American Dragon: Jake Long (2005–2007): Season 2, Episode 10 - A Befuddled Mind - full transcript
Spud ends up in genius school.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
TRIXIE: What? What in the cuckoo
are you doing?
In case you forgot, we have
a standardized test to study for.
If you must know, I, too,
am planning for my future.
Yeah, uh, how's that exactly?
My guidance counselor reviewed
my academic records.
It suggested I was most suited
to a career as a street performer.
-Behold, I'm stuck in a box.
-(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)
This box has four walls.
I can't get out.
-(FRANTICALLY) I'm starting to panic!
-Okay, mimes don't talk.
I'm just a beginner.
It takes years before you can create
a wall without talking. Years!
Your guidance counselor
would be singing a different tune
-if she knew how smart you really are.
-For real.
Why don't you actually try
on tomorrow's test for once?
No can do.
I only need to fail 57 more tests
to complete my answer bubble ode
to DaVinci's last supper.
Spud, why are you so afraid
to let anyone know you're a brainiac?
I'm holding on to a rope.
It's pulling me out of the room.
(SCREAMS)
If that boy would just show everyone
what he can do with that head of his.
Oh, and I don't mean that dancing bowtie
trick he does with his Adam's apple.
Yeah, then he wouldn't have to
roll through life as a mime.
-(MUSIC PLAYING)
-You may now kiss the bride.
(KISSING)
(BABY LAUGHING)
(BURPS)
JAKE: Tomorrow's test determines
what honors classes we can take next year,
and honors classes get you into college,
and a good college means a good job.
So, I'm going to do Spud
the biggest favor of his life.
How you gonna do that?
I'm gonna make sure
he finally gets the props he deserves
-by getting him to take the test for real.
-(GRUNTING)
(CRASHING)
Hey, Spud. My academic standings
could use a little juicing.
-Mind acing my test for me?
-I'm behind a wall.
I'm opening a door,
and I'm giving you a thumbs up.
And, begin.
Now remember, eyes forward,
number two pencils only,
and if you're in need of the restroom
facilities, too bad for you.
(BEEPING)
(GASPS) I don't believe it.
The first perfect standardized test score
in the history of
Millard Fillmore middle school.
Our own resident genius is...
Spud?
(INAUDIBLE)
I'm yelling... No!
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
♪ He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪
♪ He's young and fast
He's the chosen one ♪
♪ People, we're not bragging ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power ♪
♪ Dragon teeth, dragon tail
burnin' dragon fire ♪
♪ A real live wire ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ His skills are gettin' faster ♪
♪ With Grandpa the master ♪
♪ His destiny, what's up, G? ♪
♪ It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ I'm a dragon, I'm not braggin'
It's my destiny ♪
♪ I'm the magical protector of the NYC ♪
Ya heard?
♪ American Dragon ♪
Yeow!
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Ah! For the love of all that is superior,
German cars, German strudel,
German girdles,
and the women who wear them.
This can't be!
-Dang, it's been like a day and a half.
-(MACHINE BEEPING)
-You think he'd be over it by now.
-Yeah. It's weird.
I always thought if I showed my noggin
in all its nogginating glory,
my life would change like, shabam,
but so far it's like, totally shaboring.
-(ALL GASP)
- The name is Brainard.
Agent Brainard from
the Manhattan Genius Institute.
-(GASPS)
-I'm here for...
(GASPING) MGI.?
The elite two-week boot camp for brains?
Well, I assumed you'd want
to recruit me to teach there,
but you've come faster
than I expected. Yes.
Oh, hardball smardball. I accept.
I'm going to teach
at the Genius Institute.
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
No. I'm here for one
Arthur P. Spudinski.
What? Spudinski?
You must be mistaken. Look at him.
(CRUNCHING)
What? In my book,
a clean toe is a happy toe. Ha-ha.
Mr. Spudinski, may I have a word?
No. This is a mistake.
The machine, it malfunctioned.
I'm sure of it.
-(MACHINE WHIRRING)
-(GROANING)
Mr. Spudinski, your test score
is very impressive.
So impressive, we're offering you a place
at the Manhattan Genius Institute.
What is this now? The... The what?
The Genius Institute?
-It's a two-week program...
-(GROANS)
...designed to cultivate
the brightest minds in the tri-state area.
Wow, I'm honored, but, uh...
I've got no mullah for the schoolah.
I mean, so unless I can pay tuition
in pocket lint and pre-chewed gum,
I'll have to respectfully decline.
BRAINARD: Your tuition will be covered
by an anonymous benefactor.
Your parents have already signed
the paperwork, so it's settled.
I expect to see you tomorrow morning
at the institute.
No!
Got to tell you, Professor Rot-dude,
I'm pretty upset about it myself.
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Ooh!
-FU: Psst.
-(SPEAKING ENGLISH) Fu?
Sorry to bug you at school, kid.
We got a little dragon emergency.
The Sewage Roll alerted Gramps
that someone's stashed a powerful
magical artifact down here.
We got to find it before it ends up
in the wrong hands.
In other words, the usual.
Speaking of usual,
that's how I like my life.
Usual. Same old, same old.
But now, thanks to someone,
who shall not be named,
my existence is careening off
in a collision course with change!
Spud, don't you think you're overdoing it
just a bit?
No, Trix, I don't.
Once you get labeled
a smart lass or laddie,
life is all work and no play.
My pops taught me that
when I was but a babe.
And that, son, in a nutshell,
is trickle-down economics.
(LITTLE SPUD LAUGHS)
You're too smart to laugh at that kind of
broad, slapstick humor, mister.
(BURPS AND LAUGHS)
All I'm saying is,
I like my life just the way it is.
Yeah, tragic, kid, but if we could
get back to saving the magical world, eh?
Yo. what is that?
Uh, hard to say for sure, kid,
-but if memory serves, it's...
-(HISSING)
MAN: Not yours.
Now, step away from the box and maybe,
just maybe I'll let you all live.
Eli Pandarus. What's a lying, cheating,
evil wizard doing in a place like this?
(LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY)
You say the sweetest things.
But it will take more than flattery
to stop me from taking what's mine,
so that I can... Um, let's see,
what was that again?
Oh, yes! Take over the magical world.
Sorry, Pandarus, but the only world
you're taking over is a world of pain.
Dragon up.
Gosh, I'd love to stay and chitter chat,
but I've got big plans,
world domination and so forth,
so, I'll have to let my minions' fists
do the talking.
Time for a little minion mashing.
(ALL GRUNTING)
I'm throwing a brick.
It's having no apparent effect.
-(GROANING)
-(SCREAMS)
I'm running for my life!
(GASPS)
(GRUNTING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(COINS CLINKING)
Hey, you. Watch out for that third rail.
-(GROANING)
-'Cause it's about to get hot.
-This is what I call my blindside move.
-(GASPS)
(GRUNTING) Ha!
(SCREAMING) Whoa!
So hard to get good help these days.
-Ta-ta, dragon.
-(CRACKLING)
(GRUNTS)
Aw, man.
Pandora's Box. Locked within, is an evil,
capable of unspeakable horrors.
What does Pandarus want
with a big old box of bad?
Good question.
Only direct descendants of Pandora
are capable of controlling
the evil locked within.
Hmm... Pandora, Pandarus.
-Ha! Pandora, Pandarus.
-Spud, you think they're related?
No, actually I was thinking
those would make good names
for a brother/sister team
of crime fighting pandas,
but related? All right, I'll go with that.
Hold up. If Pandarus can control the evil,
why didn't he just open up the box
when he had the chance?
I do not know. But we must find out
before it is too late.
Yeah, well, I'd love to help you
save the magical world and all,
but I start my internment
at the Genius Institute tomorrow.
Genius Institute? You?
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
Spud? (CONTINUES LAUGHING)
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
SPUD: (IN ENGLISH) Thanks for walking me
to my first day of geniusizing.
There's no place I'd rather be right now.
Except on a date with Kyle Wilkins.
(LAUGHING) I'd sell my mama down a river
for a date with Kyle Wilkins, okay?
I mean, if fine was a crime...
Yeah, and I just wanted to say,
you'll see,
life doesn't have to be all play
and no work, or all work and no play.
See ya later.
And I'm sorry I switched the tests, yo.
We're gonna miss you.
-(KEYBOARD CLACKING)
-(CHOMPING)
Hey. I can multiply to the
16th decimal point without a calculator.
Ha! I won the National Spelling Bee
when I was seven.
So, what's your specialty?
I do an awesome mime
rendition of Road Rage.
I'm getting in my car.
Someone cuts me off.
I honk my horn and yell at them.
Honk, honk! Hey, you!
Where you going?
-(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Mimes don't talk.
-I am just a beginner!
-(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
-TEACHER: Students,
welcome to the Genius Institute.
Tomorrow we begin to test
the depths of your intelligence.
-Yeah!
-All right!
This room is filled with the world's
most extraordinary young minds.
Take each face in and ask yourself,
"Who amongst us is the one,
"the smartest of them all?"
-Yes, you have a question.
-Huh? No, I'm flying a kite,
and the wind is very strong.
(STUDENTS GASP)
That's right. One of them is the one,
and when I find him,
he'll be mine forever.
And by forever I actually mean,
a few minutes before
I do away with the little bugger.
(LAUGHS WICKEDLY)
JAKE: Hey, Trix, check it.
According to this journal,
a few centuries back
Pandora's box was modified
with an enchanted lock.
Maybe that's why Pandarus
hasn't opened it yet,
because he doesn't know how to. Trix?
That was out by a mile.
Uh, what are you watching?
It's the mime channel.
I know I should be happy for him,
but I can't help missing
our little mime boy.
Yeah, I miss him, too.
-(ENTHRALLING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
-(KEYBOARDS CLACKING)
"I" before "E," except after "C."
"I" before "E," except after "C."
You two are goin' down.
These tests are for superior intelligence,
not annoyance.
So, hello, I'm gonna win.
You guys want to know what
it is I do better than you?
Fail. I bet you that I can fail
out of here in one day.
That's right.
And I'm going to have fun doing it.
(GASPING) Fail?
On purpose?
It's impossible.
No true genius would do that.
It's against our nature,
our raison d'etre.
Mmm, I had a raison bagel
for breakfast. Delish.
We will now begin
the advanced intelligence testing.
For the first exam, the student
who builds the strongest laser wins.
(CRYING)
TEACHER: Hmm. Most impressive, Ira.
(ALL LAUGHING)
TEACHER: Arthur Spudinski!
Ready to rock. Oh, and you might
want some earplugs.
-(CLICKS)
-(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(IMITATING GUITAR)
♪ My fingers are going
like a windmill ♪
♪ And windmill
Fall to the ground exhausted ♪
I've given my soul to the gods of rock.
Pronounce me worthy.
Well, Spud.
That was very loud.
Failed it.
Next, we will test your knowledge
of chemistry.
(BUBBLING)
-(SHUDDERS)
-What did you make, dear?
I don't know,
but I think I'm allergic to it.
-I made some frothy purple stuff.
-(EXPLODING)
TEACHER: Ooh! (GRUNTING) What the...
Oh, Mr. Spudinski, are you sure
you received an invitation to MGI?
Yep. Oh, and, uh, Mrs. Grumplestock?
Dig the beard.
Mr. Spudinski, I don't know
how you cheated on the entrance exam,
but I won't stand for it any longer.
There's only one more test.
When you fail it,
your time at the Genius Institute is over.
Still nothing on Pandarus
and his control of Pandora's Box?
No, but I did find a video of a guy
standing too close to the business end
of an elephant.
"That's a whole lot of peanuts,"
is all I can say.
Jakie, this is pointless.
Spud's the computer genius, not me.
Hold up, wait a minute.
Before there was the internet we used to
get the scoop the old-fashioned way.
FU: Believe you me,
if Pandarus is up to something,
somebody here'll know about it.
-Nothin' but net.
-(BEEPS)
(GRUNTING)
Can someone get me some water?
Thanks, I was parched.
Hey, hey. Bingo. Look who's at
the end of the bar nursing a milkshake.
and a grudge, by the looks of it.
This milkshake, it's like life.
So sweet until the chips get stuck
in the straw and gives you a headache.
A round of brownie delights,
and keep 'em comin'.
Oh, I know you. Eli Pandarus's sidekick.
Am I right?
Until he gave me my walking papers.
Why don't you tell Fu all about it.
Pandarus dropped me like yesterday's news
and took over
the Manhattan Genius Institute without me.
Say what now?
He's looking for a super genius to unlock
the code for some box he has.
He's been funding
the world's greatest scientists,
but they haven't been able to crack it.
So, he decided to see if a fresh,
new mind could do it. And thus, MGI.
Problem is, the poor sucker who does it
is going to be in serious trouble
-when Pandarus gets his hands on him.
-BOTH: Spud!
You failed me.
Your assignment was to find the one
without having to reveal the code.
Now, I have no choice
but to show them the tablets.
Just remember, if no one cracks it,
you'll spend the rest of your life
as a toad.
-And an ugly one at that.
-(CRACKLING)
(CROAKS)
I won't fail you.
This is our final placement test.
I don't want you to feel pressured,
but it will determine
the rest of your life and mine.
Whoever cracks this code is the one.
We will now begin.
(GASPING)
But I never fail.
Ugh, humiliation.
H-u-m-i-l-i-a-t-i-o-n.
Humiliation.
Ugh! The tables have turned.
This code has cracked me.
Oh, no! No one cracked the code.
You all croaked...
Uh, I mean, choked.
I have one final lesson.
Always be kind to toads.
Hey, ho. Uh, over here.
I haven't tried it yet.
Why waste our time, Mr. Spudinski.
It's clear you don't belong
at the Genius Institute.
Why don't you pack
your protractor and leave?
Yes!
Told you I could fail out of here!
It's obvious. He's not a real genius.
Oh, why? Because I actually have
a sense of humor?
You guys are the reason
I don't want to use my noggin.
Who wants to be a stressed out
type "A" who forgets to be a kid,
'cause they're so busy
trying to be perfect all the time?
-Oh, I do!
-Well, I don't.
All work, no play, all play, no work?
There has to be a balance.
That speech would be moving,
if you really were a genius.
(SIGHS) Okay, I'll prove it.
Your code is easy.
I mean, it might seem hard
if you're looking at it in 2-D,
but in 3-D it's like
taking candy from a baby.
3-D? I, I don't see it.
Duh?
You just have to take
every fourth derivative
of the dangling participle
of the 10th letter of every sixth...
Oh, I'm sorry. What?
No one's with me here?
(CRACKLING)
You! You're the one.
Eli Pandarus.
Wait, aren't you like, totally evil?
Again with the flattery,
but it won't work.
(LAUGHS WICKEDLY)
Ahhh!
(ALARM BLARING)
TRIXIE: Jakie, I'm telling you.
There is no way we're going to be
able to stealth our way in
-with you all dragoned up.
-Hold up. I got an idea.
Tail of the dragon.
(BOTH GRUNT)
JAKE: Come on, follow me.
Jakie, lose the tail.
PANDARUS: Ah, yes.
There is nothing more exciting than
executing a plan to take over the world.
I'll have to take your word.
True, and I'll have to take
your words for it.
You see, Pandora's Box
was missing for years,
but the code were locked and passed down
through my family for generations.
My father and his father
before him were never able
to find anyone who could crack it.
Now, all I need is for you
to finish the code
and I'll finally have my army
to take over the magical world.
(EVIL LAUGHS)
Really good evil laugh, dude.
Oh, chills. Hmm.
But what makes you think
I'm going to help you?
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
My laugh of evil needs a little work.
-A moment, please.
-All the time you need.
-(CRACKLING)
-Manis atmovayo mohair motem!
(GASPS) Okay! Okay, I'll read your curse.
I thought you might say that.
Okay, let's see. Uh, flip the outer
handle, turn the lock 14 degrees,
yada-yada-ya, then unseal the six latches
and you're good to go.
Jake!
Too late dragon.
Nothing can stop me now.
Guess again. (GRUNTS)
How about we decide once and for all,
who wins in a fight between
brains and brawn?
Too bad for you
I've got both.
(GRUNTING)
And too bad for you, Mr. Spudinski.
I have no use for you now.
(WHIRRING)
Ahhh!
Huh? Spud, hang on.
(GRUNTING)
-Ow!
-Could someone give me a hand?
Wait. I already did.
(GRUNTING)
Was this the kind of hand you needed?
(GRUNTS)
-Or was it this kind?
-(GRUNTS)
Whoa!
Oh! I'll give you a hand.
Now, what was it? Oh, yeah.
Medas atmovayer moovayer mootam.
-(MOOING)
-Oops. That's not right.
-Uh... Mantis atmovayer movayer montam.
-(CRACKLING)
Nope. Last try.
-Uh, manis atmovayo mohair motem.
-(CRACKLING)
-(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
-(GRUNTS)
I won't be sticking around
for the big finale.
Huh?
You came for me!
We couldn't get through two days
without you, let alone two weeks.
(GRUNTS) Hey, you're crushing
my spine a little bit, though.
Oh, sorry. Come here, you.
Come on, give Spud the love.
-You know you wanna. Come here.
-Ah... Okay, okay.
I'm giving you the love.
That's what I'm talking about.
Hey, Spud. What are you doing?
Teaching my new buds over here
you can be smart and have fun.
An average speed of 15 miles per hour
down a 47-degree angle...
Spud, I'm sorry I pushed you to do
something you didn't want to do.
It's okay. Sometimes a kid
needs a little push from his friends.
(LAUGHING) Whoo! Yeah!
Truth is, I was wrong
to hide my noggin.
When I was cracking the code,
it felt good,
like I was being challenged.
And I wouldn't have done that
if you hadn't believed in me.
I mean, I was even thinking of
taking some advanced classes.
That is good to hear, Spud.
Oh! You guys will be glad to know that
I'm thinking maybe the life of a mime,
not so much the life for me.
So, then what you gonna be?
A famous scientist? Ooh, a mathematician?
No, I'm thinking maybe
I'm more of a one-man band kind of dude.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
BOTH: Aw, man.
Spudinski's mind is one strange
and mysterious place.
Here's one of his IQ tests you didn't see.
Spud, I'm going to show you
a number of images.
Just blurt out whatever it is
they remind you of.
Monkey riding a unicycle. Oh, Oh, I know,
that's a monkey riding a unicycle.
-And this one?
-Hmm...
This one's a little harder to decipher.
(IRRITATED) It's a stinking monkey
riding a unicycle.
Nope, sorry, just not seeing it...
Oh, I see a monkey riding a unicycle.
And there's another one.
TEACHER: (SIGHS) They don't pay me
enough for this.
TRIXIE: What? What in the cuckoo
are you doing?
In case you forgot, we have
a standardized test to study for.
If you must know, I, too,
am planning for my future.
Yeah, uh, how's that exactly?
My guidance counselor reviewed
my academic records.
It suggested I was most suited
to a career as a street performer.
-Behold, I'm stuck in a box.
-(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)
This box has four walls.
I can't get out.
-(FRANTICALLY) I'm starting to panic!
-Okay, mimes don't talk.
I'm just a beginner.
It takes years before you can create
a wall without talking. Years!
Your guidance counselor
would be singing a different tune
-if she knew how smart you really are.
-For real.
Why don't you actually try
on tomorrow's test for once?
No can do.
I only need to fail 57 more tests
to complete my answer bubble ode
to DaVinci's last supper.
Spud, why are you so afraid
to let anyone know you're a brainiac?
I'm holding on to a rope.
It's pulling me out of the room.
(SCREAMS)
If that boy would just show everyone
what he can do with that head of his.
Oh, and I don't mean that dancing bowtie
trick he does with his Adam's apple.
Yeah, then he wouldn't have to
roll through life as a mime.
-(MUSIC PLAYING)
-You may now kiss the bride.
(KISSING)
(BABY LAUGHING)
(BURPS)
JAKE: Tomorrow's test determines
what honors classes we can take next year,
and honors classes get you into college,
and a good college means a good job.
So, I'm going to do Spud
the biggest favor of his life.
How you gonna do that?
I'm gonna make sure
he finally gets the props he deserves
-by getting him to take the test for real.
-(GRUNTING)
(CRASHING)
Hey, Spud. My academic standings
could use a little juicing.
-Mind acing my test for me?
-I'm behind a wall.
I'm opening a door,
and I'm giving you a thumbs up.
And, begin.
Now remember, eyes forward,
number two pencils only,
and if you're in need of the restroom
facilities, too bad for you.
(BEEPING)
(GASPS) I don't believe it.
The first perfect standardized test score
in the history of
Millard Fillmore middle school.
Our own resident genius is...
Spud?
(INAUDIBLE)
I'm yelling... No!
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
♪ He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪
♪ He's young and fast
He's the chosen one ♪
♪ People, we're not bragging ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power ♪
♪ Dragon teeth, dragon tail
burnin' dragon fire ♪
♪ A real live wire ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ He's the American Dragon ♪
♪ His skills are gettin' faster ♪
♪ With Grandpa the master ♪
♪ His destiny, what's up, G? ♪
♪ It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪
♪ American Dragon ♪
♪ I'm a dragon, I'm not braggin'
It's my destiny ♪
♪ I'm the magical protector of the NYC ♪
Ya heard?
♪ American Dragon ♪
Yeow!
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Ah! For the love of all that is superior,
German cars, German strudel,
German girdles,
and the women who wear them.
This can't be!
-Dang, it's been like a day and a half.
-(MACHINE BEEPING)
-You think he'd be over it by now.
-Yeah. It's weird.
I always thought if I showed my noggin
in all its nogginating glory,
my life would change like, shabam,
but so far it's like, totally shaboring.
-(ALL GASP)
- The name is Brainard.
Agent Brainard from
the Manhattan Genius Institute.
-(GASPS)
-I'm here for...
(GASPING) MGI.?
The elite two-week boot camp for brains?
Well, I assumed you'd want
to recruit me to teach there,
but you've come faster
than I expected. Yes.
Oh, hardball smardball. I accept.
I'm going to teach
at the Genius Institute.
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
No. I'm here for one
Arthur P. Spudinski.
What? Spudinski?
You must be mistaken. Look at him.
(CRUNCHING)
What? In my book,
a clean toe is a happy toe. Ha-ha.
Mr. Spudinski, may I have a word?
No. This is a mistake.
The machine, it malfunctioned.
I'm sure of it.
-(MACHINE WHIRRING)
-(GROANING)
Mr. Spudinski, your test score
is very impressive.
So impressive, we're offering you a place
at the Manhattan Genius Institute.
What is this now? The... The what?
The Genius Institute?
-It's a two-week program...
-(GROANS)
...designed to cultivate
the brightest minds in the tri-state area.
Wow, I'm honored, but, uh...
I've got no mullah for the schoolah.
I mean, so unless I can pay tuition
in pocket lint and pre-chewed gum,
I'll have to respectfully decline.
BRAINARD: Your tuition will be covered
by an anonymous benefactor.
Your parents have already signed
the paperwork, so it's settled.
I expect to see you tomorrow morning
at the institute.
No!
Got to tell you, Professor Rot-dude,
I'm pretty upset about it myself.
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Ooh!
-FU: Psst.
-(SPEAKING ENGLISH) Fu?
Sorry to bug you at school, kid.
We got a little dragon emergency.
The Sewage Roll alerted Gramps
that someone's stashed a powerful
magical artifact down here.
We got to find it before it ends up
in the wrong hands.
In other words, the usual.
Speaking of usual,
that's how I like my life.
Usual. Same old, same old.
But now, thanks to someone,
who shall not be named,
my existence is careening off
in a collision course with change!
Spud, don't you think you're overdoing it
just a bit?
No, Trix, I don't.
Once you get labeled
a smart lass or laddie,
life is all work and no play.
My pops taught me that
when I was but a babe.
And that, son, in a nutshell,
is trickle-down economics.
(LITTLE SPUD LAUGHS)
You're too smart to laugh at that kind of
broad, slapstick humor, mister.
(BURPS AND LAUGHS)
All I'm saying is,
I like my life just the way it is.
Yeah, tragic, kid, but if we could
get back to saving the magical world, eh?
Yo. what is that?
Uh, hard to say for sure, kid,
-but if memory serves, it's...
-(HISSING)
MAN: Not yours.
Now, step away from the box and maybe,
just maybe I'll let you all live.
Eli Pandarus. What's a lying, cheating,
evil wizard doing in a place like this?
(LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY)
You say the sweetest things.
But it will take more than flattery
to stop me from taking what's mine,
so that I can... Um, let's see,
what was that again?
Oh, yes! Take over the magical world.
Sorry, Pandarus, but the only world
you're taking over is a world of pain.
Dragon up.
Gosh, I'd love to stay and chitter chat,
but I've got big plans,
world domination and so forth,
so, I'll have to let my minions' fists
do the talking.
Time for a little minion mashing.
(ALL GRUNTING)
I'm throwing a brick.
It's having no apparent effect.
-(GROANING)
-(SCREAMS)
I'm running for my life!
(GASPS)
(GRUNTING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(COINS CLINKING)
Hey, you. Watch out for that third rail.
-(GROANING)
-'Cause it's about to get hot.
-This is what I call my blindside move.
-(GASPS)
(GRUNTING) Ha!
(SCREAMING) Whoa!
So hard to get good help these days.
-Ta-ta, dragon.
-(CRACKLING)
(GRUNTS)
Aw, man.
Pandora's Box. Locked within, is an evil,
capable of unspeakable horrors.
What does Pandarus want
with a big old box of bad?
Good question.
Only direct descendants of Pandora
are capable of controlling
the evil locked within.
Hmm... Pandora, Pandarus.
-Ha! Pandora, Pandarus.
-Spud, you think they're related?
No, actually I was thinking
those would make good names
for a brother/sister team
of crime fighting pandas,
but related? All right, I'll go with that.
Hold up. If Pandarus can control the evil,
why didn't he just open up the box
when he had the chance?
I do not know. But we must find out
before it is too late.
Yeah, well, I'd love to help you
save the magical world and all,
but I start my internment
at the Genius Institute tomorrow.
Genius Institute? You?
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
Spud? (CONTINUES LAUGHING)
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
SPUD: (IN ENGLISH) Thanks for walking me
to my first day of geniusizing.
There's no place I'd rather be right now.
Except on a date with Kyle Wilkins.
(LAUGHING) I'd sell my mama down a river
for a date with Kyle Wilkins, okay?
I mean, if fine was a crime...
Yeah, and I just wanted to say,
you'll see,
life doesn't have to be all play
and no work, or all work and no play.
See ya later.
And I'm sorry I switched the tests, yo.
We're gonna miss you.
-(KEYBOARD CLACKING)
-(CHOMPING)
Hey. I can multiply to the
16th decimal point without a calculator.
Ha! I won the National Spelling Bee
when I was seven.
So, what's your specialty?
I do an awesome mime
rendition of Road Rage.
I'm getting in my car.
Someone cuts me off.
I honk my horn and yell at them.
Honk, honk! Hey, you!
Where you going?
-(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Mimes don't talk.
-I am just a beginner!
-(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
-TEACHER: Students,
welcome to the Genius Institute.
Tomorrow we begin to test
the depths of your intelligence.
-Yeah!
-All right!
This room is filled with the world's
most extraordinary young minds.
Take each face in and ask yourself,
"Who amongst us is the one,
"the smartest of them all?"
-Yes, you have a question.
-Huh? No, I'm flying a kite,
and the wind is very strong.
(STUDENTS GASP)
That's right. One of them is the one,
and when I find him,
he'll be mine forever.
And by forever I actually mean,
a few minutes before
I do away with the little bugger.
(LAUGHS WICKEDLY)
JAKE: Hey, Trix, check it.
According to this journal,
a few centuries back
Pandora's box was modified
with an enchanted lock.
Maybe that's why Pandarus
hasn't opened it yet,
because he doesn't know how to. Trix?
That was out by a mile.
Uh, what are you watching?
It's the mime channel.
I know I should be happy for him,
but I can't help missing
our little mime boy.
Yeah, I miss him, too.
-(ENTHRALLING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
-(KEYBOARDS CLACKING)
"I" before "E," except after "C."
"I" before "E," except after "C."
You two are goin' down.
These tests are for superior intelligence,
not annoyance.
So, hello, I'm gonna win.
You guys want to know what
it is I do better than you?
Fail. I bet you that I can fail
out of here in one day.
That's right.
And I'm going to have fun doing it.
(GASPING) Fail?
On purpose?
It's impossible.
No true genius would do that.
It's against our nature,
our raison d'etre.
Mmm, I had a raison bagel
for breakfast. Delish.
We will now begin
the advanced intelligence testing.
For the first exam, the student
who builds the strongest laser wins.
(CRYING)
TEACHER: Hmm. Most impressive, Ira.
(ALL LAUGHING)
TEACHER: Arthur Spudinski!
Ready to rock. Oh, and you might
want some earplugs.
-(CLICKS)
-(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(IMITATING GUITAR)
♪ My fingers are going
like a windmill ♪
♪ And windmill
Fall to the ground exhausted ♪
I've given my soul to the gods of rock.
Pronounce me worthy.
Well, Spud.
That was very loud.
Failed it.
Next, we will test your knowledge
of chemistry.
(BUBBLING)
-(SHUDDERS)
-What did you make, dear?
I don't know,
but I think I'm allergic to it.
-I made some frothy purple stuff.
-(EXPLODING)
TEACHER: Ooh! (GRUNTING) What the...
Oh, Mr. Spudinski, are you sure
you received an invitation to MGI?
Yep. Oh, and, uh, Mrs. Grumplestock?
Dig the beard.
Mr. Spudinski, I don't know
how you cheated on the entrance exam,
but I won't stand for it any longer.
There's only one more test.
When you fail it,
your time at the Genius Institute is over.
Still nothing on Pandarus
and his control of Pandora's Box?
No, but I did find a video of a guy
standing too close to the business end
of an elephant.
"That's a whole lot of peanuts,"
is all I can say.
Jakie, this is pointless.
Spud's the computer genius, not me.
Hold up, wait a minute.
Before there was the internet we used to
get the scoop the old-fashioned way.
FU: Believe you me,
if Pandarus is up to something,
somebody here'll know about it.
-Nothin' but net.
-(BEEPS)
(GRUNTING)
Can someone get me some water?
Thanks, I was parched.
Hey, hey. Bingo. Look who's at
the end of the bar nursing a milkshake.
and a grudge, by the looks of it.
This milkshake, it's like life.
So sweet until the chips get stuck
in the straw and gives you a headache.
A round of brownie delights,
and keep 'em comin'.
Oh, I know you. Eli Pandarus's sidekick.
Am I right?
Until he gave me my walking papers.
Why don't you tell Fu all about it.
Pandarus dropped me like yesterday's news
and took over
the Manhattan Genius Institute without me.
Say what now?
He's looking for a super genius to unlock
the code for some box he has.
He's been funding
the world's greatest scientists,
but they haven't been able to crack it.
So, he decided to see if a fresh,
new mind could do it. And thus, MGI.
Problem is, the poor sucker who does it
is going to be in serious trouble
-when Pandarus gets his hands on him.
-BOTH: Spud!
You failed me.
Your assignment was to find the one
without having to reveal the code.
Now, I have no choice
but to show them the tablets.
Just remember, if no one cracks it,
you'll spend the rest of your life
as a toad.
-And an ugly one at that.
-(CRACKLING)
(CROAKS)
I won't fail you.
This is our final placement test.
I don't want you to feel pressured,
but it will determine
the rest of your life and mine.
Whoever cracks this code is the one.
We will now begin.
(GASPING)
But I never fail.
Ugh, humiliation.
H-u-m-i-l-i-a-t-i-o-n.
Humiliation.
Ugh! The tables have turned.
This code has cracked me.
Oh, no! No one cracked the code.
You all croaked...
Uh, I mean, choked.
I have one final lesson.
Always be kind to toads.
Hey, ho. Uh, over here.
I haven't tried it yet.
Why waste our time, Mr. Spudinski.
It's clear you don't belong
at the Genius Institute.
Why don't you pack
your protractor and leave?
Yes!
Told you I could fail out of here!
It's obvious. He's not a real genius.
Oh, why? Because I actually have
a sense of humor?
You guys are the reason
I don't want to use my noggin.
Who wants to be a stressed out
type "A" who forgets to be a kid,
'cause they're so busy
trying to be perfect all the time?
-Oh, I do!
-Well, I don't.
All work, no play, all play, no work?
There has to be a balance.
That speech would be moving,
if you really were a genius.
(SIGHS) Okay, I'll prove it.
Your code is easy.
I mean, it might seem hard
if you're looking at it in 2-D,
but in 3-D it's like
taking candy from a baby.
3-D? I, I don't see it.
Duh?
You just have to take
every fourth derivative
of the dangling participle
of the 10th letter of every sixth...
Oh, I'm sorry. What?
No one's with me here?
(CRACKLING)
You! You're the one.
Eli Pandarus.
Wait, aren't you like, totally evil?
Again with the flattery,
but it won't work.
(LAUGHS WICKEDLY)
Ahhh!
(ALARM BLARING)
TRIXIE: Jakie, I'm telling you.
There is no way we're going to be
able to stealth our way in
-with you all dragoned up.
-Hold up. I got an idea.
Tail of the dragon.
(BOTH GRUNT)
JAKE: Come on, follow me.
Jakie, lose the tail.
PANDARUS: Ah, yes.
There is nothing more exciting than
executing a plan to take over the world.
I'll have to take your word.
True, and I'll have to take
your words for it.
You see, Pandora's Box
was missing for years,
but the code were locked and passed down
through my family for generations.
My father and his father
before him were never able
to find anyone who could crack it.
Now, all I need is for you
to finish the code
and I'll finally have my army
to take over the magical world.
(EVIL LAUGHS)
Really good evil laugh, dude.
Oh, chills. Hmm.
But what makes you think
I'm going to help you?
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
My laugh of evil needs a little work.
-A moment, please.
-All the time you need.
-(CRACKLING)
-Manis atmovayo mohair motem!
(GASPS) Okay! Okay, I'll read your curse.
I thought you might say that.
Okay, let's see. Uh, flip the outer
handle, turn the lock 14 degrees,
yada-yada-ya, then unseal the six latches
and you're good to go.
Jake!
Too late dragon.
Nothing can stop me now.
Guess again. (GRUNTS)
How about we decide once and for all,
who wins in a fight between
brains and brawn?
Too bad for you
I've got both.
(GRUNTING)
And too bad for you, Mr. Spudinski.
I have no use for you now.
(WHIRRING)
Ahhh!
Huh? Spud, hang on.
(GRUNTING)
-Ow!
-Could someone give me a hand?
Wait. I already did.
(GRUNTING)
Was this the kind of hand you needed?
(GRUNTS)
-Or was it this kind?
-(GRUNTS)
Whoa!
Oh! I'll give you a hand.
Now, what was it? Oh, yeah.
Medas atmovayer moovayer mootam.
-(MOOING)
-Oops. That's not right.
-Uh... Mantis atmovayer movayer montam.
-(CRACKLING)
Nope. Last try.
-Uh, manis atmovayo mohair motem.
-(CRACKLING)
-(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
-(GRUNTS)
I won't be sticking around
for the big finale.
Huh?
You came for me!
We couldn't get through two days
without you, let alone two weeks.
(GRUNTS) Hey, you're crushing
my spine a little bit, though.
Oh, sorry. Come here, you.
Come on, give Spud the love.
-You know you wanna. Come here.
-Ah... Okay, okay.
I'm giving you the love.
That's what I'm talking about.
Hey, Spud. What are you doing?
Teaching my new buds over here
you can be smart and have fun.
An average speed of 15 miles per hour
down a 47-degree angle...
Spud, I'm sorry I pushed you to do
something you didn't want to do.
It's okay. Sometimes a kid
needs a little push from his friends.
(LAUGHING) Whoo! Yeah!
Truth is, I was wrong
to hide my noggin.
When I was cracking the code,
it felt good,
like I was being challenged.
And I wouldn't have done that
if you hadn't believed in me.
I mean, I was even thinking of
taking some advanced classes.
That is good to hear, Spud.
Oh! You guys will be glad to know that
I'm thinking maybe the life of a mime,
not so much the life for me.
So, then what you gonna be?
A famous scientist? Ooh, a mathematician?
No, I'm thinking maybe
I'm more of a one-man band kind of dude.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
BOTH: Aw, man.
Spudinski's mind is one strange
and mysterious place.
Here's one of his IQ tests you didn't see.
Spud, I'm going to show you
a number of images.
Just blurt out whatever it is
they remind you of.
Monkey riding a unicycle. Oh, Oh, I know,
that's a monkey riding a unicycle.
-And this one?
-Hmm...
This one's a little harder to decipher.
(IRRITATED) It's a stinking monkey
riding a unicycle.
Nope, sorry, just not seeing it...
Oh, I see a monkey riding a unicycle.
And there's another one.
TEACHER: (SIGHS) They don't pay me
enough for this.