American Dad! (2005–…): Season 4, Episode 18 - Weiner of Our Discontent - full transcript

- Hey, buckle, that's my seat.
- Not anymore.

See, I'm more important than you,
I've got some big stuff going on,

big stuff.

I'm going to flick your tie.

You're titillate, don't you?

But it's the 50's and you don't know
what to do with those feelings.

Meet me in the bathroom.
I'll drill a hole between the stalls.

Excuse me, I'm goin' to take
your free game. I'm that important.

I've got some big stuff goin' on.

Now, watch me play.
I suck but I do my own sounds effects.

Refill.



I'm sorry, we don't give refills.

I see, you don't know who I am.

I can't talk about it,
but I've got some big stuff goin' on.

Now, fill that up.

That's right, I'm important.

Man, cafe?ne doesn't affect me
at all.

I can do anything!

Diner is almost ready.

I'm doing one of Rachael Ray's
30 minutes meals.

But I'm saving 10 minutes
by not being all fake and smiley.

Work sucked today.

I got passed over
for the Chavez assassination.

Again.

Another assassination season
stuck to in an inventory with Mitchell.



"Call me Mitch."
Stop trying so hard.

Anyway, everthing will be OK
as soon as I have this delicious...

Nice.

Look, Stan, I had a long day too,
you know.

Exhausting, having so much big stuff

Big stuff goin' on here.

That's because it's true.
I'm pretty important. I need this.

- I've a lot goin' on here on earth.
- You know what, just stop.

I'm sick of you acting like you're
the most important person in the world.

- But the truth is...
- Here comes the thruth from Stan.

- Truth is...
- Everybody make way for Stan,

- Comin' through with the truth.
- The truth is...

Here's the truth coming at you
live via Stan.

Roger, shut up!

The truth is you're nothing
but a worthless sack of fat ass.

You're lazy, you're a chubbo,
you lie,

you cheat, you eat all,
you're a drunk,

- you never wash your wigs,
- you strut around

like you're Mary, Queen of Scots, Jesus
and Brangelina all rolled into one.

Well, you're not!
You're a big fat nothing!

All right.

Well, that's it, you did it.

The real truth is,

I do have big stuff goin' on,
and here it is.

I'm...

the decider.

The decider?

I was sent here,
on a top secret mission,

to decide if the people of earth,
should live or die.

And what you just said there,
you crossed the line, buddy.

I've decided.

A decider?
What is that?

Some new Lea Thompson
legal thriller on Lifetime?

Let me guess. She's a judge,
she has a hard time dating,

- she rides a bike to...
- I decided, Stan.

I'm going to my fortress of solitude,
outside Roswell

and sending a message to my people
to blow this dump of a planet up.

You're going to Roswell
to blow up Earth?

- Right now?
- Yes.

- Great, I'll come along.
- Good.

When I'll bend over
to push the button,

my ass will be the last thing
you'll ever see.

I'm going to go brush my teeth,
and then we'll go send the signal.

Cause of you, bitch. Call your mother,
tell her you killed her.

I'll do that, thanks.

Stan, come on.

You hurt is feeling,
so he is made some stuff up.

Don't make Roger go
all the way to Roswell,

- to stick on all his baloney.
- Sorry Francine, but he asked for it.

I'm tired of him walking around here
like is king poop all the time

Is that really
what you wanted to say?

Look at me, I'm a walrus.

I guess he went to the bathroom
to laugh in private.

No, he went to get his sister.

Oh, hey, Kiko.

Toshi is greatly offended.

Those chops sticks were carved
in the femur of our great grand mother.

Gross!

Until now, Toshi has stoicly tolerated
your boorish jokes.

- But no more.
- Kiko,

- listen.
- Do not interrupt!

Toshi issues a challenge.

You will compete in the arena
of your choosing.

The loser will switch
to the later lunch period,

so you'll never have to eat
together again.

- Unless you care to apologize.
- What?

Apologize for being hilarious?
Never.

Very well.

Come to our house tomorrow
to choose your challenge.

Anyone else get a boner
when Kiko slapped me?

Me neither.
Got to go.

You know what's funny?

Walking like a gorilla.

Why can't you send
your pretend message

to blow up earth to your own planet
on your cell phone?

It's not pretend, butt face.

Southwestern Airlines would like
to welcome all of it passengers

in boarding group B.

What?
I'm a C. How you've got a B?

Pre-orderer while you were packing.

You know what? Good.
Enjoy your B boarding pass.

Cause you're gonna be obliterated!

I got him good.

Did you hear that alphabet humor,
Arab guy?

You can't make jokes.

You make a joke,
you get thrown out the plane.

Sad, but that's the world
we live in now.

Now boarding group C and higher.

Sorry, there's no more room
on the plane.

- I'm going to have to check your bag.
- Can't I put it on my lap?

But I wanted to go straight from
the airport to my fortress of solitude.

I don't want to have to wait for...
It doesn't matter,

I have bigger thing on my plan,
much much bigger things.

Comfy there, Mr Decider?

- Sir, my seat won't go back.
- Yeah, that one is broken.

But I have a bad back.

Behold my fortress of solitude.

Impressive.

Afternoon, so generous.

Strawberry Coors?

It's something I invented.

I take a regular Coors
and I drink it through a Twizzler.

I really like your roommate.
Nice touch with the rolling.

Don't want open the door to wide

and let Disability Check Dan
over there, see your...

Fortress of solitude.

Oh good Lord, it's real.

You know Stan, it's too bad.
I actually like Francine.

The rest of it can suck it,
but Francine I'm sorry to see die.

Roger, we joke a lot, me and you...

You know that deep, deep in my heart,
I always...

Too late, Stan.

You've sealed your fate and now,

What is wrong?

What the...

Why is a...

"Dear humans
who discover this wreck.

"Please, disregard it.

"We crashed this ship
into your planet

"to test new safety features

"because we care
about our customers.

"The alien inside is merely
a crash test dummy

"who most likely died upon impact."

A crash test dummy?

But they told me...

The decider!

That is classic!
I'm loving this!

- No, this can't be.
- Excuse me, gentlemen,

if I just found out
I'm the Lindberg baby,

whom do I tell?

I'm sure by now

Toshi's realised that is the one
who owes me an apology.

For making me put parts
of his great grandmother in my mouth.

I had Japanese great grandma once.

I had the Shinto's for a week.

Thank you!

Choose your method of challenge.

Each character represents
an ancient Japanese ritual.

Very well.

So it is chosen.

- Wait. What did I choose?
- Hot dog eating contest.

I'm screwed, man.

I can't beat a tiny Asian boy
at eating hot dogs.

Well, you better start training.

You don't want to switch
to the later lunch period.

That's when the guy with the milky eyes
start moping up around the tables.

Why do they make eye patches
if not for that exact situation.

Maybe he can afford one.

See now, I bummed out.

Roger, how was Roswell?

- What happened?
- Well, for the last 70 years,

Roger thought he was
the decider of humanity.

But it turns out,
he's just a crash test dummy.

- Oh, the poor thing.
- Poor thing, please.

Trust me,
he'll shake it off in an hour.

Roger, will you please come out?

We made your favorite meal.

Roast squab with a burger
di pana reduction and truffle risotto.

And toasted brioche?

Of course.

Well, there is place set at the table
if you change your mind.

OK, Roger, you can do this.

Just pick yourself up
and started new.

Oh, look who decided
to come to dinner?

Hey, little guy, want a waffle?

He is coming in, look.

Roger, it's OK.

Stan didn't mean
any of those things he said.

No, he's right.

I'm not the most important person
on earth.

I have no special purpose.

Don't say that.

There are a lot of things to do
besides blow up earth.

Maybe you could get a job.
You know, do something with your life.

I guess.

- Are my hot dogs ready, Mum?
- Wouldn't you rather have a waffle?

No madam, only hot dogs
until day of the showdown.

Thanks again for teaching me
how to retain my gag reflex.

You're welcome.

Hot dogs, uh?

I like hot dogs.

Maybe I'll get some sort of hot dog
related job.

You mean, like making hot dogs,
or selling hot dogs.

I don't know, I just had the idea.
Will you only think for just one moment?

I come up with good ideas
and you nailed me with questions.

Probably something supervisory
in the distribution department.

There we go, I knew I think
of it if you give me a moment.

You did it, Roger.

Assistant regional distribution manager
for Hot Dog Hauss.

On your way back to the top.

I need you to refill
the ink in the stamp.

- Can I decide what color?
- No, it's red.

Hey Roger, there's a new hot dog house
in Chimdale.

You need me to decide how many hot dogs
to send them for the grand opening?

No, just letting you know
that our company's growing.

Hey Roger, we've got
a bad batch of hot dogs here.

Nitrate level in them is lethal.
Make they get throwing out, would you?

- You mean, I'm in charge of something?
- Yeah, sure.

You're president of throwing out
bad wieners.

Congratulations.

Lethal, uh?

The decider is back.

Bathroom material.

This VIP has to VI peepee.

Yeah, I do it sitting down.

'Cause comfort is king.

- And I have no wen.
- What the hell, I was reading that.

I'm sorry Stan, but I have got
some big stuff goin' on.

I'm going to take this
in case I get cold on the toilet.

Here we go again,
he gets a crappy job,

and he's acting like
he owns the world.

I'm going down to that hot dog place
and I'm setting that weirdo straight.

Do you think it's worth taking all
this sick days to make him feel bad?

I've got it cover,
I told 'em that you had a baby.

This is from Jackson.

Che Guevara?
Is this supposed to be hip?

He was a murderer.

Just put him in it one time
when you bring him to the office.

I guess.

Stan, you came to see me at work,
like a wife.

I just stopped by
to show you something.

I downloaded this chart
of Hot Dog Hauss corporate structure.

Look, there's the parent company

there is the subsidiary,
there is the branch of food co.

that presides over Hot Dog Hauss,
there is Hot Dog Hauss

there is east central division,
there this warehouse,

and this tiny little box here,
is you.

- Still feel important?
- Yes, I do,

cause I have some big stuff goin'...

No, you don't.
You have nothing.

- So stop acting like a big shot.
- OK, Stan.

I'll let you know a little secret.

I found this dogs
so full of nitrate,

that each one can kill a man.

I called them, death dogs.
And I'm in charge of them.

- Me.
- What are you talking about?

Any time I want,
I can let out some bad wieners.

See, Stan.

- I'm the decider again.
- Oh yeah?

Where do you keep
these alleged death dogs?

They're not here,
they're some place safe.

Some place you'll never guess.

The last place
you'd ever think to look.

No, don't look in the fridge,
they're not in there.

- They're not in there.
- They're not?

Oh boy, let's think,
who could have taken them?

Francine took them
to Steve's hot dog eating contest.

Damn it!
Roger, what have you done?

- Do you know what this means?
- Of course I know what this means.

I just missed my chance to sing
"Who let the dogs out".

Would have been perfect
a moment ago.

You know
who would've really appreciate it?

Steve. Too bad he is probably dead.

You idiot!
You may have killed my son.

There's still time.

Where did Steve said
the hot dog contest was?

God, I don't know.
He must have told me a thousand times.

- I know, me too.
- I totally...

I zone out
when that kid is speaking.

You have to. It's the only way
you can get through diner.

Steve is at Toshi's house.

That's where
the hot dog eating contest is.

What?
Why didn't you say something before?

Daddy and Roger were fighting
and I got scared.

Hopefully you'll pick up this voice mail
before you eat a hot dog.

And if not, if you're listening to this
from heaven,

I love you, kiddo.

Well, I warned Toshi.

You're blocking me, we're taking
your car. Give me the keys.

Fine, you can drive.
But a word of warning,

This car is an ass magnet.

When the whistle blows,
the contest begins.

Whoever finishes the most hot dogs
in ten minutes, wins.

Vomit will disqualify.

OK.
Looks our left on Reservoir Lane.

Never heard of it.
Let me see.

Roger, this a poster of Bo Derek.

Have you ever seen cheekbones...
Look out!

You really do make
a good crash test dummy.

Shut up and drive!

Nobody eat the hot dogs.

Death dogs.
They're called death dogs.

They've eaten 38.

Get away from the table.

You weren't supposed to eat those.
They're poisonous.

You're going to die.

Don't you mean, "Oh my Godzilla"?

Thank you.

What have we done?
I'm sorry.

I should have said that
in the first place.

Forgive me?

Toshi is honour bound
to accept a death bed apology.

Goodbye then, dear Toshi.
I should have been nicer to you.

You're my only friend
who wasn't poor or fat.

Oh wait, false alarm.
I still have my death dogs.

Toshi's mother insisted on using
the hot dogs she bought.

Apparently the ones I brought
weren't good enough.

They weren't.
They would have killed our children.

I'm sorry dear, I don't understand
what you're saying.

Does anyone speaks sushi hostess?

The important thing is that Roger
didn't end up killing anyone.

Where is Roger?

Sorry Stan, I can't let you
destroy these.

They're all I have.
I need them.

I'm worthless now.

I'm a nobody,
just like everyone else.

And it's about time you said it.

Damn it, Stan,
why can't you give Roger a break?

Why should I?
Nobody gives me a break.

I don't see why he gets
to feel important when I don't.

So, that's why you're being
such a jerk to Roger.

You feel like a nobody

so you can't let
Roger feel like a somebody.

Oh, my God.
You're right.

It must be so obvious to everyone
if you picked up on it.

Stan, you're not a nobody.

You're important to me
and to Steve and Hayley.

And even to Roger.

You're so important to him
that he was going to blow up

the whole world
because you insulted him.

I never really thought
about it that way.

Hey, Roger.

I owe you an apology.

I'm sorry.

I just want to feel like I matter.

I know, me too.

- We're not so different, you and I.
- Yes we are.

We're night and day, except
for n this specific instance. So here.

- What is it?
- I'm allergic to shellfish.

If I accidentally eat any, my throat
will swell up and I would die.

This is my EpiPen.

I keep it with me at all times,
to get myself a shot,

just in case.

You're giving it to me?

If having the power over life and death
is what it takes to feel special,

then, yes.

When the time comes

you can decide,
whether I live or die.

You make me the decider again.

Enjoy it, buddy.

Hey, you guys, I'm the decider.

I guess today,
isn't these groundhogs...

day.

- What are you doing?
- CSI Miami.

- Caruso?
- Just gets you creeper, Daren.

- Freshly baked cookies.
- Wow, thank you, Roger.

And sorry I acted like an entitled ass
for the last 70 years.

Roger, what's this?

Crawfish cookies.
Need this?

My God, his allergy.
Roger, give him the shot.

Not so fast, Francine.

I'm the decider.

- And I will decide...
- Roger!

And I decide to give him the shot.

- It's empty.
- But I only used it once.

I was super hungover
and I wanted an adrenaline rush.

It felt amazing.