Angel (1999–2004): Season 3, Episode 12 - Provider - full transcript

With his new son to consider, Angel begins worrying about paying the bills. His pursuit of money worries Cordelia, who is concerned that Angel will forget his mission to help the helpless. As Team Angel is spread thin, covering as many paying cases as possible, several members are put in harms way.

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ANGEL: Previously:
WESLEY: His son's part of the prophecy.

LINWOOD: The Nyazian scroll said
it wouldn't be born.

Darla died during childbirth.

HOLTZ:
She sacrificed herself for the child.

I'm his family. My job is
to be everything for him.

- We have to get that baby.
- Bogey at the back door!

WESLEY:
Everyone will come for him.

- No one will touch this child.
- The visions are killing me.

Humans can't handle the visions.
Only demons can.

So demonize me already.

We have to solve my vision.
The one I'm having now.



- Cordy...
- What?

ARCHIVIST: Holtz, Daniel.
Vampire killer. Circa 1754.

I know what it's like to grieve.
I want to help you.

Stay the hell away from me.

[GROWLS]

HOLTZ: I'll teach you to fight.
- What's in it for you?

HOLTZ: Help me kill a vampire.
JUSTINE: You don't need me.

HOLTZ:
I do. This vampire is strong.

ANGEL:
Sixty. Seventy. Eighty.

One. Two. Three.

CORDELIA:
Angel.

How's the Connor fund?

ANGEL: There was $ 1.83 in change
in the cushions.

That's perfectly good money
just laying around.



- How's it going?
FRED: Moments away.

Make that bigger.

Bold but, you know, tasteful.

Tasteful. Sure.

You are so cute. Yes, you are.

You're just the best little boy
in the whole world.

- How's my little man?
CORDELIA: Where has his father been?

Papa's got mouths to feed.

I have a mouth too.
Always have had one.

Kind of known for it,
and we've fed it fine for years. Yes.

Angel, I'm glad you wanna
take care of your son. I am.

Just don't lose sight of the mission.

We have to earn money.
Not just for Connor.

First and foremost,
we work for The Powers.

Help the helpless.
Promise me we won't neglect that.

[DOOR OPENS]

I promise. I promise. Well?

We hired some guys.
6000 of these all over town.

Nice! I'd call me. Wouldn't you?

Hey, the website's up. We're live.

ANGEL:
We're live, little guy. Come on.

Beautiful. We're online.
We got flyers, yellow pages.

Welcome to a new era
of Angel Investigations.

All we do now is wait for that phone
to ring and the money to roll in.

Because someone's gotta clothe and
educate and feed this little guy, huh?

[GURGLES]

Yep. All we have to do is wait.

It's just a matter of time.

Don't worry. This town's full
of people with problems.

Come on, come on!

Come on!

[PHONE RINGS]

Fabrizio's Pizza.

Is this the right phone number?

Provider

[HUMS]

That's the last of them.
Six thousand new ones.

WESLEY: Adorable.
GUNN: So sweet.

- I meant the baby.
- I meant the hot mama.

- Sorry about the mix-up.
- We can't afford more mistakes.

Making mistakes costs money and
money's our number one priority. Lorne.

If this is about the baby
formula I snagged, sorry.

It was that or a glass of pig's blood.

By the way, baby formula
and Kahlua, not bad.

Find out what Holtz is up to.
He's out there. We can't forget it.

- He's our number one priority.
- I thought...

Finding Holtz and making money
are our two priorities.

Helping the helpless, Holtz...

...and making money are
our three number one priorities.

Hey, look, we've got
some hits on our website!

[PHONE RINGS]

WESLEY: Angel Investigations.
May I help you?

[PHONE RINGS]

Angel Investigations.

WESLEY: Absolutely.
- We're in business.

You should be thanking me.

For disobeying an order?

For dusting two vamps.

Two vampires from whom
I had told you to walk away.

- Guess I misunderstood.
- Which is why we're here.

Would a couple light bulbs
and some plumbing kill you?

We are here to determine
whether or not...

...you have the commitment
necessary for the work at hand.

At hand? That's a joke, right?

Why are you wasting my time?

What do you want from me?

I just told you. Commitment.

Something you must now
convince me you have.

So I've explained why
I'm doing this. Why are you?

Let's just say feeling something
is better than feeling nothing.

Take it out anytime you like.
If you're here when I return...

...we'll consider the next phase
of our partnership.

Welcome to Angel Investigations, Mr...

...Bleeshusengrung.

Have a seat and an associate
will be right with you.

ANGEL: Lorne, non-human on deck.
HOST: Coming.

[HOST CLICKS TONGUE]

The guys with the face plates,
they're Nahdrahs.

I speak their lingo, sort of.

They have a job for our leader
and a lot of money.

- Let's not keep them waiting.
- Our leader being Wesley.

They saw his web articles on DNA
fusion comparisons in Tri-ped demons.

Wesley, Wesley.
Talk to the Nahdrahs.

- Office free? It's kind of personal.
- Yeah, go.

This keeps up, we may
have to incorporate, huh?

- We're getting stretched thin here.
- We can handle it.

Really? Why don't you handle it by
picking up lines two, three and four?

[PHONE RINGS]

Angel Investigations.
Your problems are ours.

Okay, how urgent is it?

What do you do for a living?

Good company. You own it?
Okay, hold on. Pen, paper, quick.

I don't sleep. I'm afraid to go out
or answer the phone.

I hate stalkers.
We'll put a stop to it. Have a seat.

ALLISON:
Thank you.

GUNN: So do you know who this guy is?
- Yeah. It's Brian, my ex-boyfriend.

- Have you been to the police?
- Yeah.

They act like I'm some kind of nut.
Like I'm just making it up.

The cops don't do a thing
till somebody's dead.

- Somebody is dead.
- Who?

Brian. Isn't that the kind
of stuff you guys deal with?

All the time. So your dead boyfriend
is stalking you?

Well, I mean,
he's not my boyfriend now.

WESLEY: The article I'm currently
writing posits a formula...

...for the genome mapping
of creatures without genes.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

It's an exciting arena.

One we can download at I'll-never-
know-the-love-of-a-woman dot-com.

Let's get to business.
They wanna buy your head.

A little rusty with the lingo.
I should clarify that.

[CLICKING TONGUES]

They want your mind.
They're celebrating the prince's...

It's like a birthday,
only they're disgorged, not born.

They need you to solve a puzzle
so they can give it to him.

- Could be interesting.
- They're puzzle people.

Did you see their tunics?
Geometric shapes.

Each a prime number,
if you count the edges...

...arranged in order
of exponential accumulation.

Yes, I did... not notice that at all.

They wanna know why your girlfriend
was pointing. I better tell them.

She's not my... Silly.

- Did I say something wrong?
- No, no, no, they liked you.

So much they ran away?

They either have to consult
with the prince or eat a monkey.

Wes, I think I need you.

Great. I'm on my way.

- Big case. Gotta run. Here.
- Oh.

ANGEL: He needs changing.
Oh, and a bottle, 3:00.

Hi, there.

Right. Yeah, okay.
That's good for us.

Tell him a six-month million-dollar
guarantee, and we'll cover the cost.

Yeah. No, I get that. But we
need a decision by tomorrow.

Somebody walked into my office.
I'll call you.

- Mr. Angel.
- Just Angel.

Harlan Elster.
Thanks for meeting me.

No problem. I know what it's like when
your name's on the letterhead and...

- You're not exactly what I pictured.
- No?

You're pretty well-coifed. You're not
afraid to get a little mussed, are you?

That's what you'll be
just by going in there.

- In where?
- 83rd and Vermont.

Used to be low-income housing.
Now it's a nest.

Boarded-up windows, no electricity,
sewer access. They like it dark.

- Vampires.
- Whole gang.

Those photos were taken
by the last guy.

What happened to him?

He got mussed.

You have much experience
with vampires?

- Some.
- Well, not like these.

They're not out for blood.
They want money.

- Money?
- Yeah, I know.

Whoever heard of a vampire
out to make a buck, right?

They're putting the squeeze
on businessmen.

We pay them a protection fee,
and they don't eat our employees.

- They're demanding $5000 by midnight.
- Wow.

I'm prepared to pay you 10
to make this problem go away.

Five thousand now.
Remainder when the job's finished.

That would make 10.

Which is more than
they're asking you for.

- But this isn't about money.
- No, of course it's not...

...about that, money.

I'll get right on this.

- Thanks.
- Sure.

- What are you doing in my office?
- Mr. Elster.

[JUSTINE GASPS]

Decided to stick around.

You asked me what I wanted from you.

Go out and find others like you.
People who have suffered as we have.

People with the same rage,
the same fire.

You'll know them when you see them.
Their eyes will look like this feels.

[SCREAMS]

HOLTZ: Are we clear? Have we learned
our lessons, Justine?

We're clear.

You son of a bitch.

Is this country great, or what?
5000 smackaroos.

All I have to do to get 5000 more
is clean out a vamp nest.

- Where's Wes and Gunn?
- On a case.

A young woman's dead boyfriend
is stalking her.

- That's terrible. Did you...?
- I ran her credit.

Nice. How's my little magna cum laude,
Notre Dame, class of 2020?

I don't think it's a great idea to be
working on so many cases at once.

What if we're out making money and
some poor devil comes in for our help?

- Buon giorno, everybody!
ANGEL: Have you been drinking?

I can hold my liquor. Unfortunately
I can't say the same for fire water.

- Aren't they the same?
- Hey, Fred.

This is special fire water, used
to loosen up my Gar-wawk snitch.

They light the water on fire and
a bong and look out, Houston!

ANGEL: You learn anything about Holtz?
- Yeah. He's not fond of you.

I'm led to believe that he
and his Grapplers had plans to... you.

- Is my breath stinky?
- Yeah.

Holtz is using the Grapplers
as soldiers.

No, he poisoned them, and he's
looking for human replacements.

- We know where he is?
- I got rats looking all over town.

Not real rats, except two of them.
I don't feel good.

We've got company.

[NAHDRAHS CLICKING TONGUES]

Lorne? It's all
snap-crackle-pop to me.

These are the guys that wanted Wesley.

- Not anymore. Now they want Fred.
ANGEL: For what?

They think she can solve the puzzle
they wanna give to their prince.

- They weren't offended, but impressed.
- Really?

Where would she have to go
and how long would it take?

They live on a barge
docked in the marina.

And a day or two. Depends on
how long it takes her to solve it.

- You game?
- Sure.

You have to go.
Tell them it won't be cheap.

They're getting two employees.
That's salary, per diem, overtime.

Okay, okay.

They apologize for the paltry offering
and hope you'll accept... $50,000?!

- Fifty...
...thousand...

...dollars?

We accept.

I consider myself independent,
and it's hard to ask for help...

...but it feels good
for you to be here.

That woman's right.
You inspire confidence.

- Which woman?
- Brunette. Really cute. Texan, maybe.

- Fred.
- Fred.

Said I inspire confidence.

- The comment was directed at me.
- Really? Because I don't think so.

Here, this is Brian.
Not exactly a rocket scientist.

But he's so sweet.

Ever meet somebody and know
you belong together? It feels...

- Comfortable.
- Comfortable.

- You read the same science journals.
- Laugh at the same jokes.

And the sex.
Oh, God, do I miss the sex.

- Tell me about it.
WESLEY: Hm.

So explain this. How can Brian
be stalking me if he's dead?

Witchcraft, black magic, voodoo...

...zombification,
demon possession, vampirism.

Why's he here?
What does he want?

Perhaps he left something unfinished.
Something he wants to say.

He may just want
to eat your intestines.

We don't know that he's a zombie.
And the flesh-eating's a myth.

Zombies mangle, mutilate
and occasionally wear human flesh.

So there's no reason
to be frightened.

Right, then. Zombie it is.

[HOST GROANS]

FRED:
Are you okay?

HOST: I was seasick when
we were still on dry land.

- Do I look greener than usual?
FRED: A little.

Nice decor. It's sort of a Jules Verne
meets Leona Helmsley.

Come on.

Oh, great.
They want to take our picture.

HOST:
Oh, terrific.

This is the puzzle.

I'm guessing it fits together in a sort
of algorismic sequence.

HOST: Mm.
- Any hints?

Just one. He said if they knew
how to do it, you wouldn't be here.

So... Causation corollary.

Causatum corollary.

Are we talking a closed curve
in a simply connected domain of zero?

That would be too easy, wouldn't it?

HOST:
Oh, hors d'oeuvres. I couldn't.

I had eyeballs and insects
for breakfast.

ANGEL: Aren't we just the scary
serial vamps...

...with the spooky lair?

And the taking of the trophies
of our victims?

Lame.

[FOOTSTEPS]

Next time you hit the yard sales,
avoid the wooden furniture.

I hear wicker's nice.

ANGEL:
Oh, great. Two more.

Dibs on the coat.

ANGEL: Excuse me.
ELSTER: What do you want?

- I'm looking for Harlan Elster.
- I'm Harlan Elster.

- That's bad.
- How's it bad?

Well, because the Harlan Elster
I'm looking for gave me this.

Really? Well, he gave me this.
At least mine's real.

The man who forged my name,
your height? Less beat up?

Yeah, that's him.

Sam Ryan. Used to work for me.
Fired him six months ago.

He came to me to bankroll
his kooky scheme.

- Kooky scheme?
- He's been off since his friend died.

Wanted me to pay some ghostbuster
to clean out an abandoned rat-hole.

He was convinced vampires
were nesting there.

Some people would take advantage
of a guy like that.

Yeah. Yeah.

Immortals living in a rat-infested
building, guarding their treasure.

Right.

Treasure?

There's an ascending and descending
causation instantly proved by...

...that.

I think I'm onto something here.

Yeah, me too. Unfortunately
it requires a vomitorium.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

I'll just go use the facilities.
Keep up the good work.

Thanks.

[SQUEALING]

[CLICKING]

[GROANS]

[CORDELIA GRUNTS]

Hm. Well, I figured it was a long shot.
But I really can float, you know.

Well, I did at one time
during my last vision.

Somebody needs a change.

Before that, believe me...

...there was no "floaty at peace
with my destiny" to the visions.

There was just killer pain.

Unfortunately,
that's not an exaggeration.

They really were killing me.

So The Powers That Be
put a little demon in me.

And as far as side effects go...

...the visions are a breeze now.

I don't know
what else might be in store.

I'm keeping an eye out
for horns and a tail.

It just occurred to me what
a weird life you're in for, little guy.

Your Aunt Cordy gets visions
and your daddy's a...

Well, you won't see him
aging a whole lot...

...or catching surf and sun in Malibu.

But he is a good man, a champion,
and he loves you very much.

Plus he's quite the natty dresser.

And your daddy's out right now
fighting evil for money.

- Give it back.
- I've earned it. Is it a Rolex?

- Timex.
- Ah.

Considering the trouble you went
through, we know it's not just a watch.

- That's true. It's not.
- Probably worth more than 10 grand.

A lot more.

What's it do? Open a portal?
Raise an army?

It glows in the dark.
Probably about all it will do now.

They cracked it
when they took it off him.

I told him to let them have it,
but he wouldn't give it up.

- It was the first thing I bought him.
- These vampires killed your friend.

I'm sorry about what I did.
I didn't know what to do.

- So you lied to me.
- I'm sorry.

I didn't kill three vampires for
nothing. Ten grand, that was the deal.

- Seven.
- Fine, I'll take seven.

You said three vampires.
There were seven.

[RATTLING]

- Which would make four more?
- Four more.

You're gonna discover there's
a lot of cool things in this world.

Fifty grand,
way up there on the list.

We're just gonna lock this up
in the safe and...

Right after this vision.

Oh, God.
Fred, don't solve that puzzle.

Shouldn't be long now.

Do you know how much longer we'll be?
I've got plans this evening.

WESLEY: We've taken every precaution,
secured every entrance...

[GLASS SHATTERING]

With the exception of the skylight.

Allie! Allie, baby, I just...

WESLEY:
Into the bedroom!

Well, your Uncle Wes and Uncle Gunn,
not picking up either.

And your daddy, he doesn't know how
to work voice mail or keep a promise.

So we'll go down to the marina,
return the money...

...and explain it was all
a big mistake.

[THUMPING]

BRIAN:
Allie, why won't you talk to me?

Because you're dead! Now, go away!

I'm paying good money here.
Can you please get rid of him?

Just give me another chance, baby.

- Who are they?
- We're protecting her from you.

Protection?
I thought you were dating them.

This is exactly
why I broke up with you.

You're suffocating me. Now, get lost!

WESLEY: What's he doing?
- Pouting.

Okay, that's it.

You know, this is so typical of you.
You're all bluster, then you pout.

BRIAN: I thought we had fun together.
- We did. But you're needy.

Needy? Because I cared?

Caring didn't entitle you to read
my diary, follow me...

I never... Okay, I read your diary.

Does that give you any reason
to poison me?

What?

- You'll believe a zombie?
- She killed you?

- I'd forgive her if she took me back.
- You're kidding.

BRIAN:
No.

I've seen the guys you're going out
with, and you're not having any fun.

Come on. Let's give it another shot.

What do you say, baby? Me and you.

- I can't. It's creepy.
- Come on. I miss you.

Well, I don't know.
Maybe I was a little...

...hasty.

Will that be cash or charge?

All right, you're kidding me, right?

Sorry. I don't get paid,
I can't fight.

- I can't hold this by myself.
- Yeah, I see that.

- They're coming through.
- Okay.

I'll help barricade it. But that's it.

I'm sorry I lied to you.

You did the wrong thing.
Your heart was in the right place.

- Your motives were noble.
- Thank you.

- I've been accused of nobility.
- Well, then you understand.

Being a champion's not all
good deeds and happy endings.

A lot goes on behind the scenes.
People don't consider that.

- We got real trouble here.
- We can work something out.

- Own a car?
- The bank owns it.

- House?
- I rent.

How's your credit?

I spent everything I had
tracking these guys.

I don't know what to say. I can't kill
on deferment. Sets a precedent.

Oh, it was nothing.

Are we going somewhere to celebrate?

Say, has anyone seen
my friend with the horns?

He wasn't feeling so good,
and I'm a little worried about him.

And me, now.

Yeah, I know.
We're in a bit of a situation here.

Oh, God. I don't have
to marry him, do I?

In fact, no. And that's something
we can be grateful for.

What are they gonna do?

The prince's head, or heads,
wear out every so often and they...

Cut off someone else's
and give him a new one?

Uh...

Lorne, help! Help!

[WHISTLING]

Hey! I'd just like a word here.

You guys are so gonna
get your butts kicked.

- Lorne.
- Sorry.

I yield
to the person not tied up.

- Translate.
HOST: Okay.

There's been
a terrible misunderstanding.

And I know you're men of honor,
and I know we can make an exchange...

...in a civilized manner.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

We return your gift,
and you return Fred.

Sorry, but we need her head at work.

- Firmly attached to her body.
- That goes without saying.

- Say it.
- Oh.

I told them what they had to do
and what would happen if they didn't.

We are in no position to threaten.

Sure we are. Angel, Wes
and Gunn can take them.

- Where are they, anyway?
- Out making money.

So when I said they were surrounded
by warriors, I was stretching the truth?

Just enough to get us all killed.

[VAMPIRES GROANING]

What about the complimentary
barricading?

ANGEL: It's gonna give.
I'm getting you out of here.

- Let's go.
- No, you go.

- What?
- I'm not leaving. I can't.

- You can take four vampires alone?
- Probably not.

But they killed Jack.
If I run now, I'll run forever.

Do you think this is
what Jack would want?

I think Jack would want to be here,
but that's never gonna happen.

You take on a job in good faith,
you expect to be compensated.

You provide the best service
you can offer. Quality service.

But there's overhead, there's rent,
three phone lines, advertising.

It adds up. Here.

Thank you. I can't even
begin to express my...

[BEEPING]

SAM:
I owe you.

- You're a real champion.
ANGEL: Whatever. Hello?

Hello? Hello?

SAM: I think that's your voice mail.
ANGEL: Damn it.

- Lorne, do these guys have groins?
- Is that important right now?

- Work with me here.
- I think so.

I never knew one intimately.

Ah!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh.

[SCREAMS]

Help! Help her!

- Fred!
- Fred!

Well, I guess you cut
off the snake's head...

You piss the other snakes off.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

ANGEL: I should have listened to you.
- Yeah.

- I shouldn't have left you two alone.
- Well, yeah.

If you can keep your head when those
about you lose theirs, you're lucky.

I could kiss you both.

[HOST CLEARS THROAT]

HOST: Still tied up down here.
FRED: Oh.

HOST: My hands are turning pink.
- Can I say something?

Money's important,
but it isn't everything.

I got carried away.

I just never had a life that was
totally dependent on me before.

But that's no excuse...

- Where was I?
- Money's not the most important...

No, it's not.
What's important is family...

...and the mission.

They tried to cut Fred's head off.
We earned every penny.

- Hold the baby.
- Uh-huh.

GUNN:
Spending money. All right!

[CORDELIA SINGS LULLABY]

I'm just saying, a boat.

No. College fund.

Yes, college fund. And pay our bills.

And put a down payment on a boat.

I'm not getting a boat.

They're fun.

They're expensive.

And when would I go on this boat?

Moonlight sails.

Okay.

College fund, pay our bills
and rent a ski condo in Aspen.

Ski condo?

There's gotta be some fun
in our lives.

I like a ski condo.

Sure.

Snow... Trees...

Chipmunk robots on ice...

Chipmunk robots on ice.

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