American Housewife (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 19 - Episode #3.19 - full transcript
Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
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So, does your family's business
only manufacture corrugated cardboard?
Or do they also make binder's board,
counterboard, solid bleached board...
You Googled "types of cardboard"
before this, didn't you?
I make time for the things I care about.
Same. That's why I spent
all day with you.
I had a really nice time.
See you at school, Ollie.
So, things are getting
pretty serious, "Ollie."
Call me that again and we start looking
for retirement homes this weekend.
But, yeah. She's great.
- Nice, smart...
- And rich.
Yeah, but they're "make their kids drive
old Mercedes to keep them
grounded" rich.
Not my favorite kind of rich,
but I still like her.
Is all this stuff for Anna-Kat's
playdate this weekend?
Yeah. These are popular girls.
They can make Anna-Kat.
This playdate has to be amazing.
I'm sure they're gonna have fun.
Fun isn't enough.
It has to be the best playdate
of their lives.
I'm going to buy goodie bags.
It doesn't matter how rich a kid is.
You put 4 bucks of crap in a little bag,
they go nuts.
I know I'm grounded, but can
I go to Trip's game tomorrow?
I don't know. Is Trip's game tomorrow
two weeks in the future,
where you're not grounded anymore?
- Um...
- No, you can't go.
Why can't you punish me
when I have nothing going on?
You think I like doing this?
Well, I do like doing this.
But I also have to.
It's my responsibility as a parent.
You'll understand someday.
Fine-ah!
Why is she grounded?
Her back-talk is out of control.
Don't forget to return
your library books today.
You have your own bedroom!
Why do you have to live up my ass?!
It's gonna be a hell of a weekend...
the kind that can destroy a parent.
But I've got it.
That's why they pay me
the big imaginary bucks.
Are you okay? You don't look so hot.
I feel a little... off.
I'll be fine.
Have to be.
There's nothing to worry about.
You couldn't throw up
on the garbage disposal side?
Ugh.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
I'm sick.
And I am in charge of
Anna-Kat's playdate tomorrow.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
So, ask Greg.
He has a work thing.
Mm. You just let us know what you need.
Oh, really? What do you guys
have going on tomorrow?
- Oh, um, well, we're going to a...
- We're...
Guys, you there?
Guys, I know the screen didn't freeze.
Everyone is moving around you.
The waiter is filling your coffee.
Ugh, fine.
I wouldn't do it for you, either.
Bye, Katie. We love you.
- Feel better!
- Mwah.
- Whoa.
- What whoa?
It's none of your concern.
You seem to be confusing me with
someone you can say that to.
Gina Tuscadero?
"Home from Deervale. Want to hang?"
You are not really thinking
of seeing her, are you?
I don't know. Mm.
She broke your heart.
You laid curled up on this couch
for two months moaning about it.
It was pretty pathetic.
You did the exact same thing
when McDreamy
was killed off "Grey's."
Someone died, Oliver.
Besides, now you're seeing Brie,
who hasn't lied to your face,
broken your heart,
and made you cry so hard, you did this.
You promised you'd never
bring that up again.
Just to be clear,
Gina is not allowed in this house.
I am adding her to the banned list,
along with gluten-free
Girl Scout cookies.
I mean, this is America, isn't it?
I made you some soup.
How you feeling?
- Not great.
- Mm.
I have to keep an eye
on Oliver and Taylor
- and oversee Anna-Kat's playdate.
- Mm.
How's your work thing?
I have to go see my assistant's
stand-up comedy show.
That's your big work thing?
This is my chance
to finally get rid of him.
If Grant makes it in comedy,
he'll quit for sure.
Wouldn't it be easier just to fire him?
Trust me, it's easier to nurture
his passion for stand-up.
You know him.
He's kind of unstable
and obsessed with me.
The other day, right as we were
getting off the phone,
he said, "I love you."
Caught me by surprise,
so I said, "I love you, too."
Now he's got me saying it every time.
Grant.
About your showcase...
I'm so glad you're coming.
And I can't wait for our post-show hug,
which I think will go
something like this.
Mm.
Let's not get carried away.
Maybe you're right.
Is my dream of fame a mistake?
You know what?
I'll just stay here with you
in this office, forever.
No. No, no, uh, no. You love comedy.
Let's make a time capsule, right now,
to commemorate the day we decided
to grow old together.
I'll put in my undershirt.
Stop.
You need this.
You need to get up on that stage.
And then you need to get up
on other stages...
stages far away from this university.
And laughter is the universal language,
so you could go anywhere... like Russia.
You could go to Russia.
Thank you for your support,
Professor Otto.
Oh.
I need a ride. I can't drive.
My peripheral vision
is not what it used to be.
Plus, I have three DUIs.
So, you still have to get
the goodie bags
for Anna-Kat's playdate.
Actually, I couldn't cancel on Grant.
I wanted to tell you last night,
but you were sleeping.
Well, I can't reschedule
this playdate...
it took a month to get it on the books.
Don't worry... I found someone
who can sub in for you.
Katie?
Please tell me
it's anyone but my mother.
Tell me it's the guy who sells
pickles by the off-ramp.
Oh, come on.
When you're under the weather,
there's nothing better than a mom.
Hi, honey.
Ew! You're sick.
W-Why didn't you tell me she was sick?
Brought you some ginger ale.
Ah.
How are things with Dad?
Good, good.
We cuddle on the couch every night.
Oh, that's nice.
Actually, we don't have any choice.
The apartment is so small
that there's only room
for the one stupid love seat.
I need to show you the stuff
for Anna-Kat's playdate.
There's a binder.
- Seriously?
- Mom, please.
I need you not to suck at this.
Oh, relax.
- I raised you, didn't I?
- Not really.
You were never home.
I was alone while
you were traveling around,
boozing it up at airport bars.
Ah, good times, good times.
Everything's in the binder.
- Please just follow the instructions.
- It's a playdate.
God, parents these days.
They're... They're just
so uptight about everything.
Secondhand smoke made you
the woman you are.
This is my kid.
And I need you to do it my way.
And I need you to make sure
that Taylor doesn't leave the house.
And keep Oliver away
from his ex-girlfriend Gina.
Got it.
And you need to relax.
Just take it easy.
Uh, here.
Just take this.
Hm.
It's got a bit of a bite to it,
so probably best if you
don't try to get out of bed.
A bite? What did you give me?
Uh, it's off-label, uh, flu medication.
Yeah, I take them whenever
I'm feeling a little run down.
But most people use it
to sedate gorillas for transport.
Wait! The goodie bags.
You got to get them from the store.
- Well, that's not gonna happen.
- It has to happen!
They are the most impor...
They're the... the...
Wha...
What is happening?
Yeah, that pill kicks in
pretty quick, huh?
Oh, yeah. You know, I sanded
the slow-down coating off of them.
Oh.
Must be the girls.
Just a...
Just a...
Oh.
Those pills are a fun ride.
I wish I could join you.
Mnh.
Did my mom give you instructions?
Who can say?
Well, what should we do?
Go play outside now.
Good girls. Here we go.
Hey, did Mom say anything about us?
Uh, your mom isn't saying anything.
I gave her kind of a strong pill.
Yeah, uh, the FDA banned it
after some people who took it
forgot math.
Not just how to do it,
but... what it is.
Oh.
This is interesting.
Uh, why don't you two watch each other?
I'll be in the office.
Watch each other, huh?
Hey, do I have your permission
to invite Gina over?
Absolutely.
Do I have your permission
to go to Trip's game?
By all means.
Wow. Parenting is so easy.
All you got to do is
throw in a "Greeeeg!"
Yes, honey. I'm sorry, honey.
Mom? Where do you think you're going?
Party store.
I gotta get "goobie" bags.
You're in no condition to be driving.
You're sick.
And, more importantly,
Grandma's got you rollin' hard.
- Whatever.
- Don't you "whatever" me!
I am taking these,
you're going back to bed,
and that's that.
No, I'm fine to drive.
Get off of me.
- I said, get off!
- Fine!
Ugh!
Ah! "What's the deal with trail mix?
It's just M&M's that are hard to get to,
ammiright?"
You just need to be yourself up there.
Forget about the note cards.
- Forget the cards. Forget the cards.
- Thank you.
Just forget the cards. Forget the cards.
Tell stories about your life.
That's what people can relate to.
Come from a place of truth.
Truth. Okay.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
I have IBS.
It's extremely painful and inconvenient.
Why aren't you laughing?
Mm.
Dan!
How lucky that I was in town
when you texted.
Oh, and I see you, uh, brought...
- Mittens. You remember Mittens.
- Mittens, yeah.
I've been wanting to talk to you.
So much has happened
since you came to see me.
Oh, yeah, I'm so sorry to see
about your parents on Facebook.
- Yeah. One went right after the other.
- Mm.
They left all the money
to the cats and not me.
Oh?
Of course, they also
made me the executor,
so joke's on them.
- Oh, right.
- Cats just bought a new place in Aspen.
Grandma?
Oh, uh, Dan, why don't you
just wait in my office
while I get rid of the nightlight crew?
What are you three doing here?
We got cold.
And there aren't any good toys.
There are sticks.
Hit each other with sticks.
Grandma, I don't think
the playdate's going great.
Can we do something else?
How about a movie?
I only get 22 minutes of screen time.
Well, that is just ridiculous.
Now, growing girls your age
need at least four hours of TV a day.
Come on. Let's go.
- How about "Cinderella"?
- I've seen it.
- "Beauty and the Beast"?
- Seen it.
Oh.
Here's a cartoon with a talking hot dog.
Have you seen that?
- No.
- I'm a vegan, but okay.
Great. Enjoy.
You need to get some sleep.
So, when you wake up from your nap,
I'm gonna make you drink a lot of water.
I'm still cold.
Okay. Here you go.
Mm. That's better.
Okay. Well, you get some rest now.
It's too hot!
It's not too hot.
And I have other things to do
besides taking care of you!
I mean, when does my life begin?!
You're mean.
My grandma always said,
"Husbands are like potato chips.
You can't have just one."
Oh, fudge.
Hey.
Truth.
Truth.
Anyone else out here
have a terrible boss?
Yeah.
Mine's the worst.
Guy's crazy about elbow patches.
I swear he even has them on his pajamas.
We get it. You're a professor,
you douche-rocket.
You should see his browser history.
"Why do I have to pee so much at night?"
"How many carbs are in tiramisu?"
"Why is my wife mad at me?"
And he is so unappreciative.
Every morning,
I take a sip of his coffee
just to make sure it's warm
enough before I give it to him.
Never a "thank you."
It's like, uh, maybe I should fill it up
with elbow patches, you douche-rocket?
Yeah!
Deervale looks nice.
And to be honest, it's not that great.
It's really hard
not being the best dancer.
You were right.
I shouldn't have left.
I really miss you.
You have a cat?
Maybe.
This place is crazy.
We had a pig for a while.
To Christmas in Cabo
and New Year's in Aspen.
It's always a good time.
Mittens hates the snow, though.
And she absolutely refuses to wear hats.
She much prefers our
summer house in the Hamptons.
Oh, well, I get that.
I mean, the beach is like
one giant litter box.
- That's what she says!
- Mm.
I'm glad I reached out.
Seeing you again after all these years
has me wondering what my life
would've been like
had we not broken up in high school.
- Really?
- Mm.
I-I never thought about that.
You've obviously moved on,
so I shouldn't say this, but...
- you are gorgeous, Kathryn.
- Mm.
And Mittens could really use
a mother figure.
Go on.
- She wakes up meowing in the night...
- No, no. I-I meant about me.
Why is there a cat in our house?
She's looking for a new mommy.
I'm in the running.
I can't believe you scored a touchdown
and I wasn't there to cheer you on.
I'll put my phone in my helmet
for the second half
so it feels like you're here with me.
Okay, hold on. I just need
to check on my mom.
She's gone!
She must've snuck out
to get goodie bags.
No way.
Ooh, ooh! Dibs on one of those
little parachute guys!
I can't believe my mom snuck out!
27, 32, hike!
Uh-oh, Mike missed his block.
Ohh.
Ah. The keys are still here.
But if she didn't take the car,
then how did she...
Get out of my way! I need "doogie" bags!
What's that loser cat guy doing here?
Rich loser cat guy.
And we are having a drink.
Yeah, but what about Grandpa?
- Well, Grandpa's home.
- Yes.
Your home, where you live with him.
I thought you guys were back together.
This isn't right.
Who are you to judge me
when you have that hussy Gina upstairs?
You know about Gina?
Oh, please.
Oh, my God.
I'm as bad as you.
I've got Brie, who's great,
and you've got Grandpa, who's the best,
and we're both about to ruin this.
Huh. It would appear that you and I
share some of the same
self-destructive genes.
Yeah. You got that and my legs,
neither of which look good on you.
I just don't want
to ruin things with Brie.
Break the cycle. Don't be like me.
I made some decisions that
really messed up my life.
I mean, not only did I leave Grandpa,
I left my whole family.
And I came very close
to bringing down an entire presidency.
Come on, Grandma.
You have a second chance with Grandpa.
- You don't want to ruin that.
- I don't.
- Do I?
- No.
Okay. Let's go and tell
Gina and Dan that it's...
time for them to go.
Well, I just hope that Dan
takes it better than Ronnie did.
I just killed!
Oh, that's a comedy term
that means a lot of people laughed.
Look at this.
I'm already having trouble
communicating with civilians.
Am I really that terrible?
I m... I drove you all the way out here.
I left my family to support you.
Trying to guilt me.
I love it!
I'm gonna write that down,
put it in my act.
"Left my family. Professor Wah-Wah."
So good.
Sorry for the short notice,
but I'm gonna have to quit
my job to pursue my dreams.
I'm really gonna miss you, Professor Otto.
Okay, well, this is your place.
It was good knowing you.
Change of plans.
Keep driving.
We're gonna put the past
behind us and never look back.
I'm not gonna do that.
Worth a shot!
What do you think you're doing?!
- Pull over!
- Heeeellll no!
Seriously, Mom, pull over!
Now get in the car.
Stop trying to control me!
I am not trying to control you...
I'm just trying to keep you safe.
You're not the boss of me!
You are getting in this car,
and you are going to bed!
I hate you!
Oliver, we could just pick up
where we left off.
I'm trying to break the cycle.
What cycle?
The grandma-grandson love cycle.
You can just tell me
you don't want to see me.
You don't have to make up
all this freaky stuff.
That actually felt pretty good.
You see?
Now, we have it in us
to be kind, loyal people.
Good news.
Mittens loves your powder room toilet.
Number one and number two.
Your turn.
Dan...
I'm... I'm sorry, but...
I can't get into
a relationship with you.
I'm seeing someone else.
Oh.
We understand.
Did I mention I have a lake house?
Goodbye, Dan.
Who needs money when I have...
uh, when I have...
- Grandpa.
- Grandpa.
I'm not mad at you.
"I'm not mad at you."
I'm just upset with
the choice that you made.
You could've gotten hurt.
Fine-ah.
Wait.
Is that what I'm like?
I didn't realize how much work it was
to take care of another human being.
And you take care of all of us.
I'm really sorry for being such a jerk.
Can you forgive me?
That cold medicine you gave me
finally wore off.
I don't remember anything.
How was the playdate?
Everyone had the most amazing time.
That is so great!
Thank you for following
all my instructions.
Oh, I chucked that binder immediately.
What?
They figured it out,
just like I told you they would.
By the way, what movie did you
watch with your friends?
"Sausage Party."
Isn't that R-rated?
Like, super hard R-rated?
It is. No one else's parents
would ever let them watch it
in a million years.
Mom!
What? It's a cartoon.
Uh-oh.
Maddy's mom wants to know
why in the world
we'd expose her daughter
to such "explicit trash."
And Samantha's mom says
Samantha won't stop talking
about how she figured out
where baby hot dogs come from.
What were you thinking?
What are you so mad about?
Those girls love Anna-Kat,
Taylor didn't go to Trip's game,
and Oliver got rid of Gina.
You should be thanking me.
Plus, I didn't cheat on your dad.
I deserve a medal.
Next time I'm sick and you're not home,
just leave the kids with the dog.
I'm still trying to flush that pill
that my mom gave me out of my system.
So, you really don't remember
riding Anna-Kat's bike?
Not even a blur.
- Anything else you might've done?
- No. Why?
Huh.
Huh.
Well, at least we won't
lose track of him
at the dog park anymore.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
---
So, does your family's business
only manufacture corrugated cardboard?
Or do they also make binder's board,
counterboard, solid bleached board...
You Googled "types of cardboard"
before this, didn't you?
I make time for the things I care about.
Same. That's why I spent
all day with you.
I had a really nice time.
See you at school, Ollie.
So, things are getting
pretty serious, "Ollie."
Call me that again and we start looking
for retirement homes this weekend.
But, yeah. She's great.
- Nice, smart...
- And rich.
Yeah, but they're "make their kids drive
old Mercedes to keep them
grounded" rich.
Not my favorite kind of rich,
but I still like her.
Is all this stuff for Anna-Kat's
playdate this weekend?
Yeah. These are popular girls.
They can make Anna-Kat.
This playdate has to be amazing.
I'm sure they're gonna have fun.
Fun isn't enough.
It has to be the best playdate
of their lives.
I'm going to buy goodie bags.
It doesn't matter how rich a kid is.
You put 4 bucks of crap in a little bag,
they go nuts.
I know I'm grounded, but can
I go to Trip's game tomorrow?
I don't know. Is Trip's game tomorrow
two weeks in the future,
where you're not grounded anymore?
- Um...
- No, you can't go.
Why can't you punish me
when I have nothing going on?
You think I like doing this?
Well, I do like doing this.
But I also have to.
It's my responsibility as a parent.
You'll understand someday.
Fine-ah!
Why is she grounded?
Her back-talk is out of control.
Don't forget to return
your library books today.
You have your own bedroom!
Why do you have to live up my ass?!
It's gonna be a hell of a weekend...
the kind that can destroy a parent.
But I've got it.
That's why they pay me
the big imaginary bucks.
Are you okay? You don't look so hot.
I feel a little... off.
I'll be fine.
Have to be.
There's nothing to worry about.
You couldn't throw up
on the garbage disposal side?
Ugh.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
I'm sick.
And I am in charge of
Anna-Kat's playdate tomorrow.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
So, ask Greg.
He has a work thing.
Mm. You just let us know what you need.
Oh, really? What do you guys
have going on tomorrow?
- Oh, um, well, we're going to a...
- We're...
Guys, you there?
Guys, I know the screen didn't freeze.
Everyone is moving around you.
The waiter is filling your coffee.
Ugh, fine.
I wouldn't do it for you, either.
Bye, Katie. We love you.
- Feel better!
- Mwah.
- Whoa.
- What whoa?
It's none of your concern.
You seem to be confusing me with
someone you can say that to.
Gina Tuscadero?
"Home from Deervale. Want to hang?"
You are not really thinking
of seeing her, are you?
I don't know. Mm.
She broke your heart.
You laid curled up on this couch
for two months moaning about it.
It was pretty pathetic.
You did the exact same thing
when McDreamy
was killed off "Grey's."
Someone died, Oliver.
Besides, now you're seeing Brie,
who hasn't lied to your face,
broken your heart,
and made you cry so hard, you did this.
You promised you'd never
bring that up again.
Just to be clear,
Gina is not allowed in this house.
I am adding her to the banned list,
along with gluten-free
Girl Scout cookies.
I mean, this is America, isn't it?
I made you some soup.
How you feeling?
- Not great.
- Mm.
I have to keep an eye
on Oliver and Taylor
- and oversee Anna-Kat's playdate.
- Mm.
How's your work thing?
I have to go see my assistant's
stand-up comedy show.
That's your big work thing?
This is my chance
to finally get rid of him.
If Grant makes it in comedy,
he'll quit for sure.
Wouldn't it be easier just to fire him?
Trust me, it's easier to nurture
his passion for stand-up.
You know him.
He's kind of unstable
and obsessed with me.
The other day, right as we were
getting off the phone,
he said, "I love you."
Caught me by surprise,
so I said, "I love you, too."
Now he's got me saying it every time.
Grant.
About your showcase...
I'm so glad you're coming.
And I can't wait for our post-show hug,
which I think will go
something like this.
Mm.
Let's not get carried away.
Maybe you're right.
Is my dream of fame a mistake?
You know what?
I'll just stay here with you
in this office, forever.
No. No, no, uh, no. You love comedy.
Let's make a time capsule, right now,
to commemorate the day we decided
to grow old together.
I'll put in my undershirt.
Stop.
You need this.
You need to get up on that stage.
And then you need to get up
on other stages...
stages far away from this university.
And laughter is the universal language,
so you could go anywhere... like Russia.
You could go to Russia.
Thank you for your support,
Professor Otto.
Oh.
I need a ride. I can't drive.
My peripheral vision
is not what it used to be.
Plus, I have three DUIs.
So, you still have to get
the goodie bags
for Anna-Kat's playdate.
Actually, I couldn't cancel on Grant.
I wanted to tell you last night,
but you were sleeping.
Well, I can't reschedule
this playdate...
it took a month to get it on the books.
Don't worry... I found someone
who can sub in for you.
Katie?
Please tell me
it's anyone but my mother.
Tell me it's the guy who sells
pickles by the off-ramp.
Oh, come on.
When you're under the weather,
there's nothing better than a mom.
Hi, honey.
Ew! You're sick.
W-Why didn't you tell me she was sick?
Brought you some ginger ale.
Ah.
How are things with Dad?
Good, good.
We cuddle on the couch every night.
Oh, that's nice.
Actually, we don't have any choice.
The apartment is so small
that there's only room
for the one stupid love seat.
I need to show you the stuff
for Anna-Kat's playdate.
There's a binder.
- Seriously?
- Mom, please.
I need you not to suck at this.
Oh, relax.
- I raised you, didn't I?
- Not really.
You were never home.
I was alone while
you were traveling around,
boozing it up at airport bars.
Ah, good times, good times.
Everything's in the binder.
- Please just follow the instructions.
- It's a playdate.
God, parents these days.
They're... They're just
so uptight about everything.
Secondhand smoke made you
the woman you are.
This is my kid.
And I need you to do it my way.
And I need you to make sure
that Taylor doesn't leave the house.
And keep Oliver away
from his ex-girlfriend Gina.
Got it.
And you need to relax.
Just take it easy.
Uh, here.
Just take this.
Hm.
It's got a bit of a bite to it,
so probably best if you
don't try to get out of bed.
A bite? What did you give me?
Uh, it's off-label, uh, flu medication.
Yeah, I take them whenever
I'm feeling a little run down.
But most people use it
to sedate gorillas for transport.
Wait! The goodie bags.
You got to get them from the store.
- Well, that's not gonna happen.
- It has to happen!
They are the most impor...
They're the... the...
Wha...
What is happening?
Yeah, that pill kicks in
pretty quick, huh?
Oh, yeah. You know, I sanded
the slow-down coating off of them.
Oh.
Must be the girls.
Just a...
Just a...
Oh.
Those pills are a fun ride.
I wish I could join you.
Mnh.
Did my mom give you instructions?
Who can say?
Well, what should we do?
Go play outside now.
Good girls. Here we go.
Hey, did Mom say anything about us?
Uh, your mom isn't saying anything.
I gave her kind of a strong pill.
Yeah, uh, the FDA banned it
after some people who took it
forgot math.
Not just how to do it,
but... what it is.
Oh.
This is interesting.
Uh, why don't you two watch each other?
I'll be in the office.
Watch each other, huh?
Hey, do I have your permission
to invite Gina over?
Absolutely.
Do I have your permission
to go to Trip's game?
By all means.
Wow. Parenting is so easy.
All you got to do is
throw in a "Greeeeg!"
Yes, honey. I'm sorry, honey.
Mom? Where do you think you're going?
Party store.
I gotta get "goobie" bags.
You're in no condition to be driving.
You're sick.
And, more importantly,
Grandma's got you rollin' hard.
- Whatever.
- Don't you "whatever" me!
I am taking these,
you're going back to bed,
and that's that.
No, I'm fine to drive.
Get off of me.
- I said, get off!
- Fine!
Ugh!
Ah! "What's the deal with trail mix?
It's just M&M's that are hard to get to,
ammiright?"
You just need to be yourself up there.
Forget about the note cards.
- Forget the cards. Forget the cards.
- Thank you.
Just forget the cards. Forget the cards.
Tell stories about your life.
That's what people can relate to.
Come from a place of truth.
Truth. Okay.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
I have IBS.
It's extremely painful and inconvenient.
Why aren't you laughing?
Mm.
Dan!
How lucky that I was in town
when you texted.
Oh, and I see you, uh, brought...
- Mittens. You remember Mittens.
- Mittens, yeah.
I've been wanting to talk to you.
So much has happened
since you came to see me.
Oh, yeah, I'm so sorry to see
about your parents on Facebook.
- Yeah. One went right after the other.
- Mm.
They left all the money
to the cats and not me.
Oh?
Of course, they also
made me the executor,
so joke's on them.
- Oh, right.
- Cats just bought a new place in Aspen.
Grandma?
Oh, uh, Dan, why don't you
just wait in my office
while I get rid of the nightlight crew?
What are you three doing here?
We got cold.
And there aren't any good toys.
There are sticks.
Hit each other with sticks.
Grandma, I don't think
the playdate's going great.
Can we do something else?
How about a movie?
I only get 22 minutes of screen time.
Well, that is just ridiculous.
Now, growing girls your age
need at least four hours of TV a day.
Come on. Let's go.
- How about "Cinderella"?
- I've seen it.
- "Beauty and the Beast"?
- Seen it.
Oh.
Here's a cartoon with a talking hot dog.
Have you seen that?
- No.
- I'm a vegan, but okay.
Great. Enjoy.
You need to get some sleep.
So, when you wake up from your nap,
I'm gonna make you drink a lot of water.
I'm still cold.
Okay. Here you go.
Mm. That's better.
Okay. Well, you get some rest now.
It's too hot!
It's not too hot.
And I have other things to do
besides taking care of you!
I mean, when does my life begin?!
You're mean.
My grandma always said,
"Husbands are like potato chips.
You can't have just one."
Oh, fudge.
Hey.
Truth.
Truth.
Anyone else out here
have a terrible boss?
Yeah.
Mine's the worst.
Guy's crazy about elbow patches.
I swear he even has them on his pajamas.
We get it. You're a professor,
you douche-rocket.
You should see his browser history.
"Why do I have to pee so much at night?"
"How many carbs are in tiramisu?"
"Why is my wife mad at me?"
And he is so unappreciative.
Every morning,
I take a sip of his coffee
just to make sure it's warm
enough before I give it to him.
Never a "thank you."
It's like, uh, maybe I should fill it up
with elbow patches, you douche-rocket?
Yeah!
Deervale looks nice.
And to be honest, it's not that great.
It's really hard
not being the best dancer.
You were right.
I shouldn't have left.
I really miss you.
You have a cat?
Maybe.
This place is crazy.
We had a pig for a while.
To Christmas in Cabo
and New Year's in Aspen.
It's always a good time.
Mittens hates the snow, though.
And she absolutely refuses to wear hats.
She much prefers our
summer house in the Hamptons.
Oh, well, I get that.
I mean, the beach is like
one giant litter box.
- That's what she says!
- Mm.
I'm glad I reached out.
Seeing you again after all these years
has me wondering what my life
would've been like
had we not broken up in high school.
- Really?
- Mm.
I-I never thought about that.
You've obviously moved on,
so I shouldn't say this, but...
- you are gorgeous, Kathryn.
- Mm.
And Mittens could really use
a mother figure.
Go on.
- She wakes up meowing in the night...
- No, no. I-I meant about me.
Why is there a cat in our house?
She's looking for a new mommy.
I'm in the running.
I can't believe you scored a touchdown
and I wasn't there to cheer you on.
I'll put my phone in my helmet
for the second half
so it feels like you're here with me.
Okay, hold on. I just need
to check on my mom.
She's gone!
She must've snuck out
to get goodie bags.
No way.
Ooh, ooh! Dibs on one of those
little parachute guys!
I can't believe my mom snuck out!
27, 32, hike!
Uh-oh, Mike missed his block.
Ohh.
Ah. The keys are still here.
But if she didn't take the car,
then how did she...
Get out of my way! I need "doogie" bags!
What's that loser cat guy doing here?
Rich loser cat guy.
And we are having a drink.
Yeah, but what about Grandpa?
- Well, Grandpa's home.
- Yes.
Your home, where you live with him.
I thought you guys were back together.
This isn't right.
Who are you to judge me
when you have that hussy Gina upstairs?
You know about Gina?
Oh, please.
Oh, my God.
I'm as bad as you.
I've got Brie, who's great,
and you've got Grandpa, who's the best,
and we're both about to ruin this.
Huh. It would appear that you and I
share some of the same
self-destructive genes.
Yeah. You got that and my legs,
neither of which look good on you.
I just don't want
to ruin things with Brie.
Break the cycle. Don't be like me.
I made some decisions that
really messed up my life.
I mean, not only did I leave Grandpa,
I left my whole family.
And I came very close
to bringing down an entire presidency.
Come on, Grandma.
You have a second chance with Grandpa.
- You don't want to ruin that.
- I don't.
- Do I?
- No.
Okay. Let's go and tell
Gina and Dan that it's...
time for them to go.
Well, I just hope that Dan
takes it better than Ronnie did.
I just killed!
Oh, that's a comedy term
that means a lot of people laughed.
Look at this.
I'm already having trouble
communicating with civilians.
Am I really that terrible?
I m... I drove you all the way out here.
I left my family to support you.
Trying to guilt me.
I love it!
I'm gonna write that down,
put it in my act.
"Left my family. Professor Wah-Wah."
So good.
Sorry for the short notice,
but I'm gonna have to quit
my job to pursue my dreams.
I'm really gonna miss you, Professor Otto.
Okay, well, this is your place.
It was good knowing you.
Change of plans.
Keep driving.
We're gonna put the past
behind us and never look back.
I'm not gonna do that.
Worth a shot!
What do you think you're doing?!
- Pull over!
- Heeeellll no!
Seriously, Mom, pull over!
Now get in the car.
Stop trying to control me!
I am not trying to control you...
I'm just trying to keep you safe.
You're not the boss of me!
You are getting in this car,
and you are going to bed!
I hate you!
Oliver, we could just pick up
where we left off.
I'm trying to break the cycle.
What cycle?
The grandma-grandson love cycle.
You can just tell me
you don't want to see me.
You don't have to make up
all this freaky stuff.
That actually felt pretty good.
You see?
Now, we have it in us
to be kind, loyal people.
Good news.
Mittens loves your powder room toilet.
Number one and number two.
Your turn.
Dan...
I'm... I'm sorry, but...
I can't get into
a relationship with you.
I'm seeing someone else.
Oh.
We understand.
Did I mention I have a lake house?
Goodbye, Dan.
Who needs money when I have...
uh, when I have...
- Grandpa.
- Grandpa.
I'm not mad at you.
"I'm not mad at you."
I'm just upset with
the choice that you made.
You could've gotten hurt.
Fine-ah.
Wait.
Is that what I'm like?
I didn't realize how much work it was
to take care of another human being.
And you take care of all of us.
I'm really sorry for being such a jerk.
Can you forgive me?
That cold medicine you gave me
finally wore off.
I don't remember anything.
How was the playdate?
Everyone had the most amazing time.
That is so great!
Thank you for following
all my instructions.
Oh, I chucked that binder immediately.
What?
They figured it out,
just like I told you they would.
By the way, what movie did you
watch with your friends?
"Sausage Party."
Isn't that R-rated?
Like, super hard R-rated?
It is. No one else's parents
would ever let them watch it
in a million years.
Mom!
What? It's a cartoon.
Uh-oh.
Maddy's mom wants to know
why in the world
we'd expose her daughter
to such "explicit trash."
And Samantha's mom says
Samantha won't stop talking
about how she figured out
where baby hot dogs come from.
What were you thinking?
What are you so mad about?
Those girls love Anna-Kat,
Taylor didn't go to Trip's game,
and Oliver got rid of Gina.
You should be thanking me.
Plus, I didn't cheat on your dad.
I deserve a medal.
Next time I'm sick and you're not home,
just leave the kids with the dog.
I'm still trying to flush that pill
that my mom gave me out of my system.
So, you really don't remember
riding Anna-Kat's bike?
Not even a blur.
- Anything else you might've done?
- No. Why?
Huh.
Huh.
Well, at least we won't
lose track of him
at the dog park anymore.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com