American Housewife (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - The Minivan - full transcript

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You put everything
you've got into your children.

You teach them, you nurture them,

you shepherd them along
life's winding path.

But what if, after all that,

they grow up to be morons?

- _
- Okay, everyone, if we have any hope

of selling the minivan,

we got to clean it up.

That means getting rid of
all the stains and smells.

Ooof!

That is 10 years of old
milk and farts right there.



Why do we have to sell it?

Because it's a rite of passage.

Minivans are for families
with little kids.

The Ottos are entering a new era.

Taylor can drive,
Oliver gets his permit this year...

And you're old enough to
squeeze in between these two

if we ever go on that camping trip

that I'm never, ever
going to sign off on.

I'm gonna miss this thing.

You're going to miss it?

Yeah. It means a lot to me.

The day you guys brought
it home was the day

I decided to go to Harvard
so I could become rich

and never have to drive this symbol



of middle-class mediocrity.

I love and I hate it, so thank you
and also how dare you.

I'm gonna miss this thing, too.

Every spill and stain has a memory.

Here is where Oliver
threw up his Cheerios

when he was 5.

They were actually Toasted O's,

the generic ones.

That's when we realized
he was allergic to off-brand foods.

I used to love looking in the back seat

and seeing those three
little heads bobbing around.

I spy with my little eye...

something red.

I'll give you a hint.

- A fire truck!
- A red noise!

Every time you talk about the past,
you make a point

of saying you look exactly
like Alessandra Ambrosio.

I like to tell the story
accurately, Greg.

I miss when you were such
cute, squishy, little babies.

But now I look at you,
I just see free labor.

Get to work.

I have great news for you guys.

Hmm?

Anna-Kat has been officially sprung

from the looney bin.

Excuse me?

The looney bin.

The quacky factory.

Anna-Kat no longer has to attend

Dr. Ellie's Special Ed class.

That is good news.

Is there a less offensive
way to say that?

I don't think so, no.

Anna-Kat's OCD has really improved.

She's ready to be with everyone all day.

We're happy to hear that,

but we're also concerned it
might be a tad premature.

- We are?
- Yes, we are.

Principal Ablin,
are you sure that she's ready?

This summer,

she watched that John Goodman
bomb shelter movie

and turned her entire closet
into a doomsday bunker.

Privet?

Anna-Kat? Privet?

On the plus side,

Mikhail said we have a place to stay

- if we ever make it to St. Petersburg.
- ‭Yeah.

Anna-Kat might not be ready for this.

You said it was a new era,
and that's exactly what she started.

But what if she's not
ready for the new era?

Like the dinosaurs and the Ice Age.

A meteor killed the dinosaurs.

Don't science me, Greg.

Katie, we moved to
this town so she could get

the special help she
needed, and it worked.

This is a good thing.

But I liked that Dr. Ellie
was an extra pair of eyes on her,

and if she slipped off the rails,

she was right there to put her back on.

When you start a new era,
things are bound to change.

So you're saying I should calm down?

No, I've learned to avoid
your trigger phrases...

"Calm down," "You're overreacting,"

"Really? I thought she was nice."

Aww. You've just about
got the hang of me.

Anna-Kat?

We have some good news for you.

You have officially graduated
from Dr. Ellie's class.

Really?!

Wow!

We're pretty sure you're ready for this.

I mean, there's no way
for us to really know

if you're ready.
Unless you're not ready.

But you're ready.

- Maybe.
- Rutabaga.

What does that mean?

It's a code your mom and I have for

when I think she's being a bad parent.

- Ugh.
- You hear that, Franklin?

I got sprung from Dr. Ellie's class.

Why?

Well, Dr. Ellie's class
is for Special Education,

and I guess they think I'm better.

Special Education?
I thought it was Home Ec.

Why did you think it was Home Ec?

It's a long story.

My mom told me it was Home Ec.

I guess it wasn't a long story.

Is Taylor helping you guys clean?

Yeah, I'm out here washing the back.

Oh.

Taylor! Stop!

You can't use scouring powder on a car!

Why? Everything's coming off.

Including the paint!

Taylor, I swear...

No, you know what?
Katie, this one is on us.

She's 18 years old, and apparently,
we've taught her no common sense.

You're right. When your child

is a year away from leaving home
and is this clueless,

the only ones to blame are the parents.

Oh, good. So I'm not in trouble.

Should I keep going?

I had one glass of wine
in my third trimester,

and here we are.

We took our eyes off of our oldest

for half an hour,
and this is what happens.

Who knows what trouble
Anna-Kat will get into

without someone looking after her.

Anna-Kat is gonna be fine.

The more pressing matter is Taylor.

She just knocked $1,200 off
the value of a $1,500 car.

You're right. If we are gonna
move into a new era,

then we need to make sure she does, too.

We should make a list of the things

she needs to know
to be a fully functioning

- person in the world.
- Yeah.

- Just off the top of my head...
- Mm-hmm.

- I would say do laundry.
- Mm-hmm.

- Unclog a toilet.
- Mm-hmm.

Sew on a button...

How to shake out your hair
after taking off a motorcycle helmet.

What? It's important.

Shake, shake, turn, wink.

We might have failed Taylor until now,

but it's not too late
to get her on track.

We blew this assignment
off for way too many years.

It's time to cram.

Follow my lead, Greg.

This is where people who half-assed

their waythrough college shine.

Anna-Kat, I am so proud of you

for graduating Dr. Ellie's class.

And to honor the occasion,
I got you a present.

I love it.

Now whenever you check the time,
you'll think of me.

I will always be with you.

Does it do anything else,

like text or go on the Internet?

No. Just a watch to remind you of Mommy.

So it's a watch that only tells time?

And a fond reminder of Mommy.

Alright.

See you guys at my ballet recital.

Where are you going?
We're all driving together.

I'm never riding in that thing again.

Before, it was embarrassing,
but now we're no better

than that guy who sells
empanadas out of his trunk.

Oh, they're so good.
His abuela makes them.

Let's go. We're gonna be late.

Uh, where are my bravo flowers?

Your what?

My bravo flowers.

The flowers you throw on stage
to me when you shout "Bravo."

It was in the e-mail I sent you

about what to do at my performance.

It was right under "Don't wear pajamas."

Yeah, well, I have you set up
to go straight to junk mail.

Mom, the Fairfield Gazette
is gonna be there.

A real review is important
for my college portfolio.

So I'm riding my bike and
I'm picking up my own bouquet

with a high rose-to-baby's-breath ratio.

We are not bringing snotty
Oliver into the new era.

I thought he'd grow out of it,
but he's only getting worse.

I guess the dangers of eating
sushi in your second trimester

wasn't just an old wives' tale.

You never read any of those
pregnancy books I gave you.

Of course not, Greg.

Oliver's recital starts in 10 minutes,

and he's still not here yet.

Do you have those empanadas
with the raisins today?

We're not that guy.

So, Oliver is going
to miss his own recital

because he's a snob.

He better be lying in a ditch somewhere.

It's a saying.

You okay?

Yeah, I just lost my balance.
I'm a little banged up.

Can I give you a ride somewhere?

No, thanks. I'll wait for a Mercedes

or better to drive by.

This is no big deal.

I'm gonna walk this thing off
and get back to ballet ASAP.

Honey, the doctor said
you tore your ACL.

You can't dance for six to eight months.

If I miss ballet recruitment season,

I'll never get into Harvard.

I'll just pop my knee back into place.

Dad, give me
your wallet to bite down on.

Never mind. It's probably pleather.
I'll just gut it out.

Honey, I'm so sorry,

but you're going to have to put ballet

on the back burner for a while.

There are other extracurricular
activities you can do

that'll help you get into Harvard.

All you need is a plan B.

But I put so much time into ballet.

What am I gonna do now?

You'll figure it out.

You can do this. You're an Otto!

You're right. I am an Otto.

There you go.

Look at you,
leaving the old Oliver behind

and coming into the new era.

My whole life,
I've been living with the deficit

of being born into this family,

and yet I thrive.

I'm like one of those Brazilian orphans

who was raised in a landfill
and starts his own shoe company.

You're about to be one
of those kids in a coma

with a mother in jail.

Maybe we can add
"Fixing Oliver" to Taylor's list.

No, we have to do it ourselves.

But we suck at it.

It's like when we tried
to sleep-train Anna-Kat

and you ended up crashing
in her crib every night.

That "Wonder Pets" mobile was hypnotic,

and I can't believe you're
bringing that up right now!

You're right.

We can't turn on each other.

United front.

What's this?

It's a list of all the things
you need to learn how to do

before you move out of the house.

Is this a joke?!

"How to light a pilot light.
How to reset a fuse box.

How to defrost a freezer"?!

You will learn to
become self-sufficient.

I am not doing this.

That is your choice.

But if this list isn't done

by the night of your senior prom,

then you're staying home with me

and watching "Dirty Dancing."

I told you before,
I refuse to watch that.

I don't like movies from the 1880s.

1980s.

Same thing!

This is so unfair! This list is huge!

I'll never be able to
get it done in a year!

It's too much! I'm totally screwed!

Oh, honey. It's okay.

Yeah, we can... take some things off.

Ha! Number 12...

"How to cry to get out of stuff."

I don't need this list, dudes. I'm good.

That's 1 of 78, Taylor!

That may fly on your math test,
but not here!

We're struggling a bit
with Taylor and Oliver,

so I am not going to
take my eye off Anna-Kat.

Angela, thank you for the watch.

My pleasure.

What watch?

How come this is the first
I'm hearing about a watch?

You were there when we discussed it.

You said it was a great idea.

Oh, I have got to stop taking Ambien.

I'm losing half of my life!

Once again,

I lent Katie a spy watch
that listens in on you

that an ex gave me.

Why would an ex give you that?

We went over that, too.

- Oh, wait, I remember. Ah!
- Mm.

You were cheating with that woman

who stole your identity, then bought

that bed-and-breakfast in
Belize with your credit card.

Barb.

I'm happy Anna-Kat moved
on from Dr. Ellie's,

but if I can't have
an extra pair of eyes on her,

at least I can have
an extra pair of ears.

Okay, Franklin,

would you rather eat monkey
brains or a cow's heart?

I'd rather eat a worm.

That wasn't one of the choices.

I know, but I've been trying to find

a good time to tell you
that I sometimes eat worms.

Okay. Nothing to worry about yet.

Two nights ago, I woke up at a
poker table at the Mohegan Sun,

and I have no idea how I got there.

- I might have a problem.
- Yeah.

Hey, where'd you get that watch?

My mom gave it to me

when I graduated from Dr. Ellie's class.

It's a spy watch.

She can hear everything we're saying.

How do you know?

My mom put one on me last
year when she found out

I was crawling through
our neighbor's doggie door

to use their steam shower.

It's a small detail that can
really add value to a house.

I can't believe it.

She doesn't think I'm okay on my own.

Well, I'll show her.

So, what are we thinking?

Catfish her,
trick her to flying to Indiana?

No. I'm just gonna mess with her head.

Look at you, being all normal.

They were right to spring
you from Special Ed.

I'm proud of you, kid.

- What's for breakfast?
- Eggs.

Yum! I'll have scrambled.

Look at number 20 on your list.

Mm. I lost the list.

Mm.

You made copies?

Double-sided.

And laminated.

Oh, look! I'm dipping it in my coffee.

Yes, you're really getting
your money's worth

out of your laminator.

And if I ever need to return it...

I have the receipt.

Laminated.

Okay.

Number 20... how to cook an egg.

Easy.

Oh, there you go.

- Stop!
- Stop!

Bon appetite.

These aren't edible.

It's an egg, it's cooked. It counts.

Mark it off the list.

Boom!

When is she going to learn

that she can't be
a screw-up her whole life?

I'm going to edit the list.

I'm going to make it
"Cook an edible egg."

Mm.

Oh. This is Oliver's computer.

While I'm here,
I might as well take a look around.

How do you know his password?

Stop it.

_

Oh, no.

- Oh, my God.
- ‭Okay.

Really?

Leave it to Oliver to create

our very own Otto family
college admissions scandal.

I'd feel better about this new Otto era

if we were going into
it with different kids.

Looking for this?

Hey, gimme that!

We saw your little Photoshop project.

Oliver, you're not cheating
your way into Harvard.

You know, it's the parents

who end up going to
jail in these scandals.

Yeah, but, Mom, think about it.

In prison, no kids,
you have your own sink,

they do laundry for you.

And you still look pretty good.

I bet you'd fetch quite the prison wife.

He's not wrong.

Guys, I'm a sophomore. I'm out of time.

I have to cut corners.

We really believed you when you said

you were picking yourself up off the mat

and finding another path.

I was, but then I realized

it's not possible to start over now.

You still have excellent grades.

That's not enough anymore.

God, you're so old!

You have to have a 4.8 GPA,
play six sports,

and discover a new language

to get into a decent college these days.

We are not going to let you
cheat your way into college!

I guess I'll just have a horrible life.

Go to Cornell, make low six figures,

and join a country club where
I'll only have a social membership

because I can't afford
golf and tennis privileges.

If you think that's a horrible life,

then you have no idea
what a horrible life is.

You should go to a
homeless shelter someday

and see how those people have to live.

Not someday... today.

You are gonna get your snobby ass

down to a homeless shelter
and get some perspective.

And you're going in the minivan.

What are you doing now?

I'm having a nice moment
with my mind family.

We're all wearing clothes that fit

and celebrating each other's ambitions.

Ugh!

- Hey, Franklin. Knock-knock.
- Who's there?

Your smelly butt.

Never not funny.

I'm still not comfortable
with you spying on Anna-Kat.

Well, I'm not comfortable with
your new black underpants.

I can wash them with my jeans!

Hey, did you bring that beer

I told you to swipe from your house?

Yeah, I got it.

Did you steal that money
from your mom for cigarettes?

Uh-huh. We can go out

to the woods after school tomorrow

and try them.

And the janitor's gonna
meet us there, right?

Of course.

He said we could take a ride
in his van afterwards, too.

We need to talk.

Yes, we do.

We have a few questions for you.

What a coincidence.

I have some questions for you, as well.

I was sure we had the upper
hand in this conversation,

but it really doesn't feel that way.

So, do you guys want to continue
this conversation face-to-face,

or should I just talk into my watch?!

Damn!

Why would you guys do that?

Don't you trust me?

Oh, honey,
it has nothing to do with trust.

We're just worried there's less people

to keep an eye on you now.

Mom, Dad...

I realize that me moving
on from Dr. Ellie's class

isn't just a big change for me.

It's a big change for you, too.

But I can't let your
worries hold me back.

Do you want that?

- No.
- No.

If you ever feel these worries again,

I want you both to come to me,
and we can work it out.

No more tricks, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna have Google

translate the word "booger"
into several languages.

Wow.

She just brought us into her new era.

You can cross two more
things off your list.

I drove Oliver to the homeless shelter,

so I learned how to put
others before myself,

and I let a hobo braid my hair.

Write that on the list and
then just cross it off.

So...

how did it go at the shelter?

You were right. Going down there
really opened my eyes.

To the fact that you're
extremely fortunate

and other people have
harder lives than you?

You're funny. No.

I learned the way I'm
gonna get into Harvard

is by doing a ton of community service.

I'm gonna trick them into
thinking I'm a good person.

I'm back on track, baby.

My dilemma is which one to choose.

Big Brothers, Meals on Wheels,

Habitat for Humanity.

I just have to pick the
one with the most prestige

and takes the least effort.

Well, I guess, for the moment,

you doing the right thing
for the wrong reasons

is the best we can hope for.

It really is, guys.

- Okay. Hmm.
- ‭Alright.

I decided to knock a bunch of things

off your dumb list all at once.

Number 40...

"Take responsibility
for your own actions."

I messed up the minivan, so I fixed it.

That's great!

How?

I called a bunch of auto body shops,

and I found the cheapest one.

Number 17... "Be frugal."

And I also figured out

how to get that gross
smell out of there.

Number 5... "Take initiative."

Wow, Taylor. We're very impressed.

How did you get rid of the smell?

That stank was in there, man.

I lit those scented
candles you got from work.

You... put lit candles in the car?

Yeah. And they're still going.

It's been about three hours.

Number 77... "Learn to tell time."

Oh, no, no, no!

- No! No!
‭- Taylor, what did you do?!

Taylor!

Some people charge into the new era.

Some slowly limp forward.

Some may never get there.

This is so bad.

I've got to make a real change.

I have to stop being such a screw-up.

Then again, maybe they will.

I'm... here to check
on the minivan for sale.

There is some wiggle room on the price.

Well, I just finalized the minivan sale.

250 bucks.

That's all we got for it?

"We"? That's what I paid the guy
to haul away that piece of crap.

I still remember the
day we brought it home.

Mom!

Mommy!

That's... not how I remember it.

Mom!

Mommy!

Wait.

So, in your version,
you look like Alex Landi?

I like to tell a story accurately.

- I love you.
- I love you, too, sweetie.