American Housewife (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 16 - The Battle for Second Breakfast - full transcript

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Second Breakfast.

My safe place...
A place I can complain

about my husband
and bitch about my children.

It's cheaper than therapy,
and there's pancakes.

And there are my best friends,
who listen to me,

give me advice,
and keep me from driving

my car into the lake.

What am I talking about?
The kids are too big now.

They will just wrestle the
steering wheel away from me.

I have a big problem.

Ah.
Oliver's taller than me.



- Are you guys listening?
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Anna-Kat's weird.
Oliver likes money.

- I didn't say any of that.
- Oh.

- Taylor's dumb?
- No!

Oliver is taller
than me!

I like to look down
at him when I'm yelling.

"Because I said so"
doesn't have the same impact

when I'm staring
up at his nostrils.

I know.

Hello?!

I'm workshopping
a problem here.

Sorry,
we're a little distracted.

Oh, Angela's hot
new girlfriend, Jane,

has an even hotter
brother named Charlie.



Mm-hmm. We went
fancy bowling last night.

Jane scored
a perfect game.

And Charlie scored big, too!
Up top!

You had a fun night.

Glad we covered that.
So, Oliver...

You know, Charlie and Doris
really hit it off.

Oh, he hit it,
all right.

- Mm-hmm.
- Boom-shaka-laka!

You think you're going
on a second date?

Oh, yeah.
We're gonna go hiking

- with them tomorrow morning.
- Mm.

We might be a little late
for Second Breakfast.

Late?!

You're late for
your kid's music recital,

not Second Breakfast!

This is important.

How about you come
hiking with us?

Yeah.
Absolutely not.

Hiking is
on my "no" list.

No hiking, no nutmeg,
no fake-ass veggie meat.

But I remember you
saying you liked it.

Before I knew
I was being tricked.

Mm-hmm.

Delicious,
fake-ass veggie meat.

Hey, guys.
How was school?

- Eh.
- Eh.

Terrific.

Oh.

Mustard?!

Well, I'm sorry you don't
like the mustard

on my sandwich.

Don't be sorry.
Just don't do it again.

- Mm.
- Dad, I had an awesome day.

We got our Popsicle-stick
project assignments.

I got Fort Trumbull.

Fort Trumbull!
Built in 1777!

A fortification to protect
the government of Connecticut!

How exciting!

Popsicle-stick projects
are a milestone

in any child's life.

Taylor, remember
the Popsicle-stick

Brooklyn Bridge
we made together?

Nope.

And, Oliver, remember
we had such a blast

making our Popsicle-stick
U.N. headquarters?

Nope.

Well, I got an "A"
on both of them.

I'm gonna go do
some research.

Well, this is
gonna be great!

And your mom called me
a weirdo because I had

people from work bring in
their used Popsicle sticks.

You know they sell them
at Michaels for, like,

one dollar
for a thousand.

I did not.

Hi!
Hi, honey.

Ooh, a snack!

Mustard.
Who likes mustard?

I do! The guy who
made the sandwich!

I'm gonna eat this
in my office.

Ugh.

Wait, come back here.
Let's go back-to-back.

Again?

Taylor,
who's taller?

Oliver. Still.

Damn it!

I've outgrown you, woman.
Deal with it.

Go pick up Luther's poop
in the front yard.

Are you punishing me
for being taller than you?

Yes, I am.

And now I'm punishing you
for pointing out

how ridiculous that is.

It's Taylor's turn
to pick up poop.

No way!
I did it yesterday!

Oh, look who thinks she
can keep track of days now.

Okay. Here's how
it's gonna go down...

Both of you are
doing it together

for the rest
of the week.

That is so unfair!

Well, you should have
thought about that before

you let your brother
get taller than me.

You're insane.

I'm a mother of three!
Of course I'm insane!

*AMERICAN HOUSEWIFE*
Season 04 Episode 16

Title: "The Battle for Second Breakfast"
Aired on: April 01, 2020

So, I've boiled and sterilized
my coworkers' Popsicle sticks.

You know you can get them
at Michaels for like...

I know. I've heard.

Next, we draw up
a blueprint.

I'll need a dozen
sharpened pencils,

a few yards of
waterproof vellum paper,

and one Oreo.

Not for the project.
I've just been good today.

Thanks for your help, Dad,
but I got this.

You want to make
the fort by yourself?

But we were such
a good team when we made

our Berlin Wall
out of German egg noodles.

Which look just like
normal egg noodles, but we knew.

We knew.

Aah, I can't say
no to that face.

Such soft, delicate features,
like an old, sick woman.

It's your turn,
and you know it.

Boy, first thing in
the morning, you look like...

hmm, well, what we're
putting in these bags.

Me?
Look at you.

Nice shirt.

Thanks. Some guy
shot me in the face with it

at a Knicks game.

Oh.

Wait, was that the...?

Street Pics Car?

They just took our picture!

But my clothes!

My hair!

We're gonna look like this
on Street Pics forever!

We actually look worse
than the house,

which I didn't think
was possible.

We need to find that car
and make sure that photo

never sees
the light of day.

What are we gonna do?
Run after it?

In my panda slippers?

Think of something!
You think of something!

Oh, wait, I'll think
of something.

Okay if we borrow
these chairs?

Actually, they're taken.

My friends are just
running late.

They should be here any minute.

I'm not alone.

I'm just waiting
for my friends.

Are your kids
taller than you?

Hi. Are you here
by yourself?

Apparently I am.

But I guess if you would
like to join...

This is a downside to how
popular I was in high school.

I am completely unprepared
for this situation.

Do I flip the table
or just leave?

Just leave.

And... done!

Fort Trumbull
is complete!

Let's wait for
the glue to dry,

and I'll paint the cardboard
to look more like a lawn.

Or... and here's
a really great idea...

We put fake grass down
to make it look more authentic.

I think I just
want to paint it.

I used fake grass
on Oliver's project,

and we got extra credit.

His teacher said it was
"well done" and "unnecessary."

Painting is fine.

It'll look way better
with turf.

Besides, it gives me a reason
to go to the Hobby Shop.

I like to go to
the miniature section

and pretend I'm a giant.

It really brings
the store down.

They dumped me for a stupid
hike with Jane and Charlie.

I have things I have to
talk to them about...

Oliver getting taller,
"The Bachelor."

You can talk to me.

I can't talk to you
about "The Bachelor."

You're all, "Who's paying
for all these dates?

The helicopter budget
alone must be insane."

You ruin it, Greg.

I'm just saying, one day
the helicopters won't be there.

And what is this
couple left with?

Hard marital work.

How could Doris and Angela
stand me up?

Second Breakfast
is sacred!

I know it sucks
you got stood up,

but it sounds like
you might be overreacting.

You know,
if it weren't for you,

I wouldn't be
in this situation.

With Angela and Doris?

No, with Oliver.

You're tall,
now he's getting tall.

I should have
married Bobby Hudson.

Who?

My high-school boyfriend.
He's 5'6".

He would have guaranteed me
Hobbit children.

Okay, instead of taking
your frustrations out on me,

why don't you tell
Doris and Angela

how you feel about
them standing you up?

You're right.

I am gonna give them
a taste of their own medicine

and teach them what
it feels like to be replaced.

That's not what I said.

I realize that,

but I smartened you up
in my head.

You're welcome.

These are the top ten most
humiliating images

caught by Street Pics.

This could be us.

What kind of person
keeps a Hello Kitty

Nativity scene
in their front yard?

The same kind of person
who wears

an "I farted. So what?"
T-shirt.

Like you should talk.

You looked like
a Troll doll from

the opioid crisis
collection.

That picture of us could
be on the Internet forever.

If Cooper's
helicopter can't locate

the Street Pics guy,
we'll have to move off the grid.

Somewhere we catch
our own rainwater

and drink
our own urine.

Why would we have to
drink our own urine

if we have rainwater?

We just do, okay?

You know who would win
the award for

loudest chewing of a banana?

Greg.

I stopped buying bananas,

but he now steals them
from work.

What's happening?

Did you know that Greg
adjusts the mirrors

every time
he gets in his car?

What does he think changed?

Why are you calling
Dad "Greg"?

Is this because
Doris and Angela ditched you?

Are you trying to make us
your breakfast friends?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Greg got up to pee
four times last night,

and it wouldn't be that bad,
but every time he got back

in the bed, it was
like a hippopotamus

flopping down next to me.

Stop badmouthing Dad!

He's nice, and he taught me
how to ride a bike.

All right, let's move on.

My kids, they're
kind of the worst.

Cooper's helicopter located
the Street Pics car.

It's in
downtown Fairfield.

Let's go. We have to make
him retake the photo.

Have a great day!
Make good choices!

Stop growing!

Ohh.

Hey!

You're the "I farted.
So what?" guy!

We need to talk to you.

You're
Rat's Nest Poop Shovel!

Listen, we need you
to come back to our house

and retake the photo.

Oh. We don't do that.

But you have to.

That's not how
I want to be remembered.

I want to be remembered
for doing something great,

like curing cancer or winning
"Dancing With the Stars."

Okay, I'll circle back
and retake it.

Yes!
Thank you!

On one condition.

Fine, my sister will go
on a date with you.

No. I want that
fancy Westport belt.

No deal.

This Ferragamo belt
means more to me than

any member
of my family.

It's either the belt
or looking stupid

on the Internet forever.

Can't you just go out
with my sister?

She just got
that vaccine.

Shut up!

It's the belt
or no reshoot.

All right!

I'll come by at some point.

When, exactly?

Oh, I can't give you
a specific time.

Do you want
a four-hour window?

Yeah.

Eh, I can't give you that
either.

Bye!

We have to stay
inside at all times.

And if we do go outside,
we have to be

our best-dressed
just in case he's driving by.

Ferragamo!

It's so crazy that we're dating
a brother and a sister.

I know.

Wait, is that
gross or hot?

Oh, it's hot.

Now, if they were twins,
it would be gross.

It's a real fine line
with this stuff.

Ew.

Oh!

Katie cancelled.

On bottomless
raspberry-lemonade day?

That's strange.

Mm.

All right, besties,
welcome to Second Breakfast!

You think she's mad 'cause
we went hiking yesterday?

She's mad that hiking is
a thing, so, yeah, probably.

Mm-hmm.

Hey!

Just got back from
the Hobby Shop.

Some other guy wanted
this roll of perennial rye,

but I beat him out.

I guess you could say
we had a "turf" war.

None of that happened.

I was just setting up a joke
I thought of in the car.

I said I didn't
need grass.

Everyone says that
until they see it.

Where's the fort?

I turned it in already.

It's not due
until Thursday.

It was finished.

How could it be finished
when I'm sitting here

holding a roll of
Connecticut perennial rye?!

Trust me.
It was good enough.

Good enough?
Good enough?!

Dad, it's my project.

Yeah, it's your project,
but you're my project,

and if you're willing to
turn in some slapdash

grassless trash for class,
then I'm failing.

And, yeah,
my flow is sick!

Why is that funny?

My nicked colon
is no laughing matter.

It's important that we look like
we're enjoying ourselves.

Maria, why did you
have to bring him?

I have news.
We're officially courting.

We now do
everything together.

Except number two.
Yep.

"Number two"
is grocery shopping.

I prefer to do it myself.

Oh.

Oh, good.
They're watching.

Ablin, pretend like
you're having fun.

Stop that!
Maria, control your man!

We don't do
stuff like that.

The point of Second Breakfast
is to bond

and air any grievances
in your life.

My mom fell
and broke her hip and...

Usually,
we start with me.

Have you ever
had friends that don't

value loyalty
or tradition?!

All of my ferrets
have betrayed me.

Ablin, keep telling that
hilarious colon story.

Okay, um,
I became septic.

The pain was so great
that I actually

begged them to kill me.

Oh, hi.

Didn't see you there.

Katie, why are you
being like this?

I'm not being
like anything.

You have new people
in your life,

and I've got
new people in mine.

We texted you.
We were on a hike.

We're allowed to
go hiking, Katie.

In fact, we're going
again this afternoon.

Katie, we're allowed
to have lives

outside of
Second Breakfast.

I couldn't agree more.
I have one right here.

Maybe Second Breakfast
is getting in the way

of these other
fantastic lives we have.

Really? Are you
seriously doing this?

Oh, I'm doing it.

This is my new table with
my new friends, Maria and Abbie.

Okay. Oh, well,
if you want to be like that, fine.

Fine!

Then the morphine
kicked in, and, uh,

well, I got
addicted to that.

Please stop.

Ohh, there you are.

I am done
with Second Breakfast!

Doris and Angela are starting
new lives without me.

Well, Anna-Kat finished
her project without me.

I mean, remember this one
I did with Oliver?

We made the Parthenon
out of marshmallows.

Mm.

And here's Taylor's
toothpick Eiffel Tower.

I lit it for Bastille Day.

Working on these
was so fun.

And now it's over.

She was my last kid,

with the last
elementary-school project.

Should we...?

Have another baby?
Sure!

If you want
to carry it.

You know,
if I could, I would.

And I would do
natural childbirth.

I'd want to feel it.

Oh, you'd feel it.

Anna-Kat was 11 pounds.

They had to rebuild
my undercarriage

with a scrunchy
and part of my thigh.

Charming.

Meanwhile, that
11-pound baby just handed in

our project behind my back
with cheap painted-on grass.

She doesn't need me anymore.

I yelled at her.

Enjoy it now, because
when she gets taller,

it's not as fun
to do that.

I think I owe her
an apology.

Hey, you're always
in the wrong.

Can you come with me
and coach me through it?

Sure.

Ohh, look at the detail
on that DNA double helix

made with gumdrops
and Twizzlers.

Hmm.

That's nine years old!

So, about what
happened earlier...

Oh. Apology time.

You're smart
to bring the expert.

You were right.

The fort was perfect
the way you made it.

Except for the...

Don't veer.

Thanks.
It was perfect.

Then why did you
get so upset?

Because we always used to
do your projects together,

and now you can
do them by yourself.

You don't need me.
And I freaked out.

It doesn't mean I don't
need you anymore.

I just... have my own life,
you know?

I know. I know.

I made it about me,
and it's not.

I'm sorry.

Oh, no.

What? I thought that was
a good apology.

I mean, I didn't try to shift
blame or cry, like you said

I should, but I thought
we got to a good place.

No. I've got to go
track down Doris and Angela.

Turns out
I'm to blame again.

Why does this
keep happening?

I'm always in
the wrong place

at the wrong time
being the wrong person.

That one's a project
we'll be working on together

for the rest
of our lives.

Hey! Here it comes!

Oh, we need to
get inside.

Although, I am having
a really great hair day.

Yeah. I caught a glimpse
of myself in the mirror,

and I was like,
"You've grown up real good."

Maybe we should be
in the picture.

Yeah, I could be remembered
forever like this.

Look at my shoes!

You didn't turn off
the hose after

we cleaned up
Luther's poop!

My very-convincing Bernuti
knockoffs are ruined!

Don't be a baby.
It's just mud.

Oh, yeah?

What is wrong with you?!

It's just mud.

Well, this is just me
pushing you into "just mud."

I don't know how this

is any better,
but thanks for the belt.

Maybe this is
a sign Mom's right.

We should try to
get along better.

Eh.

Yeah, I know.
I felt weird saying it.

Ahh, how cute is it
that Jane and Charlie

ran ahead
to set up a picnic?

Well, it'd be much cuter
if they set it up

right about here
so that I wouldn't have to

walk up this hill.

But we're in the new
phase of the relationship,

so I'm all, "Ooh!
A hike! Ooh! A picnic!"

Doris! Angela!

What?
It couldn't be.

Wait up!

Oh.

Oh, God.

Ohh.

- Slow down!
- Mnh-mnh.

I'm wearing the shoes that
I bought at the gas station.

They have very little
arch support.

Guys, I'm on a hike.

This is huge for me.

The last time I was on a hike
was in my dream.

Greg was a platypus
and all my teeth fell out.

I thought we were leading
separate lives, Katie.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.

It's just, you guys met people
and started taking hikes.

And soon there'll be weekend
getaways and game nights,

and Oliver is taller than me.

Just eliminate protein.
That'll slow him down.

I know
I'm not making any sense.

Oh, I think I get
what's happening.

Oliver got taller than you,
and it freaked you out.

Meanwhile, Angela and I
started dating new people,

and things are changing.

And you hate change.

Yeah. That's true.

And you feel like
everyone's moving forward

and you're
being left behind.

Yes!

And then we weren't
there for you...

Through no fault
of our own.

...to help you through
all of this,

which freaked you out
even more.

And so,
like a reasonable adult,

you replaced us with
your child's principal

and his girlfriend.

That sums it up.

On the plus side,

Oliver is growing up,
so he's that much closer

to moving out,
which means

you can turn his bedroom
into a pottery studio.

Right! See?!

This is exactly
what I needed to hear!

I need you guys.

So can we still
have Second Breakfast?

Of course!

We need it now more
than ever because we need

to complain about
the people we're dating.

Oh. I'll start.
I hate hiking.

And if you think Greg's
war reenactments are annoying,

just wait until you hear
about Jane's alcohol problem.

That sounds fun.
I can't wait.

Come on.
Walk to the top with us.

- Yeah.
- I think you know better.

Everything is
changing so fast.

They don't need us
for school projects.

Remember when
they were so tiny?

Hmm.

♪ It's all for you ♪

♪ Do it all, do it all,
do it all again for you ♪

♪ Again for you ♪

♪ It's all for you ♪

♪ Do it all, do it all,
do it all again for you ♪

♪ Again for you ♪

They're gonna be gone
before we know it.

Yeah.
But there's an upside.

As soon as they move
out...

...pottery studio...

home theater...

Hmm.

...Revolutionary War
commemorative plate room.

Ooh!

Look at that.
We're number six on

the Street Pics
top 10 fails list.

How is it possible
we beat out

"Pantsless Granny
Fights Possum"?

Oliver, stand up
and come here.

See?

This is more like it.

I got the upper hand
back, baby!

Doctor says I'm gonna grow
at least four more inches.

Stop eating protein!

And start smoking!

Synchronized by srjanapala