American Dad! (2005–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Dope and Faith - full transcript

# Good morning, U.S.A. #

# I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day #

#The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face #

#And he's shining a salute
to the American race #

# Oh, boy
it's swell to say #

# Good morning, U.S.A. #

#Good morning, U.S.A. ##

Jackson and I will be
in the executive dining room.

We are not to be disturbed.

Come on, number one.

Must be nice being the boss's pet.



I hear the executive
dining room is amazing!

They say the Caesar salad is tossed
at your table by emperor penguins.

That's obviously true. You know,
I've been here 10 years...

and I haven't had lunch
with Bullock once.

Unless you count that time
I was eating my sandwich on the can...

and he came in to wash his hands.
I count that.

I came up with a great nickname
forJackson today:

Jackson " Brownnose. "

- It's a little dated, but I think people will get it.
- Mmm, I hope so.

I know you're stressed...

but our Valentine's Day getaway
is just around the corner.

- Oh, I can't wait to be alone with you at Lake Frasier.
- Me too.

The bed in our cabin
has a solid oak headboard.

And we're not leaving that lake
until you get a concussion.



Oh, " Staniel. "

Ah. I guess one of us should wonder
who that could be at this hour.

- You want to do it?
- No, no. You've already started.

Smith, I need you to come with me.

I'm going on a dangerous mission...

and I need my number one man.

Number one?
I thoughtJackson was-

Not anymore. He refused to stand in line
to get me opera tickets...

because he had to go to some-

Oh, I don't know.
Something to do with his son's bone marrow.

So, I've decided
to make you number one.

Me? Wow!

Wait. You're taking AveryJunior
on a dangerous mission?

I have no choice.
His night nurse quit...

when she found the doll I made
out of her drain hair.

Perhaps you could babysit, Francine.

- Me?
- That's a great idea.

You're adopted. The baby's adopted.
You have so much to talk about.

- Sad stuff.
- Stan.

Francine, did you hear what he said?
I'm his new number one.

This is a huge deal.

I feel like the sun is shining on me
for the first time in my life.

Like a baby flower,
or a pale goblin-like creature...

awakened from its subterranean slumber
by mining activities.

Fine.

I'll watch A.J. Tonight.

- Uh- - Oh, he just cries like
that when he needs to be fed-

and burped,
and changed, and held...

and exercised,
and bathed, and oiled...

and rocked to sleep
to Hindi lullabies.

I can't sing in Hindi.
I can barely read it.

Just tell him about your day.
That always puts me to sleep.

Francine, look. My new crystal arachnid
of the month arrived.

Miss February is the Latrodectus...

a. k.a. The black widow.

I've named her Courtney Love because
she killed her husband, she's full of toxins-

What is that? What is that noise?

- What is that?
- A.J. Bullock. I'm babysitting.

Look, I don't have time
for you right now. I'm busy.

Busy?
I was here first.

I'm the baby!
I'm the drunk baby!

Helping you pick up girls?
That's our dangerous mission?

It is tonight, number one. Now, keep
your eyes out for the rarest of birds:

The plump Asian skank.

Well, unfortunately,
everyone here is tall and gorgeous.

True. I guess I'll just have to
settle for some tight white meat.

Excuse me.
Are you from Tennessee?

'Cause you're the only " ten I see. "

Other than this one-
which is yours to earn.

Maybe we should try someplace else.

I've been so lonely since my poor wife
was taken hostage in Fallujah.

- But why not go get her, sir?
- I will not negotiate with terrorists.

I can only imagine the monstrous things...

those Sunni insurgents
are doing to my poor, sweet Miriam.

I'm afraid she's doomed
to die alone.

As am I.

And that fat dude in the cape.

You're not alone, sir.
You have A.J.

Ah, I love the boy,
but I'm afraid he's part of the problem.

Whenever I do manage to find a girl
willing to overlook my age...

they bolt at the sight of the baby.

The whole cradle to grave thing
in one look really freaks women out.

Besides, every time
I look at A. J...

I'm reminded that
he has no mother...

and I have no mate.

Without a woman in our lives,
A.J. And I will never truly be a family.

That's terrible, sir.
Is there anything I can do to help?

Actually, just having someone
to talk to gives me enormous comfort.

I'm happy to do it, sir.

Hmm? Hmm?

Vroom, vroom.

Oh, yeah. I'm a squirrel,
and that feels great.

Oh, I've been up with
that baby five nights in a row.

If I have to sit through
one more Carson Daly-

Oh, I get it. You're friends
with Dave Navarro.

What now? Klaus!

He bumped into the coffee table.
I looked away for two seconds.

I can't find my dinosaur stickers.

Well, you'll have to look for 'em yourself.
A.J. Has a boo-boo.

I have a boo-boo too.

You did that on purpose.

Roger! What the hell?

Isn't it obvious?
Sibling rivalry.

Roger's jealous of the new baby
in the house, so he's acting out.

Yeah, what makes you such an expert?

- Jo mama.
- Well played.

There's my little pisha.
Did you sleep well?

He didn't sleep at all.
He's not a football, Avery.

You can't keep passing him off to me every
night and picking him up in the morning.

- It's not good for him!
- You're right.

It would be easier for all of us
if I left him here during the day too.

Cheerio, Junior.

Back-skate!

Stan, how can you
let him do this to me?

I'm not his permanent babysitter.

You need to say no to your boss.

I can't!
Number ones don't say no.

Besides, it's just until I can find
a woman for Avery.

That could take forever!
The guy's a weirdo.

- No woman's gonna be interested in him.
- That's not true. He had a wife.

That's it. His wife!

Sometimes the best solution
is the easiest.

Bullock's wife is being held by
a vicious gang of Islamic terrorists.

I won't lie to you, men. My most optimistic
projections for this mission...

predict everyone but me
and that guy will die.

You'll live,
but you will not live well.

We jump in 14 hours.

I bet a frozen yogurt place
would do great out here.

I can't believe
Stan rescued my wife.

Yes. And A.J.'s going home
with his new mommy.

Now I can practice exclamations
for when Stan and I get to the lake.

I think I'll go with-
"Oh, would you look at that. "

That's her. How do I look?

Eh.

- Hey, you.
- Where is she?

She's in the back,
but, well, there's kind of a thing.

I don't care!
She's my dry little raisin scone.

Nothing can change
my feelings for her.

Miriam!

Die, American infidel!

What the hell happened to her?

Well, after three years
in captivity, she, uh-

she kind of went Shia.

- Brainwashed!
- And conditioned.

L- I shouldn't be doing shtick.
Your wife is crazy.

They turned her
into a terrorist, sir.

That rabid jackal is not my wife.

I never want to see her again.

Stan!

Now we're stuck with
his baby and his wife!

Oh. You're taking the baby
for the first time in five days.

Like that's really gonna make- Oh!

Did you just poop? Oh. No. That's her.

Smith here.

Stan, I'm at my limit.

I'm juggling a colicky toddler...

a Vassar alum who thinks
she's a Sunni freedom fighter...

and an alien who's acting like
a jealous four-year-old!

- Four and a half!
- Aaah! Roger!

- Allah is great!
- Miriam!

She keeps using ketchup
packets as foot grenades.

- It's probably just jet lag.
- A.J. And Miriam are Bullock's family.

- He has to take them back.
- He will-

just as soon as Miriam
gets back to her old self.

Stan, our Valentine's Day getaway
is in two days.

You have to say no to Bullock. Now!

How's it going, number one?

Uh, sir, your family's been staying with us
for what seems like forever, and-

How would you like to join me...

for lunch in the executive dining room?

Oh, hello, Jackson.

You look terrible.

Jackson! Forget him.
He's a jerk.

I did everything right!

Francine, I had the most kick-ass lunch.
It kicked ass!

Huh? What's going on?
Did you talk to Bullock?

Oh. Well-

You didn't, did you?

Damn it, Stan!
I'm sick of taking care of this-A. J?

- Where's A. J?
- This was taped to the refrigerator.

" I've taken your baby hostage.

U.S. Out of Middle East. "

Oh, my God.
Where did she take him?

Is that Roger's French poster
of The Wizard of Oz?

- Miriam.
- Stay back, or I'll spray!

- That baby is innocent!
- He's just another spoiled future infidel.

Maybe. But he's your future infidel.

- What?
- It's the truth. That baby is yours.

Avery adopted him.
That makes you his mother.

I'm- I'm a mommy?

I will name him Muhammad.

What?
It's a pretty name.

Who's the caramel apple
of Mommy's eye?

You are.
Yes, you are.

Isn't it great that
you're not crazy anymore?

Yeah. Nothing like the love
of an orphaned Indian child...

to make you embrace
the ideals of the West again.

That's Avery!

Sticky bun.
Is it really you?

It's really me.

I can't believe it.

We're finally gonna be rid
of Bullock's family.

See? Everything's gonna be okay.

And I got you something sexy
to wear to bed up at the lake.

Oh.

Let's go home, my nutty crumpet.

I'll help you get your things.

I believe you arrived with a small
piece of rope around your wrists?

Number one, we have a problem.

Stan, this is Coco.

- Got any cigarettes?
- Uh, no.

- Then go suck it.
- Isn't she great?

We've become intimate
rather quickly.

In fact, she's already
moved into my house.

Her? Really?

I know. She's Asian, she's loose,
and she's fat. I hit the trifecta!

Avery, if your wife finds out
about this, she'll be devastated.

Quite right. That's why I need you
to do something for me, number one.

His mistress
is moving into our house?

Just until he gets her
set up in an apartment.

I'm gonna go soak it in your tub.

And just like that, I'm gay.

Stan, what about
our weekend getaway?

I'm sorry, but Bullock doesn't want her
to be alone on Valentine's Day.

I mean, what was I supposed to say?

You were supposed to say no!

Just forget it.

I'm glad Bullock
makes you feel special.

Maybe someday
I'll know how that feels.

Francine, go upstairs
and pack your sex helmet.

First thing tomorrow,
I'm saying no to Avery.

You mean it?
Oh, Stan, thank you!

I wonder if I'm a top or a bottom.

If I had to guess, I'd say bottom.

A reluctant bottom.

Roger, what are you doing?

Just trying to get a little attention
around here. There we go.

Hey! Knock it off.
A.J.'s gone.

What? A. J?
Where's A. J?

Mr. And Mrs. Bullock took him home.

But- But... I was gonna
teach him stuff.

- I thought you'd be happy.
- It's not fair.

I want my little bro-bro!

Stan...

I know how hard it was for you
to say no to Bullock.

But what you did makes me feel...

like the most important girl
in the whole world.

I just told Bullock that I respect
my wife more than I need my job.

Now, why don't you get on all fours
and grease yourself up like a pig.

I'm gonna go get some firewood.

Here you go, Chopsticks.

I gotta get back to my wife.

Time for Coco to be Coco.

L- O-V-E. " Love. "

Because you love me so much...

you wanted to be alone
with me all weekend.

Your turn.

- " Blurazzy"? That's not a word.
- Then I pass.

But you have two blanks.
You can spell " liar," " go"...

" take," " smokes," " to"...

" skank," " across"...

- " the," " kale. "
- I pass! Well, time to get more firewood.

You've gone for firewood
every 10 minutes. Are you okay?

- You seem distracted.
- No.

This weekend is all about you.

I am here for you.

Gotta go.

Hmm.

Hey. How's it going?
Here are some smokes.

- Happy Valentine's Day.
- Wait. I'm bored. Get me a movie.

Where am I gonna get
a movie around here?

You're supposed to keep me happy.
Or do I need to call Avery?

- Fine.
- Something with Matthew Perry.

Got it. Fools Rush In.

- Something good.
- Got it. Nothing.

Time for mil-
Someone took my baby!

From now on, you and me
are " bestest" friends, okay?

I'm even gonna let you play
with my " specialest" toys...

my crystal spider collection.

This is my " favoritest"
of all: A daddy longlegs.

Now, I want you to be
very, very careful with-

What the-

He started it.

So you were gonna
drown him in the lake?

- Well, how do you kill babies?
- Shut up!

This whole situation
is out of control.

Well, all you have to do
is say no to your boss.

Yeah, I've been paying attention.

Damn it. I'm already late
getting back to Francine.

I don't have time to bring
this baby to the Bullocks.

Do you have time for a complicated scheme
that'll solve all your problems?

- Roger, this is no time to sell me on Christianity.
- Just give me your phone.

Hello?

I have your baby. Bring-

I don't know-
a thousand dollars or something...

to cabin number two at Frasier Lake.

You idiot! Bullock's mistress
is in cabin number two.

If they go there,
then Miriam will find out about Coco.

Exactly. Bullock will be caught,
he'll have to dump Coco...

and she'll be out of
your life forever.

Wow, Roger.
I'm impressed.

Well, I get caught up in something
like this pretty much every week.

- We better get this baby over to Coco's cabin.
- You go.

I'm just gonna stare at the lake
and think about how I almost killed a baby.

Look, I need you to watch this baby.

And don't try to sleep with it,
because it doesn't have any money.

- I'm going home.
- What? Look. Honey.

I know I've been a little preoccupied,
but that's all over.

I promise. From now on,
you have my full, undivided attention.

Hello?

A.J.'s been kidnapped.
I need you to help me with the handoff.

Help? No, no, no. No. You and Miriam
are supposed to do this yourselves.

Cabin number two, Frasier Lake.
Ten minutes.

Don't let me down, number one.

- Hey, you know what we need? Cigarettes.
- Firewood.

No. Right, right, right.
You're-You're firewood.

Stan!

- Where the hell are you going?
- You're gonna laugh.

This was supposed to be
a romantic weekend!

- How could you bring her here?
- I was hoping for a three-way?

With that?
We talked about this.

Did you even try to contact
ScarlettJohansson?

What is he doing here?

Nobody move!

My little curried cupcake!

Avery?

- Coco.
- You know this woman?

Oh, God.
Is this your wife?

No wonder you're looking
for some yummy on the side.

- What?
- Screw this.

I'm gonna go back to being
the prettiest girl in Ohio.

This is what you were doing
while I was a hostage?

No, no. I didn't meet her
until after you came back.

- What?
- Ooh, no.

Sugar lump, I only strayed
because your absence was unbearable.

My life was wretched too, you know.

There's a difference, Avery.
I was forced into a filthy hole.

You went in by choice.

M- M-Miriam, p-p-p-put the gun down.

I'm- I'm sorry.
Can't we- Can't we start again?

Sure. Let's start
at the beginning-

like when you got down
on one knee and proposed.

Come on, AveryJunior.
You shouldn't see Daddy like this.

My kneecap is shattered.

- Stan, take me to the hospital.
- Now?

Yes, now!
Oh, my God!

- He's losing a lot of blood.
- Help me, Stan.

- No. -
What? - What?

I'm done. I've been running myself ragged.
And for what?

So I could feel like number one
while making you feel like number two?

Well, no more. From now on,
I'm gonna be your number one.

Stan, I appreciate the gesture...

but for God's sake,
the man needs you.

- You can't say no to him.
- Wow.

Is that how I used to sound?

What a selfish jerk I've been.

I think I'm passing out.
I smell pennies.

Come on, honey.
Let's go have our weekend.

You're serious?
You're leaving?

Here. Call Dick.

He'd love to be your number one.

Stan, is he gonna be okay?

More importantly,
we're gonna be okay.

- Just okay.
- We can't just leave him.

Oh! I'm hallucinating!

Half polar bear, half Hugh Grant,
will you please help me?

No? No. Quite right.

I'm sure you're busy
with all the films and harp seals.

Vroom, vroom.

Hello?
Yeah, this is Dick.

Yes, sir! I'd love to be your number one.

I'll be right there.

Bye. Have a beautiful time.