American Dad! (2005–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Iced, Iced Babies - full transcript

Francine wants to have another baby, but Stan doesn't want one. Ultimately, he gives in, but for some reason unknown to her, she can't seem to get pregnant.

-=bbs=-
Proudly Presents

Sync: YTET-СҰ????

American Dad
Season 2 Episode 6

* Good morning U.S.A *

I'm so glad you came over fodinner,Debbie.

Yes,terrific to have my son's girlfrnd
gobbling up my family's precious foo

Everything's so delicious.

Mr. Smith,can you pass the potatoes?

Ethically,I don't think I should.

Mash-ed spuds for m'lady.

It's so nice having you over,Debbie.



Oh,honey,here, let me do that.

Mom,I can cut my own steak.

Oh,Debbie doesn't care.

I'm your mom,that's what moms do.

Now open up.

Bernie Bee wants to find his flower.

Is this his flower?

Ugh! Come on,Debbie.

Let's go swab the steak
sauce out of my ear.

It's so cute that Steve
has a little girlfriend.

Well,don't tell Debbie about
her because she'll eat her.

Is the coast clear?

Good,I can join.

I found this old New Yorker
in the bathroom,



and there's a very interesting
take on T.S. Eliot's work.

- It seems that...
- What does Steve see in Debbie?

Maybe he's just gonna
turn her into condos.

Uh,excuse me!

What? Were you saying something?

Spit out your cutesy
quip and shuffle on.

Is Roger doing a bit?

Roger,start over.

I was making a serious point!

Why does nobody respect me?

Roger,you're an uneducated alcoholic.

You don't know anything
except QVC return polici.

That's specialty,yes,

but I have a lot of smart opinions,and...

Can it! You're the Adam
Sandler of this house,

and nobody wants
Punch Drunk Love.

Just give us Waterboy.

You ignorant cretins,I'm
more than just a clown!

There we go.

Dumb alien.
That's good material.

You should be nicer to Debbie.

If my Stevie likes her...

Ah,Stan,that's too tight!

I know you don't want any more kids,

but do we have to
go to these lengths?

I don't like it
any more than you do,

but just think-- soon we'll
be able to mate worry-free!

You know,because
you'll be menopausal.

Your uterus will
fall like Saigon.

And Steve was the
last chopper out.

Oh,I'll always have
my little Stevie.

Condoms,diaphragm,
can of sperm repellent.

All right,foreplay.

Hey,Mr. and MrsSmith.

Is Steve ready to walk to school?

Oh,Debbie.

Look,this is my breakfast.

Steve'll be right down,honey.

Be nice.

Just so we're clear.

Is that a Tec P-11 nine milmeter?

You... You know about guns?

Yeah,I use my dad to shoot
the eyes out of squirrels.

Good God,that's a tough shot!

Your sight needs
a tweak. May I?

Please! You know,
you're all right,Big Stuff.

Hey,Debs.

You kids have a good day at school.

Here's your lunch,Steve.

Oh,that's okay,Mom.

Debbie took care of it.

I'm sorry,what?

Yeah,I made Steve's lunch today.

But... that's impossible.

Cucumber sandwich?!

You know,cucumbers are
just brineless pickles.

I could have de-brined his pickles!

Who does that fatso think she is?!

Oh,is Debbie a larger
woman? I hadn't noticed.

I can't wait to enroll here!

People are finally
gonna take me seriously.

Don't they have college on your planet?

Yeah,but if you're not Asian,
it's impossible to get in.

Hey,Ethan.

God,Ethan is so hot.

And he completely ignores me.

It makes him so much hotter.

What are you talking about?
He totally ignored me,

and I don't think
he's hot at ah...

Now I see it. Now I'm seeing it.

Oh,what do you have there,honey?

I'm making a scrapbook
w?me and Debbie.

Let me move these flowers
so you have more light.

Mom!

Oh,I'm sure that'll come right out.

There,she's gone.

I mean,the stain.

I call the stain a she.

Like a ship.

Anyway,it's been a while,so

I was thinking tonight we could see
who can do the best pretend elephant.

Beat that!

Actually,I'm going over
to Debbie's tonight.

Oh,um,Steve,Mommy's not...
feeling well.

Oh,I'm sorry to hear that.

Mommy's dying!

Ha,you're funny!

Not as funny as Debbie.

She cracks me up.

Debbie.

Francine,what are you doing here?

This isn't home.

I just wanted to bring you
and the boys some cookies.

Is that a dead squirrel?

Yeah,Debbie made
me a desk caddie.

Look,I can sharpen my pencil.

Great gal.

Plus she's fast-tracking
our boy manhood.

Yeah.

So,I'd like to reward the
guys fighting the drug war.

Where's the drug room?

I don't have any drugs!
I-I'm totally clean!

Do youxpect me to take your word
over tt of an anonymous tipster?

Pure Peruvian marching powder.

Grown on the Andes,north slope.

I'd say it's about 80% baby laxative.

Yup,this junk means
only one thing--

Esteban Mortilla is
back in business.

Principal Lewis,
those drugs aren't mine!

Then explain this!

Smith,you're suspended.

And tell Esteban that El Lobo
Negron sends his regards.

Hey,Ethan.

Don't you love literature?

It's so uninhibited.

Like me after a couple beers.

Good afternoon,everyone.

I'm Professor Guggenheim.

Wait,is there another "G"?

Or is it...

I'm Professor Baxter.

And you'll be respecting
me this semester.

What are you doing?

I went to talk to the dean,
one lie led to another,

and he asked me to
teach this class.

- You can't teach!
- Quiet,please!

You may have thought this
class was about literature.

You were wrong.

This class is about life!

Electric word,life.

It means forever,and
that's a mighty long time.

But m here to tell you,
there's something else--

my offichours. They're
Tuesday from 1:00 to 3:00.

Steve,you were right
to call Mommy.

Don't worry about
being suspended.

From now on,you'll
just stay home with me.

I know you set me up,Mother.

What?

We can't keep doing this.

It isn't working,you and me.

We've grown art.

Oh,God.

The crowded staurant,so
I wouldn't make a scene.

You're breaking up with me!

We had a good run.

Remember my fifth birthday?

Oh,and I had some
great times suckling.

But it's time to move on.

This isn't happening!

You'll find someone new.

Maybe you'll get some cats.

This is all Debbie's fault!

Let's be adults about this,Mom.

I'd-I'd like the key
to my bike lock.

Just take it!

We'll see each other
around the house.

And we'll still be friends.

Oh,sure,friends!

I don't need any
more friends, Steven!

Can I take your
order,honey?

Oh,hey,Gladys.

I,um... yeah,wanted
to talk to you,too.

There's another coffee shop.

* Cows have calves,
birds have chicks *

* And everyone has a mom. *

I used to watch
this show with Steve,

but now he's left me,

and look how old Maria's gotten!

Francine,why not
just replace Steve?

You know,have another baby.

Stan would never
go for another kid.

His mind is made up.

It's not his mind you need.

What the...?

Rape! Succubus!

Oh! Oh!

Francine,what are you doing?!

I was being spontaneous.

Look at the calendar! This
isn't one of our safe days.

That means there's something else
going on in your woman-theater,

and I do not perform with another act!

Stan,I've been thinking.

Maybe it would be okay
if we had another baby.

Are you mad,woman? Once the
kids are out of the house,

you'll lead the carefree
life of a barren spinster!

Except your nights will be filled
with unsheathed,unwrapped pounding.

Stan,I want another baby.

Forget it.

You'll stay off my man-zone
until you're in hot flashes!

You betterleep with
one eye open,Stan.

I'll do whatever it takes.

Whatever it takes.

Huh,that doesn't hurt half
as bad as I thought it.

Quick,wash it off between your legs!

No! Wait!

Nice try.

You must plunge into the pool of life!

But ask yourself,will you
jackknife or cannonball?

Wow,he's so smart. I think I'll
cannonball. I'm gonna wait 30 minutes.

Did you see that,
Hayley? They respect me.

Roger,your lecture today was
just a bunch of idealistic nonsense!

Oh,really? You just earned
yourself a week of detention!

There's no detention in college.

Oh. Right.

Well,then,I'm taking away
50 points from Gryffindor!

Oh,sorry. I'm-I'm interrupting.

No,just a lively exchange of ideas.

I-I just wanted to tell you
how inspiring you are,Professor.

It's like I've been
asleep my whole life,

and now I'm finally awake.

Oh,I'm awake,too! Totally awake.

It's like I'm on
crank,I'm so awake!

Exactly! Huh,you want
to get some coffee

and talk about Professor
Baxter's ideas?

Sounds great!

Later,Professor.

I pretend to teach them,

but it's really they
who pretend to teach me.

Welcome to Vasectech
Vasectomy Systems.

If you have a coupon,
insert it now.

I'm Kichiro.

And I'm Mojiro.

Your vasectomy is
about to beginning.

Imagine empty playgrounds

free of children's
shouting and laughter.

That's the beautiful
dream of Vasectech.

After this simple procedure,

you will be unsuitable
towards manufacture children.

Yay! Ha,ha!

A world with no children.

Future generations
will thank us.

Vasectomy is the
serious procedure.

Would you like to save
some father fluids?

Please fill cup our
attendant provides.

Please use good time magazines.

No need.

I already banked plenty of sperm before
a dangerous mission back in the '80s.

There's a vial of proto-Smiths at the
government storage center outside D.C.

Strong Reagan-era swimmers inspired by
the 1984 Olympic victories of Matt Biondi.

Congratulations on
superior depositing.

Kindly enter for
your vasectomy.

So,where do I put my--
Oh,I see.

Wow,that's a snug fit.

There's a simple lesson
to be learned from...

whatever book I'm
teaching you about,

and it's this:
follow your heart,

and get rid of anything that
stands in the way of your dreams.

All right,assignment,people.

Buy Moby Dick and tear it up.

By Monday!

I know some of you aren't ripping
up your homework like I asked.

Don't complain to me when
you can't rip up your midterm.

Roger,how'd you come
up with that lecture?

Ah,I just stitched together
a little Mr. Holland,

a little Dead Poets,
and the rest is just lies.

Well,keep up that
"follow your heart" crap.

I think Ethan's really loosening up.

Professor,I was wondering if you'd
like to come to dinner at my home.

Hayley,you should join us,too.

Hayley,just so we're clear,
you're only coming

because you got caught in
the gravity of my invite.

I was so invited that it
invited everything around it.

Oh,Debbie.

Oh,uh,hey.

- Didn't expect to see you here.
- The kitchen?

Look,I really don't want to
get into this right now.

Come on,Debbie.

You,um,you look gd.

Say hi to your folks for me

She looks awful.

Francine,I thought about what
you said about having a baby.

You're right and I'm wrong and
there is nothing suspicious about that.

Oh,Stan.

Still no baby.
I don't understand.

I guess we just
need to keep trying.

That's the spirit,soldi.

Tell you what. I'm gonna
take a shower.

Then,we'll recharge
with frozen yogurt.

Oh,I think we have a coupon.

There you go. Now you're
holding up your end.

Let's see. Y's.

Vasectomy?

Professor,Hayley.

Shrimp Gruyere puff?

Oh,Ethan,you should be
a professor... of food.

Thanks. I've always
wanted to cook,

but my father never
supported me.

But now you've inspired me.

That's why I became a
professor,Ethan.

To inspire people.

Inspire them to respect me.

Oh,and you know how you told us
to make a change for the better?

Well,I took your advice...

and stabbed my father 38 times!

Daddy,Daddy!

Not eating isn't going
to bring him back.

Hey,after yogurt,let's try
the reverse bulldog again.

I think you just have
to punch me harder.

You had a vasectomy?!

Look,I know you're
mad,but I'm sliced.

There's nothing we can do.

How about some
angry no-baby sex?

Oh,there's something I can do.

Your Japanese friends told
me about your banked sperm.

Kichiro!

I know about the government
storage center,Stan.

I'm having a baby.

No!

My eyes!

My mouth!

My back!

My begonia!

"My Sharona"!

Marry me

My Best Friend's Wedding!
my eyes i can't

Francine,stop this!

If you won't give me a baby,
I'm going to get one myself!

* Moonlig becomes you *

* I'm thrilled at the sight *

* And I could get so romantic tonight *

Roger,tell him we want to
get the hell out of here!

Uh,Ethan,it's been a lovely evening,

but I have a faculty
meeting in the morning.

No,you can't leave.

We need to seize the
day,like you said,

and if we don't,then life
isn't worth living...

for any of us.

I'll go get Pictionary.

Let's just make a run for it.

Oh,finally,my ear popped.

Why aren't these labeled?

I won't know whose
sperm I'm getting.

's like I blacked
out at a frat house.

Give it up,Francine.

Ever since I first became father,

I've dreamed of
being done with kids,

and I won't let you ruin that.

Well,I am not going to let my husband
stand in the way of me getting pregnant.

Ha,ha,you missed.

Oh,I didn't miss.

Oh,sweet merciful Heaven.

Ugh,I feel like Tara Reid
on an average Tuesday!

Wait a second.

Milk. Well,that's
much less disgusting.

Let's see. S.

Reagan,Rove,Rumsfeld.

Reno? Janet Reno?

That goes over here.

Looking for this?

Remember me,fellas?

I'm sure you'd all make
fine Stan Juniors,

but I can't be running around and making
you grilled cheese for the next 18 years.

Stan,don't!

I've got a turkey
baster and...

George Stephanopoulos.

You wouldn't.

Oh,I would.

You want that,Stan?

A house full of liberal
Greek midget babies?

Franci,he has the third-rated
Sunday talk show.

He loses to Bob Schieffer.

I don't care! I want
to be a mom again

All right,all right,you win.

Here,take my baby gravy.

But you don't need
it,Francine.

You're already a mother

and you always will be.

Look.

Kids are supposed to leave you.

It means you did a great job.

It means you prepared
them for the world.

I just thought you
should know that.

Why am I doing this?

I am a mother,

a great mother,

and our kids are the proof.

Oh,Stan.

Hey,is,is,is it,is it a car?

It's,uh,it's some kind of car?

Please,God,let it be a car.

Uh,uh,uh,a truck,
a van,a car,it's,uh--

I don't know what it is!

It was a boat!

We're not seizing the day at all.

Um,uh,you know what would
really be seizing the moment?

If you and Hayley made out in
the closet next to a dead guy.

Yeah,that'd be great.

It's like life and
death or something.

What are you doing?

Don't worry,I totally have a
plan to get me out of here.

You know what would be even better,Ethan?

you went into the closet with
Professor Baxter and talked about ideas.

Oh,that is better.

No,no,no,it's not any better.

I-I don't have any ideas.

I'm not even a real professor!

What? You're not?

No.

Ethan,I wanted people to think
I was smart,but I'm an idiot.

I looked up to you.

I-I listened to your every word.

Huge mistake,very bad idea.

I'm just a clumsy oaf who likes
to nap,eat Nutter Butters,

and watch bad television.

And you know what?

That's what I'm best at.

I don't need respect.

You know,I'm going to quit
trying to do The Majestic

and just go back
to Ace Ventura.

I killed my dad because of you.

Hey,guy,don't be down.

I know it looks rough right now,but...

Oh,what's this?

Is this a nickel?

Here,you keep that.

So,we're gonna go.

Uh,you'll probably want to put your
pants on for when the police come.

I believe they're still in the microwave.

Oh,and Hayley thinks
you' totally cute.

Mom,you're home!

Oh,evie,what's the matter?

Debbie broke up with me!

OhSteve,Mommy's here,honey.

Francine,remember the cow.

Steve,you're a big boy.

You're going to be fine.

Oh,Steve,come back to Mommy.

- I'm all you have.
- What?

Well,no girl will ever
love you as much as Mommy.

They... they won't?

Oh,heavens,no.

Even Debbie didn't
find you attractive.

She didn't?

No,not even a little.

As a woman,I could tell.

That's okay.

You can stay right here at home.

With Mommy.

Forever