American Princess (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Why Are You Romeo? - full transcript
Amanda has surprise visitors who struggle with the hyper-sexuality on display at the Renaissance Festival. Brian develops a crush and Maggie leads a Royal Pub Crawl.
Previously
on "American Princess"...
We like our peripheral employees
to stay consistent
with proper Elizabethan
as best they can.
Huzzah for the tipper.
We'll work on it.
[ Women shrieking ]Miss you, bitch.
-How's rehab?
-Lexi, she's not in rehab.
That's just what we're saying.It's not Amanda's fault
that that hooker bit off
her own tongue.Erin: It might be.
Helen: [ Lisping ]
I know you think I'm here
to stab you to death,
but the truth is, Amanda,
we're square.
My mom paid you off.
Now I can travel the circuit
in a tour bus.
♪♪
[ Indistinct conversations ]
♪♪
Areola:
Huzzah for the tipper!
-Huzzah!
-Huzzah!
♪ Huzzah for the tipper
It needs work.
[ Sighs ]
[ Dignified British accent ]
Blanchett, Cate Blanchett. No.
[ Rough Cockney accent ]
Cate Blanchett.
Pray thee.
Pray -- Pray thee.
Pray thee.
Pray thee tell.
[ Sighing ] Oh.
Huzzah for the titties.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
-[ Gasps ] Oh!
-Good morrow, dear cuz!
-[ Sighs ]
-Whoo! Oh, whoa. What's that?
This is for Cyril.
Cyril, I made you
a scoby-thingy,
and the kombucha
is turning out great.
I'd like to think it's because
I fermented it in the sun
and not in horse shit.
-Thanks?
-You're welcome.
And this is pineapple juice,
for your cough.
I know it was a little better
last night,
but the natural bromelain in it
will nip it in the bud, I swear.
You've totally embraced
the spirit of faire-mily!
But I don't have a cough.
Yes, you do.
You were up the last two nights.[ Boy coughs ]
That was Lil Boy.
Wh-What?
This little boy slept
in our room last night?
-Where else would he sleep?
-With his parents?
[ Laughing ]
I'm his parents!
-You have a kid?
-You knew about him.
I really truly
very much did not.
Really?
Well, this is Lil Boy.
Yes, I can see
that he's a little boy.
No, that's his name.
Lil Boy.
Until he's old enough
to choose his own name.
-Fartbox!
-Okay, not old enough yet.
Why don't you check the fridge
for Mommy?
This isn't quite cold enough.
He's been sleeping in our room
this whole time?
Sometimes. Lulu home-schools
the faire brats,
so a lot of times,
he crashes with her kids.
Wait, hive parenting.
I read about this
in Vanity Fair,I think.
Or a Buzzfeed listicle.
Lil Boy: One of the gasket
retainer screws is loose.
I need Lee's
Allen wrench.
-Okay.
-He does seem skilled.
Certainly better
here with me
than back home
with my crazy parents.
Your parents are strict,
too, huh?
My mom made me
take French andMandarin.
Mercifor nothing,
Chairman Mao.
Evangelical Christians.
I wasn't even allowed to read
"The Giving Tree"
when I was a kid, because
"If it can give you an apple,
it can touch you
in your bathing suit area."
Wow. Yeah, this is a much better
place for him. And you.
And all of us!
-Boobs look great.
-Thanks, babe.
It'll hold like this
for a bit,
but the gasket
needs to be replaced.
Will do.
Thanks, kiddo.
All right.
Three Wet-Naps, two matchbooks,
and some toothpicks.
Pleasure doing business
with you.
-You, too, Fartbox.
-Unh-unh. Not Fartbox.
Good advice, man. Adding more
plant-based proteins to my diet.
And I'll keep in mind
the spirit of the turkey.
[ Both laugh ]
You coming around, baby.
Ah. The showers
are all taken?
[ Water running ]
Yep.
Hey!
Same body wash.
Got to love
that Mountain Mist.
Great minds.
Then again, we do differ
in our choices
of toothpaste flavor.
What kind of person
uses wintergreen?
[ Chuckles ]
What can I say?
I'm a wintergreen guy.
Well, I also heard
that wintergreen
was the flavor...
used by Hitler.
♪♪
[ Clears throat ]
♪♪
[ Muttering indistinctly ]
[ Ethereal new-age
music playing ]
Good morrow,
Your Majesty.
You're late.
You missed
the Stanislavski warm-up.
Jumping right into mirror.
Thank you, mirror.
♪♪
Apologies for being late,
but I just had
a rather
awkward incident.
I ran into Juan Andrés,
you know,
the man I sort of like,
in the restroom.
We were in line for the showers.
I, you know, thought
I'd strike up a conversation,
but it went poorly.
Five, six, seven, eight.
I made a very bad joke...
about Hitler.
-Zip.
-Zap.
-Zop.
-Zip.
-Zap.
-Zop.
I'm sure it was fine.
And lift.
-And scene.
-And scene.
♪♪
How do I show him
that I like him?
Invite him over
for a Hefeweizen
and a light chapter
of "Mein Kampf."
[ Chuckles ]
Really, Maggie,
I need your help.
Oh, good God,
you're obsessed.
What's his profession?
Janitor?
He sells handmade wares.
Then show an interest
in his art or something.
What time is it, anyway?
I need to Nair my widow's peak
before breakfast.
I'm starting to look like
Count Chocula.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
All right, everybody, listen up.
We got a couple things
on the agenda.
There will be no more
25% employee discount
on meals purchased on
the grounds during Faire Days.What?
Lee!
What?
Boo.
Ticket sales dropped
opening weekend.
We got to pick up the slack.
So eat less,
and it won't affect you.
I can survive on a cup
of raw spinach a day.
Okay, moving on.
Uh, the Queen's Royal Tea
will now become
the Queen's Royal Pub Crawl.
Woman: Oh!Profit margins
are higher with booze.
And, uh, Callie, no more
nip slips at the joust.
We had some complaints
from the parents.
Actually, no, just the moms.
The dads were fine with it.
Free the nipple!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Nips!
No more moms!
All right, let's take
this energy outside
and show these people
what the faire is about.
Now, how about three cheers
for the faire?
-Hip hip...
-Huzzah.
-Hip hip...
-Huzzah.
-Hip hip...
-Huzzah!
Come on, guys!
Let's do it!
-Come on, come on, get up.
-Yeah!
-All right, everybody.
-Let's go, freaks!
Man:
All right, everybody,
let's go out there
and make some money!
-[ Clears throat ]
-Oh, God.
-Yes, Maggie?
-The Queen's Tea is a tradition.
I've led it every Faire Day
here since taking on
-the role of Elizabeth.
-Uh-huh.
The little girls sit
and converse with the Queen.
It is vital to show them
how upper-class women behave.
I'm sorry, but we got to pick up
cash wherever we can find it.
I will not besmirch the legacy
of the great Queen
simply to put a couple
of extra shekels in your pocket.
I figured you'd say that,
so I am prepared.
"It is said
that Elizabeth I
drank at least two pints
of ale every day.
In 1593, the royal household
went through
approximately
600,000 gallons of ale,"
signed the Internet.
The Queen drank beer, yes,
but in the refined company
of her ladies-in-waiting.
She never rubbed elbows
with drunken bachelor parties,
nor hairy men
in ironic t-shirts.
Your ladies-in-waiting
will be there with you,
so it will be completely
historically accurate.
Just think of it like
a royal girls' night out.
I don't believe
in girlfriends.
Bitches be haters.
All done?
Why, thank thee, fine sir.
Woman: I should get
a dress like that, right?
Your pitcher, m'lords.
Thank you, m'lady.
A tip for you.
Just the tip?
Frankly, sir,
I'd prefer the whole hog.
-[ Laughs ]
-Oh!
-Hey, Amanda.
-No more free beer, Friar.
-Lee would have my head.
-I'm not here for the booze.
Ophelia, the empty kegs
got to move.
On it. Friar!
-Listen, can you do me a favor?
-Is it sexual?
Because geriatric alcoholics
aren't really my type.
No, no, no, what? Listen,
Natasha usually does my show
at 4:00, but she -- she got
a ribbon burn on the May pole,
and now she needs
to ice her palms.
-So can you fill in?
-Okay, okay, fine, I'll do it.
-Oh, thank you. Thank you.
-If you move, please.
All right. Thanks.
Oh, nice muscles.
Duh. I'm in wedding shape,
which is scientifically proven
to be the hottest moment
of any woman's life.
SoulCycle and kettle bells.
Plus, I cut out grains.
Such a city lady.
-Hey!
-Uh, you are.
It's okay, but you are.
Hmm. Well, could a city lady
do this?
I can smell your French disease
from here.
Back across the channel
with you, pagans!
Hey! Oh, fie, Puritan!
Go jack your beanstalk
onto a communion wafer.
-[ Chuckles ]
-It'll release some frustration.
You know, the high fives were
a little bit anachronistic,
but, I mean,
you're getting there.
You'll blend in,
eventually.
I'm blending in
just fine.
♪♪
All done? Aye.
Patrons, pay attention,
for this man has given me
what every woman desires --
multiples!
[ Laughter ]
Huzzah for the tipper!
-Huzzah!
-Huzzah!
[ Laughter fades ]
♪ Yo, clock in
when the mood strikes ♪
♪ I do what a boss likes,
slowpokes, they look twice ♪
♪ Cold...I'm a Klondike...boys
get curved tough ♪
No. Way.
♪ When a girl gang,
gang roll up ♪
♪ Make a beeline
for the green room ♪
♪ I get money to show up
♪ Break, break, break, break
Ugh.
-Ew.
-Ew.
Ew.
Oh, my God.
Hi!Hi!
Hi!Hi!
Wow.You guys!
This.
What are you doing here?
We came
to check on you, babe.
Nick: I mean, did you think
we forgot about you?
Oh, kind of.
-No.
-You guys!
Uh, c-come sit down?
-Yeah. Let's go.
-Okay.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Two secs, you guys.
I am dying to catch up.
Yeah. Okay. What in the dorky
hell has gotten into her?
It's like she's been kidnapped
by those drum circle
mole people
in Union Square.
-Uh-huh.
-Those titties, though.
Yes, girl,
those titties.
Lexi, can you actually
stop calling me "girl"?
It's starting
to feel minimizing.
Oh, my God. I would never,
ever want you to feel that.
-I'm so sorry.
-It's okay. It's okay.
I'm mean,
I'm just really grateful
that I could share
my truth with you.
-Love you, bitch.
-Love you, too, bitch. Mwah.
-Sangria. On me.
-Ooh. Thanks, sweetie.
So, is this, like,
your jobjob, or...?
I mean, it's part of it.
Basically, we're all
sort of performers
in a larger production.
We all live communally,
so it's kind of like a kibbutz.
It seems more like
Rajneeshpuram.
-Yeah.
-Ma Anand Sheela
-is a feminist icon.
-Tea.
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
-Yes!
-Cheers.
Oh, no.
So, what's news
with you guys?
Um, well,
Nick hit 10k on Instagram.
And Rachel Zoe
retweeted me.
Yeah, and Lexi's
on a new antidepressant.Yay!
So, and then, with me, you know,
work is work, same thing.
80 hours a week, Postmates for
every meal,
totally worth it.
-That's amazing, you guys.
-Yeah.
God, you look so cute,
by the way, Amanda.
I mean, you are really serving,
like, pure Coachella realness.
-Yeah, you do.
-Honestly, you guys,
I feel amazing.
♪♪
Wow.
[ Chuckles ]
It's just such a shock
seeing you here.
Faire virgins. I hope your first
time doesn't hurt too much.
Hon, look,
we're not here to judge.
I mean, with everything
you've been through,
it makes sense
that you would run off
and do something...different,
um, as you recover
from the stress.
-And humiliation.
-Yeah.
Lexi:
And we're also here to check
that you aren't
totally mentally ill.
Lexi, that was car talk.
-We told you.
-Like four times.
[ Laughs ]
Sorry. It's the new meds.
Oh, my God.
Tankards and flagons
and jugs for sale.
You won't find a better
pair of jugs, milady.
And make sure
you tell your friends.
Fill it to the top with mead,
and you'll need
a carriage ride home!
Well met, Juan Andrés.
Uh, hi.
Come, get your flagons!
My, what beautiful wares.
What are these made of?
Cow horns.
Makes sense.
Aah.
Flagons, tankards, milady.
Oh!
And pray tell,
what about
this, uh, gorgeous
suede-like canteen?
Suede.
Suede?
Suede.
-Milady.
-Milord.
Tankards and flagons
and jugs for sale!
Oh, this --
Now, this is so lovely.
I can imagine pouring myself
a Montepulciano
or some other Old World red
in one of these.
Are you, mayhaps,
also a wine-drink--
[ Ceramic shatters ]Oh.
Oh, fie.
I-I-I am so sorry.
I-I will pay
for all of these.
It's okay.
I make these myself,
so it's just lost time.
You make all these
ceramic mugs yourself?
Out of...
Clay.
Clay.
Welcome, my countrymen,
to the Queen's...Pub Crawl.
As you toast the monarchy,
you may approach
and ask any questions you'd like
about our daily lives
in the court.
Is it true you guys, like,
never took showers?
Did the Queen have to poop
in a bucket?[ Laughter ]
Please, let us keep
the questions
related to
our courtly life.
For instance, can you guess
how many ladies-in-waiting
I did host
in my time as queen?
-69!
-69!
[ Laughter ]
Ah, hear ye, hear ye.
Uh, the Queen commands that
whomever can consume their beer
with the most haste
shall be made lady-in-waiting
-for the day.
-Wow.
And you can be a guy.
Or however you may identify.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yes, what a civilized idea.
On my count, drink.
One, two, three.
-Yeah!
-Yes!
-Oh!
-Whoo-hoo!
I suppose I must declare a tie
between these two, um,
spirited wenches.
-Um, please, join my court.
-Yes!
-Sweet!
-And as our first duty
on the Queen's court,
we're doing shots.
[ Cheers and applause ]
No, no, no, I shan't.
Chug it, your horniness.
-Chug it, your horniness.
-Chug it, your horniness.
All: [ Chanting ]
Chug it, your horniness.
The Queen drank.
And shots cost extra.
Come on.
What would Daniel Day-Lewis do?
He'd retire.
-Chug it, your horniness!
-Chug it, your horniness!
Chug it, your horniness!Chug it, your horniness!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
O0 C1Nick: I feel like this is
my new summer drink.What is this?ome more.
Lexi: Morgan.It's honestly, like, disgusting.
-Oh, my God.
-It's di-- Uh --
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Okay, who are those
shiny people?
They're my friends
from home.
Oh, my gosh! Fun! I'll go
spray 'em with bubble water.
No!
They're not
those kind of people.
-I'm actually really nervous?
-How come?
It's the whole
mixing-worlds thing.
You know when you introduce
your yoga friends
to your Pilates friends,
and the vibe
is just super different?
[ Sighs ]
I need
for them to like it.
Oh, they're like you were
three weeks ago --
a newborn baby possum,
blind and small-headed.
But then you grew up to be
a warm, smushy,
sighted
woodland creature.
This pertains how?
Show them the faire
through your eyes.
Then they'll be sold.
I vote more alcohol.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Good idea.
Yeah.
I feel like we've been here
for 500 hours.
-More sangria?
-[ Gasps ] Yes, please.
-Yes, Mom.
-Fun, right?
I mean, yeah, if by "fun,"
you mean super offensive.
-Thank you.
-What is with all
the horny nerd humor?
It's like, I feel like
the only girl in, like,
a Fortnite chat room.
Oh, come on. It's 1585.
Things were different
back then.
Um, well,
but it's not back then.
It's now pretending
to be back then.
Actually, it's a super
empowering place for women.
It's super inclusive and
non-judgey and body positive.
-Like the Trevor Project.
-No.
Fine wenches,
you all look delicious.
I wish I could give each of you
a long, steady ride
on my horse.
-A rose, milady?
-From you? God, no.
I'd literally rather get a rose
from Arie Luyendyk --
All: The most hated Bachelor
of all time.
[ Lively folk music playing
in distance ]
-But you should take --
-I'll take a flower, sir.
♪♪
[ All gasp ]
Oh!
[ All muttering indistinctly ]
♪♪
[ All gasp ]
Morgan: Ugh.
Meet me at the joust
at 2:00 and 30.
I'll ride for thine honor.
[ Music stops,
applause in distance ]
[ Nick whispers indistinctly ]
Lexi:
It's so hot. [ Sighs ]
Lexi, what just
happened to me?
Amanda, you were
just assaulted.
Totally.
I feel triggered.
I'm fine.
Like I said,
things are different here.
There's a familiar vibe
between performers.
He just made out with your neck.
Do you even know him?
Yeah, I've seen him around.
He's like a jouster.
Like from "A Knight's Tale"?
Heath Ledger
-was my sexual awakening.
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God. Me, too.
-Hashtag "MeToo."
Stop it!
That is not a joke!
Ow.
[ Snickering ]
Amanda, this is
your workplace, okay?
You need to stand up
for consent.
Okay, okay, fine,
but can we just take a beat
and appreciate this faire?
It's super fun, I swear.
Hmm.
[ Singsong voice ]
There's shopping!
-[ Gasps ] Yes!
-Okay. Grab my drink.
Okay, can you put it up?
-Like here?
-'Cause that's not a good angle.
-Yeah.
-Like that?
Woman: Huzzah!
♪♪
[ Retches ]
I'm sorry to be, like,
that person,
but do they have anything
that's paleo here?
Cucumber mint water?
What about turkey legs?
Yes, bitch. Pure lean protein.
Thank you.
[ Clears throat ]
Who's a city lady?
♪♪
Man: Take dead aim!
Try your luck.
♪♪
I see you, Legolas!
Whew. Orlando Bloom wishes
he looked this good.
Tankards and flagons!
Show me your jugs,
-and I'll show you mine.
-Seriously?
Would it hurt you to trynot
to commodify women's bodies?
[ Laughing ]
It's fine.
♪♪
[ Giggles ]
-Yes!
-You. Guys.
-This --
-Mean.
-Much.
-It's you. Literally you.
Do you guys take
AmEx black?
[ Lisping ]
You bet your ass they do.
[ Indistinct conversations
in distance ]
-Who was that?
-No one.
No one.
Wait, wait,
you have to try this on.Yes.
This faire is full of debauchery
and disgusting behavior!
Oh, my God.
Thank you. Yes.
The wanton whores should be
drawn and quartered,
lest they corrupt young men
-seeking virgin wives.
-Oh, wait.
No. Women are -- are not
property.
-You're missing it. You're --
-A woman's value
lies in her maidenhead.
Disgusting!
Ooh, aye! Here's a bunch
of filthy peasants!
Aye! Come back to the washer
wench show at 3:00 and 30,
where getting clean
never felt so dirty.
-[ Grunts, hums ]
-I'm sorry.
Did you guys just call
yourselves "washer wenches"?
A wench be
a working girl.
-Aye, aye.
-Okay, but don't you think
you could have come up
with, like, a more woke name
-than that?
-More woke?
"Woke" being
a culturally black term
recently appropriated
by mainstream America?
Just want to make sure I'm
hearing you correctly...Becky.
Uh --
Hello? Oh, yeah.
I'm so sorry about her
and her Becky-ism.
Nay, nay,
good mistress Ophelia!
Have thee a pleasant day!
-Mm!
-Aye.
O0 C1[ [ Slurring ]ng,
Oh, actually, actually,
I did sleep with many men
out of wedlock.
Lord Chancellor
Christopher Hatton,
the second Earl of Essex
Robert Devereux,
Sir Walter Raleigh.
Oh, you are such
a whore, you!
You --
[ All shrieking, laughing ]
Cheers to the Queen
and her breast friends!
[ All cheering ]
Oh.
I suppose you are
my best lady friends.
Barkeep, can I have
another, please?
And one
for my dear friend...
♪♪
Who are you?
-I'm Alicia.
-Mm?
We've worked together
for three summers.
Alicia, you must tell me
everything about yourself.
Are you, as I suspect,
from a troubled home?
You have such sad eyes.
♪♪
♪ What do you do
with a drunken sailor? ♪
♪ What do you do
with a drunken sailor? ♪
♪ What do you do with a drunken
sailor earlye in the mornin'? ♪
Oh. Mug him in the subway
and take his Guccis!
♪ Mug him in the subway
and take his Guccis ♪
♪ Mug him in the subway
and take his Guccis ♪
♪ Mug him in the subway
and take his Guccis ♪
♪ Earlye in the morning
I have one!
Aw, man, I forgot.
♪ Aw, man, she forgot,
aw, man, she forgot ♪
♪ Aw, man, she forgot
earlye in the mornin' ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
I mean, look, I'm --
I'll say it -- issa bop.
[ Laughter ]
Amanda, Amanda, look,
there's your assaulter.
Oh, Morgan,
he didn't assault me.
Oh, really? So you're just
not gonna confront him
about his toxic behavior?
Okay, no, yeah, no.
I just, you know --
I thought you were
a feminist, Amanda.
Hey.
Um, sir, uh, Jouster.
-Hi. Um, so...
-Hi.
I think that we need to define
some workplace boundaries.
When you kissed me earlier,
I have to acknowledge
that it wasn't something that
I technically consented to.
Uh, I didn't
tell you to stop,
but I didn't
joyfully consent.
Not that I'm saying
you're the Cat Person
from that New Yorkerpiece.
You are so not the Cat Person.
-I'm actually attracted to you.
-Nice.
-Not that that's relevant.
-It's not.
Anyway...
I hope that makes sense.
Do you need any
clarification?
No. [ Chuckles ]
I don't have any allergies.
Listen, I got to go
brush my horse.
But we should
hook up sometime.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Amanda. Amanda.
-Huh?
-Hi.
-Oh.
-Me? Yeah. I'm genuinely worried
about your safety here, okay?
This is like one giant
pussy-grabbing party.
Morgan, you don't have to worry.Okay, but it's not just about
the aggrosexual jouster,
all right?
It's this whole culture.
Like, women
are objects here.
-Amanda! Amanda, you're up.
-Yes?
-Oh, right, right, right.
-Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Listen, this is an amazing place
for women to feel empowered.
I swear we're not
just objects here.
Wench auction!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Gentlemen and
not so gentle ladies,
we have some fine wenches
to be auctioned to you today.
And you can pay fair price...
or not![ Laughter ]
I'll start the bidding.
No.
With this lovely woman
in the queer attire.
Bid it up, boys.[ Men cheering ]
Now, can I start this bidding
at one plague rat?
Man:
Aye! One plague rat.
10 dead penguins.
A sickly sheep!
10 bales of hay!
I bid my ex-wife!
[ Laughter ]
-That might be it!
-Two yards of wool
-and a young lamb.
-Sold!
To the gentleman with
questionable motives.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Ah, they're made
for each other.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Huzzah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Next up, the faire's own
dirty pub wench,
Ophelia Feelsgood!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Come on, Ophelia!
-Whoo!
Shut up.
I'm so glad to be participating
in this event,
because I love
participating in events
where women
support other women.
Show us your tits!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yo, band nerds,
drop a beat.
[ Lively folk music playing ]
-What's happening?
-Women supporting women?
Huh? Whoa.
[ Screaming ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Whoo!
-Oh.
-Yas!
Whoo!
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, folks, that surely
is worth a bid.
I bid a shepherd's pie
and my ax!
Only?
[ Lisping ]
My ovaries.
A grande
iced mochachino!
A bucket of dead skin!
Thick stick!
A dozen sheep!
Some of 'em with four legs.
You can do better than that,
Pizzle.
And tat for two
from Zabar's.
-Ooh.
-Stick.
A castle in France!
Okay, we're done. Come on.[ Cheers and applause ]
Sold!
[ Laughs ]
Let's go.You're taking this
too seriously, Morgan.
Oh, really? You were just
mock-sold for sex. Okay?
So, you're welcome, B-T-dubs,
for making it stop.
Obviously,
it was just for fun.
Well, what if a bunch
of little girls saw you?
What kind of message
are you sending?
Maybe if little girls
saw me,
they would see that it isn't
negative to be sexual.
There's a difference
between being sexual
and being sexualized.
Fair maiden, you were
positively fantastic.
We always present this
to our favorite at the auction.
-Uh-oh.
-And you were far and away
the --
drumroll, please --
[ Both imitate drumroll ]
-Wenchiest Wench!
-Wenchiest Wench!
Oh.[ Both imitating fanfare ]
Oh, no. Oh, wow.
[ Both continue
imitating fanfare ]
[ Sighs ]
Guys.
[ Chuckles ]
Thank you so much.
[ Chuckles ]
You're not really gonna
wear that thing.
Oh, Morgan,
can you just relax?
"Just relax"? [ Scoffs ]
Wow. What a privileged concept.
Yeah, I wish
I could just relax,
but unlike your horny,
little fantasy camp,
the real world has consequences
for sexual harassment.
Morgan's in the middle of
a lawsuit against her ex-boss.
Yeah, he groped her.
A lot.
Oh, my God.
Morgan, I'm -- I'm so sorry.
-I had no idea.
-Exactly.
Exactly. You have no idea
what anyoneis going through,
yet you're 100% convinced
that all of this objectification
and toxic masculinity
is just for fun, okay?
So, yeah, go win Wenchiest Wench
for the patriarchy.
-Or for losers like them.
-Hey!
What? They are part of
the problem. Everyone here is.
People like them,
anyone who comes here,
can say what works
and what doesn't.
I'm sorry
it's upsetting to you.
And I'm sorry about what
you're going through, truly.
But you can't take it out
on good, kind people
like Bo and Jenny,
who are trying to just get away
from the real world
and find someplace where
they feel like they can belong.
So...
If you don't like it here,
then you should just leave.
[ Scoffs ]
I don't even know
who you are right now.
God. What the hell am I gonna
tell your mother?
Why do you have
to tell her anything?
-Did she send you here?
-It's -- She -- I --
Would you guys have even
come if she hadn't?
-Yes.
-Of course we would have.
-She lent us her 'Cedes.
-Oh, stop it.
♪♪
Listen, I --
I love you, Amanda.
I do.
I really do, okay?
But this?
I can't.
-Hello?
-Okay.
Look, you should totally
bone that jouster.
And if he's good,
just give him my number.
-Mm-hmm.
-He reads bi.
[ Chuckles ]
I like dressing slutty.
Love you, Amanda.
[ Man shouting
indistinctly in distance ]
[ Cheers and applause
in distance ]
♪♪
O0 C1
[ Muttering indistinctly ]
[ Sobs ]
Should I text him?
I should text him, right?
Actually, I think it's time
to move on.
Oh, how wise.
It is time to move on.
No, it's time
for usto move on
to the next stop
on the Pub Crawl.
We paid 60 bucks
for this.
-Fine.
-Bye.
Fair thee well.
Rest you merry.
Mm...
Oh, whoa, whoa,
whoa, okay.
I think you've had enough,
Your Highness. Let's trade.
Ah, Lee.
Lee, Lee.
What is this life, huh?
You and me know the truth,
right?
What's that, Maggie?
The truth is
that we're all alone.
We'll always be alone.
God is dead.
-Uh...
-Mm?
Maggie...
...I love you.
Truly.
I've always thought
you were beautiful and dark
and deliciously
complicated.
And hearing
that you're lonely like me
just makes me
love you more.
I think you're
the perfect woman.
And you're drunk right now,
so I don't want this
to get all rapey, but...
I wish
you were my girlfriend.
[ Vomiting ]
Oh!
-[ Mutters indistinctly ]
-Is she okay?
Yeah, just very,
very drunk.
I have to go
numbers 1, 2, and 3.
-I'll take her from here.
-Yep.
-Do I look pretty?
-Yes, dear.
Would you believe me
if I told you I was in my 30s?
-Yes, dear.
-Do you think Daniel Day-Lewis
wore his Lincoln hat
while he slept and showered?
Yes, dear.
You're my best friend.
Yep.
♪♪
[ Guitar tuning ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
I know, I know --
I'm drinking again.
But if you would refrain from
mentioning anything about that,
that would be
very much appreciated.
Actually, I was going to say
I'm impressed.
Drinking discount
cooler beer?
Very un-city-lady of you.
So now you give me credit.
Finally.
[ Sighs ]
Tough day?
My lady friends are a lot.
-Spence or Brearley?
-Spence?
[ British accent ]
How very dare you?
[ Normal voice ] Brearley.
Wait, how did you know that?
Oh, I'm from the city.
Shut up!
-What?!
-You shut up.
Wh-Where?
Where are you from?
Wait, no, let me guess,
let me guess,
let me guess.
Okay, okay, okay. Mm...
Lower East Side, artist parents?Unh-unh. No.
Upper West Side,
-journalist parents?
-No.
No? Okay. Uh...
Greenpoint,
Polish bakers?
[ Imitates buzzer ]
-Chelsea, two dads?
-[ Laughing ] No.
Where are you from?Hey, dude,
why didn't you bid on me?
Only one chick
dressed like Shrek bid on me.
-It was humiliating.
-I'm sorry, man.
But I'm sure that you're gonna
make a very handsome couple.
-[ Laughs ]
-Well...
You r-really
hurt me today.
Oh, man, he is
a delicate flower.
Your friends
are a handful, too.
Ah,
he's just showing off.
He likes to prove
he has feelings.
-Hey, you want another beer?
-Uh-huh.
The more discount,
the better.
I miss you
in the hot tub, baby.
Hot tub?
Who's got a hot tub?
It's hitched
to Helen's bus.
I heard she bought it
off the tour manager
for Country-Palooza.
Your mom must be hella rich.
[ Laughter, cheering
in distance ]
Okay, new rule, guys.
You can only soak in the Jacuzzi
if you're butt-ass naked.
-Cool.
-Ohh, about to get so naked.
[ Both laughing ]
Indeed. Very cool.
Yeah, that's all on you.
That's you. Okay.
David: Damn, that's a lot
of man titties.
-That's cool.
-Whoo!
[ All cheering, laughing ]
Helen:
Are you farting?
-Wine?
-God, yes.
Can't go wring with
a Willamette Valley Pinot.
[ Helen speaking indistinctly
in distance ]
-Thank you.
-Mm-hmm. Ah.
[ Glasses clink ]
Mmm.
What brings Shakespeare
down to the Groundlings
-without his Royal --
-Do not say hag.
-Not nice.
-I was gonna say therapy dog.
She's passed out.
Got absolutely wasted
on the Pub Crawl today.
Oh, wow. That's --
That's kind of amazing.
She was not very helpful
to me today
as a friend.
You okay?
-There's a guy.
-Mm?
Juan Andrés.
And I like him.
Mm. You guys would be
great together.
What's the game plan?
-The game plan?
-Yeah, what's next steps?
Well, I made a fool of myself
in front of him twice today,
so I think my next step
is to dig a hole
and go to sleep in it.
Oh, come on.
It can't be that bad.
I fear that it really,
really was.
Oh.
♪♪
Then you got to
go fix it. Mm?
-Now?
-Yes, now.
We get so caught up
in our own limitations,
how we think
we're supposed to be,
how people want us to be,
but this place is teaching me
to live in the now.
You got to be present.
-Be in the now.
-Yeah.
-Yes!
-Yes!
You got to go get him!
-Yes!
-Yes. Go ask him out!
Wow.
Right.
-Okay. Okay.
-Uh-huh.
[ Laughs ]
-Go!
-Wish me luck.
G-Go get yours, Tiger.
♪♪
[ Sighs ]
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Hi, there.
Hello, Juan Andrés.
I just came by to tell you
that I'm really very sorry
about today,
and that the reason I was
acting like such a jackass
is that I, uh --
I'd like to...
be your friend.
Would you maybe
like to be my friend
and hang out
with me sometime?
I'm watching
"Seven Samurai."
Want to join?
Yes.
Sure.
I -- Right now?
-Yes. Now.
-Okay. Yeah, I'm -- I'm free.
Yeah.
Here you go.
Oh. [ Chuckles ]
Okay.
Such a classic.
Sucha classic.
I love classics.
Toshiro Mifune. I like him
even better in "Rashomon."
-Oh, yes.
-Yeah.
Yes.
Actually, I've
never seen either.
Are they, uh, good?
[ Chuckles ]
[ Chuckles ]
So good.
Akira Kurosawa?
You'd dig him.
"Throne of Blood"
owes a ton to "Macbeth,"
and "Ran" is "King Lear,"
beat for beat.
"King Lear's" my favorite.
I'd do it at the faire, but it's
not exactly a crowd pleaser.
-Mm.
-If I had a nickel
for every time
I had to perform,
"But soft, what light
through yonder window breaks?"
"Romeo, Romeo,
wherefore art thou Romeo?"
[ Both laugh ]
Of course, they all
think that means,
"Where are you, Romeo?"
when it really means...
-Why are you Romeo?
-Why are you Romeo?
Brian?
Yes?
I was so nervous
around you today.
[ Chuckles ]
I was nervous around you.
Every time I saw you,
I got all weird and quiet.
I didn't know what to say.
Uh, I made a joke
about Hitler.
I mean, you kind of actually
called meHitler.
[ Both laugh ]
Well, I'm really happy
that we're friends now.
I have enough friends.
♪♪
[ Horse snorting ]
♪♪
-Hey.
-Hey.
[ Grunts, sighs ]
[ Rooster crows ]
[ Smooches ]
That's right.
So, I'm gonna go?
Whatever.
No pressure.
[ Horse snorts ]
Yeah.
No pressure.
Living in the now.
Hey, Ananda?
It's Amanda.
Nice fucking.
Yeah. Nice fucking.
Ooh.
♪♪
Ooh.
♪♪
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ Cellphone ringing ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Cellphone beeps ]
Mom, I know what you did.
How could you send my friends?
Seriously?
Nice one.
Amanda, it's Erin.
Mom O.D.'d.
Get your ass home.
♪♪
O0 C1♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
on "American Princess"...
We like our peripheral employees
to stay consistent
with proper Elizabethan
as best they can.
Huzzah for the tipper.
We'll work on it.
[ Women shrieking ]Miss you, bitch.
-How's rehab?
-Lexi, she's not in rehab.
That's just what we're saying.It's not Amanda's fault
that that hooker bit off
her own tongue.Erin: It might be.
Helen: [ Lisping ]
I know you think I'm here
to stab you to death,
but the truth is, Amanda,
we're square.
My mom paid you off.
Now I can travel the circuit
in a tour bus.
♪♪
[ Indistinct conversations ]
♪♪
Areola:
Huzzah for the tipper!
-Huzzah!
-Huzzah!
♪ Huzzah for the tipper
It needs work.
[ Sighs ]
[ Dignified British accent ]
Blanchett, Cate Blanchett. No.
[ Rough Cockney accent ]
Cate Blanchett.
Pray thee.
Pray -- Pray thee.
Pray thee.
Pray thee tell.
[ Sighing ] Oh.
Huzzah for the titties.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
-[ Gasps ] Oh!
-Good morrow, dear cuz!
-[ Sighs ]
-Whoo! Oh, whoa. What's that?
This is for Cyril.
Cyril, I made you
a scoby-thingy,
and the kombucha
is turning out great.
I'd like to think it's because
I fermented it in the sun
and not in horse shit.
-Thanks?
-You're welcome.
And this is pineapple juice,
for your cough.
I know it was a little better
last night,
but the natural bromelain in it
will nip it in the bud, I swear.
You've totally embraced
the spirit of faire-mily!
But I don't have a cough.
Yes, you do.
You were up the last two nights.[ Boy coughs ]
That was Lil Boy.
Wh-What?
This little boy slept
in our room last night?
-Where else would he sleep?
-With his parents?
[ Laughing ]
I'm his parents!
-You have a kid?
-You knew about him.
I really truly
very much did not.
Really?
Well, this is Lil Boy.
Yes, I can see
that he's a little boy.
No, that's his name.
Lil Boy.
Until he's old enough
to choose his own name.
-Fartbox!
-Okay, not old enough yet.
Why don't you check the fridge
for Mommy?
This isn't quite cold enough.
He's been sleeping in our room
this whole time?
Sometimes. Lulu home-schools
the faire brats,
so a lot of times,
he crashes with her kids.
Wait, hive parenting.
I read about this
in Vanity Fair,I think.
Or a Buzzfeed listicle.
Lil Boy: One of the gasket
retainer screws is loose.
I need Lee's
Allen wrench.
-Okay.
-He does seem skilled.
Certainly better
here with me
than back home
with my crazy parents.
Your parents are strict,
too, huh?
My mom made me
take French andMandarin.
Mercifor nothing,
Chairman Mao.
Evangelical Christians.
I wasn't even allowed to read
"The Giving Tree"
when I was a kid, because
"If it can give you an apple,
it can touch you
in your bathing suit area."
Wow. Yeah, this is a much better
place for him. And you.
And all of us!
-Boobs look great.
-Thanks, babe.
It'll hold like this
for a bit,
but the gasket
needs to be replaced.
Will do.
Thanks, kiddo.
All right.
Three Wet-Naps, two matchbooks,
and some toothpicks.
Pleasure doing business
with you.
-You, too, Fartbox.
-Unh-unh. Not Fartbox.
Good advice, man. Adding more
plant-based proteins to my diet.
And I'll keep in mind
the spirit of the turkey.
[ Both laugh ]
You coming around, baby.
Ah. The showers
are all taken?
[ Water running ]
Yep.
Hey!
Same body wash.
Got to love
that Mountain Mist.
Great minds.
Then again, we do differ
in our choices
of toothpaste flavor.
What kind of person
uses wintergreen?
[ Chuckles ]
What can I say?
I'm a wintergreen guy.
Well, I also heard
that wintergreen
was the flavor...
used by Hitler.
♪♪
[ Clears throat ]
♪♪
[ Muttering indistinctly ]
[ Ethereal new-age
music playing ]
Good morrow,
Your Majesty.
You're late.
You missed
the Stanislavski warm-up.
Jumping right into mirror.
Thank you, mirror.
♪♪
Apologies for being late,
but I just had
a rather
awkward incident.
I ran into Juan Andrés,
you know,
the man I sort of like,
in the restroom.
We were in line for the showers.
I, you know, thought
I'd strike up a conversation,
but it went poorly.
Five, six, seven, eight.
I made a very bad joke...
about Hitler.
-Zip.
-Zap.
-Zop.
-Zip.
-Zap.
-Zop.
I'm sure it was fine.
And lift.
-And scene.
-And scene.
♪♪
How do I show him
that I like him?
Invite him over
for a Hefeweizen
and a light chapter
of "Mein Kampf."
[ Chuckles ]
Really, Maggie,
I need your help.
Oh, good God,
you're obsessed.
What's his profession?
Janitor?
He sells handmade wares.
Then show an interest
in his art or something.
What time is it, anyway?
I need to Nair my widow's peak
before breakfast.
I'm starting to look like
Count Chocula.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
All right, everybody, listen up.
We got a couple things
on the agenda.
There will be no more
25% employee discount
on meals purchased on
the grounds during Faire Days.What?
Lee!
What?
Boo.
Ticket sales dropped
opening weekend.
We got to pick up the slack.
So eat less,
and it won't affect you.
I can survive on a cup
of raw spinach a day.
Okay, moving on.
Uh, the Queen's Royal Tea
will now become
the Queen's Royal Pub Crawl.
Woman: Oh!Profit margins
are higher with booze.
And, uh, Callie, no more
nip slips at the joust.
We had some complaints
from the parents.
Actually, no, just the moms.
The dads were fine with it.
Free the nipple!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Nips!
No more moms!
All right, let's take
this energy outside
and show these people
what the faire is about.
Now, how about three cheers
for the faire?
-Hip hip...
-Huzzah.
-Hip hip...
-Huzzah.
-Hip hip...
-Huzzah!
Come on, guys!
Let's do it!
-Come on, come on, get up.
-Yeah!
-All right, everybody.
-Let's go, freaks!
Man:
All right, everybody,
let's go out there
and make some money!
-[ Clears throat ]
-Oh, God.
-Yes, Maggie?
-The Queen's Tea is a tradition.
I've led it every Faire Day
here since taking on
-the role of Elizabeth.
-Uh-huh.
The little girls sit
and converse with the Queen.
It is vital to show them
how upper-class women behave.
I'm sorry, but we got to pick up
cash wherever we can find it.
I will not besmirch the legacy
of the great Queen
simply to put a couple
of extra shekels in your pocket.
I figured you'd say that,
so I am prepared.
"It is said
that Elizabeth I
drank at least two pints
of ale every day.
In 1593, the royal household
went through
approximately
600,000 gallons of ale,"
signed the Internet.
The Queen drank beer, yes,
but in the refined company
of her ladies-in-waiting.
She never rubbed elbows
with drunken bachelor parties,
nor hairy men
in ironic t-shirts.
Your ladies-in-waiting
will be there with you,
so it will be completely
historically accurate.
Just think of it like
a royal girls' night out.
I don't believe
in girlfriends.
Bitches be haters.
All done?
Why, thank thee, fine sir.
Woman: I should get
a dress like that, right?
Your pitcher, m'lords.
Thank you, m'lady.
A tip for you.
Just the tip?
Frankly, sir,
I'd prefer the whole hog.
-[ Laughs ]
-Oh!
-Hey, Amanda.
-No more free beer, Friar.
-Lee would have my head.
-I'm not here for the booze.
Ophelia, the empty kegs
got to move.
On it. Friar!
-Listen, can you do me a favor?
-Is it sexual?
Because geriatric alcoholics
aren't really my type.
No, no, no, what? Listen,
Natasha usually does my show
at 4:00, but she -- she got
a ribbon burn on the May pole,
and now she needs
to ice her palms.
-So can you fill in?
-Okay, okay, fine, I'll do it.
-Oh, thank you. Thank you.
-If you move, please.
All right. Thanks.
Oh, nice muscles.
Duh. I'm in wedding shape,
which is scientifically proven
to be the hottest moment
of any woman's life.
SoulCycle and kettle bells.
Plus, I cut out grains.
Such a city lady.
-Hey!
-Uh, you are.
It's okay, but you are.
Hmm. Well, could a city lady
do this?
I can smell your French disease
from here.
Back across the channel
with you, pagans!
Hey! Oh, fie, Puritan!
Go jack your beanstalk
onto a communion wafer.
-[ Chuckles ]
-It'll release some frustration.
You know, the high fives were
a little bit anachronistic,
but, I mean,
you're getting there.
You'll blend in,
eventually.
I'm blending in
just fine.
♪♪
All done? Aye.
Patrons, pay attention,
for this man has given me
what every woman desires --
multiples!
[ Laughter ]
Huzzah for the tipper!
-Huzzah!
-Huzzah!
[ Laughter fades ]
♪ Yo, clock in
when the mood strikes ♪
♪ I do what a boss likes,
slowpokes, they look twice ♪
♪ Cold...I'm a Klondike...boys
get curved tough ♪
No. Way.
♪ When a girl gang,
gang roll up ♪
♪ Make a beeline
for the green room ♪
♪ I get money to show up
♪ Break, break, break, break
Ugh.
-Ew.
-Ew.
Ew.
Oh, my God.
Hi!Hi!
Hi!Hi!
Wow.You guys!
This.
What are you doing here?
We came
to check on you, babe.
Nick: I mean, did you think
we forgot about you?
Oh, kind of.
-No.
-You guys!
Uh, c-come sit down?
-Yeah. Let's go.
-Okay.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Two secs, you guys.
I am dying to catch up.
Yeah. Okay. What in the dorky
hell has gotten into her?
It's like she's been kidnapped
by those drum circle
mole people
in Union Square.
-Uh-huh.
-Those titties, though.
Yes, girl,
those titties.
Lexi, can you actually
stop calling me "girl"?
It's starting
to feel minimizing.
Oh, my God. I would never,
ever want you to feel that.
-I'm so sorry.
-It's okay. It's okay.
I'm mean,
I'm just really grateful
that I could share
my truth with you.
-Love you, bitch.
-Love you, too, bitch. Mwah.
-Sangria. On me.
-Ooh. Thanks, sweetie.
So, is this, like,
your jobjob, or...?
I mean, it's part of it.
Basically, we're all
sort of performers
in a larger production.
We all live communally,
so it's kind of like a kibbutz.
It seems more like
Rajneeshpuram.
-Yeah.
-Ma Anand Sheela
-is a feminist icon.
-Tea.
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
-Yes!
-Cheers.
Oh, no.
So, what's news
with you guys?
Um, well,
Nick hit 10k on Instagram.
And Rachel Zoe
retweeted me.
Yeah, and Lexi's
on a new antidepressant.Yay!
So, and then, with me, you know,
work is work, same thing.
80 hours a week, Postmates for
every meal,
totally worth it.
-That's amazing, you guys.
-Yeah.
God, you look so cute,
by the way, Amanda.
I mean, you are really serving,
like, pure Coachella realness.
-Yeah, you do.
-Honestly, you guys,
I feel amazing.
♪♪
Wow.
[ Chuckles ]
It's just such a shock
seeing you here.
Faire virgins. I hope your first
time doesn't hurt too much.
Hon, look,
we're not here to judge.
I mean, with everything
you've been through,
it makes sense
that you would run off
and do something...different,
um, as you recover
from the stress.
-And humiliation.
-Yeah.
Lexi:
And we're also here to check
that you aren't
totally mentally ill.
Lexi, that was car talk.
-We told you.
-Like four times.
[ Laughs ]
Sorry. It's the new meds.
Oh, my God.
Tankards and flagons
and jugs for sale.
You won't find a better
pair of jugs, milady.
And make sure
you tell your friends.
Fill it to the top with mead,
and you'll need
a carriage ride home!
Well met, Juan Andrés.
Uh, hi.
Come, get your flagons!
My, what beautiful wares.
What are these made of?
Cow horns.
Makes sense.
Aah.
Flagons, tankards, milady.
Oh!
And pray tell,
what about
this, uh, gorgeous
suede-like canteen?
Suede.
Suede?
Suede.
-Milady.
-Milord.
Tankards and flagons
and jugs for sale!
Oh, this --
Now, this is so lovely.
I can imagine pouring myself
a Montepulciano
or some other Old World red
in one of these.
Are you, mayhaps,
also a wine-drink--
[ Ceramic shatters ]Oh.
Oh, fie.
I-I-I am so sorry.
I-I will pay
for all of these.
It's okay.
I make these myself,
so it's just lost time.
You make all these
ceramic mugs yourself?
Out of...
Clay.
Clay.
Welcome, my countrymen,
to the Queen's...Pub Crawl.
As you toast the monarchy,
you may approach
and ask any questions you'd like
about our daily lives
in the court.
Is it true you guys, like,
never took showers?
Did the Queen have to poop
in a bucket?[ Laughter ]
Please, let us keep
the questions
related to
our courtly life.
For instance, can you guess
how many ladies-in-waiting
I did host
in my time as queen?
-69!
-69!
[ Laughter ]
Ah, hear ye, hear ye.
Uh, the Queen commands that
whomever can consume their beer
with the most haste
shall be made lady-in-waiting
-for the day.
-Wow.
And you can be a guy.
Or however you may identify.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yes, what a civilized idea.
On my count, drink.
One, two, three.
-Yeah!
-Yes!
-Oh!
-Whoo-hoo!
I suppose I must declare a tie
between these two, um,
spirited wenches.
-Um, please, join my court.
-Yes!
-Sweet!
-And as our first duty
on the Queen's court,
we're doing shots.
[ Cheers and applause ]
No, no, no, I shan't.
Chug it, your horniness.
-Chug it, your horniness.
-Chug it, your horniness.
All: [ Chanting ]
Chug it, your horniness.
The Queen drank.
And shots cost extra.
Come on.
What would Daniel Day-Lewis do?
He'd retire.
-Chug it, your horniness!
-Chug it, your horniness!
Chug it, your horniness!Chug it, your horniness!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
O0 C1Nick: I feel like this is
my new summer drink.What is this?ome more.
Lexi: Morgan.It's honestly, like, disgusting.
-Oh, my God.
-It's di-- Uh --
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Okay, who are those
shiny people?
They're my friends
from home.
Oh, my gosh! Fun! I'll go
spray 'em with bubble water.
No!
They're not
those kind of people.
-I'm actually really nervous?
-How come?
It's the whole
mixing-worlds thing.
You know when you introduce
your yoga friends
to your Pilates friends,
and the vibe
is just super different?
[ Sighs ]
I need
for them to like it.
Oh, they're like you were
three weeks ago --
a newborn baby possum,
blind and small-headed.
But then you grew up to be
a warm, smushy,
sighted
woodland creature.
This pertains how?
Show them the faire
through your eyes.
Then they'll be sold.
I vote more alcohol.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Good idea.
Yeah.
I feel like we've been here
for 500 hours.
-More sangria?
-[ Gasps ] Yes, please.
-Yes, Mom.
-Fun, right?
I mean, yeah, if by "fun,"
you mean super offensive.
-Thank you.
-What is with all
the horny nerd humor?
It's like, I feel like
the only girl in, like,
a Fortnite chat room.
Oh, come on. It's 1585.
Things were different
back then.
Um, well,
but it's not back then.
It's now pretending
to be back then.
Actually, it's a super
empowering place for women.
It's super inclusive and
non-judgey and body positive.
-Like the Trevor Project.
-No.
Fine wenches,
you all look delicious.
I wish I could give each of you
a long, steady ride
on my horse.
-A rose, milady?
-From you? God, no.
I'd literally rather get a rose
from Arie Luyendyk --
All: The most hated Bachelor
of all time.
[ Lively folk music playing
in distance ]
-But you should take --
-I'll take a flower, sir.
♪♪
[ All gasp ]
Oh!
[ All muttering indistinctly ]
♪♪
[ All gasp ]
Morgan: Ugh.
Meet me at the joust
at 2:00 and 30.
I'll ride for thine honor.
[ Music stops,
applause in distance ]
[ Nick whispers indistinctly ]
Lexi:
It's so hot. [ Sighs ]
Lexi, what just
happened to me?
Amanda, you were
just assaulted.
Totally.
I feel triggered.
I'm fine.
Like I said,
things are different here.
There's a familiar vibe
between performers.
He just made out with your neck.
Do you even know him?
Yeah, I've seen him around.
He's like a jouster.
Like from "A Knight's Tale"?
Heath Ledger
-was my sexual awakening.
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God. Me, too.
-Hashtag "MeToo."
Stop it!
That is not a joke!
Ow.
[ Snickering ]
Amanda, this is
your workplace, okay?
You need to stand up
for consent.
Okay, okay, fine,
but can we just take a beat
and appreciate this faire?
It's super fun, I swear.
Hmm.
[ Singsong voice ]
There's shopping!
-[ Gasps ] Yes!
-Okay. Grab my drink.
Okay, can you put it up?
-Like here?
-'Cause that's not a good angle.
-Yeah.
-Like that?
Woman: Huzzah!
♪♪
[ Retches ]
I'm sorry to be, like,
that person,
but do they have anything
that's paleo here?
Cucumber mint water?
What about turkey legs?
Yes, bitch. Pure lean protein.
Thank you.
[ Clears throat ]
Who's a city lady?
♪♪
Man: Take dead aim!
Try your luck.
♪♪
I see you, Legolas!
Whew. Orlando Bloom wishes
he looked this good.
Tankards and flagons!
Show me your jugs,
-and I'll show you mine.
-Seriously?
Would it hurt you to trynot
to commodify women's bodies?
[ Laughing ]
It's fine.
♪♪
[ Giggles ]
-Yes!
-You. Guys.
-This --
-Mean.
-Much.
-It's you. Literally you.
Do you guys take
AmEx black?
[ Lisping ]
You bet your ass they do.
[ Indistinct conversations
in distance ]
-Who was that?
-No one.
No one.
Wait, wait,
you have to try this on.Yes.
This faire is full of debauchery
and disgusting behavior!
Oh, my God.
Thank you. Yes.
The wanton whores should be
drawn and quartered,
lest they corrupt young men
-seeking virgin wives.
-Oh, wait.
No. Women are -- are not
property.
-You're missing it. You're --
-A woman's value
lies in her maidenhead.
Disgusting!
Ooh, aye! Here's a bunch
of filthy peasants!
Aye! Come back to the washer
wench show at 3:00 and 30,
where getting clean
never felt so dirty.
-[ Grunts, hums ]
-I'm sorry.
Did you guys just call
yourselves "washer wenches"?
A wench be
a working girl.
-Aye, aye.
-Okay, but don't you think
you could have come up
with, like, a more woke name
-than that?
-More woke?
"Woke" being
a culturally black term
recently appropriated
by mainstream America?
Just want to make sure I'm
hearing you correctly...Becky.
Uh --
Hello? Oh, yeah.
I'm so sorry about her
and her Becky-ism.
Nay, nay,
good mistress Ophelia!
Have thee a pleasant day!
-Mm!
-Aye.
O0 C1[ [ Slurring ]ng,
Oh, actually, actually,
I did sleep with many men
out of wedlock.
Lord Chancellor
Christopher Hatton,
the second Earl of Essex
Robert Devereux,
Sir Walter Raleigh.
Oh, you are such
a whore, you!
You --
[ All shrieking, laughing ]
Cheers to the Queen
and her breast friends!
[ All cheering ]
Oh.
I suppose you are
my best lady friends.
Barkeep, can I have
another, please?
And one
for my dear friend...
♪♪
Who are you?
-I'm Alicia.
-Mm?
We've worked together
for three summers.
Alicia, you must tell me
everything about yourself.
Are you, as I suspect,
from a troubled home?
You have such sad eyes.
♪♪
♪ What do you do
with a drunken sailor? ♪
♪ What do you do
with a drunken sailor? ♪
♪ What do you do with a drunken
sailor earlye in the mornin'? ♪
Oh. Mug him in the subway
and take his Guccis!
♪ Mug him in the subway
and take his Guccis ♪
♪ Mug him in the subway
and take his Guccis ♪
♪ Mug him in the subway
and take his Guccis ♪
♪ Earlye in the morning
I have one!
Aw, man, I forgot.
♪ Aw, man, she forgot,
aw, man, she forgot ♪
♪ Aw, man, she forgot
earlye in the mornin' ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
I mean, look, I'm --
I'll say it -- issa bop.
[ Laughter ]
Amanda, Amanda, look,
there's your assaulter.
Oh, Morgan,
he didn't assault me.
Oh, really? So you're just
not gonna confront him
about his toxic behavior?
Okay, no, yeah, no.
I just, you know --
I thought you were
a feminist, Amanda.
Hey.
Um, sir, uh, Jouster.
-Hi. Um, so...
-Hi.
I think that we need to define
some workplace boundaries.
When you kissed me earlier,
I have to acknowledge
that it wasn't something that
I technically consented to.
Uh, I didn't
tell you to stop,
but I didn't
joyfully consent.
Not that I'm saying
you're the Cat Person
from that New Yorkerpiece.
You are so not the Cat Person.
-I'm actually attracted to you.
-Nice.
-Not that that's relevant.
-It's not.
Anyway...
I hope that makes sense.
Do you need any
clarification?
No. [ Chuckles ]
I don't have any allergies.
Listen, I got to go
brush my horse.
But we should
hook up sometime.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Amanda. Amanda.
-Huh?
-Hi.
-Oh.
-Me? Yeah. I'm genuinely worried
about your safety here, okay?
This is like one giant
pussy-grabbing party.
Morgan, you don't have to worry.Okay, but it's not just about
the aggrosexual jouster,
all right?
It's this whole culture.
Like, women
are objects here.
-Amanda! Amanda, you're up.
-Yes?
-Oh, right, right, right.
-Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Listen, this is an amazing place
for women to feel empowered.
I swear we're not
just objects here.
Wench auction!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Gentlemen and
not so gentle ladies,
we have some fine wenches
to be auctioned to you today.
And you can pay fair price...
or not![ Laughter ]
I'll start the bidding.
No.
With this lovely woman
in the queer attire.
Bid it up, boys.[ Men cheering ]
Now, can I start this bidding
at one plague rat?
Man:
Aye! One plague rat.
10 dead penguins.
A sickly sheep!
10 bales of hay!
I bid my ex-wife!
[ Laughter ]
-That might be it!
-Two yards of wool
-and a young lamb.
-Sold!
To the gentleman with
questionable motives.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Ah, they're made
for each other.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Huzzah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Next up, the faire's own
dirty pub wench,
Ophelia Feelsgood!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Come on, Ophelia!
-Whoo!
Shut up.
I'm so glad to be participating
in this event,
because I love
participating in events
where women
support other women.
Show us your tits!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yo, band nerds,
drop a beat.
[ Lively folk music playing ]
-What's happening?
-Women supporting women?
Huh? Whoa.
[ Screaming ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Whoo!
-Oh.
-Yas!
Whoo!
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, folks, that surely
is worth a bid.
I bid a shepherd's pie
and my ax!
Only?
[ Lisping ]
My ovaries.
A grande
iced mochachino!
A bucket of dead skin!
Thick stick!
A dozen sheep!
Some of 'em with four legs.
You can do better than that,
Pizzle.
And tat for two
from Zabar's.
-Ooh.
-Stick.
A castle in France!
Okay, we're done. Come on.[ Cheers and applause ]
Sold!
[ Laughs ]
Let's go.You're taking this
too seriously, Morgan.
Oh, really? You were just
mock-sold for sex. Okay?
So, you're welcome, B-T-dubs,
for making it stop.
Obviously,
it was just for fun.
Well, what if a bunch
of little girls saw you?
What kind of message
are you sending?
Maybe if little girls
saw me,
they would see that it isn't
negative to be sexual.
There's a difference
between being sexual
and being sexualized.
Fair maiden, you were
positively fantastic.
We always present this
to our favorite at the auction.
-Uh-oh.
-And you were far and away
the --
drumroll, please --
[ Both imitate drumroll ]
-Wenchiest Wench!
-Wenchiest Wench!
Oh.[ Both imitating fanfare ]
Oh, no. Oh, wow.
[ Both continue
imitating fanfare ]
[ Sighs ]
Guys.
[ Chuckles ]
Thank you so much.
[ Chuckles ]
You're not really gonna
wear that thing.
Oh, Morgan,
can you just relax?
"Just relax"? [ Scoffs ]
Wow. What a privileged concept.
Yeah, I wish
I could just relax,
but unlike your horny,
little fantasy camp,
the real world has consequences
for sexual harassment.
Morgan's in the middle of
a lawsuit against her ex-boss.
Yeah, he groped her.
A lot.
Oh, my God.
Morgan, I'm -- I'm so sorry.
-I had no idea.
-Exactly.
Exactly. You have no idea
what anyoneis going through,
yet you're 100% convinced
that all of this objectification
and toxic masculinity
is just for fun, okay?
So, yeah, go win Wenchiest Wench
for the patriarchy.
-Or for losers like them.
-Hey!
What? They are part of
the problem. Everyone here is.
People like them,
anyone who comes here,
can say what works
and what doesn't.
I'm sorry
it's upsetting to you.
And I'm sorry about what
you're going through, truly.
But you can't take it out
on good, kind people
like Bo and Jenny,
who are trying to just get away
from the real world
and find someplace where
they feel like they can belong.
So...
If you don't like it here,
then you should just leave.
[ Scoffs ]
I don't even know
who you are right now.
God. What the hell am I gonna
tell your mother?
Why do you have
to tell her anything?
-Did she send you here?
-It's -- She -- I --
Would you guys have even
come if she hadn't?
-Yes.
-Of course we would have.
-She lent us her 'Cedes.
-Oh, stop it.
♪♪
Listen, I --
I love you, Amanda.
I do.
I really do, okay?
But this?
I can't.
-Hello?
-Okay.
Look, you should totally
bone that jouster.
And if he's good,
just give him my number.
-Mm-hmm.
-He reads bi.
[ Chuckles ]
I like dressing slutty.
Love you, Amanda.
[ Man shouting
indistinctly in distance ]
[ Cheers and applause
in distance ]
♪♪
O0 C1
[ Muttering indistinctly ]
[ Sobs ]
Should I text him?
I should text him, right?
Actually, I think it's time
to move on.
Oh, how wise.
It is time to move on.
No, it's time
for usto move on
to the next stop
on the Pub Crawl.
We paid 60 bucks
for this.
-Fine.
-Bye.
Fair thee well.
Rest you merry.
Mm...
Oh, whoa, whoa,
whoa, okay.
I think you've had enough,
Your Highness. Let's trade.
Ah, Lee.
Lee, Lee.
What is this life, huh?
You and me know the truth,
right?
What's that, Maggie?
The truth is
that we're all alone.
We'll always be alone.
God is dead.
-Uh...
-Mm?
Maggie...
...I love you.
Truly.
I've always thought
you were beautiful and dark
and deliciously
complicated.
And hearing
that you're lonely like me
just makes me
love you more.
I think you're
the perfect woman.
And you're drunk right now,
so I don't want this
to get all rapey, but...
I wish
you were my girlfriend.
[ Vomiting ]
Oh!
-[ Mutters indistinctly ]
-Is she okay?
Yeah, just very,
very drunk.
I have to go
numbers 1, 2, and 3.
-I'll take her from here.
-Yep.
-Do I look pretty?
-Yes, dear.
Would you believe me
if I told you I was in my 30s?
-Yes, dear.
-Do you think Daniel Day-Lewis
wore his Lincoln hat
while he slept and showered?
Yes, dear.
You're my best friend.
Yep.
♪♪
[ Guitar tuning ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
I know, I know --
I'm drinking again.
But if you would refrain from
mentioning anything about that,
that would be
very much appreciated.
Actually, I was going to say
I'm impressed.
Drinking discount
cooler beer?
Very un-city-lady of you.
So now you give me credit.
Finally.
[ Sighs ]
Tough day?
My lady friends are a lot.
-Spence or Brearley?
-Spence?
[ British accent ]
How very dare you?
[ Normal voice ] Brearley.
Wait, how did you know that?
Oh, I'm from the city.
Shut up!
-What?!
-You shut up.
Wh-Where?
Where are you from?
Wait, no, let me guess,
let me guess,
let me guess.
Okay, okay, okay. Mm...
Lower East Side, artist parents?Unh-unh. No.
Upper West Side,
-journalist parents?
-No.
No? Okay. Uh...
Greenpoint,
Polish bakers?
[ Imitates buzzer ]
-Chelsea, two dads?
-[ Laughing ] No.
Where are you from?Hey, dude,
why didn't you bid on me?
Only one chick
dressed like Shrek bid on me.
-It was humiliating.
-I'm sorry, man.
But I'm sure that you're gonna
make a very handsome couple.
-[ Laughs ]
-Well...
You r-really
hurt me today.
Oh, man, he is
a delicate flower.
Your friends
are a handful, too.
Ah,
he's just showing off.
He likes to prove
he has feelings.
-Hey, you want another beer?
-Uh-huh.
The more discount,
the better.
I miss you
in the hot tub, baby.
Hot tub?
Who's got a hot tub?
It's hitched
to Helen's bus.
I heard she bought it
off the tour manager
for Country-Palooza.
Your mom must be hella rich.
[ Laughter, cheering
in distance ]
Okay, new rule, guys.
You can only soak in the Jacuzzi
if you're butt-ass naked.
-Cool.
-Ohh, about to get so naked.
[ Both laughing ]
Indeed. Very cool.
Yeah, that's all on you.
That's you. Okay.
David: Damn, that's a lot
of man titties.
-That's cool.
-Whoo!
[ All cheering, laughing ]
Helen:
Are you farting?
-Wine?
-God, yes.
Can't go wring with
a Willamette Valley Pinot.
[ Helen speaking indistinctly
in distance ]
-Thank you.
-Mm-hmm. Ah.
[ Glasses clink ]
Mmm.
What brings Shakespeare
down to the Groundlings
-without his Royal --
-Do not say hag.
-Not nice.
-I was gonna say therapy dog.
She's passed out.
Got absolutely wasted
on the Pub Crawl today.
Oh, wow. That's --
That's kind of amazing.
She was not very helpful
to me today
as a friend.
You okay?
-There's a guy.
-Mm?
Juan Andrés.
And I like him.
Mm. You guys would be
great together.
What's the game plan?
-The game plan?
-Yeah, what's next steps?
Well, I made a fool of myself
in front of him twice today,
so I think my next step
is to dig a hole
and go to sleep in it.
Oh, come on.
It can't be that bad.
I fear that it really,
really was.
Oh.
♪♪
Then you got to
go fix it. Mm?
-Now?
-Yes, now.
We get so caught up
in our own limitations,
how we think
we're supposed to be,
how people want us to be,
but this place is teaching me
to live in the now.
You got to be present.
-Be in the now.
-Yeah.
-Yes!
-Yes!
You got to go get him!
-Yes!
-Yes. Go ask him out!
Wow.
Right.
-Okay. Okay.
-Uh-huh.
[ Laughs ]
-Go!
-Wish me luck.
G-Go get yours, Tiger.
♪♪
[ Sighs ]
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Hi, there.
Hello, Juan Andrés.
I just came by to tell you
that I'm really very sorry
about today,
and that the reason I was
acting like such a jackass
is that I, uh --
I'd like to...
be your friend.
Would you maybe
like to be my friend
and hang out
with me sometime?
I'm watching
"Seven Samurai."
Want to join?
Yes.
Sure.
I -- Right now?
-Yes. Now.
-Okay. Yeah, I'm -- I'm free.
Yeah.
Here you go.
Oh. [ Chuckles ]
Okay.
Such a classic.
Sucha classic.
I love classics.
Toshiro Mifune. I like him
even better in "Rashomon."
-Oh, yes.
-Yeah.
Yes.
Actually, I've
never seen either.
Are they, uh, good?
[ Chuckles ]
[ Chuckles ]
So good.
Akira Kurosawa?
You'd dig him.
"Throne of Blood"
owes a ton to "Macbeth,"
and "Ran" is "King Lear,"
beat for beat.
"King Lear's" my favorite.
I'd do it at the faire, but it's
not exactly a crowd pleaser.
-Mm.
-If I had a nickel
for every time
I had to perform,
"But soft, what light
through yonder window breaks?"
"Romeo, Romeo,
wherefore art thou Romeo?"
[ Both laugh ]
Of course, they all
think that means,
"Where are you, Romeo?"
when it really means...
-Why are you Romeo?
-Why are you Romeo?
Brian?
Yes?
I was so nervous
around you today.
[ Chuckles ]
I was nervous around you.
Every time I saw you,
I got all weird and quiet.
I didn't know what to say.
Uh, I made a joke
about Hitler.
I mean, you kind of actually
called meHitler.
[ Both laugh ]
Well, I'm really happy
that we're friends now.
I have enough friends.
♪♪
[ Horse snorting ]
♪♪
-Hey.
-Hey.
[ Grunts, sighs ]
[ Rooster crows ]
[ Smooches ]
That's right.
So, I'm gonna go?
Whatever.
No pressure.
[ Horse snorts ]
Yeah.
No pressure.
Living in the now.
Hey, Ananda?
It's Amanda.
Nice fucking.
Yeah. Nice fucking.
Ooh.
♪♪
Ooh.
♪♪
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ Cellphone ringing ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Cellphone beeps ]
Mom, I know what you did.
How could you send my friends?
Seriously?
Nice one.
Amanda, it's Erin.
Mom O.D.'d.
Get your ass home.
♪♪
O0 C1♪♪
♪♪
♪♪