American Dad! (2005–…): Season 8, Episode 9 - The Adventures of Twill Ongenbone and His Boy Jabari - full transcript

♪ Good morning, USA!

♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, USA

Aah!

♪ Good morning, USA!

WOMAN:
Sara Luger.

(applause and cheering)

Mark Spaznik Maznik.



(applause)

(cheering and whooping)

Twill Ongenbone.

It's just you?!
Where is everybody?!

They said they wanted to come,
but they couldn't

because...
they didn't want to come.

Where were you?!

This was a really big deal for me.

I got a Master's in
Archeology from Georgetown!

You didn't even go to school there.

Yeah, you transferred all your credits

from a fake school in Nairobi
where you're also the dean,

and his arch nemesis, fraternity
prankster, Machmud Thikbooti.

So?



So you don't really have
a degree in archeology.

You're a fraud.

How can you say that to someone

the world has recognized in so many ways?

I have an Oscar!

That's Cuba Gooding's Oscar.

You just bought it on eBay.

Nuh-uh. I bought it,
and left feedback.

Not enough people do.

What Stan's saying is
that an Oscar, like a degree,

is an achievement
people work really hard for.

Mr. Gooding was awarded that
for his excellence in acting.

Sure, he made some bad choices

after the film Show Me the Money,

but that Oscar is his and not yours.

And nothing you do
in your miserable life

will ever come close to what he did.

(Klaus panting)

I heard shouting.

Is everything okay?

There! Are you
happy now?!

(sobbing)

Did you have to be so hard on him?

He was pretending to be the recipient

of the highest honor awarded
in the world of acting.

I know, but it's just...

It's just what, Francine?

He was making out like he won an Oscar.

You're right.

It's an Oscar, for God's sake.

(sniffling)

Why doesn't anyone like my awards?

Well, sweetheart, because
you didn't earn them.

Like this one.

You're supposed to get this
for being good at bowling.

Are you good at bowling?

Bowling's gross.

So this is just a hunk of plastic.

All this stuff is.

I'm sorry, Roger, but
you're taking praise

for things you haven't earned.

But I could earn things.

I could work hard if I wanted.

I know.

You've got great stuff in there.

You just have to apply yourself.

You believe in me!

(musical trilling)

Oh, my God, you can do that?

Yeah, when I'm really happy.

(musical trilling) Ew!

Yeah, it's made
out of pee-pee.

(crickets chirring)

Hey, Dad.
Hmm.

So, Dad, Mr. Brink
gave us an assignment.

We're supposed to interview our dads.

It's-it's supposed
to show us

that history can come from anywhere.

What?

I'm just supposed to ask
some background questions,

you know... (laughs)
about your life.

Like, where were you born?

That's getting awfully personal.

What?! But-but how am I
gonna do my assignment?

Maybe you don't do this one.

It's high school, Steve.

It doesn't matter.

You said that about middle school.

When's it start to matter?

Never.
Never.

(music plays on TV)

Check it out, guys.

I'm training for the
Langley Falls marathon.

Whoa, that's a big deal,
running a marathon.

You're not running any marathon.

Am, too!

Francine explained how
when you work for something,

it's more valuable.

If I finish this marathon,
I earn a medal.

You're a fatso, and you couldn't
run four blocks.

Stan...It's true.
What?

His legs are shorter than his feet.

Ugh! Roger,
don't listen to him.

Let your actions speak for themselves.

Like when you get drunk tonight

and eat all the fruit leather
which you claim to hate.

I do hate it!
Where is it?

Not for you.
You're in training.

And I'm gonna help you.

♪

♪ Welcome to the limit

♪ Limit ♪

♪ Take it maybe one step more

♪ The power game's still playing ♪

♪ So you better win it...

(sighs) I'm gonna fail this assignment
'cause my dad won't open up.

I'm gonna fail 'cause my
dad went to Home Depot

five years ago and never came back.

Look, Steve, a lot of people
feel more comfortable

talking about personal things

when it's not
face-to-face.

Maybe you should try calling your dad.

I guess it's worth a shot.

(phone ringing) Hello?

STEVE:
Hey, Dad. What-what you up to?

Eating lunch. I just needed
a break from work, you know?

Lately, I've been thinking about
all the people I've had to kill.

God. The first five, ten times
you take a life, it's eerie.

You remember every detail.

I can see all their faces.

One had a beard.

Each time I pulled the trigger,

I tied a little knot in my memory

that no amount of whiskey could loosen.

'Course eventually, I stopped caring.

Now I can put a bullet
through a man's head

while figuring out how much KFC
to pick up on my way home.

It's usually no more than a bucket.

The sick part is,
I've come to love it--

snuffing out lives.

I crave it.

I feel like an angel of death.

The Messenger of Eternal Darkness.

A merciless demon
with an unquenchable...

Oh, they just put more
orange chicken in the buffet.

Got to run.
(dial tone)

Remember, the goal is to finish.

Ha! I'm gonna win this thing.

Everybody looks so slow!

MAN (over loudspeaker):
On your marks. Get set.

(starting gun fires)

(Roger yells, then grunts)

(sighs)

Oh, my God!
Are you okay?

I turned my ankle...
but I can run it off.

(yelling) Roger!

Stop! You're hurt.

Why'd this happen to me?!

I actually tried this time!

(sobbing)

Oh, honey.

Is there anything I can do
to make you feel better?

You know, I was gonna give you
this after the race, but here.

(gasps)

What's this for?

You won a Franny!

It's because you worked really hard,

and that's all that matters.

Wow. I love it.

Hey, could you pull over for a sec?

(brakes squeak)

(crowd cheering and shouting)
I did it!

Oh, my God, what a gorgeous trophy!

And flowers?

Wait, I can't hold everything.

I'm gonna have my friend hold my cone.

(cheering and shouting continue)

You did it! Yay!
We love you, Roger!

Your butt looks so great
in those shorts!

I could never get away
with those, not since the baby!

You didn't win the marathon.

Are you sure?

'Cause everyone else thinks I did.

What do you think?

I think my trophy is a cooz magnet,

and this photo won't scare off
any wang, either.

I don't know why you did this.

You worked so hard to get ready.

I mean, you weren't gonna win,
but you would have finished.

That would have been a real achievement.

Actually, I wouldn't have finished.

You see, I never went running
after breakfast.

What? Then what
were you doing?

ROGER: Well, I'd start with one of
Francine's gigantic breakfasts.

And then I'd leave the house
and jog to the corner.

There, I'd have a cigarette,

two if I ran into that looker Rhonda

with the natural low hangers .

Then I'd head down the street

to where that house
is getting a second floor,

pop into one of the Porta Potties

for the constructions workers,

and try to pass my enormous breakfast.

That was always a struggle.

(Roger chuckles)

My only real exercise of the day.

And I'd usually fall asleep on the pot.

Those crappers heat up
big time in the sun,

so when I woke up a couple hours later,

I'd be drenched in sweat.

Half the time, I pooed in my sleep.

I can't believe I wasted all
that effort on you for nothing.

Well, I did win the marathon, so...

You didn't win the marathon!

You keep saying that.

But my new Mazda Miata says otherwise.

Oh!

(whispering):
So sleek.

Roger, I'm done with you.

No more praise, no more support.

You don't deserve it.

In fact, I'm taking back my Franny.

(gasps) How could you...?

What... I worked for that.

No, you didn't.

But I want it!
What are you gonna do with it?

I don't know.

Maybe I'll give it to Steve.

Steve? You hate Steve.

You always say you hate him.

I never said that.

Then why is it tattooed on your butt?

Oh, that's ridiculous.

He's just lashing out
because I took his Franny back.

Nope, it's right here on her butt.

I... hate... Steve.

(laughs)
He-he's just joshing, right, Ma?

Ugh! Look!

There's nothing there!

Oh, God, Mom!

Ha-ha, you B.A.'d
your son!

Uh... the
bus is here?

Get out of here, Snot!

Franny, let's go.

I need you to take a picture

of me and the Miata for my trophy case.

I told you I was done, Roger.

Oh, we're really doing this, huh?

Fine. I don't need
you in my life!

I don't need Francine
or her stupid award.

I'll take my own celebratory picture.

(beep)

(camera shutter clicks)

Ugh!

(beep)

Oh, what the...!

(click)

(beep)

(camera shutter clicking)

(singsongy):
Hey. Knock, knock.

Here's the guy
who maybe needs his friend

more than he admitted.

What happened to you?

A guy punched me in my face,

but that probably makes you happy

because you hate me so much.

I don't hate you.

I'm just done investing my time in you.

I'm done being the sucker, Roger.

You're lazy and a cheat, and I'm done.

No, I need you!
I'm-I'm sorry.

Look, I-I won't be lazy.

I'll do something real.
I promise.

Your word is as worthless
as your diploma.

Is that what this is about?
The diploma?

Well, what if I go earn it?

What if I become
the best damn archaeologist

this town's ever seen?

Then you'll have to give me
my Franny back!

Sounds great, Roger.
Knock yourself out.

You'll see!

Hey, is that my underwear in there?

I told you never to wash my underwear!

Great, now I got
to start all over again!

(farting repeatedly)

I can't turn this in.

It's all about my dad killing people!

Callour dad again and get him
to talk about something else.

(phone rings)

Hello?

H-Hey, Dad.
Son, glad you called.

I was kind of bumming,
thinking about your mom.

What? Why?

(groans) I feel our lovemaking
has lost all its intimacy.

We're not attuned
to each other's love energies.

We're just slamming away.
Dad! I-I'm here with the guys on speakerphone.

Hey, guys.

Yeah, lovemaking sure can turn into sex

without you even noticing it.

And why not?
Sex with your mom feels great.

It's easy to think maybe that is love.

And then there's the performer in me

always trying to get your mom turned on.

I pull her hair,
choke her lightly--

or not so lightly...

Dad, when you were my age, what
was the cost of a loaf of bread?

The focus becomes how hot she gets,

how many times I can make her
shudder with pleasure...

All right, this is enough.

Dad, what do Mom's boobs look like?

I'll tell you, Snot--
they're perfect.

Creamy twins with faint blue
veins running over them

like cooling streams
I can wash my face in.

(objects clattering)

It's 5:00 in
the morning.

What are you doing?

Why, I'm getting ready
to go to the dig site.

Come on, Roger,
what are you really doing?

Well... why don't I show you.

(loudly): Two millions years ago a
glacier cut through this valley.

The river used to flow east to west.

That's why I knew we had to start south,

where an ancient tribe
would have a fresh water source.

(loudly):
How do you know all this?

Well, hell, Francine...

(quietly):
I'm an archaeologist.

Why do you keep leaning
in when I say stuff?

(laughs):
Roger! This is... amazing!

Yeah, well, not so amazing.

We haven't turned up anything yet.

You... you did all this?

Well, me and Jabari.

Jabari, show Francine how
you wear your shirt sometimes.

That's how he wears it sometimes.

Hello!

What do we have here?

What is it?

If this is what I think it is,
I should be able to do this.

(playing melody)

Wow, Roger, you really
found something... Waah!

Look out, boss!

(crackling)
(both screaming)

(screaming continues)

(gasping breaths)

Oh, my God! Roger!

I think you've found a lost tribe!

Ednolb riah.

Hmm, they're speaking Sadrawkcab,

the language of an indigenous tribe

that lived in these mountains
thousands of years ago.

Roger, all your hard work has paid off!

You've made one of the greatest
discoveries of all time!

Stel Y-trap!
Stel Y-trap!

Looks like they want to welcome us

with a traditional celebration.

I am so proud of you.

You finally did something real!

(chuckles):
Well, she bought it.

Hey, don't break character.

Hey, I saw you on CSI last week.

Oh, yeah?
You ruined the episode.

I can't believe you
discovered a lost tribe.

You know, before you brought me here

I thought all this archaeology stuff

was just another one of your scams.

I was ready to write you off for good.

(laughs): Well, good thing you're gonna
give me my Franny back instead, huh?

(chuckles):
Well, I should say so.

(primitive music playing)

Hey, looks like something's
about to happen.

♪

(clap)

I think he wants us to join them.

No, I'm pretty sure they
only want me down there.

Oh, boy, I hope I don't
embarrass myself.

Who knows if I can even keep up?
Two, three, four.

(orchestra playing
lively Broadway-like intro)

♪

Sit down, Franny.

This isn't about you.

♪

Big finish, guys.

Bring it home.

(song ends)
Host this, Doogie Howser.

All right, whew.

Let's head home.

What? No.

We need to stay and study these people.

This is all so fascinating.

Oh, (bleep).

...and that's why my dad
didn't go to his dad's funeral

and why I won't go to my dad's funeral.

Steve, you're up.

Yeah. Uh, see...

m-my dad wasn't really willing
to answer the questions.

Sounds like a whole lot
of nonsense, Steve.

You know what I think?
I think you're just trying

to get out of this assignment.

Oh, is that what you think?

Okay, Mr. Brink, here we go.

(line rings)

Hello?
Hey, Dad.

I'm calling from my history class.

So, who was president
when you were a kid?

Oh, I don't know, I guess I think

about killinmyself pretty frequently.

And why not?
What's so great about living?

You know when I'm happy?

For about five seconds in the morning

when I first wake up,
before I remember who I am

and what my life is all about--

(voice breaks):
anxiety, disappointment...

diarrhea more often than not.

(sighs) I don't... I don't
know if there's an afterlife,

but who cares?

Nothingness couldn't be any worse

than this meaningless march
through my empty days.

(beep)
See, Mr. Brink?

Mr. Brink?

He's right--
it's pointless.

Life dismissed.

(loud thud)

This was supposed to last three hours.

We only rehearsed the dance
number and the feast.

We're out of material.
Hey, you guys all had improv on your résumés.

(loudly and slowly):
Is this your drinking water?

Um...

goo-goo gah-gah?

Look, people want to go home.

They have families.

I know Hannah's son has a fever.

It's bad. He's throwing up right now
at home with a 14-year-old babysitter.

Aw, geez, Hannah, why...
why don't you just leave?

Because I drove with Gary.

So Gary can go, too.
Screw it, take Gary.

Gary doesn't want to leave.

(moaning)

I-I don't know
what to tell you, Hannah.

All right, all right, how about this?

I'll do something
that makes the tribe mad,

and you guys chase us out of here.

Staying was a really
cool idea, Francine.

I've learned so much.

Like, for instance, they're
a tchotchke-based culture.

They think these things hold
the spirits of their ancestors.

Oh, God! Oh, no!

Oh, if this thing breaks,
there's gonna be trouble.

Teg meht!

Run!

(angry shouting)

(screaming)

Shoot. Must have
taken a wrong turn.

(shouting stops)

Um...

Um... this way!

(angry shouting)

We're gonna make it!

(screams)

No!

(weak groan)

No way.

(gasps, indistinct chatter) Oh, my God!

What's going on?

We're actors!

You just killed Cuba Gooding Jr.

Show me... the heaven.

(groans)

Roger, what the hell is going on?
Fine.

I staged everything, okay?

This isn't a tribe; these
are all actors and actresses.

Actually, we prefer to be
called "actors" now, as well.

Shut up, Hannah!

So this was all a setup?

But... how?

How did you do all this?

Well, it started with the casting.

Ryan Creamwell.
I'm with Preferred Artists.

Take off your shirt and throw it to me.

(sniffs)

It's disgusting.
You got the part.

Then it was on to the choreography.

No, no, no, no!
Eyes on me!

One and two and kick
and tush and kick and bush

and finger, finger,
finger, finger, finger.

And then I had to find
my young boy assistant.

But why did you do all this?

Because I wanted my Franny back!

So what I think means that much to you?

Yeah, but now you just think
I'm a big, lazy faker again.

Lazy? Roger, I've never
seen anyone work so hard

on anything in my entire life.

You mean...
I impressed you?

And how!

I wish Stan was here to see this.

Hey, where's my Oscar?

(quiet organ music playing)

This belongs to you.

One last time, CGJ.

(high-pitched):
Show me the money.

(chuckles)

(sighs)

You will be missed.