American Dad! (2005–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Haylias - full transcript
Stan's plan to brainwash Hayley and get her married could have disastrous and perhaps deadly consequences for Stan, and Roger and Steve become competing private investigators.
Babe, you're having
a bad dream.
Jeff, you're having
a bad dream.
No, I'm not!
You broke my arm.
Oh, God.
I had that dream again.
And I think I finally know
what it means.
You broke up with Jeff?
It's time to change
my entire life.
That's what that recurring dream's
been trying to tell me...
the one where I'm in
that creepy classroom.
What?
I, I didn't drop that mug
because you mentioned that dream.
That dream is a warning.
Society's trying to brainwash me
to conform,
to, to color inside the lines,
to get married and have babies.
Well, I'm not drinking
the Kool-Aid anymore.
Have you tried it with Splenda?
Wait, wait, Hayley.
This'll take you off
the Path to Happiness.
"The Path to Happiness"?
Yeah, it starts in Marriage Land
and runs through Mommy Town.
Final destination:
Housewife City,
where you watch TV all day long
and blame everything
on a Mexican woman
who only comes on Tuesdays.
Yeah, well,
I never want to be a housewife.
That's why I'm moving to France.
- What?!
- What?!
I'm going to live
a carefree life with a string of lovers:
Jean-Jacques, Henri, Simone.
The last one was a girl's name.
I'm leaving tonight.
Hayley, this is crazy!
You're throwing
your life away!
It's just a stupid dream!
Sir, I have to tell her
it's not just a stupid dream.
She needs to know the truth
about Project Day Care.
What, that you allowed
her to be brainwashed
and trained as a sleeper
agent for the CIA?
Oh, yes, that's sure
to put a puff in her petticoat.
I never meant
to hurt her.
I just thought it'd be fun
to have a father-daughter spy team.
Yes, that does
sound like fun,
but as we learned
from Alias,
the idea gets tired
very quickly.
Look, were you ever briefed
on why that project was discontinued?
No, but I heard
that the sleeper agents
who weren't deactivated within seven
days lost their free will forever.
Yes, something like that.
Look, just do nothing.
Hayley's trainingwill simply lie dormant
in her subconscious
as long as you never say her trigger phrase.
So, what,I just stand by
and watch my daughter ruin her life?
Ah, I'm glad
I'm not the only father with a problem child.
Smith, this is Senator Shepherd.
He'll be joining us for lunch...
apparently he won me in an auction.
So you have a willful daughter too, sir?
Willful, yes.
Daughter, no.
Your senator speaks in riddles.
He has a son, Smith.
That's not very funny.
My God, you guys are still watching
that stupid Sleuth Channel?
Are you kidding?
This channel is great.
It plays all the old detective shows:
Starsky and Hutch, Jake and the Fatman...
It was a simpler time
when only oppositescould solve crimes.
This one's called Tex 'n' Mex.
Tex is a bull-riding scientist.
Mex is a street-wiseday laborer.
Shh!
They've assembled all the suspects in the disco.
Okay, Trixie,
you were doing the Hustle
under the mirror ball.
And Bruno,
you were...
Hey, Mex, put
down that taco!
It's evidence!
Oy-yai-yai.
Best. Catchphrase.
Ever.
Didi went on break
at midnight,
which means the victim
got her cocktail directly at the bar...
from Bruno!
But you said the poison
was fast-acting.
She didn't die for an hour.
It couldn't have been me.
Unless the poison was frozen in the ice cubes!
Unless the poison
was frozen in the ice cubes.
We would have made great detectives.
What do you mean,"would have"?
Let's start our own detective agency.
Yeah!
What should our names be?
Steve, first you create the character,
then let him tell you his name.
Let's meet back here in an hour
with our personas.
Deal!
In the meantime,
I'm going to crack my first...
case.
Whatever Steve's persona is,
I hope it involves rolling his
eyes at my clever puns.
I tell you, my sonhas me at my limit.
All he wants to do is travel the world,
sowing his wild oats.
I just want him to get on the Road to Happiness.
The Path to Happiness, but yeah, me, too.
If only there was a way to control our kids.
Well, I figured out how to control mine:
money.
I told Dill he's not getting a dime
until he finds himself a galand settles down.
Hey, maybe our kids could settle down together.
What's your son like?
You can see for yourself.
If I know Dill,
he's down at the gym right now,
working up a sweat.
It's a nice day for a stroll...
and the view is just fine, too.
Anyway, as I was saying,Mr. Smith,
after college I found myself afflicted
by a wanderlust
that took me around the globe,
where I feasted on the sweet, sticky nectar of life.
But then Father called and I had to flutter
back to the nest like a wayward jaybird.
He's perfect!
Roger, you ready for my persona?
Huh? What do you think?
I don't love it.
What are you doing in a wheelchair?
I'm Wheels.
Together we're Wheels and the Legman.
You're the Legman.
Well, how can I be the Legman
if I'm in a wheelchair?
So you seethe problem.
Nice detective work.
Now get out of that thing.You look ridiculous.
I can't.
I was a cop who got shot.
You got shot?
That's it?
Oh, I suppose you have a better back story?
My name is Braff Zacklin.
I was an international race car driver.
One day, a baby carriage
rolled out onto the track
so I swerved into there
taining wall to avoid it.
The car burst into flames, but the baby
miraculously survived.
I was that baby.
That doesn't make any sense.
I'm Braff Zacklin!
Flight 22 to Paris now boarding.
Hayley, wait!
Meet the manof your dreams!
Dill Shepherd.
Charmed,I'm entirely certain.
Would you excuse us?
I'll just mosey on over to the men's room,
and see if I can't find a willing foreigner
to help me check the sturdiness
of the diaper change table.
He's already got babies on the brain.
Talk about husband material.
Um, I'm pretty sure I'm not his type.
Bye, Daddy.
Hayley, wait!
You're making a huge mistake.
I won't let you do it.
You won't let me?
It's my life.
You can't control me.
Yes, I could.
I could control you completely.
Just by saying one secret combination of words
that no one in the world would ever utter.
Good-bye, Dad.
Hayley!
Uh...
I'm getting fed up with this orgasm!
Agent Small Wonder activated.
What are my orders?
It worked.
Uh... tear up your plane ticket.
Are we almost finished here?
Hayley, take the hand
of your new boyfriend, Dill.
Look aroused.
Ten percent more aroused.
Scale it back two percent.
Ah, young love.
Ding-dong!
Francine!
Someone's mimicking
the doorbell.
Hi, Dill.
Oh, you brought flowers for Hayley.
No, these are for me.
They're my walkin'petunias.
There he is...
Dill!
1500 hours.
Ready to go as instructed.
Hayley,you're wearing a dress?
She looks great in it.
Don't you, Hayley?
Yes. I look great in it.
Conceited.
You shouldtake a sweater.
Nah, I don't need one.
Take a sweater, Hayley.
I'll go get a sweater.
Your daughter is as nimbleas Johnny Yip,
a Taiwanese gymnast with whom I once had
the pleasure of sharing an Italian sleeper car.
Yeah, that fumble
totally handed the game to the Redskins.
Uh, Dill, can yougive us a minute?
Surely.
Stan, what's going on with Hayley?
It's like she's just going
through the motions.
She doesn't really seem happy.
Uh, Hayley.
You're happy, right?
Tell your motheryou're happy.
Mother, I'm happy.
See? She's over the moon.
Well,
I don't know as much about astronomy as you,
but I'm worried about our little girl.
Klaus, I, I think
I might've done a bad thing.
I kinda brainwashed Hayley.
Hmm?
Yeah, uh, I'm sort of reading.
She's a sleeper agent
and, well, I activated her.
should do whatever i tell her.
Of course, I feel terrible about taking
away her ability to think for herself...
...but it's only for seven days.
Then I have to deactivate her
or she'll lose her free will forever.
So I've only got until Saturday at 7:35
to make sure she stays on the Path to Happiness.
I know it seems wrong, but it's for
her own good, so that's okay, right?
What do you think?
I think you only talk to me
when there's no one else to turn to.
I think you really don't care what I think,
and you just need to hear yourself talk.
I think you're a selfish bastard
and I think you can go to hell!
Wow.
Okay.
Uh, well, I guess I'll ask
someone else what they...
Yes, why don't you do that.
Good for you, Klauss, good for you.
Now, if we were to hire you
as the secretary of our detective agency,
what wacky yet lovable persona
would you employ?
I... I don't know what you mean.
You know, like answering the phone
with dirty limericks, or constantly talking
to the ghost of your dead husband.
- What the Legman means is...
- Excuse me.
I'm Wheels.You're the Legman.
I dare you to stand up and tell me that.
Nice try.
Um, I have three kids.
Is this a real job?
Shut up.
Look, we can't be
Wheels and Wheels.
The ABC story department
would never approve that.
Either you be my Legman
or I'll find a partner who will.
Fine. Me, too.
I don't have time for this bit.
Thank God you're home.
Something wird is going on, Stan.
Hayley's become a totally different person.
It's almost as if...
something's been done to her brain.
Like her brain's been put
through some sort of...
cleaning process.
Like it's been scrubbed,
or rubbed vigorously
with soap and water.
Brain scoured?
Mind polished?
Well, something fishy's going on,
and I'm not going to rest
until I find out exactly what...
I'm engaged.
Oh!
My baby's getting married!
I can't believe Dill proposed!
He didn't. I did.
Those weremy orders.
Orders? What are you...?
Oh, who cares?!
You're getting married!
Oh, we'll have a big fancy wedding
with doves and napkins.
Just make sure the wedding happens
by Saturday at 7:35.
What?
But that's four days away.
Wait. Why would it haveto happen by...?
Oh, who cares?
My baby'sgetting married!
I know, I know, this seems
extreme, but time's running out.
Come on, Klaus, I need you. I...
Is that a new bowl?
No. It was newthree weeks ago.
I... I didn't notice.
No, you didn't.
It's very nice.
Really.
Makes you look thinner.
Well, thank you.
I guess I forget sometimes
that you're not justa fish in a bowl.
You're a man in a fish in a bowl.
Maybe I could be...
a friend in a fish in a bowl.
Listen, Stan, I know
your heart's in the right place,
but when you deactivate
Hayley,do you really think
she's going to live with the choises
you've made for her?
That's the thing... after I deactivate her,
she'll think all of
my choices were hers.
She'll be married to
a rich senator's son,
on her way to motherhood.
Can I ask you something?
You know,as a friend?
Sure.
Can you teach me
how to read?
Oh, hello.
Hi there.
Allow me to
introduce ourselves.
Wheels and the Legman.
Bill Elliot.
25 years of P.I. experience,
mostly divorce cases
and insurance fraud.
He's the real deal...Braff.
Allow me to introduce ourselves.
Wheels and the Angel.
That's right, a real angel.
And she can't get back in to heaven
until she solves 100 cases.
But that... but you...but she...
That's... brilliant.
Thank you, Dill,for that lovely poem
dedicated to your best man.
Stan, you have to deactivate her
or she'll be your puppet forever!
Do you, Dill, take Hayley
to be your lawfully wedded wife,
in sickness and in health?
I do.
You're running out of time!
Come on!
And Hayley, do you take this, uh,
let's say man, to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Stan, it's now or never!
We can still make it!
I do.
I'm getting fed up with this orgasm!
What are your orders, Father?
Uh, uh, nothing.
Please continue.
I was too late.
Okay, then,you're married.
Good luck with that.
You may now kiss the bride.
Is it mandatory?
Hayley, your mom wants a picture.
Not now.
Hayley, I order youto come take a picture.
Not... now!
But seriously, Amy,
age ain't nothing but a the number
and the number I'm thinking of is $100.
My, how courting has changed.
Smith, lovely wedding.
Uh, sir, I need to know the whole story
about why Project Day Carewas cancelled.
Why, because of all the deaths, of course.
Good God, you didit didn't you?
You activated your daughter.
Look, sir, I know you're mad, but...
Deactivate her now!
I can't. It's been over seven days.
What?!
I'm kind of worried.
I mean, I thought she was
supposed to lose her free will,
but I-I just gave her an order,
and she didn't...
Smith, get the hell out of there!
Green Taurus. Chop chop.
The problem isn't that
she'll lose her free will.
The problem is, she's going
to turn on her handler.
But I'm her handler.
No! A green Taurus.
El Taurus verde!
Smith, Hayleywas trained
to be an unstoppable killing machine,
and she won't snap out of
it until you're dead.
Okay, everyone,we're going to cut the cake!
Come on, Hayley,cut the cake.
I just want to make sure Daddy sees this.
Oh, yeah,I see it.
I can see finefrom back here.
And now it's time
for the bride to dance with her father.
Oh, I would, but, uh, I have
to tip the dove guy. Ow!
Hayley, I just want you
to know, everything I did,
I did because I wanted
to make you happy.
I am happy, Dad.
I'm not just
gaining a husband.
I'm losing a father.
So, after she died in Hurricane Katrina,
she was sent down to walk the earth
and change people's lives...
for the better.
Angel, tell them your catchphrase.
You gonna finish that?
We're still working on her catchphrase.
Wait a minute.
What kind of angel eats devil's food cake?
Uh, we-we have to go now.
Nobody's going anywhere.
Something about this angel stinks to high heaven!
Very nice.
- You're crazy!
- Am I?
You almost got away with it.
But nothing gets past Wheels,
especially not people walking
behind me in a narrow hallway.
My first clue that something was amiss
was when Angel asked me...
Are you gonna finish that?
At that moment, I thought to myself...
Wait a minute. What kind of angel
eats devil's food cake?
She's no angel.
She's a fraud!
Congratulations.
You cracked the case...
Wheels.
Say it now.
You're on aroll, Wheels.
Great. Now laughand freeze frame.
You can walk?
Doesn't this remind you of that-that
ballroom skit on The Muppet Show,
when they-they used to dance
around and tell jokes?
Yeah. Except I'm going to kill you.
Jewish chair dance!
Blah, blah, blah-blah-blah,blah, blah, blah-blah-bah
Blah-blah, blah,blah-blah
Damn it!
416 Cherry Street! Go!
Gun! Call for help!
Hayley, don'tmake me...
spare your life because
you're part of the family.
There's got to be somethingin here
that'll snap her out of it.
Wait! Stop! Remember when you had the
chicken pox and I gave you this bear?
Congratulations. You did it.
Mr. Teddybonkers was your handler,
and you killed him.
Mission accomplished.
Fuddruckers?
Okay, Hayley, I give up.
This was all my fault.
I never should have triedto control you.
You were on your own pathto happiness.
And if killing me will put youback on that path,
then go ahead.
Just know that I love youand I always will.
You're my little girl.
Now, if you still feelyou can pull that trigger...
Stan! Are you okay?
Yeah, I just had a dreamthat I was dead.
You were.
For six whole minutes.
What?
I'm so sorry,Daddy.
I guess I was just so stressed,
rushing into that stupid
wedding with that gay guy.
I just went crazy.
Don't worry.
She's much better now.
We had the marriage annulled,
and everything's back to normal.
Kitchen's kind of a mess.
Can you ever forgive me?
So, nobody knows why
any of this happened?
No.
Then, yes, I can forgive you.
I'm just glad you're okay, Dad.
Hayley, your mother was right.
You're a strong, independent young lady,
and I'm proud of you.
And if you want to go to France,
I support you.
I don't know. For some reason
I feel like I got all that out of my system.
Man, I can't believeI survived
a shot to the head.
Well, the doctor says you'll
have some memory loss,
but I'll be by your side through every
step of your recovery, my friend.
Who's the talking fish?
a bad dream.
Jeff, you're having
a bad dream.
No, I'm not!
You broke my arm.
Oh, God.
I had that dream again.
And I think I finally know
what it means.
You broke up with Jeff?
It's time to change
my entire life.
That's what that recurring dream's
been trying to tell me...
the one where I'm in
that creepy classroom.
What?
I, I didn't drop that mug
because you mentioned that dream.
That dream is a warning.
Society's trying to brainwash me
to conform,
to, to color inside the lines,
to get married and have babies.
Well, I'm not drinking
the Kool-Aid anymore.
Have you tried it with Splenda?
Wait, wait, Hayley.
This'll take you off
the Path to Happiness.
"The Path to Happiness"?
Yeah, it starts in Marriage Land
and runs through Mommy Town.
Final destination:
Housewife City,
where you watch TV all day long
and blame everything
on a Mexican woman
who only comes on Tuesdays.
Yeah, well,
I never want to be a housewife.
That's why I'm moving to France.
- What?!
- What?!
I'm going to live
a carefree life with a string of lovers:
Jean-Jacques, Henri, Simone.
The last one was a girl's name.
I'm leaving tonight.
Hayley, this is crazy!
You're throwing
your life away!
It's just a stupid dream!
Sir, I have to tell her
it's not just a stupid dream.
She needs to know the truth
about Project Day Care.
What, that you allowed
her to be brainwashed
and trained as a sleeper
agent for the CIA?
Oh, yes, that's sure
to put a puff in her petticoat.
I never meant
to hurt her.
I just thought it'd be fun
to have a father-daughter spy team.
Yes, that does
sound like fun,
but as we learned
from Alias,
the idea gets tired
very quickly.
Look, were you ever briefed
on why that project was discontinued?
No, but I heard
that the sleeper agents
who weren't deactivated within seven
days lost their free will forever.
Yes, something like that.
Look, just do nothing.
Hayley's trainingwill simply lie dormant
in her subconscious
as long as you never say her trigger phrase.
So, what,I just stand by
and watch my daughter ruin her life?
Ah, I'm glad
I'm not the only father with a problem child.
Smith, this is Senator Shepherd.
He'll be joining us for lunch...
apparently he won me in an auction.
So you have a willful daughter too, sir?
Willful, yes.
Daughter, no.
Your senator speaks in riddles.
He has a son, Smith.
That's not very funny.
My God, you guys are still watching
that stupid Sleuth Channel?
Are you kidding?
This channel is great.
It plays all the old detective shows:
Starsky and Hutch, Jake and the Fatman...
It was a simpler time
when only oppositescould solve crimes.
This one's called Tex 'n' Mex.
Tex is a bull-riding scientist.
Mex is a street-wiseday laborer.
Shh!
They've assembled all the suspects in the disco.
Okay, Trixie,
you were doing the Hustle
under the mirror ball.
And Bruno,
you were...
Hey, Mex, put
down that taco!
It's evidence!
Oy-yai-yai.
Best. Catchphrase.
Ever.
Didi went on break
at midnight,
which means the victim
got her cocktail directly at the bar...
from Bruno!
But you said the poison
was fast-acting.
She didn't die for an hour.
It couldn't have been me.
Unless the poison was frozen in the ice cubes!
Unless the poison
was frozen in the ice cubes.
We would have made great detectives.
What do you mean,"would have"?
Let's start our own detective agency.
Yeah!
What should our names be?
Steve, first you create the character,
then let him tell you his name.
Let's meet back here in an hour
with our personas.
Deal!
In the meantime,
I'm going to crack my first...
case.
Whatever Steve's persona is,
I hope it involves rolling his
eyes at my clever puns.
I tell you, my sonhas me at my limit.
All he wants to do is travel the world,
sowing his wild oats.
I just want him to get on the Road to Happiness.
The Path to Happiness, but yeah, me, too.
If only there was a way to control our kids.
Well, I figured out how to control mine:
money.
I told Dill he's not getting a dime
until he finds himself a galand settles down.
Hey, maybe our kids could settle down together.
What's your son like?
You can see for yourself.
If I know Dill,
he's down at the gym right now,
working up a sweat.
It's a nice day for a stroll...
and the view is just fine, too.
Anyway, as I was saying,Mr. Smith,
after college I found myself afflicted
by a wanderlust
that took me around the globe,
where I feasted on the sweet, sticky nectar of life.
But then Father called and I had to flutter
back to the nest like a wayward jaybird.
He's perfect!
Roger, you ready for my persona?
Huh? What do you think?
I don't love it.
What are you doing in a wheelchair?
I'm Wheels.
Together we're Wheels and the Legman.
You're the Legman.
Well, how can I be the Legman
if I'm in a wheelchair?
So you seethe problem.
Nice detective work.
Now get out of that thing.You look ridiculous.
I can't.
I was a cop who got shot.
You got shot?
That's it?
Oh, I suppose you have a better back story?
My name is Braff Zacklin.
I was an international race car driver.
One day, a baby carriage
rolled out onto the track
so I swerved into there
taining wall to avoid it.
The car burst into flames, but the baby
miraculously survived.
I was that baby.
That doesn't make any sense.
I'm Braff Zacklin!
Flight 22 to Paris now boarding.
Hayley, wait!
Meet the manof your dreams!
Dill Shepherd.
Charmed,I'm entirely certain.
Would you excuse us?
I'll just mosey on over to the men's room,
and see if I can't find a willing foreigner
to help me check the sturdiness
of the diaper change table.
He's already got babies on the brain.
Talk about husband material.
Um, I'm pretty sure I'm not his type.
Bye, Daddy.
Hayley, wait!
You're making a huge mistake.
I won't let you do it.
You won't let me?
It's my life.
You can't control me.
Yes, I could.
I could control you completely.
Just by saying one secret combination of words
that no one in the world would ever utter.
Good-bye, Dad.
Hayley!
Uh...
I'm getting fed up with this orgasm!
Agent Small Wonder activated.
What are my orders?
It worked.
Uh... tear up your plane ticket.
Are we almost finished here?
Hayley, take the hand
of your new boyfriend, Dill.
Look aroused.
Ten percent more aroused.
Scale it back two percent.
Ah, young love.
Ding-dong!
Francine!
Someone's mimicking
the doorbell.
Hi, Dill.
Oh, you brought flowers for Hayley.
No, these are for me.
They're my walkin'petunias.
There he is...
Dill!
1500 hours.
Ready to go as instructed.
Hayley,you're wearing a dress?
She looks great in it.
Don't you, Hayley?
Yes. I look great in it.
Conceited.
You shouldtake a sweater.
Nah, I don't need one.
Take a sweater, Hayley.
I'll go get a sweater.
Your daughter is as nimbleas Johnny Yip,
a Taiwanese gymnast with whom I once had
the pleasure of sharing an Italian sleeper car.
Yeah, that fumble
totally handed the game to the Redskins.
Uh, Dill, can yougive us a minute?
Surely.
Stan, what's going on with Hayley?
It's like she's just going
through the motions.
She doesn't really seem happy.
Uh, Hayley.
You're happy, right?
Tell your motheryou're happy.
Mother, I'm happy.
See? She's over the moon.
Well,
I don't know as much about astronomy as you,
but I'm worried about our little girl.
Klaus, I, I think
I might've done a bad thing.
I kinda brainwashed Hayley.
Hmm?
Yeah, uh, I'm sort of reading.
She's a sleeper agent
and, well, I activated her.
should do whatever i tell her.
Of course, I feel terrible about taking
away her ability to think for herself...
...but it's only for seven days.
Then I have to deactivate her
or she'll lose her free will forever.
So I've only got until Saturday at 7:35
to make sure she stays on the Path to Happiness.
I know it seems wrong, but it's for
her own good, so that's okay, right?
What do you think?
I think you only talk to me
when there's no one else to turn to.
I think you really don't care what I think,
and you just need to hear yourself talk.
I think you're a selfish bastard
and I think you can go to hell!
Wow.
Okay.
Uh, well, I guess I'll ask
someone else what they...
Yes, why don't you do that.
Good for you, Klauss, good for you.
Now, if we were to hire you
as the secretary of our detective agency,
what wacky yet lovable persona
would you employ?
I... I don't know what you mean.
You know, like answering the phone
with dirty limericks, or constantly talking
to the ghost of your dead husband.
- What the Legman means is...
- Excuse me.
I'm Wheels.You're the Legman.
I dare you to stand up and tell me that.
Nice try.
Um, I have three kids.
Is this a real job?
Shut up.
Look, we can't be
Wheels and Wheels.
The ABC story department
would never approve that.
Either you be my Legman
or I'll find a partner who will.
Fine. Me, too.
I don't have time for this bit.
Thank God you're home.
Something wird is going on, Stan.
Hayley's become a totally different person.
It's almost as if...
something's been done to her brain.
Like her brain's been put
through some sort of...
cleaning process.
Like it's been scrubbed,
or rubbed vigorously
with soap and water.
Brain scoured?
Mind polished?
Well, something fishy's going on,
and I'm not going to rest
until I find out exactly what...
I'm engaged.
Oh!
My baby's getting married!
I can't believe Dill proposed!
He didn't. I did.
Those weremy orders.
Orders? What are you...?
Oh, who cares?!
You're getting married!
Oh, we'll have a big fancy wedding
with doves and napkins.
Just make sure the wedding happens
by Saturday at 7:35.
What?
But that's four days away.
Wait. Why would it haveto happen by...?
Oh, who cares?
My baby'sgetting married!
I know, I know, this seems
extreme, but time's running out.
Come on, Klaus, I need you. I...
Is that a new bowl?
No. It was newthree weeks ago.
I... I didn't notice.
No, you didn't.
It's very nice.
Really.
Makes you look thinner.
Well, thank you.
I guess I forget sometimes
that you're not justa fish in a bowl.
You're a man in a fish in a bowl.
Maybe I could be...
a friend in a fish in a bowl.
Listen, Stan, I know
your heart's in the right place,
but when you deactivate
Hayley,do you really think
she's going to live with the choises
you've made for her?
That's the thing... after I deactivate her,
she'll think all of
my choices were hers.
She'll be married to
a rich senator's son,
on her way to motherhood.
Can I ask you something?
You know,as a friend?
Sure.
Can you teach me
how to read?
Oh, hello.
Hi there.
Allow me to
introduce ourselves.
Wheels and the Legman.
Bill Elliot.
25 years of P.I. experience,
mostly divorce cases
and insurance fraud.
He's the real deal...Braff.
Allow me to introduce ourselves.
Wheels and the Angel.
That's right, a real angel.
And she can't get back in to heaven
until she solves 100 cases.
But that... but you...but she...
That's... brilliant.
Thank you, Dill,for that lovely poem
dedicated to your best man.
Stan, you have to deactivate her
or she'll be your puppet forever!
Do you, Dill, take Hayley
to be your lawfully wedded wife,
in sickness and in health?
I do.
You're running out of time!
Come on!
And Hayley, do you take this, uh,
let's say man, to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Stan, it's now or never!
We can still make it!
I do.
I'm getting fed up with this orgasm!
What are your orders, Father?
Uh, uh, nothing.
Please continue.
I was too late.
Okay, then,you're married.
Good luck with that.
You may now kiss the bride.
Is it mandatory?
Hayley, your mom wants a picture.
Not now.
Hayley, I order youto come take a picture.
Not... now!
But seriously, Amy,
age ain't nothing but a the number
and the number I'm thinking of is $100.
My, how courting has changed.
Smith, lovely wedding.
Uh, sir, I need to know the whole story
about why Project Day Carewas cancelled.
Why, because of all the deaths, of course.
Good God, you didit didn't you?
You activated your daughter.
Look, sir, I know you're mad, but...
Deactivate her now!
I can't. It's been over seven days.
What?!
I'm kind of worried.
I mean, I thought she was
supposed to lose her free will,
but I-I just gave her an order,
and she didn't...
Smith, get the hell out of there!
Green Taurus. Chop chop.
The problem isn't that
she'll lose her free will.
The problem is, she's going
to turn on her handler.
But I'm her handler.
No! A green Taurus.
El Taurus verde!
Smith, Hayleywas trained
to be an unstoppable killing machine,
and she won't snap out of
it until you're dead.
Okay, everyone,we're going to cut the cake!
Come on, Hayley,cut the cake.
I just want to make sure Daddy sees this.
Oh, yeah,I see it.
I can see finefrom back here.
And now it's time
for the bride to dance with her father.
Oh, I would, but, uh, I have
to tip the dove guy. Ow!
Hayley, I just want you
to know, everything I did,
I did because I wanted
to make you happy.
I am happy, Dad.
I'm not just
gaining a husband.
I'm losing a father.
So, after she died in Hurricane Katrina,
she was sent down to walk the earth
and change people's lives...
for the better.
Angel, tell them your catchphrase.
You gonna finish that?
We're still working on her catchphrase.
Wait a minute.
What kind of angel eats devil's food cake?
Uh, we-we have to go now.
Nobody's going anywhere.
Something about this angel stinks to high heaven!
Very nice.
- You're crazy!
- Am I?
You almost got away with it.
But nothing gets past Wheels,
especially not people walking
behind me in a narrow hallway.
My first clue that something was amiss
was when Angel asked me...
Are you gonna finish that?
At that moment, I thought to myself...
Wait a minute. What kind of angel
eats devil's food cake?
She's no angel.
She's a fraud!
Congratulations.
You cracked the case...
Wheels.
Say it now.
You're on aroll, Wheels.
Great. Now laughand freeze frame.
You can walk?
Doesn't this remind you of that-that
ballroom skit on The Muppet Show,
when they-they used to dance
around and tell jokes?
Yeah. Except I'm going to kill you.
Jewish chair dance!
Blah, blah, blah-blah-blah,blah, blah, blah-blah-bah
Blah-blah, blah,blah-blah
Damn it!
416 Cherry Street! Go!
Gun! Call for help!
Hayley, don'tmake me...
spare your life because
you're part of the family.
There's got to be somethingin here
that'll snap her out of it.
Wait! Stop! Remember when you had the
chicken pox and I gave you this bear?
Congratulations. You did it.
Mr. Teddybonkers was your handler,
and you killed him.
Mission accomplished.
Fuddruckers?
Okay, Hayley, I give up.
This was all my fault.
I never should have triedto control you.
You were on your own pathto happiness.
And if killing me will put youback on that path,
then go ahead.
Just know that I love youand I always will.
You're my little girl.
Now, if you still feelyou can pull that trigger...
Stan! Are you okay?
Yeah, I just had a dreamthat I was dead.
You were.
For six whole minutes.
What?
I'm so sorry,Daddy.
I guess I was just so stressed,
rushing into that stupid
wedding with that gay guy.
I just went crazy.
Don't worry.
She's much better now.
We had the marriage annulled,
and everything's back to normal.
Kitchen's kind of a mess.
Can you ever forgive me?
So, nobody knows why
any of this happened?
No.
Then, yes, I can forgive you.
I'm just glad you're okay, Dad.
Hayley, your mother was right.
You're a strong, independent young lady,
and I'm proud of you.
And if you want to go to France,
I support you.
I don't know. For some reason
I feel like I got all that out of my system.
Man, I can't believeI survived
a shot to the head.
Well, the doctor says you'll
have some memory loss,
but I'll be by your side through every
step of your recovery, my friend.
Who's the talking fish?