiding it.
No, that's how he was hiding it.
[GRUNTING]
Stupid fingers.
Stupid string.
It's all in the broadcast. Some very
nuanced magic, but we found it finally.
- Angel, what happened?
- Nothing. It's not important.
Doesn't matter.
- Go on.
- It's a hidden carrier wave...
...masked by a spell that turns the TV
into a two-way conduit to the viewer.
WESLEY:
That's how he drained energy.
And judging from the strength
of yesterday's signal...
Framkin's ready to take out
the whole audience.
The object you described
in that secret room...
...is probably a repository
for the children's life-force.
We'll have to break
the binding magic on it.
Which should free those children
and reverse your puppet problem.
[WHIMPERS]
I love you guys.
Oh...
We'd better get moving.
Framkin knows we're onto him.
If he's ready to zap his whole audience,
he'll pull the trigger today.
Not "him." "Them."
- Gunn.
GUNN: Framkin's not doing this.
It's the puppets. They're demons.
The show is possessed.
Smile Time's ratings hit a low.
Framkin made a deal with some devils...
...to bring it back to number one.
- You sure?
Dead sure. Every contract they signed is
filed in the Library of Demonic Congress.
You just gotta know where to look.
Pretty tricky legalese too.
Framkin must have missed
the fine print.
Which allowed them
to take over everything.
Including Framkin. These particular devils
have a fairly distinctive M.O.
- They've done this before?
- Seen the last seasons of Happy Days?
Point is, you want to take out
Smile Time, take out the puppets.
Well, then...
...let's take out some puppets.
[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
[PUPPETS SINGING ON TV]
- Hi there.
- Hi.
Listen, kids, today is gonna be
an extra special best show ever.
But only if everyone at home
can give us a hand.
Now, get up...
... come over here.
That's it, everyone.
Right there.
[GROANING]
POLO:
Let it go.
Let it all go.
After all, it's Smile Time!
ANGEL:
No, it's not.
It's time to kick your ass
all the way back to hell.
You.
[YELLS]
Hey, man, you're ruining the show.
[GASPS]
[TOOTS]
We're working on it.
Angel.
It's a full-scale attack.
Ratio, the nest egg!
[TOOTING]
Aperi rumpe, solve reveni.
Aperi rumpe...
... solve reveni...
Don't look at it, Fred.
Refer quod furatum...
- Wes!
- No, Fred, keep reading!
GUNN:
I got him.
[FLORA SCREAMS]
Gimme those pretty eyes.
FRED:
- solve reveni.
Aperi rumpe, solve reveni.
Fracta omnia...
I'm gonna tear you
a new puppet hole, bitch.
So you got a little demon in you.
I got a lot of demon in me.
Now, come on.
[SCREAMING]
FRED:
Omnia, incantamenta fracta.
Omnia, vincula sublata.
ANGEL:
Gunn?
Think I'm good.
- fracta.
Aperi rumpe...
... solve reveni.
WOMAN:
Hannah, what's going on in there?
Nothing. Just watching TV.
Oh, my God.
I ate him.
[KNOCKING]
Hey, you decent?
Angel. Oh, thank God.
Hold on one second.
Okay.
Wow, sorry.
Takes getting used to.
Tell me about it. Wes and Fred said
my condition is improving, though.
- So you're going to change back?
- Yeah. Two, three days, tops.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Anyway...
What are you doing for breakfast?
What do puppets eat?
Let's find out.
I just got off the phone.
Looks like the kids are coming out
of their stasis.
Oh. Good.
I think we did some excellent work
back there.
I think you're right.
And now...
And now...
We better get some rest.
No telling when the next crisis
will strike.
You're just gonna go, aren't you?
- Fred.
- Haven't you been...
...sensing anything lately?
About me? Coming from me?
Didn't occur to you
that something might have changed?
That I am looking at you
in a different...
Oh, screw it.
- Um...
- That was a signal.
Okay?
Is that clear enough for you?
Not even close.
Subtitles by
SDI Media Group
[ENGLISH SDH]