American Dragon: Jake Long (2005–2007): Season 2, Episode 21 - Young at Heart - full transcript

(RAPPING OFF-KEY)

Man!

Uh, Dad? You can drop me off here.
Really. Here is fine.

A whole block from your school? (SCOFFS)

Not in this downpour. No son of mine
is going to end up a wetty-netty.

I bid you adieu, my little Jake-a-roo!

-(ENGINE SPUTTERS)
-Ugh.

Wow, sounds like the old dad-taxi
is in need of a tune-up. (CHUCKLES)

(RAPPING) ♪ I'm your mickey-wicky
Woo-hoo, whoa, now! ♪

-Is that Jake's dad?
-BOY: That's embarrassing.

Heh. Not... Not really my dad.



-My manservant, Heinrich. Really.
-Ah, yes.

The old parental drop-off.

-As unpleasant as it is unavoidable.
-Mmm-hmm.

You know, if I were old enough to drive,
it wouldn't be an issue.

I fight all over the city and fight
magical creatures on a daily basis.

-I think I've earned it.
-Two more years, Jakey.

But even then, it's not like they hand out
driver's licenses to just anybody...

Whoo-hoo! Oops.

-Sorry about that, doofuses.
-Brad?

I hate to break it to you,
but you have to be 16 to drive.

I am. The Bradster was held back twice
in the third grade.

Now I'm two years stronger, smarter,
and driving-er than you losers.

Sorry you don't have cars.

Being held back rocks. Whoo-hoo!



Later, losers.

What up, Fu?

FU: Kid, some creature's going berserk
at the magical flea market.

You better get over there, pronto.

Oh, and it's raining cats and dogs.

-You may get a little wet.
-No kidding.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

♪ He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪

♪ He's young and fast
He's the chosen one ♪

♪ People, we're not braggin' ♪

♪ He's the American Dragon ♪

♪ He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power ♪

♪ Dragon teeth, dragon tail,
burnin' dragon fire ♪

♪ A real live wire ♪

♪ American Dragon ♪

♪ American Dragon ♪

♪ He's the American Dragon ♪

♪ His skills are getting faster
with Grandpa, the master ♪

♪ His destiny, what's up, G?
It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪

♪ American Dragon ♪

♪ I'm a dragon, I'm not braggin'
It's my destiny ♪

♪ American Dragon ♪

♪ I'm the magical protector of the NYC ♪

Ya heard?

♪ American Dragon ♪

Yeow!

(GONG SOUNDING)

Okay, I'm the protector
of the magical world,

but Brad's the one with car privileges?

How messed up is that?

Jake! Don't jab the juniorosity.

Fo' sho'.
Being 14 has got its privileges, too.

Oh, yeah?

Sorry, kid. Nobody under 17
sees Carnival of Carnage 3

unless accompanied by a legal guardian.

(ALL SIGH)

You know the rules, little mister.
No scampering off

to hippy-hop house parties
on a school night.

-(ALARM BUZZES)
-Huh?

Congratulations!

As our one millionth customer,
we're sending you and a guest

on an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii.

You are over 18, right? Right?

I'm telling you guys, 14 is routine.

Older is golder.

Brace yourself. This is our stop.

(YELLS)

Oh. Gotta say,
not really lovin' the magical subway stop.

-Aah!
-(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Yo, Fu. I'm not seeing much
in the way of berserking creatures.

-Are you sure that...
-(ROARING)

Nobody loot anything while we're gone.

Uh, scratch that.

FU: Kid, talk to me.
What's this thing look like?

Something like this.

An avimetris? Yuh-oh!

"Yuh-oh"? Don't say "Yuh-oh."

I hate it when you say "Yuh-oh."

Jake, be careful,
the avimetris is as old as time itself.

FU: Whatever you do,
make sure you stay away from the tent...

Okay. Why is Fu concerned about tents,
when there are tentacles after us?

Yo, Avi. I think it's about time
someone taught you some phone manners.

Dragon up!

(ROARS)

That's it, Jakey.
Hit it with yo' best... (SCREAMS)

Okay, hold up. I know you did not
just get your squid slime

all over my jazzy new top.

-(GROANS)
-That's it.

It's time for some deep-fried calamari.

-(MUMBLING)
-What is he saying?

I think he said... (MUFFLED)

Guys, I got an idea. Grab onto each other.

(YELPS)

You know what goes with seafood? Pretzels.

And don't come back.

You guys okay? Those are some
seriously messed-up tentacles.

Now we know what Fu was referring to
when he warned us about the tents.

Evil campers.

What? You have a better theory?

(YAWNS)

Jake, your grandfather's
been calling for you.

Ah, long day. Talk to him tomorrow.

Must shower. (GRUNTS)

-HALEY: Occupied.
-Haley.

Come on. I stink like dragon sweat.

I'm sorry, Jake.
But we had a very festive tea party today,

and all of my dolls have to go.

Especially Princess Fairhair. (GIGGLES)

Great. Only four more years
before I can move out

and not have to share a bathroom
with my annoying little sister.

HALEY: And her dolls.

(ALARM BUZZING)

Yeah, yeah.

Man, how long till Christmas?

'Cause these PJs are getting
a little tight.

(GASPS)

Hi-yah! Who are you,
and what have you done with my brother?

Haley, what's your deal?

Jake?

Haley? Haley.

Okay, I don't want you to freak,
but you've totally shrunk.

Uh... You might want
to take a look at yourself.

(SCREAMS)

-You've got to...
-Get to Grandpa's!

Wait. The alarm's on.

JONATHAN: Jake, Haley.
I'm pouring milk on your cereal.

Countdown to soggy city starts now.

Dad! He can't see me like this.

Don't panic. I'll distract him
while you sneak out.

Hop-to, Haley-hoo. Where's your brother?

Um, Dad? I need to talk to you.

Oh, what about, punkin?

Um... Lady things.

I... You know, I... (CHUCKLES) I don't...

(GRUNTS, CRASHES)

-Morning, all.
-Oh, good. Your mother.

Why don't you two
have a seat on the couch,

where, you can, uh, sip cocoa
and talk about your lady things.

Lady things? What lady things?

(GRUNTS)

You know what?
I'll even light a nice, crackling fire

so you can talk in front of it
like they do in those commercials.

"Jean-Pierre." You know, that one.

No fire. No fire.

(YELPS) Ow.

-Whoa!
-(THUDS)

Oh, man.

Who are you calling an old man?

Spud? Trixie?

You guys got old, too?

Way old. How old?

-Where's your home training, boy?
-(GRUNTS)

You ain't ever supposed
to ask a woman her age.

Oh, no. I'm even acting like an old lady.

And where'd I get this purse from?

ALL: We've got to get to Grandpa's.

FU: Yup. This would be why I told you
to stay clear of the avimetris' tentacles.

Tentacles? You said "tent."

I heard "tent." Did he not say "tent"?

Okay, I don't know
what either of you all talking about.

Don't worry. Hearing is the first to go.

I said, "Ah, yes!

-"This would be why..."
-I heard what you said.

But you gonna have to give me
a little more than, "I told you so."

Sheesh. You sure turned
into a crabby old lady.

Yeah. You try wakin' up in the a.m.
with your booty six inches lower

than it was in the p.m.,
and see what kinda mood you in.

All right. Here's the deal.

The avimetris has got
the ability to live forever

by feeding on other people's youth.

See, when the three of you
were in the tentacles,

-it must've just, you know...
-(ALL GASP)

Suctioned the youth right out of you.

Uh, my skin's all loose.

Hey, maybe I can
use these wrinkles for body pockets.

-Hand me some snack mix.
-Yo, wait... Wait a minute. Nuh-uh.

You... No snack mix in your old man folds.

You'll get ants, and that's just nasty.

And you!
How come you a strapping 21-year-old,

and me and Spud
look like the inside of a raisin box.

Probably 'cause it didn't
hang on to me as long as you guys.

GRANDPA: Sorry I'm late.

The line at Ling-Cho's
grocer was... (SCREAMS)

Didn't Fu warn you
to stay away from the tentacles?

-He said "tent."
-Spud, get over it.

Fu, how do we change back?

It says right here, "In order for the age
of its victims to be restored,

"the avimetris must be vanquished."

That thing attacked last night.
It could be anywhere by now.

Where are we gonna stay until you find it?

And don't say here,
because this place smells like old people.

(SNIFFS) Oh, wait. That's me.

Do not worry. I will handle your parents.

And I think I know just the place
you can go.

GNOME: Leroy? Leroy, is that you?

I thought I lost you in the trenches
during the gnome-ogre war of '52.

Um, sure. Why not?

Aww. He seems like a friendly old guy.

How about some poker?

I'll play you
for your hearing aid batteries.

Um, dude. Those are my eardrums.

But... Okay.

I cannot believe Gramps put us
in a magical old folks' home.

Uh, I don't suppose any of y'all play
"Shake your Booty Revolution"?

Is that like canasta?
'Cause I play a mean cana...

(SNORING)

(SNORING)

-Uh, should somebody...
-GNOME: Let her drool.

Her tail needs the moisture.

How 'bout you don't tell me
how to run this place,

and I don't hock one
in your friend's fruit cups tonight.

BOTH: Ugh...

Trixie Carter and Arthur Spudinski?

Lao Shi called ahead.
Your rooms are ready.

Lights out is at 6:45 p.m.

Dinner is at 4:30.
And visiting hours ended five minutes ago.

Oh, yeah, um... Okay, I'll just, uh...

You just hurry and find that monster.

Okay, Jakey?

Trixie, I'm over here. And don't worry.

I'm 21 years old now, remember?

I can totally handle things.

And next time you visit your friends,
don't park in the fire lane.

(SCOFFS) That's not my car.

I mean, do I look old enough to drive?

I'm old enough to drive!

(SMOOCHES)

Yeah.

Read 'em and weep. Full house.

Now hand over those hearing aids.

But I'm not wearing any.

Double or nothing. Aah, double or nothing!

Don't worry, Gramps.
I'm hot on the trail of the avimetris.

Uh, you weren't planning
on using your van today, right?

-No reason.
-(BEEPS)

Grandpas. Always worrying,
even when you're 21.

So, what say
we get back to the old driving test?

(STUTTERS) The curb. Mailbox.

Sorry. Still learning.

Red light!

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

-(CARS HONKING)
-I'll just go this way.

One way street. One way street!

Well, not anymore.

(HONKING)

Tell my wife I love her.

-JAKE: Perfect fit.
-(THUDS)

So, how'd I do?

Young man,
that was the most irresponsible,

pathetic show of driving
I have ever witnessed.

You would have done better
blindfolded, steering with your feet!

Okay. I'll try that when I take the test
with you again tomorrow.

And the day after that,
and the day after that...

Here's your license, kid.
Now remember our deal.

Stay out of my neighborhood.

(SCOFFS)

Come on, Spud.

Double Dutch, Dutch is double.

If you trip, then you're in trouble.

-(GRUNTS)
-(LAUGHS)

Beat you again, Leroy.

At your own game, no less.

Man, how can legs so stubby be so limber?

Yeah, yeah. Hand over your hearing aids
and your dentures.

Come on, give it.

But these are my real teeth, I swear.

-(GROANS)
-(CRASHES)

SPUD: Take your hands
out of my mouth, old man!

Help! Trixie!

What's up, party seniors?

Jakey. Did you find the avimetris, baby?

Um, not yet.
But I brought you some presents

to help you pass the time. Ha. Check it.

-Prune juice, denture cream...
-(RETCHES)

Whoopsy-Daisy overnight briefs.

Oh... No more.

Oh, no more.

Hey, I know what'll cheer you up.

My sweet new ride.

Turns out, when you're 21,

you get little plastic friends
called credit cards.

This baby only took four.
Want to go for a spin?

Uh, you do know credit cards
is just loans, right?

-You got to pay them people back.
-Oh.

I'd better get more credit cards.

Jake! Are you even hunting
for that avimetris?

'Cause I ain't getting no younger.
And Spud, well...

SPUD: (SQUEALS) Get him...

GNOME: I want those teeth!

Hey, it's older, more mature Jake
you're talking to.

I'm on this thing 24/7.

One for Carnival of Carnage 3.

That's right. Just one.

No sister, no parents. No rules.

'Cause this eagle is legal.

Welcome to your suite, sir.

As requested, a six-foot trampoline,

two "Shake your Booty" party machines,

and enough pudding to fill the bathtub.
Will that be all?

Actually, you can cancel the trampoline.

These sofas got bounce.

But if I can't hop the curb,

how am I supposed
to get this baby up on two wheels?

And you can even pay traffic tickets
with a credit card.

I'm telling you.
There's nothing bad about being 21.

I know what's bad. I missed 21
and skipped straight to 81!

Look, Gramps and Fu
are close to finding this thing.

In the meantime,
this has been a dream come true for me.

It's like everything
I've ever wanted to do, I'm doin'.

Exactly. Everything you want to do.

Where is the love for us?

Hey, I got an idea.

Before we all turn back to normal,
let's throw the biggest party, ever.

Tonight. At my new pad. What do you say?

Well, I guess a party sounds good.

I love soda. I love pizza,

love shaky, shaky
what the good lord makey.

Uh, Spud,

I think I'm stuck. Spud!

SPUD: Stay back.

I beat you at shuffleboard.
Now hand over your toupee.

I told you. This is my real hair.

My real hair!

(GRUNTING)

And if you strike me down,

I only become stronger.

Okay.

You guys work out your issues
and I'll see ya tonight.

Remember, keep the sodas flowing,

and nobody's sundaes are allowed
to be half empty.

(RINGTONE SOUNDING)

Eh, nothing that can't wait
till tomorrow. Right?

-(ROARS)
-(LINE RINGING)

Why isn't he answering?

JAKE: (ON VOICEMAIL)
Sorry you can't reach me

but please don't breach me.
Be brief after the beep.

-(BEEPS)
-He must be screenin' his calls.

What, he turns 21 and suddenly
he's too good to answer his...

(YELPS)

We need Jake.
I cannot fight this thing alone.

(GROANS)

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)

You guys made it. Awesome.

-Snack mix?
-(RETCHING)

Yo, welcome to my totally fun-draiser
for the policeman's ball.

The neighbors are complaining.

You don't clear everybody
out of here immediately,

-I'm citing you for disorderly conduct.
-Disorderly what, now?

Yo, I'm just a kid.

(CHUCKLES) Nice try.

Now break this party up
or I'm taking you down to the station.

What? What the...

You can't escape me, Leroy.

All right. That is it.
You're comin' with me.

-No, wait. I...
-(TRIXIE YELPS)

(GRUNTS)

Trixie tried to shaky, shaky.

But I think she breaky, breaky.

(YELPS)

You can't hide Leroy from me.

Uh, Jake! Save me.

Jakey, turn me back, boy.
I can't feel my anything.

You have the right to remain silent,
anything you say...

Okay. Everybody, chill. I'll fix things.

I'll just... I, uh...

(DOOR CLOSES)

(MOANING)

Man, I'm startin' to think
this growin' up stuff

ain't all it's cracked up to be.

Tell me about it.
You know, I wanted to be a sitcom actor,

but thanks to reality TV,

I'm stuck as a stinkin' messenger fairy.

Oh, yeah. You have a message.
Fu Dog says...

Wait, let me...
"Kid, get to Grandpa's shop, pronto.

"A-gu-gu-gu. Gu, gu."

Kid, it's terrible.

I was hit by the avimetris
over in the warehouse district.

-You were?
-What?

You can't see all the extra wrinkles
with the thing?

Ah, that's not the worst of it. Come here.

Gramps.

He put up a good fight,

but I don't think he had
much youth left to spare.

Gramps, I'm so sorry.
This is all my fault.

(GRUNTS) Do not burden yourself
with blame, young one.

The hands of fate often...

What am I saying?
Yes, it's your fault. (SNEEZES)

Jake, you must find
and defeat the avimetris. Otherwise...

The old man's on a bullet train
to bye-bye ville.

(ELEGANT MUSIC PLAYING)

Another scone for you, Princess Faria?

Psst.

-Haley, I need your help.
-Forget it, Jake.

I am not flossing your back scales, again.

Wait. Why are you still big?

Listen, I need you
to help me catch something.

I need your youth.

I'm so young and so defenseless.

I wonder what's around this dark corner.

Jake, if the avimetris
were anywhere around here,

it'd come after my bright-eyed,
fresh-faced,

kewpie doll cuteness hours ago.

You got a better idea?
'Cause Gramps is running out of time.

And unless
we destroy the avimetris...

(ROARING)

Back it up.

Well, look who slithered in.

You took something from my people.

And guess what? I'm taking it back.

(GROANS)

Haley!

-(GROANS)
-(YELPS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Now, I'm mad, you big squidiot.

How would you like it if someone
suctioned the youth out of you?

Suction the youth out of you.

That's it. Haley, follow my lead.

(ROARING)

JAKE: Ready to play?

(BEEPING)

Let's see how he likes
sucking some of his own youth.

Ha! Check it.

He can't handle it.

Wow, that was actually kind of fun.

-Except for the guts part.
-Yeah.

It's never felt so good to be a kid.

Now, before I relieve you of your teeth,
your hearing, and your hair...

Any last words?

Yeah. Hope you're thirsty.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, baby. We are back.

Fu Dog. What are you doing?

There's a vicious creature on the loose
and you're here playing nurse maid?

Good job, kid. Good job.

-Hey, guys. Wait up.
-Jake, dude.

You look worse than we did
when we were 80.

I took a night job stocking shelves
to pay off my credit cards.

Whoa. Look who's finally
sounding like an adult.

Yeah. The whole looking 21
thing came easy.

But the being mature enough
to handle it part?

Not so much.

Sorry for being such a jerk.

-It's all good.
-Ah, no worries.

BRAD: Coming through.

-But speaking of jerks...
-And immaturity.

Whoo-hoo! Check me out. Being old rocks.

Rocks!

Whoo-hoo... (CRASHES)

Aw, man...

Know what, guys? Being 14 rocks just fine.

(BRAD GROANS)

FU: This magical journal lets you see what
anybody will look like when they get old.

JAKE: Cool. Let's check out... Brad.

(CHUCKLES) He lost all his hair.

Well, except for the nasty hair
growing out of his ears.

FU: Kid, you shouldn't taunt
the holograms.

JAKE: Seriously. He should at least
braid it or something.

I'm telling ya, Jake, don't...

Fu, hand me the phone so I can call
the ugly police on his sorry...

Hey, let go. Fu, get me out of here.

FU: A-gu. He never learns.