American Housewife (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - Girls' Night Out - full transcript

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Trip and I are going
to the movies tonight.

Cooper and I are going, too.

Oh, cool! I like movies.
Maybe I'll tag along.

- Sorry, I misspoke. I meant mini-golf.
- Yeah, me, too.

Oh, I like mini-golf.

What do you not like, Dad?
Because we're doing that.

- Yeah, me, too.
- All right, you go. Have fun.

Anna-Kat, hurry up.
You're gonna be late.

- Where's your backpack?
- Upstairs.

I'll get it.

Quick, finish your breakfast.
Bigger bites.



Put it down like a snake.

Where's your sweatshirt?

Next to my backpack.

Anna-Kat, you're only wearing
one sneaker.

Oh, yeah.

Catch!

Are you okay?

I know I am this close to turning 40,

but I don't think that I can blame age

for getting tired halfway up the stairs.

Blame me. I'm a very easy target.

I just don't love how I feel
in my body right now.

I don't feel attractive.

I might need to change some things up.



I like how you are right now.

But if you feel like you should change,

then you should go ahead
and make that change.

And I'm sure that if you make the change

that I'd like the new you

as much as I like the current you,

as you are.

Currently.

I wasn't fishing
for a nervous compliment, Greg.

I'm just making a statement.

Oh.

Do you think you could
take the kids to school?

I'm just gonna stay here.

I know it's only 8:00 a.m.,

but I feel like I've done enough.

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04x06 - Girls' Night Out

Doris' husband, Richard,
is here to see you.

That's weird.

Send him in, I guess.

- Hey, Angela.
- Hey.

Sorry to just pop in like this,

but I'm wondering if I can...
talk to you about a situation.

Ah.

Okay, Richard, let's hear it.

I don't know why,
but because I'm a lesbian,

everyone wants to tell me
their one gay experience, so...

come on.

No.

I'm going to divorce Doris,

and I'd like to hire you as my lawyer.

What? Oh!

Hell no!

I am not representing you if
you're divorcing my best friend.

I figured as much.

But now that I've talked to you,

legally, you can't
represent her against me.

Thanks so much for your help.

Is this a real emergency,

or do you just throw "911" on a text

like when my kids run out

of those little
Trader Joe's ice cream cones?

Richard is divorcing Doris.

What?

He came to my office today to talk to me

so that Doris couldn't
hire me as her lawyer.

Meryl Streep's lawyer

told her to do that
on "Big Little Lies"!

I know. What'd you think of her teeth?

I found them distracting.

See, I thought they made her character.

- We're getting off track.
- Right.

Listen, we need to figure out

how we're gonna play this
when Doris tells us

because she's probably
gonna be a total mess.

Hey! What's up, bitches?

- Oh!
- There she is!

Hey, girl.

So, what are we talking about?

Oh, you know, the usual.

Greg, blah, blah, blah,
my kids, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh.

I'm gay.

You guys are being weird.
Why are you being weird?

Who's acting weird?

I am gay.

So, Doris... anything new?

Oh!

I think I might be done brushing
my teeth in the morning.

Now I just chew gum and go like this.

That's neat.

I'm gonna step out real quick
to use the bathroom.

I gotta poop.

- She doesn't know.
- Well, we have to tell her.

Richard told you. You tell her.

No! I sit next to her.

I am within fork-stabbing distance.

And you know Doris does not
react well to bad news.

Sorry about that.

Everything good?

So good.

Angela, did you have
any interesting visitors

at the office this morning?

Oh, Katie, work is so boring.

Let's talk about gossip.

Have you heard anything gossipy
this morning?

Would you excuse me one more time?

Part two.

You need to cool it on that flaxseed.

- I thought you were gonna tell her.
- I thought you were!

Well, you've known her longer and...

One, two, three, not it!

What the hell is going on?

Are you guys doing
bathroom drugs without me?

Because that would be so mean!

Doris... I think you should sit down.

Come on.

There's no easy way to say this.

Richard is leaving you.

Yeah, right. I wish!

No. No, we're serious.

He came to see me at the office today

so that I couldn't represent you.

Like in "Big Little Lies."

We're so sorry, honey.

Doris. Doris!

Sorry.

Doris!

You keep chasing her!

I'll wait here in case she circles back.

10 years ago, the kids and I

were making a surprise cake
for Katie's 30th birthday.

Katie came home early,
caught us in the act,

and took this photo.

It's amazing what you guys can pull off

without a pastry chef
and staff photographer.

It's Katie's favorite picture.

So I thought for her
40th birthday in a few months,

it'd be fun to re-create this photo.

A nice homemade gift to
remind her how much we love her.

I'm in.

Trip, you... weren't
in the original picture.

Yeah, but I'm really photogenic.

Check it.

I'm checking it.

When I'm 32, you'll be 41.

I got all the props.

And I made a Babybjorn out of a backpack

and two seatbelts for Anna-Kat.

There's no way
that thing will hold Anna-Kat.

Don't be so negative.

Then who am I?

We just have to pick a night

when Mom's not home
so we can take the picture.

But she's always home.

She's like that B.O. smell
in Oliver's room.

She refuses to leave.

Fake news.

Oliver, you're wrong.
This'll totally hold her.

So, they're getting divorced?

What did Doris do
that finally made him leave her?

Why do you assume it was Doris?

For the same reason if we get divorced,

people will assume it was you.

That's fair.

W-What are you doing?

I'm exercising.

Oh.

Thanks for trying to make me laugh.

Well, you were right.

Richard's leaving me.

I found papers on the kitchen table.

I'm sorry, Doris.

You know, I-I can't believe
this is happening.

I always joked about me leaving Richard,

but I never thought in a million years

that he'd be the one leaving me.

Honey, I know it's so hard.

I know he's sleeping with someone.

But it can't be one of the nannies.

No. I'm no dummy, I went old and ugly.

Well, you never know.

Oprah says it's not about
how the other woman looks.

It's about how she makes your man feel.

What are you doing?

If he's sleeping with someone,
so will I.

We're going out tonight.

You and Angela are gonna be
my wing women.

I've got to find a dude to bone.

No.

Wow! You look fantastic.

I'm gonna call Doris and lie

and tell her
one of our idiot kids got lice

and now we all have it.

Actually, that's not a lie.
We probably all do.

I know you don't feel so great
about yourself right now,

but trust me, you're a catch.

I bet if you didn't have that ring on,

guys would hit on you all night long.

You're just saying that.

Well... let's find out.

Katie Otto, will you un-marry me
for one night?

Aww.

Just to be clear,
does this actually mean I can...

- No!
- Good thing I checked. Mm-hmm.

Okay, Mom's gone!

Oliver! Get down here!

Taylor, Mom's finally out of the house.

Get out the mixing bowls
and start making the batter.

We need everything to look exactly
like it did in the original picture.

Go throw on your ducky pajamas.

Dad, we told you.
Cooper and I have plans.

So do me and Trip.

Well, you're gonna have to cancel.

We might not get another chance.

We can't cancel.

It's opening night
of the new "Terminator" movie.

If we don't go,
people will ruin it for us.

But if we do go,
we can ruin it for other people.

Besides, you signed off on it.

You're always prattling on

about how important it is
to be a man of your word.

Should we just ignore everything
else you've taught us?

Yeah. So should I chat
with strangers on the Internet?

You just got outsmarted by Taylor.

That can't feel good.

Not necessarily.

Taylor and Oliver are gonna be
grounded for the night.

I just have to figure out why.

Ooh, shady parenting.

This is usually Mom's department.

You just got interesting.

Oh, this is amazing!

Why didn't I do this a long time ago?!

Because you were married!

Hi, ladies.

My friend just found out
she's getting divorced,

and this is kind of her big night out.

So our group are the ones
who need to have the most fun.

Yeah, so we're gonna have to
ask you to leave.

Mm-hmm.

No.

I'll give you 500 bucks.

And an extra 50
for those boas and the tiaras.

Here we go!

- Whoo!
- Oh, yeah!

All right, who wants to make out?!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Taylor, close the fridge door, please.

I'll close it in a sec.
I got my hands full.

When you leave the door open,

the fridge thinks it needs
to cool the entire house.

I'm just doing my part
to counteract global warming.

Was that attitude?

Total attitude.

No, no. I...

For the first time, I think
I was actually being clever.

You're grounded.

- No movie for you tonight.
- What?!

And since you're grounded for the night,

now you'll be able
to take that picture after all.

You've got to be kidding me.

If you'll excuse us,

Cooper and I are gonna go up to my room

and sit silently with our hands folded

until the movie starts.

He's onto us.

I know.

We have Taylor,

but if we don't have Oliver,
we don't have a picture.

- What's the plan?
- I'm gonna bust into his room,

see if I can find a groundable offense.

Top-left desk drawer. Check his journal.

Some pretty meaty stuff in there.

Hmm.

So, uh... you the bride-to-be?

Sorry?

Oh.

This? No.

My friend is getting a divorce,

and so we're trying
to help her find someone

to have a revenge hook-up with.

Ohh. That is so sweet.

How about you?

What?

You looking for anybody
to have a revenge hook-up with?

Wait a minute.

You're Malcolm Smith.

You recognize me?

Of course!

I saw you score, like, 30 points
in that all-star game.

Well, I'm only hoping
to score once tonight.

Malcolm Smith.

Are you hitting on me?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

Why?

What do you mean, "Why?"

You're hot, you know sports,

and I don't see a wedding ring,
so I'm assuming single.

Look... at... this.

Unfortunately, I'm married.

I mean, it's not unfortunate.

I love my husband very much.

Sometimes it's unfortunate.

Well, uh...

if you...

...if you ever change your mind,
I would love to...

just give you a little piggyback ride.

It's quite the view.

So is this.

Hello, Father.
To what do we owe the pleasure?

I was just... popping in to say hello.

Making sure everything is...

in order!

Hospital corners. Very nice.

Just like you taught me.

One of the many priceless lessons

I will carry with me
out into this world.

We figured with Oliver's room so clean

and all of his many chores completed,

it'd be a nice time to start
reading your book aloud.

How wonderful.

You boys enjoy your reading.

We sure will.

My only critique of the book...

it's not long enough.

Yeah, yeah.

What about that guy?

He's in a three-piece suit
and looks constipated.

He's like a white Richard.

Okay.

How about that one?

- Oh! He is pretty.
- Mm-hmm.

I like pretty.

Time to go in for the kill.

Okay. Right. Come here.

Take this off.

Go do it. You got 'im.

"Go in for the kill"?

What is happening with my life?

You know, three nights ago,

I was lying in bed next to my husband

watching TV shows on separate computers.

What am I even doing here?

Getting back at Richard for cheating.

Richard's not cheating, okay?

I confronted him
before I left the house.

There's... There's no one else.

Oh, he's lying to cover his ass
for the divorce.

No, that's not it.

He said he doesn't
enjoy my company anymore.

- What?
- Yeah.

He said he'd rather be all alone
than be with me.

Am I really that awful?

I knew it. I am that awful.

- Why didn't you say something?
- Why didn't you?

And lie to our friend?

- That's all you do!
- Oh, God!

Doris, obviously,
we don't think you're awful.

Are you difficult?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

But you're an amazing person, too.

You know this whole situation
is really more about Richard.

If he doesn't love everything about you,

then you're probably
better off without him.

Yeah. To hell with Richard!

Let's throw all the suits
in his Aston Martin

and set it on fire!

- Thank you, guys.
- Oh, honey.

Mm.

You know, I've been with Richard
for so long,

I've forgotten what it's like
to be alone.

Oh, it's awesome.

You get to sleep diagonally in bed,

you don't have to have sex
with the same person

over and over and over again,

and you only get your kids
half the time.

Being in a good marriage is so unfair.

I can't take a piggyback ride
on Malcolm Smith,

and I have my kids
the whole stupid time!

- Oh, you poor thing.
- Aww.

- We're here for you.
- Yeah.

We're off to the movies.

But it doesn't start for another hour.

Oh, we're heading out early

so we can drive
well under the speed limit.

Safety first.

I'm transporting precious cargo here.

Have a great night, everybody.

I love you, Dad.

Hold on.

I love you, too, son.

What's thi... What?

Well, well, well.

What do we have here?

Oliver, is this marijuana?

Oh, my.

You're grounded.

I'm being framed.

We both know you planted this on me.

I mean, this jacket
doesn't even have pockets!

No movie for you tonight.

No way! That's so messed up!

We're still going.

Okay, Oliver, wait.

This is clearly important to Dad.

And after everything he's done for us,

I think we owe it to him

to stop thinking
about ourselves for once

and just stay home and take the picture.

Fine.

Who gave this to you? I'll kill them.

It's Italian seasoning.

Oh, is that what
they're calling it these days?

Hmm?

Okay, Taylor,

just a smidge more batter
on your forehead.

How's it looking?

All set.

This is awesome.

When I get married,

I'm making you walk me
down the aisle like this.

Oliver, you ready?

Aww! Look who's up past his bedtime.

I appreciate you guys
making this happen.

It means a lot to me, and it's
gonna mean a lot to your mom.

Come on, guys! Have some fun with it.

Oh!

Uh, Taylor, tongue out.

Oliver, uh, lick the frosting.

Mr. Otto, um, act surprised.

Three, two, one.

Perfect.

I wish life was this fun
when I got grounded.

I wish I had parents around
to ground me at all.

Hey, why don't you guys jump in here?

Then in 10 years,
we'll re-create this one, too.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You guys are gonna be around
a long time. Come on.

Setting the timer.

Three...

two, one!

Wait. Can we take another one?
Because I want a copy.

Trip, you know you can just...

Let's take another one for Trip.

So... did you meet anyone?

Oh, I don't know.

Does the name Malcolm Smith
mean anything to you?

Does the name Gerard Manley Hopkins

mean anything to you?

See how it feels when you ask someone

if they know someone
you know they don't know?

He's a pro basketball player.

And he thought I was hot.

Ohh! Tell me all about it.

Well, he came up to me at the bar,

and we talked a bit,

and then he said
he'd like to, you know...

♪ Bow-chicki-bow-bowww ♪

♪ Mama-na-nanananananana ♪

- Ah! Nice!
- Suck it, motherhood and time!

Sweet.

Thanks for making me get back out there.

I may not be feeling my best,

but it's nice to know I still got it.

As far as I'm concerned,
you've always had it.

You still enjoy my company, right?

Of course. Always.

Just checking.

Is that the basketball player's number?

- Yep.
- Mm.

So, you just swipe through
until you find someone you like.

Ooh! Look at all these choices.

All sorts of shapes, sizes.

It's like online shopping!

What's the return policy?

Oh, my God. Principal Ablin!

God, let's see his pictures.

Holy crap, he's on a horse!

He is windsurfing in a shirt and tie!

That is weird!

Let me see some more.

No! Oh, my God, you just swiped right.

- Is that bad?
- What does that even mean?

It means you're into him.

Katie, I hate you!

Oh, my God, you matched!

Unmatch! Unmatch!

You can't.

Hellooo, Doris.

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