American Housewife (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 14 - Episode #3.14 - full transcript
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Here you go.
Your favorite PJs are ready
- for your first sleepover!
- What?
I told you I never want
to go on a sleepover.
Which is why I'm telling you
at the last second!
I didn't want to hear you
complain all week.
What if they make me
sleep next to an outlet
and I roll over and my pinky
goes in and I get electrocuted?
Then you're crying, "Why?
Why did I make my baby go?"
You are going.
You are too old to keep
dodging sleepovers.
"She was so little!"
- Still reading exams?
- Yep,
I have to get through these
50 essays this weekend.
It's exciting to see how
students do under pressure.
Some struggle, but others soar!
That's probably because
you're such a great teacher,
mentor and father.
Whatever it is, I agree with Mom.
Please, Daddy!
Mama wants me to go to a sleepover!
Anna-Kat, that's not true.
I am forcing you to go to a sleepover.
You know Oliver only
cares about himself,
so if you alienate me,
all you'll be left with is
Taylor to take care of you.
Not smart, Mama.
Hi!
Ugh, trade.
Ah, ooh.
Hey, Violet.
Oh.
What happened to your hair?
I can't afford to be blonde anymore.
Pretty soon I'll be buying
second-hand clothes
from garage sales like... this.
- Ugh.
- I'll have you know
I won this at Dave & Buster's.
700 tickets.
You know, I love Violet so much,
but being a mom is so hard.
Why didn't anyone warn me?
You can hear me screaming
at my kids from your house
ten times a day.
Isn't that warning enough?
Can I help you find something?
You know it's just me over there
in that giant house all by myself.
I can't afford a nanny,
Pilates is too expensive
so now I'm breastfeeding to lose weight.
I ballooned up to a size four.
Katie, your screaming pillow.
Excuse me.
See, you have Greg to help you
with everything, especially the kids.
Who's got the sweetest nosey
on your face-face?
- You do!
- And on the plus side,
his baby talk doubles as birth control.
Viv, I know you're a little broke,
but you can't steal groceries
from my house.
Hilarious, I love it!
I don't know, Katie.
I just... feel like I can't do
this alone anymore.
Do you guys think that you could
watch Violet for me tonight?
We'd love to!
Why are we watching the baby tonight?
I am headed to Mario's
down by the train station
where all the divorced investment
bankers go after work.
I think I can snag one
if I get there before all
the tramps take the good seats.
- What are the good seats?
- Ooh.
The barstools at the end.
That way I can do this...
...without hitting anybody.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
Are those my earrings?
These are so nice!
- Can I borrow them?
- No.
I wore them to a business dinner
but saved the receipt.
- I'm returning them.
- No wonder I like them more
than the rest of your trash...
Treasures!
Off now.
They're expensive
and if I don't return them by tomorrow
then I will be stuck with a store credit
that expires the day before I find it
in a drawer with the extension cords.
Ugh, news again.
That's it. I'm deleting this app.
No.
No no no no no no!
Bad dog! Luthor, sit!
Now Luthor, reverse swallow.
Reverse swallow!
Okay, practice run.
When the mom says to go to sleep,
you take your sleeping bag
and put it next to the bathroom
just in case you want
to wash your hands a few times.
Yeah, Mama, if you
want me to get covered
in sewer water when a pipe bursts.
- That is not gonna...
- Mama, I dunno.
This is all happening so fast, Mama.
You don't have to keep saying "Mama."
I know who you're talking to.
If you have any problems, call us.
No matter how late.
Even if you just want to talk.
A word, Greg?
As the years go on, coming into
this room alone with you
has become more scary than sexy.
Why are you coddling her?
She needs a push right now, not a hug.
She's nervous. She's our baby...
She is turning 10!
And this is our opportunity
to help her grow up a little.
I need this.
I am getting "Mama" 'd
to death in there.
What's your hurry to make her grow up?
- She's our last one.
- Exactly.
We're on the verge of
getting our lives back.
Not if we take action.
Let's have another baby.
Can you get my screaming pillow?
I'm sad our kids are getting big.
I miss reading them books,
they reach for your hand,
I miss the way they mispronounce words.
Taylor still does it, but it's not cute.
- It's more worrisome.
- Mm-hmm.
Playing with Viv's baby today
made me want to start all over again.
Well then I wish you and your
second wife the very best.
I can't go to the sleepover, Mama.
I think I'm getting my period.
- No, you're not.
- I'm telling you.
I can feel my uterine wall loosening.
Stop Googling stuff
and go pack your bag!
Can I ask you a favor?
- I need...
- Not my problem.
This is serious.
Then it's seriously not my problem.
That's good stuff.
I turned around and Luthor ate
Mom's expensive earrings.
You're in so much trouble.
I read online it can take a dog a month
to pass something like this.
But I need them by tomorrow.
- What do I do?
- Oh, I know.
Leave me out of it.
I am on fire.
You're always calling me the dumb one.
So I'm dumb. Help me!
All right, all right, I'll help you.
Don't forget to wear gloves.
Three for three!
Viv, did you steal my car keys
so I'd come over?
No.
Yes.
But, hey,
would you just stay
and talk to me for, like,
ten minutes about anything adult?
Look, just pick a topic.
Is this my magazine?
Did you take this from my bathroom?
I left my phone in the bedroom
and had to read the shampoo
bottle like an animal!
- Hi, Viv.
- Alan?!
How the hell did you get in here?
I opened the door
with the light of my soul.
And my key... I still have
my key, and it works.
This isn't your home anymore, Alan.
You and Viv are divorced.
She kicked you out a year ago.
I know, and I deserved that.
And in that time,
I've been in an ashram in India.
I've been meditating.
I've been finding myself,
reading other people's auras.
Yours, by the way, is very cloudy.
That's not good.
You might want to have that looked at.
What do you want, Alan?
Listen, Viv, I wasn't
the greatest husband.
But I want us to have a fresh start.
And I realize you are
the most important thing,
and if you take me back this time,
I will give you everything
you deserve...
champagne, travel...
I will teach you to levitate.
Did you see that? It's very subtle.
I really would like to believe
that you've changed.
Let me show you that I've changed.
If you take me back, I'll make
sure your energy is pure
and your sandals are Prada.
Nice try, Alan, but Viv
doesn't need you anymore.
She is a strong, independent woman...
- Um, actually...
- No, Viv.
- Um, actually, again.
- Viv!
- Katie.
- You do not need a man
to make you happy.
Viv, it's just us this time...
you and me.
A-All my children are in prep school,
so there'll be no kids
to come between us.
Whose baby is that?
Katie's!
Congratulations, Katie.
"Namaste."
That's a really neat phrase I learned.
It means "amazeballs."
Everything's gonna be just
like it was only better.
- Oh.
- I'm getting so healthy right now,
- I'm practically peeing essential oils.
- Oh.
- And you will, too.
- I can't wait.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go fill our toilet
with eucalyptus and ylang-ylang.
Mmm.
My baby?
I don't know.
It was all I could think of.
She's your baby, Viv!
Of course she is! I'm just...
Giving up your baby for a shot
with your terrible ex-husband?
No, not giving her up,
just buying time to see if Alan
and I can work it out.
He's going to have to know about her.
She is not a banjo
you can store in my basement.
Did I used to own a banjo?
No, it could be anything.
It's a figure of speech!
- Well I don't understand it.
- Viv!
Katie, please,
just watch Violet for the night.
Then Alan and I will be back together,
and I promise I will come clean.
By then he'll be so in love with me
he'll have to be in love with her.
- This is a bad idea.
- Please?
Being a single mom is so hard.
And I want my blond hair back.
Brunettes lead sad, miserable lives.
You of all people should
understand that.
Hey. Why'd you want my old...
Oh, hell no!
You had another one?!
Do they just drop
out of you without warning?
It is Viv's baby.
I did not have time to
grab a stroller from her.
Why would you want to babysit Viv's baby?
Alan is back
so I'm stuck taking care
of little Viv here
until she can get up the guts
to tell Alan she had a baby.
Since when do you do such
nice things for people?
I don't know.
I'm losing what makes me special.
The worst part is having this
little angel at our house
is making Greg baby crazy.
And I do not want another baby.
Sometimes the best cure
for wanting a baby
is spending time with a baby.
Yeah, it's true.
Make Greg watch the baby all night.
- See how he likes it then.
- Mm-hmm.
I always say, if you want to
talk someone out of marriage,
just hang out with my ex-wife.
What does that have to do with the baby?
I don't know,
I just feel like we don't
talk about me enough.
Ready for your sleepover?
It was nice knowing you, boy.
You with your shorter life span,
and here I am going first.
You will be home tomorrow morning.
Get in the car.
Here you go, Professor.
Katie, I'm working.
Not anymore.
Oh, is having a baby
sometimes inconvenient?
Good thing she's not a toddler,
because toddlers do stuff like this.
You know how you said the dog
eating Mom's earrings
wasn't your problem?
Yeah, that was great.
And remember those gold cufflinks
that you got from Spencer?
You mean the ones that he stole
off Malcolm Forbes' corpse
at his funeral?
Right, those.
Well, now we have the same problem
because Luthor ate them.
How'd Luthor get them?!
Well, they somehow fell into a treat.
That I fed him. And then I laughed.
Now grab some gloves and join the party.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I am back from dropping Anna-Kat off.
Where is Violet?
She's napping in my office
like an angel.
- Is she?
- Yeah.
Hmm.
Why are you putting
loose change in the blender?
You need to sharpen the blades
every six months.
You are not staying on top of it.
I don't think tha...
You'll wake the baby!
Oh, is she sleeping?!
I forgot she was even here!
We were just talking about her!
Why isn't she crying?
She's so calm.
I forgot how good babies can be.
Oh.
Such a good baby!
Let's see how good
you are when I do this.
I better clean this pacifier.
Newborns are the best.
You've made a powerful enemy, baby.
Anna-Kat, are you okay?
You were so right.
- The sleepover is fun.
- See?
But we're having
a stuffed animal tea party
and I didn't bring one.
I'm going to be stuck using
an oven mitt like an idiot.
Okay, calm down. I'll be right there.
Bring my stuffed turtle.
The one with the friendly eyes.
Not the one who looks like
he has a terrible secret.
How am I supposed to figure that out?
You'll know.
What do you know, turtle?
Mama!
- Here's your turtle.
- Forget the turtle.
Let's get out of here.
Wait, what about the tea party?
There was never any tea party.
Let me get my things,
and I'll explain in the car.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're not getting your things.
Good thinking. Leave 'em here.
- Collateral damage.
- No.
Just because something is hard
does not mean you run away from it.
This is an opportunity
for you to make friends
with some nice girls.
I am not taking you home.
Kids, it's time to
decorate your own cupcake!
I'm in hell.
Viv?
What are you doing here?
Other than breastfeeding and
making Greg uncomfortable.
I couldn't figure out
a way of getting past her
without looking.
Before I go out with Alan for the night,
I had to feed my sweet,
beautiful Violet.
This is always the best part of my day.
Mm.
I remember when I had
best parts of my day.
All right, Viv.
The car's out...
Why are you breastfeeding Katie's baby?
- Uh...
- When you left Viv,
she became so poor that... I had
to hire her... as my wet nurse.
That's... right.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Um, Katie is just one of
my many clients that I wet for.
I-I'm not an idiot, okay?
Okay, Alan...
...Violet's my baby.
Since we've been divorced,
you had a baby?
Alan, what you have to understand...
[Bleep] I looked.
And the father was a pig whisperer,
he caught me at a very vulnerable time.
But then he left town and
I never heard from him again.
Well, the "old me" would've
dumped you immediately.
But Swami Gary's taught me
to think before I act.
He calls it "thacting."
What other vocab did
Swami Gary teach you?
Douching, by chance?
As in, the act of being a douche?
Here's my offer... we're gonna
Westport the whole situation.
We're gonna hire
an entire staff of nannies.
They're gonna care for her.
They're gonna feed her.
They're gonna take her
to tennis lessons, okay?
When she's old enough,
we're gonna get her into
a Swiss boarding school.
And then you and I
will live our lives...
our big, awesome, amazing lives,
and you are gonna want for nothing.
Um...
- I...
- Viv?
I'll be in the car, okay?
Amazeballs.
Means "namaste," essentially.
Okay, before you say anything,
maybe it is a good plan.
Maybe Violet will be better off.
- Viv...
- And you'll be better off!
I won't be here all the time
bothering you, taking your stuff,
showering at your place
when you guys are gone.
It took you so long
to leave on Thursday.
- Oh.
- Greg?
A word?
I called the vet, and they said pumpkin
will make him go immediately,
so I fed him a can and a half.
Smart.
Come on, boy! Give us some earrings!
And cufflinks...
don't forget the cufflinks.
Whoa, whoa. He needs his space.
Ooh, I think he's ready to go.
How can you tell?
It looks like he's trying to solve
a really hard math problem.
Good boy, good boy!
Mom's earrings!
Where are my cufflinks?
Come on, boy.
What else you got in there?
A thimble? A race car?
Well, looks like he got into Monopoly.
Come on, boy. Where are my cufflinks?
Luthor never ate your cufflinks.
He didn't?
Then where are they?
I couldn't feed cufflinks to our dog.
I'm not a monster.
I just needed you to help me.
Really?
You played me?
All new respect.
For the "dumb one,"
that was a pretty smart move.
I think you mean for the "dumb whom,"
that was a pretty smart move.
Here's the problem...
Evil Katie almost
has Viv out of her hair.
She wants fewer people depending on her
so she can have more of a life.
And sending Viv off with Alan
would do that in spades.
But Good Katie knows...
That Viv and her baby belong together.
But Evil Katie is tired of
using Russian dressing
to cover her blemishes because
Viv stole her concealer.
But we're human beings, and...
And... we need to do the right thing.
Fine.
I blame you for making me
a better person.
It's very unpleasant.
Viv, I know that you have told me
that you are not mom material,
but you are wrong.
- I am?
- Yes.
Violet is amazing.
- I tried to make her cry repeatedly today...
- Wait, why would you...
It's not important, Viv.
It's Alan.
You have got the best baby ever.
And there is only one reason for it.
Because she has got the best mom ever.
You really think I'm a good mom?
I know you are.
Ugh!
That is such a relief
because I stole
your "best mom ever" mug,
and I felt really bad about it.
But now I feel like I earned it.
You know what?
I don't need a man to make me happy.
Because you make me happy.
Yes, you do.
Violet, it'll be the two of us
against the world.
It'll be the two of you plus the
Otto family against the world.
I don't need a man.
Because you're my man.
Oh, gosh, you're my big,
strong, burly man.
I could kill Good Katie.
Mm.
Look who I have here.
Oh my God, Greg, she's alive!
She made it through the sleepover
and nothing bad happened!
All right, I get it.
You were right, it was good.
We made S'mores and had
a marshmallow fight.
I'm glad I stayed.
Anna-Kat.
Yeah?
I am proud of you.
Thanks, Mom.
"Mom"?
Yeah, "Mom."
None of the kids say "Mama."
That's for babies.
No more "Mama."
I'm not "Mama" anymore.
I'm now... "Mom."
"Mom."
It's the end of an era.
She was so little.
So... fourth baby?
Nah.
I'm just gonna teach Luthor
to call me "Mama."
I saw a husky do it on the Internet.
I am telling you it is more fun
to steal from restaurants
than your friends.
Okay.
One... two...
three... now!
You're right. And it's always stocked.
I mean, I could never get real
maple syrup at your place,
I mean, 'cause you're always like,
"glug, glug, glug, glug, glug."
When the manager
turns away, grab the ketchup.
Oh, no, no, no.
I've already stolen like
three ketchups from you.
But they have those tiny
hot sauces, and I love those.
- Okay, on three.
- Okay.
One... Two...
Dibs!
- Oh.
- It's taco night tonight.
I'll make it up to you.
Next stop... Starbucks.
When you ask them for almond milk,
they hand you a whole carton.
- So fun!
- Yeah.
---
Here you go.
Your favorite PJs are ready
- for your first sleepover!
- What?
I told you I never want
to go on a sleepover.
Which is why I'm telling you
at the last second!
I didn't want to hear you
complain all week.
What if they make me
sleep next to an outlet
and I roll over and my pinky
goes in and I get electrocuted?
Then you're crying, "Why?
Why did I make my baby go?"
You are going.
You are too old to keep
dodging sleepovers.
"She was so little!"
- Still reading exams?
- Yep,
I have to get through these
50 essays this weekend.
It's exciting to see how
students do under pressure.
Some struggle, but others soar!
That's probably because
you're such a great teacher,
mentor and father.
Whatever it is, I agree with Mom.
Please, Daddy!
Mama wants me to go to a sleepover!
Anna-Kat, that's not true.
I am forcing you to go to a sleepover.
You know Oliver only
cares about himself,
so if you alienate me,
all you'll be left with is
Taylor to take care of you.
Not smart, Mama.
Hi!
Ugh, trade.
Ah, ooh.
Hey, Violet.
Oh.
What happened to your hair?
I can't afford to be blonde anymore.
Pretty soon I'll be buying
second-hand clothes
from garage sales like... this.
- Ugh.
- I'll have you know
I won this at Dave & Buster's.
700 tickets.
You know, I love Violet so much,
but being a mom is so hard.
Why didn't anyone warn me?
You can hear me screaming
at my kids from your house
ten times a day.
Isn't that warning enough?
Can I help you find something?
You know it's just me over there
in that giant house all by myself.
I can't afford a nanny,
Pilates is too expensive
so now I'm breastfeeding to lose weight.
I ballooned up to a size four.
Katie, your screaming pillow.
Excuse me.
See, you have Greg to help you
with everything, especially the kids.
Who's got the sweetest nosey
on your face-face?
- You do!
- And on the plus side,
his baby talk doubles as birth control.
Viv, I know you're a little broke,
but you can't steal groceries
from my house.
Hilarious, I love it!
I don't know, Katie.
I just... feel like I can't do
this alone anymore.
Do you guys think that you could
watch Violet for me tonight?
We'd love to!
Why are we watching the baby tonight?
I am headed to Mario's
down by the train station
where all the divorced investment
bankers go after work.
I think I can snag one
if I get there before all
the tramps take the good seats.
- What are the good seats?
- Ooh.
The barstools at the end.
That way I can do this...
...without hitting anybody.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
Are those my earrings?
These are so nice!
- Can I borrow them?
- No.
I wore them to a business dinner
but saved the receipt.
- I'm returning them.
- No wonder I like them more
than the rest of your trash...
Treasures!
Off now.
They're expensive
and if I don't return them by tomorrow
then I will be stuck with a store credit
that expires the day before I find it
in a drawer with the extension cords.
Ugh, news again.
That's it. I'm deleting this app.
No.
No no no no no no!
Bad dog! Luthor, sit!
Now Luthor, reverse swallow.
Reverse swallow!
Okay, practice run.
When the mom says to go to sleep,
you take your sleeping bag
and put it next to the bathroom
just in case you want
to wash your hands a few times.
Yeah, Mama, if you
want me to get covered
in sewer water when a pipe bursts.
- That is not gonna...
- Mama, I dunno.
This is all happening so fast, Mama.
You don't have to keep saying "Mama."
I know who you're talking to.
If you have any problems, call us.
No matter how late.
Even if you just want to talk.
A word, Greg?
As the years go on, coming into
this room alone with you
has become more scary than sexy.
Why are you coddling her?
She needs a push right now, not a hug.
She's nervous. She's our baby...
She is turning 10!
And this is our opportunity
to help her grow up a little.
I need this.
I am getting "Mama" 'd
to death in there.
What's your hurry to make her grow up?
- She's our last one.
- Exactly.
We're on the verge of
getting our lives back.
Not if we take action.
Let's have another baby.
Can you get my screaming pillow?
I'm sad our kids are getting big.
I miss reading them books,
they reach for your hand,
I miss the way they mispronounce words.
Taylor still does it, but it's not cute.
- It's more worrisome.
- Mm-hmm.
Playing with Viv's baby today
made me want to start all over again.
Well then I wish you and your
second wife the very best.
I can't go to the sleepover, Mama.
I think I'm getting my period.
- No, you're not.
- I'm telling you.
I can feel my uterine wall loosening.
Stop Googling stuff
and go pack your bag!
Can I ask you a favor?
- I need...
- Not my problem.
This is serious.
Then it's seriously not my problem.
That's good stuff.
I turned around and Luthor ate
Mom's expensive earrings.
You're in so much trouble.
I read online it can take a dog a month
to pass something like this.
But I need them by tomorrow.
- What do I do?
- Oh, I know.
Leave me out of it.
I am on fire.
You're always calling me the dumb one.
So I'm dumb. Help me!
All right, all right, I'll help you.
Don't forget to wear gloves.
Three for three!
Viv, did you steal my car keys
so I'd come over?
No.
Yes.
But, hey,
would you just stay
and talk to me for, like,
ten minutes about anything adult?
Look, just pick a topic.
Is this my magazine?
Did you take this from my bathroom?
I left my phone in the bedroom
and had to read the shampoo
bottle like an animal!
- Hi, Viv.
- Alan?!
How the hell did you get in here?
I opened the door
with the light of my soul.
And my key... I still have
my key, and it works.
This isn't your home anymore, Alan.
You and Viv are divorced.
She kicked you out a year ago.
I know, and I deserved that.
And in that time,
I've been in an ashram in India.
I've been meditating.
I've been finding myself,
reading other people's auras.
Yours, by the way, is very cloudy.
That's not good.
You might want to have that looked at.
What do you want, Alan?
Listen, Viv, I wasn't
the greatest husband.
But I want us to have a fresh start.
And I realize you are
the most important thing,
and if you take me back this time,
I will give you everything
you deserve...
champagne, travel...
I will teach you to levitate.
Did you see that? It's very subtle.
I really would like to believe
that you've changed.
Let me show you that I've changed.
If you take me back, I'll make
sure your energy is pure
and your sandals are Prada.
Nice try, Alan, but Viv
doesn't need you anymore.
She is a strong, independent woman...
- Um, actually...
- No, Viv.
- Um, actually, again.
- Viv!
- Katie.
- You do not need a man
to make you happy.
Viv, it's just us this time...
you and me.
A-All my children are in prep school,
so there'll be no kids
to come between us.
Whose baby is that?
Katie's!
Congratulations, Katie.
"Namaste."
That's a really neat phrase I learned.
It means "amazeballs."
Everything's gonna be just
like it was only better.
- Oh.
- I'm getting so healthy right now,
- I'm practically peeing essential oils.
- Oh.
- And you will, too.
- I can't wait.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go fill our toilet
with eucalyptus and ylang-ylang.
Mmm.
My baby?
I don't know.
It was all I could think of.
She's your baby, Viv!
Of course she is! I'm just...
Giving up your baby for a shot
with your terrible ex-husband?
No, not giving her up,
just buying time to see if Alan
and I can work it out.
He's going to have to know about her.
She is not a banjo
you can store in my basement.
Did I used to own a banjo?
No, it could be anything.
It's a figure of speech!
- Well I don't understand it.
- Viv!
Katie, please,
just watch Violet for the night.
Then Alan and I will be back together,
and I promise I will come clean.
By then he'll be so in love with me
he'll have to be in love with her.
- This is a bad idea.
- Please?
Being a single mom is so hard.
And I want my blond hair back.
Brunettes lead sad, miserable lives.
You of all people should
understand that.
Hey. Why'd you want my old...
Oh, hell no!
You had another one?!
Do they just drop
out of you without warning?
It is Viv's baby.
I did not have time to
grab a stroller from her.
Why would you want to babysit Viv's baby?
Alan is back
so I'm stuck taking care
of little Viv here
until she can get up the guts
to tell Alan she had a baby.
Since when do you do such
nice things for people?
I don't know.
I'm losing what makes me special.
The worst part is having this
little angel at our house
is making Greg baby crazy.
And I do not want another baby.
Sometimes the best cure
for wanting a baby
is spending time with a baby.
Yeah, it's true.
Make Greg watch the baby all night.
- See how he likes it then.
- Mm-hmm.
I always say, if you want to
talk someone out of marriage,
just hang out with my ex-wife.
What does that have to do with the baby?
I don't know,
I just feel like we don't
talk about me enough.
Ready for your sleepover?
It was nice knowing you, boy.
You with your shorter life span,
and here I am going first.
You will be home tomorrow morning.
Get in the car.
Here you go, Professor.
Katie, I'm working.
Not anymore.
Oh, is having a baby
sometimes inconvenient?
Good thing she's not a toddler,
because toddlers do stuff like this.
You know how you said the dog
eating Mom's earrings
wasn't your problem?
Yeah, that was great.
And remember those gold cufflinks
that you got from Spencer?
You mean the ones that he stole
off Malcolm Forbes' corpse
at his funeral?
Right, those.
Well, now we have the same problem
because Luthor ate them.
How'd Luthor get them?!
Well, they somehow fell into a treat.
That I fed him. And then I laughed.
Now grab some gloves and join the party.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I am back from dropping Anna-Kat off.
Where is Violet?
She's napping in my office
like an angel.
- Is she?
- Yeah.
Hmm.
Why are you putting
loose change in the blender?
You need to sharpen the blades
every six months.
You are not staying on top of it.
I don't think tha...
You'll wake the baby!
Oh, is she sleeping?!
I forgot she was even here!
We were just talking about her!
Why isn't she crying?
She's so calm.
I forgot how good babies can be.
Oh.
Such a good baby!
Let's see how good
you are when I do this.
I better clean this pacifier.
Newborns are the best.
You've made a powerful enemy, baby.
Anna-Kat, are you okay?
You were so right.
- The sleepover is fun.
- See?
But we're having
a stuffed animal tea party
and I didn't bring one.
I'm going to be stuck using
an oven mitt like an idiot.
Okay, calm down. I'll be right there.
Bring my stuffed turtle.
The one with the friendly eyes.
Not the one who looks like
he has a terrible secret.
How am I supposed to figure that out?
You'll know.
What do you know, turtle?
Mama!
- Here's your turtle.
- Forget the turtle.
Let's get out of here.
Wait, what about the tea party?
There was never any tea party.
Let me get my things,
and I'll explain in the car.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're not getting your things.
Good thinking. Leave 'em here.
- Collateral damage.
- No.
Just because something is hard
does not mean you run away from it.
This is an opportunity
for you to make friends
with some nice girls.
I am not taking you home.
Kids, it's time to
decorate your own cupcake!
I'm in hell.
Viv?
What are you doing here?
Other than breastfeeding and
making Greg uncomfortable.
I couldn't figure out
a way of getting past her
without looking.
Before I go out with Alan for the night,
I had to feed my sweet,
beautiful Violet.
This is always the best part of my day.
Mm.
I remember when I had
best parts of my day.
All right, Viv.
The car's out...
Why are you breastfeeding Katie's baby?
- Uh...
- When you left Viv,
she became so poor that... I had
to hire her... as my wet nurse.
That's... right.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Um, Katie is just one of
my many clients that I wet for.
I-I'm not an idiot, okay?
Okay, Alan...
...Violet's my baby.
Since we've been divorced,
you had a baby?
Alan, what you have to understand...
[Bleep] I looked.
And the father was a pig whisperer,
he caught me at a very vulnerable time.
But then he left town and
I never heard from him again.
Well, the "old me" would've
dumped you immediately.
But Swami Gary's taught me
to think before I act.
He calls it "thacting."
What other vocab did
Swami Gary teach you?
Douching, by chance?
As in, the act of being a douche?
Here's my offer... we're gonna
Westport the whole situation.
We're gonna hire
an entire staff of nannies.
They're gonna care for her.
They're gonna feed her.
They're gonna take her
to tennis lessons, okay?
When she's old enough,
we're gonna get her into
a Swiss boarding school.
And then you and I
will live our lives...
our big, awesome, amazing lives,
and you are gonna want for nothing.
Um...
- I...
- Viv?
I'll be in the car, okay?
Amazeballs.
Means "namaste," essentially.
Okay, before you say anything,
maybe it is a good plan.
Maybe Violet will be better off.
- Viv...
- And you'll be better off!
I won't be here all the time
bothering you, taking your stuff,
showering at your place
when you guys are gone.
It took you so long
to leave on Thursday.
- Oh.
- Greg?
A word?
I called the vet, and they said pumpkin
will make him go immediately,
so I fed him a can and a half.
Smart.
Come on, boy! Give us some earrings!
And cufflinks...
don't forget the cufflinks.
Whoa, whoa. He needs his space.
Ooh, I think he's ready to go.
How can you tell?
It looks like he's trying to solve
a really hard math problem.
Good boy, good boy!
Mom's earrings!
Where are my cufflinks?
Come on, boy.
What else you got in there?
A thimble? A race car?
Well, looks like he got into Monopoly.
Come on, boy. Where are my cufflinks?
Luthor never ate your cufflinks.
He didn't?
Then where are they?
I couldn't feed cufflinks to our dog.
I'm not a monster.
I just needed you to help me.
Really?
You played me?
All new respect.
For the "dumb one,"
that was a pretty smart move.
I think you mean for the "dumb whom,"
that was a pretty smart move.
Here's the problem...
Evil Katie almost
has Viv out of her hair.
She wants fewer people depending on her
so she can have more of a life.
And sending Viv off with Alan
would do that in spades.
But Good Katie knows...
That Viv and her baby belong together.
But Evil Katie is tired of
using Russian dressing
to cover her blemishes because
Viv stole her concealer.
But we're human beings, and...
And... we need to do the right thing.
Fine.
I blame you for making me
a better person.
It's very unpleasant.
Viv, I know that you have told me
that you are not mom material,
but you are wrong.
- I am?
- Yes.
Violet is amazing.
- I tried to make her cry repeatedly today...
- Wait, why would you...
It's not important, Viv.
It's Alan.
You have got the best baby ever.
And there is only one reason for it.
Because she has got the best mom ever.
You really think I'm a good mom?
I know you are.
Ugh!
That is such a relief
because I stole
your "best mom ever" mug,
and I felt really bad about it.
But now I feel like I earned it.
You know what?
I don't need a man to make me happy.
Because you make me happy.
Yes, you do.
Violet, it'll be the two of us
against the world.
It'll be the two of you plus the
Otto family against the world.
I don't need a man.
Because you're my man.
Oh, gosh, you're my big,
strong, burly man.
I could kill Good Katie.
Mm.
Look who I have here.
Oh my God, Greg, she's alive!
She made it through the sleepover
and nothing bad happened!
All right, I get it.
You were right, it was good.
We made S'mores and had
a marshmallow fight.
I'm glad I stayed.
Anna-Kat.
Yeah?
I am proud of you.
Thanks, Mom.
"Mom"?
Yeah, "Mom."
None of the kids say "Mama."
That's for babies.
No more "Mama."
I'm not "Mama" anymore.
I'm now... "Mom."
"Mom."
It's the end of an era.
She was so little.
So... fourth baby?
Nah.
I'm just gonna teach Luthor
to call me "Mama."
I saw a husky do it on the Internet.
I am telling you it is more fun
to steal from restaurants
than your friends.
Okay.
One... two...
three... now!
You're right. And it's always stocked.
I mean, I could never get real
maple syrup at your place,
I mean, 'cause you're always like,
"glug, glug, glug, glug, glug."
When the manager
turns away, grab the ketchup.
Oh, no, no, no.
I've already stolen like
three ketchups from you.
But they have those tiny
hot sauces, and I love those.
- Okay, on three.
- Okay.
One... Two...
Dibs!
- Oh.
- It's taco night tonight.
I'll make it up to you.
Next stop... Starbucks.
When you ask them for almond milk,
they hand you a whole carton.
- So fun!
- Yeah.