American Housewife (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - Hip to Be Square - full transcript

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Allemande left!

Now allemande right!

Now spin your top!

You know those sweet stories
where people say

that they met their husbands
in grade school?

That's not this,
right?

Anna‐Kat,
what is Franklin doing?

He's just practicing.

They're offering square dancing
in gym this unit.

This could be my first ever "A"
in PE.

Actually, it's gonna be
your 53rd "C,"



because we're doing kickball
instead.

Come on, let's do
square dancing together.

You get to see me
in my boots.

Pass.
Square dancing is lame.

If I can't do this...

..then I'm out.

Anna‐Kat, can you come here
a second?

You were a little harsh
with Franklin, don't you think?

Eh, he can handle it.

The kid's
got thick skin.

And that's not just
a saying.

At the doctor's, they have to
use horse needles on him.

Weave the ring
and set the square!

Yee‐haw!



I agree.
That's a lot.

But in a relationship, you have
to make more of an effort.

Do something
that the other one likes.

Ugh.
Okay, fine.

Franklin, I'm in.

But I'm limiting you
to one "yee‐haw"

and one "little lady"
a day.

Yee‐haw!
Sounds good, little lady.

Aw, I shouldn't have
used them both so fast.

Okay, guys, let's go.

We're gonna be late
for school.

It's so funny
when parents give kids advice

that they don't take
themselves.

I know we raised you
to be the independent thinker

and speak your mind,

but that was a mistake.

I'm just saying,
you and Dad don't do anything

the other one likes.

You watch
different TV shows,

you have
different interests.

If you read books,
you'd like different books.

We're fine.
Thank you.

Remember the savings bonds
that Grandpa gave you

- when you were 3?
- Yeah.

I cashed them in
when you were 4.

*AMERICAN HOUSEWIFE*
Season 04 Episode 09

*AMERICAN HOUSEWIFE*
Episode Title : "Hip To Be Square"

♪ A million dreams
is all it's gonna take ♪

♪ A million dreams for the world
we're gonna make ♪

That was amazing, babe.

That was fantastic,
Taylor.

It's from
"The Greatest Showman."

It's a movie
where Wolverine

for some reason
starts a circus.

Thanks, Trip.

Is that what you're singing

for your Carnegie Mellon
audition tape?

Yeah. I just got to film it
and send it in.

This video has to be perfect.

I've never wanted anything
so badly in my life.

Do you need a director?
Because you should know,

I was a filmmaker
back in college.

I still have
my Super 8 camera.

Thanks, Dad. But Trip said
he'd just shoot it on his phone.

Do you really think
you can capture

the grit of the performance
and the depth of emotions

by just pressing a button
on a cellphone?

Sure.

Oh.

You know, I thought being single
was gonna be fun,

but farting whenever you want
loses its appeal after a while.

Why don't you get out there
and meet someone?

Who?
Who am I meeting

that wants to date
a single woman deep in her 30s

with four children?

Uhhh... a prisoner?

My breakup with Richard
came out of nowhere.

But it also kind of didn't.

You know, apparently,
we were drifting apart for years.

Mm.

‐Like how?
‐I don't know.

We were just leading
separate lives.

Wait a minute.

How were you leading
separate lives?

We were two people
living in the same house

with nothing in common.

Oh, no.

That is almost exactly what
Oliver said about me and Greg.

Outside of the kids,

we really don't do anything
together.

We know.

We assumed you knew.

Oh, God.

Should I be worried?

We were.
We assumed you were.

Look, you and Greg have
to find something.

Celeste and I had
different interests.

She wanted to take
a cooking class,

and I wanted to sleep
with other people.

So, should I start going
to his Historical Guild mixers?

- No. No, no, no, no.
- In that case,

you take the divorce.

Couple one go through
that door!

Rip and snort
across the floor!

Kids, if you want to see

what flawless rhythmic
direction‐taking looks like,

its name is Franklin.

Promenade around the floor!

Keep it up
till I call some more!

Oh, you're here!

You made it just in time
for the "California twirl."

You need a bandana?

Nope.
I brought my own.

Wow, you are some kind of woman.

Franklin, Anna‐Kat,
it's called square dancing,

not square talking
amongst yourselves.

That was funny, huh?

Laugh.

Detention.

Now swing your partner
high and low!

Promenade with heel and toe!

Just follow my lead.

Ow, ow.
Ooh, ow.

That's okay.
That's okay.

Now we just walk
in a circle.

Franklin, what's happened?

You're falling apart.

Your do‐si‐dos are starting
to look like do‐si‐don'ts.

- What grade are you in?
- Fourth.

I hope you like it,
'cause you're doing it again.

Yeah, come in.

Hey, Dad.

Remember
how you were, like,

a movie guy or whatever
in college?

I was an auteur,
Taylor.

And I have the beret
to prove it.

No, please.

I'm having some technical
difficulties with Trip.

Rolling, babe.

♪ I close my eyes
and I can see ♪

♪ A world that's waiting up
for me ♪

I can't see anything
with my eyes closed.

Trip!

Ready when you are, babe.

♪ Through the dark ♪

♪ Through the door ♪

♪ Through where no one's
been before ♪

- ♪ But it feels ♪
- Trip!

♪ I don't care, I don't care,
so call me crazy ♪

Who loves his blanket?

Trip!
Luthor loves his blanket!

Okay. I'd be happy
to step in for Trip.

For the first shot,
I'm gonna come around like...‐

No. No shots, no doing that
with your fingers.

Just point and shoot.

Everybody's
got an opinion.

This is why I stayed
out of the business.

All right, Brie.

Get the spare,
and we beat these clowns.

Five pins.
That's a lot of pressure.

Yeah,
a lot of pressure.

So much pressure.

- Should we film it?
- We should totally film it.

Don't listen to them.
You got this.

Damn right I do.

Come on.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Oliver, I think you might have
to give Brie the Heimlich.

Because she choked.

All right, jerks.

Rematch.

Shoot. My dad's outside
to pick us up.

Um, thanks for having us over,
Cooper.

Not everyone has a bowling alley
in their basement.

More people
than you'd think.

No. Not more people
than we think.

I think
I'm gonna do it.

You're
finally launching CooperCoin?

I'm gonna tell Charlotte
I love her.

Absolutely not.

Hey, you don't get a say
in my things.

If you tell Charlotte
you love her,

then I'm gonna have to tell Brie
that I love her.

Why?
Because you and me,

we're in lockstep
with Brie and Charlotte.

We met at the same time,

we had our first date
at the same time,

we had our first kiss
at the same time.

So?

Just tell Brie
you love her, too.

I'm not there yet.

And if I'm not there,
you're not there.

But I am there.

Well, get the
hell out of there!

Amigo, you're killing me.

But okay, I won't say anything
to Charlotte.

And no skywriting it.

Damn it.

Giles, ground the plane.

Greg, is that you?

I'm in your office.

What's all this?

The reason why
our marriage is gonna fall apart.

You met your friends for second
breakfast today, didn't you?

What's going on?

We're leading
separate lives!

Doris and Angela noticed,
Oliver mentioned it,

everyone knows that
we're in trouble except us.

I think
you're overreacting.

Oh, yeah?

These are your interests...

..and these are mine.

They couldn't be
more different.

We have nothing in common.

We've been married
for 18 years.

Of course
we have things in common.

Where, Greg?
Where?

Well, what are Russian
dash cam videos?

I might like those.

Really?
Well, I've never been,

but Russia has a rich
and storied culture.

You're gonna love this.

Oh, I can't wait.
It's in St. Petersburg?

No, I don't know
where that is.

Oh, that's in...

What is that?

Ah. Oh!

That's horrible!

What?!
It's hilarious.

That guy is being chased
by a bear

down the middle
of a highway!

Yeah!

See?

This is what I mean.

Sweetie, we have things
in common.

You're just not
looking at this right.

All we need
is a Venn diagram.

You draw two circles...

and see
where they intersect.

Like you love "wine"...

Which you can get
at a bar...

Mm‐hmm.
What else happens at a bar?

You dance,
you listen to music,

you tell drunk girls
named Meegan

exactly what you think
of them.

Isn't there trivia?

Yes!

Pub trivia!

Totally!

Which is a puzzle
and/or game!

Oh, my God!

Your nerd circles are gonna
save our marriage!

Here we go.

Forward and back, do‐si‐do,

now swing your partner
back to home!

- Oh, sorry.
- Come on, Anna‐Kat.

When you mess up,
we mess up.

Now do what I do.

No!

Franklin, I said
"swing your partner,"

not "stir the bucket."

Now, girls, flutter‐wheel!

Boys, slip the clutch
and split the star!

What are you doing?

You ditched me for her!

That's it.
You're both eliminated.

I expect your bandanas
on my desk by end of day.

Take five, everybody.

You ruined my only chance
at getting an "A" in PE.

Thanks a lot, Anna‐Kat.

I only did this stupid thing
because it was important to you!

I'm gonna go play kickball.

If I had a dime
for every dancer with promise

we lost to kickball...

I'd still live
with my mother.

But it would be
my choice.

Dad?
Really?

We're not gonna use
any of this.

Trip, give me a hand.

Okay, rolling, and...
action!

I...

Cut!

Trip, what are you doing?

Huh?
Sorry, I couldn't hear you.

These chips
are really loud.

Exactly.

Oh. Gotcha.

And... action!

Oh, hey,
you know what?

Cut.
Trip!

I was being rude.

Do you guys want
some chips?

Trip, maybe you should go play
with Luthor in the backyard.

What,
you don't want me here?

Fine! But he and I
are gonna get dirty,

and we're gonna track it
back in the house.

What's going on with him?

I have no idea.
But let's just get this done.

So we're clear...
none of this "I love you" stuff.

I need you
to stay strong.

No, no, no, I'm good.

Just to be safe,
we're hanging out at my house.

It's the least romantic place
on earth.

♪ However big,
however small ♪

♪ Let me be part of it all ♪

Oh, my.

♪ Share your dreams with me ♪

- ♪ You may be right, you may be wrong ♪
- Charlotte, I...

He nothing!

What the hell?

You had a bug
on your forehead.

But don't worry,
I got it.

All right,
let's change the mood.

How about we go to Cooper's
and watch "Philadelphia"

followed by
"Schindler's List"?

All right, last question
of round one.

On the Risk board,

what territories border
Kamchatka?

Oh, oh, I got this!

Yakutsk,

Irkutsk,

Alaska,

Japan,

and... Katie?

Who‐gives‐a‐crapistan?

- Wine?
- No, thanks.

I'm gonna stick
to club soda.

I got to keep my mind sharp.
Mongolia!

Okay, time's up.

Get those answers in.

Hey, I'm gonna go shoot
some hoops.

- You want to come?
- No, I'm good.

You'll join me
for the next round?

Wouldn't miss it.

Our category
for round two is...

Scandinavian haiku.

‐Yes!
‐Might miss it.

I got the high score
on Pop‐A‐Shot.

What a fun night
together.

Well, technically,
we didn't have fun together.

What do you mean?

You played basketball,
I did trivia.

We didn't even really see
each other.

That's not true.

I gave you one of these.

I don't think that counts.

Is it possible I was wrong?

We don't have anything
in common?

What are you doing, man?

Maybe you were right.

Hey.

I came to you
for reassurance.

If you're going to freak out,
I'm going to freak out.

Well, I'm freaking out!
Then I'm freaking out!

Well, on the bright side,
we're finally doing something together.

I was looking
at the Venn diagram,

and I think I discovered
something we have in common.

- That's amazing.
- What is it?

It's a bit of a stretch,

but you like
mixed martial arts.

In college,
I took an art class

that was boys and girls mixed,
taught by a guy named Marshall.

We're in more trouble
than I thought.

I'll take some hot water,
please.

Hot water?

I travel
with my own tea.

What's wrong with our tea?

Was yours picked from a secluded
grove atop Mount Fuji?

- No.
- You have your answer.

Well, I'll tell Oliver that you
came to pick him up for school

but had to leave before someone
kicked you in the ass.

Franklin,
what are you doing here?

There's no carpool
this morning.

Mrs. Otto, I respectfully
ask you to step aside.

Anna‐Kat,
I came to say I'm sorry.

Principal Ablin told me
I had to choose

between you and dancing.

I choose you.

You're making
the wrong choice!

The answer is always dance!

I'm sorry.

I should have just done kickball
with you.

No, you were right
to do square dancing.

You would've been miserable
in kickball.

I know.
It's such a confusing sport.

Are you baseball
or are you soccer?

Make up your mind,
kickball!

We don't have to like
all the same things.

Yeah.
We can each do our own thing

and meet up afterwards.

That way, we have something
to talk about.

It's how we keep it
interesting.

Let's go kick the ball
in the yard.

I'll kick it.

You dance beside me.

Yee‐haw!

Maybe they have it right.

Maybe we don't need to have
all the same interests.

Yeah.

Do you smell
something fancy?

Can I ask you guys
a question?

When did you first tell
Mrs. Otto you loved her?

I actually told her
in a drug store.

In front of a rack
of athlete's foot powder.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I grabbed a couple
of lawn chairs,

opened them up
in the aisle,

sat her down
and said, "I love you."

Which is crazy,

because a couple of nights
before,

we had taken
a carriage ride,

and we were also
on a Ferris wheel.

But, no, the drug store,
that's where he did it.

Why there?

'Cause the time
was right.

And when it's the right time,
it's the right time.

Then we started
getting serious,

and it was how different we were
that drew us closer together.

It was, wasn't it?

Yeah. Between us,
we had everything covered.

You knew about the sports
and the ‐‐

- It's just sports, Greg.
- Oh.

And you were passionate
about music

and history and reading
and crap.

Let's go.

So I don't have to worry
if Oliver's ready.

As long as I'm ready.

Thanks.

Well, looks like

my mother‐son Pride cruise
to Mykonos

is back on!

Hey, Charlotte.

Oh, hey, Coop.

Come on, we have to go meet
Oliver and Brie for lunch.

But first, there's something
I need to tell you.

I love you.

I know, you probably
expected me to do this

on a yacht at sunset
or something,

but when you think
it's the right time,

it's the right time.

- Cooper, you're a great guy...
- Uh‐oh.

..but I don't want to get
that serious right now.

I think
we should take a break.

As in break up?

I think
that's a great idea.

- You do?
- Yeah.

You didn't let me finish.

I love you,
but we should break up.

Great.
Um, I'll see you around.

Adiós... mi corazón.

♪ A million dreams
are keeping me awake ♪

♪ I think of what the world
could be ♪

♪ A vision of the one I see ♪

♪ A million dreams
is all it's gonna take ♪

♪ A million dreams for the world
we're gonna ma‐a‐a‐ke ♪

♪ For the world
we're gonna make ♪

Okay. It's done.

I'm pressing send.

Don't.

What do you mean
"don't"?

What is going on with you?

I just don't want you
going away to school.

Why can't you go
to a local college with me?

Carnegie Mellon
is my dream.

I just think if you stayed here,
that'd be better.

Wait.

All of those things
you did...

Were you intentionally
sabotaging my audition?

I can't believe you!

"I can't believe you"
in a good way?

I can't believe
you're being so selfish!

Why can't you move
to Pittsburgh with me?

Well, my whole life
is here.

My brothers
all went to college here,

and then we all go
into the family business.

Well, I'm sorry,
but I have plans,

and they don't involve
staying in Westport.

So, where does that
leave us?

I don't know.

Alright.

I'm gonna go.

I gotta catch a flight
to Pittsburgh.

It's just a coincidence.

My cousin's
getting married there.

- What did you do?
- What do you mean?

Turns out you and I aren't
the only ones in lockstep.

I just got a text
from Brie.

She and Charlotte were, too.

So if Charlotte's
gonna be single...

Brie's gonna be single.

That's right.
She dumped me.

Because of you!

We're still playing
"Seal Force Delta" later, right?

Of course!
We're on the same patrol!

What are you watching?

"90 Day Fiancé."

They take a foreigner
and have an American marry them

so they get
their citizenship.

That sounds illegal.

It doesn't claim to represent
the best of us.

Are you just watching dirt?

It's not dirt.

It's a documentary
on topsoil,

and it has me on the edge
of my seat.

Oh.

This is nice.

I like that we don't have
to do something together

to be together.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm gonna tell
Doris and Angela that.

- I was thinking.
- Mm‐hmm.

Maybe we don't tell them
everything

about our marriage
all the time?

They are not gonna like
hearing you said that.

How you holding up
about Brie?

Sorry I blew it
for the both of us.

I'll bounce back.

That apology dinner
was top‐notch.

You'd think putting
a whole pound of caviar

on a filet mignon
would be imbalanced,

but you gotta let
Wolfgang do Wolfgang.

Thanks for being so cool
about all this.

It's okay.

Next time, I would encourage you
not to ask my mom

for relationship advice.

It's like asking Taylor
to be your chemistry tutor.

And I guess Charlotte and I
just weren't meant to be.

Yeah,
neither were me and Brie.

But we'll always have
each other.

I love you, bro.

I love you too, man.

Sync corrections by srjanapala