American Dad! (2005–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - Shallow Vows - full transcript

(upbeat March plays)

¶ good morning, usa! ¶

¶ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ¶

¶ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶

¶ and he's shining a salute
to the american race ¶

¶ oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶

¶ good morning, usa. ¶

And toyota. Moving forward.

(brakes squeal)

Klaus, I brought you a present
from the cia lab.

A fish with a human brain,
just like me?



¶ at last... ¶

No, it's just a regular fish.

They took its retinas out for
an eye-scanning experiment.

I brought the little blind guy
home to keep you company.

Well, enjoy.

Hey there, beautiful.

Bring that body over here.

Mm...
(slapping loudly)

Stan, my fanny!

¶ give me some of that
franny fanny ¶

¶ give me some of
that franny fanny ¶

¶ pump it up!
Pump it up! Pump it up! ¶

Both: ¶ give me some of that
franny fanny! ¶

¶ give me some of that
franny fanny! Give me... ¶



All right, enough of that.
It's clearly all chorus

And I won't
be a part of it.

You know, you've been getting
that franny fanny

For almost 20 years.
What, now?

You do remember our 20th wedding
anniversary's coming up, right?

Of course.

That's why I've planned
to, uh... To...

Have a magical ceremony
to renew your vows.

Roger, that's
a terrible...

(smooching)

Oh, stan. You always take
such good care of me.

Yep, I remember when stan came
to me months ago

And asked me
to plan the whole thing.

Right, stan?

Yes.

Great. Just cut me
that check for $6,800,

The budget
we agreed upon,

And I'll get started.

$6,800?

Oh, stan.

I'm so lucky to be married
to such a good provider.

Just make it out
to jeannie gold weddings.

Who's that?
Jeannie gold,

Wedding planner.

This is my emergency
wedding kit.

Everything you need
for last-minute snafus--

Needle and thread,
band-aids for sore heels,

Fake hymens for those
not-so-well-behaved

Middle eastern brides.

These beauties are packed
full of ox blood.

Trust me, that bedroom
will look like

The set of wes craven movie
the next morning.

You must be the children.
Jeannie gold.

I wanted to discuss the gift
you're buying your parents

For their anniversary.

I'm just going
to get them a card.

Sign my name to it,
"forever yours, s."

They'll know.

You'll do better
than a card.

It's their 20th.
China is the traditional gift.

Leave us alone, roger.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I went a little
ike turner,

Caught you
on the side of the head

So you can cover it
with your hair.

I don't want you bruised
for the photos.

That's how good I am.

Now find
a meaningful gift.

Disappoint me
and next time,

You'll be dealing
with valik.
Who?

(russian accent):
Listen to jeannie
or I cut you.

Roger:
Two weeks from today, francine,

You will be here,
walking down the aisle.

I've recreated the menu,
the flowers...

I even have a string quartet
playing the score

From room with a view.

We didn't have that
at our wedding.

After your reception, when you
and stan drove away in the limo,

You heard a song playing
from a third story window.

You didn't know what it was,

But secretly wished you had
walked down the aisle to it.

How did you...

I never shared
that with anyone.

Last Wednesday,
when you were in the bath,

I snuck up
and ethered you good.

While in your twilight state,
you admitted your regret.

You hummed that song for me.

I had a top musicologist
beside me and he identified it.

He saw me naked?

Honey, please.
He's a musicologist.

He sees it every day.

Here's the number
of my tailor.

He can let
your wedding dress out.

Oh, I don't need to.

It still fits.

Really? Look at you.

She is just beautiful.

That's the reason
I married her.

Well, that's not
the only reason.

Yes, it is.

There was nothing else?

Nope.

Just my appearance?

That is correct.

What he means is,

Your beauty emanates
from within.

No, I don't.

You know, I'm not so sure
I want to renew vows with...

Don't give up
on this, francine.

There were good times.

Think back.
He must have done something

To show his love was true.

(belches)

Ignore that.
Steak-ums.

Well, two weeks
before our wedding,

Stan and I agreed not
to see each other.

At the ceremony, when I
stepped out of the limo,

He ran to me, picked me
up and swung me around

And told me he never wanted
to be away from me again.

But now I realize
he only loved me for my looks.

What? He was joking.

Stan, tell her.

Oh. Y-yeah, of course.
I was joking.

I love you for more
than your looks.

You have no sense of humor.

Good thing you're pretty.

Oh, another joke.
Shut up, stan.

You're too funny.

Okay, here's
what we're going to do.

Just like before, you won't
see each other for two weeks,

Then we'll recreate your reunion
at the wedding.

I'll film the whole thing
and make it an extra on the dvd

Along with the musicologist
touching you in the bath.

I'm kidding.
At least I think I'm kidding.

I left him alone with her for
a half hour while I took a nap.

What do you
say, honey?

Okay, roger.
Let's do it.

It's still on.

I'm jeannie gold,
wedding planner extraordinaire.

And a survivor.

He'll see you in two weeks,
just like before.

(smooching)

I got to hand it to you.
You're doing a great job.

Are you hitting on me?
What?

This happens all the time.

I will not let you
ruin your wedding.

I will give you a handy jay
to keep you out of trouble.

Can I help you
find something?

We're looking for some china

For our parents
20th anniversary gift.

What do you have
for under 30 bucks?

These porcelain
thimbles.

We'll take them.
Them?

No, it's $30 for one.

Just put it in your
largest free box.

I'll be paying
with a combination

Of change, check, and
the value of this dance.

May I?

Oh, I shouldn't,
but yes.

(steve humming a waltz)

You! Idiot boy!

Put some stones
on the bridal runner,

So the breeze won't take it.

You, distribute these bags
of rice to the guests.

Our policy is not to throw
rice. It's bad for the birds.

Screw the birds! Here's
what I think of the birds!

(squawking)

Roger, where... Aw.

Where's francine?

Francine is on her way
with her parents.

Stan, these are my sons
alex and ron.

They're in columbia film school.

How is that possible?

I know. I look too young
to have kids in college.

No, that you have children

When your persona
is totally fabricated.

We are the music makers.

We are the dreamers of dreams.

That is an
unsatisfying answer.

You kids bought the gift?

Oh, from landon's.
De-lovely!

You could put it
in a curio case.

You could sew with it.

A little mouse
could wear it for a hat.

The boy is to die first.

(screams)

(panting)

Man:
Here come the bride!

What happened?

Let me get that
for you, dear.

Bite down on this.

(whimpering)

(screaming)

(smooching loudly)

Good as new.
Don't go into shock.

Today's not about you.

Okay, everyone.
Places!

(string quartet playing)

Mom, here she comes!

I'm ready to renew our vows.

(stan gasps)
alex, ronnie, cut!

Mama's not making
a monster movie.

What are you looking for?

The makeup guy from norbit.

Rick baker, get out here,
you talented son of a bitch.

Stan, this is me.

What the hell happened?

I stopped doing
my beauty regimen.

And started her ugly regimen.

(laughing)

Oh, you boys keep me young.

You don't know what it
takes for me to look good.

After you leave for work,

I do the treadmill
until I throw up.

Then I go to my hairdresser

Where I get my roots
touched up,

Followed by a lunch
of iced tea and laxatives.

Then I wax my arms, legs,
and eyebrows,

While power lifting the couch

To tone the fanny
you love so much.

(gasps)

(ripping and screaming)

(grunting)

(footfalls approaching)

(heart pounding)

Ha... Lo.

Hey, beautiful.

And I also stopped
wearing my retainer.

Why are you
doing this?

Stan, we've been married
for 20 years,

And all this time, you've only
appreciated me for my looks?

I need you to love me
for who I am on the inside.

He does.
He totally does!

On with the show!
We'll meet you at the altar.

Oh, man. She scared me.
You see that?

I almost punched
her in the face.

Stan, remember,
the first rule of any wedding

Is the bride
is always beautiful.

The second rule
you can read on my web site.

You have to be 18
to log on.

I have some sexy
barnyard stuff on there

That is not for everyone.

I could get in
a lot of trouble.

If you do decide
to check it out,

You need to clear
your history right away.

You may need
to uninstall your browser.

I'm telling you,
scrub that thing clean.

If you think you're being
too cautious, you're not.

They will take us both
to jail.

("bridal chorus" plays)

It's worse when
she's in motion.

I can't go
through with this.

I'm just going
to sneak out.

I don't want to embarrass
anyone by making a scene.

(slapping and crashing)

(crashing, harp playing)

(harp playing)

Stan, can you get rid of this
fish corpse floating in my bowl?

It's starting to bum me out.

You ran out on
our wedding?!

To be fair,
to be fair, francine,

To be fair...
You're ugly.

This was a test to see if
you loved me for who I am,

And you failed!

I wasn't in the mood
to be tested!

Are you that shallow, stan?

If after 20 years of marriage,
you can find nothing more

To love about me than my looks,

Then I don't even know
why we're married.

Either you love me for who I am,
or lose me forever.

Okay, okay.

If it means
that much to you,

I'll try to get to know
the real you.

Honest?

Honest.

It'll be like dating
all over again.

Only this time, you'll be
the one with the moustache.

But, stan, wait!

The fish!

(sighs)

Well, I guess I could
make love to it

One more time before
the stench makes me vomit.

This is fun, huh?

There you go.

There it is.

Stan, an orthodox
jewish service

Is a very strange
place for a date.

Did you take me here so you
wouldn't have to look at me?

Francine, please.

The torah is out of the ark.

Show some respect.

¶ barachu adanoi hamvoraoh
laolom va-ed. ¶

(stan and francine panting)

I knew you could
get past my looks.

(sighs)

A hundred and nine.

A hundred and nine what?

That's it, stan!

We're through!

I want you out of this house!

No, you don't.

Whoa, whoa, francine,
be careful!

Lift with your
fat ugly legs,

Not your fat
ugly back.

I forgot my bathroom key.

So, you're here late?

Yeah, I got to clean up

After all those animals
you folks blinded.

(squawks)

Oh, looks like one got out.

No, I left the
cages open.

I can't afford to go
to the movies, so...

This makes me laugh.

I could use
a good laugh.

My wife kicked me out.

Ooh.

Is she fine?

'cause I'll give
a fine bitch a call.

No, she's not fine.

That's the problem.

I can't stand the sight of her.

But I love her.

I mean, she's my wife.

Well, you better
do something quick.

'cause you know they miss you
at first, but that wears off.

I don't know what to do.

(monkey squawking)

(laughing)

That stupid monkey.

Hello, stan.

I got your message.

Oh, francine, thank
you for meeting me.

Look, I know I've been
acting like an ass,

But I'm committed
to this.

Committed to us.

Oh, stan.

You're meeting me
in a public, well-lit place.

You're really trying.

I really am.

I already ordered some wine
so we can toast to our future.

There's a dog
doing a handstand on the label.

Stan, we can't
afford this.

Nothing but the best
for my lady.

Oh, I'll go
get a towel.

That's okay,
I'll just use my napkin.

That's better.

Stan, what is
going on with you?

I love you, francine, and
I didn't want to lose you,

But I can't get
past your looks.

So I did the only sensible thing
a man in my position would do.

I had my
retinas removed.

I'm completely
blind!

(gasps)

A toast! To us.

I can't believe
what stan did.

Wait!

Ready.

He took his
retinas out!

Does this story
come with a dictionary?

I don't know
what retinas are.

What are you telling me?!

He blinded himself.

Oh. So where is
the big dope?

Oh, for the
love of...

So jackson's grandmother went
to law school in the '30s, okay?

That is a
strong woman.

Come on, stan!

You are unbelievable!

I did it to save our marriage.

My eyes were getting me
into trouble,

So I had the cia
take my retinas out.

Now that I'm blind, I can
fall in love with your insides.

Then I'll be able
to stomach your outside.

I'll be like
joan cusack's husband.

(sobbing)

When grandma ling
was on her deathbed,

She said,
"look into my eyes, francine,

And you'll never be alone."

And I did,
and it made me feel so safe!

And now I can't even look
my own husband in the eyes.

That's the most moving story
I've ever heard.

I must have told you that
story at least 30 times.

Yes, but this is
the first time I listened.

I want to know
everything about you.

Really?

Well, I was born
September 26.

You're a libra!

I need to know more!

Where are you from?

Do you have any children?

What's in this?

It's fantastic!

I make this all the time.

I guess I never truly
tasted your cooking before.

You're such an intriguing
woman, francine.

Tell me
your dreams.

Where do you park when
you go the airport?

Parking lot c.

(moaning)

Oh, stan.

Without your eyesight, you've
become a much better lover.

I'm just so in tune
with your body.

I'm gonna slap
your big round ass.

Damn right you are.

Ow! That's my head!

Roger?! What are
you doing in here?

I just came to tell you
that jeannie gold's business

Is ruined because of you,

And then I kind of
got caught up in the show.

Well, tell jeannie she'll
get another chance.

We're going to go ahead
and renew our vows.

That is, if
you'll have me.

Oh, stan, of course I will.

It's last minute, but I can
get us the willow room.

It'll take all
of my radisson points,

But what am I saving them for?

A man? Ha!

I'm too set in my ways.

Alex trebek, a chamomile tea
and a chapter of little women

And I'm out by 8:15.

Mom and dad are gonna
love this present.

How much longer do we
have to sit like this?

He's putting on the
finishing touches.

Ooh, the muses
have taken him.

He's done!

Hayley:
Wow, it's beautiful.

Yeah, I'm surprised
how good it is.

Oh, no!

The vows ceremony
is tomorrow.

What are we
gonna do?!

Valik's gonna kill us!

(groans)

My scar's burning.

He's thinking
of me!

(chuckles)
what?

I notice you let out
little farts all the time.

It's cute. They don't
even smell that bad.

This one does,
but usually they don't.

I can't wait to renew
our vows tomorrow.

In some strange
way, your blindness

Is the best thing that
has ever happened to us.

(moans)

You're right.

My plan was to get it reversed,
but being blind is great.

It's given
our relationship depth.

Now you won't have to spend
all day making yourself pretty.

You can take care of me
full-time.
What?

Except, of course,
when you're at work.

Work?

I'm a blind bastard,
francine.

You'll be providing
for the family now.

I can't be
a provider.

Sure you can.

Let's see, what kind of job
can an ugly person do?

Run the equipment
sign-out room at a ymca.

You could wrap flowers
in a supermarket.

Manage a jo-ann fabrics.

Think about it, francine:
Management.

You're not filipino,
so you can't be a nurse.

(organ playing softly)

I'm sure she's
on her way.

She's only three
hours late.

Padre, stop
looking so tense.

You're stressing
everyone out.

You need to relax.

You bitch!

You left me and
stan at the altar!

You made
fools of us!

You are going to
apologize to me,

And you're going
to apologize to...

Oh, for the love of...

Come on, stan!

Francine!

Are you in
the room?

I smell chicken fingers, so
I know you're in the room.

I'm here.

I can't believe
you didn't show.

You know why
I didn't show?

I didn't get married
to take care of somebody!

I got married
to be taken care of!

I'm not the
bad guy here.

You're the one
who doesn't want

To be with me
because I'm blind.

I don't want
to be a provider.

And I don't want
an ugly wife.

Well, I-I guess I'm just
as shallow as you are.

I guess you are.

So what if we got married
for surface reasons?

It works.
You're right.

Why fix something
that's not broken?

Absolutely.

We may be shallow,
but our love is deep.

(both moan)

The vows are back on.

Okay, we blew the budget on
the first two ceremonies.

Not sure how,

But jeannie gold is going
to make it spectacular!

¶ ¶

¶ ¶

I promise, when
you start to sag,

To subject you to
risky elective surgery.

And I promise
to be with you

Only if you make money
and stay healthy.

Alzheimer's runs
in my family.

You'll be
dealing with that solo.

I had no
budget left.

I went to the party store
and bought the leftover

Thanksgiving decorations
from the half-price bin.

I think you did
a great job, mom.

I did when I made you.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is
my honor to present to you

Once again
as husband and wife...

Man: Could we get
more garlic bread?

...Stan and
francine smith!

Move it along. We only have
the place for another half hour.

Who wants orange?

Root beer?

I got two light beers.

They were on the dashboard
of my car for a long time.

They are hot to the touch.

Anybody?

They do not have dessert here,

But I brought a bag
of chips ahoy.

I was keeping it in a cooler
so the chocolate chips

Wouldn't melt, but the water
soaked through the bag.

Long story short,
some of the cookies are wet.

I'll spread them out
over here in the sun.

Help yourselves.
Everyone having a good time?

Best wedding ever, right?

I'm ruined.

¶ ¶

Have you seen
steve and hayley?

(squawks)

That maniac valik
will never find us here.