Angel (1999–2004): Season 2, Episode 22 - There's No Place Like Plrtz Glrb - full transcript

Previously on Angel:

- Show the cleavage.
- Got it.

I've been put in charge.

What do we do, Wesley?

Last night I lost one of my crew.

- Should've been there.
- How soon can we go?

Cordy's been sucked into Pylea.

We're going in after her.

The metaphysical laws
don't seem to apply here.

- Cordelia?
- They made me ruler.

- Your Majesty.
- The Groosalugg.



- Krevlornswath?
- My mother.

Strike quickly and true.
Then we can eat.

Handsome man saved me
from the monsters.

Put their heads on sticks and display
them outside the princess' window.

You will do what we say.

Oh, no.

Oh, God, please forgive me.
This is all my fault.

Because I pardoned you,
and they wanted to teach me a lesson.

You didn't do anything wrong.

You didn't do anything.

I don't like it here anymore.
I just want to go home.

Oh, honey, I'm right there with you.

I know this is a bit of a shock,
but I can explain. Take it easy.

Get it out of your system.
That's good.



You'll have to breathe sometime.
Shut up!

I don't have hands to cover my ears.

- You're....
- So just please listen.

My people, the fun-loving
Deathwok Clan...

...cut off our heads, we go on
until you mutilate our bodies.

They haven't gotten that far.
Backlog in the mutilation chamber.

So if we move quickly and quietly....

Princess, are you troubled?
We heard shrieking.

Oh, the shrieking.

It's the meditation
I do to help me focus...

...on the great affairs of state
that I must manage.

Remove the head from
our lady's presence.

No, no, no, no!.

I like the filthy head.

That is....
I want to defile it more.

I'll keep it to spit upon,
and when I grow tired of that...

...I will make it a planter.

A traitor planter, for all to see.

Or maybe a candy dish.

- You may leave.
- As you wish, noble mistress.

I'm sorry about the spittle.
I just had to think fast.

This is unsettling for me.

I'm sure it must be.
And after all, I only lost my head!

Technically, my body.

I know this is a trying experience...

...but I don't see how yelling at me
can help matters.

Take me to the mutilation chamber.

I have no idea where
the mutilation chamber might be.

I'll sit here and die, then.
Find someone who knows!

In what temper did you find her?

- She appeared distressed, master.
- Good.

We'll add more heads,
so she'll remember...

...who's the master
and who's the servant.

Her two friends who escaped,
send a hunting party after them.

- Yes, lord.
- The one they call Angel, what is he?

He took apart two of my soldiers.

He is a Van-tal. A drinker of blood.

He can only be killed by fire,
decapitation or wood through the heart.

Perhaps all three, just to be sure.
Hunt him down.

It shall be done.
I will bury my spear in his rump.

Captain, his heart is
where a cow's is. Here.

Disgusting.

This Angel beast has saved a slave
her rightful beheading.

He ignores our laws
and profanes our culture.

He does worse. He brings hope to
the cows, for if one can be free...

...hope arises that all can be free.

Isn't that right, Markallo?

My lord, as it was ordained,
our lives belong to you.

They do. Yet we live in a time
where runaways become rebels.

Where portals open to worlds where
the clergy have not decreed them.

Even slaves supposedly loyal to me...

...give the enemy drawings
to our sacred devices.

- It is not true, master.
- Don't be alarmed, Markallo.

You did me a favor. The cows need
to know what we can do to them...

...any time we choose.

Please clean that up.

"And if one of thy slaves offend thee,
thou shalt smite him down.

And if all of thy slaves offend thee,
thou shalt smite them down...

...even unto the very last one."

For the crime of collaboration
you are sentenced to death.

We're not collaborators.
We're not even from around here.

On my count of three.

- I should've been quiet.
- I got a plan.

- Thank God. What is it?
- One.

We die painfully, you go to hell
and I spend eternity with Jesus.

Two.

Three.

Imperial Guards!

This is our chance to escape!

There they are!
Kill the otherworlders!

I've had about enough of this world.

I found kalla berries.
They sweeten the oatmeal.

Well, I call it oatmeal. It's actually
Crug grains and thistles...

...but with enough Kalla berries....

I hope the skins are comfortable.

I seem to remember beds.
You could sleep for hours at a time.

I slept. It was fine.

What?

Did I snore?

I don't remember any snoring.

Good.

I remember caterwauling.

Sorry.

I don't mind. Sometimes it
just burbles up inside you...

...and you have to bellow a little.

Do it all the time.
No one's around to hear.

You'll get better
with a little rest and care.

- I don't think so.
- Why wouldn't you?

You saw what I turned into.

Back in L.A. it's bad,
but here it's....

We all got our demons.

Okay, so maybe you got a beast in you.

I know what it's like to be squirrelly
and a freak, with no one to--

Does it taste like oatmeal? I forget
how things are supposed to taste.

- Tastes good.
- Tacos!

Sorry. I didn't mean to holler at you.
I love tacos.

- Do they still have them back....
- Home? They didn't outlaw tacos.

No, of course not.

I'm trying to make
an enchilada out of treebark.

Bark enchiladas.

How's that going?

There's work to be done.

Come in!

What may thy lowly servant
do for thee?

You're not lowly. Get up.
You're just like me.

Like you?
The Light That Shines Upon the Land?

Sure.

Is that what they really call me?

Anyway, you have served me
long and loyally...

...these last two-and-a-half days.

- I'm very fond of you, Lamara.
- Marelda.

- I knew that.
- Of course. You know all.

You must cut my tongue.

No cutting. What is it
with you people and mutilation?

- We don't have a lot of entertainment.
- Can you keep a secret, Geraldo?

Take me to the mutilation chamber.

- This cannot be done.
- Why not?

You would bring shame to the kingdom.

You cannot defile your holy self
by entering such a place.

Okay. Take off your clothes.

Can't do this in L.A.

- Why not?
- I'll burst into flames.

Part of the beast thing.

So it's better for you here.

Well, there's the sun.

Also the thing inside that
wants to rip my friends apart.

Krv Drpglr.

I know these words.
They open up the portals.

They're consonant representations...

...of a mathematical
transfiguration formula.

Obviously.

I thought if you said them out loud
in order the quaking would....

You mean opening a portal.

It's how we got here
and how we'll get back.

No. I tried for years and years...

...until my tongue was swollen.

- It doesn't work on this side.
- It does.

A Drokken and a green warrior got
to L.A. from this end.

Someone opened up the portals. Maybe
you did, you just don't know where.

Me? I don't think so.
The priests have all the power here.

I can't change. I won't change.

Missed the heart, did I?

Don't die! Please don't die!
Please don't die!

- They came for you. Why?
- They know we'll rescue the princess.

- From what?
- Mating with the Groosalugg.

It will fulfill their prophecies
and consolidate their power.

We don't want that to happen
any more than you do.

You're right, we're on the same side.
Release them.

Though their hands were tied and their
necks were bared, they fought with us.

I'm ashamed.
We nearly cut your heads off.

You were just doing your job.

You are free to go.

Five cheers for the otherworlders!

Brave warriors! Brave warriors!
Brave warriors!

- In this world you get five.
- First we find Angel.

Last time he had a "Rip out your guts
now, ask questions later" look.

What do you suggest?

These guys got a cause worth
fighting for. Isn't that what we do?

And Cordelia?

To get her out of that castle,
we'll need a lot of muscle.

Muscle could be handy
if we have to incapacitate Angel.

Also, look at them.
They're no match for the Covenant.

I don't want to leave them
to be killed.

I do that enough.

There you are. Good.

Hi.

- You heal fast.
- One of the pluses of being a beast.

But you're not. When you were fighting
this time, you didn't change.

- I was afraid.
- Of what?

That if I did, I'd never get back.

You're not a beast.

We'll write that on your bones
once he tears you to pieces.

I'll roll him into the Drokken gully
like the others.

Wait. I need to talk him.

Tell me about the princess.

The cow-bitch who brought you
into our world?

Call her that again,
I'll remove your face. Slowly.

Once the Groosalugg mates with her,
she'll be put to death.

Like we already did
with that traitor, Krevlornswath.

You killed Lorne?

We cut his head off
and mutilated his body.

I have to go.

- They'll kill you.
- One of my friends is already dead.

But it's safe here.
Out there, it's....

It's safe here with me.

I'm sorry.

They'll kill you, and you'll turn into
that beast. Maybe not in that order.

- They're in trouble.
- But the beast.

You don't want them
to see you that way.

I'm not afraid of it
like everyone else.

It's all right.
It's gonna be all right.

It's pretty dark in here.

Let me just get used to it.

- Oh, yuck!
- Ow! Hey!

I'm sorry. Sorry.

These people are crazy!
Anything look familiar?

Get me closer.

- Oh, God. Oh, no!
- What?

- That looks like your suit.
- It is my suit.

You think they have French viscose
in this hellhole?

Why am I still alive?
Once they chop me up, it's over.

I'm looking at pieces of myself.
Oh, it's over!

Wait. Since when do I have five toes?

Somebody's coming.

- Do you mind if I hit him with you?
- Yes!

- Your Highness?
- Groo, it's you.

I've done something terrible.
I betrayed my vows.

He was your friend.
I can't see you suffer.

What?

I stole his body
and put his garment on these parts.

- To fool them.
- You did all this for me?

That's not terrible,
that's wonderful!

Feels like somebody works out.

Hi. And thank you from the bottom
of my neck on down.

- Where's my body?
- I smuggled it to your mother's farm.

Your cousin Landok will meet us at
the watchtower and take you home.

This is great!
The man's an honest-to-God hero.

Watch the head!

- Still want to storm the castle gates?
- Yes.

We can't defeat them.
They have power and wealth.

- Storm the gates.
- If you do, they'll cut you down.

You can't wage a frontal attack
against a stronger opponent.

This battle can only be won
through guerilla warfare.

You create a diversion, then you
strike at several points at once.

- Then you come from behind.
- And kill their leader.

Silas, the head priest.
It's a good plan.

I agree.

- You shall lead us.
- Me? No. I was just suggesting--

You fought well.
The Covenant hates you.

And you have a plan.
Besides, our leader's dead.

- Hail to our new leader!
- Hail!

Why do people keep
putting me in charge?

- I have no idea.
- Hail!

How's it feel?

All right.

It's best if you don't
move it for a while.

Well, I better....

Help your friends. I know.

You're a good man.

- I don't know how to get there.
- Oh.

I can show you.

I disobeyed the Covenant.

I shall spend eternity burning
in Tarkna for my sin.

Who believes in literal
Tarkna nowadays?

It was worth it for one moment
of your intimate touch.

That was an accident.
It was kind of dark and....

Oh, you mean the hug.

When I hugged you.

That was nice.

Where were we?

Oh, yeah. The nutcake clergy guys
need someone to disobey them.

They're evil
and they run an evil regime.

It's not my duty
to question authority.

You're Groosalugg, the brave,
undefeated champion.

If it's not your duty,
then I don't know what is.

I fight who I am told.

I am not a real champion.

Then it's time you stopped working
for monk-boy and became one.

What you did for me and my friend,
that was pure champ, all the way.

I'm unworthy of lifting your burden.

Nonsense. You're way worthy.

- What burden is that again?
- When you receive me.

- On the night we are wed.
- Receive? Oh.

Receive. When I and you,
on the wedding night....

I think there'll be
burden-lifting on both sides.

Not that I have a lot of experience.

It's in the prophecies.
One who's cursed with visions...

...will mate with the Groosalugg,
whose demon blood shall absorb them.

Absorb them?

Your visions shall pass to me.

I knew there was a catch!

You can't take my visions.

I need them. I use them to help
my friends fight evil back home.

And I'll use them here to fight evil,
just as you have done.

Groo, I can't give up my visions.

I like them.

Okay, I don't like the pain and agony
that's steadily getting worse--

You are pure human.

You are not meant to carry
such a burden.

Maybe not.

But I'm not ready
to give them up, either.

They're a part of who I am now.
They're an honor.

And you know, the visions,
they only last for like a--

No, no.

Groosalugg is the most formidable.
We have to get him out of the castle.

If challenged, he must accept?

As champion of the realm, he cannot
refuse. But no man can defeat him.

We'll worry about that later.
First we get him out.

Then we create diversions here,
here and here.

We'll scale the wall here,
where their defenses are weak.

I wouldn't split my crew up that much.

I'm leading this charge.
Tell me about the killing device.

It sends a signal
to the collar on every slave.

- What kind of a signal?
- Blows their heads off.

Silas will use it.
We have to get to him before he does.

- The castle is well-guarded.
- Unlike this place.

It's all right. It's all right.

He's a friend.

Glad we were keeping watch.

He's Angel. He does that.
How's she do that?

She's Fred. She does that too.

Winifred?
The girl from Cordy's vision?

Check the perimeter.

These are my friends. Wesley, Gunn.

Hi.

These-- Those were the rebels.
We've joined forces.

They made Wes their general.

But you're here now.
If you want to, I mean....

- You're much better at--
- No, Wes, I can't.

You know what happens to me.

I'm sorry.

I'm ashamed for what I did to you.

It's a crazy place here.
The sooner we all get out, the better.

Fred can help us.
She knows a lot about the portals.

Not a lot.

The trionic speechcraft formulation
has to alter the reality sphere.

Lutzbalm predicted it at Zurich in '89.
Laughed him off the stage.

Although the slavery and degradation's
no laughing matter.

It's no Crug-grain-and-Kalla-berry
breakfast all right.

She's been here a while.

Guys, I have some bad news
about the Host.

We've captured this warrior
of the Deathwok Clan!

- Landok.
- Angel the Drokken killer.

I won't battle you for saving
this slave girl's neck.

Good.

It is forbidden to fight
while performing a sacred duty.

I was transporting my kinsman home
when these fools stopped me.

- They cut off the Host's head.
- What?

- No.
- Yes, I have it right here.

- He was....
- Yeah.

That's it? Where's the praising
and extolling of my virtues?

Where's the love?

I'll only say this once.

The guys you send to create
those diversions will die.

Yes, they are.

You try not to get anybody killed,
you wind up getting everybody killed.

Get ready to move out.

What should I do?

Go to the village, call out
the Groosalugg and kill him.

Kill their undefeated champion?

- I can't, I'll turn into the beast.
- I know.

When I fired you guys,
the reason I....

The darkness was coming out of me.
I didn't want you near it.

The thing that comes out here
is 10 times worse.

I do this, you know
I won't come back from it.

Yes, you will. I know you.

We know you.

We know you're a man with a demon
inside, not the other way around.

You have the strength to do what's
needed, and you'll come back to us.

I could go with you. I know
how to prepare the Challenge Torch.

You'll come back.

You really think he'll come back?

I need him to think it.

What can I get you?

Nothing.

Just don't leave.

Whatever you do, don't fight a big,
ugly, pointy demon with green skin.

I saw what he'll do to you.

Good. I see we're progressing
towards mating. Let's get on with it.

- What about the wedding?
- I tire of waiting. Do it.

With you guys just standing around?
I don't think so.

Then I'll encourage you.

My lord, there's something in
the village you'll want to see.

I challenge the Groosalugg
to mortal combat.

Come out and face me,
you spineless coward!

Why'd you add "coward"?
That's really gonna piss him off.

What is it? Who's yelling?

You've been challenged.
You must fight.

What? No! No fighting.
I had a vision. He can't fight.

Our honor is at stake.

- Listen to me!
- Silence!

No, don't do it! Please!
Don't do it, Groo! No!

No! No!

Who calls me out?

- Do you love her?
- More than I thought possible.

If this filth should win...

...he will ravage
and he will defile her.

He will use her
for his pleasure again...

...and again.

And when she has
no more screaming in her...

...he will kill her.

He will not. He will die!

The Groosalugg has been challenged!

He will fight the challenger
in the village square!

Rebels at the south gate!
And at the north wall!

Death to the state!
Death to the state!

Death to the state!

This guy doesn't feel pain?

He feels it, but he's the Groosalugg.
He overcomes all things.

Good luck.

You will die, barbarian.

You can't hold back. You'll die!

Not holding back, holding on.

- Rebels have reached the castle.
- It's Silas. Stop him!

There they are!

There you are.
Please, I had a vision.

The beast is gonna kill him.
You have to stop it.

This is all your fault.

You think you can destroy
our way of life? Think again.

I will kill every cow in the world...

...before I'll allow that to happen.

Every one of you.

You would defile her! You animal!

You're a little late.

Stand down.

- You don't have to do this.
- I don't have to, but I'm going to.

And you and your filthy
cow princess can go to--

Your cow princess is tired
of hearing you yak, padre,

- Nice.
- These guys stay dead without a head?

- Oh, yeah.
- Good.

We gotta get to the village.
The Groosalugg is facing a beast.

Actually, the beast
he's facing is Angel.

We're not gonna do this.
We're gonna find another way.

I'm not an animal.

- Stop! Stop the fight! Stop!
- All right...

...what part of me being noble
didn't get through?

Stop the fight. Don't hurt him. Stop.

- I love him. I love him.
- You love me?

Not you, dumb-ass.
Him. I love him.

Lay down your weapons!

Silas is dead.
All priests have been defeated.

Any guard who harms a human from this
day forth shall have to answer to me!

- But you love me too, right?
- Are you okay? Did he hurt you?

- As a friend and coworker.
- We need medical attention!

Maybe love is too strong a term.

Good as new. Although I seem
to have put on about 158 pounds.

You look great. Love the trousers.

It's been a thrill, Mom.
See you in a millennium.

Isn't there something you want
to say to your mother?

- "May you burn in Tarkna"?
- Come on. She's not that bad.

She didn't put your body on the maggot
pile like you thought she would.

Go.

Bye, Mom.

Thanks for storing my body on the lice
pile instead of the maggot heap.

I thought you were lost to us forever.

But you came back.

You came back.

The runt of my loins came back
after raining misery on our lives...

...and managed to shame us
even further!

All right then, we'll be....

Who will do our labor now that
your cow friend has freed the slaves?

Do you know what they call me
at the Hall of Drink and Chance?

Mother of the Vile Excrement!

- Keep in touch.
- Go on, misfit!

Back to your world
where no one knows his place!

May you rot in Tarkna!

- Every family's got its problems.
- Numfar, do the dance of shame.

Yours more than most.

My friend told me I had to come back.
I didn't believe her.

I realized I did have
to come back, because...

...I always thought I had
to come back deep down.

I had to find out I didn't have
to come back. I don't belong here.

I hate it here.
You know where I belong?

L.A. You know why?

Nobody belongs there. It's
the perfect place for guys like us.

- Kind of beautiful.
- Ain't it?

- I'm moved, if I say so myself.
- Please do.

- I feel a song coming on.
- I thought you might.

Somewhere over the rainbow

Way up high

I have a vision.

Actually, two visions. In one
of them, you get to keep your head.

- At your service, your majesty.
- Take a memo.

As it is now written,
all citizens are created equal.

Slavery and religious persecution
are outlawed.

I think we did it.

I opened portals,
but I couldn't tell where.

You need the priests' formulas
to figure that out.

- So we can go home?
- We take these and she says the words.

Those are sacred books.

Which you should have
as a small memento.

You're in charge now,
and you've got a long road ahead.

Slavery has ended,
but reconstruction has just begun.

- What is this "reconstruction"?
- Gunn, you want to field this?

It means saying people are free
don't make them free.

You got races that hate each other.

Some getting work they don't want,
others losing the little they had.

You're looking at social confusion,
economic depression and maybe riots.

Good luck.

You'll do fine.

It worries me, but not as much as....

Do you have to go, majesty?

I don't want to.

I'm really gonna miss your eyes.
And the majesty thing.

But I have a job to do back home.

It was really fun being your princess.

Godspeed, princess.

Bye, Groo.

Your majesty.

Your majesty.

- Should people bow in a free society?
- These things take time.

I've been thinking about remodeling
the bar. Who wants a nightcap?

Are you sure?

Trust me. Tacos everywhere.
And soap.

That portal-jumping is fun.
We can sell it to a theme park.

- Can I say it? I want to say it.
- Say what?

There's no place like--

Willow?

What's--?

It's Buffy.