American Housewife (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 11 - One Step Forward, Three Steps Back - full transcript
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As soon as you guys are done,
the kitchen is mine.
I have to have eight lasagnas
by 2:00 p.m.
Where are my oven mitts?
You can use my puppets
if you want, Mrs. A.
Can you French braid my hair
before school today?
Honey, I can't,
but we'll do it tomorrow.
You said that yesterday.
I'm sorry. I'm swamped.
Go upstairs and grab your backpack.
Hey. I need to talk to you
about something.
No time to talk.
What happened to my spatula?
Everybody needs to go.
Trip, take Taylor to school.
Oh, we're actually not driving together.
Since I'm going to college
next year, Trip and I
are gonna practice being
in a long-distance relationship.
We decided that we're not gonna see
each other for the next few weeks,
so this is goodbye for a while.
Mm-hmm.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
Bye-bye.
I'll always have you in here.
And I have you in here,
and I want you out there!
Oh, my God! Lonnie Spears!
Aah!
Is this Greg's house?
Lonnie Spears knows your dad's name?
How cool is that?!
Katie, this is what I wanted
to talk to you about.
This is the YouTuber that I'm
ghostwriting the autobiography for.
It's nice to meet you, Katie.
Why is that funny?
I don't know.
Hey, I forgot my phone charger.
You got one I can use?
Yeah, there's one by the TV.
Parkour!
Jump!
Why is that idiot in our house?
Just so you know,
that idiot has
20 million Instagram followers
and is a multi-millionaire.
- He's rich?
- Mm.
Our kids are idiots, too,
and they're not earning a dime.
Katie, I need material for this book,
but I can't get Lonnie to talk
about anything substantial.
I brought him here because I thought
putting him in a calmer
environment might help.
You sell lasagnas, right?
You ever think about putting
fake eyeballs in it as a prank?
It would be hilarious.
Your generation is truly the worst.
Nah, dawg. We made GIFs.
Greatest generation ever.
Yeet!
Can you please take him to your office?
We can't work in there
because you've turned it
into your supply closet.
Boxes of tomato paste
on every free surface
do not create
a professional environment.
I can't believe you're saying that,
because my office is
where everybody hangs out,
and I can't get anything done.
Oh, my God.
She's doing that thing
with the stairs again.
Could her OCD be back?
Your daughter would make
a cool Boomerang video.
I wouldn't even need to loop it.
You know that video you showed me
when you teased that bear
with a Slim Jim?
Uh-huh.
She's the bear.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
04x11 - One Step Forward, Three Steps Back
Hey, did you say anything
to Anna-Kat in the car?
Of course not.
You made me take Lonnie with me
to drop her off at school.
He had her filming him
with his head out the window
so his cheeks flapped like a dog.
Is she back to her old behavior?
It might be a one-time thing, right?
Yeah.
Or she was just doing a little dance.
Of course.
There's no reason to overreact.
Oh, no.
I don't know whether to sit down and cry
or let her have a go at the junk drawer.
Hey, I'm heading to Sam Beckett's
helicopter christening.
You sure you don't want to come?
I can't. I'm about to start
my first day at Teen Help Line.
They're putting me on the phones.
Dude! You should call yourself,
because your life is tragic!
I know.
It's the last place I want to be.
But it's gonna help me get into Harvard.
Oh, I've got to go.
Don't sweat it, amigo.
It's helicopter christening season,
so you can always catch the next one.
Before we get started,
I want to make sure you're comfortable.
Well, it is a little chilly in here.
Mm. I hear you. You're feeling cold.
We will get through this.
I can just put on a sweater.
You seem to have found a solution.
Your ability to succeed is endless.
You have the opposite vibe of my mom.
Oh.
I just want to warn you,
some of the calls
that you're gonna take
might be a little tough.
You know, people seem to think
that the kids in Westport
don't have any problems,
but they need as much guidance and help
as all the other kids in the world.
Except for the kids in Denmark.
That's just a country of happy people.
No one knows why.
I'll just stick
to the script you gave me,
and if things get weird,
I'll put the caller on hold
and find a supervisor.
You did it again.
Came up with your own solution.
I learn more from you
than you learn from me.
- It's starting to feel that way.
- Mm.
Ooh. Here we go!
Hello? This is Teen Help Line.
I'm here to listen.
What's on your mind today?
Hi. I-I'm really upset.
Okay, well, maybe if you talk about it,
it won't seem so bad.
Yeah, okay.
I got this new Porsche
because I did really well
on my report card.
- Go on.
- But...
But it has red brake calipers
and not the yellow ones.
Okay, we're going to work with you
and find a way to make you feel better.
Okay.
Try to think of the good things
you have in your life.
Like getting a Porsche instead
of having your report card
stuck to the fridge with a weak magnet
until it slowly sinks to the floor.
I thought that we were over this,
and then we opened the door
to Anna-Kat's room.
It was like somebody
put OCD in a Coke can,
shook it up, and sprayed it everywhere.
That's surprising.
She hasn't exhibited any
of the old behavior at school.
In fact, she's getting shining
reports from her teachers.
She's thriving here.
Is there anything different at home?
Not really.
I mean, I started a business.
But I'm working from home,
so everything is pretty much the same.
Well, if I had to think
of something, I would say
that Katie's fuse has been
a lot shorter than usual.
Oh, I just remembered a big change
that is about to happen at home.
Greg is moving out.
I can't believe you think
that this is my fault.
Your fuse is short, too,
constantly chasing that
dumb Donnie around the house.
- Dumb Lonnie.
- Correction...
Greg is not only moving out,
he's gone missing.
- Nobody knows where he is.
- Okay, you know what?
Maybe Anna-Kat is picking up on
a little bit of...
tension between you two.
I mean, I feel it, and I've only
been with you for three minutes.
She may be using old behavior
to comfort herself.
Ah, I feel terrible.
I'm going to talk to her.
I-I think bringing up
the OCD behavior to Anna-Kat
will only exacerbate it.
But I would recommend curbing
the bickering around her.
Try and keep things calm.
As much as you can...
being... who you are.
So, Dr. Ellie said that Greg
and I need to stop bickering
because we might be triggering Anna-Kat.
Ugh! I say bicker away.
Fighting means there's still passion.
Wait. You and Richard
fought all the time,
and your marriage fell apart.
Yeah, in some cases, fighting
just means you hate each other.
Normally, we don't argue
because we're united
by a common enemy...
the kids.
But since we're both working
out of the house,
we're driving each other nuts.
I have a tip to stay calm.
I give it to all my clients
who are on the stand,
being provoked by opposing counsel.
I tell them to count to five
before answering
so they don't respond impulsively.
Huh.
That doesn't sound like I have to change
anything fundamental about myself.
I'll give it a try.
Oh. Yeah, you should.
Because if it's hard out there
being single for me... whoo!
for you, it's gonna be...
Go ahead.
I want to hear it.
Look at you, bringing a Doris
to a Katie fight,
like a damn fool.
How was Teen Help Line?
It was actually pretty easy.
All the calls were
such Westport problems.
One caller was upset
because a classmate had
the same Prada sweater.
Another caller wanted
to run away from home
because her parents didn't get Beyoncé
to perform at her Sweet Sixteen.
They got Ashanti.
I don't know how you deal with
that much trauma in one night.
There. Four lasagnas done.
And I know I'm not
supposed to say this, but...
you're my favorite.
Thanks, Mom.
Oh, I wasn't...
Believe what you want.
So, how is the trial long-distance
thing going with Trip?
Good. It's actually a lot easier
than I thought it was gonna be.
Hi, Mrs. A!
No wonder it's easy.
It isn't a real separation
if you're constantly
seeing each other on the phone.
Well, that's how
it's gonna be in college.
We can FaceTime whenever we want.
You won't have time for that.
You're going to be going to classes
and out at the bars with new friends,
walking home drunk and stumbling
into the wrong house,
eating a stranger's fried chicken.
God, I miss college.
So, tell me more about your parents.
I mean, more than just "They cool."
Oh! Zag!
Okay. We'll put a pin in that.
So far, we've put a pin
in your childhood,
a pin in how you started your career,
but we've talked endlessly
about how tall I am
and how I flare my nostrils
when I speak.
Yeah. It's crazy, man.
It's like talking to a horse.
Right.
These are for customers!
What do you think you're doing?
Acting on impulse.
It's part of my charm.
Greg, this kitchen is my office.
How am I supposed to work if...
One, two, three, four, five.
Honey, would you keep Lonnie
out of the kitchen?
These are pre-paid orders,
and they took me all morning to make.
One, two, three, four, five.
I've been trying to keep him
in my office, but I couldn't
with all your lasagna
ingredients stored in there.
On a sidenote,
do I flare my nose like a horse?
One, two, three, four, five.
Do you think I have time to look
at your ginormous nostrils?
I'm trying to run a business here.
One, two, three, four, five.
But I can't, because
you can't control Lonnie.
One, three, five. I'm trying.
And we were almost on a roll,
but then you came in
to get a crate of tomatoes,
and all he could talk about
was how ripe the tomatoes need to be
to make the perfect splat when
he throws them off a building.
One, five! You're driving me crazy!
Five!
I got nothing. Just five!
How you doing, sweetie?
- We're not fighting.
- No.
We're just having fun with numbers.
Numbers are fun.
Mnh.
Mm.
Mm.
One, two, three, four, five.
We suck at this.
Oliver, I'm gonna have to
step away for a bit.
My stomach is rumbling,
and I want to honor it.
So you're going to get a snack.
Thank you for hearing me.
Are you gonna be okay
to take phone calls on your own
while I'm gone?
Oh, yeah, I should be good.
The only call I've gotten today
is from a girl who's sad
her diamond studs
make her ears look tiny.
Hello? This is Teen Help Line.
I'm here to listen. What do you
want to talk about today?
I don't know.
I just wanted to talk to someone.
Things are kind of bad.
Well, maybe I can help.
Is it about a designer sweater
or a Beyoncé no-show?
Did you vacation
in the U.S. Virgin Islands
instead of the British ones?
I just feel, uh...
...it's all too much.
I'm... I'm lost. Uh...
Are you still there?
Yes, I'm still here.
I've been in a bad place lately.
I hear that. I hear that.
Please keep going.
The funny thing is,
people think I'm Superman,
but I'm not.
They don't get that I just
don't want to do this anymore.
I think I want out.
Out of what?
School? This call?
Supervisor?
Can you hold on for just one second?
I have to go.
W-Wait. Please promise me
you're gonna call back.
Okay. Okay.
Hello? Is this you?
Hi. My parents are so abusive.
They bought me a dog,
but it isn't a purebred!
Go fish.
Do you have any... 7s?
Yeah, I do. Two.
Oh, I don't think this is gonna work.
Hey, Kate?
Your husband's fancy pen
spit ink all over me.
Where's the washing machine?
In your own home, hopefully.
You are way more fun than your husband.
I'm guessing that's not the
first time you've heard that.
That is not okay to say.
But no, it's not the first time.
No, you hang up first.
What's up, my man?!
Oh, my God! We look so funny!
Dogs can't use phones, so I can't laugh,
because it doesn't make any sense.
I look fantastic.
You really do.
Greg?
Come look at this.
If it's another neighbor
throwing a party
we're not invited to,
you have to accept it.
- We're not well-liked.
- No!
It's Anna-Kat.
She is combing the front lawn.
What?
Oh, God.
I thought we were past this.
She's getting worse.
And we haven't even argued today.
I don't think this has anything
to do with tension between us.
There has to be another reason.
We have to find out why.
She's coming in.
What is the payoff to being a parent?
Are we doing all of this
just so somebody will
hold our hands on our deathbeds?
Because a nice, cheerful nurse
would be fine.
Hi, honey.
Did you have a nice time playing?
- Are you hungry? Do you need a snack?
- Mm-hmm?
So, that's what we're talking about?
How about the fact that I'm out there
combing our lawn, like a loon?
You're not gonna say anything
about that?
What?
What do I have to do to get
you guys to pay attention to me?
I'm running out of ideas!
Anna-Kat!
- So it wasn't about us arguing.
- Ha!
I knew Dr. Ellie didn't know what
the hell she was talking about.
In your face, Dr. Ellie!
You know this is still on us.
It can still be on us
and in her face, Greg.
Honey, what is going on?
Were you pretending to have OCD?
You had us scared to death.
I just missed the attention
I used to get.
When I was a weirdo,
you guys were all over me.
We realize we've been busy lately.
Mom especially, since she's
starting a business in our home.
And your Dad is writing a book.
About an idiot.
Are we doing this now?
You're right.
Let's save it for date night.
We love you more than anything
in this world,
so thinking that you were
backsliding had us worried sick.
And we're sorry we haven't been
giving you enough attention.
But you were faking OCD,
and that's not okay.
I'm sorry.
Well, you don't get attention
like you used to
because you don't need it
as much anymore.
And I know it's hard, but you changed,
and that's a good thing.
Doesn't feel that way.
I know, baby. Change is hard.
But don't worry.
When you're a teenager, you're bound
to do horrible, stupid things
and get all the attention you want.
She's right, dude.
And sometimes you become
a millionaire because of it.
Parkour!
Idiot.
Your family moved 6 times
before you were 10,
so you were the new kid a lot, huh?
What was that like?
Dude, check this out.
I put fake eyeballs in Katie's lasagna.
Ulp! She's gonna think it's hilarious.
Oh, I think if you do that,
the next eyeball in lasagna
will be yours.
Oh, my God, Trip.
What are you doing here?
We're not supposed to see each other.
I know the real reason why you wanted
this fake separation so much.
You wanted to be with Lonnie.
What are you talking about?
You're over here video-chatting me
while you guys have puppy noses
and high-pitched voices,
and it was adorable.
Now I see how it is when we're apart...
you drop me for the first
cute guy that comes along.
Oh! Thanks, man.
I think you're cute, too.
Mr. A, it happened under your roof?
- I thought we were bros!
- We are forever bros!
There is nothing going on
between me and Lonnie.
I can't believe you don't trust me.
How are we gonna make things
work when I go to college?
Or can we?
I don't know.
Maybe we can't.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
Trip, I totally get
why you're freaking out.
And I get why you're upset, too.
You two can do the long-distance thing,
but you're gonna have to
trust each other.
Because I know what happens
when you don't.
My dad used to have to go
out of town a lot for business,
and my mother was always worried
that he was fooling around
on her... which was crazy,
because my dad was, like,
hella skinny, bald,
had mad psoriasis.
What's psoriasis?
I think it's those guys in Syria
with the beards.
There was just no way my dad
would ever cheat on my mom.
But she didn't trust him.
And she got so sad when he was gone.
That's why I started doing
practical-joke videos.
I just wanted to make her laugh.
I've been trying to get you
to open up to me for weeks,
and the closest you've come
is showing me the X-rays
from when you swallowed a robot
for one of your videos.
It's Optimus Prime, bro.
He's a Transformer.
Whatever! Let's get this down! Come on!
Yeah, I'll... I'll be right there.
You guys have to trust each other,
and you'll be fine.
I'm really sorry, babe.
I totally overreacted.
We've got to work on this trust thing.
I'll start.
Oh, my God!
You didn't catch me.
Are you okay? What day is it?
Still today, right?
You're good.
Mom?
I've got a big problem.
Get in the car.
I've got cash in the trunk.
I'll take you wherever you need to go.
No, I'm not playing.
I got a call at Teen Help Line today.
The guy seemed to be in real trouble.
Oh, no. Honey. I'm so sorry.
I tried to help him, but he hung up.
I told the counselor right away,
but there was no way to find the caller.
I just feel so helpless.
What?
Look at you caring.
It's like your soul
is going through puberty.
What do I do?
Just got to wait.
Hopefully, he calls back.
Just sit and wait? How can I do that?
It's so awful not knowing.
Oh, I get that.
That is what moms do all the time.
- Hilarious.
- What?
Lonnie put an eyeball in your lasagna.
Why?
Why is that hilarious?
Hey, Mom, do you want
to play "Monopoly"?
Sweetie, I wish I could,
but I'm busy right now.
Oh. Okay.
I understand.
But you could help me
make lasagna if you want.
That way, we can work together.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
We get a little mother/daughter time,
and you get free child labor.
That's not how I'm looking at it.
Aren't you?
A little bit.
- Okay, sprinkle it real nice.
- Aah!
Okay. Like... Like snow?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Aah! It's snowing!
- Yeah!
Wah!
Hey, boys. I made you some lunch.
Thanks, girl.
No, no, no, no. This piece is yours.
What'd you do to it?
Nothing.
Come on. You're pranking me back.
What'd you put in it?
Mousetrap? Ex-Lax? Thumbtack?
I've done 'em all. It's my job, yo.
If you think I have the time
to make a prank lasagna,
you're out of your mind. Take a bite.
Sure.
Even better.
You knew I was gonna do that.
Mm.
Dude, I'm throwing this in the garbage.
So, what'd you put in it?
What's the prank?
There is none. But now I'm in his head.
I never have to feed that dope again.
That's how Katie Otto rolls. Yeet!
Oh, Greg, sweetie, no. Just no.
- Yee...
- Don't do it.
- Yeet!
- Stop!
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
---
As soon as you guys are done,
the kitchen is mine.
I have to have eight lasagnas
by 2:00 p.m.
Where are my oven mitts?
You can use my puppets
if you want, Mrs. A.
Can you French braid my hair
before school today?
Honey, I can't,
but we'll do it tomorrow.
You said that yesterday.
I'm sorry. I'm swamped.
Go upstairs and grab your backpack.
Hey. I need to talk to you
about something.
No time to talk.
What happened to my spatula?
Everybody needs to go.
Trip, take Taylor to school.
Oh, we're actually not driving together.
Since I'm going to college
next year, Trip and I
are gonna practice being
in a long-distance relationship.
We decided that we're not gonna see
each other for the next few weeks,
so this is goodbye for a while.
Mm-hmm.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
Bye-bye.
I'll always have you in here.
And I have you in here,
and I want you out there!
Oh, my God! Lonnie Spears!
Aah!
Is this Greg's house?
Lonnie Spears knows your dad's name?
How cool is that?!
Katie, this is what I wanted
to talk to you about.
This is the YouTuber that I'm
ghostwriting the autobiography for.
It's nice to meet you, Katie.
Why is that funny?
I don't know.
Hey, I forgot my phone charger.
You got one I can use?
Yeah, there's one by the TV.
Parkour!
Jump!
Why is that idiot in our house?
Just so you know,
that idiot has
20 million Instagram followers
and is a multi-millionaire.
- He's rich?
- Mm.
Our kids are idiots, too,
and they're not earning a dime.
Katie, I need material for this book,
but I can't get Lonnie to talk
about anything substantial.
I brought him here because I thought
putting him in a calmer
environment might help.
You sell lasagnas, right?
You ever think about putting
fake eyeballs in it as a prank?
It would be hilarious.
Your generation is truly the worst.
Nah, dawg. We made GIFs.
Greatest generation ever.
Yeet!
Can you please take him to your office?
We can't work in there
because you've turned it
into your supply closet.
Boxes of tomato paste
on every free surface
do not create
a professional environment.
I can't believe you're saying that,
because my office is
where everybody hangs out,
and I can't get anything done.
Oh, my God.
She's doing that thing
with the stairs again.
Could her OCD be back?
Your daughter would make
a cool Boomerang video.
I wouldn't even need to loop it.
You know that video you showed me
when you teased that bear
with a Slim Jim?
Uh-huh.
She's the bear.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
04x11 - One Step Forward, Three Steps Back
Hey, did you say anything
to Anna-Kat in the car?
Of course not.
You made me take Lonnie with me
to drop her off at school.
He had her filming him
with his head out the window
so his cheeks flapped like a dog.
Is she back to her old behavior?
It might be a one-time thing, right?
Yeah.
Or she was just doing a little dance.
Of course.
There's no reason to overreact.
Oh, no.
I don't know whether to sit down and cry
or let her have a go at the junk drawer.
Hey, I'm heading to Sam Beckett's
helicopter christening.
You sure you don't want to come?
I can't. I'm about to start
my first day at Teen Help Line.
They're putting me on the phones.
Dude! You should call yourself,
because your life is tragic!
I know.
It's the last place I want to be.
But it's gonna help me get into Harvard.
Oh, I've got to go.
Don't sweat it, amigo.
It's helicopter christening season,
so you can always catch the next one.
Before we get started,
I want to make sure you're comfortable.
Well, it is a little chilly in here.
Mm. I hear you. You're feeling cold.
We will get through this.
I can just put on a sweater.
You seem to have found a solution.
Your ability to succeed is endless.
You have the opposite vibe of my mom.
Oh.
I just want to warn you,
some of the calls
that you're gonna take
might be a little tough.
You know, people seem to think
that the kids in Westport
don't have any problems,
but they need as much guidance and help
as all the other kids in the world.
Except for the kids in Denmark.
That's just a country of happy people.
No one knows why.
I'll just stick
to the script you gave me,
and if things get weird,
I'll put the caller on hold
and find a supervisor.
You did it again.
Came up with your own solution.
I learn more from you
than you learn from me.
- It's starting to feel that way.
- Mm.
Ooh. Here we go!
Hello? This is Teen Help Line.
I'm here to listen.
What's on your mind today?
Hi. I-I'm really upset.
Okay, well, maybe if you talk about it,
it won't seem so bad.
Yeah, okay.
I got this new Porsche
because I did really well
on my report card.
- Go on.
- But...
But it has red brake calipers
and not the yellow ones.
Okay, we're going to work with you
and find a way to make you feel better.
Okay.
Try to think of the good things
you have in your life.
Like getting a Porsche instead
of having your report card
stuck to the fridge with a weak magnet
until it slowly sinks to the floor.
I thought that we were over this,
and then we opened the door
to Anna-Kat's room.
It was like somebody
put OCD in a Coke can,
shook it up, and sprayed it everywhere.
That's surprising.
She hasn't exhibited any
of the old behavior at school.
In fact, she's getting shining
reports from her teachers.
She's thriving here.
Is there anything different at home?
Not really.
I mean, I started a business.
But I'm working from home,
so everything is pretty much the same.
Well, if I had to think
of something, I would say
that Katie's fuse has been
a lot shorter than usual.
Oh, I just remembered a big change
that is about to happen at home.
Greg is moving out.
I can't believe you think
that this is my fault.
Your fuse is short, too,
constantly chasing that
dumb Donnie around the house.
- Dumb Lonnie.
- Correction...
Greg is not only moving out,
he's gone missing.
- Nobody knows where he is.
- Okay, you know what?
Maybe Anna-Kat is picking up on
a little bit of...
tension between you two.
I mean, I feel it, and I've only
been with you for three minutes.
She may be using old behavior
to comfort herself.
Ah, I feel terrible.
I'm going to talk to her.
I-I think bringing up
the OCD behavior to Anna-Kat
will only exacerbate it.
But I would recommend curbing
the bickering around her.
Try and keep things calm.
As much as you can...
being... who you are.
So, Dr. Ellie said that Greg
and I need to stop bickering
because we might be triggering Anna-Kat.
Ugh! I say bicker away.
Fighting means there's still passion.
Wait. You and Richard
fought all the time,
and your marriage fell apart.
Yeah, in some cases, fighting
just means you hate each other.
Normally, we don't argue
because we're united
by a common enemy...
the kids.
But since we're both working
out of the house,
we're driving each other nuts.
I have a tip to stay calm.
I give it to all my clients
who are on the stand,
being provoked by opposing counsel.
I tell them to count to five
before answering
so they don't respond impulsively.
Huh.
That doesn't sound like I have to change
anything fundamental about myself.
I'll give it a try.
Oh. Yeah, you should.
Because if it's hard out there
being single for me... whoo!
for you, it's gonna be...
Go ahead.
I want to hear it.
Look at you, bringing a Doris
to a Katie fight,
like a damn fool.
How was Teen Help Line?
It was actually pretty easy.
All the calls were
such Westport problems.
One caller was upset
because a classmate had
the same Prada sweater.
Another caller wanted
to run away from home
because her parents didn't get Beyoncé
to perform at her Sweet Sixteen.
They got Ashanti.
I don't know how you deal with
that much trauma in one night.
There. Four lasagnas done.
And I know I'm not
supposed to say this, but...
you're my favorite.
Thanks, Mom.
Oh, I wasn't...
Believe what you want.
So, how is the trial long-distance
thing going with Trip?
Good. It's actually a lot easier
than I thought it was gonna be.
Hi, Mrs. A!
No wonder it's easy.
It isn't a real separation
if you're constantly
seeing each other on the phone.
Well, that's how
it's gonna be in college.
We can FaceTime whenever we want.
You won't have time for that.
You're going to be going to classes
and out at the bars with new friends,
walking home drunk and stumbling
into the wrong house,
eating a stranger's fried chicken.
God, I miss college.
So, tell me more about your parents.
I mean, more than just "They cool."
Oh! Zag!
Okay. We'll put a pin in that.
So far, we've put a pin
in your childhood,
a pin in how you started your career,
but we've talked endlessly
about how tall I am
and how I flare my nostrils
when I speak.
Yeah. It's crazy, man.
It's like talking to a horse.
Right.
These are for customers!
What do you think you're doing?
Acting on impulse.
It's part of my charm.
Greg, this kitchen is my office.
How am I supposed to work if...
One, two, three, four, five.
Honey, would you keep Lonnie
out of the kitchen?
These are pre-paid orders,
and they took me all morning to make.
One, two, three, four, five.
I've been trying to keep him
in my office, but I couldn't
with all your lasagna
ingredients stored in there.
On a sidenote,
do I flare my nose like a horse?
One, two, three, four, five.
Do you think I have time to look
at your ginormous nostrils?
I'm trying to run a business here.
One, two, three, four, five.
But I can't, because
you can't control Lonnie.
One, three, five. I'm trying.
And we were almost on a roll,
but then you came in
to get a crate of tomatoes,
and all he could talk about
was how ripe the tomatoes need to be
to make the perfect splat when
he throws them off a building.
One, five! You're driving me crazy!
Five!
I got nothing. Just five!
How you doing, sweetie?
- We're not fighting.
- No.
We're just having fun with numbers.
Numbers are fun.
Mnh.
Mm.
Mm.
One, two, three, four, five.
We suck at this.
Oliver, I'm gonna have to
step away for a bit.
My stomach is rumbling,
and I want to honor it.
So you're going to get a snack.
Thank you for hearing me.
Are you gonna be okay
to take phone calls on your own
while I'm gone?
Oh, yeah, I should be good.
The only call I've gotten today
is from a girl who's sad
her diamond studs
make her ears look tiny.
Hello? This is Teen Help Line.
I'm here to listen. What do you
want to talk about today?
I don't know.
I just wanted to talk to someone.
Things are kind of bad.
Well, maybe I can help.
Is it about a designer sweater
or a Beyoncé no-show?
Did you vacation
in the U.S. Virgin Islands
instead of the British ones?
I just feel, uh...
...it's all too much.
I'm... I'm lost. Uh...
Are you still there?
Yes, I'm still here.
I've been in a bad place lately.
I hear that. I hear that.
Please keep going.
The funny thing is,
people think I'm Superman,
but I'm not.
They don't get that I just
don't want to do this anymore.
I think I want out.
Out of what?
School? This call?
Supervisor?
Can you hold on for just one second?
I have to go.
W-Wait. Please promise me
you're gonna call back.
Okay. Okay.
Hello? Is this you?
Hi. My parents are so abusive.
They bought me a dog,
but it isn't a purebred!
Go fish.
Do you have any... 7s?
Yeah, I do. Two.
Oh, I don't think this is gonna work.
Hey, Kate?
Your husband's fancy pen
spit ink all over me.
Where's the washing machine?
In your own home, hopefully.
You are way more fun than your husband.
I'm guessing that's not the
first time you've heard that.
That is not okay to say.
But no, it's not the first time.
No, you hang up first.
What's up, my man?!
Oh, my God! We look so funny!
Dogs can't use phones, so I can't laugh,
because it doesn't make any sense.
I look fantastic.
You really do.
Greg?
Come look at this.
If it's another neighbor
throwing a party
we're not invited to,
you have to accept it.
- We're not well-liked.
- No!
It's Anna-Kat.
She is combing the front lawn.
What?
Oh, God.
I thought we were past this.
She's getting worse.
And we haven't even argued today.
I don't think this has anything
to do with tension between us.
There has to be another reason.
We have to find out why.
She's coming in.
What is the payoff to being a parent?
Are we doing all of this
just so somebody will
hold our hands on our deathbeds?
Because a nice, cheerful nurse
would be fine.
Hi, honey.
Did you have a nice time playing?
- Are you hungry? Do you need a snack?
- Mm-hmm?
So, that's what we're talking about?
How about the fact that I'm out there
combing our lawn, like a loon?
You're not gonna say anything
about that?
What?
What do I have to do to get
you guys to pay attention to me?
I'm running out of ideas!
Anna-Kat!
- So it wasn't about us arguing.
- Ha!
I knew Dr. Ellie didn't know what
the hell she was talking about.
In your face, Dr. Ellie!
You know this is still on us.
It can still be on us
and in her face, Greg.
Honey, what is going on?
Were you pretending to have OCD?
You had us scared to death.
I just missed the attention
I used to get.
When I was a weirdo,
you guys were all over me.
We realize we've been busy lately.
Mom especially, since she's
starting a business in our home.
And your Dad is writing a book.
About an idiot.
Are we doing this now?
You're right.
Let's save it for date night.
We love you more than anything
in this world,
so thinking that you were
backsliding had us worried sick.
And we're sorry we haven't been
giving you enough attention.
But you were faking OCD,
and that's not okay.
I'm sorry.
Well, you don't get attention
like you used to
because you don't need it
as much anymore.
And I know it's hard, but you changed,
and that's a good thing.
Doesn't feel that way.
I know, baby. Change is hard.
But don't worry.
When you're a teenager, you're bound
to do horrible, stupid things
and get all the attention you want.
She's right, dude.
And sometimes you become
a millionaire because of it.
Parkour!
Idiot.
Your family moved 6 times
before you were 10,
so you were the new kid a lot, huh?
What was that like?
Dude, check this out.
I put fake eyeballs in Katie's lasagna.
Ulp! She's gonna think it's hilarious.
Oh, I think if you do that,
the next eyeball in lasagna
will be yours.
Oh, my God, Trip.
What are you doing here?
We're not supposed to see each other.
I know the real reason why you wanted
this fake separation so much.
You wanted to be with Lonnie.
What are you talking about?
You're over here video-chatting me
while you guys have puppy noses
and high-pitched voices,
and it was adorable.
Now I see how it is when we're apart...
you drop me for the first
cute guy that comes along.
Oh! Thanks, man.
I think you're cute, too.
Mr. A, it happened under your roof?
- I thought we were bros!
- We are forever bros!
There is nothing going on
between me and Lonnie.
I can't believe you don't trust me.
How are we gonna make things
work when I go to college?
Or can we?
I don't know.
Maybe we can't.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
Trip, I totally get
why you're freaking out.
And I get why you're upset, too.
You two can do the long-distance thing,
but you're gonna have to
trust each other.
Because I know what happens
when you don't.
My dad used to have to go
out of town a lot for business,
and my mother was always worried
that he was fooling around
on her... which was crazy,
because my dad was, like,
hella skinny, bald,
had mad psoriasis.
What's psoriasis?
I think it's those guys in Syria
with the beards.
There was just no way my dad
would ever cheat on my mom.
But she didn't trust him.
And she got so sad when he was gone.
That's why I started doing
practical-joke videos.
I just wanted to make her laugh.
I've been trying to get you
to open up to me for weeks,
and the closest you've come
is showing me the X-rays
from when you swallowed a robot
for one of your videos.
It's Optimus Prime, bro.
He's a Transformer.
Whatever! Let's get this down! Come on!
Yeah, I'll... I'll be right there.
You guys have to trust each other,
and you'll be fine.
I'm really sorry, babe.
I totally overreacted.
We've got to work on this trust thing.
I'll start.
Oh, my God!
You didn't catch me.
Are you okay? What day is it?
Still today, right?
You're good.
Mom?
I've got a big problem.
Get in the car.
I've got cash in the trunk.
I'll take you wherever you need to go.
No, I'm not playing.
I got a call at Teen Help Line today.
The guy seemed to be in real trouble.
Oh, no. Honey. I'm so sorry.
I tried to help him, but he hung up.
I told the counselor right away,
but there was no way to find the caller.
I just feel so helpless.
What?
Look at you caring.
It's like your soul
is going through puberty.
What do I do?
Just got to wait.
Hopefully, he calls back.
Just sit and wait? How can I do that?
It's so awful not knowing.
Oh, I get that.
That is what moms do all the time.
- Hilarious.
- What?
Lonnie put an eyeball in your lasagna.
Why?
Why is that hilarious?
Hey, Mom, do you want
to play "Monopoly"?
Sweetie, I wish I could,
but I'm busy right now.
Oh. Okay.
I understand.
But you could help me
make lasagna if you want.
That way, we can work together.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
We get a little mother/daughter time,
and you get free child labor.
That's not how I'm looking at it.
Aren't you?
A little bit.
- Okay, sprinkle it real nice.
- Aah!
Okay. Like... Like snow?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Aah! It's snowing!
- Yeah!
Wah!
Hey, boys. I made you some lunch.
Thanks, girl.
No, no, no, no. This piece is yours.
What'd you do to it?
Nothing.
Come on. You're pranking me back.
What'd you put in it?
Mousetrap? Ex-Lax? Thumbtack?
I've done 'em all. It's my job, yo.
If you think I have the time
to make a prank lasagna,
you're out of your mind. Take a bite.
Sure.
Even better.
You knew I was gonna do that.
Mm.
Dude, I'm throwing this in the garbage.
So, what'd you put in it?
What's the prank?
There is none. But now I'm in his head.
I never have to feed that dope again.
That's how Katie Otto rolls. Yeet!
Oh, Greg, sweetie, no. Just no.
- Yee...
- Don't do it.
- Yeet!
- Stop!
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com