American Dragon: Jake Long (2005–2007): Season 2, Episode 5 - Something Fishy This Way Comes - full transcript
Jake's schoolwork is failing, mainly due to his double life as the American Dragon. His principal, Ms. Derceto (a paraplegic), wants to talk to his parents, but they're out of town. Jake's current mission is to track down a kelpie, a shape-shifting creature from the ocean that robs magical creatures of their power. After Ms. Derceto comes by to talk to his Grampa, the two of them start dating. Jake notices that kelpie attacks seem to happen whenever Ms. Derceto comes by, and he suspects that she is the kelpie. When he confronts her at her home, she jumps out of her wheelchair and attacks Jake. Jake captures her, but then realizes that she's a mermaid, one of several undercover merpolice that have been looking for the kelpie for a year. She thought Jake was the kelpie, due to the changes in his grades and attitude in the last year. They then realize that Grampa is defenseless against the kelpie, who is disguised as Fu Dog's date. They return to Grampa's shop and battle the kelpie, finally defeating him and turning him over to the merpolice. Sadly, though, Ms. Derceto must return to the ocean and break up with Grampa. Even worse, Jake's mythology teacher, Mr. Rottwood, has been promoted to principal.
Water. It covers two-thirds
of the Earth's surface.
Does it therefore hold
two-thirds of the world's
magical creatures in its depths?
We can draw but one conclusion.
SPUD: I have a beef jerky head.
Now watch me dance the cha-cha.
(TRIXIE AND JAKE SNICKER)
(WHISPERS) That Rotwood puppet
is, for serious, messed up, Spud.
Yeah. Yo, but you got
the voice all wrong. Check this.
(IMITATES PROFESSOR ROTWOOD)
You kids want to see magical creatures?
Check out all the nasty nose trolls
and backdoor gas monsters I got in my...
I was quite the puppenspieler
back in my day, too,
-Mr. Marionette Mockery Man!
-Hey!
Shall we now see if I've still got it?
I am beef jerky Jake Long,
and I'm a real jerk-y.
(LAUGHING) I'm sorry, bro,
but you gotta admit
that was some sweet puppenspieling!
Principal's office, now!
This is your 37th trip to my office
in the year I've been here, Jake.
I see my secretary less than you.
Your grades are slipping, there's been
a huge uptick in absences and tardies...
I've read your permanent record.
You weren't always like this.
What's happened to you this past year?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) It's, uh, been,
you know, uh, lots of...
changes.
Well, it's high time you changed back.
And I'm afraid I'm going to have to talk
to your parents about how to do just that.
My parents? You can't! I...
What the heck? Fu?
Excuse me?
I was just saying, "Phew!
"What the heck took us so long
to have this talk?"
No, you said, "Fu."
There was clearly no "yuh" sound
in the middle.
Uh, I think there's a problem
I may need to...
We're not done here, Mr. Long.
Your parents need to know...
Yeah, well, I'm sure they'd love to chat,
but my parents are out of town
at some junior genius convention
for my little sister.
It's just me and Gramps
kickin' at the crib, and...
Aw, man!
I really gotta go. Sorry, Ms. D.
Ugh, now that's just wrong.
Yes, Jake. Something here is very wrong.
And it's about time
I found out what it is.
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
♪ He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪
♪ He's young and fast
He's the chosen one ♪
♪ People, we're not braggin' ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power ♪
♪ Dragon teeth, dragon tail,
burnin' dragon fire ♪
♪ A real live wire ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ His skills are gettin' faster ♪
♪ With Grandpa, the master ♪
♪ His destiny, what's up, G? ♪
♪ It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ I'm a dragon, I'm not braggin'
It's my destiny ♪
♪ I'm the magical protector of the NYC ♪
Ya heard?
♪ American Dragon ♪
Yeow!
You can't just pull me out
of Derceto's office like that, Gramps.
I get enough hassle from you.
I don't need any more from school.
I am sorry, Jake,
but sometimes the needs of others
must come before your own.
I have received a most distressing message
from the East River Mermaid City.
There's a Mermaid City?
Could the bedtime stories
my beloved Nana used to tell me be true?
Could there really be
such a magical place?
TRIXIE: So, now what?
We gotta go divin' in New York's
funkiest swimmin' hole?
Our transport to the Mermaid City
will arrive shortly.
They're probably stuck in "squidlock!"
(TALKS GIBBERISH)
-Nobody gets me.
-(WATER BUBBLING)
Follow me.
Oh, Nana, dreams do come true!
What? You and your Gramps
never had dreams?
(EXCLAIMS)
SPUD: (LAUGHS) It's as beautiful
as I always dreamed it would be!
Look at that. And that.
And that, and that, and that...
(GRUNTS)
Yo, Silver!
Jake. I'm delighted to see you again.
How's it going with
the "fear of water" thing?
Mmm, yeah. Not so good.
I had a bit of a relapse
last Cinco de Mayo.
(UPBEAT LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)
Top off your agua, señorita?
(SCREAMS)
But I've got a good job
in mermaid-drylander relations now.
Ooh, that's why they sent me to tell you
about our Kelpie problem.
Aww, "Kelpie." That sounds cute.
(LAUGHS) Well, you can
set it to chill, Sil.
'Cause your Kelpie problem is my
(CLICKS TONGUE) no problem.
Now, what's a Kelpie?
This is security footage of the Kelpie's
escape from our prison a year ago.
(SCREECHING)
Yeesh. Not much of a karaoke voice
on that one, huh?
As you'll see here, it's a shape shifter
of the order Vampirimorphus,
able to absorb the form and power
of any magical creature on which it feeds.
Well, many of our best mermaid detectives
have spent the past year
tracking the Kelpie down, but...
I feel you, Silver.
Not everybody can hack it like I mack it.
The AmDrag is here for you.
Actually, we called you down here
to warn you.
There's been a flurry of Kelpie attacks
around your neighborhood recently.
We think it may have found out
what you are,
and it's looking to feed
on your dragon power.
Whoa, rewind and remix.
This thing wants to eat me
so it can be me?
SILVER: He won't actually eat you.
He'll just slowly drain your essence
with his icy cold bites,
sending your soul into eternal darkness
and leaving your lifeless
husk of a body behind.
Oh. That's not much better, is it?
Well, I guess it's nice
that you get to keep your husk.
Spud? Where'd that boy go?
Uh, I don't mean to bag
on your construction,
but there's not much give
in these bubbles.
So beautiful!
SPUD: And did you know that in Mermopolis,
you can fall asleep every night
to the songs of passing dolphins?
Look, I found an mp3.
(DOLPHINS SCREECHING)
It's like music that only
my heart understands.
(IMITATING DOLPHIN SCREECHING)
(GRANDPA SPEAKING CHINESE)
Why am I hearing dolphin songs?
It is Kelpie we are after!
-We're on it, Gramps!
-(DOLPHIN CALLS STOP PLAYING)
Tch! For real, I'm getting punked here.
My folks are out of town.
We should be out all night partying,
playing video games, you know, whatever.
Why's he always gotta come on so hardcore?
What that dude needs is a hobby.
I heard that. Then he'd have no time
to be stealing away my time.
-Too bad there's nothing we can...
-(FU DOG LAUGHS)
Sorry, ladies. There's only so much
of the Fu to go around. (LAUGHS)
(PURRS SEDUCTIVELY)
Check it out.
"The World's Only
Online Magical Dating Service"?
I gotta tell ya, it's way easier
than dating was in the old days.
(FANFARE PLAYING)
-Huzzah, fine miss!
-(HORSE NEIGHS)
-(CROWD CHEERING)
-My name is Fu Dog and I...
(HORSE NEIGHS)
(SNORTS)
(WHIMPERS)
You know what? Keep her.
You just put in a little something
about yourself...
"Purebred Airedale Terrier
with vacation homes in Paris and Bermuda"?
(CHUCKLES) Look at all those
typos in my bio.
You should try typing with paws.
Anyway, then you tell them
what kinda dame you're looking for,
and palookazoom!
Instant lovey-dovey. (GIBBERS)
So, if I was to say I was, for example,
"a manly hunk of Chinese Dragon
"looking for a little spicy chow mein
to noodle around with..."
Why would you... Oh, kid.
Hold on. I don't know if Gramps wants to
get back into the swinging singles scene.
Hey, I'm just doing what he told me.
Taking care of other people's needs.
(COMPUTER CHIMES)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
GRANDPA: Jake,
aren't you going to answer that?
You know I'd love to, Gramps,
but I gotta study up on that Kelpie.
(SPEAKS CHINESE) Yes?
Well? You gonna give me
some flowers or what?
Uh, excuse me?
I gotta show up
on your doorstep for a date,
I expect at least some posies
for my troubles.
-Date?
-Eh, forget it.
(BLOWS NOSE, BELCHES)
I can see you got no class.
That was certainly strange.
-(DOORBELL RINGS)
-(SNICKERS)
Hi there. I like long walks
in the full moonlight and...
(GROWLS)
Um, hi. So meet to great you.
Oh, I mean...
Great, Sandy! You've ruined it again!
Yes, I know I'm a shark woman,
but I love, and I feel,
and I'd really like
to try to make this work.
Jake!
Whack old man, no sense of humor.
Just trying to help a lonely, cranky,
no-girlfriend-having brother out!
-(DISTANT SCREECHING)
-What the...
Dragon up!
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
-(SCREAMS)
-Easy, little guy. What's going on?
It attacked us out of nowhere.
Please, save us.
From what? What's out there?
(STAMMERING) Kelpie!
Ha! Yo, Kelpie!
You wanna throw down the harsh?
Bring it to the AmDrag, chump.
(GROWLS)
So that's how we play it, huh?
All right, then.
When you wanna bring it, I'll be waiting.
KELPIE: Soon, yes. Very soon.
I build my power,
find a way to strike from the inside.
(GRANDPA AND WOMAN LAUGHING)
What the...
Gramps and...
(GASPS) He found himself a lady.
Hey, Gramps. Who's the lucky...
Principal Derceto?
Ah, Jake.
We thought you had fallen asleep.
How did the website...
And you... And her... Oh, huh?
I came here to talk with your parents.
I know you said they were out of town,
but to be honest,
I figured you were lying. Sorry.
No need to apologize.
Jake often has problems with dishonesty,
not to mention discipline, focus...
BOTH: Study habits. (LAUGHING)
Perhaps you would like to discuss
Jake's issues with me instead,
-uh, say, over dinner?
-(GIGGLES) Oh!
Well, it's a date.
No!
-(VIDEOGAME PLAYING)
-Jake!
Dolores tells me
you failed another math quiz.
Jake, does your grandfather prefer
easy listening or smooth jazz?
Jake, go rent us a romantic movie
while we discuss your many problems.
Jake, I believe your grandfather
sent something with you?
(SIGHS) Yes, ma'am.
"Till next we meet,
a rose to remind you..."
Oh...
"You are my sweet."
(LAUGHTER)
All right, so it didn't work out
exactly like we thought.
You mind keeping it down, kids?
I found me a cute French poodle
named La Betty 42,
and ooh-la-la, any woman
who can make me L-O-L on my PC 24/7
is A-OK with M-E.
(DISTANT SCREECHING)
(HORSE NEIGHING)
Let me check it out.
Hello? Somebody out here?
-(GALLOPING)
-Whoa!
-Whoa, girl!
-(WHINNIES)
-(SNORTS)
-What's gotten into you?
Kelpie bite.
Come on, now. You're okay.
Looks like you got away
before he finished feeding.
-Let's just get you somewhere safe and...
-(SCREECHING)
(NEIGHING)
(METAL SQUEAKING)
Principal Derceto?
Oh. Jake. I didn't know you were...
I didn't mean to scare you.
I think my chair rusted up a little.
What are you doing back here?
Uh, we just got back.
I came to say good night.
What are you doing back here?
I... I was just...
(GASPS) Is that seaweed on your chair?
Oh, yes, we, uh, went to the beach.
GRANDPA: Oh, cherry blossom!
I am still waiting for my goodnight hug.
Or are you interested
in a lip-lock upgrade?
SPUD: Yuck!
TRIXIE: Hey, yo, Gramps.
We're still standing here.
I'll see you in school on Monday.
Yeah.
Derceto?
It all fits, Trix.
The screeching, the seaweed,
how she keeps turning up
right after the Kelpie attacks,
how she's always over at my place,
getting all close to Gramps and me.
(TRIXIE SCOFFS)
Yeah, getting close enough
to sneak a bite of dragon
the second we let our guard down.
Okay, maybe.
But why are we here
busting into her office
at dag-nasty-o'clock in the morning
instead of telling your Gramps
what you think is going on?
You think lover-boy Gramps
is gonna listen to anything I say
without some kind of proof?
All right, but I just got
one more question.
Who told Spud he could bring the fish?
Why won't you tell me your secrets?
In my heart, I'm already one of you.
Glub, glub?
Glub, glub. Glub, glub.
Glub, glub, glub, glub, glub,
glub, glub, glub. Glub?
JAKE: Fish tanks,
blue walls, ocean murals...
She's definitely got
an underwater theme going on.
Ooh, and check it.
Broken cuffs and chains.
Pretty rusted.
Lots of old sea junk on them.
(SMACKS LIPS) East River.
Vintage last year.
Looks like somebody wanted
to keep a souvenir of her breakout.
-(WHEELCHAIR SQUEAKING)
-Go!
Don't say maybe.
Say "yes" to Grandpa, baby.
(SINGS IN CHINESE)
Cut the mic, G. This is serious.
Your girlfriend's a Kelpie.
I'm sorry, I know what it's like to
find out your lady is your mortal enemy,
but this proves it.
A rusted old chain proves only that
you are bound to your own biases.
I know you must have issues
with my dating your principal,
but I think I would know
if the administrator of my heart
was a Kelpie.
If you discover any real leads
to the Kelpie's whereabouts,
I shall be burning a mix CD for tonight.
♪ I love you, you love me
Let's go eat some snow peas, baby ♪
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
The things love will do to a man.
FU DOG: Alas, La Betty 42,
my yacht is in the shop right now.
Uh, no, you can't come over to the mansion
'cause there was a terrible caviar spill
in the pool house,
and we're right in the middle
of gold-plating the bars on the menagerie.
(NERVOUS GIBBERING)
Looks like it's up to us.
-Mmm-hmm.
-Yeah!
Uh, to do what, exactly?
To catch Derceto.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Princey D, what's up?
This is definitely a surprise.
Yeah, I just wanted to apologize for
giving you and my gramps such a hard time.
So, you know,
if you wanna come outside and talk.
It's a little cold outside.
Why don't you come in here?
All right, let's cut the frontin'.
Where did you get that?
Yeah, I know what you are,
and what you're trying to do.
All right. This doesn't have to get ugly.
Let's just talk about it like... (GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS) Trix, Spud, drop it!
(GRUNTS)
JAKE: Dragon up!
No more running away, Kelpie.
Gotcha. And the catch of the day
is fresh, ugly Kelpie!
(STRAINING) What are you talking about?
You're the Kelpie.
-Say what?
-You can't run forever.
I'm not the only mermaid who's after you.
Mermaid?
(STRAINING)
Aw, man!
I was one of the mermaid detectives
sent out to find the escaped Kelpie.
I thought it might be you.
The way I kept finding you
every place the beast attacked,
the "changes" you said you'd gone through
in the past year...
Well, I thought the real Jake Long
had been eaten and replaced.
It's the perfect cover, really.
But what about those chains we found
when we broke into your office?
(HUFFS) Evidence I picked up on the...
You broke into my office?
I thought you were trying
to eat me and Gramps.
But if you're not...
I mean, that means the Kelpie is still...
Gramps!
Where is she? Dolores promised
she would be here by now.
Hey, I hear ya.
Lies can totally ruin a relationship.
Take it from me,
a Nobel Peace Prize-winning dog
who just wants the paparazzi
to leave him alone.
Ain't that right, La Betty 42?
Go fetch me a drink.
Right away, babycakes.
I should call Dolores.
-(SNARLS)
-Hmm? Oh, it's you, La Betty 42.
The restroom is down the hall.
-(LINE RINGING)
-(LA BETTY 42 SNARLS, MUTTERS)
Do you mind, La Betty 42?
I am trying to... (EXCLAIMS)
(SCREECHING)
(GRUNTS)
I hope you like your tap water warm,
baby, because... (YELLS)
When I said you could slip into something
a little more comfortable,
-I didn't mean the... (GROANS)
-(KELPIE SCREECHES)
Nice, and now the feasting.
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
Yo! My Gramps is not surf-'n'-turf.
(SCREECHING)
PRINCIPAL DERCETO: Jake, no!
He's absorbed your grandfather's power.
(GRUNTS)
I told you I would find
a way inside, Dragon.
Now your power will be mine.
(SLURPS)
(YELLS)
Yo, yo, cowboy!
Check the AmDrag riding bareback, baby.
(GRUNTS)
PRINCIPAL DERCETO: Jake, look out!
-Thanks.
-Don't let the wheelchair fool you.
(SNARLING, SCREECHING)
Gotcha! Ha!
Who's your mack daddy now, tiny?
Aw, man! When did he eat a troll?
-(ROARS)
-SPUD: Back, scuzzbeast!
You mess with one mermaid,
you mess with us all.
Sorry we're late. Homey over here
made us stop to get his mermaid costume.
Mer-man, Trixie.
You gotta chill-ate with the gill-hate.
Whatever, freak.
-(SCREECHES)
-Quick! Hold me up
so I can slap that punk
with my mighty fin.
Higher. Higher!
(SCREECHING)
(GRUNTS)
Huh?
(JAKE GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
We are never going to beat him
if he keeps changing form like that.
He's countering every move we make.
Then I guess I gotta convince him
to stay put for a little while.
Check it, I got a plan.
(GRUNTING) Taste... my... mermaid... fury!
Oh, handle your business.
This is all you, player.
-(GROWLS)
-JAKE: Yo!
Scared to take me on as yourself, chump?
-Or are you as weak as you are ugly?
-(GROWLS)
Yes. A meal like dragon
deserves to be consumed with my own teeth.
I feed on young, strong dragon.
Derceto, go!
(GRUNTS)
Uh, just so you know, sweetie,
I'm gonna need some extra credit for this.
FU DOG: La Betty 42?
I'm disgusted with you.
How could you so misrepresent yourself?
When I was back in the Royal Navy
before I made my fortune in ruby mining,
we had a name for people like you!
(SIGHS) I'm sorry I misjudged you, Jake.
Me, too. And I just want you to know,
if you and Gramps wanna, you know,
get serious, I'm cool with that.
Oh. I assumed you knew...
Now that the Kelpie has been captured,
Detective Derceto must take
a new undercover assignment.
What? But that's not fair. They can't...
No, it isn't fair.
But sometimes the needs of others
must come before our own, young dragon.
And so, I guess this is...
Take me with you? Please?
-Good-bye.
-Farewell, my cherry blossom.
I can't believe it! I'm really going!
(EXCLAIMS)
(BUBBLING)
(CHUCKLES) Wait, do-over.
I breathed in a minnow.
JAKE: Can you believe this?
I totally got away with
not having Derceto talk to my parents.
And now that there's gonna be
a new principal, I get a clean slate.
Students, I have the sad duty
to inform you
that due to the disorder
caused by Ms. Derceto's sudden departure,
I will no longer be able
to serve as your teacher.
(ALL CHEERING)
Instead, I have been chosen
to be your new principal! Ta-da!
-What?
-(STUDENTS COMPLAINING)
I had to special-order the beret.
Not official principal wear,
but what do you think? Classy, no?
Aw, man!
FU DOG: Who's the crazy cop that's
a fish on bottom and all lady on top?
Derceto!
Who can run a junior high on the sly
and always gets her guy?
Derceto!
Undercover, underwater, aw, yeah!
Derceto, mermaid detective.
Ooh, call up the Magic Channel, kid.
Fu smells a new hit show.
(TALKS GIBBERISH)
Nobody gets me.
of the Earth's surface.
Does it therefore hold
two-thirds of the world's
magical creatures in its depths?
We can draw but one conclusion.
SPUD: I have a beef jerky head.
Now watch me dance the cha-cha.
(TRIXIE AND JAKE SNICKER)
(WHISPERS) That Rotwood puppet
is, for serious, messed up, Spud.
Yeah. Yo, but you got
the voice all wrong. Check this.
(IMITATES PROFESSOR ROTWOOD)
You kids want to see magical creatures?
Check out all the nasty nose trolls
and backdoor gas monsters I got in my...
I was quite the puppenspieler
back in my day, too,
-Mr. Marionette Mockery Man!
-Hey!
Shall we now see if I've still got it?
I am beef jerky Jake Long,
and I'm a real jerk-y.
(LAUGHING) I'm sorry, bro,
but you gotta admit
that was some sweet puppenspieling!
Principal's office, now!
This is your 37th trip to my office
in the year I've been here, Jake.
I see my secretary less than you.
Your grades are slipping, there's been
a huge uptick in absences and tardies...
I've read your permanent record.
You weren't always like this.
What's happened to you this past year?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) It's, uh, been,
you know, uh, lots of...
changes.
Well, it's high time you changed back.
And I'm afraid I'm going to have to talk
to your parents about how to do just that.
My parents? You can't! I...
What the heck? Fu?
Excuse me?
I was just saying, "Phew!
"What the heck took us so long
to have this talk?"
No, you said, "Fu."
There was clearly no "yuh" sound
in the middle.
Uh, I think there's a problem
I may need to...
We're not done here, Mr. Long.
Your parents need to know...
Yeah, well, I'm sure they'd love to chat,
but my parents are out of town
at some junior genius convention
for my little sister.
It's just me and Gramps
kickin' at the crib, and...
Aw, man!
I really gotta go. Sorry, Ms. D.
Ugh, now that's just wrong.
Yes, Jake. Something here is very wrong.
And it's about time
I found out what it is.
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
♪ He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪
♪ He's young and fast
He's the chosen one ♪
♪ People, we're not braggin' ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power ♪
♪ Dragon teeth, dragon tail,
burnin' dragon fire ♪
♪ A real live wire ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ His skills are gettin' faster ♪
♪ With Grandpa, the master ♪
♪ His destiny, what's up, G? ♪
♪ It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ I'm a dragon, I'm not braggin'
It's my destiny ♪
♪ I'm the magical protector of the NYC ♪
Ya heard?
♪ American Dragon ♪
Yeow!
You can't just pull me out
of Derceto's office like that, Gramps.
I get enough hassle from you.
I don't need any more from school.
I am sorry, Jake,
but sometimes the needs of others
must come before your own.
I have received a most distressing message
from the East River Mermaid City.
There's a Mermaid City?
Could the bedtime stories
my beloved Nana used to tell me be true?
Could there really be
such a magical place?
TRIXIE: So, now what?
We gotta go divin' in New York's
funkiest swimmin' hole?
Our transport to the Mermaid City
will arrive shortly.
They're probably stuck in "squidlock!"
(TALKS GIBBERISH)
-Nobody gets me.
-(WATER BUBBLING)
Follow me.
Oh, Nana, dreams do come true!
What? You and your Gramps
never had dreams?
(EXCLAIMS)
SPUD: (LAUGHS) It's as beautiful
as I always dreamed it would be!
Look at that. And that.
And that, and that, and that...
(GRUNTS)
Yo, Silver!
Jake. I'm delighted to see you again.
How's it going with
the "fear of water" thing?
Mmm, yeah. Not so good.
I had a bit of a relapse
last Cinco de Mayo.
(UPBEAT LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)
Top off your agua, señorita?
(SCREAMS)
But I've got a good job
in mermaid-drylander relations now.
Ooh, that's why they sent me to tell you
about our Kelpie problem.
Aww, "Kelpie." That sounds cute.
(LAUGHS) Well, you can
set it to chill, Sil.
'Cause your Kelpie problem is my
(CLICKS TONGUE) no problem.
Now, what's a Kelpie?
This is security footage of the Kelpie's
escape from our prison a year ago.
(SCREECHING)
Yeesh. Not much of a karaoke voice
on that one, huh?
As you'll see here, it's a shape shifter
of the order Vampirimorphus,
able to absorb the form and power
of any magical creature on which it feeds.
Well, many of our best mermaid detectives
have spent the past year
tracking the Kelpie down, but...
I feel you, Silver.
Not everybody can hack it like I mack it.
The AmDrag is here for you.
Actually, we called you down here
to warn you.
There's been a flurry of Kelpie attacks
around your neighborhood recently.
We think it may have found out
what you are,
and it's looking to feed
on your dragon power.
Whoa, rewind and remix.
This thing wants to eat me
so it can be me?
SILVER: He won't actually eat you.
He'll just slowly drain your essence
with his icy cold bites,
sending your soul into eternal darkness
and leaving your lifeless
husk of a body behind.
Oh. That's not much better, is it?
Well, I guess it's nice
that you get to keep your husk.
Spud? Where'd that boy go?
Uh, I don't mean to bag
on your construction,
but there's not much give
in these bubbles.
So beautiful!
SPUD: And did you know that in Mermopolis,
you can fall asleep every night
to the songs of passing dolphins?
Look, I found an mp3.
(DOLPHINS SCREECHING)
It's like music that only
my heart understands.
(IMITATING DOLPHIN SCREECHING)
(GRANDPA SPEAKING CHINESE)
Why am I hearing dolphin songs?
It is Kelpie we are after!
-We're on it, Gramps!
-(DOLPHIN CALLS STOP PLAYING)
Tch! For real, I'm getting punked here.
My folks are out of town.
We should be out all night partying,
playing video games, you know, whatever.
Why's he always gotta come on so hardcore?
What that dude needs is a hobby.
I heard that. Then he'd have no time
to be stealing away my time.
-Too bad there's nothing we can...
-(FU DOG LAUGHS)
Sorry, ladies. There's only so much
of the Fu to go around. (LAUGHS)
(PURRS SEDUCTIVELY)
Check it out.
"The World's Only
Online Magical Dating Service"?
I gotta tell ya, it's way easier
than dating was in the old days.
(FANFARE PLAYING)
-Huzzah, fine miss!
-(HORSE NEIGHS)
-(CROWD CHEERING)
-My name is Fu Dog and I...
(HORSE NEIGHS)
(SNORTS)
(WHIMPERS)
You know what? Keep her.
You just put in a little something
about yourself...
"Purebred Airedale Terrier
with vacation homes in Paris and Bermuda"?
(CHUCKLES) Look at all those
typos in my bio.
You should try typing with paws.
Anyway, then you tell them
what kinda dame you're looking for,
and palookazoom!
Instant lovey-dovey. (GIBBERS)
So, if I was to say I was, for example,
"a manly hunk of Chinese Dragon
"looking for a little spicy chow mein
to noodle around with..."
Why would you... Oh, kid.
Hold on. I don't know if Gramps wants to
get back into the swinging singles scene.
Hey, I'm just doing what he told me.
Taking care of other people's needs.
(COMPUTER CHIMES)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
GRANDPA: Jake,
aren't you going to answer that?
You know I'd love to, Gramps,
but I gotta study up on that Kelpie.
(SPEAKS CHINESE) Yes?
Well? You gonna give me
some flowers or what?
Uh, excuse me?
I gotta show up
on your doorstep for a date,
I expect at least some posies
for my troubles.
-Date?
-Eh, forget it.
(BLOWS NOSE, BELCHES)
I can see you got no class.
That was certainly strange.
-(DOORBELL RINGS)
-(SNICKERS)
Hi there. I like long walks
in the full moonlight and...
(GROWLS)
Um, hi. So meet to great you.
Oh, I mean...
Great, Sandy! You've ruined it again!
Yes, I know I'm a shark woman,
but I love, and I feel,
and I'd really like
to try to make this work.
Jake!
Whack old man, no sense of humor.
Just trying to help a lonely, cranky,
no-girlfriend-having brother out!
-(DISTANT SCREECHING)
-What the...
Dragon up!
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
-(SCREAMS)
-Easy, little guy. What's going on?
It attacked us out of nowhere.
Please, save us.
From what? What's out there?
(STAMMERING) Kelpie!
Ha! Yo, Kelpie!
You wanna throw down the harsh?
Bring it to the AmDrag, chump.
(GROWLS)
So that's how we play it, huh?
All right, then.
When you wanna bring it, I'll be waiting.
KELPIE: Soon, yes. Very soon.
I build my power,
find a way to strike from the inside.
(GRANDPA AND WOMAN LAUGHING)
What the...
Gramps and...
(GASPS) He found himself a lady.
Hey, Gramps. Who's the lucky...
Principal Derceto?
Ah, Jake.
We thought you had fallen asleep.
How did the website...
And you... And her... Oh, huh?
I came here to talk with your parents.
I know you said they were out of town,
but to be honest,
I figured you were lying. Sorry.
No need to apologize.
Jake often has problems with dishonesty,
not to mention discipline, focus...
BOTH: Study habits. (LAUGHING)
Perhaps you would like to discuss
Jake's issues with me instead,
-uh, say, over dinner?
-(GIGGLES) Oh!
Well, it's a date.
No!
-(VIDEOGAME PLAYING)
-Jake!
Dolores tells me
you failed another math quiz.
Jake, does your grandfather prefer
easy listening or smooth jazz?
Jake, go rent us a romantic movie
while we discuss your many problems.
Jake, I believe your grandfather
sent something with you?
(SIGHS) Yes, ma'am.
"Till next we meet,
a rose to remind you..."
Oh...
"You are my sweet."
(LAUGHTER)
All right, so it didn't work out
exactly like we thought.
You mind keeping it down, kids?
I found me a cute French poodle
named La Betty 42,
and ooh-la-la, any woman
who can make me L-O-L on my PC 24/7
is A-OK with M-E.
(DISTANT SCREECHING)
(HORSE NEIGHING)
Let me check it out.
Hello? Somebody out here?
-(GALLOPING)
-Whoa!
-Whoa, girl!
-(WHINNIES)
-(SNORTS)
-What's gotten into you?
Kelpie bite.
Come on, now. You're okay.
Looks like you got away
before he finished feeding.
-Let's just get you somewhere safe and...
-(SCREECHING)
(NEIGHING)
(METAL SQUEAKING)
Principal Derceto?
Oh. Jake. I didn't know you were...
I didn't mean to scare you.
I think my chair rusted up a little.
What are you doing back here?
Uh, we just got back.
I came to say good night.
What are you doing back here?
I... I was just...
(GASPS) Is that seaweed on your chair?
Oh, yes, we, uh, went to the beach.
GRANDPA: Oh, cherry blossom!
I am still waiting for my goodnight hug.
Or are you interested
in a lip-lock upgrade?
SPUD: Yuck!
TRIXIE: Hey, yo, Gramps.
We're still standing here.
I'll see you in school on Monday.
Yeah.
Derceto?
It all fits, Trix.
The screeching, the seaweed,
how she keeps turning up
right after the Kelpie attacks,
how she's always over at my place,
getting all close to Gramps and me.
(TRIXIE SCOFFS)
Yeah, getting close enough
to sneak a bite of dragon
the second we let our guard down.
Okay, maybe.
But why are we here
busting into her office
at dag-nasty-o'clock in the morning
instead of telling your Gramps
what you think is going on?
You think lover-boy Gramps
is gonna listen to anything I say
without some kind of proof?
All right, but I just got
one more question.
Who told Spud he could bring the fish?
Why won't you tell me your secrets?
In my heart, I'm already one of you.
Glub, glub?
Glub, glub. Glub, glub.
Glub, glub, glub, glub, glub,
glub, glub, glub. Glub?
JAKE: Fish tanks,
blue walls, ocean murals...
She's definitely got
an underwater theme going on.
Ooh, and check it.
Broken cuffs and chains.
Pretty rusted.
Lots of old sea junk on them.
(SMACKS LIPS) East River.
Vintage last year.
Looks like somebody wanted
to keep a souvenir of her breakout.
-(WHEELCHAIR SQUEAKING)
-Go!
Don't say maybe.
Say "yes" to Grandpa, baby.
(SINGS IN CHINESE)
Cut the mic, G. This is serious.
Your girlfriend's a Kelpie.
I'm sorry, I know what it's like to
find out your lady is your mortal enemy,
but this proves it.
A rusted old chain proves only that
you are bound to your own biases.
I know you must have issues
with my dating your principal,
but I think I would know
if the administrator of my heart
was a Kelpie.
If you discover any real leads
to the Kelpie's whereabouts,
I shall be burning a mix CD for tonight.
♪ I love you, you love me
Let's go eat some snow peas, baby ♪
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
The things love will do to a man.
FU DOG: Alas, La Betty 42,
my yacht is in the shop right now.
Uh, no, you can't come over to the mansion
'cause there was a terrible caviar spill
in the pool house,
and we're right in the middle
of gold-plating the bars on the menagerie.
(NERVOUS GIBBERING)
Looks like it's up to us.
-Mmm-hmm.
-Yeah!
Uh, to do what, exactly?
To catch Derceto.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Princey D, what's up?
This is definitely a surprise.
Yeah, I just wanted to apologize for
giving you and my gramps such a hard time.
So, you know,
if you wanna come outside and talk.
It's a little cold outside.
Why don't you come in here?
All right, let's cut the frontin'.
Where did you get that?
Yeah, I know what you are,
and what you're trying to do.
All right. This doesn't have to get ugly.
Let's just talk about it like... (GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS) Trix, Spud, drop it!
(GRUNTS)
JAKE: Dragon up!
No more running away, Kelpie.
Gotcha. And the catch of the day
is fresh, ugly Kelpie!
(STRAINING) What are you talking about?
You're the Kelpie.
-Say what?
-You can't run forever.
I'm not the only mermaid who's after you.
Mermaid?
(STRAINING)
Aw, man!
I was one of the mermaid detectives
sent out to find the escaped Kelpie.
I thought it might be you.
The way I kept finding you
every place the beast attacked,
the "changes" you said you'd gone through
in the past year...
Well, I thought the real Jake Long
had been eaten and replaced.
It's the perfect cover, really.
But what about those chains we found
when we broke into your office?
(HUFFS) Evidence I picked up on the...
You broke into my office?
I thought you were trying
to eat me and Gramps.
But if you're not...
I mean, that means the Kelpie is still...
Gramps!
Where is she? Dolores promised
she would be here by now.
Hey, I hear ya.
Lies can totally ruin a relationship.
Take it from me,
a Nobel Peace Prize-winning dog
who just wants the paparazzi
to leave him alone.
Ain't that right, La Betty 42?
Go fetch me a drink.
Right away, babycakes.
I should call Dolores.
-(SNARLS)
-Hmm? Oh, it's you, La Betty 42.
The restroom is down the hall.
-(LINE RINGING)
-(LA BETTY 42 SNARLS, MUTTERS)
Do you mind, La Betty 42?
I am trying to... (EXCLAIMS)
(SCREECHING)
(GRUNTS)
I hope you like your tap water warm,
baby, because... (YELLS)
When I said you could slip into something
a little more comfortable,
-I didn't mean the... (GROANS)
-(KELPIE SCREECHES)
Nice, and now the feasting.
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
Yo! My Gramps is not surf-'n'-turf.
(SCREECHING)
PRINCIPAL DERCETO: Jake, no!
He's absorbed your grandfather's power.
(GRUNTS)
I told you I would find
a way inside, Dragon.
Now your power will be mine.
(SLURPS)
(YELLS)
Yo, yo, cowboy!
Check the AmDrag riding bareback, baby.
(GRUNTS)
PRINCIPAL DERCETO: Jake, look out!
-Thanks.
-Don't let the wheelchair fool you.
(SNARLING, SCREECHING)
Gotcha! Ha!
Who's your mack daddy now, tiny?
Aw, man! When did he eat a troll?
-(ROARS)
-SPUD: Back, scuzzbeast!
You mess with one mermaid,
you mess with us all.
Sorry we're late. Homey over here
made us stop to get his mermaid costume.
Mer-man, Trixie.
You gotta chill-ate with the gill-hate.
Whatever, freak.
-(SCREECHES)
-Quick! Hold me up
so I can slap that punk
with my mighty fin.
Higher. Higher!
(SCREECHING)
(GRUNTS)
Huh?
(JAKE GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
We are never going to beat him
if he keeps changing form like that.
He's countering every move we make.
Then I guess I gotta convince him
to stay put for a little while.
Check it, I got a plan.
(GRUNTING) Taste... my... mermaid... fury!
Oh, handle your business.
This is all you, player.
-(GROWLS)
-JAKE: Yo!
Scared to take me on as yourself, chump?
-Or are you as weak as you are ugly?
-(GROWLS)
Yes. A meal like dragon
deserves to be consumed with my own teeth.
I feed on young, strong dragon.
Derceto, go!
(GRUNTS)
Uh, just so you know, sweetie,
I'm gonna need some extra credit for this.
FU DOG: La Betty 42?
I'm disgusted with you.
How could you so misrepresent yourself?
When I was back in the Royal Navy
before I made my fortune in ruby mining,
we had a name for people like you!
(SIGHS) I'm sorry I misjudged you, Jake.
Me, too. And I just want you to know,
if you and Gramps wanna, you know,
get serious, I'm cool with that.
Oh. I assumed you knew...
Now that the Kelpie has been captured,
Detective Derceto must take
a new undercover assignment.
What? But that's not fair. They can't...
No, it isn't fair.
But sometimes the needs of others
must come before our own, young dragon.
And so, I guess this is...
Take me with you? Please?
-Good-bye.
-Farewell, my cherry blossom.
I can't believe it! I'm really going!
(EXCLAIMS)
(BUBBLING)
(CHUCKLES) Wait, do-over.
I breathed in a minnow.
JAKE: Can you believe this?
I totally got away with
not having Derceto talk to my parents.
And now that there's gonna be
a new principal, I get a clean slate.
Students, I have the sad duty
to inform you
that due to the disorder
caused by Ms. Derceto's sudden departure,
I will no longer be able
to serve as your teacher.
(ALL CHEERING)
Instead, I have been chosen
to be your new principal! Ta-da!
-What?
-(STUDENTS COMPLAINING)
I had to special-order the beret.
Not official principal wear,
but what do you think? Classy, no?
Aw, man!
FU DOG: Who's the crazy cop that's
a fish on bottom and all lady on top?
Derceto!
Who can run a junior high on the sly
and always gets her guy?
Derceto!
Undercover, underwater, aw, yeah!
Derceto, mermaid detective.
Ooh, call up the Magic Channel, kid.
Fu smells a new hit show.
(TALKS GIBBERISH)
Nobody gets me.