American Dragon: Jake Long (2005–2007): Season 2, Episode 7 - Family Business - full transcript

(HOBGOBLINS GROWLING)

(HORNS HONKING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(HORN HONKING)

Smash cars. Gonna be fun. (LAUGHS)

FU DOG: Wowie, wow, wow, wow.

Can you believe Pixie Lohan had the nerve
to crash Katie Gnome's baby shower?

(LAUGHS) I tell you,

Magic Week Magazine
gets all the inside dirt.

So, you nervous about being
the next cover story?

JAKE: Nervous? You joking?



It's about time the Am Drag
got the press he deserves.

FU DOG: Uh, rampaging hobgoblins.

You don't want to take this mission on
mano-a-hobgoblano.

We better call the old man for backup.

Fu, they don't do cover stories
on dudes who need backup.

(FU DOG GRUNTS)

-(HOBGOBLINS GRUNTING)
-No autographs, boys.

You can buy the magazine
from the newsstand like everybody else.

Whoa! Whoa!

(JAKE STRAINING)

Dude, watch the face.
I got a photoshoot on Monday.

Pretty face go bye-bye. (LAUGHS)

(HOBGOBLINS SHRIEKING)

Gramps, what took you so long?



-Yo, G?
-"Yo, H," is more like it.

Haley?

(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

♪ He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪

♪ He's young and fast
He's the chosen one ♪

♪ People, we're not braggin' ♪

♪ He's the American Dragon ♪

♪ He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power ♪

♪ Dragon teeth, dragon tail,
burnin' dragon fire ♪

♪ A real live wire ♪

♪ American Dragon ♪

♪ American Dragon ♪

♪ He's the American Dragon ♪

♪ His skills are getting faster ♪

♪ With Grandpa, the master ♪

♪ His destiny, what's up, G? ♪

♪ It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪

♪ American Dragon ♪

♪ I'm a dragon, I'm not braggin'
It's my destiny ♪

♪ I'm the magical protector of the NYC ♪

Ya heard?

♪ American Dragon ♪

Yeow!

(HOBGOBLINS GROANING)

Haley, what are you doing?

Haley, prepare to fight.

Remember, let your instincts guide you.

Huh? Who is that?

(HOBGOBLINS SCREAMING)

Use what you know. Round off.

(HALEY GRUNTS)

(HOBGOBLIN GROANS)

Balance beam.

-(HALEY GRUNTS)
-(HOBGOBLIN GROANING)

(HOBGOBLIN SHRIEKING)

I did it.

My first dragon battle and I did great.

How do I do it?

-(JAKE STRAINING)
-Jake, do you need help?

JAKE: Help? As if.

Okay, who are you?

I am the Korean Dragon,
but you know me... as Sun Park.

Whoa! What? Sun?

But you're my home ec teacher.

-(CAMERA CLICKS)
-Sam Spark, Magic Week Magazine.

I thought I'd grab some ho-hum candids
by cha-ching...

My editor's gonna love
how candid these are.

-Hmm? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
-Oh, the press.

-My name's Haley. Spelled H-A-L...
-Yeah, kid, great.

You're in my shot.

Okay, hold up.

I'm standing here in my underwear
in front of a reporter,

my little sister and my home ec teacher?

This can't be real.

Oh... Oh! I get it.

This is one of those stress dreams.

I'm totally dreaming.

I love it when you realize
you're in the middle of a dream,

you can do whatever you want to.

What's up, sunshine?

Oh, come on, y'all.
Raise the roof!

♪ Shake what your daddy gave ya ♪

♪ Shake it like it just might save ya ♪

♪ Can I get a whoop whoop? ♪

♪ No? What about a hey, ha... ♪

(SIGHS) This isn't a dream, is it?

Already you take her into battle?
What were you thinking?

If Haley is to be Jake's backup,
she needs to be prepared.

It's okay, Grandpa.
I know Jake always complains about

how hard it is to be the American Dragon,

but it seemed pretty easy to me.

Sun, since you appear to be rusty
on training basics,

Jake and I will join you
for a refresher course

starting tomorrow afternoon.

Uh, Gramps, can you please tell me
what the heck is going on?

Why is Haley being trained
when she's only eight years old?

Haley became aware of her dragon powers
at a younger age,

so she must be trained at a younger age.

But why didn't anyone tell me?

Kid, Haley is your Achilles' heel,

so we were sort of waiting
for the right time.

We knew once you found out,

you'd be looking over your shoulder
all the time

waiting for her to show you up.

Haley? Show this up? Yeah, right.

(GASPS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(PIANO PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(PIANO PLAYING)

(LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(GASPS) Breakfast in bed?
How thoughtful.

Okay, she's my Achilles' heel.

So? Does she have to start training
this week?

I don't know if you remember,
but I got press, yo.

Jake, I allowed this photoshoot

because I remember fondly
my own years as a magical pin-up boy.

And because you promised
it would not interfere with your work

as the American Dragon.

(SIGHS) Okay, it won't.

At least tonight can't get any worse.

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

(THUNDERCLAP)

-Okay, it just did.
-Marty?

Oh, you old dog, you.

Uh, hello? A little freaked out here.

Jake, I want you to meet
my old buddy, Marty.

The Grim Reaper.

The best practical joker
this side of Hades.

Pull my finger. Go on.

(MARTY SCREAMS)

(CHUCKLES) Didn't expect that, did you?

(LAUGHS, COUGHS)

This guy slays me. (LAUGHS)

Yeah, speaking of that, Fu,
I hate to tell you this,

but I'm not here on a social visit.

-(THUNDERCLAP)
-Huh? But, Marty,

there's so much I haven't seen.

The Great Barrier Reef,
the Grand Canal of Venice,

the So-So Taco Shack of Upper Nyack.

Kidding. Kidding!

Ah, Marty, (CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
don't do that,

'cause it's getting a little hot in here
and... Oh, boy.

Anyhoo, I'm renovating my condo
in Tribeca.

Mind if I crash here for a few days?

And, kid, (CHUCKLES) my finger?

JAKE: Ugh.

SPUD: I knew there was something weird
about Sun.

She tried to get me to put alfalfa sprouts
in a grilled cheese sandwich.

No one pushes sprouts like that
without a secret to hide.

It's not Sun I'm worried about.

Then what are you tripping about?

Being the American Dragon's
always been my thing.

And everything else in the world
has always been Haley's thing.

So why does she have to get
all overachiever

on the one thing I'm good at?

Jake, can you really picture
little Miss Thang doing dragon training?

You're right.

Haley's gonna catch a whiff
of the drag train

and be all, "Sorry, I don't think so."

Yeah. I can't wait to see
the first time she gets yelled at

by her dragon master.

Before we start, Haley,

hugs.

What?

Gramps, Haley is gonna have to do
the same exercises I do, right?

Yes, yes. Although, Teacher Sun
will be free to interpret them

in any way she sees fit.

Sun, we will begin
with the trust exercise.

Below is the pus of 1,000 witches' boils.

But, of course, I will catch you.

(LAUGHING) That was fun.

Let's do it again.

Whatever brings you joy, little butterfly.

Just remember,
I will always be here for you.

(GROANING IN DISGUST)

My tongue. Ow! Ruined forever.

(SIGHS) The lesson, of course,
is to trust no one.

-(GRUNTING)
-SAM: Big smile for the camera.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Next, strength training.

This is to remind us that
we hold up the magical community

that lives around us.

Physical strength fades
as the twilight grows longer,

but inner strength will never leave you.

(STRAINING)

That's her strength exercise?

(SCOFFS) This is nothing.

Come on, Gramps.
Give me all the test you got.

-(HEAVY FOOTSTEPS)
-Huh?

Here I come!

(WHIMPERS)

(JAKE GRUNTS, SIGHS)

Oh!

Hey, Jake, could you pull your head
out of the giant's mouth? Perfect.

Finally, it is important that we engage
in charity work for magical creatures.

Oh, Bertha,
where you been riding the trough, girl?

Gob and Stomp. Yum!

(BELCHING)

HALEY: Don't be silly.

Of course the Pixie boys like you.
You've got a winning personality.

Okay, looks like you got a rotten tooth.

This is gonna hurt a little.

-Sam, you wanna get a pic...
-(CAMERA CLICKS)

-Sam?
-SAM: Yes, Haley, work the camera.

Own it. How about a profile shot? Perfect!

FU DOG: Yoohoo? Marty?

Huh?

-(DOOR OPENS)
-(GASPS)

-(FARTING)
-(CHUCKLES)

Gotcha! Huh?

Whoa! Sorry about that. Sausage roll.

Looks good on the menu, but don't do it.

Please, the old whoopee cushion gag?

Fu, you do not want
to mess with the master.

-Hey, kid.
-Sam! Need a hero shot?

Want my good side or my good side?

Uh, no, kid.

Listen, I've got great news.

I sent my pictures back to my editors
and they loved 'em.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Thing is, what they love is Haley,
so she's gonna be on the cover.

-With me?
-Instead of you, but they love it.

That's great, right?

Haley instead of me?

That's... the greatest.

So, what do we got here?
A little action,

a "little night
in the life of a dragon" stuff?

An ogre has stolen the ancient
golden pendant of the leprechaun clan.

Without its swift return,

the leprechauns will declare war
on the ogres.

Yeah, we're going with a cute angle
for Haley's spread.

So, if we could skip the ogres and wars

and focus on something like
Haley saving a gnome

stuck in a tree, that'd be great.

What? This is important dragon work.

Not some teenybopper photo opportunity.

Jake, you will take your sister
on this patrol.

Why does she need me?

She's the cover girl.

Jake, you sister is not ready to go alone.

She is your responsibility.

Was there something specific about Jake
that your editors didn't like?

I ask because I think it's important
to learn from your mistakes.

But since I don't make any,
I try to learn from Jake's.

(OGRE GROWLING)

Your mistake was picking Haley.

Watch and learn how the real Am Drag
does business.

Dragon up!

Hey, Sam, what makes the best photo op?

Your options are, A,
a slippety slap down shake.

B, a box of kung fu
bone crackalackin' crackers.

C, a blast of hot tamale,
hot breath, hot sauce.

Or D, all of the above, baby.

-Huh? Whoa!
-(WATER SPLASHING)

(STRAINING)

(SHRIEKING)

(SCREAMING, GROANING)

Jake, I hope you don't mind,

but I'm gonna try something
a little different, okay?

Dragon up!

Hello, Mr. Ogre.

My, that is the handsomest pendant
I've ever seen.

And you wear it so well.

Don't make me look fatty fat?

Oh, no! Would you mind
if I got a closer look?

Oh, thank you.

The necklace is mine, mine, mine!

(SINGSONG VOICE) I got it.

Did you want a picture of that?

You betcha, little lady.

That's it. Just like that.
Oh, perfect, Haley.

You are a star!

MARTY: See ya, kid. Off to yoga.

Huh? Who's the man?

Say what?

Dog. Man-dog.

No, that just doesn't sound right.
Hey, what the...

Okay, that's it.

I'm going down to
Ha-Ha's Magical Prank Shop

and I'm gonna find a prank
that'll get Marty once and for all.

Magical Prank Shop?

TRIXIE: Uh, why are we here exactly?

Because Haley stole my spot
on the cover of Magic Week.

It's time for a little payback.

Hey, look at those teeth.

Huh?

(SPUD SCREAMING)

TRIXIE: Anyway, you sure
you want to prank Haley?

Totally. Just one teensy harmless prank

to make up for years of her
making a fool out of me.

Ooh, this has possibilities.

Fu, I don't mean to burst your bubble
or whatever,

but Marty is the Grim Reaper.

Yeah, but he hasn't always been.

That guy had one dead-end job
after another.

(SCANNER BEEPING)

(BEEPING)

Then he landed the gig as Death.
Never been happier,

but he had to tap out the guy
who was Grim Reaper before him.

Oh, yeah, this is gonna do the trick.

-(FU DOG LAUGHS)
-(SPUD SCREAMS)

-(SNAP)
-Ah! My tuchus!

JAKE: One pinch of Dragon Giggles
and dragons lose control of their powers.

Livens up any dragon party.

Or photoshoot.

PIXIE: Almost done, Haley.

Just a smidge more powder
and you'll be camera-ready.

Perfect!

(SPUD MUNCHING)

Ooh, those lights
will really dry your skin out.

Better hydrate.

Hmm? Thanks, Jake,

for not being threatened
by my natural dragon abilities.

PIXIE: Okay, Haley, one minute to camera.

Are you sure you still want
to go through with this?

Remember, little mister,
she is your little sister.

(SIGHS) Maybe you're right.

(SIGHS) Haley.

-There's something I have to...
-There's something I have to tell you too.

You first.

Well, I told my people to ask their people
if they could put you in the article too.

And they said yes.
Look, they sent me a mock-up.

So what did you have to say to me?

Bottoms up.

SAM: Ready, Haley?

HALEY: But, of course!

SAM: Let me see your best dragon face.

(FARTS)

What's going on?

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, I was thinking
more of a mouth-fire thing.

Okay, I'll just...

(EXHALES)

(SNICKERS)

Uh, not exactly what I had in mind.

Huh?

-(CACKLING)
-(HALEY YELLS)

Help!

I don't know what's happening to me.

(ALL LAUGHING)

-(HOBGOBLINS GROWLING)
-ELF: Ah! Hobgoblins! Run for your lives!

(GROWLING)

-(SHRIEKING)
-(HOBGOBLINS GROWLING)

Hobgoblins make pain. Dragon pain.

Time to hobnob with the hobgobs.

Dragon up!

-Get ready for your close-up, papi.
-(GROWLS ANGRILY)

Haley, you doing okay over there?

(SHRIEKS) Jake!

I can't control myself.

Hold on, Haley.

-(HALEY SHRIEKING)
-Huh?

-Haley!
-HALEY: Jake! Help!

Why weren't you watching
after your sister?

Don't be too hard on him, Lao Shi.
This isn't his fault.

Actually, it is.

Jake, there is no time to waste.
You must tell us what happened.

I gave Haley a powder that
made her lose control of her powers.

We gotta go save her.

Sun and I will go. You have done enough.

Stay here.

Fu, you have to help me find her.

Um, what part of "stay here"
did you not understand, huh?

The part where I leave Haley out there
in the hands of those hobgoblins.

Fu, this is all my fault.
I have to fix it.

MARTY: Jeez, is it too much
to ask you guys

to replace the TP
every once in a blood red moon?

I hate to say it, but Marty can help us.

Marty?

Yeah, he knows the location
of any soul in...

In mortal danger, right?

Yeah, that doesn't mean
I'm gonna get the call.

Just professional courtesy, so to speak.

I heard about your sister 20 minutes ago.
This will tell you where she is.

I hope you get to her before I do.
Good luck.

Thanks, buddy.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(GASPS)

(THUNDERCLAP)

What? Is it getting hot in here? (GROANS)

All right, prank delivered.
Now, hand over the money.

Um, Fu?

(HOBGOBLINS LAUGHING)

Time for to hurt her.

I hope you fight better than
you conjugate sentences, Hob,

Rob... (WHIMPERS)

How am I supposed to think
of something snappy to say

when I'm about to be slain?

JAKE: You hobgoblins really are
dumb as bricks.

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

I got you, Haley.

Break dragon. Break it now.

Dragons. Plural.

Come on, sis, let's show 'em
what we can do.

I... can't.

Sure you can. Take my tail.

(HOBGOBLINS GRUNTING)

(HALEY GRUNTING)

Express to Painsville
pulling into the station.

That's a hit that keeps on hittin'.

-You got skills, girl.
-Thanks, Jake.

You're a good teacher.

Now there's something we can agree on.

You put your sister in harm's way.

I just wanted her to know
what it was like to...

(SIGHS) I have no excuse.

Haley shouldn't just be taking my cover.
She should be taking my job.

I don't deserve to be the American Dragon.

(SIGHS) I guess it's just one more thing
she's better at than me.

Actually, I'm not.

-What?
-That powder you gave me

wore off in a couple of minutes.

But I still couldn't control my powers.

I was just so scared. I...

I couldn't remember anything I learned.

But you're the perfect dragon.

No one can be perfect at everything.

Not even me.

Jake's just a better dragon than I am.

I'm afraid Haley is still too young,
too inexperienced

for the kind of danger
the American Dragon must face.

And you, young one,

are a very gifted dragon
whom I would never replace with anyone.

Thanks, G.

But that doesn't mean
you cannot be punished.

Yeah, so,
about the "gifted dragon" part...

(GROANS IN DISGUST)

Gramps, where do you even get
the pus of 1,000 witches' boils?

How is your dragon tongue
cleaning and talking at the same time?

(RETCHING)

Balthazar, you are a true prank artiste.

Yeah, I do what I love
and I love what I do.

Now, where's the cash?

For the zine.

Huh?

Sweet!

Beefcake city, here I come.

And no one will ever have to ask you
if you wear boxers or briefs.

Huh? Aw, man!

FU DOG: Okay, you already saw
one of Marty's dead-end jobs.

Here's a few more you didn't see.

-There was Marty the cruise director.
-(MAN AND WOMAN SCREAMING)

Marty the fitness instructor.

And my own personal favorite,
Marty the chorus boy.

Who says the undead don't got rhythm?

-(MARTY FARTS)
-(ALL SCREAMING)

MARTY: Sausage roll.
Didn't expect that, did ya?

(MARTY LAUGHS, COUGHS)