American Housewife (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 15 - Episode #3.15 - full transcript
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KATIE: The best part of being
a party planner
is taking stuff home...
leftovers, free flowers...
And when would we ever splurge
on a mini balloon archway?
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Hmm.
Look at this, Trip got my reviews
on "Little Shop of Horrors"
framed for me!
The school newspaper
says it was "a triumph"!
And the Westport Gazette says
it was "maybe worth seeing".
That's great!
We're so proud of you.
This just confirms exactly
what I've been thinking...
I'm not gonna go to college
so I can concentrate
on becoming a singer!
For the thousandth time,
you are going to college.
Or... hear me out...
I can take my college fund
and go to L.A. and become a singer!
If anybody's taking your college
fund and blowing it on a trip,
it's gonna be me.
I'm not stupid. I have a plan.
I'm gonna go on "American Idol",
sing my heart out,
leave with a golden ticket, boom!
Pop star.
Then I meet a charming man
on a flight from Paris.
Second boom... He's the King of Sweden.
I'm a Queen.
That's not how it works,
and you still have to go to college.
Well, Katy Perry didn't go to college.
In fact, she dropped out
of high school to pursue music.
You can have an amazing voice
and still never make it!
That's why it's important
for you to have an education
- to fall back on.
- You're my parents.
Aren't you supposed to tell me
that dreams are worth fighting for
and that I should believe in myself?
- Nah.
- Unh-unh.
Dreamcrushers!
[POP]
Sure, we're making our kid miserable,
but we're doing it together.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
- Hi, what's your name?
- Taylor Otto.
And where are you from?
I'm from Westport, Connecticut.
And how young are you?
- Um, I'm 17.
- 17?
- Ah, 17.
- TAYLOR: Yep.
What are you gonna sing for us?
"The Climb" by Miley Cyrus.
All right, go for it.
♪ I can almost see it ♪
♪ That dream I'm dreaming, but ♪
♪ There's a voice
inside my head say... ♪
Okay. Thank you. That's enough.
Mom?! Dad?! Where are the judges?!
We are the judges.
Let me just tell you something.
That, um...[SCOFFS]
I was not feeling that.
No, it made my ears... sad.
Yeah, you should just go to college.
Following your dreams is overrated.
- I agree with that 100%.
- Mm-hmm.
I wish Lionel, Katy, and Luke
were my parents!
Well, they're not.
[GASPS]
Dreamcrushers!
[GRUNTS]
♪
Hey, Kate-orade.
This is why people keep
reporting you to HR, Kevin.
Right. Right.
- Anyway...
- Mm-hmm.
...Whitney wants to see you.
She is in your office.
Ah, it's probably just another
Westport housewife
wanting to throw another party
with another fountain.
I want a pink chocolate fountain...
A what?
A Pouilly-Fuissé fountain.
What's that now?
A bone broth fountain.
Whaaat?
A La Mer face serum fountain.
Katie, maybe you could try some!
Hide those frown lines.
WHITNEY: Katie!
I'm on medical leave again...
You think the camera
can't see you there, Kevin?
Oh, hey, how's it going?
Did you get my Edible Arrangement?
- Shut up, Kevin.
- On it.
Katie, I need you to take over
an event for me.
It's the Westport
Businesswomen's Awards.
Oh! I'm so excited I get to do something
honoring my fellow working women.
You can count on me, Whitney!
- Great.
- [MONITOR BEEPING]
Now, if you'll excuse me,
they're injecting the anesthesia.
Are you calling me
from the operating table?
10, 9, 8... [SLURRING] 7...
And now Taylor thinks
that she can skip college
and become a pop star
and "follow her dreams".
This whole dream thing is BS.
I'm not raising wussies like
everyone else in this town.
Sure, I get them music lessons
but not so they can become musicians.
I do it so they learn discipline,
focus, and hard work.
My mom did the same for me,
and I turned out great.
- Uh...
- ANGELA: Okay, look.
If you try and shut Taylor down,
she might run off
and pursue her dream anyway.
My cousin wanted to be a dancer,
so she ran away from home,
and now she's a Rockette.
Well, that's a pretty big deal.
No. She's a Rock-ette.
That's what they call strippers
in Little Rock.
[GROANS]
So telling her "no"
might backfire on me?
It's not enough to injure a dream.
You have to kill it slowly
but completely.
Like my kids did with those hermit crabs
they smuggled in from Mexico.
How am I supposed to do that?
I'll just loan you Ms. Belt,
my kids' music teacher.
She sucks all the joy out of music.
She's a real throwback to the Golden Age
of truly abusive educators.
Oh.
You're not gonna believe this.
Abe Henderson died.
Who's Abe Henderson?
He was in charge
of keeping supply lines open
for our regiment.
He ordered our lunches.
The Historical Guild
is losing people left and right.
We need new, young members.
So, I had this brainstorm.
I made these scrolls,
and I'm gonna put them up
all over town...
Yeah, kids will totally go for that.
Scrolls are so in right now.
It's not so crazy
people would like scrolls.
It's the most fun kind of paper.
Dad, if you really want to get
through to young people,
you should make a video
and post it on social media.
Right. The key is to make
something that goes viral,
so it has to be memorable.
Flashy, but never desperate.
Funny without trying too hard.
Quirky, but not lame.
Got it.
Can we revisit the scrolls?
I made 50 of them.
Taylor, I have been thinking
about our conversation yesterday.
If you want to be a singer,
you gotta work at it,
so I got you a couple of music lessons
with the person who teaches Doris' kids.
That is so awesome. Thank you, Mom!
- What was that?
- Oh, I was writing a song
about what a terrible mom you are.
But now I'm gonna throw it out.
[CHUCKLES]
You might want to keep it.
It's just Monday.
♪
So this is the music space
I built for my kids.
Wow, Doris.
You are such a supportive mom.
- [LAUGHING] Yeah, sure! Whatever.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Hi.
- [DRAMATIC CHORD PLAYS]
You don't use your voice
unless you're singing.
[WHISPERING] Get out while you can.
I didn't even know
there was a Businesswomen's
Association in Westport!
I can't wait to meet them
and talk shop and...
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
[GASPS]
[GROANS]
[GASPS]
♪
I must be in the wrong place.
I'm looking for businesswomen.
We are the businesswomen.
ALL: Mm-hmm.
No, you're not.
Buying things from businesses
doesn't make you businesswomen.
If you recall, I made all that
peppermint bark last year.
And I got all caught up in that
Ponzi scheme, remember?
- Mm-hmm.
- And I just thought of the name
of the jewelry business
that I might start.
- "Glamville" by Nancy Granville.
- [ALL GASP]
- I know! It's so good.
- [APPLAUSE]
Katie, I'm just gonna do this.
This is still a party
celebrating working women,
so I was thinking we could do a seminar
with successful Mom-preneurs, and...
Oh, Katie, it's really not
that kind of a thing.
This is the kind of party
where we drink champagne
and honor each other for important
work we do in Westport.
Mm.
For example...
Last year, I received
a lifetime achievement award.
- For what?
- For all of my achievements.
Don't worry about us.
You just need to figure out a fountain
that has never been done before.
Sure. I will get right on that.
KATIE: I'm not sure what kind
of fountain I'm doing yet...
but there's definitely
going to be pee in it.
Today...
you will sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat".
You will start when I say "start".
- Good.
- [DRAMATIC CHORD PLAYS]
♪
Start... now.
- ♪ Row ♪
- Off pitch. Again.
- ♪ Row ♪
- No. Again.
♪ Row ♪
Until I hear perfect "rows,"
no boat for you.
Now, row! Again.
- ♪ Row ♪
- No! Again!
- ♪ Row ♪
- No!
[PLAYS PITCH PIPE]
♪ Row ♪
[CLATTERS]
♪
[QUITELY] I've been playing
the same note
for six months.
- [BELL RINGING]
- GREG: [AS PAUL REVERE] The Fun is coming,
The Fun is coming...
to the Westport Historical Guild.
So saddle up your steed
and take a ride through history.
What does membership entail?
Fear not, for I shall
explain it all to you,
in just 90 short minutes.
90 minutes?!
I know. Don't worry. It's only Part One.
[LAPTOP CREAKING]
We'll just do the video for you.
But I thought mine was good.
This lack of self-awareness
is part of the problem, Greg.
♪
They approved my idea
for a kombucha fountain.
I'm surprised you know what that is.
I didn't.
I Googled "What do idiots
love to drink?"
Kombucha was the first thing
that came up.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
How was the lesson?
The worst.
I'll never make it
as a professional singer.
I can't even sing
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat".
Guess I'll have to figure out
something else
to spend my college fund on.
College!
You're going to spend it on college!
[BALLOONS SQUEAKING]
[SQUEAKS]
Wow, that Ms. Belt really delivered.
Maybe I can send you to Ms. Belt
to break your love of whistling
while you trim your nose hairs.
- [WHISTLING]
- [RAZOR BUZZING]
It's not a chore if you're cheerful!
- [WHISTLES]
- [GROANS]
♪
[FRAME THUDS]
You're not gonna hang those up?
What's the point?
I really thought singing
was gonna be my career.
It's something I'm good at.
At least, I thought I was.
That teacher didn't believe in me.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You always say if you have your
dream job, then it's not work.
Dad has his dream job,
you have yours...
Yeah.
I thought I found mine.
Oh, honey...
there are plenty of things
that you are good at.
Like what?
Oh, honey...
♪
["THE CLIMB" PLAYS]
♪ I can almost see it ♪
♪ That dream I'm dreaming, but ♪
♪ There's a voice
inside my head saying ♪
♪ "You'll never reach it" ♪
♪ Every step I'm taking ♪
♪ Every move I make feels lost,
with no direction ♪
♪ My faith is shaken ♪
♪ But I ♪
♪ I gotta keep trying ♪
♪ Gotta keep my head held high ♪
♪ 'Cause there's always gonna be
another mountain ♪
♪ I'm always gonna wanna make it move ♪
♪ Always gonna be an uphill battle ♪
♪ But sometimes I'm gonna have to lose ♪
♪ Ain't about how fast I get there ♪
♪ Ain't about what's waiting
on the other siiide ♪
Wow.
♪ It's the climb ♪
- [CHUCKLES]
- KATY & LIONEL: Wow.
- Thanks!
- KATY: That note.
- That last note. Come on.
- Thank you.
- I appreciate it.
- Uh, Luke, what do you think?
We knew the big note was coming.
I didn't know... "Can she get there?"
- and you got there.
- [LAUGHS]
Thank you.
- Good job.
- I always like those surprises,
but you're a natural at this.
- You know that. Very good.
- Yeah.
Uh, Taylor, when I was 17,
I had the same type of dream.
I was gonna do it.
I was gonna go for it.
I needed someone to believe in me,
- and I really believe in you.
- Thank you.
- So should we give our vote?
- Let's do it.
- Okay. Go ahead.
- I'm ready.
I'm a yes.
- Yes?
- Yes.
I'm a yes.
And I'm ready. I'm a yes!
- You're going to Hollywood, Taylor!
- You're going to Hollywood! Come on!
- Thank you so much!
- Congratulations. All right.
That'll be something you can take
home to your mom and dad.
For sure. Will do.
- Yeah.
- Enjoy the ride.
- Have a great night. Yeah.
- Take care. Very good.
[SINGSONG VOICE] Oh, my gosh.
Hey! Congratulations!
Thank you so much! I can't believe it.
How does it feel to be holding
the golden ticket?
It feels like a dream.
Oh, no...
It was a dream, Luthor,
but I'm gonna get there for real.
Damn right you are!
Can you talk?!
[PANTING]
[SIGHS, CHUCKLES]
- [APPLAUSE]
- And the award for
"Best idea For A Business
If eBay Wasn't Already A Thing"
goes to... Nancy Granville!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- [GROANS]
Uch! Kombucha.
[GROANS]
- [LAPTOP KEY CLICKS]
- [BARKS]
- Wh-Where's the rest of it?
- That's it.
Well, how will people know
when the meetings are
or where to sign up for
the Westport Historical Guild?
- That was the whole point of this.
- They will look it up. Trust me.
Here's what people care about
on the Internet...
parkour fails
and dogs dressed as people.
Well, I really don't get it,
but if you guys believe in it,
I guess I trust you.
Millard Fillmore dressed up
his Beagle in a tuxedo,
so, you know,
there's historical precedent.
Dad, you are the Snapple cap of people.
♪
She's going to be here any minute.
- Stop smiling!
- I can't.
I had a dream last night that
I auditioned for "American Idol"
and Katy Perry said she believed in me!
I can do this!
I can feel her vibration.
She's coming! Ms. Belt is coming!
[DOOR OPENS]
You came back.
And you're smiling.
Well, we'll take care of that.
Begin with "Row".
- ♪ Row ♪
- No!
Again!
♪ Row, row ♪
How dare you do a second "row"?
♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪
♪ Gently down the stream ♪
- Stop that right now!
- ♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ♪
♪ Life is but a dream ♪
- ♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪
- What are you doing?
What are you three doing?
- ♪ Gently down the stream ♪
- Put them down. Put... those...
- ♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ♪
- ...instruments... down!
- ♪ Life is but a dream ♪
- [INSTRUMENTS ACCOMPANY]
- Excuse me!
- ♪ Ooh, ohh ♪
♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪
♪ Gently down the stream ♪
♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ♪
♪ Life is but a dream ♪
♪ Life is but a dream ♪
[MUSIC STOPS]
That was pretty good.
[SWITCH CLICKS]
[KNOCKS ON WINDOW]
You!
What the hell have you done?
You and your "joy"
have ruined everything!
Your father said I was crazy
when I wanted to build
this soundproof room
with a two-way mirror
to keep an eye on things. Well...
who's crazy now?!
Aah! Fired!
And the award for
"Best Acceptance Speech from Last Year"
goes to...
[GASPS] Oh, my gosh!
It's me! [LAUGHS]
[INDISTINCT MURMURING, APPLAUSE]
Oh, thank you.
- [CELLPHONE RINGING]
- [CHUCKLES]
Hopefully this is like that movie
where someone calls you,
and if you answer, you die.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS, RINGING STOPS]
Damn!
Hi, Doris.
Ms. Belt was supposed
to make singing so hard
it broke Taylor, but instead,
Taylor broke Ms. Belt
with her passion and her dreams!
Well, it's not a chore
if you're cheerful.
Am I quoting Greg's
nose-hair trimming mantra?
Well, I won't have it in my house.
Man, I think I played this wrong.
Gotta go, Doris.
You owe me three demoralized children!
TARA: And I know somewhere inside me
is that little girl from Tennessee,
who never could've seen
herself standing here...
- Enough of that.
- I'm not done.
This was supposed to be an event
about women supporting women,
and I haven't been the most
supportive woman myself.
My daughter told me her dream,
and I tried to crush it.
Instead of crushing her dreams,
I should follow her lead
and find one of my own.
We all should.
You're intelligent women.
Should you really be giving
yourselves awards
for doing nothing?
Come on!
Sage, you sound stupid,
but there's gotta be
some brains in your head.
Thank you! [CHUCKLES]
And, Nancy, take "Glamville"
and actually do something with it!
You're right.
I have a real responsibility.
I think the world needs
"Glamville" now more than ever.
Suzanne, you are so much better
than repackaging store-bought
peppermint bark as your own.
You know?
Oh, everybody knows.
And, Tara...
I think you'd be amazing
at jumping off a bridge
and hitting as many things
as possible on the way down.
Ladies, you've gotta find your dreams,
and I do, too.
Because it is not... this.
[APPLAUSE]
Come on, Kevin.
I don't know if you're going
for a "Jerry Maguire" thing,
but... you complete me, Kate-orade!
I'll report myself to HR.
I can't tell. How's the video doing?
Well, it's actually gotten
a lot of views.
The unofficial fan site for
the GEICO Lizard retweeted it.
But no one's signed up yet.
In school, we're forced
to learn history...
no one wants to do it for fun.
I guess the Guild will go the
way many of its members did...
neglected by their caretakers.
[CELLPHONE CLICKING]
[LAPTOP CHIMES]
- Hey! Two people just signed up!
- [MOUSE CLICKS]
Oliver Otto and Anna-Kat Otto.
We saw how much it meant to you,
so we thought we'd give it a shot.
Thanks. I don't know what to say.
Come here.
- Ahh.
- [CHUCKLES]
You guys are not gonna regret this.
We're having a mutton truck on Thursday.
It's just fried chicken,
but we're pretending!
Hey. How was the event?
I might've quit. I'm not sure.
- Okay.
- [PURSE THUDS]
- [SIGHS]
- Well,
let me know so I can
change the family back
to generic phone charger cables.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
You guys will not believe
what happened today...
First, I want to apologize
for not supporting your dreams.
If you don't want to go to college
and instead pursue singing,
that is fine with your father and me.
- It is?!
- Mm-hmm.
Why do I always feel like
I've missed a meeting?
No, I will go to college. But for music.
Ms. Belt was telling me about
all these great music programs.
Oh, and there's this one at this school
that's named after a honeydew.
- Carnegie Mellon?
- Yes, that's it!
[CHUCKLES]
[BALLOONS SQUEAKING]
She's gonna do great in college.
[NOTE PLAYS]
[VOCALIZING SCALES]
[NOTE PLAYS]
It's nice to see Taylor
pursuing her passion
and Greg sharing his passion
with the kids.
I'm passionate about two things...
my family and hating these
busybody Westport idiots.
But there's gotta be room
for something else.
- And...
- Mom.
Why are you always nodding your head,
smiling, and staring at us?
- Yeah.
- It creeps us out.
Oh, my.
Why do you have that look on your face?
You know what? I don't care.
When you're done,
- just clear the browser history.
- What? No.
I was looking at the honeydew
school that Taylor wants to go to.
It's a lot more expensive
than community college.
Oh... my.
- Right?!
- [INHALES SHARPLY]
We played this wrong.
Should've just let her run off to L.A.
In light of this,
when you say you might have
quit your job,
can you clarify that?
I didn't quit quit.
I quit in my mind.
Okay. What exactly does that mean?
Like most working Americans,
my spirit has quit
but my body is forced to attend.
No one wants you to follow
your passion more than me,
and I'm just floating this out there...
how about your find a profession
that you're passionate about,
- then quit your job.
- Or...
hear me out...
I quit my job, hang out
in Stewart and Kingston's,
somebody comes in, likes
my no-nonsense attitude,
gives me my own talk show.
Boom! I'm the Queen of Day Time!
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Where are you guys off to?
Our first Historical Guild meeting.
- Mm.
- I'm very enthusiastic.
Oliver is less so.
It's Mutton Madness!
Are you sure you don't want to go?
No, I've got a lot of work to do.
But I thought you were quitting...
No, you're right.
I'm gonna keep this job
until I figure out
what I really want to do.
But I know what I really
don't want to do...
go to your thing.
Bring me back some fried chicken.
We're not supposed to call it that!
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
---
KATIE: The best part of being
a party planner
is taking stuff home...
leftovers, free flowers...
And when would we ever splurge
on a mini balloon archway?
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Hmm.
Look at this, Trip got my reviews
on "Little Shop of Horrors"
framed for me!
The school newspaper
says it was "a triumph"!
And the Westport Gazette says
it was "maybe worth seeing".
That's great!
We're so proud of you.
This just confirms exactly
what I've been thinking...
I'm not gonna go to college
so I can concentrate
on becoming a singer!
For the thousandth time,
you are going to college.
Or... hear me out...
I can take my college fund
and go to L.A. and become a singer!
If anybody's taking your college
fund and blowing it on a trip,
it's gonna be me.
I'm not stupid. I have a plan.
I'm gonna go on "American Idol",
sing my heart out,
leave with a golden ticket, boom!
Pop star.
Then I meet a charming man
on a flight from Paris.
Second boom... He's the King of Sweden.
I'm a Queen.
That's not how it works,
and you still have to go to college.
Well, Katy Perry didn't go to college.
In fact, she dropped out
of high school to pursue music.
You can have an amazing voice
and still never make it!
That's why it's important
for you to have an education
- to fall back on.
- You're my parents.
Aren't you supposed to tell me
that dreams are worth fighting for
and that I should believe in myself?
- Nah.
- Unh-unh.
Dreamcrushers!
[POP]
Sure, we're making our kid miserable,
but we're doing it together.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
- Hi, what's your name?
- Taylor Otto.
And where are you from?
I'm from Westport, Connecticut.
And how young are you?
- Um, I'm 17.
- 17?
- Ah, 17.
- TAYLOR: Yep.
What are you gonna sing for us?
"The Climb" by Miley Cyrus.
All right, go for it.
♪ I can almost see it ♪
♪ That dream I'm dreaming, but ♪
♪ There's a voice
inside my head say... ♪
Okay. Thank you. That's enough.
Mom?! Dad?! Where are the judges?!
We are the judges.
Let me just tell you something.
That, um...[SCOFFS]
I was not feeling that.
No, it made my ears... sad.
Yeah, you should just go to college.
Following your dreams is overrated.
- I agree with that 100%.
- Mm-hmm.
I wish Lionel, Katy, and Luke
were my parents!
Well, they're not.
[GASPS]
Dreamcrushers!
[GRUNTS]
♪
Hey, Kate-orade.
This is why people keep
reporting you to HR, Kevin.
Right. Right.
- Anyway...
- Mm-hmm.
...Whitney wants to see you.
She is in your office.
Ah, it's probably just another
Westport housewife
wanting to throw another party
with another fountain.
I want a pink chocolate fountain...
A what?
A Pouilly-Fuissé fountain.
What's that now?
A bone broth fountain.
Whaaat?
A La Mer face serum fountain.
Katie, maybe you could try some!
Hide those frown lines.
WHITNEY: Katie!
I'm on medical leave again...
You think the camera
can't see you there, Kevin?
Oh, hey, how's it going?
Did you get my Edible Arrangement?
- Shut up, Kevin.
- On it.
Katie, I need you to take over
an event for me.
It's the Westport
Businesswomen's Awards.
Oh! I'm so excited I get to do something
honoring my fellow working women.
You can count on me, Whitney!
- Great.
- [MONITOR BEEPING]
Now, if you'll excuse me,
they're injecting the anesthesia.
Are you calling me
from the operating table?
10, 9, 8... [SLURRING] 7...
And now Taylor thinks
that she can skip college
and become a pop star
and "follow her dreams".
This whole dream thing is BS.
I'm not raising wussies like
everyone else in this town.
Sure, I get them music lessons
but not so they can become musicians.
I do it so they learn discipline,
focus, and hard work.
My mom did the same for me,
and I turned out great.
- Uh...
- ANGELA: Okay, look.
If you try and shut Taylor down,
she might run off
and pursue her dream anyway.
My cousin wanted to be a dancer,
so she ran away from home,
and now she's a Rockette.
Well, that's a pretty big deal.
No. She's a Rock-ette.
That's what they call strippers
in Little Rock.
[GROANS]
So telling her "no"
might backfire on me?
It's not enough to injure a dream.
You have to kill it slowly
but completely.
Like my kids did with those hermit crabs
they smuggled in from Mexico.
How am I supposed to do that?
I'll just loan you Ms. Belt,
my kids' music teacher.
She sucks all the joy out of music.
She's a real throwback to the Golden Age
of truly abusive educators.
Oh.
You're not gonna believe this.
Abe Henderson died.
Who's Abe Henderson?
He was in charge
of keeping supply lines open
for our regiment.
He ordered our lunches.
The Historical Guild
is losing people left and right.
We need new, young members.
So, I had this brainstorm.
I made these scrolls,
and I'm gonna put them up
all over town...
Yeah, kids will totally go for that.
Scrolls are so in right now.
It's not so crazy
people would like scrolls.
It's the most fun kind of paper.
Dad, if you really want to get
through to young people,
you should make a video
and post it on social media.
Right. The key is to make
something that goes viral,
so it has to be memorable.
Flashy, but never desperate.
Funny without trying too hard.
Quirky, but not lame.
Got it.
Can we revisit the scrolls?
I made 50 of them.
Taylor, I have been thinking
about our conversation yesterday.
If you want to be a singer,
you gotta work at it,
so I got you a couple of music lessons
with the person who teaches Doris' kids.
That is so awesome. Thank you, Mom!
- What was that?
- Oh, I was writing a song
about what a terrible mom you are.
But now I'm gonna throw it out.
[CHUCKLES]
You might want to keep it.
It's just Monday.
♪
So this is the music space
I built for my kids.
Wow, Doris.
You are such a supportive mom.
- [LAUGHING] Yeah, sure! Whatever.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Hi.
- [DRAMATIC CHORD PLAYS]
You don't use your voice
unless you're singing.
[WHISPERING] Get out while you can.
I didn't even know
there was a Businesswomen's
Association in Westport!
I can't wait to meet them
and talk shop and...
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
[GASPS]
[GROANS]
[GASPS]
♪
I must be in the wrong place.
I'm looking for businesswomen.
We are the businesswomen.
ALL: Mm-hmm.
No, you're not.
Buying things from businesses
doesn't make you businesswomen.
If you recall, I made all that
peppermint bark last year.
And I got all caught up in that
Ponzi scheme, remember?
- Mm-hmm.
- And I just thought of the name
of the jewelry business
that I might start.
- "Glamville" by Nancy Granville.
- [ALL GASP]
- I know! It's so good.
- [APPLAUSE]
Katie, I'm just gonna do this.
This is still a party
celebrating working women,
so I was thinking we could do a seminar
with successful Mom-preneurs, and...
Oh, Katie, it's really not
that kind of a thing.
This is the kind of party
where we drink champagne
and honor each other for important
work we do in Westport.
Mm.
For example...
Last year, I received
a lifetime achievement award.
- For what?
- For all of my achievements.
Don't worry about us.
You just need to figure out a fountain
that has never been done before.
Sure. I will get right on that.
KATIE: I'm not sure what kind
of fountain I'm doing yet...
but there's definitely
going to be pee in it.
Today...
you will sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat".
You will start when I say "start".
- Good.
- [DRAMATIC CHORD PLAYS]
♪
Start... now.
- ♪ Row ♪
- Off pitch. Again.
- ♪ Row ♪
- No. Again.
♪ Row ♪
Until I hear perfect "rows,"
no boat for you.
Now, row! Again.
- ♪ Row ♪
- No! Again!
- ♪ Row ♪
- No!
[PLAYS PITCH PIPE]
♪ Row ♪
[CLATTERS]
♪
[QUITELY] I've been playing
the same note
for six months.
- [BELL RINGING]
- GREG: [AS PAUL REVERE] The Fun is coming,
The Fun is coming...
to the Westport Historical Guild.
So saddle up your steed
and take a ride through history.
What does membership entail?
Fear not, for I shall
explain it all to you,
in just 90 short minutes.
90 minutes?!
I know. Don't worry. It's only Part One.
[LAPTOP CREAKING]
We'll just do the video for you.
But I thought mine was good.
This lack of self-awareness
is part of the problem, Greg.
♪
They approved my idea
for a kombucha fountain.
I'm surprised you know what that is.
I didn't.
I Googled "What do idiots
love to drink?"
Kombucha was the first thing
that came up.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
How was the lesson?
The worst.
I'll never make it
as a professional singer.
I can't even sing
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat".
Guess I'll have to figure out
something else
to spend my college fund on.
College!
You're going to spend it on college!
[BALLOONS SQUEAKING]
[SQUEAKS]
Wow, that Ms. Belt really delivered.
Maybe I can send you to Ms. Belt
to break your love of whistling
while you trim your nose hairs.
- [WHISTLING]
- [RAZOR BUZZING]
It's not a chore if you're cheerful!
- [WHISTLES]
- [GROANS]
♪
[FRAME THUDS]
You're not gonna hang those up?
What's the point?
I really thought singing
was gonna be my career.
It's something I'm good at.
At least, I thought I was.
That teacher didn't believe in me.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You always say if you have your
dream job, then it's not work.
Dad has his dream job,
you have yours...
Yeah.
I thought I found mine.
Oh, honey...
there are plenty of things
that you are good at.
Like what?
Oh, honey...
♪
["THE CLIMB" PLAYS]
♪ I can almost see it ♪
♪ That dream I'm dreaming, but ♪
♪ There's a voice
inside my head saying ♪
♪ "You'll never reach it" ♪
♪ Every step I'm taking ♪
♪ Every move I make feels lost,
with no direction ♪
♪ My faith is shaken ♪
♪ But I ♪
♪ I gotta keep trying ♪
♪ Gotta keep my head held high ♪
♪ 'Cause there's always gonna be
another mountain ♪
♪ I'm always gonna wanna make it move ♪
♪ Always gonna be an uphill battle ♪
♪ But sometimes I'm gonna have to lose ♪
♪ Ain't about how fast I get there ♪
♪ Ain't about what's waiting
on the other siiide ♪
Wow.
♪ It's the climb ♪
- [CHUCKLES]
- KATY & LIONEL: Wow.
- Thanks!
- KATY: That note.
- That last note. Come on.
- Thank you.
- I appreciate it.
- Uh, Luke, what do you think?
We knew the big note was coming.
I didn't know... "Can she get there?"
- and you got there.
- [LAUGHS]
Thank you.
- Good job.
- I always like those surprises,
but you're a natural at this.
- You know that. Very good.
- Yeah.
Uh, Taylor, when I was 17,
I had the same type of dream.
I was gonna do it.
I was gonna go for it.
I needed someone to believe in me,
- and I really believe in you.
- Thank you.
- So should we give our vote?
- Let's do it.
- Okay. Go ahead.
- I'm ready.
I'm a yes.
- Yes?
- Yes.
I'm a yes.
And I'm ready. I'm a yes!
- You're going to Hollywood, Taylor!
- You're going to Hollywood! Come on!
- Thank you so much!
- Congratulations. All right.
That'll be something you can take
home to your mom and dad.
For sure. Will do.
- Yeah.
- Enjoy the ride.
- Have a great night. Yeah.
- Take care. Very good.
[SINGSONG VOICE] Oh, my gosh.
Hey! Congratulations!
Thank you so much! I can't believe it.
How does it feel to be holding
the golden ticket?
It feels like a dream.
Oh, no...
It was a dream, Luthor,
but I'm gonna get there for real.
Damn right you are!
Can you talk?!
[PANTING]
[SIGHS, CHUCKLES]
- [APPLAUSE]
- And the award for
"Best idea For A Business
If eBay Wasn't Already A Thing"
goes to... Nancy Granville!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- [GROANS]
Uch! Kombucha.
[GROANS]
- [LAPTOP KEY CLICKS]
- [BARKS]
- Wh-Where's the rest of it?
- That's it.
Well, how will people know
when the meetings are
or where to sign up for
the Westport Historical Guild?
- That was the whole point of this.
- They will look it up. Trust me.
Here's what people care about
on the Internet...
parkour fails
and dogs dressed as people.
Well, I really don't get it,
but if you guys believe in it,
I guess I trust you.
Millard Fillmore dressed up
his Beagle in a tuxedo,
so, you know,
there's historical precedent.
Dad, you are the Snapple cap of people.
♪
She's going to be here any minute.
- Stop smiling!
- I can't.
I had a dream last night that
I auditioned for "American Idol"
and Katy Perry said she believed in me!
I can do this!
I can feel her vibration.
She's coming! Ms. Belt is coming!
[DOOR OPENS]
You came back.
And you're smiling.
Well, we'll take care of that.
Begin with "Row".
- ♪ Row ♪
- No!
Again!
♪ Row, row ♪
How dare you do a second "row"?
♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪
♪ Gently down the stream ♪
- Stop that right now!
- ♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ♪
♪ Life is but a dream ♪
- ♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪
- What are you doing?
What are you three doing?
- ♪ Gently down the stream ♪
- Put them down. Put... those...
- ♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ♪
- ...instruments... down!
- ♪ Life is but a dream ♪
- [INSTRUMENTS ACCOMPANY]
- Excuse me!
- ♪ Ooh, ohh ♪
♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪
♪ Gently down the stream ♪
♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily ♪
♪ Life is but a dream ♪
♪ Life is but a dream ♪
[MUSIC STOPS]
That was pretty good.
[SWITCH CLICKS]
[KNOCKS ON WINDOW]
You!
What the hell have you done?
You and your "joy"
have ruined everything!
Your father said I was crazy
when I wanted to build
this soundproof room
with a two-way mirror
to keep an eye on things. Well...
who's crazy now?!
Aah! Fired!
And the award for
"Best Acceptance Speech from Last Year"
goes to...
[GASPS] Oh, my gosh!
It's me! [LAUGHS]
[INDISTINCT MURMURING, APPLAUSE]
Oh, thank you.
- [CELLPHONE RINGING]
- [CHUCKLES]
Hopefully this is like that movie
where someone calls you,
and if you answer, you die.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS, RINGING STOPS]
Damn!
Hi, Doris.
Ms. Belt was supposed
to make singing so hard
it broke Taylor, but instead,
Taylor broke Ms. Belt
with her passion and her dreams!
Well, it's not a chore
if you're cheerful.
Am I quoting Greg's
nose-hair trimming mantra?
Well, I won't have it in my house.
Man, I think I played this wrong.
Gotta go, Doris.
You owe me three demoralized children!
TARA: And I know somewhere inside me
is that little girl from Tennessee,
who never could've seen
herself standing here...
- Enough of that.
- I'm not done.
This was supposed to be an event
about women supporting women,
and I haven't been the most
supportive woman myself.
My daughter told me her dream,
and I tried to crush it.
Instead of crushing her dreams,
I should follow her lead
and find one of my own.
We all should.
You're intelligent women.
Should you really be giving
yourselves awards
for doing nothing?
Come on!
Sage, you sound stupid,
but there's gotta be
some brains in your head.
Thank you! [CHUCKLES]
And, Nancy, take "Glamville"
and actually do something with it!
You're right.
I have a real responsibility.
I think the world needs
"Glamville" now more than ever.
Suzanne, you are so much better
than repackaging store-bought
peppermint bark as your own.
You know?
Oh, everybody knows.
And, Tara...
I think you'd be amazing
at jumping off a bridge
and hitting as many things
as possible on the way down.
Ladies, you've gotta find your dreams,
and I do, too.
Because it is not... this.
[APPLAUSE]
Come on, Kevin.
I don't know if you're going
for a "Jerry Maguire" thing,
but... you complete me, Kate-orade!
I'll report myself to HR.
I can't tell. How's the video doing?
Well, it's actually gotten
a lot of views.
The unofficial fan site for
the GEICO Lizard retweeted it.
But no one's signed up yet.
In school, we're forced
to learn history...
no one wants to do it for fun.
I guess the Guild will go the
way many of its members did...
neglected by their caretakers.
[CELLPHONE CLICKING]
[LAPTOP CHIMES]
- Hey! Two people just signed up!
- [MOUSE CLICKS]
Oliver Otto and Anna-Kat Otto.
We saw how much it meant to you,
so we thought we'd give it a shot.
Thanks. I don't know what to say.
Come here.
- Ahh.
- [CHUCKLES]
You guys are not gonna regret this.
We're having a mutton truck on Thursday.
It's just fried chicken,
but we're pretending!
Hey. How was the event?
I might've quit. I'm not sure.
- Okay.
- [PURSE THUDS]
- [SIGHS]
- Well,
let me know so I can
change the family back
to generic phone charger cables.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
You guys will not believe
what happened today...
First, I want to apologize
for not supporting your dreams.
If you don't want to go to college
and instead pursue singing,
that is fine with your father and me.
- It is?!
- Mm-hmm.
Why do I always feel like
I've missed a meeting?
No, I will go to college. But for music.
Ms. Belt was telling me about
all these great music programs.
Oh, and there's this one at this school
that's named after a honeydew.
- Carnegie Mellon?
- Yes, that's it!
[CHUCKLES]
[BALLOONS SQUEAKING]
She's gonna do great in college.
[NOTE PLAYS]
[VOCALIZING SCALES]
[NOTE PLAYS]
It's nice to see Taylor
pursuing her passion
and Greg sharing his passion
with the kids.
I'm passionate about two things...
my family and hating these
busybody Westport idiots.
But there's gotta be room
for something else.
- And...
- Mom.
Why are you always nodding your head,
smiling, and staring at us?
- Yeah.
- It creeps us out.
Oh, my.
Why do you have that look on your face?
You know what? I don't care.
When you're done,
- just clear the browser history.
- What? No.
I was looking at the honeydew
school that Taylor wants to go to.
It's a lot more expensive
than community college.
Oh... my.
- Right?!
- [INHALES SHARPLY]
We played this wrong.
Should've just let her run off to L.A.
In light of this,
when you say you might have
quit your job,
can you clarify that?
I didn't quit quit.
I quit in my mind.
Okay. What exactly does that mean?
Like most working Americans,
my spirit has quit
but my body is forced to attend.
No one wants you to follow
your passion more than me,
and I'm just floating this out there...
how about your find a profession
that you're passionate about,
- then quit your job.
- Or...
hear me out...
I quit my job, hang out
in Stewart and Kingston's,
somebody comes in, likes
my no-nonsense attitude,
gives me my own talk show.
Boom! I'm the Queen of Day Time!
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Where are you guys off to?
Our first Historical Guild meeting.
- Mm.
- I'm very enthusiastic.
Oliver is less so.
It's Mutton Madness!
Are you sure you don't want to go?
No, I've got a lot of work to do.
But I thought you were quitting...
No, you're right.
I'm gonna keep this job
until I figure out
what I really want to do.
But I know what I really
don't want to do...
go to your thing.
Bring me back some fried chicken.
We're not supposed to call it that!
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com