American Dad! (2005–…): Season 4, Episode 15 - Wife Insurance - full transcript

# Good morning, U.S.A. #

# I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day #

# The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face #

# And he's shining a salute
to the American race #

# Oh, boy, it's swell to say #

# Good morning, U.S.A. #
[ Grunts ]

[ Chorus ]
# Good morning, U.S.A. ##

- Glock nine-millimeter.
- Check.

- Kevlar vest.
- Check.

- What you do to yourself
before you wreck yourself.
- Check.

Oh, Stan. I hate it when you go
on these dangerous missions.



Honey, it's just a two-day
surveillance job.

Trust me. I'll be back in time
for Valentine?s Day...

when I'll take you out
for a disappointing set-menu dinner...

at the Macaroni Grill.

For a meeting between wealthy arms dealers,
this sure is boring.

I thought they'd at least
have a band or... juggling.

Juggling is amazing.

Yeah, this is a snooze fest.

I should be rolling in the sheets
with Lana from Accounting right now.

Lana? Thought she was a lesbian.

[ Chuckles ]
She was.

Wow. Jim, your ability with the ladies
never ceases to amaze me.

What can I say? I love women.

This might make me sound like a wuss...



but I get off when they get off.

- Oh, come on!
- I mean it.

That's why I took that class
on sexual energy.

Now I can make a woman quiver
just by looking at her the right way.

Which way?
First boobs, then face, then butt?

N-No. I mean- Wait. Something's happening.

[ Stan ]
The guards are on the move.

- But to where?
- [ Knocking ]

[ Speaking Spanish ]

[ Male Announcer On TV ]
Now back to Tex and Mex.

Hoo-wee! Thanks to some
good detective work by me...

and, to a lesser extent,
my partner, Mexican Joey...

the bikini thief is finally headed to jail.

[ Exaggerated Accent ]
I guess that only leaves one mystery.

- Who ate my sopaipilla?
- [ All Laugh ]

Wow! Tex and Mex did it again.

Nothing more satisfying
than solvin' a case.

Has anyone seen my Shuffle?
I can't find it anywhere.

A treasured item gone missing.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah. Sounds like a case for-

[ Together ]
Wheels and the Legman!

## [ Roger, Steve Humming Theme ]

## [ Continues ]

## [ Ends ]

- Huh?
- You know, Wheels and the Legman-

the detective duo we created.

I?m Wheels, and Roger's the Legman.

We've been looking for a case,
but now it appears...

that case... found us.

- Eh?
- Eh.

- Eh?
- Eh.

- Eh?
- Stop that!

Look, if you see my Shuffle,
let me know.

There is, madam,
the small matter of our fee.

Twenty dollars a day, plus expenses.

Or that half a turkey sandwich
you left in the fridge.

- That's Dad's.
- We have a deal then.

- [ Gasps ]
- ## [ Orchestra Swells ]

- ## [ Stops ]
- Why so sad, Mrs. Smith?

It's me, Scott,
from Langley Flag and Boot Cleaning.

- Oh.
- Say hi to your husband. He's my best customer.

[ Gasps ]
Stan's boss.

Francine, I have bad news.

- [ Sobbing ]
- ## [ Orchestra Swells ]

- ## [ Stops ]
- My car broke down two blocks from here.

- And it's just off warranty.
- That's the bad news?

Well, actually, there's more.

Father Carrington?

- [ Sobbing ] No!
- ## [ Orchestra Swells ]

Mrs. Smith,
there's no easy way to say this...

- so I'm just going to be direct.
- Oh, dear God!

I was caught having sex with a man,
and I'm being excommunicated.

- What about Stan?
- Nope. I don't believe Stan has
had sex with Father Carrington.

Also, we lost communications
with Stan 12 hours ago.

- [ Sobbing ]
- I'm trained for this. Step aside, please.

- [ Whimpering ]
- [ Softly ] There, there.

[ Sobbing ]
We're gonna die!

I just know it. I just really do.

Stay cool, Stan.
We've been trained for this.

I know, but I forget.
[ Sobbing ]

There's gotta be a way out of here.

You are relieved.

I think our luck just changed.

[ Squish ]

# If it's true
don't leave me all alone out here #

# Wonderin' if you're
ever gonna take me there #

# Tell me what you're feelin'
'cause I need to know #

# Girl, you gotta let me know ##

[ Gasps, Quivers ]

[ Both Moaning ]

- [ Woman ] Halt!
- Don't shoot.

# Which way to go
'cause I need to know #

# I need to know #

# Tell me, baby girl
'cause I need to know ##

[ Swoons ]

[ Both Moaning ]

[ Woman ]
Si! Si!

Oh, just go.

All right, Wheels, this is the last place
Hayley saw her Shuffle.

Search her dresser for clues.
I'll take the closet.

- Careful!
- Sorry. I'm a little rusty using the chair.

[ Yelps, Groans ]

[ Whimpering ]

-Just use your legs!
- We can't break character.

- Aw, for cryin' out loud!
- No, no, no, no, no-

I did it!
[ Gasps ] Look.

A butt-print on Hayley's bedspread.

Way too big to be Hayley's.

There are only two people
who could leave a print that big.

[ Sniffing ]

Well, it's not Travolta,
so it's gotta be Barry.

[ Crying, Sniffling ]
Mama.

Stan went on a mission,
and he's been missing for five days.

[ Crying ]
What's that in the background?

You're at a movie?

Well, go in the lobby. You're being rude.

[ Brakes Screech ]

Stan!

Oh! I thought I'd never see you again.

There, there, Francine.
I promised I'd be home in time...

to take you out for a romantic
Valentine's dinner.

- Mmm!
- Mmm!

If I smell at all like sex,
it's because of Jim.

I was on his heels as he porked our way
through 200 miles of jungle.

His hips never stopped moving.
It was magnificent.

[ Gasping ]
Stan, you're crushing me.

It's almost over.

## [ Piano: Romantic ]

Sorry I didn't have time to get you
a Valentine's Day present.

Just having you home safe
is the only present I need.

Aw, Francine,
you know I'll always come back.

I know. But sometimes I think about
if you didn't. And you know what?

I think that would be it
for the romantic part of my life.

And that'd be fine because
I would have known my soul mate...

my one true love.

That's more than most people ever get.

And the memory of our love
would be enough to sustain me...

for the rest of my days alone.

How about you?
What would you do if I died?

Oh, I'd marry Meg Penner,
my backup wife.

Meg Penner?

Wait. Dr. Penner, our dentist?

Exactly. That's who I would marry next.
She's my backup.

Like that extra pair
of underwear I keep in the car...

just in case.

You already know
who you want to marry after I'm dead?

It's nothing formal. Meg and I were talking
during one of my routine cleanings.

The subject came up,
and we decided that, if our spouses die...

we'll marry each other.

Wait. Dr. Penner knows about this?

Francine, listen to yourself.

How crazy would it be
to plan a backup marriage...

without alerting the backup bride?

I mean, that would-
that would just be weird.

Are you in love with Meg Penner?

What? No. No, I'm not in love with her.

- Are you sleeping with her?
- Of course not.

Then why are you making
all these plans with her?

Oh, baby. Baby, you must have misheard me
or misunderstood me.

It-It was probably my fault.
[ Clears Throat ]

None of this happens until you are dead.

Stan, I want you to break off
this crazy arrangement with Dr. Penner.

I'm not dead, and I don't like you
arranging my replacement as if I were.

No. You're making
a big deal out of nothing.

It's not nothing. Not to a woman at least.

You think Dr. Penner's approaching this
as casually as you are?

Probably. She's pretty casual.

She wears Crocs around the office.

Look, Francine, they say
men who are happily married...

usually get remarried right away.

So this is actually
a huge compliment to you.

There's your Valentine's Day present.

Your present is that observation.

[ Kiss ]

We know you were in the victim's room
on the day in question, Barry.

- This is the room where I sleep in my house.
- Don't get smart with me.

You wanna do this the hard way, that's fine.
I invented "the hard way."

- What do you think you?re doing?
- I'm playing bad cop.

- You know- good cop, bad cop.
- Yeah, but I'm the bad cop.

Roger, I'm the one in the wheelchair.

I'm bitter about my fate
and constantly in pain...

from the one-eyed serial killer's bullet
lodged in my spine.

- I'm bad cop.
- No, no.

Your accident humbled you and made you
grateful for every day you?re alive.

- You're good cop.
- I'm bad cop!

You don't have the guts. I can "bad cop"
better than you in my sleep.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!

- [ Yelps ]
- You wanna go to jail, double stuff?

Oh, the boys will love you in there.

- They won't leave one fat fold unviolated.
- [ Whimpers ]

- [ Yelping ]
- Still won't talk?

Maybe I'll reach out to a buddy of mine-
dirty cop, owes me a favor.

I n two hours, I can have a dead baby
stuffed with heroin planted in your mom's car.

- Is that what you want, wide load?
- [ Yelps ]

- [ Yelping, Whimpering ]
- Put out your hands.

- I made heavy pants.
- I said put out your hands!

- You got real pretty hands, fat boy.
- [ Yelps ]

- Now I'm gonna make you eat 'em!
- [ Screeches ]

God, Roger!
All right, all right. You can be bad cop.

- Thank you. That's all I wanted to hear.
- I confess!

I went in Hayley's room.
I like to put her toothbrush in my mouth.

It tastes like mint,
and sometimes I find food.

- But what about Hayley's Shuffle?
- I don't know!

I was just eating toothbrush corn.
Then the fish scared me away.

[ Together ]
Klaus!

Wow! Lookin' good.

Doesn't she?

-Jim? Wait. What are you doing here?
- Didn't I tell you?

[ Giggles ]
Can you get my back, J-Dog?

- Oh, Jim's my backup husband.
- What?

I'm honored. I mean,
I'll be sleeping with your wife someday.

That makes us like brothers or something.

Would you excuse us for a minute, Jim?

Sure. I'll just go do my tai chi.

Francine, I see what you're doin' here...

but I never laid around the pool
having Meg Penner rub lotion on me.

No. You just laid around her office
for the last 10 years...

letting her finger-bang your mouth.

I'm just making up for lost time.

- Francine!
- Oh, I know why you're upset.

Baby, none of this happens
till you're dead.

- Oh, God, Jim. Your niece's piano recital.
- [ Gasps ]

Grab the cupcakes, and let's go.

- [ Sighs ]
- Damn!

You see what homeboy
was packin' in his Speedo?

I mean, I can't relax.

I'm in an inner tube in a pool with a drink,
and I can't get right.

Reginald? What are you doing here?

I just got back from a C.I.A. mission.

'Cause, you know,
sometimes I be on missions.

Sometimes I just be
hangin' out here at the house.

But more importantly...

what's up with Prince Walnuts
rubbing lotion on your wife?

You better handle your business.

Yeah. Guess I gotta break up
with Meg Penner tomorrow.

Eh, it's probably for the best.

Man, I hate ending relationships.

Took me six months to fire the gardener...

after I found out he was taking pictures
of Steve while he was asleep.

You know, I didn't hear a word you said.

I'm still thinkin' about
Johnny Snow Globes over there.

I mean, is that even attractive?

Like, is it something you advertise...

or-or something you just keep to yourself?

Oh, for the last time,
I wasn't in Hayley's room.

I was here reading a great new article
about hip dysplasia.

Barry says different, which means...

something about your story seems... fishy.

- What was that?
- A wisecrack. I'm cracking wise.

No way! You can't be bad cop
and do the wisecracks.

I'm doing the wisecracks.

Klaus, you're gonna face
the scales of Lady Justice.

We know you're "gill-ty."

Like it or not, fish,
you're on the hook for this one.

Your days of crime are "H2 Over."

- That doesn't even make sense!
- Fish live in water!

Enough! I confess.

Just, please, no more puns.

I knew he was lying. There hasn't been
a good article on hip dysplasia in years.

Look, I did go into Hayley's room.

I use her toothbrush to scrape algae
from the inside of my bowl.

Ew!

But I didn't steal anything.

Is that a red hair?

Ja. I've been tangled in it
since I was in Hayley's room.

We found our next clue.

Looks like this case is getting a little hairy.

You proud of that?

You proud of that sentence you just said?

Stan. What are you doing here?
You have an appointment?

No, but you're about to have
a disappointment.

Meg, I've gotta break things off.
You can't be my backup wife.

What? Oh, that?

Oh, for heaven sakes,
I thought that was some kind of a joke.

And the ego goes into defense mode.

Amazing how the human brain
works, isn't it?

- Stan, uh-
- She keeps sayin' my name.

You got it bad, Meg.

- You just need to turn around and walk away.
- But this is my office.

Good, good.
Throw yourself into your work.

Now, listen, I'm gonna leave, but, um-

These little love notes-
Mm-mmm, Meg, no more of these.

That's an appointment card.
I send them to all my patients.

[ Laughing ]
O-Okay, Megan.

Now, I know it won't be easy,
but try to forget about me.

Do something nice for yourself.
Get a massage.

Go- Go have salad with the girls.

But if you just can't
stop thinking about this gorgeous mug...

well, maybe this will help.

[ Shouting Gibberish ]

You're welcome.

[ Loud Whirring ]

[ Shouting Over Whirring ] So, since I went
ahead and broke up with my backup wife...

you don't need to carry on with Francine's
little "backup husband revenge" thing.

- You mean just pretend like this never happened?
- Right.

That's a big emotional negatory.

- I'm sorry?
- No can do.

I'm in love with your wife!

- What?
- She's sexy, she's funny.

My niece loves her.

My niece is very important to me.

Jim, I'm sorry,
but she's a happily married-

[ Screaming ]

Not anymore!

Oh! What the fuck!

Stan! Stan!

Oh! You lost your damn mind, Jim?

That was Stan! You just killed Stan!

Stan! Stan!

All right. What's done is done.
Can't change it now.

Reggie just gotta keep movin'.

[ Screaming ]

And so, on behalf of the Guinness Book
of World Records...

I, Lady Carolyn Gilbert-Lawson...

congratulate Achmed Asadi
for making the world's biggest falafel.

[ Screaming ]

[ Crowd Gasps, Murmurs ]

You're a fraud, Asadi!

I just wanted to impress Zamira.

She is so beautiful.

[ Whirring ]

Hey, lady, is that your hot-air balloon?

- I need a ride back to the States.
- I'm sorry.

But that balloon is for
official Guinness business only.

What if I told you we'd set the record...

for most spontaneous cross-Atlantic
hot-air balloon trip?

I'm sorry, sir. I can't.

What if I told you
I'm about to set the record...

for shooting a woman in the face
the most times in a row?

Alejandro! Fire up the balloon!

[ Burner Whooshes ]

- Hayley, we worked all day,
and we figured everything out.
- Really?

Yeah. I'm good cop, and Roger's bad cop.

I make the wisecracks,
but Roger can be sarcastic...

as long as it's not too shticky.

I get to have the troubled past,
but Steve always gets the girl.

Unless she's a bad guy,
in which case Roger gets her...

so she can betray him, leading
to a gunfight on the roof of an opera house.

- Or a theater.
- Yeah, or a theater.

What the hell are you talking about?
Where's my Shuffle?

- Your what now?
- That was the whole point of this.

You were supposed to find
my iPod Shuffle. Remember?

Oh, is that what a Shuffle is?
I did not realize.

- Yeah, I took that.
- What?
- What?

I was in Hayley's room
using her toothbrush...

to scrub the bird poo out of my red wig.

What? Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick.

Can I finish my story, please?

Anyway, I took your iPod from the dresser
for a variety of complex reasons...

the most important of which
was that it was shiny.

I erased all your music
and filled it with ABBA.

Don't really care for them,
but I did it anyway.

So that explains the red hair
we found in Klaus's bowl.

I guess it wasn't just a red "hairing."

- Nice pun work, Wheels.
- Thanks, Legman.

The puns are there in the marble.
I just have to chisel 'em out.

- Free them from the marble.
- Yeah.

Do you need something?

[ Burner Whooshing ]

Thanks.
Why do you travel like this, Alejandro?

I'll tell you why, Stan.

Will you put me in the record book...

as the happiest man alive by becoming Mrs.
Lady Carolyn Gilbert-Lawson Rojas?

Yes, Alejandro! A million times yes!

- Mmm!
- [ Whooshing ]

[ Car Door Opens, Closes ]

- You!
- [ Shouts ]

[ Both Grunting ]

[ Lady Carolyn, Alejandro Screaming ]

[ Groans ]
Francine! Help!

Um, I?m dealing
with a little problem of my own.

[ Shotgun Loads ]

- Meg! What are you doing?
- [ Grunting ]

We're gonna be together- like we planned.

- [ Groans ]
- No. We broke up. Remember?

I know. No, I know. And, look,
I really tried to play it cool, but-

But the truth is you were right.
I love you.

And my heart has a cavity
that only you can fill.

Wow. That is clever... and super crazy.

Oh, Stan, this is all my fault.
[ Grunts ]

I was jealous,
so I tried to make you jealous.

Ooh!

- No. It's my fault.
- [ Groans ]

There's a lot of things
you should make backup plans for, but-

Love isn't one of them.

Oh, Stan, that's beautiful.

- [ Francine Yelps ]
- [ Both Grunting ]

My tooth!

I can put a crown on for you.

I'm not going to you anymore.

Good luck getting your X-rays back, bitch!

[ Gunshot ]

Nobody shoots my backup husband.

Oh, Meg. You saved my life.

- I love you.
- [ Gasps ]

- [ Groans ]
- Oh, Stan.

- Mmm!
- Mmm!

- [ Yelps ]
- [ Steve ] Ew!

Just-Just ew!

Did we just find another case?

Are you kidding me? This is gruesome.

This is like a cable crime.
We're network.

- Yeah. No one dies on our show.
- Right.

Let's face it.
On our darkest day, we're Scooby-Doo.

- Maybe Quincy.
- Maybe Quincy.

Bye. Have a beautiful time.

English - US - SDH