American Dad! (2005–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - Choosy Wives Choose Smith - full transcript

# Good morning, U.S.A. #

# I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day #

#The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face #

#And he's shining a salute
to the American race #

# Oh, boy
it's swell to say #

# Good morning, U.S.A. #
[Grunts]

[Chorus]
#Good morning, U.S.A. ##

## [Cello: Playing Badly]

Sounds terrific, honey.

Well, the recital's three months away,
so I have time to get even better.

Lindsay Coolidge
is what they call a cello slut.



This could be
my big chance with her.

Bye, Mom. Going on the road with Klaus
for 15 weeks, following My Morning Jacket.

- It's a band. Peace.
- Hang on, missy.

- Cell phone?
- Check.

- Emergency credit card?
- Check.

- Morning-after pills?
- Twenty and a refill.

All right.
Have fun, you two.

- Oh!
- That's right. You're not dreaming.

I actually look this good.

[Moans Softly]
Ooh. Men's Wearhouse?

" I guarantee it!" It was
a little present to myself...

- for getting my pilot's license.
- [Gasps]

Stanford Smith, I forbid you to fly.

Small planes are very dangerous.



That's ridiculous. Small
planes are the safest of all.

If Ritchie Valens's plane had
been just a little bit smaller...

- he'd still be alive today.
- Please.

I am begging you.
Don't fly.

Stan, I didn't want to
tell you this, but...

20 years ago,
right before I met you...

- I was engaged to another man.
- What?

- His name was Travis. He was a pilot.
- Like me.

Well, one day,
his small plane went down.

No!

That's just a reenactment
of what I did when I found out.

Anyway, I thought he was dead.

He turned up alive a couple
of months after I met you.

But by that time, we were engaged...

and I knew you were the one for me.

Your heart was promised to another?

Why-Why didn't you ever tell me?

Because I thought you'd overreact.

But actually, you're taking
this better than I expected.

[Sighs]
I'm so relieved.

- [Whimpering Softly]
- What do you feel like for dinner?

[Voice Breaking] I don't know.
Like a ni?oise salad. Something easy.

## [Dance]

[Chattering]

- Oh, hey, Stan.
- Roger, what the hell?

- Where'd all these people come from?
- Club Rubber just let out.

Everybody's still rolling pretty hard,
and I'm selling water.

- Want to hand out pacifiers?
- Oh, I'm not in the mood.

- I found out that Francine-
- Oh, the whole missing fianc? thing.

- She told you?
- No, I was under the table when she told you.

Don't ask what I was
doing under there.

- [Whispers] Ask.
- What were you doing under the-

Eavesdropping. Anyway, you're probably
feeling like second best, huh?

Like you wouldn't believe. There's some guy
out there who Francine almost married.

Who is he?
What's he all about?

- Is he better than me?
- It's normal. You're curious, like the monkey...

except he was curious about whether
the man in the yellow hat...

would violate him with a banana,
which is something to be curious about.

I just wish I knew what
Francine's ex was like.

You know what?
Pack some road sodas.

We're going to the C.I.A.
To do a little recon on this guy.

Now you're talkin'!
Pound it.

Can I rub your back?

Boy, does that sound like heaven.
Kind of in a rush though.

I was just about to track down
my wife's ex-You know what?

A quick one. Yes.
Yes to a quick one.

- Are we swimming?
- You want to be swimming?

If you want to be swimming,
we're swimming, dude.

# Playing the cello
like Yo-Yo Ma #

# Soon I'll be unsnapping
Lindsay Coolidge's bra ##

- [Meows]
- Hmm.

You're a funny little mister, aren't you?
Looking for a friend?

[Meows, Screeches]

Oh, my God! Somebody help us!
Somebody call 911!

- [Groans]
- You're gonna be okay. L-I'll get you some help.

Who has a cellular phone?

- [Whimpers]
- Oh. Oh. Hang in there, little man.

[Gasps]
Go around! Give us some space!

Oh, you're hurt pretty bad.
Go around!

Oh, this is all my fault. I'm so sorry.
I gotta get you to a vet.

- [Screeches]
- [Screaming] Ow!

Why would you do that?
I was trying to help you.

Geez!

Don't go around! Go over him!
Resume normal traffic flow!

My hat's off to you, Stan.
You are some kind of crazy.

Flying all the way to Montana
just to get a look at this Travis Bowe.

Well, I'd rather be acting crazy
than feeling crazy.

That's good, Stan. I'm gonna
write that down when we land.

- Oh. Already forgot it.
- You'll see you're better than this guy.

He's probably a hick anyway.
Look at this place. There is not a thing around.

Yeah. Yeah. The closest town
to here is my ass.

- And that place is a hole. [Laughs]
- [Laughs]

- Oh, we have a good back-and-forth, you and me.
- [Chuckles] I've had better.

- [Metal Clinking]
- [Horse Blusters]

[Sighs]

Oh, man. He's handsome!

- Let's get out of here. I look like hell.
- Excuse me. Outdoorsman.

Are you Travis Bowe?

No. I help out with
the terminally ill children...

he flies here for
fresh air and horse rides.

Oh, hey.
Here comes Travis now.

[Whinnies]

I have no idea who you guys are...

but you're welcome to as many
hot meals and warm cots as you need.

L-l-l- l- Ro- Ro- Roger-r-r-r-r.

I like to help people.
It's kind of my thing.

- I specialize in sick kids- and animals.
- [Blusters]

In fact, I'm on my way right now to
birth a calf with John Cougar Mellencamp.

Makes his guitar picks
out of the sun-dried placenta.

- Hyah!
- [Whinnies]

My God. He's perfect.

He makes me look like you,
and you look like you... with your shirt off.

- What?
- I can't believe it.

Francine got robbed of this guy
and had to settle for me.

Did I keep her from the man she was
supposed to be with?

- I have to find out.
- Oh, God.

Instead of just talking this through with
Francine, are you gonna do something crazy?

- Most likely.
- Oh, yeah. It's gonna be a wild ride.

Strap me on. Wait. Did I say " on"?
L-l- I meant strap me in.

You know what?
Either way.

- Francine, stop what you're doing. I met him.
- Who?

- Travis.
- Stan, why the hell did you
track down my ex-fianc??

Because I had to see
how I stacked up.

Travis is manly, kind, generous.

And handsome.
Don't you dare forget handsome.

Hear that?
Your true love's handsome.

Stan, you're my true love.
I chose you.

You chose nothing. Travis's faulty
plane engine did all the choosing for you.

- Admit it. You settled.
- I didn't settle for anything.

For the last time, I love you,
and I'm happy! Now leave me alone!

Wow. Travis really dodged a bullet
with that nad-smasher.

I can't believe you just left the cat
in the middle of the road.

I told you.
It scratched me.

It was probably terrified.

Hey, little shoes.
How you holding up?

- Careful, Snot.
- You just gotta be gentle.

Chick-a, chick-a.

- You gotta go chick-a, chick-a, chick-a.
- [Groans Softly]

- Like that. Chick-a, chick-a, chick-a.
- [Purrs]

There you go, silly tummy.

What were you so worked up about?
This guy's a cupcake.

You can take it from here. I gotta go
trim my mustache for synagogue.

Is that it? You were-
You were just scared?

Okay. Okay.
I'm gonna go slow this time.

I never even introduced myself.
I'm Steve.

I'm gonna call you Simon.
Cheek-a, cheek-a, cheek-a, Simon?

Okay? I'm a friend.
Yes? You know that now?

Friend? Cheek-a, cheek-

- [Screeches]
- Aaah!

Damn it!
Screw you, jerk cat!

Son of a whore!

[Man On Speakers]
#Close your eyes #

Oh, Stan Smith. You really know
how to apologize to a girl.

Peabo Bryson on the damn stereo.
Mmm, mmm!

- Doin' it right.
- [Doorbell Rings]

- Travis?
- Hello, Francine.

What are you doing here?

- ## [Stops]
- I invited him.

Francine, you got a great guy here.

He came all the way
to Montana to find me.

Um, will you excuse us for a sec?

[Whispering]
What are you doing?

I'm giving you the choice
you didn't get 20 years ago.

Have dinner with him.
Look into his eyes.

If you choose him, I'll understand.

Stan, I already told you.

Enjoy the salmon.
I left the skin on the bottom.

Some people like it, some people don't.
Some say it adds flavor.

- You know what? You're adults.
You know how to eat.
- [Door Closes]

[Whimpering]

# I'm walkin'this road #

# Because you stole my car#

# I'm singin'this song #

# 'Cause you have
all my CDs #

# You want me to believe #

# In your love #

# And yeah, I will #

# When you give back my #

# Stuff#

# Oh, oh #

# You have my #

# Love #

# Oh, oh #

# Don't go
Don't go #

# Don't go #

# Don't go
Don't go #

# Don't go #

# Don't go
Don't go ##

[Gasps]
Simon!

He's gone forever. He wanted to say
good-bye and let me know he forgives me.

What a powerful, powerful wet dream.

- Psst! Is he still here?
- No, Stan. He left.

How, uh- How was it?

Very nice. We had dinner, we caught up,
then he went home.

- So, nothing there?
- Nothing there.

- I just had to know.
- Well, now you do.

So, don't ever question
my love for you again.

- Okay, Mr. Knucklehead?
- Okay, Mrs. Knucklehead.

[Both]
Mmm!

Come on.
Let's go to bed.

Let me just charge up with a snack,
and I'll meet you upstairs.

I hope we have ham.
Man, I sure can pump when I'm full of ham.

## [Whistling]

Well, someone's happy.

I got my answer.
Francine chose me. Me!

- Ow!
- Dumbo.

Just because Francine didn't hook up with
Travis tonight doesn't mean anything.

You're the father of her kids.
Let's use this hot dog as a metaphor.

- I'm not sure what a metaphor is.
- Hey!

Look. If you really want to know
who Francine would choose...

you have to disappear for a while.

Like Travis did.

Exactly. If she waits for you,
she loves you.

If she goes for Travis, she doesn't.

- Either way, you get your answer.
- Yes.

Yes. Don't worry.
I've got this all under control.

Mayday! Mayday!
We're going down!

[Screams]

[Screams]

[Stan]
I think we really sold that crash landing.

[Roger] Oh, were you doing crash landing?
I was doing "found out my son is gay. '"

[Seagulls Squawking]

This island is a secret
C.I.A. Hideout.

I've hidden cameras
everywhere in our house...

so we can watch Francine get the news
that I've gone missing.

- Then Travis will show up to comfort her.
- How do you know?

I invited him over
for Sunday brunch.

Oh. I thought you were gonna
say something funny.

No. Not everything is funny, Roger.
Sometimes you just have to get information out.

Francine got over Travis
after about two months, so...

that's how long we'll stay here.

Hopefully she'll wait for me.

But if not, well,
I'll have my answer.

[Ice Cubes Rattling]

Oh, I stopped listening. If you're not
gonna make the effort to be entertaining...

I'm not gonna go
the extra mile to listen.

[Chuckles]
The- " The extra mile."

Like it's so hard
to just listen to somebody.

It's happening!
Roger, get over here.

She's getting the news
that our plane is lost at sea.

- [No Audible Dialogue]
- [Laughs]

[Laughing]
Roger, you're missing all the fun.

- [Rumbling]
- Stan, am I drunk?

I mean- I mean,
I'm definitely drunk, but...

is that regular size?

Oh, my God!

[Both Scream]

- Are you okay?
- L- l-I think so.

Wait. Wait. Where are my sunglasses?
Look for them, damn you. Look for them!

Oh, thank God.

No!

[Squawking]

L- I can't tell you
how much I hate it here, Stan.

L- l- I can't-

It's not good luck anymore! Help!

- Help!
- Get a hold of yourself.

I'll figure out a way
off this island.

Hey. There is good news.
I overcame my fear of seagulls.

- [Sobbing]
- [Doorbell Rings]

I got you some supplies.
How you holding up?

The Coast Guard called.
They've given up the search.

- [Sobs]
- Shh.

Now, now.
Travis is here.

[Seagulls Squawking]

- [Squawks]
- Roger, I think I figured out
a way to get off the island.

- Is there such a thing as a time crab?
- Shh!

You're scaring the gulls.
I gotta lasso enough to fly me home.

I had the greatest woman in the world,
and I've let my insecurity ruin everything.

[Squawking]

Ha! Thirteen!
That should do it.

All right, seagulls.
Take me home. Hyah!

Stan, dinner.

[Roger Groans] Stan, these gulls
are running right through me, you bastard.

Seagull bones will make a fine raft.

I'll be back to Francine in no time.

Toss me a leaf, you son of a bitch.
I'm passing a beak over here.

I will get off this island.
And you know why?

Because Francine loves me, and I know
she'll wait for me, no matter how long it takes.

- [Laughing]
- [Laughing] I've waited long enough.

Stan would want me to move on.

These rocks will make a fine raft.

Oh. Hello. Tying together rocks.
Smart. Outside the box.

Anyway, just wanted to apologize
for all my whining.

I realize now that it's been
counterproductive.

Oh. Thanks, Roger.

As you can see,
I've fashioned a disguise...

out of seagull feathers
for when we're rescued.

I'm feeling optimistic.
So Ira and l-This is Ira.

- [Squawks]
- We're gonna collect some
driftwood for a signal fire.

Because we're optimistic.
Ira and I.

That's the spirit, Roger.
Ira.

I'm coming, Frannie.
I'm gonna pick you up, hold you in my arms-

[Screams]
This is all your fault! We're gonna die out here!

It's your fault!
You pushed me into this!

[Yelps]

- Drown, spaceman. Drown!
- [Squawking]

Shut up, Ira!

- So you float, huh?
- Yeah. Yeah, it appears so.

[Roger]
Stroke. Stroke. Stroke.

Stroke. Stroke.

You know, after this, I could
rent myself out to Cubans.

Those poor people.

I'll take that money up front.
Don't you worry.

## [Cello: Classical]

[Cheering]

- [Cat Meows]
- Simon!

[Groans Softly]

You're alive!
You came to see me play.

[Thudding, Strings Vibrate]

Simon! Oh, it's so good to see you.

Oh. Oh, but you-you look awful.

You-You're dying.

You wanted to be by my side
when you passed away.

[Gasps]
You really do love me.

[Purrs, Groans]

Simon?
[Gasps]

He's gone.
[Sobbing]

Too soon.

No. No.
It's okay.

At least we made amends.

Oh. Funny.
Here I am holding you...

which is all I ever wanted.

Oh, Simon. You're in
a better place now.

You look so peaceful.
Almost as if you were sleeping.

Oh, shit.

- [Screeches]
- [Screaming]
Get off me, you psycho cat!

- Aaah!
- [Yowls]

[Grunting]

[Panting]

- [Screeches, Hisses]
- [Screams]

- [Grunting]
- [Groaning]

[Panting]

- [Grunts]
- [Groans]

[Panting, Sighs]

It's over.

It's over.

- [Screeches]
- [Screams]

- [Steve] What is the lesson here?
- [Hisses]

This is it, Ira.
We're gonna die out here.

Oh, there's so many things
I never asked you.

Like, what's your
favorite candy bar?

Mine's a Balance bar.

I know they're designed to replace
entire meals, but I like 'em as a snack.

Hey. Hey. Hey!
Down here! Hey!

We're saved! We're saved!
Ira, we're saved. Isn't that great?

- [Squawks]
- Ira, get back here.

- You're the best part of my hair.
- Wh-What-What's-What's going on?

- Ira's gone.
- There's a ship. We're saved!

Oh. I thought I was your ship.

That's okay. See how that boat likes you
farting quietly into its deck all day.

Yeah. I knew. I didn't say anything
because it felt kind of nice.

Hello.

- Stan, you're back!
- Francine, wait.

I don't care if
I'm your first, second or 19th choice.

I'm just glad to be your choice.

- [Both] Mmm!
- [Travis] Hey, hon.

I figured out the best way
to bike to the zoo.

[Gasps]
Stan! You're alive!

And you're living here.

Which means Francine chose... you.

I guess that's what was meant to be.

I'll send for my things.

Stan, wait. I was just pretending to have
moved on with Travis. I choose you.

- What's that?
- Say again.

After I found out you were missing,
I was devastated.

But then I found all these C.I.A. Surveillance
cameras all over the house.

[Whirring]

Uh, yeah. Maybe I could have
hid those better.

I figured you had
some stupid plan to test me.

So I pretended I was moving on
with Travis for the cameras...

to make you jealous
and lure you home.

- What took you so long?
- Francine, a tsunami wiped out our equipment.

We were stranded on a rock.
I didn't see a thing.

- So you mean-
- Oh, my God.

- [Laughing]
- [Laughing] That is so funny.

- Francine, I missed you so much.
- I missed you too.

I can't believe this.
That's why you wouldn't sleep with me.

You've been leading me on for weeks.

You're both complete lunatics!

You two are made for each other.

We really are, baby.
We really are.

Mmm!

Dad, you're home!

- Wait. Where's Roger?
- I don't know. I lost him at the bus station.

Hey. Check out my new do.
I replaced Ira.

- [Screams]
- [Screeches]

Bye. Have a beautiful time.