American Dragon: Jake Long (2005–2007): Season 2, Episode 27 - Bite Father, Bite Son - full transcript
The type of Vampire that feeds on Dragon blood is in NYC. They want the American Dragon. Jake has a secret weapon but so do they! How can he defeat them at night and when he is too weak to blow fire?
Happy "Take your child
to work" day, Jakers! (CHUCKLES)
Oh, just think, father and son,
side by side,
sweating for their daily bacon.
Um, what's this?
Well, on the very first TYCW Day,
when cave man took cave boy
to hunt Brontosaurus,
he furnished him with a crude spear.
And thus, I furnish thee with a tool
thee can use
in the wilds of wealth management.
(CHUCKLES)
Go ahead, open it.
-A calculator?
-It's a compound interest calculator.
Oh, yeah! A financial planner's
weapon of mass deduction!
(CHUCKLES) A little play on...
Say, uh, you seem a little
down in the dumpy.
-What's wrong, Jake Michigan?
-Nothing, it's just...
Trixie gets to spend the day
flying jetfighters with her dad.
Whoo-hoo!
JAKE: Spud's chilling with his mom
at their restaurant.
-Five minutes to doors open, Arthur.
-No worries, Mom.
The tables are set, the candles are lit,
and the pizza time players
are disinfected.
JAKE: Even Brad's having fun.
Bradster and Dadster on the beat.
I dare any perps to perpetrate.
So you like being a lawman, eh, Brad?
Ooh! Ooh! Can I do
the "whoop-whoop" again?
-(CHUCKLES) Make her sing, son.
-(SIREN WAILING)
No offense, but compared with all that,
crunching numbers is kind of dull.
(LAUGHS) Are you kidding me?
We'll have a heck of a time!
And in this family,
when we work hard, we play hard!
That's right, first thing tomorrow
I'm taking you to build sandcastles
on Rockaway Beach.
-Oh, you always love that.
-Yeah, when I was eight.
Your Grandpa Long took me there when
I was a nipper,
I've taken you for years, and someday
you'll go there with your boy-child.
Like father, like son.
High tide's a-coming,
Jake-arooni Junior!
Better paddle your saddle
back to the old Daddle.
Aw, man!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪
♪ He's young and fast
He's the chosen one ♪
♪ People, we're not braggin' ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power ♪
♪ Dragon teeth, dragon tail,
burnin' dragon fire ♪
♪ A real live wire ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ His skills are gettin' faster ♪
♪ With Grandpa, the master ♪
♪ His destiny, what's up, G? ♪
♪ It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ I'm a dragon, I'm not braggin'
It's my destiny ♪
♪ I'm the magical protector of the NYC ♪
Ya heard?
♪ American Dragon ♪
Yeow!
MAN: Hey, New York City!
Home of Lady Liberty,
baseball players in stripey pants
and Chicago-style pizza!
If I can make it here,
I will make it everywhere!
Enough, you mule!
Do not forget
our purpose here.
Only the blood of the American Dragon...
(COUGHING) ...can sustain us.
You will excuse my brothers, Mama.
You know how much they love the NYC.
Please, guide us to the beast.
What do you see?
LILIANA: I see the dragon's true form.
He is human, masculine...
With sharp, pointy hair.
We... We find him at this address,
182 Shorn Eagle.
Drive.
Sleep well, my queen.
When you wake,
you will drink from the dragon.
(GULPING) Ah!
Time to get the old blood pumping.
Nothing like a little cardio before work
to start the ticker talking!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Dad? What are you doing?
It's called "Ju-Jazzu"!
Lethal ground-fighting moves
set to up-tempo jazz standards.
I'll show you.
Widowmaker Punch!
Monkey Steals the Peaches!
Lotus Throat Strike!
Buck-and-Wing, Buck-and-Wing.
And... Jazz Hands!
-You try it.
-Oh, someone's going to see me.
Gotta get out of sight!
We have found him, brothers.
The American Dragon.
Someday, boy, all this can be yours.
Well, this, anyway.
Nothing fancy, just a few accoutrements
to brighten up my corner of the world.
Bobble-head kitten.
Zen garden. Hula girl.
-Rude noisemaker.
-(MAKES FARTING SOUND)
Oh, Jake! Aw...
-Can you believe this guy? Wow!
-LONGJELLY: Jonathan?
Oh! It's the head cheese, Mr. Lockjelly!
You seem to have missed my memo, Jonathan,
so I'll read it to you.
"'Take your child to work' day
must not interfere
"with the daily doings of this company.
"All offspring will report
to the copy room immediately,
"where they will be put to work
collating documents."
Whoa, hold up! I've got to make copies?
If it's good enough for my daughter,
it's good enough for you.
Well, how about it, Jakers?
You, uh, willing to do your part
for the firm?
(SIGHS)
Trading paper cuts with Lockjelly Junior?
Can this day get any...
Hey! Marnie Lockjelly.
Uh, Jake. Jake Long.
So, what can I help you with?
Hmm. You could start by cutting these out.
-They're flyers for my party tonight.
-Party?
Ah, my dad's kind of a dweeb,
but he's fair.
He said if I put up with him today,
the house is mine tonight.
Ha! I think my dad's got yours beat
in the dweeb department.
Arr, matey! 'Tis I, spreadsheet beard!
-Yup, you win.
-LONGJELLY: Jonathan!
Some high-level executives from
a major cosmetics firm just walked in,
and, uh, for some reason, they're...
Well, they're asking for you.
Come on, Jake, I want you to see
the old man in action.
Around here, they call me
"King Conference,
eighth wonder of the all-purpose room."
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS)
Can I, uh, take your coats, gentlemen?
Or your... umbrellas?
No, thank you, Mr. Long.
We are quite comfortable.
Well, perhaps you'd care
for a hot beverage
from our Brouhaha 4000 Espresso machine?
What do you say?
Can I pull you boys a shot?
Actually, we were hoping to
meet with you privately, Mr. Long.
Perhaps we could step out for a bite?
Oh, well, it's a tad early for lunch,
don't you think?
Come on, Dad. A change of scenery
is always good.
Especially if the scenery's this office.
Who likes Italian?
Welcome to Familio Festevedro's,
where we'll never let you frown.
Would you signore's
like a seat on the terrazzo?
-Sure! That sounds won...
-No!
(CLEARS THROAT) My partners and I
are sensitive to the light.
We must insist on a booth indoors,
away from any windows.
Right this way, sir.
Hey, Jake. Isn't "Take your child to work"
day the funnest holiday ever?
Well, I mean, besides
the Peristalegic equinox
commonly known as "Schmingus-Dingus."
-Well...
-WOMAN: Arthur!
I have just been informed that
a very important VIP is on his way here.
-Who's that, Mom?
-Only the most important foodie
in the five boroughs,
Judge Glamis Cutler!
He writes for The Bugle.
A five-star review in "Food Court"
could triple our business!
Copy that, Mominski!
I'll be on this dude...
-(DOOR OPENS)
-...the minute he walks through that...
-door.
-Arthur, quick! Show him a table!
Ah! Ah! Welcome to
Familio Festevedro's, your lordship.
In honor of "Take your child to work" day,
I've brought my son Leonard
to help me review your establishment.
Lenny's celebrating a birthday.
Aren't you, Lenny?
If he's happy, I'm happy.
Hey, old champ, you like a pizza pie?
(GULPS)
Huh?
Well, ah, you'll excuse me, fellas,
I've got to visit the little
financial planners' room.
Yeah, me too.
Let me get this straight, kid.
These guys have carrot-red hair,
no reflection, and hate the sun?
Ooh. All right, I've got an idea who your
lunch guests are, but I could be wrong.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) I hope I am.
-(CRACKLES)
-Ugh! Nope, I'm right! They're Stragoi.
Ah! Curse my encyclopedic knowledge!
-Stragoi? Never heard of them.
-FU: Well, they're kind of like vampires,
except vampires feed on human blood,
-and Stragoi feed on... well... yours.
-(GASPS)
Their mother, Queen Liliana,
has psychic visions
that pinpoint the dragons' locations.
They travel around the world drinking
dragon blood to keep themselves alive.
When they've had their fill,
they can walk freely in the daylight.
When they're running low,
it might as well be 200 degrees
in the shade.
So this whole cosmetics company thing
is just a scam to take a bite out of me?
-DAD: Who are you talking to, Jakers?
-Wha...
Oh, just... Just Fu... Foot...
My foot doctor.
(CLEARS THROAT) So you say a topical cream
should stop the itching?
Oh! (CHUCKLES) Yipes!
Well, don't be long.
Our guests are famished.
So I heard. What am I supposed to do, Fu?
I can't dragon up around Dad.
Come on think, kid. Is there any way of
getting him away from those bloodsuckers?
I don't know, some kind of distraction?
-(ALARM BLARING)
-Huh?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
-Huh?
-(ALL APPLAUDING)
Ah... (GRUNTS)
♪ We heard it's your birthday
It's birthday time for you ♪
♪ And since it's your birthday
We'll sing a song for you, hey! ♪
-FU: Jakes! What's all that racket?
-Our distraction.
-(ALL APPLAUDING)
-(MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL LAUGHING AND CHEERING)
ALL: Ah!
Alone at last.
-Drago...
-Hurry! The dragon is getting away!
Uh, say what?
-(BEEPS)
-Yo, Fu.
They're after the American Dragon,
all right...
♪ We wish you Happy Birthday
We hope you stay awhile ♪
♪ And all that we require
Is just a little smile... ♪
...but they think it's Dad!
BOTH: Aw, man!
-(ALL APPLAUDING)
-(MUSIC PLAYING)
Dad! Watch out!
-(STRAGOIS SCREAM)
-STRAGOI 1: Sunlight!
-STRAGOI 2: Sunlight!
-(CYMBALS CRASHING)
Quickly, brothers.
Retreat!
LOCKJELLY: What do you mean,
they just left?
Well, upside is, we saved the company
a whopper of a lunch tab.
Trust me, those fellas were eyeing
the veal scaloppine.
Plus, they, uh,
rescheduled for later tonight.
Said something about meeting
just after sunset.
I guess they're still
on Transylvania time.
Finished.
That's 200.
Actually, 199. That's yours.
So... (GIGGLES)
Will I see you there tonight?
Sure. I'd love... Wait. I can't.
I got to save my dad.
Uh, I mean, I have to save
some time for my dad.
Don't you think you've done enough
father-son bonding for one day?
I've done enough for a lifetime.
The whole day, my dad's been saying,
"When you grow up, Jakeroo,
you'll be just like me."
Yeah, but what if I don't
want to be just like him?
Uh, Jake...
Plus, my name's Jake,
not Jake-o-lantern,
not Philly-cheese-Jake,
not the junior senator from
the great state of Jakansas.
Uh... Jake.
What's wrong? Dad.
Sorry, I was, I was just...
Hey, hey, that's okay, Jaker, uh...
Jacob. Heck, I, I used to think
my old man was a square, too.
I suppose dissing your dad's
a part of being a teenager.
Oh! Jeeps, look at the time.
I, I gotta vamoose.
Aw...
Hey, check it out, Lenny.
I'm a boneless chicken!
(CLUCKING)
-Check, please.
-No! Wait!
Hey, do you like parlor tricks, Leonard?
Spud the spudnificent
will now remove this tablecloth
without disturbing your dinnerware.
Heh. Simple physics, really,
objects at rest
tend to stay at rest.
And a one, and a two, and a three!
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
I hate physics.
We've seen enough.
-No, no, no, don't go!
-(DOOR CHIMES TINKLING)
Ah, look, Leonard, I'm monkey boy.
(CHITTERING)
I could just scream.
(TRIXIE EXCLAIMING)
-Trixie?
-(KNOCKING)
Honey? I'm glad you like
the flight simulator,
but it's time to let
the cadets take a turn.
Ugh. Tell 'em to keep
their jumpsuits on.
The Stragoi are expert
dragon slayers, kid.
They advise their compadres
all over the globe.
Yeah? Well, these punks
never met the Am-Drag.
Oh, yeah?
Well, tell that to the Fran-Drag,
the Can-Drag,
and the Azerbaijan-Drag.
That's why we're sending you in
with a secret weapon... Solar sand.
It's the latest in instant sunshine.
Just blow a little fire
on these beauties.
Once they've reached
the right temperature, boom!
Those pasty punks will get
the suntan of their lives.
But use caution, young dragon.
-Your father must not see your magic.
-I got it covered, G.
While I'm fighting vampires,
Dad'll be fighting the law.
Driving with a busted taillight?
(TSKS) That's a moving violation.
Well, well. Guess that
anonymous tip was solid.
(CHUCKLES) Local plates,
and an "I heart AM radio"
bumper sticker.
(SIREN BLARING)
BRAD: Pull it over, longhair.
Oh, fiddle-faddle!
-(ELEVATOR DINGS)
-(SNORING)
STRAGOI 1: Soon, my queen,
you will be restored to your former vigor,
nourished by the sweet nectar
of dragon blood.
Yeah, about that, the only nourishment
you are getting from me
is a knuckle sandwich
with a side of smack and cheese.
The dragon!
(ALL GROWLING)
(THUDS)
Wow. This is way too easy.
You know, for big-shot dragon
exterminators, your game's kinda weak.
-(GRUNTING)
-(THUMPS)
It's time to wrap this up
with my secret weapon.
Funny, that's just
what I was thinking.
Sphinx hair.
In our native tongue,
it is known as talisman-kill-dragonosa.
Available commercially
as Dragon-B-Gone.
(GROANING)
(GRUNTING)
Can you feel your power fading,
your vitality leaking out?
In seconds, you'll be helpless,
lifeless, like a fluffy, little...
-(THUDS)
-...drag-doll.
Please, Rado. May I finish him?
Please, please, please, please.
Be my guest.
(GRUNTS)
-What was that?
-A flying chande-kick.
What? He did it to me.
Jake? Jake. Who hurt you?
-Stay here, son.
-No! Dad!
Hi-ya!
Back so soon?
I suppose you think the Sphinx hair
is useless against your human form.
(CHUCKLES) A common mistake.
You... You hurt my Jake.
Nobody does that.
You named your dragon self Jake?
Don't let him tease you.
I named my fangs Lefty and Bitey.
Dad. No.
-(GRUNTS)
-(ALL GROWLING)
(ALL GROWLING)
-(ALL GRUNTING)
-(THUDDING)
-Huh?
-(KARATE GRUNTING)
-Dad?
-(KARATE GRUNTING)
Dragon, up.
Dragon, up!
(GROANS)
-(GRUNTS)
-I don't understand.
-(GRUNTING)
-Sphinx hair has no effect.
(GRUNTING)
Buck-and-Wing,
Buck-and-Wing. (GRUNTS)
Why'd you steal the peaches?
(SCREAMS)
Jazz Hands! (GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
Dad.
(GRUNTING)
(COUGHS, BLOWS)
(SNORING)
Awake, my queen.
We have delivered the American Dragon.
Let the feast begin!
(GRUNTING)
(HISSES) What?
Who... Who is this?
What do you mean, Mama?
This is the dragon.
You ninnies!
The dragon I saw was small.
Boyish, green hair.
Yo! Don't forget rock star handsome.
There he is. That is the dragon!
Get him!
Oh! Coffee's ready.
What better way
to greet the dawn?
(STRAGOIS SCREAMING)
Phew...
This elixir should restore your father
to full health.
Hey, Gramps. Shouldn't we wipe his memory
while we're at it?
No need. When he wakes,
your father will only recall
a strange meeting with
aggressive out-of-town clients.
Yeah, but, see, I said some stuff to Dad
I kind of want to erase.
I said I don't want
to be like him.
Jake, do you know why you were chosen
as the American Dragon?
It is true your dragon powers
come from your mother,
but the dragon council
considers both parents.
Your human father may be
a bit, well, odd,
but he is also courageous,
kind, and honest,
an example for you to follow.
Dad? Time to wake up.
-(MAKES FARTING SOUND)
-(LAUGHING)
Someone's been hitting
the three-bean salad.
Oh. Hey, there, Jakereno!
I mean, Jake.
(YAWNING) So, what were you
doing here tonight?
Are you kidding? I couldn't resist
seeing King Conference in action.
-(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
-One sec, Dad.
-Yo.
-Hey, Jake.
-Hi, Marnie.
-You missed my party tonight.
Yeah. About that, I...
I don't want an apology,
just a rain check.
What are you doing tomorrow?
I'm really sorry, Marnie,
but I've kind of got other plans.
Yeah, you too. Later.
Well, Dad, we better
rest up for tomorrow.
We got a big day
at Rockaway Beach.
-(CYCLE BELL RINGING)
-Incoming!
Okay, what's the damage?
Here we go, uh, "Food Court."
Familio Festevedro's gets...
two-and-a-half stars.
Oh, I knew it.
Oh, Mom, I'm sorry I let you down.
Oh, nonsense, Arthur.
Your effort was worth
all the stars in the sky.
Oh, who cares about some professional
face-stuffer and his silly column?
Ah, Mom? I think
the judge's scale is three stars.
What? Give me that!
Two-and-a-half out of three?
That's, that's like an "A-minus"!
Check it out.
"Familio Festevedro's is a treasure.
"We were truly charmed by
our high-energy waiter." That's me.
"My son Leonard was recovering
from a root canal
"and due to a high dose
of muscle relaxant,
"couldn't smile or eat solid foods.
"But when we got home,
he exclaimed...
"'Papa, this was the best
day of my life."
(HUMMING)
(WHISTLES)
Huh?
(PANTING)
Ah!
(WHIRRING)
Oh! Coffee's ready.
What better way
to greet the dawn?
FU: Oh! (LAUGHS)
Hey! How come I never get
to do the clever exit lines?
I'd be great. Watch.
Sting for your supper, Krylock?
-Now, that's what I call making a splash.
-(WATER SPLASHING)
FU: Hey, Huntsman, you just...
got sucked into a vortex.
Ah, you deep in the heart of vortexes?
Au revoir, Tex?
I got nothing.
to work" day, Jakers! (CHUCKLES)
Oh, just think, father and son,
side by side,
sweating for their daily bacon.
Um, what's this?
Well, on the very first TYCW Day,
when cave man took cave boy
to hunt Brontosaurus,
he furnished him with a crude spear.
And thus, I furnish thee with a tool
thee can use
in the wilds of wealth management.
(CHUCKLES)
Go ahead, open it.
-A calculator?
-It's a compound interest calculator.
Oh, yeah! A financial planner's
weapon of mass deduction!
(CHUCKLES) A little play on...
Say, uh, you seem a little
down in the dumpy.
-What's wrong, Jake Michigan?
-Nothing, it's just...
Trixie gets to spend the day
flying jetfighters with her dad.
Whoo-hoo!
JAKE: Spud's chilling with his mom
at their restaurant.
-Five minutes to doors open, Arthur.
-No worries, Mom.
The tables are set, the candles are lit,
and the pizza time players
are disinfected.
JAKE: Even Brad's having fun.
Bradster and Dadster on the beat.
I dare any perps to perpetrate.
So you like being a lawman, eh, Brad?
Ooh! Ooh! Can I do
the "whoop-whoop" again?
-(CHUCKLES) Make her sing, son.
-(SIREN WAILING)
No offense, but compared with all that,
crunching numbers is kind of dull.
(LAUGHS) Are you kidding me?
We'll have a heck of a time!
And in this family,
when we work hard, we play hard!
That's right, first thing tomorrow
I'm taking you to build sandcastles
on Rockaway Beach.
-Oh, you always love that.
-Yeah, when I was eight.
Your Grandpa Long took me there when
I was a nipper,
I've taken you for years, and someday
you'll go there with your boy-child.
Like father, like son.
High tide's a-coming,
Jake-arooni Junior!
Better paddle your saddle
back to the old Daddle.
Aw, man!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪
♪ He's young and fast
He's the chosen one ♪
♪ People, we're not braggin' ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power ♪
♪ Dragon teeth, dragon tail,
burnin' dragon fire ♪
♪ A real live wire ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ His skills are gettin' faster ♪
♪ With Grandpa, the master ♪
♪ His destiny, what's up, G? ♪
♪ It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ I'm a dragon, I'm not braggin'
It's my destiny ♪
♪ I'm the magical protector of the NYC ♪
Ya heard?
♪ American Dragon ♪
Yeow!
MAN: Hey, New York City!
Home of Lady Liberty,
baseball players in stripey pants
and Chicago-style pizza!
If I can make it here,
I will make it everywhere!
Enough, you mule!
Do not forget
our purpose here.
Only the blood of the American Dragon...
(COUGHING) ...can sustain us.
You will excuse my brothers, Mama.
You know how much they love the NYC.
Please, guide us to the beast.
What do you see?
LILIANA: I see the dragon's true form.
He is human, masculine...
With sharp, pointy hair.
We... We find him at this address,
182 Shorn Eagle.
Drive.
Sleep well, my queen.
When you wake,
you will drink from the dragon.
(GULPING) Ah!
Time to get the old blood pumping.
Nothing like a little cardio before work
to start the ticker talking!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Dad? What are you doing?
It's called "Ju-Jazzu"!
Lethal ground-fighting moves
set to up-tempo jazz standards.
I'll show you.
Widowmaker Punch!
Monkey Steals the Peaches!
Lotus Throat Strike!
Buck-and-Wing, Buck-and-Wing.
And... Jazz Hands!
-You try it.
-Oh, someone's going to see me.
Gotta get out of sight!
We have found him, brothers.
The American Dragon.
Someday, boy, all this can be yours.
Well, this, anyway.
Nothing fancy, just a few accoutrements
to brighten up my corner of the world.
Bobble-head kitten.
Zen garden. Hula girl.
-Rude noisemaker.
-(MAKES FARTING SOUND)
Oh, Jake! Aw...
-Can you believe this guy? Wow!
-LONGJELLY: Jonathan?
Oh! It's the head cheese, Mr. Lockjelly!
You seem to have missed my memo, Jonathan,
so I'll read it to you.
"'Take your child to work' day
must not interfere
"with the daily doings of this company.
"All offspring will report
to the copy room immediately,
"where they will be put to work
collating documents."
Whoa, hold up! I've got to make copies?
If it's good enough for my daughter,
it's good enough for you.
Well, how about it, Jakers?
You, uh, willing to do your part
for the firm?
(SIGHS)
Trading paper cuts with Lockjelly Junior?
Can this day get any...
Hey! Marnie Lockjelly.
Uh, Jake. Jake Long.
So, what can I help you with?
Hmm. You could start by cutting these out.
-They're flyers for my party tonight.
-Party?
Ah, my dad's kind of a dweeb,
but he's fair.
He said if I put up with him today,
the house is mine tonight.
Ha! I think my dad's got yours beat
in the dweeb department.
Arr, matey! 'Tis I, spreadsheet beard!
-Yup, you win.
-LONGJELLY: Jonathan!
Some high-level executives from
a major cosmetics firm just walked in,
and, uh, for some reason, they're...
Well, they're asking for you.
Come on, Jake, I want you to see
the old man in action.
Around here, they call me
"King Conference,
eighth wonder of the all-purpose room."
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS)
Can I, uh, take your coats, gentlemen?
Or your... umbrellas?
No, thank you, Mr. Long.
We are quite comfortable.
Well, perhaps you'd care
for a hot beverage
from our Brouhaha 4000 Espresso machine?
What do you say?
Can I pull you boys a shot?
Actually, we were hoping to
meet with you privately, Mr. Long.
Perhaps we could step out for a bite?
Oh, well, it's a tad early for lunch,
don't you think?
Come on, Dad. A change of scenery
is always good.
Especially if the scenery's this office.
Who likes Italian?
Welcome to Familio Festevedro's,
where we'll never let you frown.
Would you signore's
like a seat on the terrazzo?
-Sure! That sounds won...
-No!
(CLEARS THROAT) My partners and I
are sensitive to the light.
We must insist on a booth indoors,
away from any windows.
Right this way, sir.
Hey, Jake. Isn't "Take your child to work"
day the funnest holiday ever?
Well, I mean, besides
the Peristalegic equinox
commonly known as "Schmingus-Dingus."
-Well...
-WOMAN: Arthur!
I have just been informed that
a very important VIP is on his way here.
-Who's that, Mom?
-Only the most important foodie
in the five boroughs,
Judge Glamis Cutler!
He writes for The Bugle.
A five-star review in "Food Court"
could triple our business!
Copy that, Mominski!
I'll be on this dude...
-(DOOR OPENS)
-...the minute he walks through that...
-door.
-Arthur, quick! Show him a table!
Ah! Ah! Welcome to
Familio Festevedro's, your lordship.
In honor of "Take your child to work" day,
I've brought my son Leonard
to help me review your establishment.
Lenny's celebrating a birthday.
Aren't you, Lenny?
If he's happy, I'm happy.
Hey, old champ, you like a pizza pie?
(GULPS)
Huh?
Well, ah, you'll excuse me, fellas,
I've got to visit the little
financial planners' room.
Yeah, me too.
Let me get this straight, kid.
These guys have carrot-red hair,
no reflection, and hate the sun?
Ooh. All right, I've got an idea who your
lunch guests are, but I could be wrong.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) I hope I am.
-(CRACKLES)
-Ugh! Nope, I'm right! They're Stragoi.
Ah! Curse my encyclopedic knowledge!
-Stragoi? Never heard of them.
-FU: Well, they're kind of like vampires,
except vampires feed on human blood,
-and Stragoi feed on... well... yours.
-(GASPS)
Their mother, Queen Liliana,
has psychic visions
that pinpoint the dragons' locations.
They travel around the world drinking
dragon blood to keep themselves alive.
When they've had their fill,
they can walk freely in the daylight.
When they're running low,
it might as well be 200 degrees
in the shade.
So this whole cosmetics company thing
is just a scam to take a bite out of me?
-DAD: Who are you talking to, Jakers?
-Wha...
Oh, just... Just Fu... Foot...
My foot doctor.
(CLEARS THROAT) So you say a topical cream
should stop the itching?
Oh! (CHUCKLES) Yipes!
Well, don't be long.
Our guests are famished.
So I heard. What am I supposed to do, Fu?
I can't dragon up around Dad.
Come on think, kid. Is there any way of
getting him away from those bloodsuckers?
I don't know, some kind of distraction?
-(ALARM BLARING)
-Huh?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
-Huh?
-(ALL APPLAUDING)
Ah... (GRUNTS)
♪ We heard it's your birthday
It's birthday time for you ♪
♪ And since it's your birthday
We'll sing a song for you, hey! ♪
-FU: Jakes! What's all that racket?
-Our distraction.
-(ALL APPLAUDING)
-(MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL LAUGHING AND CHEERING)
ALL: Ah!
Alone at last.
-Drago...
-Hurry! The dragon is getting away!
Uh, say what?
-(BEEPS)
-Yo, Fu.
They're after the American Dragon,
all right...
♪ We wish you Happy Birthday
We hope you stay awhile ♪
♪ And all that we require
Is just a little smile... ♪
...but they think it's Dad!
BOTH: Aw, man!
-(ALL APPLAUDING)
-(MUSIC PLAYING)
Dad! Watch out!
-(STRAGOIS SCREAM)
-STRAGOI 1: Sunlight!
-STRAGOI 2: Sunlight!
-(CYMBALS CRASHING)
Quickly, brothers.
Retreat!
LOCKJELLY: What do you mean,
they just left?
Well, upside is, we saved the company
a whopper of a lunch tab.
Trust me, those fellas were eyeing
the veal scaloppine.
Plus, they, uh,
rescheduled for later tonight.
Said something about meeting
just after sunset.
I guess they're still
on Transylvania time.
Finished.
That's 200.
Actually, 199. That's yours.
So... (GIGGLES)
Will I see you there tonight?
Sure. I'd love... Wait. I can't.
I got to save my dad.
Uh, I mean, I have to save
some time for my dad.
Don't you think you've done enough
father-son bonding for one day?
I've done enough for a lifetime.
The whole day, my dad's been saying,
"When you grow up, Jakeroo,
you'll be just like me."
Yeah, but what if I don't
want to be just like him?
Uh, Jake...
Plus, my name's Jake,
not Jake-o-lantern,
not Philly-cheese-Jake,
not the junior senator from
the great state of Jakansas.
Uh... Jake.
What's wrong? Dad.
Sorry, I was, I was just...
Hey, hey, that's okay, Jaker, uh...
Jacob. Heck, I, I used to think
my old man was a square, too.
I suppose dissing your dad's
a part of being a teenager.
Oh! Jeeps, look at the time.
I, I gotta vamoose.
Aw...
Hey, check it out, Lenny.
I'm a boneless chicken!
(CLUCKING)
-Check, please.
-No! Wait!
Hey, do you like parlor tricks, Leonard?
Spud the spudnificent
will now remove this tablecloth
without disturbing your dinnerware.
Heh. Simple physics, really,
objects at rest
tend to stay at rest.
And a one, and a two, and a three!
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
I hate physics.
We've seen enough.
-No, no, no, don't go!
-(DOOR CHIMES TINKLING)
Ah, look, Leonard, I'm monkey boy.
(CHITTERING)
I could just scream.
(TRIXIE EXCLAIMING)
-Trixie?
-(KNOCKING)
Honey? I'm glad you like
the flight simulator,
but it's time to let
the cadets take a turn.
Ugh. Tell 'em to keep
their jumpsuits on.
The Stragoi are expert
dragon slayers, kid.
They advise their compadres
all over the globe.
Yeah? Well, these punks
never met the Am-Drag.
Oh, yeah?
Well, tell that to the Fran-Drag,
the Can-Drag,
and the Azerbaijan-Drag.
That's why we're sending you in
with a secret weapon... Solar sand.
It's the latest in instant sunshine.
Just blow a little fire
on these beauties.
Once they've reached
the right temperature, boom!
Those pasty punks will get
the suntan of their lives.
But use caution, young dragon.
-Your father must not see your magic.
-I got it covered, G.
While I'm fighting vampires,
Dad'll be fighting the law.
Driving with a busted taillight?
(TSKS) That's a moving violation.
Well, well. Guess that
anonymous tip was solid.
(CHUCKLES) Local plates,
and an "I heart AM radio"
bumper sticker.
(SIREN BLARING)
BRAD: Pull it over, longhair.
Oh, fiddle-faddle!
-(ELEVATOR DINGS)
-(SNORING)
STRAGOI 1: Soon, my queen,
you will be restored to your former vigor,
nourished by the sweet nectar
of dragon blood.
Yeah, about that, the only nourishment
you are getting from me
is a knuckle sandwich
with a side of smack and cheese.
The dragon!
(ALL GROWLING)
(THUDS)
Wow. This is way too easy.
You know, for big-shot dragon
exterminators, your game's kinda weak.
-(GRUNTING)
-(THUMPS)
It's time to wrap this up
with my secret weapon.
Funny, that's just
what I was thinking.
Sphinx hair.
In our native tongue,
it is known as talisman-kill-dragonosa.
Available commercially
as Dragon-B-Gone.
(GROANING)
(GRUNTING)
Can you feel your power fading,
your vitality leaking out?
In seconds, you'll be helpless,
lifeless, like a fluffy, little...
-(THUDS)
-...drag-doll.
Please, Rado. May I finish him?
Please, please, please, please.
Be my guest.
(GRUNTS)
-What was that?
-A flying chande-kick.
What? He did it to me.
Jake? Jake. Who hurt you?
-Stay here, son.
-No! Dad!
Hi-ya!
Back so soon?
I suppose you think the Sphinx hair
is useless against your human form.
(CHUCKLES) A common mistake.
You... You hurt my Jake.
Nobody does that.
You named your dragon self Jake?
Don't let him tease you.
I named my fangs Lefty and Bitey.
Dad. No.
-(GRUNTS)
-(ALL GROWLING)
(ALL GROWLING)
-(ALL GRUNTING)
-(THUDDING)
-Huh?
-(KARATE GRUNTING)
-Dad?
-(KARATE GRUNTING)
Dragon, up.
Dragon, up!
(GROANS)
-(GRUNTS)
-I don't understand.
-(GRUNTING)
-Sphinx hair has no effect.
(GRUNTING)
Buck-and-Wing,
Buck-and-Wing. (GRUNTS)
Why'd you steal the peaches?
(SCREAMS)
Jazz Hands! (GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
Dad.
(GRUNTING)
(COUGHS, BLOWS)
(SNORING)
Awake, my queen.
We have delivered the American Dragon.
Let the feast begin!
(GRUNTING)
(HISSES) What?
Who... Who is this?
What do you mean, Mama?
This is the dragon.
You ninnies!
The dragon I saw was small.
Boyish, green hair.
Yo! Don't forget rock star handsome.
There he is. That is the dragon!
Get him!
Oh! Coffee's ready.
What better way
to greet the dawn?
(STRAGOIS SCREAMING)
Phew...
This elixir should restore your father
to full health.
Hey, Gramps. Shouldn't we wipe his memory
while we're at it?
No need. When he wakes,
your father will only recall
a strange meeting with
aggressive out-of-town clients.
Yeah, but, see, I said some stuff to Dad
I kind of want to erase.
I said I don't want
to be like him.
Jake, do you know why you were chosen
as the American Dragon?
It is true your dragon powers
come from your mother,
but the dragon council
considers both parents.
Your human father may be
a bit, well, odd,
but he is also courageous,
kind, and honest,
an example for you to follow.
Dad? Time to wake up.
-(MAKES FARTING SOUND)
-(LAUGHING)
Someone's been hitting
the three-bean salad.
Oh. Hey, there, Jakereno!
I mean, Jake.
(YAWNING) So, what were you
doing here tonight?
Are you kidding? I couldn't resist
seeing King Conference in action.
-(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
-One sec, Dad.
-Yo.
-Hey, Jake.
-Hi, Marnie.
-You missed my party tonight.
Yeah. About that, I...
I don't want an apology,
just a rain check.
What are you doing tomorrow?
I'm really sorry, Marnie,
but I've kind of got other plans.
Yeah, you too. Later.
Well, Dad, we better
rest up for tomorrow.
We got a big day
at Rockaway Beach.
-(CYCLE BELL RINGING)
-Incoming!
Okay, what's the damage?
Here we go, uh, "Food Court."
Familio Festevedro's gets...
two-and-a-half stars.
Oh, I knew it.
Oh, Mom, I'm sorry I let you down.
Oh, nonsense, Arthur.
Your effort was worth
all the stars in the sky.
Oh, who cares about some professional
face-stuffer and his silly column?
Ah, Mom? I think
the judge's scale is three stars.
What? Give me that!
Two-and-a-half out of three?
That's, that's like an "A-minus"!
Check it out.
"Familio Festevedro's is a treasure.
"We were truly charmed by
our high-energy waiter." That's me.
"My son Leonard was recovering
from a root canal
"and due to a high dose
of muscle relaxant,
"couldn't smile or eat solid foods.
"But when we got home,
he exclaimed...
"'Papa, this was the best
day of my life."
(HUMMING)
(WHISTLES)
Huh?
(PANTING)
Ah!
(WHIRRING)
Oh! Coffee's ready.
What better way
to greet the dawn?
FU: Oh! (LAUGHS)
Hey! How come I never get
to do the clever exit lines?
I'd be great. Watch.
Sting for your supper, Krylock?
-Now, that's what I call making a splash.
-(WATER SPLASHING)
FU: Hey, Huntsman, you just...
got sucked into a vortex.
Ah, you deep in the heart of vortexes?
Au revoir, Tex?
I got nothing.