An Idiot Abroad (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 3 - Jordan - full transcript

The Seven Wonders of the World.

Christ the Redeemer.

The Taj Mahal.

The Great Pyramids.

Truly man's greatest achievements.

But there's one man who
sees them differently.

It's like a pylon.

Karl Pilkington.

Ha ha!

I don't know the politically correct term.

Moron.



I think he is a round, empty-headed,
chimp-like Manc moron.

Buffoon. Idiot.
And he's a friend!

- (Clunk)
- Aiee!

He's a typical Little Englander and he
doesn't like going out of his comfort zone.

Aargh!

I just think it'd be amazing
to send him round the world.

(Children shouting)

(Stephen) What we'd like to see
is him experience other cultures,

other peoples, and see if in any way
we can change his outlook on the world.

I've been to many exotic places.
I genuinely think travel broadens the mind.

I want him to hate it.

I want him to hate every minute of it,
for my own amusement.

Nothing is funnier than Karl,
in a corner, being poked by a stick.

I am that stick,
and now I have the might of Sky behind me.



Shit! Shit!

This is one of the funniest, most expensive
practical jokes I've ever done.

And it's going to be great.

Just let me go home. Jesus Christ!

Karl, you may have seen this place in the
film Indiana jones And The Last Crusade.

Petra in jordan.

Extraordinary ancient city,
carved into the rock.

Yeah, I suppose it's like
cladding for a cave, in a way.

- In a way. Yeah.
- It's an impressive entrance.

- I mean, I'd love that to be my house.
- Would you?

- It would be amazing.
- What I say about things like this is,

you're better to be in the cave
across from it,

- where you're looking at that.
- Right.

You're getting the nice view.

The people living in this
are looking at my hole.

Do you know what I mean?
I always think that about nice houses.

- Why only a hole?
- You're better off in a council block.

- Cos you're looking at a stately home.
- You're looking at the niceness.

- They're looking at the grimness.
- Yeah, but you're living in the grimness.

We haven't seen the inside, for a start.
You're saying that's amazing.

I'm saying it looks good from the outside.

That sort of thing, on an estate agent,
you'll go, "Let's see that."

But then you go, "Hang on a minute.
Why ain't it been sold yet?"

There's a reason.
The inside's not that good.

Well, let me know.
Let me know if it's worth buying.

And also, what does it face?

Cos if there's a shack across the road,
I'm not buying it.

- I'll buy the shack.
- Right. That's what I'm saying.

When I started this off, there was no
mention of coming to places like Israel.

"Seven Wonders of the World. That'll be all
right. Where are they? Nowhere dangerous.

"Oh, they're in jordan..."
What are we doing here?

Israel's bad news. I don't know why
we couldn't just go straight to Jordan,

see the Wonder, go home.

When we went to India,
there was none of this.

We went straight there.
There was no stopping off.

"Let's just nip to Afghanistan."
There was none of that.

Straight there.
So why are we messing about here?

Maybe it's not that bad,
but all I know is,

whenever I hear about
Israel, it's problems.

That's all I see on the news.

They never have a,
"And finally, a happy story.

"The world's largest marrow
has been grown in Israel."

It doesn't happen, that.
It's never a fun story.

It's the...
"It's kicking off again."

Sort of feel like that relationship
that that bloke had.

You know, the one who climbed a mountain
and ended up cutting the rope of his mate.

Steve's cutting the rope here.
He's leaving me here dangling in shit.

It's doing my head in, this place.

Do you know what I mean?
You've got blokes walking around with guns.

I just feel like I'm constantly on alert.

Cos it's... There's an edginess to it,
isn't there?

(Shouting in Arabic)

Hey, leave him, leave him, leave him!
In his car! Hey!

(Karl) I can't breathe.
Fucking hell, me back.

- (Groans) Fuckin' hell.
- (Bleep)

- (Shouting in Arabic)
- What?

I don't know what you're saying.

Stop hitting me on the head.

(Shouting in Arabic)

Be good. Be good!

- (Karl) I'm being good.
- Be good! Talk to me!

(Karl) Hang on a minute.
I'm... Are you English?

- Yes! Talk to me!
- Who are you? What do you want?

- What are you doing with Israelis?
- I'm just here on a holiday.

- Just on holiday? You are spy!
- I'm not!

- You are fucking spy!
- I'm not a fucking spy!

You are fucking spy! Israeli spy!

Who is your manager?
What is the number of him?

- It's in my mobile.
- What mobile? What is the number of him?

I don't know! I don't even know
my mam and dad's number!

Give me the fucking number!

Who... who are you
working with this... all this shit?

- For Sky. Sky. Sky!
- Sky? What sky? Sky?

- Sky One. HD.
- Sky One?

- Well, that's who we're
giving all this shit to.

- TV? TV?

It's pretty...
pretty frightening.

- You know, most of the people...
- Crap. Sorry.

Yeah, this is, uh...

I mean, the adrenaline. I was shaking
for about 15 minutes after that happened.

But it makes me realise
that I haven't got a clue, really.

You have to know by heart the telephone
number of the back office of you,

that you are going to call them
and tell them the secret word,

that you decided before.

You say the secret word,
that mean he knows,

he knows that you are under danger.

- There's no secret word.
- There should be.

- I haven't got one.
I'm not messing around.

- There should be.

No one has given me a word.

I don't know what number to call.
I'd have to call Suzanne up.

Say, "I'm in a bit of bother."

I wouldn't want to panic her straightaway,
so I'd say, "How is everything?"

- Then, "So, right, listen.
Bit of a problem."

- OK.

"I was taken away." She'd probably
start going, "What do you mean?"

- I'd go, "Sh. Quiet.
I've got low battery."

- OK. "Where are you?
Where are you?"

- "Don't shout. They can hear."
- "Where are you?"

- "Where? What country? Where?"
- "I'm in... You know where I am."

- "Where?"
- "You never listen to me.

- "You go on about haircuts..."
- "Where?"

- "I'm in Israel."
- "In Israel? What? Where are you?"

You're right.
We haven't sorted anything out.

- You're OK.
- I mean, I'm clueless.

But I didn't know I was coming to Israel.

The fact that they teach that stuff here
means that it does go on.

That wasn't all set
up for me, was it?

That's proper training.
That's what they do.

Surely they wouldn't...
Why would they have me? What can I offer?

They'd call the embassy up, say,
"We've got Karl Pilkington here." "Who?

"Oh, we've got no record of him."

Erm...
I don't think it'd even make the news.

I'd probably get in the local paper
in Manchester if it was a light news day.

"Karl Pilkington, Manchester,
is stuck in a hut somewhere in Israel."

Go, go, go, go, go!

Go! Go!

- Check the other side.
- Fine.

- Go to the door.
- Stay there!

Good.

OK! How you feel?

Knackered.

- Huh?
- Yeah.

Did that look good?

This guy is wait for you in the corner.

Yeah. I don't know if I saw the gun or not,
though.

I just...
He looks like he's from Liverpool.

I thought, "He's up to no good."

- Yes.
- He looks like a Scouser.

What is this all about? You know, I thought
I was seeing the Wonders of the World.

I thought I was on my way
to see Petra in jordan.

The plane lands, I'm in Israel.

Not Jordan, you know,
where the Wonder is. Israel.

Yesterday, I spent a day
getting a bag put over my head,

and he turned round and said,
"Oh, you might need that, being in Israel."

Well, don't have me in Israel, then.

Then, it can't be that dodgy, can it?
Look at all the tourists.

It's sort of relaxed me
a little bit, I think.

Cos you don't queue up
to go into a danger zone.

But there is a lot of
people about with guns.

You know, is it all part of it, though?
Do they do that for the tourists?

Does it make the tourists feel like,
"Oh, it's a bit edgy,"

but really it's not going to kick off?

I can't work out.

At the end of the day,
I'm just not that into religion.

Do you know what I mean? It doesn't
excite me. I don't need it in my life.

But because I'm here, Steve's saying,
"Well, you might as well see some of it."

I said, "Like what?"
He said, "The Wailing Wall."

I said, "You what?
" He said, "The Wailing Wall.

It's really popular there."

So I'm going to go and look at a wall.

(Chanting in Hebrew)

This is all new to me.
It's not like I've come

here with any idea of
what this is about.

I've no idea. They all seem to be
doing different things.

Some are kissing the wall.
He's nodding at it.

People sticking bits of paper in.

There's bits of rubbish in there.

There's some sort of...
One of those insurance slip... Sorry.

Like a form about insurance or something,
stuck in that one.

So they even get junk mail.
There's junk mail in the wall.

It's a weird one, the wall.

It reminded me of, like, people who
write to Jim I'll fix it, you know.

You're not gonna get an answer.
Not everyone, anyway.

A waste of time.
I always think about an alien.

If an alien landed,
and for some reason it picked me, it'd go,

"Karl, you're our leader whilst we're here.
Why do people do this in Israel?"

"Dunno."

How'd you explain that?

It's not how I thought
it would be, Jerusalem.

I had this vision in my head
of a place where, you know,

Jesus was knocking about on a donkey.

That's been shattered now.

Everywhere you go, there's some other
religious people coming out of the wood.

It's like... It's like Pacman.
Innit? Do you know what I mean?

You go down a little alley thinking,
"This will be quiet,"

then a load of stuff comes at you.

(# Pop music)

Nothing's ever easy, is it?

You know, Steve said he'd sorted me out
with a lift to get back to the hotel.

Well, that's nice of him.
And then this lot turned up.

My whole life, this is all I want to do.
I want to go around,

this car, or another car, every day,
and make people happy, why not?

Here's what we do in tragic jams.

They were nice enough lads, and that.
But doing that is dangerous.

And there's enough danger here, you know,
with, you know, bombs going off,

or blokes walking about with guns.

I don't need to add more
danger to me little

trip by dancing about
on a busy road.

You know how many smiles
we're gaining right now?

We could be saving lives right now.

Somebody who's maybe depressed
and wanted to commit suicide,

now he's smiling, now he doesn't want to.

- She's not smiling.
- Take a sticker... See a sticker?

- Yeah.
- Put it on the bus.

- (Horns beeping)
- She's terrified. She is terrified.

She's going, "For God's sake."

She went like that and locked the door.

- Let the public...
- All right, the lights are changing.

Lights, lights, lights! Lights!

(Horns blaring)

We're not getting out again?
Where are you going?

(Horn blares)

And it took ages, didn't it?

I mean, I might as well have got on a bus.

You know? At least a bus
has less stops than they do.

I mean, every hundred yards,
they were getting out and having a dance.

- Enough, huh?
- Yeah, let's go.

Come out with us! Come out with us.
Just for a bit. Come on.

(Karl) We're moving.
Two minutes. Two minutes.

(# Pop music)

On a corner.
Couldn't pick a dangerous spot.

This is the most dangerous place.

(Horns beeping)

Yeah, I felt a bit bad about jumping out
and legging it.

But I don't like dancing, do I?

You know, I don't dance at weddings,

so I'm not going to start doing it
on a dual carriageway, am I?

I mean, they're right.
There is a lot of misery in the world.

But that doesn't help me.
That's making me worse.

(Horns beeping)

They're causing all that bibbing.

You know? Someone's trying
to get to hospital. Their gran's dying.

They're in the road.
(Sings tune)

Get out the fucking road!

Spoke to Steve this morning.

And he said, "Oh, get yourself
over to Bethlehem,

"to see where baby Jesus was born."

Bit of a problem, I found out it's
in Palestine, which, you know,

that's another place I've heard
nothing but bad news about.

Plus, I've got to get
over a massive wall to get to it.

It's just ugly.

And it goes on for miles.

I mean, they're not
messing about, are they?

I kind of thought,

"I bet there's some way you could sneak
under it or over it."

But...
there's no way.

(Man) Well, you've got to call London
before we go over, mate.

- The person you are calling is unable...
- That's good.

The man in charge
of making sure I'm safe...

...record your message...

- (Bleep)
- All right, Richard, it's Karl.

About to go over the border.
If you don't hear from us in four hours,

it's all gone tits up.

I mean, that's Richard. That sums him up.
He's always on the phone.

So of all the people to have
as our emergency number,

you know, calling 999 and it's engaged.

Sums him up.

That checkpoint was a
bit weird, weren't it?

I mean, I sort of felt guilty,
even though I hadn't done anything.

I've got a Palestinian fella
meeting me called Kase.

Yeah, but I think...
I'm meeting someone.

- Are you Karl?
- All right, yeah.

- Hi, I'm Kase. How are you?
- Who I'm meeting. Got a lift already.

- How was it?
- Depressing.

(Laughs)

Honestly, I didn't think
it would have that

effect on me, I'm not
that sort of person.

You know, if you're passing here every day,
it's not depressing.

If you're waking up every morning,

and seeing this ugly concrete stuff
in front of your eyes,

then it's depressing.

- You're my guest. This is my car.
- Safe.

- Huh?
- Safe.

Yeah, course it's safe. I have insurance.

Pipes are shaped like that.

(# Plays whistle)

- Are these for us?
- Yeah, it's a gift. From the Holy Land.

- Holy Land...
- It makes holy music.

You won't think that when I'm playing it.

See, there's nothing like that at home.

There's nothing like
that anywhere on earth.

(Karl) No. We have a congestion charge
that caused a little bit of fuss.

If you drive into London,
you have to pay Ј8.

Everybody was like, "This is an outrage!"

But it's nothing compared to this.
Honestly...

This is costing the
people more than Ј8, man.

This is costing
them their future.

Is it going to be busy in there?

Well, check it out.
Did you close your door well?

Yeah. Is anyone going to nick it?

- I mean, it's a religious... holy...
- Nah, lots of cops, so don't worry.

People who are into religion
shouldn't be nicking cars.

- (# Plays flute)
- So why are these a big deal, then?

- Why are we bringing these here?
- Because the shepherds...

Watch your head, man.

Anything you need, you can ask us.

The flute says...

No, you can't.

The flute says that the shepherds came
to the site of Birth carrying flutes.

- Whatever, you cannot use it inside.
- OK, just carry it.

This is where jesus was born.

- Right there?
- Right there.

- (Knocks)
- On this rock.

- Are you allowed to touch it?
- You can touch it, you can kiss it...

I think that's all you can do with it.
(Laughs)

How do they know that?

It's an oral tradition,
saying this is the place.

But does jesus want us to come here
and see where was he born,

and touch the stones and go crying
and blah blah blah?

I don't think so.

No. I think I'm with you on that.

- (# Flute)
- (Karl) # Little donkey

(# Playing Little Donkey)

I'd say the only time
I've had religion in

my life was playing
Little Donkey at school.

And my mate Wayne, he was Catholic,

and he said,
"Oh, do you want to go and do this?"

And I was like, "Piss off."

And he said, "Right. You just swore.

"If you don't come with me to church,

"Ill tell your mam
that you told me to piss off."

So I had to go with him.

And in the end, I got
chucked out for bouncing

a tennis ball, sort
of in the church.

That's been about it. But I think
I got more of a feeling from that wall

than I did from where jesus was born.

Yet people are going in there,
sort of like, "Oh... Ah..."

You wanna go over there. That's where
you're gonna have a tear. It's depressing.

(# Playing Little Donkey)

Been here four days now
and we're only just going to the Wonder.

But, erm...

I was looking in the guidebook,
and we pass the Dead Sea this way.

It'll just be nice for me
to have a bit of a restful day.

Ricky doesn't even need to know.

Looks quite good. I'm not a great swimmer.

The good thing with the Dead Sea
is you just float about in it.

It's, like... Loads of salt in it.

It's another experience, innit?
It's one of life's little wonders.

A proper wonder, a natural wonder,
which is the sort I like, really.

It's not too busy, either.
I thought it'd be a right tourist trap.

This is all right, this.
Er, something that I read in the book,

this is the lowest place on the world.

I know we don't normally have sort of
information on this programme and that,

like, not proper stuff, anyway,
but that's a little bit.

It's the lowest... This is...
You can't get lower than this.

I don't know why. I don't even know
if it's true, but that's what I read.

So I might as well give it a go.
Everybody else seems to be doing it.

Right. Whatever I'm doing, I've got
to do it quick, cos that is so hot.

It's really uneven.

Fuckin' hell, you really do, you know?

Look at that!

I don't even have to, like, do anything.
This is ace.

(Man) Karl, what's going on
with your belly button, mate?

What the fuck is that?

Is that a fag end?

Or was that...
Was that someone's goz?

It looks like someone's gobbed in here.

Fuckin' hell, it is, as well.

- (Mobile phone)
- Phone.

Come here.

Hello?

I'm just in the Dead Sea.

Yeah, just floating around
with someone's goz.

- Urgh.
- There's old people in here,

just clearing their throats and that.

I just had some in me belly button.

So that's what's floating above.
Christ knows what's floating under me.

Maybe that's why I'm floating around.

- 90%...
- (Laughter)

90% catarrh, or...

- It's nice, though. It's good, this.
- Now...

I've been doing work!
I've been doing work for four days!

This is an experience.
It's good for the programme.

I'm explaining to people
how it's loads of salt in it,

- you float about, it's good for your skin.
- Yes.

Exactly. Exactly.

This is the truth.

There is.

(Bleeping)

He sounded a bit pissed off
that I was having a rest, didn't he?

Hiya. Passport?

- Where are you going?
- Where am I going? Petra.

- Petra?
- Yeah.

Go? I can go?

Yeah, it's good to be in jordan.

But we could
have been here days ago, couldn't we?

Petra's only down the road.
We could drive there.

But Ricky's come up with this idea that,
you know,

I meet a local bloke called Mohammed
who's got a camel.

You know, how long's that gonna take?

- My friend.
- Hello.

We need to cross this road.

(Camel bellowing)

And how many hours?
How many hours that way?

At least 48 hours.
Two days, full days on the camels.

- (Camel grumbling)
- Fuckin' hell.

- Oh, dear.
- (Calling to camel)

(Wind whistling)

- (Karl) Would you like some music?
- What kind of music do you have?

(Karl) It's just music. No singing.

When I'm a little bit
stressed, it calms me.

(# Acker Bilk: Stranger On The Shore)

(Mohammed) Is a lady sing?

(Karl) There's no singing,
it's just a man on a clarinet.

(Mohammed) Ah.
(Karl) Nice, isn't it?

(Mohammed) Very nice.

Very nice! You teach me English song,
I'll teach you Bedouin song.

(# Sings)

(# Karl mimics song)

(# Mohammed sings)

(# Karl sings)

- (Hisses)
- How is it, my friend?

- Good, yeah.
- How's your ass now?

Fuckin' hell!

Look, you can see up here,
it's going on for miles.

(Sighs)

Just doesn't make
sense, does it?

Why do people live in
the middle of nowhere,

when you've got to travel
that sort of distance to get to somewhere?

Cos he was saying, some people have
to do that once a week to nip to the shops.

And they get a big order in,
then carry it all the way back.

Move, then. Move closer to the shop,
or open a shop.

What's it like where we're staying tonight?

(Mohammed) Maybe we find Bedouin tents.

Maybe we're alone in the desert.
Sand dunes.

- (Karl) Sand dunes?
- Sometimes, the Bedouins, they move.

- I don't know.
- (Karl) You must have a plan.

(Mohammed) This is desert. We don't know
what's the desert keep for us. We'll see.

(Camel bellowing)

This camel's knackered.

Keeps stopping every ten minutes.

- (Camel groaning)
- (Mohammed talking, indistinct)

I could be a good camel.

It's just sort of moaning, innit?

(Imitates camel)

(Camel bellows)

(Karl) "Fucking sick of this..."

(Camel bellowing)

- We're going to carry it now by the car.
- On the van.

Yeah.

- (Bellowing)
- (Karl) That was weird, that.

It was like a breakdown,
proper breakdown in the desert.

They turn up, stick it on the back.
"No, it's knackered. It's gonna cost you."

But, to be honest, it's
a bit of luck, that.

Cos I've had enough.
I'm up to here with this.

Camels have been around for years.

The ships of the desert.
That's what they're known as.

We've ended up with Titanic.

As long as there's not a major gale,
I'm sure it'll be all right.

He's got 14 kids.

So, you know, me staying's
hardly an issue, is it?

You see it, how the camel stand up?

(Karl) Yeah, he's happy now.

- You just strap the bag to its head?
- Yeah.

Get in there!

Let's get this done.
Get the day done. Get to bed.

(Groans)

(Karl) These are all his sons?
(Mohammed) Yeah. All his sons.

- But I'm not allowed to see the mother?
- No.

At all? Not even to say hello?
Thanks for having us?

Forbidden. No way.

- That's why the... You see...
- What about by accident?

That's why the house, it's covered.

(Karl) Well, say if I go
to the toilet, I knock...

"Doof doof doof doof."
(High-pitched voice) "I'm in here!"

She comes out, I see her.

That's not her fault, that's my fault.
So what happens then?

- This is by mistake, is no problem.
- That's fine. OK.

Mr Mohammed said, erm...
He said they don't get many guests here.

So... be polite.

There's a big pot of something in there

that looked like some sort of milk.

I've not seen any cows.
I don't know what it's come from.

I'm not a fan of milk anyway.

It's not being rude, it's just I don't want
to eat it. I don't want to get ill.

The... I'm surprised.
They don't want me to get ill.

Cos we're all sharing that little toilet.

(Mobile phone)

I'm in the middle of
nowhere, honest to God.

It's moon-like.

Eight hours on a camel.

Well, I tell you, it's not funny.

I mean, I reckon I've done some damage.

It was just long, and it was hot.

Yeah.

That's what I'm saying.
There's nothing to look at.

It's not like it's worth
doing so many hours.

After half an hour,
you've seen it.

It's not, though.

Hang on a minute.
Something's just fucking run up my leg.

Can I call you tomorrow or summat?

(Static)

See you later. See you later.

What the fuck was that?

See you.

Fuckin' hell.

Can we just eat and go to bed?

I don't like the look of this.

Don't put too much of that on...
on my bit.

I can't, erm...
I can't have too much of that.

- That's the tongue.
- The what?

The tongue. Tongue of the goats.

- You have it.
- No!

- Why?
- Come on!

(Karl) Ooh! Thank you.
(Mohammed) Eat more.

- It's meat. From the goat.
- (Karl) What bit is it, though?

- That's not meat.
- This is the eye.

- There, eat.
- (Karl) I can't eat eye.

I'll tell you now.
I've got a very bad gag reflex.

Now, if I eat that, and I start gagging,
that doesn't look good either.

They'll think I'm rude.

This is a weird night out, innit?

What time do we normally go to sleep?

- (Speaking)
- (Mohammed) Er, tonight, we have a guest.

- So what does that mean?
- He means you.

And he could not go sleep early.

Oh, he can! He can, honestly!

(Laughing) I'm so tired!

(# Singing)

I'm shattered. I just want my bed.

But, you know. What can you do?

I'm with a family who doesn't
understand me, I don't understand them,

they're cooking food I don't like.

Well, it's...
it's been hard work today, hasn't it?

Are we actually going to get to Petra
tomorrow or what?

I just want to see the Wonder today.
Petra. That's what I'm here for.

I'm not in any mood for messing about.
I didn't sleep that well last night.

I had a rough day yesterday, ten hours
on the back of a camel in roasting heat.

I've just spoke to Mohammed, he said we're
not even quarter of the way there yet.

Does he think I'm getting on a camel again?
How are we going to get there?

We could have drove on this brilliantly
yesterday, but we were on a camel instead.

We can now drive.

(Mohammed) We don't have a car,
my friend. We have camels.

Yeah, but they broke down yesterday.

- Why can't we just get in that one?
- No, we have to ride camel.

(Karl) We don't have to.
I don't need to get on a camel again.

- But we are half the way down.
- The programme's an hour long.

We've done eight hours
of filming on a camel.

- OK.
- You do the math.

We're going on a fucking camel again.
I swear to God.

We've talked about this.
I'm bored of arguing with you.

If you're not listening, I'm not listening.

- I'm not going on a camel again.
- Come on!

- I'm not going on a camel again.
- Why?

- I'm not going on a camel.
- Why?

- I'm not going on a camel again.
- We have...

- Not going on a camel.
- We have one day more!

OK. We could go with this car.

So how long will it be by car?

(Mohammed sighs) 12 hours.

(Karl) I'm just sick of camels.

I mean, you've got to prefer this,
haven't you?

- So much nicer.
- (Mohammed) Yeah?

(Karl) Yeah. I'll be in a good mood, then,
when we see Petra,

and I'll go, "Oh, wow. Amazing."

So we're in now. This is the start of it?

(Mohammed) We are now
in the beginning of the city of Petra.

OK, my friend. I have to leave you now.
Nice to meet you, Karl.

- See you again, yeah?
- See you again, again.

(Man) Please key in the commentary number.

One. Welcome to Petra.
A city half as old as time.

The word Petra is Latin for "rock".

The city dates back to 300BC,

when it was known...

He just said that..."Welcome to Petra,"
he said Petra is Latin for, erm...

I've forgot, now. This is the problem
with this. There's too much to take in.

I didn't come here for a Latin lesson.

I just want to know where the Wonder is,
and let's have a look at it.

Ten. El Khazneh. You are now face to face
with one of the ancient world wonders,

and the most famous monument in Petra.

The word in Arabic means "treasury".

You may recognise the facade.

This is the site where the movie
Indiana jones And The Last Crusade,

among others, was filmed.

(Mobile phone)

Hang on a sec. Hang on.

Hello?

All right.

I've, er... I'm just stood
in front of the Wonder.

That was a waste of time last night,
staying with the Bedouins.

He gave me lamb's eyes to eat.
Er, I slept on a hard floor all night.

So I feel like shit.
That's how I'm feeling.

I mean, it looks all right. I'm sure
if I was in a better mood, I'd big it up.

I'm basically in the middle of a load
of rock, and someone's carved it out.

And it is amazing. But I don't know
what more there is to say than that.

What for?

What's... What...

What?

- But...
- (Bleeping)

Steve.

All right, it's Karl. Erm...

I've just spoke to Ricky. He said,
"Oh, you're staying in a cave tonight."

Well, what...
what's that about?

Cos I don't think he's taking this serious.

Yeah, but I didn't...
I didn't...

No, but I didn't literally
mean that's what I'd like.

(Bleeping)

I mean, this is a...
an all-time low, I reckon.

Of... my life.

(Man) You've barely
mentioned the wonder.

(Karl) Well, I'm not
thinking about it, am I?

How can I stand there and go,
"Oh, what a beautiful bit of work,"

when in the back of my head, you're going,
"Karl, you're living in a cave tonight"?

I can't focus on that.

(Sighs) Oh, God.

Steve said I've got to
find a fella called

Ibrahim who's gonna let
me stay in his cave.

- It's been a long day.
- How are you?

How do you do?

- So what do you put down...
- Huh?

What do you put down as an address?

- Jordan, Petra. That's all.
- Just Jordan.

- That's never gonna get to you.
- It will.

- The postman would know...
- Yes.

- Yeah, they know.
- And everything you order...

- Yes.
...always gets to your house?

- (Both) Yeah.
- The cave.

(Karl) Hm. I can't believe that.

Cos when I order stuff,
and get it delivered,

- sometimes it doesn't turn up.
- No!

And I've got a postcode.

- That's amazed me more than the Wonder.
- Yes.

That. That you can get post delivered.
I can't believe that.

Yes.

(Karl) What facilities are in the cave?

(Ibrahim) We put a mattress,
er, we make the fire,

and we sleep wherever.

Between the sky and the land.
Not like, er, the city.

Ricky called, says, "You're
staying in a cave.

" Starts laughing.

And I pictured the sort of caves
you get in Wales,

where it's all sharp...
sharp edges,

really damp, and the sea comes in
at some point in the night.

I get here, decent size,
dead warm, dead cosy...

Nice touch with the candles.

I tell you, I've seen houses
that are worse than this.

I think I can...
I can sort of fit into this way of life.

It is like a holiday every day.

Nice little holiday home,
eating like this, having a drink.

Suits me down to the ground, this.

Ricky always says I'm a
bit, like, you know,

a caveman, and I haven't
really evolved.

He says the shape of my head,
and the way my eyebrows come out a bit...

Maybe that's it.
Maybe, er, I was born a bit late.

Mm, it's nice.

See, we haven't all evolved, have we?

It's just a few of us.

I haven't got a clue half the time.
I turn the tap on, still, and I go,

"How is water coming out of that?"

I'm lucky, cos I'm around
and someone else has come up with it.

But at the end of the
day, if stuff was left

down to me, I'd still
be living in here.

If I was lucky, you know.
I don't know if I could come up with this.

He just was saying how they used to do it.

He said they put a hole in the rock,

stick, like, a tree trunk in it,

put water in, and the wood expands...

Is that what he was saying?
Makes it all bigger.

There's no way I could come up with that.

I wouldn't come up with that now.

And yet they did that
three and a half thousand years ago.

Slept all right once I got off, really.

Erm...

There's a cat mooching about
now and again. Wandering in.

I suppose that's the problem
when you haven't got a front door.

That was a good night.
Best night since I've been here.

- Yeah?
- I'd do it again, you know?

Whilst I've been in
this part of the world,

there's not many things
that have happened

that I'd say, "I'd do that again."

But that, I would.

So, yeah, I loved it. Really, really smart.

I can imagine living at this time.

I can picture myself
just coming out of a little hole,

just with a club, thinking,
"What am I gonna do today?"

And it's easy to invent stuff back then,
cos there was nothing else about.

So anything you needed,
you'd come up with it.

"I want to dry my hands,
I've just washed my hands." Do a towel.

Everything. Anything you think of.
"This soup's hard to eat. I want a spoon."

Do you know what I mean?
You think of something now.

You try and come up with something now
that you need now.

I came up with a see-through toaster.

You always do that,
you're thinking, "Is it done yet?"

And you keep pressing
the spring, and you end

up breaking it cos
you've forced it open.

See-through toaster.
Went online, typed it in,

it's already been invented.

Dragons' Den back then
would have been a piece of piss.

Everybody who came in,
"That's a bloody good idea. Get it made."

30. El Deir, the monastery.

Sitting at the summit of Jebel El Deir
is Petra's grandest monument of all.

El Deir. The name is the Arabic word
for "monastery".

Do take advantage of this moment and
immerse yourself in the magnificence

and mysticism of this historic place.

Right. Yeah.

(Sighs) I can't even go in it.
That's ridiculous.

I mean, that's useless, innit?
Who's put them there?

That's... I mean, look.

But my point is, you're sat in there,
and that's your view, over there.

If you look here, point proven.

You're better off living in the hole,
looking at the palace,

than living in the palace looking
at the hole, aren't you?

So Ricky and Steve can say I'm a knob.

I think that's my point proven, innit?

But I wasn't just talking about buildings.
I mean, in life.

Even being a good-looking person
or an ugly one.

In a way, you're better off being the ugly
one, and you get to look at nice things.

You're looking at the nicer-looking people.

Doesn't matter about being ugly.
How often do you look at yourself anyway?

Same thing. Be the ugly one.
Look at the nice one.

What's that? Who owns that?
Why's the dog so high up?

(Barking echoing)

It's not gonna shut up, that dog, is it?

- (Camel bellows)
- Oh, fuck me! Jesus!