American Housewife (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 21 - Episode #3.21 - full transcript
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♪♪
Don't take things out of the donate box.
- That's all gotta go.
- But these are the shoes Anna-Kat wore
right before the shoes
she had learned to walk in.
They're a keepsake!
- They're a crap-sake.
- [Shoes thud]
Anything we can't use is gone.
We gotta clean out our basement
so I can make it my Mom Cave.
- Mom Cave?
- Yeah.
You have your office.
- What do I have, Greg?
- Well, you have...
I swear to God, if you say "kitchen."
[Door opens, children giggling]
Look at them.
They couldn't be happier.
How does a hideous vampire of a woman
like Chloe Brown Mueller
have such a delightful daughter?
Thanks for having me over.
Penny said she can come over
again next week! [Laughs]
BOTH: Come on!
No way.
I can't handle seeing
Chloe Brown Mueller
more than once a month,
even if it's for pick-up and drop-off.
Okay, but it's nice to see
Anna-Kat making close friends.
- [Giggling]
- Of all the people
she could be friends with,
she had to choose the one
whose mom I hate the most.
She is the cilantro of people.
Why don't you go meet Doris and Angela,
and I'll handle pick-up with Chloe?
By the time you get back,
she'll be long gone.
It is so nice to have
a husband who supports
my hatred of other people.
[Chuckles]
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
♪♪
[Gasps] Hey! My old Pick A Pet.
- PICK A PET: "D" is for...
- Dog!
- ...dog.
- Nailed it.
Taylor, did you do your
presentation for History class?
Yep. I just have to put on
a few more finishing touches.
[Keys jingle]
Then I look forward to seeing it.
And I look forward to you seeing it.
- Great.
- Super great.
You haven't even started, have you?
No.
♪♪
Can you believe
Mom wants to get rid of this?
Yeah. Because it's garbage.
It looks like I picked the wrong guy
to stroll down Memory Lane with.
Hey, what's all your ballet
stuff doing down here?
I'm hiding it.
Brie's coming over later,
and I don't want her
to know I take ballet.
Why? You love it.
I know, but she's gonna think it's lame.
Dancing is part of
what makes you unique.
Without that, you're kinda hard to take.
- Sorry.
- No, I get that.
You know, if Brie's worth dating,
you should let her know
who you really are.
I am. I'm really
someone who holds things back
that could be extremely
embarrassing for me.
Look, if she likes you,
she won't have a problem with ballet.
[Sighs] I don't know.
I'm fifteen, I dance in a leotard
to classical music about a swan.
Swans are historically
a fierce, aggressive bird.
You know what? I'm hiding you
in the basement, too.
♪♪
Can I have more lemonade?
What are you doing? We're done.
I gotta kill time.
Chloe Brown Mueller
is coming by the house
to pick up Penny, and I don't
want to see her stupid face.
You should do I what I do...
ban all playdates.
And then start watching
"The Masked Singer."
What does that have to do
with my problem?
Nothing. I just want someone
to talk about it with.
But Anna-Kat and Penny are good friends.
I feel kinda guilty keeping them apart.
You have to put your kids' needs first.
Celeste and I can barely stand to be
in the same room with each other,
- but we do it for the kids.
- No.
My kids do not come first.
They come fifth. It goes...
me, the dog,
my $14,000 toilet,
the maid who doesn't talk... love her...
and then the kids.
Where is Richard on that list?
38th. Right after
the cappuccino machine.
Why doesn't she have
to come up with real ideas?
I come up with real ideas.
Okay, you don't
share custody with Chloe.
Tell Anna-Kat that she can be
school-friends with Penny
but not home-friends.
That way, you can avoid Chloe
but you don't hurt the kids.
Win-win.
Wow...
that could work.
[Whispering]
Was that real enough for ya?
- Mm.
- Mm.
♪♪
I was thinking about you hiding
what you're passionate about from Brie.
Well, I was young once, too.
I'm trying to picture it.
The closest I get is just you in shorts.
I had a hobby some people
might've called lame,
but that didn't stop me.
I want to show you something.
Oliver, this is Brad.
I am so uncomfortable.
[Greg as Brad] You're uncomfortable?
I've been in a suitcase for 20 years.
Oh, my neck!
Wow. Your lips didn't move.
That's amazing.
I should be surprised,
but this is so on-brand for you, Dad.
Brad and I used to be inseparable.
Yeah, until you stole my girl.
Brad, you know that's not fair.
Helen pursued me.
Yeah, but you didn't
shut it down when...
Please stop, or I call 911.
The point is, I didn't hide my hobby
just because it wasn't cool.
And that's what you should do.
- Ballet's part of what makes you special.
- I don't know...
I thought about dancing ballet myself,
but then I remembered...
...boneless legs.
Now I know.
Thanks for clearing
everything up for me.
I'm never telling her.
KATIE: Okay! I'm back!
I had to drive around
the block seven times
because I didn't want to see
that black-hearted devil
Chloe Brown Mue...
[Sweetly] Hi, Penny! You're still here.
Yeah, my mom must be running late.
Huh. [Clicks tongue]
You know, I just remembered,
I have a few more errands to run.
CHLOE: Penny! Get your coat
before I get poor all over me!
[Quietly] No! She's here!
[Scoffs]
♪♪
Sorry about my mom.
It's okay. I've got one, too.
[Sighs]
Penny, let's get out of here
before I have to see...
Oh, too late.
There she is.
I can tell by the Costco jeans.
I'll have you know,
I got these in a twelve-pack.
Hm.
Penny, what are you wearing?!
They're just smocks from the donate box.
This entire house is one big donate box.
[Exhales sharply] I'm not bringing
Penny around here anymore.
Fine. I won't be bringing
Anna-Kat over to your house.
It's a huge sacrifice
because I always send her
with an extra bag
to steal your FIJI waters.
Fine. Then we agree.
- No more playdates.
- They can be school-friends
but the home-friend thing is over.
I look forward to never
seeing your face again.
Not as much as I look forward
to never seeing you again.
[Door slams, locks]
[Doorknob rattles]
Anna-Kat?
[Doorknob rattling]
Why did you lock the door?
ANNA-KAT: We're not giving up
our playdates.
PENNY: You two stay down here
until you're friends
so we can play whenever we want.
We'll be back in an hour.
Anna-Kat! Anna-Kat!
Greg! Taylor!
If we can't come out
'til we're friends...
...we're gonna die in here.
♪♪
[Pounding on door]
Anna-Kat! Penny!
Let us out!
[Groans]
- KATIE: You're not gonna get a signal.
- [Exhales sharply]
Kids!
Katie's sad husband!
Help!
It's no use. We're locked in.
God, I feel like a kid at the zoo
who fell into a gorilla enclosure.
Except at least they have sunlight
and the gorilla can't talk.
God, I have an appointment
that I cannot miss!
Need to go to the hospital
for more baby blood
because you drink the blood of babies?
- I have things to do, too.
- Right.
I'm sure you have
nothing on your schedule
but "wear wrinkled clothes all day."
And look! You're all set.
[Hinges creak]
♪♪
[Ladder thudding]
- Dad?
- Anna-Kat!
Why are you putting things
Mom told you to throw away
- in the attic?
- That's a good question.
Have you seen your Mom?
Is she close by or headed this way?
Don't be mad, but I locked
Mom and Penny's mom
in the basement
until they become friends.
That is very...
good for me.
[Doorknob rattling]
What do you think is on that doorknob?
Your house smells like
a wet dog opened
a fried chicken franchise!
I'm not touching anything.
- [Footsteps approaching]
- [Gasps] Hello?
Greg?! Let us out!
It's us.
It's been an hour.
Are you two friends yet?
[Sighs]
You know...
we are friends now.
You are? For real?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes! We are.
W... The best of friends.
We're hugging!
Mm, so squishy!
You can let us out now!
Okay, if you're friends,
Mom, what's Chloe's favorite animal?
Uh...
A horse.
A very pretentious horse!
That's right.
Okay, Mom, what is
Katie's favorite color?
Uh...
- [Whispering] Purple.
- [Stammers]
I-I'm gonna say...
stained plaid?
You couldn't lie for one second?!
Well, you couldn't dress
not-terribly for one day?!
Not friends.
See you in another hour.
[Katie and Chloe groan loudly]
Penny, I did not have
a scheduled C-section
and pay thousands of dollars
to a Jamaican night nurse
to have you grow up
and treat me this way!
[Inhales deeply]
Aah! I touched it!
[Shrieks]
Ooh, what's this stuff?
I don't know. It's not mine.
It says "Oliver's stuff."
Oh, yeah.
A "Harry Potter" wand.
- Is this yours?
- No.
It... says "Oliver's wand."
My "Harry Potter" phase
overlapped with my label-making phase.
- I used to be kind of a nerd.
- [Chuckling] That's so cute.
You don't think it's stupid?
No, if it's something you liked,
why would I think it's stupid?
Wait right here.
I want to show you something.
"The label maker
that shall not be named."
- Stop looking in there!
- [Laughs]
♪♪
[Knock on door]
Just finishing up, Mom!
I'll be done in a minute!
Don't worry, it's just us.
We want to play with you.
I can't. I gotta finish
my history presentation on the 1980s.
If she finds out I didn't do it,
I'm gonna get the Mom Speech.
Oh, yeah. Those Mom speeches
are the worst.
[As Katie] "You're so unfocused.
You never live up to your potential."
"Stop giving your ponies
Viking funerals in the bathtub.
You're gonna burn the whole house down."
Good one.
I'm sure she's on her way
to check on me right now.
Well, what if I were to tell you
that Mom is unavoidably detained?
Then I would ask you
what those last two words mean.
We locked both our moms in the basement
until they become friends.
How about this...
we'll help you do your presentation,
you'll play with us after,
and you won't get a Mom Speech.
- Everybody wins.
- Cool! [Chuckles]
Wait, won't my teacher be able to tell
the project was done
by a couple of fourth graders?
Mm, my gut says she won't
know the difference.
Well, hey.
You want to help Brad and I
put boxes in the attic?
I'm doing all the heavy lifting.
I'm getting worried about you.
I'm just having fun.
- Where's my ballet stuff?
- Why do you ask?
I'm not talking to him.
You know, you might be right, Dad.
I think Brie's cool with
whatever I'm into,
so I thought I'd show her
my ballet gear.
You're really good.
I'm sure she'll be impressed.
Yeah, just like how Mom
must've been impressed
- with you being a ventriloquist.
- Right.
- She wasn't impressed?
- Um...
You never told her.
Of course not! You know your mom.
She'd think it was stupid!
That's what I said, and
you said I was being silly!
Hypocrite!
You're telling me to be honest,
and you never told Mom
about this little weirdo?
I'm never telling Brie.
♪♪
[Exhales sharply]
[Sighs]
Ugh, what are you doing?
It's called ice cream.
You combine cream and sugar
and make it cold.
It brings you happiness...
which is an emotion where you feel good.
I know what ice cream is.
I love ice cream.
I used to eat it 15 years ago
before I went on a strict
carrot soup diet.
Hold on.
You only eat carrot soup?
Once a year on my birthday,
I treat myself to a frozen grape.
[Chuckles]
If I'm gonna cheat, though,
it's gonna be with alcohol.
- Well, here.
- [Carton thuds]
I also found this in the freezer.
- Mmm, Mama likes.
- Yeah.
[Sniffs]
Huh. It's still vodka.
Hasn't been replaced with water.
Guess Taylor hasn't
started drinking yet.
Nerd.
♪♪
[Sighs]
And now I'm gonna miss my appointment.
Can't you just reschedule
the stupid thing?
No. It took me weeks to get it.
[Sighs] It's a... medical procedure.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
And if I don't get there today,
I don't know what's gonna happen to me.
I didn't realize it was so serious.
Well, it is.
♪♪
KATIE: Don't do it. Don't let her in.
Think about something else.
Think about baseball.
[Carton thuds]
Okay.
- Let's get you out of here.
- What?
Damn it. Doesn't work for Greg, either.
♪♪
[Both grunt]
[Smacks bottom]
♪♪
[Shouts]
[Panting]
Everything in this house
is crap except this door.
[Both shouting]
♪♪
Hammer.
♪♪
[Doorknob thuds]
[Sighs]
♪♪
[Door thuds]
♪♪
[Exhales sharply]
[Both shouting]
♪♪
Katie, I'm stuck!
I know!
Get me out of here!
[Grunts]
Oh, hey, dog.
Come over here.
Listen, go for help.
- Go for help!
- [Luthor whines]
Oh, God, you're as stupid
as your whole family.
[Katie grunting]
[Shouts]
[Crash, objects clatter]
[Groans]
I got you out!
No, you didn't!
We're still in here!
I'm sorry, Chloe.
You know, we are gonna
get you another appointment.
He's a specialist.
Do you know how hard it is to see him?
- [Sighs] It's too late.
- Don't give up.
Don't ever give up.
You are gonna beat this.
What am I supposed to do?
I need to see Dr. Henry today!
Wait.
Dr. Henry?
- The Westport Botox guy?
- Yeah.
That is your important
medical procedure?
- Botox?!
- Yeah!
You made me feel sorry for you.
For you!
I touched your shoulder.
I thought you had a legitimate
medical condition, Chloe.
I do! Age is a condition!
It kills people.
You are the epitome
of what is wrong with women
in this town.
You spend all your time
and money on shallow garbage.
I don't have to sit here and take this.
[Groans]
[Inhales deeply]
[Shrieks]
This isn't an ordinary
appointment for Botox,
- just so you know.
- Why?
Because it has to be
performed by an exorcist?
No.
- Stan's getting married.
- Who?
Stan. My ex-husband.
To a 30-year-old.
And I have to go to the wedding.
Why on Earth would you go?
For Penny's sake.
And to prove that
I'm the totally cool ex-wife
who's fine with it.
And who looks fantastic.
- Chloe...
- So I've been starving myself.
I haven't had a sweet for years.
And what good has it done me?
I can't even squeeze
through a basement window!
I mean, how can I compete
with a 30-year-old?!
This is just all so humiliating!
[Sighs heavily]
I have felt bad for you
twice in one day.
It is exhausting. Come on.
Is this a typical snack
they serve in Ravenclaw?
[Scoffs] First of all, how dare you.
I was House Gryffindor.
- [Laughs]
- And second, this...
GREG: Oliver, can you come
into my office
for a second?
- I'm good!
- Okay!
[As Brad] [Chuckles]
We'll just come out there to you!
No, I'm on my way! I'm on my way!
What do you want?
I thought about it, and you're right.
I am a hypocrite.
I was telling you to do
something I couldn't do myself.
So you know what? I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna tell your mom
about me and Brad
to prove to you
it's the right thing to do.
Stop! I can't let Brie know
my dad's best friend
is a ventriloquist dummy.
Also, don't mention you're a teacher.
[Sighs]
♪♪
We are not going to call it quits yet.
We are not gonna let that window
or that door
or this doorknob stop us.
Your ex-husband dumping you
to marry a younger woman is terrible...
even more terrible than you are.
That's why I'm going to help you
get out of here
so you can get a faceful of poison
and show Stan that you may not
be a 30-year-old,
but by God, you're gonna have
the forehead of a 30-year-old.
Yes!
You and me,
we are going to run at that door
at the same time.
We are gonna "Thelma & Louise"
that door down.
One... two... thr...
- Hooray!
- [Screaming]
- We did it!
- [Both laughing]
Katie, I have someone
to introduce you to.
Nice to finally meet you, Katie.
What are you doing?
Why aren't you moving your mouth?
My name is Greg Otto,
and I am a ventriloquist.
Good thing you didn't show me
that when we were dating...
- [Exhales sharply]
- ...because I would have never married you.
[Smacks lips] But I'm stuck now
because we have kids.
Gotta go.
Sad.
[Exhales deeply] That was rough.
Yeah...
[Normal voice] Oliver,
I'd hold off telling Brie
about your ballet.
At the very least,
wait until you're married
and have three kids
before you even think
- about revisiting this.
- So, hide who I am?
With everything you've got.
[Chuckles] Thanks for the lesson, Dad.
♪♪
[Chloe sighs]
I'll call you an Uber and watch Penny.
[Whimsical tune plays in distance]
Wait.
No Uber. Come on!
W-What do you mean?
I-I can still make my appointment!
[Music grows louder]
♪♪
Forget the appointment.
You need to make yourself happy.
So instead of Botox,
have what you really need to feel good.
An ice cream cone.
I'm feeling tempted.
I gotta call my sponsor.
[Cellphone unlocks]
Maria, I'm feeling kind of snacky.
- [Whispers] No.
- Stop wasting your happiness
- caring what other people think.
- [Birds chirping]
- [Exhales deeply]
- Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Thank you so much, Katie.
Um, this flavor is really interesting.
It tastes like...
not carrot.
Oh. Mmm.
It's the best thing in the world.
[Exhales deeply]
- [Ice cream splats]
- And I'm done.
If you weren't here, I'd totally
five-second-rule that.
No.
Anna-Kat! Penny!
- Ice cream!
- Ice cream!
[Ice cream splats]
That's for locking us in the basement.
You're grounded for a week.
And so are you. But after that,
you can be school-friends
and home-friends
whenever you want.
So are you two friends now?
- Ugh, no way!
- Oh, hell no! Ugh.
Maybe at-home friends?
Truce until these things go to college.
Sure.
[Anna-Kat and Penny giggle]
But then afterwards, I'm gonna
run you over with my car.
You're gonna have
a tough time doing that
because I'm going to kill you
in your sleep.
All right.
[Mouse clicking]
You guys did a good job.
Taylor, I found your assignment
sheet under your bed.
So?
This isn't a project on the 1980s.
It's a project on "1984."
Fine, I'll just delete the stuff
from 1985 or whatever.
Not the year 1984, the book!
George Orwell's "1984."
And it's not for History...
it's for English.
What am I gonna do?
I have to hand this in tomorrow!
It's not due tomorrow.
It's due next month.
Well, at least my lack of detail
got me an extra month.
I don't believe this.
I helped you do this entire
project for nothing.
Maybe Mom's right
to give you these speeches.
And since she's not here right now,
I'm gonna give you one.
I'm not gonna stand here and...
[Sternly] Sit down!
This is a wake-up call.
You've got to get organized, Taylor,
and not just about this...
about every detail in your life.
You've got so much potential.
And if you just apply it,
you could surprise everyone.
Most of all yourself.
I'm sorry. I'll try harder.
I want to make you proud.
That's my girl.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
---
♪♪
Don't take things out of the donate box.
- That's all gotta go.
- But these are the shoes Anna-Kat wore
right before the shoes
she had learned to walk in.
They're a keepsake!
- They're a crap-sake.
- [Shoes thud]
Anything we can't use is gone.
We gotta clean out our basement
so I can make it my Mom Cave.
- Mom Cave?
- Yeah.
You have your office.
- What do I have, Greg?
- Well, you have...
I swear to God, if you say "kitchen."
[Door opens, children giggling]
Look at them.
They couldn't be happier.
How does a hideous vampire of a woman
like Chloe Brown Mueller
have such a delightful daughter?
Thanks for having me over.
Penny said she can come over
again next week! [Laughs]
BOTH: Come on!
No way.
I can't handle seeing
Chloe Brown Mueller
more than once a month,
even if it's for pick-up and drop-off.
Okay, but it's nice to see
Anna-Kat making close friends.
- [Giggling]
- Of all the people
she could be friends with,
she had to choose the one
whose mom I hate the most.
She is the cilantro of people.
Why don't you go meet Doris and Angela,
and I'll handle pick-up with Chloe?
By the time you get back,
she'll be long gone.
It is so nice to have
a husband who supports
my hatred of other people.
[Chuckles]
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
♪♪
[Gasps] Hey! My old Pick A Pet.
- PICK A PET: "D" is for...
- Dog!
- ...dog.
- Nailed it.
Taylor, did you do your
presentation for History class?
Yep. I just have to put on
a few more finishing touches.
[Keys jingle]
Then I look forward to seeing it.
And I look forward to you seeing it.
- Great.
- Super great.
You haven't even started, have you?
No.
♪♪
Can you believe
Mom wants to get rid of this?
Yeah. Because it's garbage.
It looks like I picked the wrong guy
to stroll down Memory Lane with.
Hey, what's all your ballet
stuff doing down here?
I'm hiding it.
Brie's coming over later,
and I don't want her
to know I take ballet.
Why? You love it.
I know, but she's gonna think it's lame.
Dancing is part of
what makes you unique.
Without that, you're kinda hard to take.
- Sorry.
- No, I get that.
You know, if Brie's worth dating,
you should let her know
who you really are.
I am. I'm really
someone who holds things back
that could be extremely
embarrassing for me.
Look, if she likes you,
she won't have a problem with ballet.
[Sighs] I don't know.
I'm fifteen, I dance in a leotard
to classical music about a swan.
Swans are historically
a fierce, aggressive bird.
You know what? I'm hiding you
in the basement, too.
♪♪
Can I have more lemonade?
What are you doing? We're done.
I gotta kill time.
Chloe Brown Mueller
is coming by the house
to pick up Penny, and I don't
want to see her stupid face.
You should do I what I do...
ban all playdates.
And then start watching
"The Masked Singer."
What does that have to do
with my problem?
Nothing. I just want someone
to talk about it with.
But Anna-Kat and Penny are good friends.
I feel kinda guilty keeping them apart.
You have to put your kids' needs first.
Celeste and I can barely stand to be
in the same room with each other,
- but we do it for the kids.
- No.
My kids do not come first.
They come fifth. It goes...
me, the dog,
my $14,000 toilet,
the maid who doesn't talk... love her...
and then the kids.
Where is Richard on that list?
38th. Right after
the cappuccino machine.
Why doesn't she have
to come up with real ideas?
I come up with real ideas.
Okay, you don't
share custody with Chloe.
Tell Anna-Kat that she can be
school-friends with Penny
but not home-friends.
That way, you can avoid Chloe
but you don't hurt the kids.
Win-win.
Wow...
that could work.
[Whispering]
Was that real enough for ya?
- Mm.
- Mm.
♪♪
I was thinking about you hiding
what you're passionate about from Brie.
Well, I was young once, too.
I'm trying to picture it.
The closest I get is just you in shorts.
I had a hobby some people
might've called lame,
but that didn't stop me.
I want to show you something.
Oliver, this is Brad.
I am so uncomfortable.
[Greg as Brad] You're uncomfortable?
I've been in a suitcase for 20 years.
Oh, my neck!
Wow. Your lips didn't move.
That's amazing.
I should be surprised,
but this is so on-brand for you, Dad.
Brad and I used to be inseparable.
Yeah, until you stole my girl.
Brad, you know that's not fair.
Helen pursued me.
Yeah, but you didn't
shut it down when...
Please stop, or I call 911.
The point is, I didn't hide my hobby
just because it wasn't cool.
And that's what you should do.
- Ballet's part of what makes you special.
- I don't know...
I thought about dancing ballet myself,
but then I remembered...
...boneless legs.
Now I know.
Thanks for clearing
everything up for me.
I'm never telling her.
KATIE: Okay! I'm back!
I had to drive around
the block seven times
because I didn't want to see
that black-hearted devil
Chloe Brown Mue...
[Sweetly] Hi, Penny! You're still here.
Yeah, my mom must be running late.
Huh. [Clicks tongue]
You know, I just remembered,
I have a few more errands to run.
CHLOE: Penny! Get your coat
before I get poor all over me!
[Quietly] No! She's here!
[Scoffs]
♪♪
Sorry about my mom.
It's okay. I've got one, too.
[Sighs]
Penny, let's get out of here
before I have to see...
Oh, too late.
There she is.
I can tell by the Costco jeans.
I'll have you know,
I got these in a twelve-pack.
Hm.
Penny, what are you wearing?!
They're just smocks from the donate box.
This entire house is one big donate box.
[Exhales sharply] I'm not bringing
Penny around here anymore.
Fine. I won't be bringing
Anna-Kat over to your house.
It's a huge sacrifice
because I always send her
with an extra bag
to steal your FIJI waters.
Fine. Then we agree.
- No more playdates.
- They can be school-friends
but the home-friend thing is over.
I look forward to never
seeing your face again.
Not as much as I look forward
to never seeing you again.
[Door slams, locks]
[Doorknob rattles]
Anna-Kat?
[Doorknob rattling]
Why did you lock the door?
ANNA-KAT: We're not giving up
our playdates.
PENNY: You two stay down here
until you're friends
so we can play whenever we want.
We'll be back in an hour.
Anna-Kat! Anna-Kat!
Greg! Taylor!
If we can't come out
'til we're friends...
...we're gonna die in here.
♪♪
[Pounding on door]
Anna-Kat! Penny!
Let us out!
[Groans]
- KATIE: You're not gonna get a signal.
- [Exhales sharply]
Kids!
Katie's sad husband!
Help!
It's no use. We're locked in.
God, I feel like a kid at the zoo
who fell into a gorilla enclosure.
Except at least they have sunlight
and the gorilla can't talk.
God, I have an appointment
that I cannot miss!
Need to go to the hospital
for more baby blood
because you drink the blood of babies?
- I have things to do, too.
- Right.
I'm sure you have
nothing on your schedule
but "wear wrinkled clothes all day."
And look! You're all set.
[Hinges creak]
♪♪
[Ladder thudding]
- Dad?
- Anna-Kat!
Why are you putting things
Mom told you to throw away
- in the attic?
- That's a good question.
Have you seen your Mom?
Is she close by or headed this way?
Don't be mad, but I locked
Mom and Penny's mom
in the basement
until they become friends.
That is very...
good for me.
[Doorknob rattling]
What do you think is on that doorknob?
Your house smells like
a wet dog opened
a fried chicken franchise!
I'm not touching anything.
- [Footsteps approaching]
- [Gasps] Hello?
Greg?! Let us out!
It's us.
It's been an hour.
Are you two friends yet?
[Sighs]
You know...
we are friends now.
You are? For real?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes! We are.
W... The best of friends.
We're hugging!
Mm, so squishy!
You can let us out now!
Okay, if you're friends,
Mom, what's Chloe's favorite animal?
Uh...
A horse.
A very pretentious horse!
That's right.
Okay, Mom, what is
Katie's favorite color?
Uh...
- [Whispering] Purple.
- [Stammers]
I-I'm gonna say...
stained plaid?
You couldn't lie for one second?!
Well, you couldn't dress
not-terribly for one day?!
Not friends.
See you in another hour.
[Katie and Chloe groan loudly]
Penny, I did not have
a scheduled C-section
and pay thousands of dollars
to a Jamaican night nurse
to have you grow up
and treat me this way!
[Inhales deeply]
Aah! I touched it!
[Shrieks]
Ooh, what's this stuff?
I don't know. It's not mine.
It says "Oliver's stuff."
Oh, yeah.
A "Harry Potter" wand.
- Is this yours?
- No.
It... says "Oliver's wand."
My "Harry Potter" phase
overlapped with my label-making phase.
- I used to be kind of a nerd.
- [Chuckling] That's so cute.
You don't think it's stupid?
No, if it's something you liked,
why would I think it's stupid?
Wait right here.
I want to show you something.
"The label maker
that shall not be named."
- Stop looking in there!
- [Laughs]
♪♪
[Knock on door]
Just finishing up, Mom!
I'll be done in a minute!
Don't worry, it's just us.
We want to play with you.
I can't. I gotta finish
my history presentation on the 1980s.
If she finds out I didn't do it,
I'm gonna get the Mom Speech.
Oh, yeah. Those Mom speeches
are the worst.
[As Katie] "You're so unfocused.
You never live up to your potential."
"Stop giving your ponies
Viking funerals in the bathtub.
You're gonna burn the whole house down."
Good one.
I'm sure she's on her way
to check on me right now.
Well, what if I were to tell you
that Mom is unavoidably detained?
Then I would ask you
what those last two words mean.
We locked both our moms in the basement
until they become friends.
How about this...
we'll help you do your presentation,
you'll play with us after,
and you won't get a Mom Speech.
- Everybody wins.
- Cool! [Chuckles]
Wait, won't my teacher be able to tell
the project was done
by a couple of fourth graders?
Mm, my gut says she won't
know the difference.
Well, hey.
You want to help Brad and I
put boxes in the attic?
I'm doing all the heavy lifting.
I'm getting worried about you.
I'm just having fun.
- Where's my ballet stuff?
- Why do you ask?
I'm not talking to him.
You know, you might be right, Dad.
I think Brie's cool with
whatever I'm into,
so I thought I'd show her
my ballet gear.
You're really good.
I'm sure she'll be impressed.
Yeah, just like how Mom
must've been impressed
- with you being a ventriloquist.
- Right.
- She wasn't impressed?
- Um...
You never told her.
Of course not! You know your mom.
She'd think it was stupid!
That's what I said, and
you said I was being silly!
Hypocrite!
You're telling me to be honest,
and you never told Mom
about this little weirdo?
I'm never telling Brie.
♪♪
[Exhales sharply]
[Sighs]
Ugh, what are you doing?
It's called ice cream.
You combine cream and sugar
and make it cold.
It brings you happiness...
which is an emotion where you feel good.
I know what ice cream is.
I love ice cream.
I used to eat it 15 years ago
before I went on a strict
carrot soup diet.
Hold on.
You only eat carrot soup?
Once a year on my birthday,
I treat myself to a frozen grape.
[Chuckles]
If I'm gonna cheat, though,
it's gonna be with alcohol.
- Well, here.
- [Carton thuds]
I also found this in the freezer.
- Mmm, Mama likes.
- Yeah.
[Sniffs]
Huh. It's still vodka.
Hasn't been replaced with water.
Guess Taylor hasn't
started drinking yet.
Nerd.
♪♪
[Sighs]
And now I'm gonna miss my appointment.
Can't you just reschedule
the stupid thing?
No. It took me weeks to get it.
[Sighs] It's a... medical procedure.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
And if I don't get there today,
I don't know what's gonna happen to me.
I didn't realize it was so serious.
Well, it is.
♪♪
KATIE: Don't do it. Don't let her in.
Think about something else.
Think about baseball.
[Carton thuds]
Okay.
- Let's get you out of here.
- What?
Damn it. Doesn't work for Greg, either.
♪♪
[Both grunt]
[Smacks bottom]
♪♪
[Shouts]
[Panting]
Everything in this house
is crap except this door.
[Both shouting]
♪♪
Hammer.
♪♪
[Doorknob thuds]
[Sighs]
♪♪
[Door thuds]
♪♪
[Exhales sharply]
[Both shouting]
♪♪
Katie, I'm stuck!
I know!
Get me out of here!
[Grunts]
Oh, hey, dog.
Come over here.
Listen, go for help.
- Go for help!
- [Luthor whines]
Oh, God, you're as stupid
as your whole family.
[Katie grunting]
[Shouts]
[Crash, objects clatter]
[Groans]
I got you out!
No, you didn't!
We're still in here!
I'm sorry, Chloe.
You know, we are gonna
get you another appointment.
He's a specialist.
Do you know how hard it is to see him?
- [Sighs] It's too late.
- Don't give up.
Don't ever give up.
You are gonna beat this.
What am I supposed to do?
I need to see Dr. Henry today!
Wait.
Dr. Henry?
- The Westport Botox guy?
- Yeah.
That is your important
medical procedure?
- Botox?!
- Yeah!
You made me feel sorry for you.
For you!
I touched your shoulder.
I thought you had a legitimate
medical condition, Chloe.
I do! Age is a condition!
It kills people.
You are the epitome
of what is wrong with women
in this town.
You spend all your time
and money on shallow garbage.
I don't have to sit here and take this.
[Groans]
[Inhales deeply]
[Shrieks]
This isn't an ordinary
appointment for Botox,
- just so you know.
- Why?
Because it has to be
performed by an exorcist?
No.
- Stan's getting married.
- Who?
Stan. My ex-husband.
To a 30-year-old.
And I have to go to the wedding.
Why on Earth would you go?
For Penny's sake.
And to prove that
I'm the totally cool ex-wife
who's fine with it.
And who looks fantastic.
- Chloe...
- So I've been starving myself.
I haven't had a sweet for years.
And what good has it done me?
I can't even squeeze
through a basement window!
I mean, how can I compete
with a 30-year-old?!
This is just all so humiliating!
[Sighs heavily]
I have felt bad for you
twice in one day.
It is exhausting. Come on.
Is this a typical snack
they serve in Ravenclaw?
[Scoffs] First of all, how dare you.
I was House Gryffindor.
- [Laughs]
- And second, this...
GREG: Oliver, can you come
into my office
for a second?
- I'm good!
- Okay!
[As Brad] [Chuckles]
We'll just come out there to you!
No, I'm on my way! I'm on my way!
What do you want?
I thought about it, and you're right.
I am a hypocrite.
I was telling you to do
something I couldn't do myself.
So you know what? I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna tell your mom
about me and Brad
to prove to you
it's the right thing to do.
Stop! I can't let Brie know
my dad's best friend
is a ventriloquist dummy.
Also, don't mention you're a teacher.
[Sighs]
♪♪
We are not going to call it quits yet.
We are not gonna let that window
or that door
or this doorknob stop us.
Your ex-husband dumping you
to marry a younger woman is terrible...
even more terrible than you are.
That's why I'm going to help you
get out of here
so you can get a faceful of poison
and show Stan that you may not
be a 30-year-old,
but by God, you're gonna have
the forehead of a 30-year-old.
Yes!
You and me,
we are going to run at that door
at the same time.
We are gonna "Thelma & Louise"
that door down.
One... two... thr...
- Hooray!
- [Screaming]
- We did it!
- [Both laughing]
Katie, I have someone
to introduce you to.
Nice to finally meet you, Katie.
What are you doing?
Why aren't you moving your mouth?
My name is Greg Otto,
and I am a ventriloquist.
Good thing you didn't show me
that when we were dating...
- [Exhales sharply]
- ...because I would have never married you.
[Smacks lips] But I'm stuck now
because we have kids.
Gotta go.
Sad.
[Exhales deeply] That was rough.
Yeah...
[Normal voice] Oliver,
I'd hold off telling Brie
about your ballet.
At the very least,
wait until you're married
and have three kids
before you even think
- about revisiting this.
- So, hide who I am?
With everything you've got.
[Chuckles] Thanks for the lesson, Dad.
♪♪
[Chloe sighs]
I'll call you an Uber and watch Penny.
[Whimsical tune plays in distance]
Wait.
No Uber. Come on!
W-What do you mean?
I-I can still make my appointment!
[Music grows louder]
♪♪
Forget the appointment.
You need to make yourself happy.
So instead of Botox,
have what you really need to feel good.
An ice cream cone.
I'm feeling tempted.
I gotta call my sponsor.
[Cellphone unlocks]
Maria, I'm feeling kind of snacky.
- [Whispers] No.
- Stop wasting your happiness
- caring what other people think.
- [Birds chirping]
- [Exhales deeply]
- Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Thank you so much, Katie.
Um, this flavor is really interesting.
It tastes like...
not carrot.
Oh. Mmm.
It's the best thing in the world.
[Exhales deeply]
- [Ice cream splats]
- And I'm done.
If you weren't here, I'd totally
five-second-rule that.
No.
Anna-Kat! Penny!
- Ice cream!
- Ice cream!
[Ice cream splats]
That's for locking us in the basement.
You're grounded for a week.
And so are you. But after that,
you can be school-friends
and home-friends
whenever you want.
So are you two friends now?
- Ugh, no way!
- Oh, hell no! Ugh.
Maybe at-home friends?
Truce until these things go to college.
Sure.
[Anna-Kat and Penny giggle]
But then afterwards, I'm gonna
run you over with my car.
You're gonna have
a tough time doing that
because I'm going to kill you
in your sleep.
All right.
[Mouse clicking]
You guys did a good job.
Taylor, I found your assignment
sheet under your bed.
So?
This isn't a project on the 1980s.
It's a project on "1984."
Fine, I'll just delete the stuff
from 1985 or whatever.
Not the year 1984, the book!
George Orwell's "1984."
And it's not for History...
it's for English.
What am I gonna do?
I have to hand this in tomorrow!
It's not due tomorrow.
It's due next month.
Well, at least my lack of detail
got me an extra month.
I don't believe this.
I helped you do this entire
project for nothing.
Maybe Mom's right
to give you these speeches.
And since she's not here right now,
I'm gonna give you one.
I'm not gonna stand here and...
[Sternly] Sit down!
This is a wake-up call.
You've got to get organized, Taylor,
and not just about this...
about every detail in your life.
You've got so much potential.
And if you just apply it,
you could surprise everyone.
Most of all yourself.
I'm sorry. I'll try harder.
I want to make you proud.
That's my girl.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com