American Dragon: Jake Long (2005–2007): Season 2, Episode 23 - Shaggy Frog - full transcript

(BELL RINGING)

SPUD: Okay. Joke's over.

You played your little game.
Now give me my clothes.

(GRUNTING) Come on, stupid locker 896.

Open up!

I overslept, missed breakfast,

and I am in no mood
to be standing here in boxers

that got stained pink
by the powdered gelatin

I left in my pockets

for reasons I am not explaining to you!

Yo, Spud, need some help
with that gym locker?



(SPUD SCREAMING)

-(THUDS)
-SPUD: No. I got it.

Shattering shin guards!

Not the equipment locker!

Basketball! Softball!

Ahh! Discus!

Hey, when did we get a bowling...

Ow! (PAINFULLY) ...Team?

Come on. We're already late for PE.

Just let me use
a little dragon claw on this bad boy.

No!

(STRAINING) This is between me
and the locker.

JAKE: Uh! Just let me do it, Spud!

BOTH: Ahh!



(GROANS) Huh?

"The Spudical Dragon"?

Okay. So now you know my secret dream.

I hope you're happy.

I thought your dream was
to live in a chocolate house

and raise marshmallow animals.

No. That's my plan.

My dream is to be
a magical-powered hero, like you.

Aw, Spud. Come on, now.

It's not all that, being a magical hero.

Besides, you got
your own Spud thing going on.

People respect that.

I pick, uh...

Pfft! Sleepy Keith.

Hot dog! I'm gonna hit me
a game-winning home...

(SNORING)

(SIGHS) Fine. We'll take what's-his-loser,

but you are playing extreme right field.

Is this extreme enough?

STACEY: Keep going!

Mmm! Farther! Farther!

I hope the boy's got
cab fare in them gym shorts.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

♪ He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪

♪ He's young and fast
He's the chosen one ♪

♪ People, we're not braggin' ♪

♪ He's the American Dragon ♪

♪ He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power ♪

♪ Dragon teeth, dragon tail,
burnin' dragon fire ♪

♪ A real live wire ♪

♪ American Dragon ♪

♪ American Dragon ♪

♪ He's the American Dragon ♪

♪ His skills are getting faster ♪

♪ With Grandpa, the master ♪

♪ It's destiny, what's up, G? ♪

♪ It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪

♪ American Dragon ♪

♪ I'm a dragon, I'm not braggin'
It's my destiny ♪

♪ I'm the magical protector of the NYC ♪

Ya heard?

♪ American Dragon ♪

Yeow!

(GONG SOUNDING)

Yo, where is the channel 12 exposé
on this stuff?

I can't tell where the meatloaf ends
and the pudding begins.

Spud, what happened?
I didn't think you went down that hard

when you struck out the fourth time.

I didn't. This is from
Stacey grinding my face

into the infield for losing the game.

(SPUD COUGHS)

See, that should be nasty,
but it actually makes it more appetizing.

Of course, if I had magical powers,

maybe I'd have been the hero of the game
instead of the grass grubber.

Spud, it's not like magic suddenly fixes
everything for you.

I mean, I've still got to eat
the same nasty cafeteria food

as everybody else.

A little gift from the magical community.

Just our way
of saying thanks for all you do.

Ah, it's no big deal, really. I mean, I...

Check it! I'm on the cover
of Magicweek again!

Awesome... ish.

Excuse me. I'm not hungry anymore.

Maybe I'll just go eat some more dirt.

Why is he so hung up
on the Am-Drag jealousy all of a sudden?

"All of a sudden"?

Jakey, you're out there every day
saving the world,

while he's sneezing pizza rollups
out his nose

and getting his hands stuck in mittens.

I mean, he puts up a good front,
but sometimes it's got to get to him.

I guess I never thought about it
like that.

His best friend is
the biggest hero he knows.

And, you know, I do love
that boy like cooked food,

but he's got to be
the most straight-up goofed-out fool

either of us know.

What's shakin', magical chumps?

As you may have heard,
your fiercest enemy,

the Huntsclan, has been wiped out,
obliterated, finito-ed.

Except for us. That's right!
Now we are the Huntsclan,

so let all magical creatures
tremble before...

BOTH: Huntsclan sentries
number 88 and 89!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Ooh, me so terrible-fied. (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS SHEEPISHLY)

Dude, this isn't exactly
how I envisioned our comeback.

Step one is not working out.

Maybe we should start smaller.

(SLURPING)

You! Bow before your new kings,
and perhaps we will take pity on...

BOTH: (SCREAMS) You!

(BOTH GRUNT)

You know, this was a lot easier
when we had the whole Huntsclan behind us.

There has got to be some way
we can get our own street cred.

Ooh! Business cards, maybe!

I could draw us a wicked-cool logo,

like a clown
with a hockey mask and a cricket bat!

Or we can do what the Huntsclan did.

We capture our own magical creatures
to show them we mean business.

-Check this.
-What?

"Catching a lost pet magical frog
shows them all that we mean business"?

Baby steps, dude. Baby steps.

Dang! Looks like
it's worse than we thought, Jakey.

Yeah. Everybody knows
not to mess with janitor...

Oh!

(SPUD COUGHING)

There's got to be something we can do
to make him feel better.

It is too bad our homie scromie
couldn't be a hero just once.

You know, so he'd know what it feels like.

JAKE: Maybe he can.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

TRIXIE: According to the poster,

this magical swamp is where
that troll girl saw her frog hop off to.

That thing could be anywhere,
and according to Gramps,

this swamp isn't where
you want to be hanging out for too long.

Spud, you're the genius here.
Any ideas how to find it?

Not really.

I'll just take a little lie-down
in some moss

and stay out of your way.

Of course, the way things usually go,

the moss will turn out to be some kind of
swamp monster that will come to life

and swear revenge,
and you'll have to save the day again.

(GROWLING) Revenge!

Called it.

Hey, 88, I don't know
if this thing's working.

Of course not.
You got to make him come to you.

Put some sauce on that steak.

♪ Shake, shake, shake... ♪

Hold up. You hear that?

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Aren't we going to help him?

Sure, if he needs it.

(SHRIEKING)

I didn't think so.

JAKE: Huh?

Trix!

(CROAKS)

SPUD: Whoa!

(CROAKING)

Guys, I found him! He's right over here!

Thanks for the frog, dawg.

(LAUGHS) See you!

My frog! 88 and 89?

When did those chump daddies
come out of hiding?

Just like a late delivery
at the candy shop,

suckers got to show up sometime.

(SIGHS) Come on.

Hold up. Why do you get to carry the frog?

Because last time I checked,
you were screaming,

"Ew! Slimy! I'm scared of frogs,

"like I'm scared of catfish and baby noses

"and hand lotion and dolphins
and kitties and vacuums...

(FADES) "...and shoes..."

(CROAKING)

Ah, failure, my oldest friend.

My rump needs a stump.

Ah!

TRIXIE: There!

JAKE: Spud, you did it.

Well, Spudinski, look at it this way...

You did get the frog, in the end.

Ah, lair, sweet lair.

Now let's have a look-see
at our little froggie-woggie.

Um, maybe its magical ability
is making itself invisible?

JAKE: See, Spud,
you don't need to be magical to be a hero.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(GASPS) You saved furry ribbit.

You're the best American Dragon ever.

Actually, my man, Spud right here
did most of the work...

Would you like to stay for dinner?
I made a lasagna.

I really shouldn't. I... Uh...

It's okay, Trix.

I guess I just have
to learn my place in life.

That's a batter. Hey, there, batter.
Put one out of here, batter.

Can I get a batter? Any batter?

So sad to be making you lose, Brad.

Or you can just forfeit now
and avoid the whole ugly crying thing.

No way, loser! We're only down one,

and the Bradster's
gonna punch a two-run homer

like he punches anything that sasses him.

SPUD: (SHOUTING) I got it! I got it!

Whoa. Pop fly.

Why are you all
making such a big deal of this?

I'm fine.

Uh, Spud, did you not notice
you've had a few body changes?

I don't see what's so different... Fly!

BOTH: Ugh!

I was just...

Saying hello... Hello.

Aha! Here we go.

It looks like bitey-kins here
caught a case of hominis amphibulus.

Homina-what, now?

Translation, the frog's bite
turned you into a werebeast...

Half-man, half-magical creature.

Guess you got
all the powers of a human-sized frog.

What? Guys, come on.

I'm not a frog. I mean, that's...

That's just so... (LAUGHS)

(CROAKING)

(IN DEEP VOICE) I'm bulging, aren't I?

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Okay,
I'm going to give your diagnosis

a qualified "maybe."

It says here there's an antidote,
but it'll take some time to prepare.

You think you can keep
a low profile for a couple of days?

Pssh! Totally.

Ooh! Lemon drops!

Oh! (THUDS)

Ow!

88: Man... We are never
gonna get any respect.

How are we supposed
to make magical creatures run in fear

when we can't even catch a stupid, dumb,
worthless piece of magical frog?

AUTOMATED VOICE: Analyzing palm print.

Huntsclan birthmark authenticated.

-(DOOR BEEPS)
-Opening vault.

Whoa! Secret weapon stash.

Now, that could come in handy.

Magnafield generator.

Is that a hoverland troop carrier?

(GASPS) Creature-tracking mini-computer!

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Creature tracker ST-1000 online.

-What do you wish to track, master?
-(GASPS)

Evil tech rocks!

Dude, with this stuff,
we could even take on a dragon!

Tracking dragon.

-(ROARING)
-(BOTH SCREAMING)

(COMPUTER BEEPS AND TURNS OFF)

Or a magical frog.

-Yeah, a frog's good.
-AUTOMATED VOICE: Tracking frog.

88: Wait a second.
It says there's two of them.

Which one do we follow?

Let us summon the power
of our evil forefathers

to advise us which direction to take.

(DIGITAL BEEPING)

Want to just go for the one that's closer?

Works for me.

SPUD: Sure, it's a little freaky,

but this being magical thing
really is pretty cool.

And check out the way-buffed quads.

I bet I could jump over
the whole school with these babies.

Yo, Spud, I know it's exciting,
but you got to keep it chilled.

Remember our story.
The jump was adrenaline.

The green's a temporary skin condition,
and if the throat bulges out again...

Come on, Jake.
It's not like I'm out looking for trouble.

Trust me. When you're magical,
trouble has a way of finding you.

Hey, kid, heard about your moves in PE.

Ever think about joining
the basketball team?

I want you for track and field.

Swim team could sure use
a pair of legs like yours.

Oh, forget them all.

Leaping, dancing. You were born to dance!

Uh, Jake?

Low profile, dude.

Just name your demands.
You want a private whirlpool tub?

-You got it.
-I can get you out of social studies.

Come on, kid, we need you!

Leaping and dancing!

Please, form an orderly line.

There's enough of me to go around.

(CLAMORING)

Uh, not exactly what I meant.

SPUD: Whoo!

(LAUGHING)

Ahh!

-(GRUNTS)
-(BUZZER SOUNDS)

(ALL CHEERING)

Whoo!

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Hey! Hmm?

Ah!

♪ A froggy went a-courtin'
and he did ride ♪

♪ Sword and buckler by his side ♪

SPUD: (IN DEEP VOICE) ♪ A froggy
went a-courtin' and he did ride ♪

♪ Ohh ♪

(ALL CHEERING)

BOY: Hey, Spud, man!

GIRL: You're my hero!

I hope your skin gets better!

I'm a school hero!

How come you never
told me how cool this was?

Yeah, it's cool now,

but when it comes to magic,
there's always a trade-off.

-Like what?
-Okay...

What about how I could
never get together with Rose?

What good are magical powers
when you can't be with the girl you want?

Uh, I hope they don't run out of tacos.

Hmm.

Milady.

Thanks, Spud.

She knows my name!

Really not seeing
the downside here, amigo.

Shall we enjoy our own
private snacky fiesta, mamacita?

-(RINGTONE SOUNDING)
-Bark at me, Fu.

FU: Hey, kid,
the werefrog antidote's ready.

Would you please get
your slimy green friend over here, pronto?

-(SIGHS) With pleasure.
-(BEEPS)

And so the snail says, "No!

"That's just
my mucopolysaccharide slime trail!"

(ALL LAUGHING)

JAKE: Yo, Spud, we got to bounce.

Fu says the anti... The "medicine"
for your little "problem" is ready.

Oh? And what if I told you
I didn't want to take my "medicine"?

-Say what?
-Oh, I see how it is now.

You want me to take the "medicine"

because you can't stand
anybody else having a "little problem."

-Spudinski...
-No!

This "problem" is
the best thing that ever happened to me.

And if you're too jealous to handle it,

well, you can keep your "medicine"
and I'll keep my "problem."

(SOFT SOB) Oh, so brave.

-Have it your way.
-I "will"!

Does anybody have any ice?

My fingers are killing me.

STACEY: So, the green thing.

That's, like, not contagious

if we, you know, like,
kiss or anything, right?

I'm willing to find out for science, baby.

Halt, you magical... Frog?

-Ah!
-AUTOMATED VOICE: Identity confirmed.

Okay, no way this thing is working right.

He ain't a frog.
He's that chump from the swamp.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Please stop hitting me.

I thought we were friends.

But that's never wrong.

Let's get this freak to the scoop.

(GASPS) Spudy, do something!

Do something? All right.

That is what heroes do, isn't it?

Frog it up!

Oh, right.

-Get him!
-(ALL SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

Hi-yah! Yah!

Huh?

(GROANING)

Ew! My mouth was open!

I can't believe I'm actually doing this!

This is the greatest feeling of my life.

Better than 100 birthdays,
plus that time I saw that chimp throw up.

-Bring out the big ones?
-Oh, yeah.

Oh! No!

Ahh!

Ow! Hey!

Nobody said there was going to be pain.

Peekaboo, freakaboo. (LAUGHS)

Aw... (CROAKS)

STACEY: Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!
(SCREAMS) Oh, my gosh!

-Stacey?
-What, she break a nail or something?

What happened?

(PANTING) These two guys jumped us,

who knew Spud from the swamp,

and they said they were going to take him.

And then Spuds started to fight.

But then they shot
these glowing energy beams

that were so shimmery and pretty,
but actually really scary!

I was running away
and scraped pinkie leftie

against a brick wall and now she's ruined!

Mmm-hmm. Told you.

-Come on.
-Are you calling the nail ambulance?

Okay. I'll...

I'll wait here, then.

(LAUGHS)

(CRASHES)

88 AND 89: We're back!

88: Yo, magic fools!

Yo, we heard y'all missed us.

(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)

Funny guy is back!

Funny, huh? Well, laugh at this, ugly!

Feast your eyes upon
the first creature to suffer our wrath.

What, we're supposed to run in terror
'cause you caught some half-frog kid?

No, you're supposed to run in terror

because we caught
some half-frog kid with these!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Whoa!

Yeah!

Thanks for helping us
establish a mean rep, frog man.

Unfortunately, we're still
going to have to put a major hurt on you

if it's gonna stick.

So what is going to make
the biggest headlines?

"Brain-o-smash"? "Gut floater"?

Oh! This one says it turns intestines
into out-testines!

Better put the toys away, kids.

BOTH: D-d-d-dragon!

It's time for the big boys to play!

Hey, wait.

We've got all the power
of the Huntsclan now.

We don't have to be afraid anymore.

I don't know that we ever had to.
It just always felt natural.

Attack!

(BEEPS)

-Whoa!
-TRIXIE: Ahh!

Aw, man!

(DISTANT EXPLOSIONS)

(88 AND 89 LAUGHING)

This is awesome!

What is this thing?

It's some kind of energy field created by
those two bazooka thingies over there.

If you could show me the control panel,

I can probably
figure out a way to reprogram

the polarity and shut it...

Oh, right. "Magical powers."

Speaking of magical powers, you mind?

It'd be a dream come true.

(JAKE GRUNTS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Ahh!

(GRUNTS)

(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)

It jammed. 88!

Toss me another weapon!

You fetched me a stick!

I don't know. I panicked.

(STRAINING)

(GRUNTING)

Good boy!

Oh, boy.

Come on, Spudinski!

(BOTH WHIMPERING)

(PANTING) I think we're okay.

There's no way they saw us duck in here.

-Boo!
-(BOTH SCREAM)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

AUTOMATED VOICE: Frog on your left.

-Your other left.
-(BOTH GASP)

88: I knew that, you stupid machine!

Oh! How do they keep finding us?

Those two pudding-brain
monkey boys cannot be that smart.

Of course! When they found me before,
they had some kind of tracking device.

There's no way to lose them
with that thing locked

onto my magical creature keister.

Unless you stopped being
a magical creature.

The antidote.

You know,
we picked it up before we came over.

Thought you might've changed your mind
about the whole "being magical" thing.

Well... Here goes everything.

(GULPS) Mmm! Wintergreen!

(COUGHING)

AUTOMATED VOICE:
No magical frogs in this area.

What? Where did he go, then?

Whatever. Look,
just recalibrate it to find the dragon.

(BEEPING)

-JAKE: Or you can just turn around.
-(BOTH SCREAM)

(GRUNTING)

Maybe you'd like a nice game of fetch.

(88 AND 89 SCREAMING)

(YELLING INDISTINCTLY)

JAKE: Sorry you had
to give up the hero business, Spud.

It was kind of fun having
a partner for a while.

Oh, I don't know
if I've given up on the hero business.

Sure, I'm my own "Spudical" self again,
but I'm cool with that now.

No magic, no problems.

But I like to think
there's a hero moment out there

for every dude and dudette
with a heart of gold and...

BRAD: Hey, equipment dork!

Coach says to check me out a football!

-I'm allowed...
-Are you sassing the Bradster?

Hey, Brad...

Extra footballs are in locker 896.

Thanks, but there
aren't any footballs in...

BRAD: Stupid locker!

Are you sassing the Bradster?

(CRASHING) Soccer! Baseball!

Tennis! Curling?

Hey, when did we get a...

-(BOWLING BALL CRASHES)
-Ow!

You are my new hero.

Yeah, I know.

SPUD: "Spudical Dragon" theme song...
(CLEARS THROAT) Take one.

(CLEARS THROAT)

SPUD: ♪ He's got muscles
and he's got wings ♪

♪ He's the uh-uh! ♪

(SINGS OFF-KEY) ♪ Spudical dragon ♪

♪ Can you hurt him with earthquakes? ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ Can you hurt him with darkness? ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ Can you hurt him with water? ♪

Ahh! He has a secret weakness...

Cut! Cut! Cut!

-(FOOTSTEPS)
-(CLATTERING)