American Housewife (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - Women in Business - full transcript

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---
And thank you for your order.

Guess who just made another sale
from Mrs. O's Lasagna.

Mom, you are a killer!

I'm so proud to have your blood
in my veins. You, less so.

Hey! Because of me,
you're gonna be tall.

And, fun fact, your hair will
grow upwards, like a stovepipe.

Hmm.

So, my girlfriend's dad,
the cardboard box king...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...his brother is the Jar Czar,

and I negotiated an amazing deal.

I just cut our overhead in half.



Sorry, Anna-Kat,
but my new favorite kid is...

Oliver.

That's cool. I had a good run.

Nice to see you guys bonding
over the business,

and, actually, I'm kind of jealous.

I don't have a similar thing
with any of the kids.

We have a thing. You comb
the lice out of my hair.

Once. In second grade.

Hey, I'm trying, Greg.

Mm.

Katie, where's the milk?

Where's a condiment?

Where's anything
that's not lasagna-related?

Sorry, but starting a home business



is a lot like having a new baby.

It requires constant attention.

But unlike a baby,

you can't leave your
home business in an Exersaucer

while you play "Candy Crush"
on the toilet.

Hey, you, help me wash the pans
so I can make some more lasagna.

These don't scrub.

The secret to looking rich

is expensive shoes and soft hands.

Touch 'em. They're like
a dolphin's belly.

- Hmm.
- And besides, I don't have time.

Before they let me take calls
at Teen Help Line,

I have to work on my speaking voice.

Apparently, I have this mocking tone

where I come across as unsympathetic.

Some people have a punchable face.

You have a punchable voice.

- No, I don't!
- Yes, you do, sweetie.

It goes along
with your punchable demeanor.

♪

How's the college application going?

I haven't... started.

What?

These essay questions are too hard!

"How have you positively
influenced others?"

"What is your most significant
accomplishment?"

[Exhales sharply] I'm 18, bruh!

My biggest accomplishment
is a papier-mâché horse

I made in art class.

It has no legs, Taylor.

It's sleeping!

I don't care how hard it is.

You're not leaving this house

until you finish those questions.

Too bad one of the questions isn't

"Which family member
is most like Satan?"

You compare me to Satan so much,
it means nothing.

[Cellphone vibrates, chimes]

Oh, no.

[Cellphone vibrating, chiming]

OLIVER: Mom!

I see it!

♪

The weekly poker tournament just
canceled their lasagna order.

Why are all of our clients canceling?

Because of these.

We're being flooded
with bad Yelp reviews.

"I found a fingernail in my lasagna"?

"My son ate Katie's lasagna,

and now he's been institutionalized.

Is there a link?"

Caitlin Bianca Madison,
you're a damn liar!

So is Cathy Brenda McCormick.

Wait.

This one's by Collette Blix-Masters.

All of these are posted by women
with the initials CBM.

[Dramatic music plays]

Chloe Brown Mueller.

♪

This next review will be from
Cynthia Barbara Mendelstein.

I'm making this one Jewish for you.

- But I'm not...
- Yes, you are.

Fine.

Can I have the high holidays off?

No.

♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

04x08 - Women in Business

Hey!

It sucks that we don't have the
same lunch schedule this year.

Yeah. No one else knows how
to make me laugh the way you do.

Plus, you know
how to open the milk carton

without tearing the drinky part.

Hey.

Maybe we can ask Principal Ablin

if he can change our schedules
so we can eat together.

He'll never say yes.

He's had it in for me ever since I said

there was no way
he was the Phillie Phanatic.

Well, never hurts to try.

Hey, Principal Ablin, can we...

- No.
- Mm.

I was the Phillie Phanatic.

Yeah, yeah.

- Penny. You forgot your lunch.
- Thanks, Maria.

You know your mother
only wants you to call me

"the help" or "sad face."

♪

Bellissima.

♪

- Hi, Anna-Kat.
- Hi, Maria.

Principal Ablin.

How did that go? Did I ask her out?

No, you just stood there

looking like someone
who needed an EpiPen.

[Whispering] He really likes her.

Maybe we can use this to our advantage.

Principal Ablin.

You know, we can help
make Maria your girlfriend.

[Chuckling] I don't need your help.

I have mad game.

But just for fun,

why don't you tell me
what your advice would be?

Not so fast.

We're only helping
if you allow Franklin and I

to have the same lunch period.

- Deal.
- Great!

This hunk landed me
with a little playful teasing.

It shows that you're funny
and comfortable with the person.

Oh, that makes sense.

This was more helpful
than my mom's romantic advice...

"A woman? Really?"

♪

Oh.

These reviews are vicious.

This one says
Navy SEALs found your lasagna

in Osama bin Laden's compound.

I have worked my ass off
to grow this business,

and now Chloe is cutting it down
with a few bad Yelp reviews.

Why is she so determined
to destroy your business?

I don't know.

Career Day, maybe?

Thank you. Thank you.

Our next speaker is Katie Otto,

who is going to talk about
her poison-in-a-jar business.

It's lasagna in a jar.

[Gags]

♪

Now, kids, I started my company
from scratch,

unlike the previous speaker,

whose husband bought her a store
to keep her busy.

Just like you guys bought
this hamster a wheel to run on.

Run, Chloe Brown Hamster!

Run!

♪

Okay, if you want people to
start buying your lasagna again,

you need to ask Chloe
to take those reviews down.

She'll never do that.

Then your only course of action

is to destroy her business
in retaliation.

That's the only course of action?

Shh. How?

Steal Maria.

You need more help, and Chloe
can't survive without her.

Isn't that hitting below the belt?

What's wrong
with hitting below the belt?

It hurts the other person
and it's super-funny.

It's how I'm handling
my divorce with Richard.

I'm stealing everybody that
Richard can't live without...

his personal assistant,
his driver, his pastry chef...

Oh. You have a dedicated pastry chef?

Yeah. I mean, who else is gonna
bake me fresh croissants

that I can take one bite out of,
then throw to the swans?

Or you could be the bigger person

and just let this one go,
because you always t...

You're just waiting
for me to stop talking

so you can do Doris' plan.

Ah. I'm so glad we don't have to
play this game anymore.

♪

[Bell jingles]

Oh, hi, Katie.
One moment. I'm with a customer.

Oh.

So, what can I help you with?

[Mockingly] "So, what can I
help you with?"

Why are you doing that to me?

[Normal voice]
Because your voice is weird.

But not as weird as your face!

So, you free Friday night?

No.

Oh.

Ablin... what was that?

Uh... I-I have no game.

[Sighs]

Hmm.

[Door opens]

So, Maria, are you happy
working for Chloe?

Every day is like an alligator attack.

Well, I just started my own business.

How would you like to come work for me?

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- Yes.
- [Chuckles]

Maria!

What did I tell you
about standing next to mirrors?

One of you is bad enough.
I don't need two.

Oh, my God.

Katie Otto's in my store, as well?

All I need now is a UTI
to make this day complete.

Maria, do you have something
you want to say to Chloe?

I...

I...

...quit.

You're supposed to say "I quit."

[Whispering] I quit.

She quits.

And the best part is,
she's working for me.

[Scoffs]

♪

Maria!

Maria?!

Mariaaaa!!

♪

[Knock on door]

Hey, Dad, um, I know you're working,

but do you feel like
doing a puzzle with me?

I thought you said
you were too old for puzzles.

I would never say something like that.

Eh, your exact quote was
"I'm not a little girl anymore.

I hate puzzles.

Stop asking and get off my jock."

Well, it's not about the puzzle.

I just want to spend time with you.

Really?

Okay. Let's bond.

Uh, well, since we're hanging out,

um, I have this question
I've been meaning to ask you.

Sure. Shoot.

What do you think is my most
significant accomplishment?

Hmm. That's an interesting
question. I would say...

Try to keep your answer
to 500 words or less.

♪

Oliver, come over here
and meet our new employee.

Maria?

Hey, there, boss.

Ooh, "boss." Goosebumps.

Maria, you don't have to call us "boss."

And you can make eye contact with us.

Really?

And... I don't have to tell you
how great your hair looks

on the hour?

Of course not.

Maybe.

Mom...

why did you hire someone?

Our reviews still suck,

which means we're not making any money,

which means it's the worst time
to hire a new employee.

- [Sighs]
- I can help with the reviews, actually.

I know all of Chloe's passwords,

so I can just log in to her accounts

and turn them into five stars.

Oliver, she's pulling
her weight already.

You're amazing.

[Voice breaking] This job...

it's just so different.

It's okay, Maria.

- You're going to...
- No, no. Let me do this.

I need to practice my soothing
voice for Teen Help Line.

[Sobbing]

Hey, Maria?

We're happy to have you,
and you're doing just great.

Are you being sarcastic?

I don't even know.

♪

- Dessert first today?
- Good idea.

Let's see how high
my blood sugar can go.

Oh, I've missed this.

You two!

Your advice was terrible!
The deal is off!

I've changed your schedule back.

You're late for gym.

Bye, Franklin.

When will I ever see you again?

After gym.

Okay.

This is why you could've never
been the Phillie Phanatic.

You have no heart.

Gimme a P! Gimme an H!

Gimme an I, L, L, Y!

What's that spell?

Philly!

That... proves... nothing.

♪

Oh, did someone place a new order?

Ever since Maria took down
the fake reviews Chloe posted...

Our clients started coming back.

My baby was sick,
and we nursed it back to health.

And that's why Maria's
our employee of the month.

Why are you mocking me?
I'm doing the best I can.

[Sighs] Dad, you have a gentle voice.

Can you teach me that tone you use

to calm Mom down
when she finds someone counting

to see if she has
10 items or less in her basket?

Sorry, son, but that honey
timbre doesn't come overnight.

It took years working as a DJ

at my college's
smooth jazz radio station.

I know you don't think they are,
but your stories are so sad.

Oliver, I need you to call the
guys from the poker tournament

and explain to them
what happened with the reviews.

You got it, Mom.

Oliver, please!

This is important!

I was being sincere!

Damn this voice!

You know, you're not the only
one bonding with our kids.

I hung out with Taylor
yesterday... all day.

Whoa! Nice job.

First time we talked
about really deep issues.

She hung on my every word.

I think at one point,
she was even taking notes.

Quick question...
did you guys also talk about

what Taylor has done to make
her community a better place?

Yes. How did you know?

Because you're getting played.

All of those questions were
from her college application.

[Sighs]

I think I was just so happy
she wanted to hang out with me,

I didn't notice.

Well, that is the last time

we do a historical jigsaw puzzle
together. That'll show her.

I don't think it will.

Mm.

Guess who got the lasagna order
for the poker tournament back.

- [Vehicle approaches]
- They even want to put a rush order

- on it for tonight.
- Crap! That is a lot of lasagna.

- [Car door closes]
- Maria, fire up the stove.

[Burner clicking]

[Clicking stops]

Something's wrong. It won't turn on.

Did one of you call the gas company?

♪

E-Excuse me.

Why are you putting a lock
on our gas line?

You were renovating the backyard.

You hit a line, and now
you need the gas shut off.

That never happened.

Who called this in, exactly?

The homeowner.
"Carmen Bolivar Martinez"?

CBM.

You've got to admit,
that's the best name yet.

I wanna punch your voice
so hard right now.

Listen, there has been
a misunderstanding.

I live here, and we don't need
the gas shut off.

- But the work order says...
- I know what it says.

But it's wrong.

- But the work order...
- It's wrong.

- But... the...
- Don't say it. Stop.

- ...work order...
- I want to talk to your supervisor.

He's away. But you can call
first thing Monday morning.

Sir, we can't wait that long.

My mom and I run a home business,

and we need the gas turned on,
or we'll lose a big client.

- But the work order...
- Where's your offices?

Because I'm going to burn them to...

This is DJ Greg, coming at you

to calm you down with a kiss.

♪

Chloe Brown Mueller
is messing with my baby,

and she's going down.

Mom, your feud with Chloe
is hurting our business.

- Ugh!
- What's more important?

Hurting Chloe or protecting your baby?

Right now, hurting Chloe.

Okay, I'm gonna go down to Perfection,

and I'm gonna take a bat
to her electrical box.

She's gonna send one
of my utilities to the hospital?

I send one of hers to the morgue.

"Untouchables" reference.

[Chuckles] I got it, boss.

So funny. [Laughs]

Maria, you don't have to laugh
at my jokes.

[Laughs]

That's not a joke.

[Laughs louder]

Oh, man. You are damaged.

[Laughter fades]

Hey, Maria, now that
you're working here,

maybe I should get to know you
a little bit.

- Mm.
- What do you look for in a fella?

Anna-Kat, that is a personal question.

But now that it's out there,
let's spill some tea.

What do you look for in a man?

I guess I'm attracted to someone

who isn't afraid to share
what makes them special.

As long as your definition
of "special" is pretty flexible,

I can work with that.

KATIE: What is she up to?

If she were my first kid,
I'd dig into that,

but she's number three.

I'm just gonna sit here
and hope for the best.

♪

Hey, Dad!

I thought you could teach me

how that old laminator of yours works.

Sounds like a hoot, huh?

You know, I was thinking,

I'd like to revise my answer
to the question

"What word best describes you?"

Okay. Shoot.

I'd say "manipulative,"

"deceitful," "self-serving."

Wait a minute.
That's all bad stuff, right?

I know you only hung out with me

so you could pump me for your
college application answers.

I was spending quality time with you,

and you were using me!

[Sighs] Okay, fine, I tricked you.

But come on.
I only have one question left.

Forget it, Taylor.

You can't slack off
and expect me to bail you out.

But I wasn't slacking off!

I've been trying to answer
these stupid questions

for the past three months,

but I froze up because
I finally really want something.

Carnegie Mellon is perfect for me.

When I'm on stage, it's the only time

I'm not afraid to show people
the real me.

And I realized singing is
the thing I care about the most.

And if you don't help me, I'll never
get in! And why are you smiling?

- That's it.
- What?

What you just said was the perfect
answer to the last question...

"Why do you want to attend
Carnegie Mellon?"

- Really?
- Yes!

It's honest and true and so much better

than anything I could've come up with.

[Exhales sharply]

I'm gonna write this down.

But afterwards, we could
maybe use your laminator

and laminate things.

I know you're only saying that
because you feel guilty, but...

...let's push this baby to the limit.

[Chuckles]

[Bell jingles]

Carmen Bolivar Martinez, show yourself!

[Door closes]

- Hello, Mother.
- Oliver?

What are you doing here?

Your feud was ruining our business,

so I reached out to Chloe
to broker a truce.

Ugh. The one child we planned
turns on me!

Mom...

...sit down, please.

Chloe, you, too.

[Sighs]

Thank you. Now, in order to end this,

we need to get to the root
of your issues with each other.

Why exactly are you mad at my mom?

Because she's the suckiest suck
that ever sucked.

This stupid battle
is hurting your business, too.

Okay, fine.

Your mother went too far on Career Day.

You started it. You said
my lasagna was poison.

You said my store was a vanity project

paid for by my husband.

And why did that make you so mad?

Because it's not true!

I easily could have asked him,
but I didn't,

[Voice breaking] because I
wanted it to be truly mine.

Do you know I started going
to small craft fairs,

meeting artists
and developing relationships?

And then I spent years
selling their work

at a kiosk at the Stanford Mall.

- You were a mall kiosk lady?
- It was hell.

But I persevered,

and I finally saved up enough money

to open my own place.

Perfection isn't a vanity store.

It's my baby.

I didn't know.

Mom, is it possible
that you pre-judged Chloe

as a typical Westport housewife?

I guess I did.

So, that means...

I was wrong.

Chloe, I didn't mean
to mess with your baby.

I'm sorry for stealing Maria
away from you.

Well, I'm sorry
for messing with your baby, too.

I know how hard it is
to start a business.

We need to be supporting each other.

Maybe I'll buy a jar of your lasagna...

and eat it over a four-year period.

Maybe I will buy a trinket
from your store.

That's $800.

You'll let me know when
you're having a "100% off" sale.

Would you mind if Maria
came back to work for me?

Sure.

I'm not an object
you can barter and trade.

I am a human being.

Oh, my God! What have you done to her?

Working for Katie has taught me
that I have value.

[Groans]

All right, well, what do I
have to do to get you back?

I could... give you a raise?

And I don't want to give you
a piggyback ride to your car

after pedicures.

You don't like that?

That was our thing!

Mnh-mnh.

[Sighs] Okay. Fine.

You can start today.

Tomorrow morning.

Ugh! Okay.

But I have to tell you
that this self-esteem

is a very ugly color on you.

So, this feud is over?

Feud over.

Feud over.

Nice job, Oliver.

I think you found your soothing voice.

I guess I did.

I think it's because
there was money on the line.

I just have to lock in this feeling

and apply it to stupid stuff,
like people's problems.

♪

♪

[Doorbell rings]

I'll get it!

She's here. You ready?

I brought what makes me special.

Hey, guys! Look who decided
to come over and hang!

It's my principal! [Chuckles]

Hey, Ottos.

Principal Ablin.

What are you doing here?

I wanted to apologize to Maria
for how I acted the other day.

Those slams don't belong anywhere

except the main stage at the Apollo.

So, I brought you a gift.

It's... uh...

me.

I made it from memory.

I've been a woodworker
ever since I was a kid.

It's kind of what makes me special.

It's...

pretty cool, actually.

So, Maria, I was wondering
if you'd ever like to, uh,

you know, go on a, um... date with me.

Sure. That sounds fun.

- Yes!
- Huzzah!

This is a man who's in charge
of thousands of children.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com