American Housewife (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 20 - Episode #3.20 - full transcript
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Packed your favorite... strawberries.
Mom, strawberries aren't
my favorite fruit anymore.
Since when?
Since I had the pleasure
of tasting a tangelo.
Now my top five fruits are, in order,
tangelos, guava, tomatoes...
they're a fruit, Google it...
kiwi, and pluots.
Got to love Westport.
The closest I got to
fresh fruit as a kid
was wild cherry cough drops.
Oh, no!
Principal Ablin's gonna ask me
to chaperone another one of
Anna-Kat's class field trips!
Katie, I need to speak to you
about the field trip tomorrow.
I got to come up with an excuse.
What have I used in the past?
I've done root canal.
I've done malaria twice.
I had my hip replaced
at a very young age.
Wait.
I actually have a legitimate excuse
for not going on the field trip!
Katie, I was wondering if you w...
I can't chaperone the field trip!
I have a job!
Ha! In your face!
Why is it in my face?
I don't know. You figure it
out. You're the educator.
Long day at work?
Long month at work.
I have been working overtime
planning the Founder's Day Fair.
- What's that?
- It is the fair in three weeks
that celebrates the founding
fathers of Westport.
All I know is, I ordered a
gluten-free funnel cake today,
and part of me died.
I could really use a
big-time pony play session
with you right now.
Okay. Choose your filly.
Where's Sir Sparkles?
He died last month saving Sassy Sadie
from drowning in the toilet.
I begged him to learn how to swim.
I don't recognize most of these ponies.
I've gotten a lot of new ones lately.
Here's my favorite... Major Cuddles!
Major isn't just his rank,
but also how I describe his hugs,
because even though he's military,
he's not emotionally distant.
Anna-Kat, I'm sorry
that I've been working
nights and weekends
and haven't been able to
play with you as much.
It's okay, Mom. I know you're busy.
I actually don't expect
you to be around,
so I just assume you won't be.
And the new number-one thing a
mother never wants to hear is...
what Anna-Kat just said.
Till Oliver says, "We're
putting you in a home.
No cable."
Did you know Sir Sparkles died?
Oh, yeah. That was a rough one.
He didn't have a will.
His colts are still
fighting over his estate.
I used to know everything
going on with her.
I feel so disconnected.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
I bet you know all the pony names.
Of course I do. I'm a good parent.
... married to another good parent.
Mm-hmm.
So, here we are...
two good parents.
I'm just having a hard time with
the work/life balance thing.
Look, we're lucky I can
adjust my schedule
and work out of the house
more and be with the kids.
When one of us is busy,
the other can pick up
the slack. We're a team.
I know, but I still feel bad.
Anna-Kat is getting older,
and I don't want our
relationship to become
like my relationship with Taylor.
What's wrong with that?
Taylor, how you doing, honey?
Get off my back, man!
Well, if you want to spend
more time with Anna-Kat,
maybe you should chaperone the
field trip instead of me.
You're chaperoning?
Yeah, Ablin called and asked me to go.
Well, look at you...
knowing pony names,
chaperoning field trips.
Part of the problem is,
you're too nice of a dad.
You need to be worse.
When it comes to parenting,
I don't go up to you...
you come down to me.
Why do I always have
to come down to you?
I don't do self-improvement.
You knew that when you married me, bro.
I don't feel well.
Yeah, right! Go get dressed.
I'm being serious!
I've been throwing up all night.
Why don't you ever believe me?
- 'Cause you always fake being sick.
- Mm-hmm.
You're thinking of Mom and malaria.
I do do that.
I swear... I'm really sick.
Trip is going to Thunder Park
for senior ditch day, and I want to go.
So fake being sick.
I fake being sick way too many times.
Unless I barf up some arthritis...
- That's not a thing.
- ... then Mom and Dad won't buy it.
I need your help.
They might not buy you being sick,
but they will if we both are sick.
Wait... you're sick?
That's great! Then you can get me sick!
Quick... sneeze in my mouth.
No! I'll also fake being sick.
Oh.
They'll never think we're both lying.
But if I do this for you,
you guys need to take me and
Cooper to Thunder Park.
Fine.
What's the plan?
I've been throwing up all night.
Oh, no. Taylor, too.
Geez, if they're both sick,
then maybe Taylor is
not lying after all.
Maybe they have food poisoning.
Just follow my lead.
Hey, Mom?
Can I have this yogurt smoothie
I found in the fridge?
Sure.
Great. It looks delicious.
Hey, Taylor, you want to share
this yogurt smoothie I
found in the fridge?
It looks delicious.
Sure. It looks delicious.
Oh, no! It's expired.
Oh, who cares?
Mom always said it's
okay to eat expired food
if it's in the two-week buffer zone.
Oh, well. Bottoms up.
You guys are total idiots for
drinking that expired smoothie.
But it was in the buffer zone!
- Did you smell it?
- No.
Everyone knows you got to smell it
if it's in the buffer zone.
That is buffer zone 101.
Back to bed. No school
for you two today.
I'm sorry I can't stay
and take care of them.
I have to go on Anna-Kat's field trip.
Oh, don't worry, Dad.
Oliver and I can take
care of each other.
That's sweet.
Stop being the nice parent.
You're making me look bad.
You could try being the nice parent.
We can't change it up now, Greg.
- We are in this way too deep.
- Hmm.
I need some advice on
what to do with Anna-Kat.
I don't have time to do the fun stuff
that we usually do
together because of work.
Oh. I can totally relate to that.
- Really?
- That's not possible.
Recently, I started spending
more time at home with the kids,
but then I felt like I was missing out
on all this fun stuff
at the country club.
I felt bad for neglecting the club,
so I started spending less time at home.
Hmm.
Katie, if you want to spend
time with your kids,
then sometimes that means
doing things with them
that you don't want to
do... like chaperoning.
But I already did that last year.
Yeah, well, it's kind of like
the mammogram of parenting.
Ugh. Just another way they
put the squeeze on us!
I don't want to chaperone again.
It was just a lot of me saying,
"Don't wander off! Stay together!
Don't climb on that!"
"Don't tell your mom I hit you."
But I did have fun with Anna-Kat.
We sang songs on the bus,
and we made up this game
where we pretended not to know anything
because it was our first day on Earth.
- Example, please.
- Mm.
"What is this mysterious
brown substance?"
Yeah, I don't care anymore.
Katie, there's no
reason why you can't go
on that field trip today and
reconnect with Anna-Kat.
You're right.
- I'm gonna do it.
- Great.
When do they leave?
10 minutes.
- Damn! I got to go.
- Oh.
You didn't really hit a kid
on a field trip, did you?
Oh.
Your son didn't tell you?
Damn, you're a good mom!
You didn't raise a narc!
All right, kids.
Everyone take your seats. We're leaving.
Good morning, room 5!
My name is Katie Otto, Anna-Kat's mom,
and I am here to chaperone
your field trip
to Caldwell Farms.
Katie, what are you doing here?
I think my announcement one second ago
was pretty clear about that.
Yeah, but I took the day
off from work to...
What are you doing here?
I thought you had a job.
I do have a job.
And I took a day off from that job
to do an even more important job...
to connect with my daughter.
In your face.
I will not have that in my face again.
All right, let's get
this field trip started
with a little bus song.
♪ Hey, Mickey, you're so fine ♪
♪ You're so fine, you blow my mind ♪
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪
Come on, Anna-Kat!
What are you doing?
What is a bus ride without a sing-along?
Come on, everybody!
♪ Hey, Mickey, you're so... ♪
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine ♪
♪ You're the finest in my mind ♪
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪
Hey, Mickey!
Dude! What are you doing?
Mom always said to dance like
no one's watching and...
to sleep like nobody's watching.
I had trouble sleeping.
I thought people were watching me.
Sorry. Ablin ruined everything.
Yeah.
Mother always said that, too.
The smoothie plan worked perfectly.
Sometimes I think about
using my powers for good,
and then I do stuff like
this and I think...
Nah.
So, you drank expired yogurt
and it didn't make you sick?
How'd you pull that off?
It wasn't really expired.
So how'd you get sick?
We faked it.
You don't need to understand
the plan for it to work.
Oh, thank God.
Cooper, how'd you get
out of school today?
Oh, I don't really have to
worry about stuff like that.
_
You get a boat!
And you get a boat!
And you get a boat!
Oh, no. Dad's home.
He's supposed to be on
Anna-Kat's field trip!
- Guys, go hide.
- Why? Then I won't get to see your dad.
That's the point.
You don't need to understand
the plan for it to work.
Let's vámanos, compadre.
Come on. We got to make
ourselves look sick again.
Hey, guys. I'm not going on
Anna-Kat's field trip anymore,
so I came home to see how you're doing.
I still feel sick.
I feel like Taylor reads... terrible.
Oh, no. Sounds like
you're getting worse.
I better stay here and
take care of you guys.
Y-You shouldn't stay home
just because we're sick.
Why not grab some quality Greg time?
Yeah, go catch a movie.
There's two Ruth Bader
Ginsburg films out.
She's your celebrity hall
pass, for God's sake.
I'm happy to take care of you two.
I'm gonna make you some of my
mother's famous chicken soup.
Do you know what the
secret ingredient is?
- Is it love?
- Love?
No. It's...
I don't want to tell you anymore.
Ugh. Now instead of ditch day,
we have to stay home and
pretend to be sick.
Yeah, I know. I was here, too.
Don't wander off. Stay together.
Don't climb on that!
Caldwell Farms is a fully functional
fruit and animal farm.
But not an "Animal Farm"
like George Orwell's allegorical novella
that criticized the rhetoric
of the Russian Revolution.
Always funny. Always.
I'm also proud to point out
Caldwell Farms' newest edition...
this gorgeous gazebo
built by none other than
your Principal Ablin.
Wow!
Why would you build them a gazebo?
Because I love it here,
and I hope to be buried
under it someday.
So in your face.
Well, my face is a shield,
so it bounces off and hits
your face twice as hard!
Double face!
Double face?
That's the worst of all faces.
Uh, now, before we move
on to the petting zoo,
does anyone have any questions?
Yes.
What are those things behind you?
Uh...
You mean the apples?
Ooh! Apples!
Very interesting.
What do they do?
They just...
They're apples!
Mom, no. Don't play First Day on Earth.
Let's just go to the petting zoo.
One second.
Gerald, so, these apples,
where are their parents?
Well, I suppose...
in a way, that's me.
Mom, please stop!
Does your mom really not
know what apples are?
She's just playing this dumb game
that she thinks is funny
but is definitely not funny.
Anna-Kat, what is wrong?!
Katie?
See, you eat it.
I know what a damn apple is, Ablin.
You are gonna be buried
under that gazebo
sooner than you think.
Excuse me.
I just got off the phone
with an old college friend
who works in infectious
diseases at the Mayo Clinic.
He said that food poisoning
from dairy products is very serious.
I think it's out of our systems.
It's not.
But it will be.
My friend gave very
specific instructions
on how to flush the
toxins from your bodies.
We're gonna sweat it out.
How long do we have to
stay in here like this?
- Just an hour.
- An hour?!
No way! I look like I've
been Chaka Khanned!
You know who Chaka Khan is?
Oh. That's a person?
I thought it meant being electrocuted.
Stay here. I'll be back to
check on you in an hour.
This sucks!
I hate being sick!
You're not really sick.
Oh, yeah.
- Hey. How's the trip going?
- Terrible.
I need the nice parent's
perspective on the situation.
I have been trying to have
fun with Anna-Kat all day,
but she keeps shutting me down.
I've been doing our greatest hits...
sang songs, First Day on Earth.
Maybe you're trying too
hard. Just be yourself.
If I were myself, I wouldn't
be on this field trip.
It's Anna-Kat. You
know what she likes...
true crime fiction, the
wrath of Mother Nature,
YouTube videos of sleeping
bears falling out of trees.
And ponies.
Maybe I'm not trying too hard,
but, actually, I'm not
trying hard enough.
So the opposite of what I just said?
I use you as a sounding board, Greg.
I don't come to you for answers.
I'll give you a Jolly Rancher
if you help me bond with my kid.
You're mine now.
Now, step two.
You need to put this all
over your faces and bodies.
- What is that?
- It's a homemade salve
of mustard, turmeric, and garlic.
Now that the toxins are out,
you need to put this in
your pores immediately.
That's not necessary, Dad.
We're feeling much better.
Do you guys know what
alkaline-hepatitis-12 is?
- No.
- Well, you can get it
if you don't do this.
When you're done putting it
on, get back in the bathroom.
Okay, now you have to let the heat
melt it into your pores.
I'll be back in an hour.
We're missing a lot of fun.
Pictures can be deceiving.
There's a video.
This is the best time of my life!
It's just one person.
We're all having the
best time of our lives!
Hey, Anna-Kat, look who I just found!
It is Major Cuddles!
And he has come to life!
Mom, no.
Playing with toy ponies is one thing,
but playing with real-life ponies
is even better.
You still play with toy ponies?
No.
Ponies are for babies.
Ohh! Mrs. Otto.
Please put Beverly back!
She spooks easily
a-and needs the structure of her corral.
I don't know who Beverly is.
This is Major Cuddles.
Do you and your friends
want to pet Major Cuddles?
Can you stop? Please.
Come on, Anna-Kat.
I took the day off to hang out with you.
Can we talk about this later?
Why can't we talk about it now?
Because you're ruining the field trip.
I am not ruining the field trip.
Am I, Major Cuddles?
My gazebo!
Beverly!
Okay. Now I'm ruining the field trip.
Beverly! Come back here, girl!
Beverly, please come home!
Maybe all of this
yelling is scaring her.
We should ease up for a sec.
That's good advice for you, too.
Hey! That is not fair.
You know, the only reason that
I came on this field trip
was because I felt bad
about working a lot lately
and not spending enough time with you.
You're just trying to
force having fun with me.
It is not forced.
I am just trying to connect
by doing things you like.
First Day on Earth, singing "Mickey"...
I don't like those things anymore.
Well, what about ponies?
You were just playing with
your ponies yesterday at home.
Yeah... at home.
I don't need my friends knowing
I still play with ponies.
Can't you see how that can
be embarrassing for me?
Yeah.
Mom, I've changed. I like
different stuff now.
I have new friends,
and I just want to be
like everyone else.
It's almost time to go.
I'm gonna go get on the bus.
Well, we found Beverly.
She's back in her corral,
sleeping under four weighted blankets.
Man. I blinked for a second,
and she changed on me.
No matter how many times it happens,
I'm never ready for it.
I know what you mean.
I wasn't ready to lose my gazebo, but...
here I am.
I'll get you for this, Katie Otto.
Okay, that's enough of that.
Get me in the shower immediately!
Hang on. There's one last
thing you need to do.
Put these in your ears.
You have to be joking.
I know, but in most of the world,
onions are used to treat
all sorts of illnesses.
This is quick... five minutes,
and then you're totally done.
What do the scallions do?
They make you look more ridiculous.
What are you doing?
After your mother threw
me off the school bus,
I came home to check on you guys.
I quickly found Trip and Cooper,
who are for sure the worst
hiders in the world.
When I asked them what
they were doing there,
Cooper started giving me what
was clearly an elaborate lie.
I made it clear unless
he told me the truth,
I'd tell your mother everything.
He immediately spilled his guts.
When I asked Trip to confirm the story,
he said he couldn't because he
didn't know what was going on.
If you guys ever lie to me again,
I will post this picture everywhere
so all your friends see it.
I'll post it at the school
library, at Izzo's Hardware...
It would just be easier to
post it on the Internet.
Why are you helping him?
That was really messed up, Dad.
I thought you were the nice parent.
I am nice, but you took advantage of me,
so the lesson is, never
piss off the nice parent,
because if you do, you get
punished 10 times harder.
You'll also be happy to know
the stuff you rubbed all over yourself
turned out to be a darn
good salad dressing.
Yeah, that really turns my day around.
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine ♪
♪ You're so fine, you blow my mind ♪
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine ♪
♪ You're so fine, you blow my mind ♪
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪
♪ Oh, Mickey, what a pity,
you don't understand ♪
♪ You take me by the heart
when you take me by the hand ♪
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so pretty,
you don't understand ♪
It's guys like you, Mickey!
♪ Oh, what you do, Mickey, do, Mickey ♪
♪ Don't break my heart, Mickey ♪
Thanks for throwing me a bone.
No problem.
And if you want to chaperone
another field trip,
- if you behave...
- Mm-hmm.
... I'd be okay with that.
That is so sweet.
But I've been banned
from all field trips.
Was that the point of the whole day?
No. Just an awesome bonus.
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine ♪
♪ You're so fine, you blow my mind ♪
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪
They totally fell for it.
You're a real hard-ass today.
I know. It was really fun.
What is going on around here?
You're mean.
Anna-Kat has become a
normal kid with friends.
Wait, let me check something.
Taylor, how you doing, honey?
Good! Doing homework! Love you so much!
I have no idea what's going on anymore.
That's weird. There's nobody here.
Hmm.
In your face!
---
Packed your favorite... strawberries.
Mom, strawberries aren't
my favorite fruit anymore.
Since when?
Since I had the pleasure
of tasting a tangelo.
Now my top five fruits are, in order,
tangelos, guava, tomatoes...
they're a fruit, Google it...
kiwi, and pluots.
Got to love Westport.
The closest I got to
fresh fruit as a kid
was wild cherry cough drops.
Oh, no!
Principal Ablin's gonna ask me
to chaperone another one of
Anna-Kat's class field trips!
Katie, I need to speak to you
about the field trip tomorrow.
I got to come up with an excuse.
What have I used in the past?
I've done root canal.
I've done malaria twice.
I had my hip replaced
at a very young age.
Wait.
I actually have a legitimate excuse
for not going on the field trip!
Katie, I was wondering if you w...
I can't chaperone the field trip!
I have a job!
Ha! In your face!
Why is it in my face?
I don't know. You figure it
out. You're the educator.
Long day at work?
Long month at work.
I have been working overtime
planning the Founder's Day Fair.
- What's that?
- It is the fair in three weeks
that celebrates the founding
fathers of Westport.
All I know is, I ordered a
gluten-free funnel cake today,
and part of me died.
I could really use a
big-time pony play session
with you right now.
Okay. Choose your filly.
Where's Sir Sparkles?
He died last month saving Sassy Sadie
from drowning in the toilet.
I begged him to learn how to swim.
I don't recognize most of these ponies.
I've gotten a lot of new ones lately.
Here's my favorite... Major Cuddles!
Major isn't just his rank,
but also how I describe his hugs,
because even though he's military,
he's not emotionally distant.
Anna-Kat, I'm sorry
that I've been working
nights and weekends
and haven't been able to
play with you as much.
It's okay, Mom. I know you're busy.
I actually don't expect
you to be around,
so I just assume you won't be.
And the new number-one thing a
mother never wants to hear is...
what Anna-Kat just said.
Till Oliver says, "We're
putting you in a home.
No cable."
Did you know Sir Sparkles died?
Oh, yeah. That was a rough one.
He didn't have a will.
His colts are still
fighting over his estate.
I used to know everything
going on with her.
I feel so disconnected.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
I bet you know all the pony names.
Of course I do. I'm a good parent.
... married to another good parent.
Mm-hmm.
So, here we are...
two good parents.
I'm just having a hard time with
the work/life balance thing.
Look, we're lucky I can
adjust my schedule
and work out of the house
more and be with the kids.
When one of us is busy,
the other can pick up
the slack. We're a team.
I know, but I still feel bad.
Anna-Kat is getting older,
and I don't want our
relationship to become
like my relationship with Taylor.
What's wrong with that?
Taylor, how you doing, honey?
Get off my back, man!
Well, if you want to spend
more time with Anna-Kat,
maybe you should chaperone the
field trip instead of me.
You're chaperoning?
Yeah, Ablin called and asked me to go.
Well, look at you...
knowing pony names,
chaperoning field trips.
Part of the problem is,
you're too nice of a dad.
You need to be worse.
When it comes to parenting,
I don't go up to you...
you come down to me.
Why do I always have
to come down to you?
I don't do self-improvement.
You knew that when you married me, bro.
I don't feel well.
Yeah, right! Go get dressed.
I'm being serious!
I've been throwing up all night.
Why don't you ever believe me?
- 'Cause you always fake being sick.
- Mm-hmm.
You're thinking of Mom and malaria.
I do do that.
I swear... I'm really sick.
Trip is going to Thunder Park
for senior ditch day, and I want to go.
So fake being sick.
I fake being sick way too many times.
Unless I barf up some arthritis...
- That's not a thing.
- ... then Mom and Dad won't buy it.
I need your help.
They might not buy you being sick,
but they will if we both are sick.
Wait... you're sick?
That's great! Then you can get me sick!
Quick... sneeze in my mouth.
No! I'll also fake being sick.
Oh.
They'll never think we're both lying.
But if I do this for you,
you guys need to take me and
Cooper to Thunder Park.
Fine.
What's the plan?
I've been throwing up all night.
Oh, no. Taylor, too.
Geez, if they're both sick,
then maybe Taylor is
not lying after all.
Maybe they have food poisoning.
Just follow my lead.
Hey, Mom?
Can I have this yogurt smoothie
I found in the fridge?
Sure.
Great. It looks delicious.
Hey, Taylor, you want to share
this yogurt smoothie I
found in the fridge?
It looks delicious.
Sure. It looks delicious.
Oh, no! It's expired.
Oh, who cares?
Mom always said it's
okay to eat expired food
if it's in the two-week buffer zone.
Oh, well. Bottoms up.
You guys are total idiots for
drinking that expired smoothie.
But it was in the buffer zone!
- Did you smell it?
- No.
Everyone knows you got to smell it
if it's in the buffer zone.
That is buffer zone 101.
Back to bed. No school
for you two today.
I'm sorry I can't stay
and take care of them.
I have to go on Anna-Kat's field trip.
Oh, don't worry, Dad.
Oliver and I can take
care of each other.
That's sweet.
Stop being the nice parent.
You're making me look bad.
You could try being the nice parent.
We can't change it up now, Greg.
- We are in this way too deep.
- Hmm.
I need some advice on
what to do with Anna-Kat.
I don't have time to do the fun stuff
that we usually do
together because of work.
Oh. I can totally relate to that.
- Really?
- That's not possible.
Recently, I started spending
more time at home with the kids,
but then I felt like I was missing out
on all this fun stuff
at the country club.
I felt bad for neglecting the club,
so I started spending less time at home.
Hmm.
Katie, if you want to spend
time with your kids,
then sometimes that means
doing things with them
that you don't want to
do... like chaperoning.
But I already did that last year.
Yeah, well, it's kind of like
the mammogram of parenting.
Ugh. Just another way they
put the squeeze on us!
I don't want to chaperone again.
It was just a lot of me saying,
"Don't wander off! Stay together!
Don't climb on that!"
"Don't tell your mom I hit you."
But I did have fun with Anna-Kat.
We sang songs on the bus,
and we made up this game
where we pretended not to know anything
because it was our first day on Earth.
- Example, please.
- Mm.
"What is this mysterious
brown substance?"
Yeah, I don't care anymore.
Katie, there's no
reason why you can't go
on that field trip today and
reconnect with Anna-Kat.
You're right.
- I'm gonna do it.
- Great.
When do they leave?
10 minutes.
- Damn! I got to go.
- Oh.
You didn't really hit a kid
on a field trip, did you?
Oh.
Your son didn't tell you?
Damn, you're a good mom!
You didn't raise a narc!
All right, kids.
Everyone take your seats. We're leaving.
Good morning, room 5!
My name is Katie Otto, Anna-Kat's mom,
and I am here to chaperone
your field trip
to Caldwell Farms.
Katie, what are you doing here?
I think my announcement one second ago
was pretty clear about that.
Yeah, but I took the day
off from work to...
What are you doing here?
I thought you had a job.
I do have a job.
And I took a day off from that job
to do an even more important job...
to connect with my daughter.
In your face.
I will not have that in my face again.
All right, let's get
this field trip started
with a little bus song.
♪ Hey, Mickey, you're so fine ♪
♪ You're so fine, you blow my mind ♪
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪
Come on, Anna-Kat!
What are you doing?
What is a bus ride without a sing-along?
Come on, everybody!
♪ Hey, Mickey, you're so... ♪
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine ♪
♪ You're the finest in my mind ♪
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪
Hey, Mickey!
Dude! What are you doing?
Mom always said to dance like
no one's watching and...
to sleep like nobody's watching.
I had trouble sleeping.
I thought people were watching me.
Sorry. Ablin ruined everything.
Yeah.
Mother always said that, too.
The smoothie plan worked perfectly.
Sometimes I think about
using my powers for good,
and then I do stuff like
this and I think...
Nah.
So, you drank expired yogurt
and it didn't make you sick?
How'd you pull that off?
It wasn't really expired.
So how'd you get sick?
We faked it.
You don't need to understand
the plan for it to work.
Oh, thank God.
Cooper, how'd you get
out of school today?
Oh, I don't really have to
worry about stuff like that.
_
You get a boat!
And you get a boat!
And you get a boat!
Oh, no. Dad's home.
He's supposed to be on
Anna-Kat's field trip!
- Guys, go hide.
- Why? Then I won't get to see your dad.
That's the point.
You don't need to understand
the plan for it to work.
Let's vámanos, compadre.
Come on. We got to make
ourselves look sick again.
Hey, guys. I'm not going on
Anna-Kat's field trip anymore,
so I came home to see how you're doing.
I still feel sick.
I feel like Taylor reads... terrible.
Oh, no. Sounds like
you're getting worse.
I better stay here and
take care of you guys.
Y-You shouldn't stay home
just because we're sick.
Why not grab some quality Greg time?
Yeah, go catch a movie.
There's two Ruth Bader
Ginsburg films out.
She's your celebrity hall
pass, for God's sake.
I'm happy to take care of you two.
I'm gonna make you some of my
mother's famous chicken soup.
Do you know what the
secret ingredient is?
- Is it love?
- Love?
No. It's...
I don't want to tell you anymore.
Ugh. Now instead of ditch day,
we have to stay home and
pretend to be sick.
Yeah, I know. I was here, too.
Don't wander off. Stay together.
Don't climb on that!
Caldwell Farms is a fully functional
fruit and animal farm.
But not an "Animal Farm"
like George Orwell's allegorical novella
that criticized the rhetoric
of the Russian Revolution.
Always funny. Always.
I'm also proud to point out
Caldwell Farms' newest edition...
this gorgeous gazebo
built by none other than
your Principal Ablin.
Wow!
Why would you build them a gazebo?
Because I love it here,
and I hope to be buried
under it someday.
So in your face.
Well, my face is a shield,
so it bounces off and hits
your face twice as hard!
Double face!
Double face?
That's the worst of all faces.
Uh, now, before we move
on to the petting zoo,
does anyone have any questions?
Yes.
What are those things behind you?
Uh...
You mean the apples?
Ooh! Apples!
Very interesting.
What do they do?
They just...
They're apples!
Mom, no. Don't play First Day on Earth.
Let's just go to the petting zoo.
One second.
Gerald, so, these apples,
where are their parents?
Well, I suppose...
in a way, that's me.
Mom, please stop!
Does your mom really not
know what apples are?
She's just playing this dumb game
that she thinks is funny
but is definitely not funny.
Anna-Kat, what is wrong?!
Katie?
See, you eat it.
I know what a damn apple is, Ablin.
You are gonna be buried
under that gazebo
sooner than you think.
Excuse me.
I just got off the phone
with an old college friend
who works in infectious
diseases at the Mayo Clinic.
He said that food poisoning
from dairy products is very serious.
I think it's out of our systems.
It's not.
But it will be.
My friend gave very
specific instructions
on how to flush the
toxins from your bodies.
We're gonna sweat it out.
How long do we have to
stay in here like this?
- Just an hour.
- An hour?!
No way! I look like I've
been Chaka Khanned!
You know who Chaka Khan is?
Oh. That's a person?
I thought it meant being electrocuted.
Stay here. I'll be back to
check on you in an hour.
This sucks!
I hate being sick!
You're not really sick.
Oh, yeah.
- Hey. How's the trip going?
- Terrible.
I need the nice parent's
perspective on the situation.
I have been trying to have
fun with Anna-Kat all day,
but she keeps shutting me down.
I've been doing our greatest hits...
sang songs, First Day on Earth.
Maybe you're trying too
hard. Just be yourself.
If I were myself, I wouldn't
be on this field trip.
It's Anna-Kat. You
know what she likes...
true crime fiction, the
wrath of Mother Nature,
YouTube videos of sleeping
bears falling out of trees.
And ponies.
Maybe I'm not trying too hard,
but, actually, I'm not
trying hard enough.
So the opposite of what I just said?
I use you as a sounding board, Greg.
I don't come to you for answers.
I'll give you a Jolly Rancher
if you help me bond with my kid.
You're mine now.
Now, step two.
You need to put this all
over your faces and bodies.
- What is that?
- It's a homemade salve
of mustard, turmeric, and garlic.
Now that the toxins are out,
you need to put this in
your pores immediately.
That's not necessary, Dad.
We're feeling much better.
Do you guys know what
alkaline-hepatitis-12 is?
- No.
- Well, you can get it
if you don't do this.
When you're done putting it
on, get back in the bathroom.
Okay, now you have to let the heat
melt it into your pores.
I'll be back in an hour.
We're missing a lot of fun.
Pictures can be deceiving.
There's a video.
This is the best time of my life!
It's just one person.
We're all having the
best time of our lives!
Hey, Anna-Kat, look who I just found!
It is Major Cuddles!
And he has come to life!
Mom, no.
Playing with toy ponies is one thing,
but playing with real-life ponies
is even better.
You still play with toy ponies?
No.
Ponies are for babies.
Ohh! Mrs. Otto.
Please put Beverly back!
She spooks easily
a-and needs the structure of her corral.
I don't know who Beverly is.
This is Major Cuddles.
Do you and your friends
want to pet Major Cuddles?
Can you stop? Please.
Come on, Anna-Kat.
I took the day off to hang out with you.
Can we talk about this later?
Why can't we talk about it now?
Because you're ruining the field trip.
I am not ruining the field trip.
Am I, Major Cuddles?
My gazebo!
Beverly!
Okay. Now I'm ruining the field trip.
Beverly! Come back here, girl!
Beverly, please come home!
Maybe all of this
yelling is scaring her.
We should ease up for a sec.
That's good advice for you, too.
Hey! That is not fair.
You know, the only reason that
I came on this field trip
was because I felt bad
about working a lot lately
and not spending enough time with you.
You're just trying to
force having fun with me.
It is not forced.
I am just trying to connect
by doing things you like.
First Day on Earth, singing "Mickey"...
I don't like those things anymore.
Well, what about ponies?
You were just playing with
your ponies yesterday at home.
Yeah... at home.
I don't need my friends knowing
I still play with ponies.
Can't you see how that can
be embarrassing for me?
Yeah.
Mom, I've changed. I like
different stuff now.
I have new friends,
and I just want to be
like everyone else.
It's almost time to go.
I'm gonna go get on the bus.
Well, we found Beverly.
She's back in her corral,
sleeping under four weighted blankets.
Man. I blinked for a second,
and she changed on me.
No matter how many times it happens,
I'm never ready for it.
I know what you mean.
I wasn't ready to lose my gazebo, but...
here I am.
I'll get you for this, Katie Otto.
Okay, that's enough of that.
Get me in the shower immediately!
Hang on. There's one last
thing you need to do.
Put these in your ears.
You have to be joking.
I know, but in most of the world,
onions are used to treat
all sorts of illnesses.
This is quick... five minutes,
and then you're totally done.
What do the scallions do?
They make you look more ridiculous.
What are you doing?
After your mother threw
me off the school bus,
I came home to check on you guys.
I quickly found Trip and Cooper,
who are for sure the worst
hiders in the world.
When I asked them what
they were doing there,
Cooper started giving me what
was clearly an elaborate lie.
I made it clear unless
he told me the truth,
I'd tell your mother everything.
He immediately spilled his guts.
When I asked Trip to confirm the story,
he said he couldn't because he
didn't know what was going on.
If you guys ever lie to me again,
I will post this picture everywhere
so all your friends see it.
I'll post it at the school
library, at Izzo's Hardware...
It would just be easier to
post it on the Internet.
Why are you helping him?
That was really messed up, Dad.
I thought you were the nice parent.
I am nice, but you took advantage of me,
so the lesson is, never
piss off the nice parent,
because if you do, you get
punished 10 times harder.
You'll also be happy to know
the stuff you rubbed all over yourself
turned out to be a darn
good salad dressing.
Yeah, that really turns my day around.
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine ♪
♪ You're so fine, you blow my mind ♪
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine ♪
♪ You're so fine, you blow my mind ♪
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪
♪ Oh, Mickey, what a pity,
you don't understand ♪
♪ You take me by the heart
when you take me by the hand ♪
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so pretty,
you don't understand ♪
It's guys like you, Mickey!
♪ Oh, what you do, Mickey, do, Mickey ♪
♪ Don't break my heart, Mickey ♪
Thanks for throwing me a bone.
No problem.
And if you want to chaperone
another field trip,
- if you behave...
- Mm-hmm.
... I'd be okay with that.
That is so sweet.
But I've been banned
from all field trips.
Was that the point of the whole day?
No. Just an awesome bonus.
♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine ♪
♪ You're so fine, you blow my mind ♪
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪
They totally fell for it.
You're a real hard-ass today.
I know. It was really fun.
What is going on around here?
You're mean.
Anna-Kat has become a
normal kid with friends.
Wait, let me check something.
Taylor, how you doing, honey?
Good! Doing homework! Love you so much!
I have no idea what's going on anymore.
That's weird. There's nobody here.
Hmm.
In your face!