American Dad! (2005–…): Season 7, Episode 16 - The Kidney Stays in the Picture - full transcript
Stan gets caught in baby momma drama.
♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
Mmm!
Damn it.
Mmm, this bagel is so good.
It's Thomas'.
They made a bagel just like...
...a real New York bagel.
Hey, taxi!
This is the most amazing bagel.
I wish I could tell
more people about it,
strangers even.
Why not get on Facebook?
What's that?
It's the Web site you go to
when you're done yanking it.
Here, I'll set you up, Mom.
Do people really care
what I just ate?
Facebook is all
about reconnecting.
Give me the name
of someone from your past.
How about Kelly Wilk?
No!
I forbid you
to locate Kelly Wilk.
Which, of course,
means I have to.
Oh, my God, that's Kelly.
I haven't seen her in 20 years.
They called her
The Kidney Killer
because she made
people party so hard,
their kidneys would shut down.
We used to go down
to this club called The Button
and get destroyed.
One time I passed out hugging
the toilet bowl,
my face two inches from a turd
somebody left on the seat.
Ah, I miss it.
I know The Button.
I used to cruise and
sell ecstasy there.
You know, I created ecstasy.
You didn't create
ecstasy, Roger.
I did too create ecstasy.
I'll prove it.
Klaus, my files.
I am not your secretary.
Now I am.
Nonsense.
Excuse me.
Mom, Kelly lives
in D.C.
You should friend her.
Do not friend her.
Kelly is too wild.
No good can come of it.
Come on, let Mom have
some fun once in a while.
Why don't you ever
take my side?
Because your side
is always wrong.
Your side is always wrong.
Ow!
Ha-ha,
can't get me.
Come on, Mom, it might be fun
to reconnect after 20 years.
Sure, I'm game.
Oh, my God, that must be her.
Party till you puke!
Kelly, you crazy...
Francine.
...nun!
Sister Wilk, actually.
As it says in Leviticus...
Ah, I don't know what the
it says in Leviticus!
I'm just messing with you!
Oh, you crazy tramp.
You haven't changed a bit.
Oh, Kelly, this is
my daughter Hayley.
Nice to meet you.
What's your tattoo say?
"Eat out more often."
Hey, what do you say we
grab some drinks? I'm in.
Hayley, you think you can hang?
Oh, trust me, I can hang.
Whoo-hoo!
Hey, you want to see
a real Pontiac Fiero?
You still have that?
Yeah, it's my good luck car.
I've only gotten 19 DUIs in it.
One, two, three!
Ooh.
Francine, you raised
a lightweight.
Bistore!
Bistore.
Oh, no.
That's right--
Ultimate Kellys.
What's, what's in it?
Don't worry about it.
Let's just say it's why
Montel Williams has M.S.
Honey, you sit this one out.
They don't call her
The Kidney Killer for nothing.
No, I'm, I'm fine, I can hang.
♪ Take you back ♪
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ Take you back ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Take
you, take you... ♪
George, what's the matter?
The alcohol.
I can't take it anymore, Joe.
I'm, I'm shutting down.
What?
Georgie, no.
One, two, three!
Good-bye, Joe.
I'll always remember
that trip we took to the anus.
No!
I can't make it alone.
My insides hurt.
What happened?
Oh, Stan, we were out
having a drink with Kelly
and one
of Hayley's kidneys died,
and her other kidney is failing.
She's going to need
a transplant.
Oh, my God.
I'd give her mine,
but I only have one.
Kelly killed my other one
when we had
a tequila-pounding contest
with comedian George Wallace,
who went on to become
the second most famous black man
in a Kangol hat.
Who's the first most famous?
Samuel L. Jackson.
Then I guess I'll have
to give her one of my kidneys.
Or... we could
leave her hooked up
to a machine her whole life,
like me and my coffeemaker,
I tell you what.
What are you talking about?
She's my daughter.
I'm giving her my kidney.
I'm ready.
Somebody shave my groin.
I like it against the grain.
Stan, wait, I don't know
if you'll be a match.
What?
Don't be ridiculous.
Why wouldn't I be a match?
Well...
there's a chance
you're not Hayley's father.
I... might not be
Hayley's father?
You cheated on me?
I'm sorry.
It happened a few days
before our wedding
at my bachelorette party.
A few days before the wedding?!
While I was dealing
with small details
that ultimately made it
the most beautiful day
of my life?
A box of
flip-flops so the girls could dance.
I was freaking out that
my life was changing.
I was going from
being this party girl
to being someone's wife,
and I got drunk and--
oh, it was the biggest
mistake I ever made.
Can you ever forgive me?
You big whore.
I don't know why
I'm holding you like this.
It must be very confusing.
Mr. and Mrs.
Smith, bad news.
Your daughter's second kidney
is only working at 20%.
If it fails, she dies.
Hayley will likely need
a kidney transplant.
Well, I may not be compatible
because right before
our wedding,
my wife had warm-up sex
with another man.
I can test to see if
you're her father,
but it'll take a few days.
Your insurance is terrible.
It won't pay for us to
overnight your samples
to the lab in Dallas, so
we'll have to use Robby.
I'm Robby!
I'm not allowed to stay
up and watch Castle!
In the meantime, you'd better
track down the other man
you slept with, in case
your daughter needs that kidney.
So who is he, Francine?
I'm not sure.
Just someone I m in a bar and
had sex with in the coat room.
You had sex with a stranger
in the coat room?
Coat room sex, huh?
Did you take off his
pants and jacket?
Ah...!
My grandmother's here.
She's dying.
Stan, I know you're upset.
Upset?
I'm just now finding out
my daughter
might not even be mine.
I can't believe it.
I mean, I changed her diapers,
I fed her, I clothed her,
I got her braces,
I sent her to college.
Holy , that guy
owes me so much money.
Hold on, Stan,
there's a good chance
Hayley is your daughter.
You and I had sex three
days after I was with him.
No, no, this all makes sense.
I can't believe
I never saw it before.
Hayley and I have never agreed
on a single thing:
the environment, health care,
favorite fast food mascot.
I say the Hamburglar
because he's an outlaw
and that's sexy as hell.
I don't remember
what Hayley said,
but it wasn't the Hamburglar,
so I didn't listen.
When I was a kid
we called him the Ham-booger.
Stan, come on, we have to
find out who this guy is,
just in case she
needs his kidney.
Fine.
Honey, I'm sorry
about all this.
Can you find it in your
heart to forgive me?
No, the Devil sent you
into my life to destroy it.
You make me sick.
I'm starting to think
my body language could
use some improvement.
Says here on your
mom's Facebook page
that Hayley's kidneys
have failed.
Goodness!
Her next update says your dad
might not be Hayley's father.
Six people "like" this.
So, that leaves you as
the next logical donor.
Oh.
You know how
they take kidneys out?
No.
You'll walk into your room
and there will be plastic sheets
all over the floor.
Before you can react, a man in a
ski mask will tie you to a chair
with an Indian braided belt he
got on vacation in Santa Fe.
He'll turn on some Huey Lewis,
and then cut the damn thing out
with a rusty keyhole saw.
No antiseptic.
No novocaine.
No nothing.
Just the song "Hip to Be Square"
drowning out
your boyish screams.
Now no one has anything.
Computer, locate all the male
patrons who were at The Button
in Crane's Creek three nights
before my wedding.
Researching.
Researching.
Zero results.
Oh come on, run it again.
You're a half-billion-dollar
super computer!
What do we do?
What do I say?
Just say something, we're
gonna lose the money!
Up-- update!
Updating iTunes.
Where did this come from?
We finally figured
out time travel.
Hmm.
This could come into play with
what's going on in my life.
Come on, boy.
Who wants a carrot?
Why are you so mean to me?
All I want to do is ride you
to McDonald's.
Okay, we're ready.
All right, we're just gonna find
the guy I slept with,
get his name,
and then look him up in
the present in case
Hayley needs his kidney.
I can't wait to give
this jerk the bill
for what it cost me
to raise her.
The only thing
I'm not charging him for
is circus camp.
That was my idea.
I was trying to live
vicariously through her.
That's on me.
But does that really
make me a bad guy,
wanting my daughter
to be in Cavalia,
the greatest show
Larry King's ever seen?
And don't forget,
you absolutely have
to transport back by midnight.
What happens if we don't get
back before midnight?
Duper made it back
at 12:02.
I did it, though.
I took a way better
high school photo.
Keep your eyes peeled
for your younger self.
She'll lead us
right to the guy.
Oh, remember this place, Stan?
Right over there
I slipped on a Beanie Baby
and tore my flannel shirt,
'cause it was
the '90s, you see.
I don't want
to reminisce with you.
Let's just find this guy,
get his name
and get out of here.
Look! There you are!
To Madonna,
a wonderful person who will
never become a ghoulish mummy
with bird-like appendages!
I gotta say, Francine,
I'm really surprised
you're getting married.
Yeah, but when you find
the right person...
Whoa-whoa, whoa-whoa, whoa-whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Think about it.
The same guy, the same thing,
day after day,
year after year until you die.
Oh, God!
Come on.
You're not married yet!
And neither am I!
Hey, who wants to see
if my Valtrex is working?!
That must be him!
He doesn't look
like anything special.
I remember him being
super smooth.
Baby, would you like
to sit down?
Here, let me wipe
your seat off for you.
Bah!
There I am, taking him
to the coatroom.
Let's get his name
and get out of here.
Fine. I'll pick his pocket and
look at his driver's license.
...and then I add
candied almonds
and sprinkle it
with some blue cheese.
Sounds like a really
good salad.
Yeah, it's the best salad ever.
So do you wanna have
sex with me or...
I don't know.
I got a lot of salads
to think up.
Stop watching.
Just get the wallet.
You're so into it!
Oh, I see you have no problem
kissing him there
without a shower!
Shh!
His name is Joel Larsen.
Great. Let's go!
A down payment for all
the night retainers she lost.
Mmm, that's nice.
That is not nice, young lady!
You are getting
married in three days!
What do you think you're doing?
Not tucking my tank top
into my underwear,
that's for sure.
So weird.
You remind me of my fiancé,
but much older and fatter.
Look, in the future there's
a place called Jamba Juice
and they make you think it's healthy,
but it just makes you fat.
I don't know
what I was thinking!
I can't do this!
Thanks a lot, jerk.
Bluh-bluh-bluh-bluh-
bluh-bluh-bluh... blocked!
Stan, what the hell
did you do?!
I couldn't just watch that!
Besides, what are you
so mad about?
That I broke up
your little humpfest?
Yes, exactly!
Because if that guy
is Hayley's father,
then Hayley will no
longer exist in the present!
Oh. Right.
Look at you,
understanding time travel.
We have to fix this!
We have to get young me
to sleep with that
guy by midnight.
That's right, Stan,
you gotta get me laid!
I think I can help you
with that.
Coat dwarf!
I forgot what a problem
coat dwarfs were in the '90s.
Where'd your friend
Francine go?!
She has to have sex
with that guy over there!
Bah!
She got upset over something
and went
to her fiancé's apartment.
Hey, you kind of look like him,
except older and fatter.
In the future,
you live in a cheap motel
and drive a Pontiac Fiero.
I get a Pontiac Fiero?!
I almost made the
biggest mistake of my life.
The important thing is
that you didn't go
through with it.
Don't freak out!
Who, who are you?
We're you...
from the future.
How is that possible?!
I know it sounds crazy,
but we can explain everything.
And through expanding
the wormhole,
we were able
to transport into the past.
So... time travel?
Like Back to the Future?
Oh, yeah,
Back to the Future came out.
I could've just said
"like Back to the Future."
Okay, we believe you.
So you're in?
You expect me to help my fiancée
have sex with a stranger?
In public, unprotected, yes.
I'm done drinking
and fooling around.
I'm not sleeping with
anyone except my Stan!
But you have to!
Well, if she is my daughter,
then she'll exist,
and if she's not my daughter,
why would I care?
Because...
Because you're me and we put so
much time into her.
You're gonna feed her, and sing
to her when she's sick,
and, and go to her school plays,
and buy her bunnies
and run over her bunnies
and buy her new bunnies
before she finds out.
Sure, she's a pain in the ass,
but we raised her.
So regardless of who her
biological father is,
she's our daughter,
and she deserves to exist!
That all may be true,
but there's nothing
on this planet
that could get me wasted enough
to sleep with that guy.
I'm sorry.
Roger that.
Roger!
Elian?
Is that you, baby?
Come on in. You're safe here.
I will not send you back
to Coo-ba.
Dr. Ya Ya?
We'd like to talk to you
about getting some ecstasy.
What do you know about ecstasy?
Only that you created it.
I'm trying to create it,
me and my roommate Dave.
We're very close
to cracking the formula.
We have the MDM,
but we're missing something.
Of course!
Amphetamine!
The missing ingredient!
That's my stationery.
My handwriting?
How did you get this?
Who are you?
We're time travelers
from the future.
Now, I'm sure you have
a lot of questions...
Nope, I'm good.
We only have until midnight!
Tell us where we can get
some amphetamines!
Dave's been partying
for four days straight.
He's a great artist.
He painted the painting
you see behind me.
Let's see what we have, some
downers, yellow jackets,
a Tinkerbell keychain
which I will hold onto...
Ah! Here we go!
Amphetamines!
Oh, my God!
I have such a feeling
of euphoria!
I, I... Glow stick dance!
Dave, look at me!
Our years of research have
finally paid off!
This will make your younger self
totally uninhibited.
How can I ever repay you?
Someday I'll call on
you for a favor.
Cryptic!
And there's the guy.
Damn...
you're fine...
Why you so fine...?
You gotta go sleep
with that girl, bro.
She's getting married.
She's not interested.
We drugged her.
She's good to go!
Noice!
FYI, the Giants win
the Super Bowl.
I'm not sure which year,
so just bet everything
you have every year.
Stan, we've gotta go!
It's 11:57!
Oh, and hey...
at some point in the future,
you're gonna try
to squat 300 pounds at the gym,
and it's too much,
and you're gonna blow out
your sphincter, bro,
in front of all these gym dudes.
The paramedics have
to cut your pants off,
and it looks like you're casing
sausage out of your butt.
Just, just don't do it.
Hey!
Aw, Duper, you got in my sock!
Sorry it took so long.
I found out my girlfriend I'm
living with is a prostitute!
It's pretty heavy stuff, man!
Shut it!
Mr. Smith,
your results are in.
No, Doc, I want you
to take out my kidney
regardless of what it says
inside that envelope.
My kidney
or Joel Larsen's kidney,
one of them will be a match.
I don't want to know
which one you use.
She's my daughter,
no matter what.
Mr. Smith, just curious.
How did you get
the other kidney?
I called in a favor.
♪ It's hip to be square... ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Aah!
Mmm!
Damn it.
Mmm, this bagel is so good.
It's Thomas'.
They made a bagel just like...
...a real New York bagel.
Hey, taxi!
This is the most amazing bagel.
I wish I could tell
more people about it,
strangers even.
Why not get on Facebook?
What's that?
It's the Web site you go to
when you're done yanking it.
Here, I'll set you up, Mom.
Do people really care
what I just ate?
Facebook is all
about reconnecting.
Give me the name
of someone from your past.
How about Kelly Wilk?
No!
I forbid you
to locate Kelly Wilk.
Which, of course,
means I have to.
Oh, my God, that's Kelly.
I haven't seen her in 20 years.
They called her
The Kidney Killer
because she made
people party so hard,
their kidneys would shut down.
We used to go down
to this club called The Button
and get destroyed.
One time I passed out hugging
the toilet bowl,
my face two inches from a turd
somebody left on the seat.
Ah, I miss it.
I know The Button.
I used to cruise and
sell ecstasy there.
You know, I created ecstasy.
You didn't create
ecstasy, Roger.
I did too create ecstasy.
I'll prove it.
Klaus, my files.
I am not your secretary.
Now I am.
Nonsense.
Excuse me.
Mom, Kelly lives
in D.C.
You should friend her.
Do not friend her.
Kelly is too wild.
No good can come of it.
Come on, let Mom have
some fun once in a while.
Why don't you ever
take my side?
Because your side
is always wrong.
Your side is always wrong.
Ow!
Ha-ha,
can't get me.
Come on, Mom, it might be fun
to reconnect after 20 years.
Sure, I'm game.
Oh, my God, that must be her.
Party till you puke!
Kelly, you crazy...
Francine.
...nun!
Sister Wilk, actually.
As it says in Leviticus...
Ah, I don't know what the
it says in Leviticus!
I'm just messing with you!
Oh, you crazy tramp.
You haven't changed a bit.
Oh, Kelly, this is
my daughter Hayley.
Nice to meet you.
What's your tattoo say?
"Eat out more often."
Hey, what do you say we
grab some drinks? I'm in.
Hayley, you think you can hang?
Oh, trust me, I can hang.
Whoo-hoo!
Hey, you want to see
a real Pontiac Fiero?
You still have that?
Yeah, it's my good luck car.
I've only gotten 19 DUIs in it.
One, two, three!
Ooh.
Francine, you raised
a lightweight.
Bistore!
Bistore.
Oh, no.
That's right--
Ultimate Kellys.
What's, what's in it?
Don't worry about it.
Let's just say it's why
Montel Williams has M.S.
Honey, you sit this one out.
They don't call her
The Kidney Killer for nothing.
No, I'm, I'm fine, I can hang.
♪ Take you back ♪
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ Take you back ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Take
you, take you... ♪
George, what's the matter?
The alcohol.
I can't take it anymore, Joe.
I'm, I'm shutting down.
What?
Georgie, no.
One, two, three!
Good-bye, Joe.
I'll always remember
that trip we took to the anus.
No!
I can't make it alone.
My insides hurt.
What happened?
Oh, Stan, we were out
having a drink with Kelly
and one
of Hayley's kidneys died,
and her other kidney is failing.
She's going to need
a transplant.
Oh, my God.
I'd give her mine,
but I only have one.
Kelly killed my other one
when we had
a tequila-pounding contest
with comedian George Wallace,
who went on to become
the second most famous black man
in a Kangol hat.
Who's the first most famous?
Samuel L. Jackson.
Then I guess I'll have
to give her one of my kidneys.
Or... we could
leave her hooked up
to a machine her whole life,
like me and my coffeemaker,
I tell you what.
What are you talking about?
She's my daughter.
I'm giving her my kidney.
I'm ready.
Somebody shave my groin.
I like it against the grain.
Stan, wait, I don't know
if you'll be a match.
What?
Don't be ridiculous.
Why wouldn't I be a match?
Well...
there's a chance
you're not Hayley's father.
I... might not be
Hayley's father?
You cheated on me?
I'm sorry.
It happened a few days
before our wedding
at my bachelorette party.
A few days before the wedding?!
While I was dealing
with small details
that ultimately made it
the most beautiful day
of my life?
A box of
flip-flops so the girls could dance.
I was freaking out that
my life was changing.
I was going from
being this party girl
to being someone's wife,
and I got drunk and--
oh, it was the biggest
mistake I ever made.
Can you ever forgive me?
You big whore.
I don't know why
I'm holding you like this.
It must be very confusing.
Mr. and Mrs.
Smith, bad news.
Your daughter's second kidney
is only working at 20%.
If it fails, she dies.
Hayley will likely need
a kidney transplant.
Well, I may not be compatible
because right before
our wedding,
my wife had warm-up sex
with another man.
I can test to see if
you're her father,
but it'll take a few days.
Your insurance is terrible.
It won't pay for us to
overnight your samples
to the lab in Dallas, so
we'll have to use Robby.
I'm Robby!
I'm not allowed to stay
up and watch Castle!
In the meantime, you'd better
track down the other man
you slept with, in case
your daughter needs that kidney.
So who is he, Francine?
I'm not sure.
Just someone I m in a bar and
had sex with in the coat room.
You had sex with a stranger
in the coat room?
Coat room sex, huh?
Did you take off his
pants and jacket?
Ah...!
My grandmother's here.
She's dying.
Stan, I know you're upset.
Upset?
I'm just now finding out
my daughter
might not even be mine.
I can't believe it.
I mean, I changed her diapers,
I fed her, I clothed her,
I got her braces,
I sent her to college.
Holy , that guy
owes me so much money.
Hold on, Stan,
there's a good chance
Hayley is your daughter.
You and I had sex three
days after I was with him.
No, no, this all makes sense.
I can't believe
I never saw it before.
Hayley and I have never agreed
on a single thing:
the environment, health care,
favorite fast food mascot.
I say the Hamburglar
because he's an outlaw
and that's sexy as hell.
I don't remember
what Hayley said,
but it wasn't the Hamburglar,
so I didn't listen.
When I was a kid
we called him the Ham-booger.
Stan, come on, we have to
find out who this guy is,
just in case she
needs his kidney.
Fine.
Honey, I'm sorry
about all this.
Can you find it in your
heart to forgive me?
No, the Devil sent you
into my life to destroy it.
You make me sick.
I'm starting to think
my body language could
use some improvement.
Says here on your
mom's Facebook page
that Hayley's kidneys
have failed.
Goodness!
Her next update says your dad
might not be Hayley's father.
Six people "like" this.
So, that leaves you as
the next logical donor.
Oh.
You know how
they take kidneys out?
No.
You'll walk into your room
and there will be plastic sheets
all over the floor.
Before you can react, a man in a
ski mask will tie you to a chair
with an Indian braided belt he
got on vacation in Santa Fe.
He'll turn on some Huey Lewis,
and then cut the damn thing out
with a rusty keyhole saw.
No antiseptic.
No novocaine.
No nothing.
Just the song "Hip to Be Square"
drowning out
your boyish screams.
Now no one has anything.
Computer, locate all the male
patrons who were at The Button
in Crane's Creek three nights
before my wedding.
Researching.
Researching.
Zero results.
Oh come on, run it again.
You're a half-billion-dollar
super computer!
What do we do?
What do I say?
Just say something, we're
gonna lose the money!
Up-- update!
Updating iTunes.
Where did this come from?
We finally figured
out time travel.
Hmm.
This could come into play with
what's going on in my life.
Come on, boy.
Who wants a carrot?
Why are you so mean to me?
All I want to do is ride you
to McDonald's.
Okay, we're ready.
All right, we're just gonna find
the guy I slept with,
get his name,
and then look him up in
the present in case
Hayley needs his kidney.
I can't wait to give
this jerk the bill
for what it cost me
to raise her.
The only thing
I'm not charging him for
is circus camp.
That was my idea.
I was trying to live
vicariously through her.
That's on me.
But does that really
make me a bad guy,
wanting my daughter
to be in Cavalia,
the greatest show
Larry King's ever seen?
And don't forget,
you absolutely have
to transport back by midnight.
What happens if we don't get
back before midnight?
Duper made it back
at 12:02.
I did it, though.
I took a way better
high school photo.
Keep your eyes peeled
for your younger self.
She'll lead us
right to the guy.
Oh, remember this place, Stan?
Right over there
I slipped on a Beanie Baby
and tore my flannel shirt,
'cause it was
the '90s, you see.
I don't want
to reminisce with you.
Let's just find this guy,
get his name
and get out of here.
Look! There you are!
To Madonna,
a wonderful person who will
never become a ghoulish mummy
with bird-like appendages!
I gotta say, Francine,
I'm really surprised
you're getting married.
Yeah, but when you find
the right person...
Whoa-whoa, whoa-whoa, whoa-whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Think about it.
The same guy, the same thing,
day after day,
year after year until you die.
Oh, God!
Come on.
You're not married yet!
And neither am I!
Hey, who wants to see
if my Valtrex is working?!
That must be him!
He doesn't look
like anything special.
I remember him being
super smooth.
Baby, would you like
to sit down?
Here, let me wipe
your seat off for you.
Bah!
There I am, taking him
to the coatroom.
Let's get his name
and get out of here.
Fine. I'll pick his pocket and
look at his driver's license.
...and then I add
candied almonds
and sprinkle it
with some blue cheese.
Sounds like a really
good salad.
Yeah, it's the best salad ever.
So do you wanna have
sex with me or...
I don't know.
I got a lot of salads
to think up.
Stop watching.
Just get the wallet.
You're so into it!
Oh, I see you have no problem
kissing him there
without a shower!
Shh!
His name is Joel Larsen.
Great. Let's go!
A down payment for all
the night retainers she lost.
Mmm, that's nice.
That is not nice, young lady!
You are getting
married in three days!
What do you think you're doing?
Not tucking my tank top
into my underwear,
that's for sure.
So weird.
You remind me of my fiancé,
but much older and fatter.
Look, in the future there's
a place called Jamba Juice
and they make you think it's healthy,
but it just makes you fat.
I don't know
what I was thinking!
I can't do this!
Thanks a lot, jerk.
Bluh-bluh-bluh-bluh-
bluh-bluh-bluh... blocked!
Stan, what the hell
did you do?!
I couldn't just watch that!
Besides, what are you
so mad about?
That I broke up
your little humpfest?
Yes, exactly!
Because if that guy
is Hayley's father,
then Hayley will no
longer exist in the present!
Oh. Right.
Look at you,
understanding time travel.
We have to fix this!
We have to get young me
to sleep with that
guy by midnight.
That's right, Stan,
you gotta get me laid!
I think I can help you
with that.
Coat dwarf!
I forgot what a problem
coat dwarfs were in the '90s.
Where'd your friend
Francine go?!
She has to have sex
with that guy over there!
Bah!
She got upset over something
and went
to her fiancé's apartment.
Hey, you kind of look like him,
except older and fatter.
In the future,
you live in a cheap motel
and drive a Pontiac Fiero.
I get a Pontiac Fiero?!
I almost made the
biggest mistake of my life.
The important thing is
that you didn't go
through with it.
Don't freak out!
Who, who are you?
We're you...
from the future.
How is that possible?!
I know it sounds crazy,
but we can explain everything.
And through expanding
the wormhole,
we were able
to transport into the past.
So... time travel?
Like Back to the Future?
Oh, yeah,
Back to the Future came out.
I could've just said
"like Back to the Future."
Okay, we believe you.
So you're in?
You expect me to help my fiancée
have sex with a stranger?
In public, unprotected, yes.
I'm done drinking
and fooling around.
I'm not sleeping with
anyone except my Stan!
But you have to!
Well, if she is my daughter,
then she'll exist,
and if she's not my daughter,
why would I care?
Because...
Because you're me and we put so
much time into her.
You're gonna feed her, and sing
to her when she's sick,
and, and go to her school plays,
and buy her bunnies
and run over her bunnies
and buy her new bunnies
before she finds out.
Sure, she's a pain in the ass,
but we raised her.
So regardless of who her
biological father is,
she's our daughter,
and she deserves to exist!
That all may be true,
but there's nothing
on this planet
that could get me wasted enough
to sleep with that guy.
I'm sorry.
Roger that.
Roger!
Elian?
Is that you, baby?
Come on in. You're safe here.
I will not send you back
to Coo-ba.
Dr. Ya Ya?
We'd like to talk to you
about getting some ecstasy.
What do you know about ecstasy?
Only that you created it.
I'm trying to create it,
me and my roommate Dave.
We're very close
to cracking the formula.
We have the MDM,
but we're missing something.
Of course!
Amphetamine!
The missing ingredient!
That's my stationery.
My handwriting?
How did you get this?
Who are you?
We're time travelers
from the future.
Now, I'm sure you have
a lot of questions...
Nope, I'm good.
We only have until midnight!
Tell us where we can get
some amphetamines!
Dave's been partying
for four days straight.
He's a great artist.
He painted the painting
you see behind me.
Let's see what we have, some
downers, yellow jackets,
a Tinkerbell keychain
which I will hold onto...
Ah! Here we go!
Amphetamines!
Oh, my God!
I have such a feeling
of euphoria!
I, I... Glow stick dance!
Dave, look at me!
Our years of research have
finally paid off!
This will make your younger self
totally uninhibited.
How can I ever repay you?
Someday I'll call on
you for a favor.
Cryptic!
And there's the guy.
Damn...
you're fine...
Why you so fine...?
You gotta go sleep
with that girl, bro.
She's getting married.
She's not interested.
We drugged her.
She's good to go!
Noice!
FYI, the Giants win
the Super Bowl.
I'm not sure which year,
so just bet everything
you have every year.
Stan, we've gotta go!
It's 11:57!
Oh, and hey...
at some point in the future,
you're gonna try
to squat 300 pounds at the gym,
and it's too much,
and you're gonna blow out
your sphincter, bro,
in front of all these gym dudes.
The paramedics have
to cut your pants off,
and it looks like you're casing
sausage out of your butt.
Just, just don't do it.
Hey!
Aw, Duper, you got in my sock!
Sorry it took so long.
I found out my girlfriend I'm
living with is a prostitute!
It's pretty heavy stuff, man!
Shut it!
Mr. Smith,
your results are in.
No, Doc, I want you
to take out my kidney
regardless of what it says
inside that envelope.
My kidney
or Joel Larsen's kidney,
one of them will be a match.
I don't want to know
which one you use.
She's my daughter,
no matter what.
Mr. Smith, just curious.
How did you get
the other kidney?
I called in a favor.
♪ It's hip to be square... ♪