American Dad! (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 8 - G-String Circus - full transcript

(upbeat March plays)

¶ good morning, usa! ¶

¶ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ¶

¶ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶

¶ and he's shining a salute
to the american race ¶

¶ oh, boy,
it's swell to say... ¶

¶ good morning, usa! ¶

Ah!

I have an announcement
to make.

I'm taking a
semester off.

Oh, what did you say?



I was listening to my spit-take
instructional tape.

I'm taking a semester
off from school.

I can't do it
without the tape.

I hesitated.

I'm just,
I'm thinking too much.

Hayley, what are you
talking about?

I'm going to devote my time
to the heifer project.

(gasps) no daughter of mine
is going into fatty porn!

The heifer project is a charity
that provides livestock

To families
in impoverished countries.

So what, you're going over
to africa?

No, I'm going to start
my own business

And give the heifer project
the proceeds.

I know the perfect business
for you to open up!



A dry cleaners!

There's a huge segment
of the population

That is tired of having their
clothes cleaned by koreans.

I am a part of that segment.

Actually, I already have
a business idea--

Organic mulch.

Ugh, that's a terrible idea.

Hayley, listen to me.

I'm giving you good advice.

Take it.
Dad, I'm 18,

I don't need your
advice anymore.

Roger:
I'll take your advice.

If it's love advice.

So, my man say he been workin'
late, but then trina call me

And tell me she seen
his ass in the club!

But then when I ask him
about this nonsense,

He tell me he loves me.

How do I make him
tell me the truth,

But keep our love
million-dollar strong?

Smith, why so glum?

The "c" in cia doesn't stand
for "crestfallen."

But what if
it stood for "cat?"

Hmm.

So what's bothering you?

Hayley doesn't want
my advice anymore.

Sir, I have terrible news!

I was just doing the
end-of-the-year accounting.

We still have money
left in our budget.

If we don't spend it by the
end of the fiscal year,

They'll cut our budget
for next year!

Damn it, robertson,
speak to me in english.

We have to spend $50,000
by midnight!

Get me everyone.

Everyone?
Everyone!

That's not really my job.

You're right,
it's not your job.

Inform lorraine, have
her send a mass e-mail.

Now, give me a hug.

You scared me.

(bullock hums
a soothing tune)

We're okay.

(continues humming)

Gentlemen, do whatever it takes
to empty our coffers:

Lap dances, champagne dances,
shower dances.

Oh, the things you can buy
with a handful of bills.

It makes me excited,
it gives me the chills!

There'll be filch-arounds,
breeders, hambones and tweeners,

Zobos and debos
and blorps that go eener.

For a one dollar bill you can
pull down their zippers.

I am the snorax,
I speak for the strippers!

Sir.
Hmm?

Sir, this place is filled
with women of ill-repute.

I'm a little uncomfortable.

Damn it, smith,
you think I'm not?!

I'm terrified!

Give this man your finest
trouser arouser.

And you, strangle me
while I brush your hair.

I did it!

I got into space camp!

Seven days of awesomeness
starts tomorrow.

Wow, I wanna go.

Sorry, "roget."

Space camp is
a special privilege

For a select group.

You wouldn't fit in.

Wha-- but it's about space!

I'm from there!

Maybe, but you
weren't invited.

Only a chosen few get to
rub elbows with astronauts

And float weightless in
billion-dollar simulators.

Maybe you should
go to fat camp.

Damn!

Because you're taking up
so much space right now.

Oh, damn!
(laughing)

Look, just forget it and go
back to surgery or whatever.

But I want
to go to space camp!

I'm done with surgery!

I already lost the patient.

Roger:
You know, the thing about
working in a hospital

Is if you don't have
a funny black friend,

Things get pretty boring.

Vanilla bear!

Let's go grab a beer
and see what carla

And the mean janitor
are doing!

(screaming)
take whatever you want!

(rhythmic music playing,
men whooping)

(laughing)
yeah!

Ho-ho!

Is everything okay?

Um, this isn't really my thing.

Maybe this is your thing.

Oh, god! Leg cramp!

Are you all right?

I'm still sexy!

I'm still sexy
for you, baby!

Cramp, huh?

You need to get
a banana in you.

Uh, I don't do that, sir.

No, you need
to eat a banana.

You have a
potassium deficiency.

Hey, shirley,
banana daiquiri, please.

Wow, you listened to me.

Sure, you seem like
you know a thing or two.

You're right.

I do know a thing or two.

I'm stan.

I'm tanqueray.

Tanqueray, let me
break it down for you.

Exposing your body
for money is wrong.

The only people who should
see you naked are your mother,

Your doctor and your
best friend in third grade.

Just that one time,
under the waterfall.

Jeremy davis.

The point is, you could do
so much more with your life.

You really think so?

Take my advice,
you really can.

(gasps)
you were right!

I'm better!
See?

Wish my daughter listened
as well as you do.

If she could just see...

Hey, tanqueray, how would
you like to operate

Your own dry cleaners?

I don't know. Yes?
I don't know.

You know.

Come, take a drive
with a stranger.

(bullock grunting)

(groaning)

More, more!

(grunting, groaning)

Yeah, I so deserve this.

Do it!

(grunting
with each impact)

Hayley, it's impolite
to fiddle with trash.

It's not trash.

I'm collecting organic compounds
for the mulch I'm developing.

Well, good for you.

You don't have to be
such a bitch about it.

(door opens, closes)

What a day.

I am pooped.

Stan, who's this?

Oh, right.

Everyone, this is tanqueray.

She's moving in!

I'm gonna make her
a success.

Oh, we're wearing
the same outfit.

Take a good
look, sweetie.

This is how
you wear that.

Yeah!

Nine years of
gymnastics, bitch.

Roger, please show tanqueray
to steve's room.

She'll sleep there
while he's at space camp.

And get her
out of those clothes.

And then rob her, kill her,
cut off her head and hands

And bury her by
the crick-- got it.

Actually, no,
just get her changed.

Oh, we just avoided a
funny misunderstanding.

I almost cut
your hands off!

All right, come on,
I'll race you upstairs.

Stan, what is going on?

Hayley had her chance
to benefit from my
wisdom and guidance.

Now that's all going
to tanqueray.

I'm gonna transform her
from scum of the earth

To captain of industry!

Uh, hey, hayley, can you
come over here a second?

I wanna show you something.

What, uh, what did
hayley's face look like

When I just told her all that?

Is she regretting not
taking my advice yet?

What?

Oh, did I call you over?

I-I meant your mother.

Hey, francine.

Can you, uh,
take a look at this?

The first step
in teaching tanqueray

To run a successful business
is enrolling her in school.

Tanqueray.

Tanqueray, wake up.

Your skanking days are over.

Your new business school
classes start in half an hour.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
no, no, no, no, no!

Don't ever let me
see you naked, okay?

I'm sorry.

It's all right.

No harm done.

I'm completely fine.

Just meet me in the car
in 15 minutes.

Francine, meet me
in the shower immediately.

(chattering)

(cheering)

Welcome... To a space camp!

You guys are in for a treat,

Because instead of doing our
normal space camp activities,

We'll be spending all week

Meeting nasa's
earthbound heroes:

Our wonderful
administrative support staff!

(light applause)

Uh, but we're still going to be
doing cool space stuff, right?

Like flight simulation,

Or maybe a turn
with that jet pack?

Nope, that was last week
or next week.

Now, put your hands together

For the members of today's
eight-hour panel!

First up, head of human
resources, judith collins!

Next, director of payroll
disbursement, karen snur!

Houston, we don't
have a problem

With any of our
building's paint,

Thanks to acting head
of paint and plaster repair,

Art... Fitzgerald-yee!
Art!

Keep it going for vice
president of peer mentoring:

Ellen "the duck" ducker.

(quacking)

(laughing)
(quacking)

There's my little
future dry cleaner!

How was your exam today?

It made me sad until
I drew a bird on it.

You didn't turn it in?!

Guess what, you guys?

The city decided
to use my mulch!

They've ordered a hundred bags!

That buys the heifer project
a hen and half a burro.

Congratulations, honey!

How's tanqueray doing?

Is she a dry cleaning mogul?

Is she getting a de-luxe
apartment in the sky?

(chuckling smugly)

I don't know if that's funny
enough for you to leave on!

Stan, why don't you just admit
your plan isn't working?

Hayley's doing
fine on her own.

And tanqueray's obviously
not cut out for school.

I colored my bird.

You're right, francine.

I'm gonna take her
out of school

And go straight to
phase two of my plan.

Four more strippers!

They're moving in
with tanqueray.

Stan, that's four more
mouths to feed!

And eight more hands to work

The dry cleaning business
I bought this morning.

What?!
Don't worry, honey.

When it takes off,
we'll be rich.

Hayley's gonna be so sorry
she didn't listen to me.

All right, let's get
you ladies settled in.

Now, some ground rules.

All of you are gonna get on
my menstrual cycle,

Which begins next Wednesday.

Anyone on their flow right now?

Stop.

Stop it, okay?

Stop.

This place blows.

I can't believe we're
stuck here all week.

My bed is short
and wide!

You're sleeping
the wrong way!

Hey, it's a message
from home.

"start streaming
this video."

Oh, thank god, some contact
with the outside world!

¶ ¶

Hey, that's my room!

Hey steve, remember how you said
I couldn't go to space camp?

Well, check it out,
you smug little bastard:

Five strippers
are living in your room

And they're totally horny.

Melinda, allison, go!

(moaning)

Ooh!

They're kissing where we
practice kissing!

We gotta get home.

We gotta break
out of this place.

See you in hell, (bleep)!

Okay, girls.

Pillow fight!

Oops! Forgot I put
some sodas in there.

Ladies, six of the ten
richest men in america

Made their fortune off of dry
cleaning or other businesses.

So let's get in there
and make some money!

(cheering)

Oh, man-- landlord
gave me the wrong key.

Jackass, coked-up armenian.

It's all right.

We can do what we want.
It's our door.

(shattering)

This is not our dry cleaners.

I think we're a block over.
Go, go, go, go, go.

Girls, I don't understand.

Why don't we have
any customers?

Well, sometimes it takes a while
for a business to get going.

Like when bosoms opened up.

No one went to bosoms, right,
and now people go to bosoms.

(door opening)
(gasps)

Oh, hi. Sorry.

Are you still helping
number zero?

Because I'm next.

I'm one.
What do you want, hayley?

I just wanted to give you
a store-warming present.

A bag of my mulch.

It's filled with crap,
just like you.

Now that is funny enough
for you to leave on!

So, how's business?

Great! Look at all
the clothes we have!

Okay, I'm going to explain
this one more time.

I bought the clothes
and spruced up the store

So it would look like
we have customers,

Thus attracting
real customers.

What is so hard to understand
about that?

The other girls get it.

Right, deborah?

(gasping)

(deep inhale)

I'm hungry.

Come on, we need
to make this work!

For god's sake, I bought a
floor-length chinchilla here!

Maybe we should all just go back
to stripping like tanqueray.

Wait, tanqueray's doing what?!

She felt bad your business
was failing,

So she went to the strip club
to make your money back.

No, no!

If she goes back to stripping,
then I've failed,

And hayley was right
not to listen to me.

I can't let that happen!

Hey, has stan tried to rape
either of you guys yet?

No.
No.

That's weird,
right?

(ladies cheering)

Is tanqueray here?

(gentle, feminine voice):
Oh, no, she worked
this afternoon,

But now it's ladies' night,
so she went home.

Wow, your voice is sweet.

Yeah, my gonads are tucked
inside my abdomen.

I was born with what doctors
call "bashful testicles."

Oh.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Stan, we just got a call
from the bank.

They say we haven't paid our
car payment or the mortgage.

Is this because you sunk all
our money into the dry cleaners?

Let's look at the positives
here, francine.

I could've been born
with bashful testicles.

You tell the bank
to think about that.

Man:
You!

With the sixty-inch chest.

How hairy are you?
What?

Uh...

Damn it, I don't have time
for you to estimate!

Yes!

You're perfect!

I had three dancers
cancel on me.

How'd you like
to make $600.

A day?
An hour!

Tax-free, all cash.

I really can't-- cash?

If you're having
money problems,

This could be your
possible solution.

What do I do?

Now gyrate!

Come on, shake it!

Yeah, you're a natural.

Now rip my pants off.

Do it!

Now kiss me!
What?

I said get out there!

Protect yourself, victor.

I can't take another
heartbreak right now.

How's the mulch business
going, sweetie?

Well, I'm not doing
as well as I thought.

Once I paid all my
costs and taxes,

I'm barely breaking even.

Well, look, maybe you should
forget about

All those starving kids
you let down

And think about how long
you've been single.

Mom!
Join a gym!

Check it out, I'm back.

Bam!

Told you the dry cleaning
business would be a success.

My advice is so good, even
strippers can benefit from it.

Bong! Zing!

This is all
from dry cleaning?

That's right, baby.

We turned it around.

Francine, I found
this g-string outside.

Please wash it and then
I will put it back outside.

(screaming)

(screaming continues)

(yelling)

(screaming)

(all screaming)

(sirens blaring,
dogs barking)

(techno dance music playing)

(women cheering)

How are they?

Typical Tuesday crowd.

Everybody wants to grab it
but nobody wants to pay for it.

Worst part is I keep
getting aroused.

How long before the
dance (bleep) go away?

You can still get erections?

You're straight?

(women cheering)

I don't know if I want
to be here, roger.

Come on, a little (bleep)
will cheer you right up.

So your mulch business
is going under.

It's not the end of the world.

Yeah, it just means
my dad was right.

Are you supposed to be
pregnant or fat?

Eight months preggers.

They don't make you buy
the two-drink minimum

When you're knocked up.

Snuck in my own.

This is a party ball.

(liquid trickling)

Ah, perfect pour.

That, however,
was urine I just drank.

(cheering, howling)

I'm starting to get
the very bad feeling

That none of these boys

Are going to go
full pickle tonight.

Dj: Okay, ladies,
open up your purses

And show some love
for a real renaissance man:

Michael dangle-low!

¶ ¶

(cheers and screams)

Oh, my god.

I know, look at that meat!

French me for a 20!

Roger, that's my dad!

Stan?!

Ooh!

(screaming)

Hayley, this isn't how
I wanted you to find out,

But your daddy is
a brilliant painter.

Dad, is this where all the dry
cleaning money was coming from?

No wonder it was all
in crumpled ones.

You are such a liar!

Hayley, wait!

Hang on, I paid for
a three-song dance.

Not now, roger.
Vic!

Hey, shelly.
Hi, victor.

Listen, your stallion here is
trying to run out on his dance.

Vic, listen.
You listen.

Shelly was a dancer here for
three years, now she's family.

You keep her happy.

(groaning)

No, no!

Lean forward and look back.

That's what I like.

And make it rain,
make it rain, make it--

Look at me
like you're a virgin!

Oh, tanqueray, you leaving?

Yeah, I'm gonna try
and get in playboy.

I've got a lot of
good short stories.

This suitcase is filled
with science fiction.

I'm sorry my father
messed with your life

With his stupid advice.

I'm so pissed at him.

Hey, at least he's taking
an interest in you.

More than my dad ever did.

And besides, he can be
pretty smart sometimes.

He was right about
putting a banana in me.

Well, goodbye.

(car starting)

Did that girl just leave?

I think she stole
my jewelry!

Hayley, I'm sorry.

I didn't want to admit
my dry cleaning business

Was a bad idea

And well, the truth is,
you were right.

You're 18; you don't need
my advice anymore.

Yeah, maybe I don't.

But it's nice to know you
care enough to offer it.

The good silver's missing!

I'm calling the police!

Actually, I pawned it all
to pay down my debt.

You know, nothing cheers you up
like being in a pawn shop.

Because chances are,
you're going to see

A flintstones alarm clock.

Steve, where are
the strippers?!

I don't know!

Hey, look who's back!

Where are the girls?!

Oh, you missed them.
They're gone.

(all groaning)

But here's a dirty g-string.

Enjoy.

(sniffing, sighing)

It's your dad's.

(guffawing)

I made it rain,
made it rain,

I made it rain
on them boys!