American Housewife (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 15 - In My Room - full transcript

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Are you reading your own
John Stuart Mill book?

I finally convinced the university

to let me teach a class on Mill,

so I'm brushing up
on my favorite anecdotes.

Wrote a history of Rome at age 6

- the scamp.
- That's it.

We're losing the swear jar
and getting a dork jar.

You owe a quarter for "scamp."

I'm getting a hot tub next month.

But it might not get off the ground.

Only a few students
have signed up so far.



You want to fill up the class?

Just teach a subject kids care about.

Like water slides or skateboard fails.

- Good tips. Helpful.
- Uh-huh.

You're still reading "Gone Girl"?

Don't say it like that.

- It's been years!
- Ohh.

You checked that out on my library card.

They're gonna revoke
my microfiche privileges!

Another quarter. And it's not my fault.

Every time I pick it up,
a child interrupts me.

Is my breath really that bad?

What's my Social Security number?

A Nigerian prince needs it.



Mom, is my nose bleeding?

And then there's
the "I can't find my" s.

Mom, I can't find my...

- Backpack.
- Jacket.

- Sneaker.
- Headphones.

- Toothbrush.
- Other sneaker.

- Turtle.
- Sunglasses.

- Lucky socks.
- Keys.

- Cufflinks.
- Lucky earrings.

- Lipstick.
- Ascot.

- Lucky hairband.
- Sunglasses.

- Shoehorn.
- Lucky cough drop.

- Charger.
- Charger.

Lucky charger.

I haven't had a moment to myself

since Taylor kicked out my mucus plug.

Lovely.

One of you has to take me driving.

I need 40 hours to get my license.

I can't even complain
about being interrupted

without being interrupted!

There is nowhere that I can go

to get away from these people.

I decided what I wanted
for my big girl room.

Direct your eyes to my vision board.

It's Jackie O's 5th Avenue Apartment.

I loved her ever since I saw her
in the Zapruder Film.

We don't have money for new furniture,

but you are free to use whatever
you find around the house.

There's a bunch of old furniture
in the basement.

If we don't have any money,

then why does Taylor
have that fancy new hoodie?

Didn't Trip buy that for her?

No. She bought it with the money
she took from your wallet.

Taylor, is that true?

You said I could take a $20, so I did!

Three times.

- I'll pay you back!
- With what?

With my future famous-person money.

Oh! As long as you have a plan.

- Thank you.
- You're grounded.

Why couldn't you mind
your own stupid business?

I'm 10! My business is boring!

If Taylor gets a hoodie,
I want a driving instructor.

Well, we all want things, Oliver.

I want to finish this book
before cataracts

make my eyes explode,

but I don't think that's gonna happen.

That's a library book!

Another quarter.

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Okay, Lonnie, you were 19 years old

and the biggest thing on the Internet.

What did you do with
your first check from YouTube?

I bought a small town in Wyoming
and renamed it "Fartsville."

They just got an Applebee's.

Hey, after work,

can you come with me to the aquarium?

I need you to distract the guards

while I jump into the shark tank.

Why on Earth would you do that?

Got to, bruh.

There's this new guy chomping
at my likes on YouTube,

Johnny Goodwin.

So I have to do something huge,

or Johnny's gonna snake my spot
as most-watched YouTuber.

Look at this. Come here.

Did he just throw a live crocodile

into that man's bath?

That's his dad.

Yeah. He does tons of dad videos.

It's spectacular content, yo.

His dad could have lost any number

of very important body parts.

My pops is not a team player like that,

so I got to go in with the sharks.

I forbid it.

As long as you're spending time
under my roof,

you're not going to do anything stupid.

And before you retort,
let me be clear...

it is not Opposite Day

and will never be Opposite Day.

Hold up.

- You could be my old dude.
- No.

People already know you on my channel

as Professor Badonkadonk.

I'm not crazy about that.

I'm not a Badonkadonk.

I have a normal-sized fanny.

If I'm not getting the most
likes when our book comes out,

that's bad for sales.

- Yeah, but...
- Which is bad for your bonus.

- But...
- Which means...

you spent the last five months with me

getting pelted with paintballs
for no reason.

Yeah, I still don't think...

No reason!

- Ow!
- No reason!

- Ow!
- No reason!

Ow! Okay, I'll help you!

Yeah! The Donks is in!

Come here, let me give
that ginormous ass a slap.

It's not that big!

Oliver wants driving lessons,

and Anna-Kat and Taylor
are at each other's throats.

I don't have a second for myself.

Well, with the divorce and
splitting the kids with Richard,

- all I have is time.
- Me too.

Yesterday, I played "Fortnite"
on my kids' Xbox.

- Oh.
- I had 18 kills,

then I got shot by a 9-year-old
dressed like a banana.

- Ohh.
- Divorce is amazing.

The only downside is that,
if you fall in the shower,

your kids are gonna find you naked.

I'm not divorcing Greg.

Well, I can't help you
with Taylor and...

Anna-Kat.

Yeah, Anna-Kat.

Uh, but I will take Oliver driving.

Thank you, and why?

Yeah, you can't stand him.

Uh, well, he's fun to yell at.

He doesn't cry, but his eyes
get all glisteny like I like.

Oh, dear!

But, seriously, folks,
gorillas are endangered.

Recycle, yo.

Oh, dear!

Yes!

Disclaimer... no humans were harmed

during the filming of this video.

My tailbone.

Oh, [bleep] dear!

Oh, dear.

You gots to be ready
for the second gorilla, Donks.

You gots to!

Forget Johnny Goodwin's dad.

- You are racking up the likes!
- Yeah.

As long as we keep
doing videos like these,

our book sales are going to be
as fat as that ass.

It's normal-sized!

By the way, you don't have
a pacemaker, do you?

You're not tasing me.

You know what? Kate's right...

sometimes, you can be exhausting, bruh.

Where did you get that?

I found it in the basement.

Your dad and I used to have this
in our first apartment,

before we had kids.

Let me get in there.

I loved this chair.

I used to take naps in it
and read books.

Books? Really?

Huh. It's like learning you used
to be a figure skater.

I know it's hard to believe,

but before I had kids,
my brain used to work.

Was there anything else down there?

Oh, yeah. A bunch of other
weird old stuff,

lot of photos and baby junk taking up

perfectly good
fallout-shelter real estate.

There.

Now it looks exactly like
the old studio apartment

Dad and I lived in.

None of this was on my vision board.

And I don't believe Jackie O
had a hot-dog toaster.

When is Doris gonna take me driving?

Mom, there's a party tonight.

Can't you be cool and ground me
some other time?

Hey. You wanna hear the most
beautiful sound in the world?

Yeah.

- Mom!
- Seriously?!

- Mom, it's my room!
- Why can't I go to the party?!

When is Doris gonna take me driving?!

♪ Somebody once told me
the world is gonna roll me ♪

♪ I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed ♪

♪ She was looking kind of dumb ♪

♪ With her finger and her thumb ♪

♪ In the shape of an "L"
on her forehead ♪

♪ Hey, now, you're an all-star ♪

If you have a complaint,
demand, a question

about anything other
than last night's episode

of "The Bachelor," I'm not here!

What's going on in...

This looks like our old apartment.

- Isn't it amazing?
- It is.

Plus...

I saw Lonnie Googling,
"How poisonous are scorpions?"

So it's nice to be
in a safe place right now.

Oh, my God, the tiki bar.

The easy charm of French Polynesia

with none of
the painful colonialist scars.

The lamp I used to hit my head on.

The chair we accidentally made
Taylor in.

The old VCR!

It still has "How to Make an
American Quilt" jammed inside.

I think, of all the group sewing movies,

- that one is my favorite.
- Mm.

So, what does Anna-Kat think
of her new room?

Bup-bup-bup-bup! Hup!

We don't have kids yet, Greg. It's 1999.

My only obligation
is to finally finish this book.

My devil sticks!

I used to rock these.

Hup!

I'm not going through this again.

Wow, you're giving me
driving lessons in a Bentley?

Mm-hmm.

Hey! Stop groping my car, perv!

Get in.

You're not sitting up here with me?

No.

You know I don't like being around you.

Then why did you offer to drive with me?

I'm getting dental work done.

They're putting me under
and say I need someone I know

- to drive me home.
- Why me?

Because the procedure takes three hours,

and I didn't want to make anyone wait.

Your time is worth nothing.

Drive!

Where am I going?

Just get on the Parkway.

Oh, no, I only know how
to drive on regular streets.

- Take the Parkway.
- I'm not ready.

The Parkway!

You're right.
Studies show that screaming

improves both confidence and cognition.

Stop overthinking it and just go!

You're a bully, and I won't be bullied.

I help kids deal with people like you

every day at Teen Help Line.

Ugh! Teen Help Line.

This is how every call should go.

"Thanks for calling Teen Help Line.

Time to sack up, loser!"

I did it!

I finally finished "Gone Girl."

- Well?
- Didn't care for it.

Should have just watched the movie.

At least I would have seen
some Affleck peen.

Should we go back out in the real world?

I have to work on
the John Stuart Mill syllabus

for my three students.

Or we could stay in here a bit longer.

What else did we used to do back then?

We still do that now.

Not the way we used to.

Well, if we're gonna do it that way,

I need 15 minutes to stretch.

I like post-dental surgery Doris.

I've been driving for 10 minutes,

and you haven't pointed out
any of the places

I'm gonna start balding.

I can't believe he just walked out.

He didn't even want to work on it.

The dentist?

What is going on in your mouth?

No. Richard.

Just forget I said anything, okay?

I'm all sideways from the nitrous.

And I might've taken a few
pre-game anti-anxiety pals.

Pills.

No, they're my pals.

If you want to talk about it,
I'm here to listen.

Do not Teen Help Line me,

or I will teen face punch you.

Richard should be driving me home.

He was my
"in case of emergency" contact.

Now you are! Ugh!

And I thought sleeping
with my dog's allergist

was rock bottom...

Why didn't you call my mom or Angela?

I didn't want their pity.

I'm always telling them how divorce

and all the free time I have now
is amazing.

But it's not.

It's really lonely.

Well, the best thing to do
is talk about your feelings.

- You know, get out...
- There's a gun in my glove compartment!

Shoot me with it!

All right.

You were saying?

You may not be able to see it now,

but you're lucky.

You've got close friends.

And if you stop pretending to be
so tough all the time

and open up to them,

I'm confident that, with their help,

you'll be able to move on from Richard

and have a fulfilling, happy life.

Holy crap!

What?!

You're on the Parkway.

Hey, I am.

Guess I was so busy talking to you,

I didn't think about it.

I'm driving on the Parkway.

Now let me give you some advice...

do not do drugs.

But if you do, you should take
whatever I'm on,

because I am feeling gooood.

Since Mom is making you stay in my room,

I guess I have to tell you
I'm sneaking out

to go to that party.

You're grounded.
Mom's not gonna like it.

So you're gonna tattle again?

It's not tattling.
It's just telling Mom the truth.

You need to get on my side.

It goes both ways.

You cover for me, I cover for you.

I don't need you to cover for me.

But eventually you will.

You're gonna want to do things
they don't want you to do.

Like get that Hindenburg tattoo.

"Oh, the humanity"
written amongst the flames.

To do it right, it'd need
to cover my whole back.

Mom's not gonna let you do that.

So when you do it anyways,
you need me on your side.

And the only way I'm gonna do that

is if you're on my side.

Squid pro quo.

- You shouldn't go.
- I have to.

The party is all everyone
will be talking about

at lunch on Monday,
going like, "That was so epic,"

and I'll be like,
"Totes MaGotes Papa Choats,"

and they'll be like, "L."

It's a grown-up thing.
You wouldn't understand.

♪ That's the way I like it
and I never get bored ♪

♪ Hey, now, you're an all-star,
get your game on, go play ♪

♪ Hey, now, you're a rock star,
get the show on, get paid ♪

- ♪ All that glitters is gold ♪
- In here, it is 1999.

- No kids.
- No exes.

- No "Fortnite."
- ♪ Only shooting stars ♪

♪ Break the mold ♪

Seriously, I cannot stop playing.

I haven't gone to work in two days.

Katie?

Be cool.

It's my old man.

Mm.

Hey, honey.

It's midnight. What's going on with you?

You've been locked in that room
for 12 hours.

And yet... I have never felt more free.

Greg, kids are like a 24-hour diner...

once it opens, it never closes.

And you can't skip a shift. Ever.

This room is taking me back

before we opened our diner.

I'm tired.

- And I just need a break.
- I get that.

But just for my own crazy
wanting-to-know-what's-going-on,

how long are you planning
to pretend you don't have kids?

How long did I pretend
my hand was broken

- so you had to do all the cooking?
- Six months.

That sounds about right.

Taylor?

Cover my tables. I'm calling in sick.

What do you think you're doing?

I was just downstairs
getting a midnight snack.

Dressed like that?

Is there anything I could say
that would get me out of this?

I'm taking suggestions.

Go to your room.

I will deal with you in the morning.

She didn't even try
climbing up the trellis.

She just waltzed
right into the front door.

What kind of sneaking is that?

Ohh! That reflects so poorly
on me as a mother.

Katie, you cannot leave me
with 1999 Doris.

She keeps doing the "Wassup" commercial.

- Wassup?!
- See?

I just wanted to take a little break,

but you couldn't let me, could you?

I know what happened.

You saw a little glimmer
of freedom in my eye,

and you couldn't stand it,
and you had to snuff it out!

You're a mother-snuffer!

It wasn't Taylor's fault.

When I was going to bed,

I realized I'd left my jacket
at the park,

so Taylor went to go get it for me.

Then why was she all dressed up?

There was a fashion flash mob
at the same time.

To raise awareness
for the garment industry

working conditions.

How did Taylor know about it?

How did you not know?

Offline Otto over here.

So Taylor went and got my jacket for me.

'Cause that's what sisters do.
They have each other's backs.

That is the most ridiculous...

Okay. Thank you for clearing that up.

Very nice of you, Taylor.
Saved me a trip.

- You're welcome.
- Mm-hmm.

Are you still drunk?

A little.

Listen, I've got some good news

and bad news.

Okay, let's start with the good news.

Anna-Kat was covering for Taylor.

She has never done that before.

Don't you see what this means?

I have some ideas, but I sense

you really just want to say your thing.

The kids are starting
to take care of one another.

If I'm not available,

they will turn to each other and not me.

That means I get more breaks!

I'm gonna go check on Doris.

She went pretty hard last night,
passed out.

Wait, what's the bad news?

Anna-Kat is a terrible liar.

Once again, this reflects poorly
on me as a mother.

- Aah!
- Oh, dear!

Ah!

Come on, Lonnie!

You've done this same prank
so many times!

No, this one's totally different.

I'm a lady gorilla.
Didn't you notice the bikini?

The future is female, bruh.

I'm not doing your videos anymore.

The book isn't worth it.
I'm a respected educator.

My job is to make the world smarter.

These videos are clearly
only making it dumber.

So, enough is enough.

I'm Professor Otto,
not Professor Badonkadonk!

Don't worry, folks. He doesn't mean it.

It's Opposite Day.

I said it would never be Opposite Day!

Yeah, but you said it on Opposite Day!

You did some damage last night.

I'm miserable being divorced.

I had a feeling.

- Why didn't you say something?
- Pbht!

You know that I'm here for you.

Yeah. I do.

Okay.

Look, I know you said
no kid talk last night...

- Mhmm.
- But I want to tell you something,

and this isn't easy for me to say...

Oliver is really becoming...

less hateable.

Are you trying to tell me

that you are starting to like him?

No. Never!

I'm just saying he's... detestable lite.

I was in a bad way yesterday,

and he really helped me
through something.

Parenting is such a grind,

but then someone comes along
and tells you

that your son is a good kid...

I never said "good kid."

It makes you not want to pretend

that you don't have them anymore.

I'm glad I could help.

Now I really got to do something
about this hangover.

Oliver, quit doing gross boy stuff!

I need you to drive me to Taco Bell!

You're here for John Stuart Mill:

An Intro to Utilitarianism?

Damn straight!

Okay.

Wow.

Well, welcome, everyone.

Dude, say, "Oh, dear!"

Oh.

My name is Professor Otto.

- This sucks.
- Let's get outta here.

The cornerstone of Mill's philosophy

is the greatest happiness

for the greatest number of people

should be the guiding principle
of any conduct.

With that in mind,

I give you...

Badonkadonk!

Date my mom, Professor Badonkadonk!

Whoo! Badonkadonk!

Let's get started.

I think this is the last
of your old stuff.

Sorry I stole your room
for a little while.

It's okay, Mom.

Mood swings are very common
for a woman your age,

as well as hot flashes and...

Anna-Kat, I'm not even 40!

...irritability.

Moving on.

Dad and I talked about it,

and we are going to find a way
to buy you some of that stuff

that you want for your big girl room.

- Are you serious?
- Mm-hmm.

Thanks, Mom.

I don't care what anyone else says...

I think you're handling
menopause with a lot of grace.

Well, I guess in the end,

I married the person I thought
my parents wanted me to marry.

Not the man I wanted to marry.

I thought you were supposed to
talk to my mom about this stuff.

Well, she doesn't always have
the best advice.

Plus, she doesn't know anything
about divorce.

And I do?

Well, you're very familiar
with loneliness, I imagine.

For your information,
I am single by choice.

Yeah, other people's choice.

I see you're feeling better.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com