American Dragon: Jake Long (2005–2007): Season 2, Episode 14 - Supernatural Tuesday - full transcript
Yo, welcome to the Jake Invitational,
where y'all get to challenge
the reigning skate champ
-of the five boroughs... Me!
-(CROWD CHEERS)
Quick shout-out to last week's challenger,
Rick Malamute.
The Rickster's just been upgraded
to stable at County General, people.
And remember, a do-rag
is not a substitute for a helmet. Okay.
JAKE: Oh, yeah.
(CROWD CHEERING)
NIGEL: (LAUGHS) Brilliant.
I'd score you a perfect ten... Out of 20.
Huh. Looks like we got a challenger.
With the lady's permission...
-(CROWD CHEERING)
-Awesome!
Uh, you squashed her lunch.
Did I?
You'll find the salad tossed...
The orange peeled...
And the personal pizza cut in fourths.
Ha! Nice tr...
...y.
Whoa, dude!
Nigel Thrall, Fillmore Middle School's
newest exchange student.
Spiffing to meet you.
"Spiffing"? Yo, maybe
they talk like that where you're from,
but you're stateside now.
Trix, let's show our friend
how we flow in the NYC.
Yeah, baby Jake, let's do this.
(RAPPING) ♪ Little lost kitten
just in from Great Britain ♪
♪ Got your tail between your legs
from the rhymes I'm spitting ♪
-(ALL CHEERING)
-Yeah, Jake!
Oh, is this what they call freestyle rap?
Oh, yes, may I contribute a verse?
Okay. Oh, dear. Let's see...
♪ Checkity check it, for goodness sake ♪
♪ Your hair's like a weed
It needs a good rake ♪
-CROWD: Ooh!
-No, he didn't.
♪ Yo, the dollar's worth less
than the pound in the UK ♪
♪ Try not to cry when
I'm pounding you, 'k? ♪
(CROWD CHEERING)
♪ You don't reach my knees
on the b-ball court ♪
♪ Why's a kid named Long
got to be so short? ♪
(ALL CHEERING)
Be honest. How'd I do?
Uh...
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
♪ He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪
♪ He's young and fast
He's the chosen one ♪
♪ People, we're not braggin' ♪
♪ He's the American dragon ♪
♪ He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power ♪
♪ Dragon teeth, dragon tail,
burnin' dragon fire ♪
♪ A real live wire ♪
♪ American dragon ♪
♪ American dragon ♪
♪ He's the American dragon ♪
♪ His skills are gettin' faster
with Grandpa, the master ♪
♪ It's destiny, what's up, G?
It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪
♪ American dragon ♪
♪ I'm a dragon, I'm not braggin'
It's my destiny ♪
♪ I'm the magical protector from the NYC ♪
Ya heard?
♪ American dragon ♪
Yeow!
(GONG SOUNDING)
I've been out-skated,
out-rapped, out-classed.
Stick a fork in me. I'm done.
Yeow! Ah!
Figure of speech.
Uh... (CHUCKLES) My bad.
Yo, we nominating school officers today.
So far, it looks like
the usual gang of jocks and jerks.
Who cares about elections?
Who cares about anything?
Oh, boy, don't tell me
you still trippin' off this morning.
So what if Nigel beat you
at all the stuff you're into.
-Just beat him at something he's into.
-Such as?
Well, from what I saw
at the snack bar a minute ago...
-(WHISPERS) Nigel likes bagels.
-So?
So bust out a giant bagel
the size of a tractor tire.
You start munching, like... (CHOMPING)
And he'll be looking at it,
all salivating.
(CLEARS THROAT)
"May I have a bite, old chap?"
And you'll be like, "No way, dude.
Get your own giant bagel."
But he can't
'cause you had it made special!
-Boo-yah!
-(GROANS)
Jakey, get over yourself, okay?
We got bigger fish to fry,
like the future of our school.
For the last time, Trix,
nobody cares about these dumb elect...
NIGEL: I'm quite new at Fillmore,
but I'd be honored
to serve as your president.
That is, if you'll have me.
You know what, guys?
I'm suddenly feeling politically active.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
(FEEDBACK OVER MIC) Hey, yo, what's up?
I'm Jake Long,
and I'm running for president.
Uh, does this mean we're
tabling the bagel idea?
JAKE: I'm telling you, Fu,
I don't have time to clean out the shop.
I've gotta meet Trixie and Spud
to plan my campaign.
Besides, since when does Gramps
even care how this place looks?
Since Boomgarden's
opened across the street.
Gramps says if we want
to stay in business,
the shop needs a facelift.
All right. Chupacabra bile?
(SNIFFS) Oh, yuck!
This stuff expired
during the Shang dynasty.
Ooh, lose it.
Oh, that's a keeper.
The Galiavera or Helmet of Truth.
-What's it do?
-Well, aside from protecting your noggin
in contact sports, the helmet lets you
hear people's truest thoughts.
Used to belong to an ogre named Maximinus.
Gladiator in ancient Rome.
Old Maxi used it
to anticipate his opponent's moves,
making him unbeatable.
Pretty soon he was
picking fights outside the arena.
Sacked about half the Roman Empire
till the dragon council
confiscated his helmet.
We've had it ever since.
So this thing reads minds?
Kid, I wouldn't do that...
What's up, fellas? Nice helmet.
Typical Jake... We're out campaigning,
he's playing dress up with the dog.
Yo, I heard that.
-Heard what?
-What you didn't say.
Let me try Spud.
(THINKING) Inhale. Exhale.
Inhale again, exhale again.
Eyes starting to dry out.
Blinking. Time to blink.
Jake for president?
That's right.
Jake's gonna be
the next president of Fillmore.
SPUD: All he's gotta do
is win a little popularity contest
against the most popular guy in school.
What? What did I say?
I didn't say anything.
Such competition is unwise, young dragon.
He who thinks only of defeating his enemy
defeats himself.
Oh, yeah? What about your enemy?
Hiya, friends. Chick Boomgarden
from Boomgarden Electronics.
Are you tired of slow repairs?
I'm Slow Shi.
I'll fix your TV just as soon as...
I feel like it. Ha!
At Boomgarden's, we fix
your gadgets the same day.
And while you wait,
enjoy fresh bass from our fish market,
indoor lawn bowling,
and Shetland pony rides
for the little squirts.
Now, giddyap!
By the time you're finished...
Boom, you're finished.
So come on to Boomgarden's.
ALL: We fix it fast!
(SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(YELLS)
So I'm thinking,
you need a platform, Jakey.
-Platform?
-Yeah, ideas on how to improve the school.
Take my textbook, for instance.
This bad mama jama weighs more than I do.
So what if we put all this stuff online?
Save a few trees,
you know, save a few spines.
STUDENT: Oh, my back.
See? Ideas, okay? Ideas.
Oh, oh, I got one.
I say we change our school fight song.
I always feel funny singing,
"Hail the conquering Spartans,"
when our goalie just scored on himself.
It's time for a little honesty.
♪ Fillmore's team is noble ♪
♪ A valiant brotherhood ♪
♪ But let's just get out there ♪
♪ We don't play sports so good ♪
What's that sound?
Just a basic two-chord progression.
-You like? You likey?
-I mean that!
(MARCHING BAND MUSIC)
You gotta be kidding me.
You think you can get votes
by giving out free stuff?
(SHOUTING AND SCREAMING)
-Free stuff?
-Awesome!
(ALL CHEERING)
NIGEL: Come on, voters.
Plenty for everyone.
Man, Nigel schooled us today.
Don't worry, bro.
He may have won the battle,
but you'll win the war.
Hey, is that a Nigel tracksuit?
Yeah. Uh, well...
-It was free.
-Off!
And the shirt.
And the girdle.
We're taking this stuff back
right now, little mister.
Jakey, just forget that boy.
Why you getting so jelly?
Hello! You got magical powers.
That's something Nigel Thrall
will never have.
Hmm.
JAKE: Yeah, well, here we are.
Nigel Thrall's campaign headquarters.
He won't mind if I let myself in.
Huh?
-Uh, Jake, what is...
-Stay back.
Dragon up!
Ha!
(GRUNTS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(PANTING)
Evening, all.
You're a wizard?
You've been using magic
to buy the election.
I prefer sorcerer,
and unless it's the dry climate,
you had a nasty case
of scales a minute ago.
-Well...
-As for buying the election,
I've done no such thing.
I only use magic to speed things up a bit.
Sounds like somebody I know.
So what are you doing here?
Are you kidding?
We've got flying horses at Belmont,
singing cats on Broadway.
New York's a magical town,
the perfect place to complete my training.
Training? You mean
you're just an apprentice?
Also sounds like somebody I know.
Trix, not helping.
My training is a formality.
Yo, I don't know
what passes for magic in frou-frou land,
but here, you gotta do more
than float a few buttons to impress.
Careful, Long.
That sounds like a challenge.
Maybe it is.
Hmm. No-spells-barred election.
May the best magic win.
BOY: All right,
two candidates, hold still.
-And cheese.
-(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
Actually, I welcome the pressure
of public office.
I quite enjoy the hot seat.
Then you'll love this.
Ahhh! Oh, my buns! Hot cross buns!
One a-penny, two a-penny, ahhh!
JAKE: Ha!
Tempest in a jar, spread the rumor far.
Jake Long doesn't bathe.
I... Uh, I think I'm gonna vote for Long.
NIGEL: Jake Long doesn't bathe.
Uh... Then again, I heard he...
Ugh. Doesn't bathe? I heard that, too.
See that green junk in his hair?
Fungus.
ALL: Ew!
Poll results are in.
Now, if the election was held today,
most of the students would be confused
'cause it's not election day.
But 80% say they'd rather have
root beer with Nigel.
For the last time, boy,
you gotta stop Nigel fixating
and start legislating.
Just take a stand
on something you care about.
It's not about that, Trix.
It's about beating Nigel.
To do that, I gotta figure out
what the voters care about.
If I can only find out
what's really going on in their minds.
Come to Lao Shi's repair-adise.
I'll work on your radio
while massage therapist
work on your deep tissue
at our relaxation station.
And remember, if I can't beat
Boomgarden's advertised price,
I'll throw in this delightful
Life's a Beach beverage coo-zy.
Cut! Sheesh. Would it kill you to smile?
You look like a mug shot.
JAKE: Ah, here it is.
So, what do you think?
You tell me.
(THINKING) I think this thing's bad news.
(THINKING) No matter where you go,
if you try to hide,
the moon will always find you.
Come on, Jake.
You don't think anyone's gonna notice
that you got a 2,000-year-old
hunk of metal on your head?
I mean, how you gonna hide that?
As you can see, no one's
got more Spartan spirit than Jake Long.
I dig you, Fillmore Middle School,
and I wanna hear what's on your mind.
(VOICES EXPRESSING BOREDOM)
Oh! Migraine!
So how about one at a time?
Let's talk...
(THINKING) Whatever.
I'm just a vote to you.
'Cause to me,
you're more than just a vote.
(THINKING) What can you do for me?
I bet you're wondering
what I can do for you.
Uh, yeah.
Tell me, what do you
want more than anything?
I guess I'd say a quality education.
(THINKING) Cutie patootie's phone number.
I think my cutie patootie campaign manager
can explain my platform over smoothies.
Give her a call, say, 7:00-ish?
I... Uh...
(THINKING)
I'm definitely voting for this guy.
(THINKING) Ugh. I hate trigonometry.
(THINKING) Lasagna rollups again?
Ugh. I'm gonna hurl.
(THINKING) Uh... Please...
What does Coach Sackerson
know about Shakespeare?
Elect Jake Long,
and I'll ban trigonometry...
Whoo-hoo!
-Outlaw lasagna rollups.
-Yeah!
And make sure
the only thing this man teaches
is zone defense!
(GIGGLES) Yay!
(CHANTING) Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake!
-(GROANS)
-NIGEL: What's this thing?
Hey, hey, put me down.
Interesting prop, Long.
It seems you're the man of the hour.
What's your secret?
Let's just say my listening tour
really paid off.
Well, enjoy your popularity
while it lasts,
'cause it won't.
I've got some magic
that will blow your doors off.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah? Like wh...
Nigel?
I'm telling you, Nigel's sweating me.
48 hours till E-day,
big speeches tomorrow.
I got this thing in the bag.
Uh, Jake,
is your gramps still redecorating?
Huh?
Gramps' shop!
Ugh!
Gramps and I were gone a half hour, tops.
When we came back,
the place looked like a twister hit it.
Chick Boomgarden will pay for this!
(YELLING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Man, I've seen this kind
of destruction before.
Oof! But never from a human.
Something tells me Chick didn't do this.
NIGEL: I've got some magic
that will blow your doors off.
But I think I know who did.
Well, I knew you were bold,
but I didn't know how bold.
You mean the tux?
I don't try to outclass you, Long,
but you make it so easy.
I mean trashing my grandpa's shop.
What are you on about?
I had no idea you had a grandfather,
much less one with a shop.
Don't lie to me.
You said you'd blow
my doors off, remember?
(CLEARS THROAT)
And now, without further delay,
here are your candidates
for Student Body President!
Nigel Thrall and...
Jake Long.
(COUGHING)
Uh... (FEEDBACK OVER MIC)
Ladies and gentlemen,
your candidates!
Where's Jake?
Well... He said something about
making that doofus-y Nigel
pay for his doofus-itiness.
You know, the usual.
Aw, man, you serious?
Okay, we gotta stall.
Hey, hey, hey, Fillmore!
What's up, people?
(SILENCE)
Okay, so let's talk issues,
stuff that affects us all.
Starting with these cinder blocks
they're calling textbooks.
Yeah. Do we really need
2,000 pages on marine biology?
There's only three things
to know about fish.
Stay away from piranha,
never put tartar sauce on sushi.
And if you gotta treat
a jellyfish sting with natural acids,
aim carefully.
The Helmet of Truth
will expose you once and for all.
Now, did you wreck my grandpa's shop?
(THINKING) I honestly did not.
But if you didn't, then who...
-(CRASHES)
-Huh?
(ROARS)
Maximinus.
(ROARING)
I think the ogre likes your helmet.
Get inside. I'll take care of him.
Dragon up!
(JAKE SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS)
And dragon down.
Nice try, Long. Now it's my turn.
Fetch a pen and paper.
No shame in taking notes.
Steak and kidney pie, make this ogre fly.
Steak... Uh...
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(LAUGHS)
Yo, I'm taking notes.
Is wipeout one word or two?
-Ahhh.
-Ahhh.
(BOTH SCREAM)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
-Gramps, we got problems.
-(THUDS)
And what's up with our school dances?
No disrespect, Principal Rotwood,
but you should not be
picking the music. Uh-uh.
I don't know about y'all,
but it is impossible to get my swerve on
to "Roll Out the Barrel."
GRANDPA: Do you know
what you've done, Jake?
Maximinus has a strong
psychic connection with that helmet.
You awakened him,
alerting him to its location.
JAKE: Okay, now, it's making sense.
I tried the helmet at your shop,
so he went there first.
He must have
trashed the place looking for it.
-What?
-When I used it here at school,
Maxi showed up to snatch it.
Look, kid, me and Gramps
will never get there in time.
If you wanna make it past third period,
you gotta join forces with that sorcerer
and double-team the big fella.
And whatever you do...
(GRUNTS)
Don't let Maximinus get the helmet!
(THINKING) Can he hear me?
Oh, man, he can hear me.
I gotta knock that helmet off.
(THINKING) Maybe this branch.
NIGEL: (THINKING) If I can
just remember that shrinking spell.
(STRAINING)
Why is he still fighting?
He's got his helmet.
He's a gladiator, Long.
They're sticklers
for the whole fight to the death thing.
JAKE: He's taking us to the roof.
♪ We know you're gonna beat us ♪
♪ We think that's pretty clear ♪
♪ But please don't run the score up ♪
♪ Our families are here ♪
(SINGS HIGHER OCTAVE)
(GRUNTING)
-Let's think, Long. How can we...
-Why whisper?
Trust me, ugly's picking up
every single thought.
Wait, that's it.
The fire alarm.
Hmm?
Nigel, the alarm. Can you move it?
Uh, I think so.
Go ahead. Alert school.
Bell, book, and candle...
Pull down the handle.
Ha! Students won't save you.
Bell, book and candle...
Pull down the handle.
(ALARM RINGING)
Get ready for a sonic boom of teen angst.
Huh?
(ALL VOICES AT ONCE)
So many voices.
Oh! Quiet!
Ahhh!
(SCREAMS)
(CONTINUES SCREAMING)
(THUDS)
So, I just want to say
I think I got a little carried away
with our competition.
If you win, I'll support you.
Likewise, mate.
Hang on. You're not bucking for a job
as my vice president, are you, Long?
-Now, that's just sad.
-What?
In your dreams.
I'm in it to win it.
-Fine.
-Fine.
Aha! The election results
have been tallied and...
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
For the first time in Fillmore history,
it appears we have a tie.
Beginning this month,
your classroom presidents will be...
Trixie Carter and Arthur Spudinski.
Two write-in candidates.
-Huh? What?
-Whoa!
(CROWD CHEERS)
GRANDPA: Trixie and Spud? But how?
I guess they won
because they had real ideas.
All Nigel and I ever did
was tear each other down.
Ah, yes. I, too, have learned
that grudges are a waste of time.
Ah, that's right, young dragon.
I've decided to end my childish feud
with Boomgarden's Electronics...
Starting tomorrow.
ANNOUNCER: Who is Lao Shi?
Let's start with what we know.
Fact: He has serious
anger management issues.
(SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Fact: He is a menace on the road.
(SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Fact: In this footage recorded
by a concerned citizen,
he can clearly be seen talking to a dog.
Lao Shi... Would you trust this man
with your appliances?
Paid for by friends of Chick Boomgarden.
where y'all get to challenge
the reigning skate champ
-of the five boroughs... Me!
-(CROWD CHEERS)
Quick shout-out to last week's challenger,
Rick Malamute.
The Rickster's just been upgraded
to stable at County General, people.
And remember, a do-rag
is not a substitute for a helmet. Okay.
JAKE: Oh, yeah.
(CROWD CHEERING)
NIGEL: (LAUGHS) Brilliant.
I'd score you a perfect ten... Out of 20.
Huh. Looks like we got a challenger.
With the lady's permission...
-(CROWD CHEERING)
-Awesome!
Uh, you squashed her lunch.
Did I?
You'll find the salad tossed...
The orange peeled...
And the personal pizza cut in fourths.
Ha! Nice tr...
...y.
Whoa, dude!
Nigel Thrall, Fillmore Middle School's
newest exchange student.
Spiffing to meet you.
"Spiffing"? Yo, maybe
they talk like that where you're from,
but you're stateside now.
Trix, let's show our friend
how we flow in the NYC.
Yeah, baby Jake, let's do this.
(RAPPING) ♪ Little lost kitten
just in from Great Britain ♪
♪ Got your tail between your legs
from the rhymes I'm spitting ♪
-(ALL CHEERING)
-Yeah, Jake!
Oh, is this what they call freestyle rap?
Oh, yes, may I contribute a verse?
Okay. Oh, dear. Let's see...
♪ Checkity check it, for goodness sake ♪
♪ Your hair's like a weed
It needs a good rake ♪
-CROWD: Ooh!
-No, he didn't.
♪ Yo, the dollar's worth less
than the pound in the UK ♪
♪ Try not to cry when
I'm pounding you, 'k? ♪
(CROWD CHEERING)
♪ You don't reach my knees
on the b-ball court ♪
♪ Why's a kid named Long
got to be so short? ♪
(ALL CHEERING)
Be honest. How'd I do?
Uh...
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
♪ He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪
♪ He's young and fast
He's the chosen one ♪
♪ People, we're not braggin' ♪
♪ He's the American dragon ♪
♪ He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power ♪
♪ Dragon teeth, dragon tail,
burnin' dragon fire ♪
♪ A real live wire ♪
♪ American dragon ♪
♪ American dragon ♪
♪ He's the American dragon ♪
♪ His skills are gettin' faster
with Grandpa, the master ♪
♪ It's destiny, what's up, G?
It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪
♪ American dragon ♪
♪ I'm a dragon, I'm not braggin'
It's my destiny ♪
♪ I'm the magical protector from the NYC ♪
Ya heard?
♪ American dragon ♪
Yeow!
(GONG SOUNDING)
I've been out-skated,
out-rapped, out-classed.
Stick a fork in me. I'm done.
Yeow! Ah!
Figure of speech.
Uh... (CHUCKLES) My bad.
Yo, we nominating school officers today.
So far, it looks like
the usual gang of jocks and jerks.
Who cares about elections?
Who cares about anything?
Oh, boy, don't tell me
you still trippin' off this morning.
So what if Nigel beat you
at all the stuff you're into.
-Just beat him at something he's into.
-Such as?
Well, from what I saw
at the snack bar a minute ago...
-(WHISPERS) Nigel likes bagels.
-So?
So bust out a giant bagel
the size of a tractor tire.
You start munching, like... (CHOMPING)
And he'll be looking at it,
all salivating.
(CLEARS THROAT)
"May I have a bite, old chap?"
And you'll be like, "No way, dude.
Get your own giant bagel."
But he can't
'cause you had it made special!
-Boo-yah!
-(GROANS)
Jakey, get over yourself, okay?
We got bigger fish to fry,
like the future of our school.
For the last time, Trix,
nobody cares about these dumb elect...
NIGEL: I'm quite new at Fillmore,
but I'd be honored
to serve as your president.
That is, if you'll have me.
You know what, guys?
I'm suddenly feeling politically active.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
(FEEDBACK OVER MIC) Hey, yo, what's up?
I'm Jake Long,
and I'm running for president.
Uh, does this mean we're
tabling the bagel idea?
JAKE: I'm telling you, Fu,
I don't have time to clean out the shop.
I've gotta meet Trixie and Spud
to plan my campaign.
Besides, since when does Gramps
even care how this place looks?
Since Boomgarden's
opened across the street.
Gramps says if we want
to stay in business,
the shop needs a facelift.
All right. Chupacabra bile?
(SNIFFS) Oh, yuck!
This stuff expired
during the Shang dynasty.
Ooh, lose it.
Oh, that's a keeper.
The Galiavera or Helmet of Truth.
-What's it do?
-Well, aside from protecting your noggin
in contact sports, the helmet lets you
hear people's truest thoughts.
Used to belong to an ogre named Maximinus.
Gladiator in ancient Rome.
Old Maxi used it
to anticipate his opponent's moves,
making him unbeatable.
Pretty soon he was
picking fights outside the arena.
Sacked about half the Roman Empire
till the dragon council
confiscated his helmet.
We've had it ever since.
So this thing reads minds?
Kid, I wouldn't do that...
What's up, fellas? Nice helmet.
Typical Jake... We're out campaigning,
he's playing dress up with the dog.
Yo, I heard that.
-Heard what?
-What you didn't say.
Let me try Spud.
(THINKING) Inhale. Exhale.
Inhale again, exhale again.
Eyes starting to dry out.
Blinking. Time to blink.
Jake for president?
That's right.
Jake's gonna be
the next president of Fillmore.
SPUD: All he's gotta do
is win a little popularity contest
against the most popular guy in school.
What? What did I say?
I didn't say anything.
Such competition is unwise, young dragon.
He who thinks only of defeating his enemy
defeats himself.
Oh, yeah? What about your enemy?
Hiya, friends. Chick Boomgarden
from Boomgarden Electronics.
Are you tired of slow repairs?
I'm Slow Shi.
I'll fix your TV just as soon as...
I feel like it. Ha!
At Boomgarden's, we fix
your gadgets the same day.
And while you wait,
enjoy fresh bass from our fish market,
indoor lawn bowling,
and Shetland pony rides
for the little squirts.
Now, giddyap!
By the time you're finished...
Boom, you're finished.
So come on to Boomgarden's.
ALL: We fix it fast!
(SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(YELLS)
So I'm thinking,
you need a platform, Jakey.
-Platform?
-Yeah, ideas on how to improve the school.
Take my textbook, for instance.
This bad mama jama weighs more than I do.
So what if we put all this stuff online?
Save a few trees,
you know, save a few spines.
STUDENT: Oh, my back.
See? Ideas, okay? Ideas.
Oh, oh, I got one.
I say we change our school fight song.
I always feel funny singing,
"Hail the conquering Spartans,"
when our goalie just scored on himself.
It's time for a little honesty.
♪ Fillmore's team is noble ♪
♪ A valiant brotherhood ♪
♪ But let's just get out there ♪
♪ We don't play sports so good ♪
What's that sound?
Just a basic two-chord progression.
-You like? You likey?
-I mean that!
(MARCHING BAND MUSIC)
You gotta be kidding me.
You think you can get votes
by giving out free stuff?
(SHOUTING AND SCREAMING)
-Free stuff?
-Awesome!
(ALL CHEERING)
NIGEL: Come on, voters.
Plenty for everyone.
Man, Nigel schooled us today.
Don't worry, bro.
He may have won the battle,
but you'll win the war.
Hey, is that a Nigel tracksuit?
Yeah. Uh, well...
-It was free.
-Off!
And the shirt.
And the girdle.
We're taking this stuff back
right now, little mister.
Jakey, just forget that boy.
Why you getting so jelly?
Hello! You got magical powers.
That's something Nigel Thrall
will never have.
Hmm.
JAKE: Yeah, well, here we are.
Nigel Thrall's campaign headquarters.
He won't mind if I let myself in.
Huh?
-Uh, Jake, what is...
-Stay back.
Dragon up!
Ha!
(GRUNTS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(PANTING)
Evening, all.
You're a wizard?
You've been using magic
to buy the election.
I prefer sorcerer,
and unless it's the dry climate,
you had a nasty case
of scales a minute ago.
-Well...
-As for buying the election,
I've done no such thing.
I only use magic to speed things up a bit.
Sounds like somebody I know.
So what are you doing here?
Are you kidding?
We've got flying horses at Belmont,
singing cats on Broadway.
New York's a magical town,
the perfect place to complete my training.
Training? You mean
you're just an apprentice?
Also sounds like somebody I know.
Trix, not helping.
My training is a formality.
Yo, I don't know
what passes for magic in frou-frou land,
but here, you gotta do more
than float a few buttons to impress.
Careful, Long.
That sounds like a challenge.
Maybe it is.
Hmm. No-spells-barred election.
May the best magic win.
BOY: All right,
two candidates, hold still.
-And cheese.
-(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
Actually, I welcome the pressure
of public office.
I quite enjoy the hot seat.
Then you'll love this.
Ahhh! Oh, my buns! Hot cross buns!
One a-penny, two a-penny, ahhh!
JAKE: Ha!
Tempest in a jar, spread the rumor far.
Jake Long doesn't bathe.
I... Uh, I think I'm gonna vote for Long.
NIGEL: Jake Long doesn't bathe.
Uh... Then again, I heard he...
Ugh. Doesn't bathe? I heard that, too.
See that green junk in his hair?
Fungus.
ALL: Ew!
Poll results are in.
Now, if the election was held today,
most of the students would be confused
'cause it's not election day.
But 80% say they'd rather have
root beer with Nigel.
For the last time, boy,
you gotta stop Nigel fixating
and start legislating.
Just take a stand
on something you care about.
It's not about that, Trix.
It's about beating Nigel.
To do that, I gotta figure out
what the voters care about.
If I can only find out
what's really going on in their minds.
Come to Lao Shi's repair-adise.
I'll work on your radio
while massage therapist
work on your deep tissue
at our relaxation station.
And remember, if I can't beat
Boomgarden's advertised price,
I'll throw in this delightful
Life's a Beach beverage coo-zy.
Cut! Sheesh. Would it kill you to smile?
You look like a mug shot.
JAKE: Ah, here it is.
So, what do you think?
You tell me.
(THINKING) I think this thing's bad news.
(THINKING) No matter where you go,
if you try to hide,
the moon will always find you.
Come on, Jake.
You don't think anyone's gonna notice
that you got a 2,000-year-old
hunk of metal on your head?
I mean, how you gonna hide that?
As you can see, no one's
got more Spartan spirit than Jake Long.
I dig you, Fillmore Middle School,
and I wanna hear what's on your mind.
(VOICES EXPRESSING BOREDOM)
Oh! Migraine!
So how about one at a time?
Let's talk...
(THINKING) Whatever.
I'm just a vote to you.
'Cause to me,
you're more than just a vote.
(THINKING) What can you do for me?
I bet you're wondering
what I can do for you.
Uh, yeah.
Tell me, what do you
want more than anything?
I guess I'd say a quality education.
(THINKING) Cutie patootie's phone number.
I think my cutie patootie campaign manager
can explain my platform over smoothies.
Give her a call, say, 7:00-ish?
I... Uh...
(THINKING)
I'm definitely voting for this guy.
(THINKING) Ugh. I hate trigonometry.
(THINKING) Lasagna rollups again?
Ugh. I'm gonna hurl.
(THINKING) Uh... Please...
What does Coach Sackerson
know about Shakespeare?
Elect Jake Long,
and I'll ban trigonometry...
Whoo-hoo!
-Outlaw lasagna rollups.
-Yeah!
And make sure
the only thing this man teaches
is zone defense!
(GIGGLES) Yay!
(CHANTING) Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake!
-(GROANS)
-NIGEL: What's this thing?
Hey, hey, put me down.
Interesting prop, Long.
It seems you're the man of the hour.
What's your secret?
Let's just say my listening tour
really paid off.
Well, enjoy your popularity
while it lasts,
'cause it won't.
I've got some magic
that will blow your doors off.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah? Like wh...
Nigel?
I'm telling you, Nigel's sweating me.
48 hours till E-day,
big speeches tomorrow.
I got this thing in the bag.
Uh, Jake,
is your gramps still redecorating?
Huh?
Gramps' shop!
Ugh!
Gramps and I were gone a half hour, tops.
When we came back,
the place looked like a twister hit it.
Chick Boomgarden will pay for this!
(YELLING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Man, I've seen this kind
of destruction before.
Oof! But never from a human.
Something tells me Chick didn't do this.
NIGEL: I've got some magic
that will blow your doors off.
But I think I know who did.
Well, I knew you were bold,
but I didn't know how bold.
You mean the tux?
I don't try to outclass you, Long,
but you make it so easy.
I mean trashing my grandpa's shop.
What are you on about?
I had no idea you had a grandfather,
much less one with a shop.
Don't lie to me.
You said you'd blow
my doors off, remember?
(CLEARS THROAT)
And now, without further delay,
here are your candidates
for Student Body President!
Nigel Thrall and...
Jake Long.
(COUGHING)
Uh... (FEEDBACK OVER MIC)
Ladies and gentlemen,
your candidates!
Where's Jake?
Well... He said something about
making that doofus-y Nigel
pay for his doofus-itiness.
You know, the usual.
Aw, man, you serious?
Okay, we gotta stall.
Hey, hey, hey, Fillmore!
What's up, people?
(SILENCE)
Okay, so let's talk issues,
stuff that affects us all.
Starting with these cinder blocks
they're calling textbooks.
Yeah. Do we really need
2,000 pages on marine biology?
There's only three things
to know about fish.
Stay away from piranha,
never put tartar sauce on sushi.
And if you gotta treat
a jellyfish sting with natural acids,
aim carefully.
The Helmet of Truth
will expose you once and for all.
Now, did you wreck my grandpa's shop?
(THINKING) I honestly did not.
But if you didn't, then who...
-(CRASHES)
-Huh?
(ROARS)
Maximinus.
(ROARING)
I think the ogre likes your helmet.
Get inside. I'll take care of him.
Dragon up!
(JAKE SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS)
And dragon down.
Nice try, Long. Now it's my turn.
Fetch a pen and paper.
No shame in taking notes.
Steak and kidney pie, make this ogre fly.
Steak... Uh...
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
(LAUGHS)
Yo, I'm taking notes.
Is wipeout one word or two?
-Ahhh.
-Ahhh.
(BOTH SCREAM)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
-Gramps, we got problems.
-(THUDS)
And what's up with our school dances?
No disrespect, Principal Rotwood,
but you should not be
picking the music. Uh-uh.
I don't know about y'all,
but it is impossible to get my swerve on
to "Roll Out the Barrel."
GRANDPA: Do you know
what you've done, Jake?
Maximinus has a strong
psychic connection with that helmet.
You awakened him,
alerting him to its location.
JAKE: Okay, now, it's making sense.
I tried the helmet at your shop,
so he went there first.
He must have
trashed the place looking for it.
-What?
-When I used it here at school,
Maxi showed up to snatch it.
Look, kid, me and Gramps
will never get there in time.
If you wanna make it past third period,
you gotta join forces with that sorcerer
and double-team the big fella.
And whatever you do...
(GRUNTS)
Don't let Maximinus get the helmet!
(THINKING) Can he hear me?
Oh, man, he can hear me.
I gotta knock that helmet off.
(THINKING) Maybe this branch.
NIGEL: (THINKING) If I can
just remember that shrinking spell.
(STRAINING)
Why is he still fighting?
He's got his helmet.
He's a gladiator, Long.
They're sticklers
for the whole fight to the death thing.
JAKE: He's taking us to the roof.
♪ We know you're gonna beat us ♪
♪ We think that's pretty clear ♪
♪ But please don't run the score up ♪
♪ Our families are here ♪
(SINGS HIGHER OCTAVE)
(GRUNTING)
-Let's think, Long. How can we...
-Why whisper?
Trust me, ugly's picking up
every single thought.
Wait, that's it.
The fire alarm.
Hmm?
Nigel, the alarm. Can you move it?
Uh, I think so.
Go ahead. Alert school.
Bell, book, and candle...
Pull down the handle.
Ha! Students won't save you.
Bell, book and candle...
Pull down the handle.
(ALARM RINGING)
Get ready for a sonic boom of teen angst.
Huh?
(ALL VOICES AT ONCE)
So many voices.
Oh! Quiet!
Ahhh!
(SCREAMS)
(CONTINUES SCREAMING)
(THUDS)
So, I just want to say
I think I got a little carried away
with our competition.
If you win, I'll support you.
Likewise, mate.
Hang on. You're not bucking for a job
as my vice president, are you, Long?
-Now, that's just sad.
-What?
In your dreams.
I'm in it to win it.
-Fine.
-Fine.
Aha! The election results
have been tallied and...
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
For the first time in Fillmore history,
it appears we have a tie.
Beginning this month,
your classroom presidents will be...
Trixie Carter and Arthur Spudinski.
Two write-in candidates.
-Huh? What?
-Whoa!
(CROWD CHEERS)
GRANDPA: Trixie and Spud? But how?
I guess they won
because they had real ideas.
All Nigel and I ever did
was tear each other down.
Ah, yes. I, too, have learned
that grudges are a waste of time.
Ah, that's right, young dragon.
I've decided to end my childish feud
with Boomgarden's Electronics...
Starting tomorrow.
ANNOUNCER: Who is Lao Shi?
Let's start with what we know.
Fact: He has serious
anger management issues.
(SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Fact: He is a menace on the road.
(SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Fact: In this footage recorded
by a concerned citizen,
he can clearly be seen talking to a dog.
Lao Shi... Would you trust this man
with your appliances?
Paid for by friends of Chick Boomgarden.